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The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God
Renowned pastor of New York’s Redeemer Presbyterian Church and author of The Songs of Jesus, Timothy Keller with his wife of 36 years, delivers The Meaning of Marriage, an extraordinarily insightful look at the keys to happiness in marriage that will inspire Christians, skeptics, singles, long-time married couples, and those about to be engaged.
Modern culture would make you believe that everyone has a soul-mate; that romance is the most important part of a successful marriage; that your spouse is there to help you realize your potential; that marriage does not mean forever, but merely for now; that starting over after a divorce is the best solution to seemingly intractable marriage issues. All those modern-day assumptions are, in a word, wrong.
Using the Bible as his guide, coupled with insightful commentary from his wife of thirty-six years, Kathy, Timothy Keller shows that God created marriage to bring us closer to him and to bring us more joy in our lives. It is a glorious relationship that is also the most misunderstood and mysterious. With a clear-eyed understanding of the Bible, and meaningful instruction on how to have a successful marriage, The Meaning of Marriage is essential reading for anyone who wants to know God and love more deeply in this life.
Modern culture would make you believe that everyone has a soul-mate; that romance is the most important part of a successful marriage; that your spouse is there to help you realize your potential; that marriage does not mean forever, but merely for now; that starting over after a divorce is the best solution to seemingly intractable marriage issues. All those modern-day assumptions are, in a word, wrong.
Using the Bible as his guide, coupled with insightful commentary from his wife of thirty-six years, Kathy, Timothy Keller shows that God created marriage to bring us closer to him and to bring us more joy in our lives. It is a glorious relationship that is also the most misunderstood and mysterious. With a clear-eyed understanding of the Bible, and meaningful instruction on how to have a successful marriage, The Meaning of Marriage is essential reading for anyone who wants to know God and love more deeply in this life.
288 pages, Hardcover
First published November 1, 2011
8010 people are currently reading
48363 people want to read
About the author
Timothy J. Keller
403 books5,615 followersLibrarian Note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.
Timothy Keller was the founding pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Manhattan, which he started in 1989 with his wife, Kathy, and three young sons. For over twenty years he has led a diverse congregation of young professionals that has grown to a weekly attendance of over 5,000.
He was also Chairman of Redeemer City to City, which starts new churches in New York and other global cities, and publishes books and resources for faith in an urban culture. In over ten years they have helped to launch over 250 churches in 48 cities. More recently, Dr. Keller’s books, including the New York Times bestselling The Reason for God and The Prodigal God, have sold over 1 million copies and been translated into 15 languages.
Christianity Today has said, “Fifty years from now, if evangelical Christians are widely known for their love of cities, their commitment to mercy and justice, and their love of their neighbors, Tim Keller will be remembered as a pioneer of the new urban Christians.”
Dr. Keller was born and raised in Pennsylvania, and educated at Bucknell University, Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary, and Westminster Theological Seminary. He previously served as the pastor of West Hopewell Presbyterian Church in Hopewell, Virginia, Associate Professor of Practical Theology at Westminster Theological Seminary, and Director of Mercy Ministries for the Presbyterian Church in America.
Timothy Keller was the founding pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Manhattan, which he started in 1989 with his wife, Kathy, and three young sons. For over twenty years he has led a diverse congregation of young professionals that has grown to a weekly attendance of over 5,000.
He was also Chairman of Redeemer City to City, which starts new churches in New York and other global cities, and publishes books and resources for faith in an urban culture. In over ten years they have helped to launch over 250 churches in 48 cities. More recently, Dr. Keller’s books, including the New York Times bestselling The Reason for God and The Prodigal God, have sold over 1 million copies and been translated into 15 languages.
Christianity Today has said, “Fifty years from now, if evangelical Christians are widely known for their love of cities, their commitment to mercy and justice, and their love of their neighbors, Tim Keller will be remembered as a pioneer of the new urban Christians.”
Dr. Keller was born and raised in Pennsylvania, and educated at Bucknell University, Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary, and Westminster Theological Seminary. He previously served as the pastor of West Hopewell Presbyterian Church in Hopewell, Virginia, Associate Professor of Practical Theology at Westminster Theological Seminary, and Director of Mercy Ministries for the Presbyterian Church in America.
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September 22, 2012
Shortly after I posted my review of Mark Driscoll’s Real Marriage, which failed as a book on marriage, many sympathetic to Driscoll told me to get the forthcoming The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller. Tim is the pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church on the island of Manhattan. He’s also a New Calvinist and a co-founder of the Gospel Coalition, which apparently believes you have to be Complementarian to be a real Christian. To say I was nervous to dive in would be an understatement, but dive in I did.
Imagine my (pleasant) surprise to find the marriage book I’ve been waiting for! The Meaning of Marriage succeeds in just about every way Real Marriage failed, and then some.
Summarizing a nine-sermon series on Ephesians 5 that he’s been using for years, Tim puts forth as his thesis that his goal is to,
Put Paul’s discussion into today’s cultural context and lay out two of the most basic teachings by th
e Bible on marriage—that it has been instituted by God and that marriage was designed to be a reflection of the saving love of God for us in Jesus Christ.
The Romance Marriage script is under fire. We need something better.
He begins with a great critique of Marriage as a Romantic institution, reminiscent of Pamela Haag’s Marriage Confidential. Writing from a Christian perspective, Tim goes further to ground marriage specifically in God’s saving work.
Tim’s first several chapters lay out essential, counter-cultural principles for Marriage.
Contrary to “soul-mate theology,” Marriage involves two whole persons whose individual identities are grounded in Jesus. This lets each person participate in the love of Marriage as an Other-oriented institution that imitates God. As Tim says,
There is an “other-orientation” within the very being of God.
He doesn’t quite get to the heart of Orthodox Trinitarian theology here, though it’s coming. Tim moves on to explore how choosing the Other-orientation in Marriage is part of God’s sanctifying work in us. Marriage becomes a vehicle God uses to save us, to make us holy. And this is key.
If two spouses each say, “I’m going to treat my self-centeredness as the main problem in the marriage,” you have the prospect of a truly great marriage.
Surely if these two can make it work, there’s hope for all of us!
The middle of the book focus on the Other person we marry. Tim notes that no matter how much we love someone, when we marry them we don’t know them fully. We’re actually marrying an image of them, and the longer we’re married, the better we get to know the real person. As Tim puts it, we always marry the wrong person.
For Tim, the goal of Marriage is friendship. He makes much of Marriage’s ability to sanctify us here, and challenges singles to “screen first for friendship”. Here’s where a larger picture of the Gospel would’ve benefited Tim’s picture of Marriage. While he paints a great picture of spouses as the person who complements our passions and calling, a Gospel that restores not only us but the larger world would’ve been more compelling.
The Kellers’ marriage is a great model.
Overall, this book works on just about every level. Tim mixes theology with sound, practical advice on how to implement his teachings. His own marriage provides ample illustrations that are both hilarious and helpful. Every page evinces a book that’s grown out of many years of teaching the Scriptures to both married and single persons. Oh, and speaking of Singles, Tim dedicates an entire chapter to the beauty, power and necessity of the Single person in the Church.
Tim’s Singleness chapter is a pitch-perfect illustration of why no discussion of Christian marriage is complete without evaluating the importance of singleness.
Finally, I can’t evaluate this book without noting how Tim addresses Gender. First, though he’s staunchly Complementarian, Keller often slips into Egalitarian language. For example, commenting on Paul’s instructions to husbands to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church,” (Ephesians 5:25), Keller applies this advice to both genders, telling us we should,
Do for your spouse what God did for you in Jesus, and the rest will follow.
Tim’s picture of gender isn’t nearly as clear-cut as other Complementarians, at least partially because he recognizes that gender roles are a function of culture, and therefore relative.
Even though the Kellers’ framework sounds like this…
Tim’s wife, Kathy, writes the chapter on Gender because, in her words, she has “the most at stake in this discussion”. That sentence alone blew me away (and again is radically more self-aware than anything in Real Marriage). But as Kathy outlines complementarian gender roles, grounded in God’s Triune nature, she too sounded more and more egalitarian:
In the dance of the Trinity, the greatest is the one who is most self-effacing, most sacrificial, most devoted to the good of the Other. Jesus redefined—or, more truly, defined properly—headship and authority… as servant-authority. Any exercise of power can only be done in service to the Other, not to please oneself… Both women and men get to “play the Jesus role” in marriage—Jesus in his sacrificial authority, Jesus in his sacrificial submission.
…it actually LOOKS
more like this.
If men are called to sacrificial authority and women are called to sacrificial submission, we’re essentially playing semantics games. Both persons lived, embodied sacrificial living are going to look indistinguishable from each other. Certainly, the Kellers’ Complementarianism is immeasurably more biblical, more Jesus-like, more Trinitarian than what the Driscolls advocate in Real Marriage. Their pictures are different enough that one of them should stop calling themselves Complementarian.
Call it whatever you want. The Keller’s picture of Marriage is one we should strive for.
Bottom Line: A book on Christian Marriage that works on every level. I can recommend this book with no reservations. And that’s a refreshing change.
Imagine my (pleasant) surprise to find the marriage book I’ve been waiting for! The Meaning of Marriage succeeds in just about every way Real Marriage failed, and then some.
Summarizing a nine-sermon series on Ephesians 5 that he’s been using for years, Tim puts forth as his thesis that his goal is to,
Put Paul’s discussion into today’s cultural context and lay out two of the most basic teachings by th
e Bible on marriage—that it has been instituted by God and that marriage was designed to be a reflection of the saving love of God for us in Jesus Christ.
The Romance Marriage script is under fire. We need something better.
He begins with a great critique of Marriage as a Romantic institution, reminiscent of Pamela Haag’s Marriage Confidential. Writing from a Christian perspective, Tim goes further to ground marriage specifically in God’s saving work.
Tim’s first several chapters lay out essential, counter-cultural principles for Marriage.
Contrary to “soul-mate theology,” Marriage involves two whole persons whose individual identities are grounded in Jesus. This lets each person participate in the love of Marriage as an Other-oriented institution that imitates God. As Tim says,
There is an “other-orientation” within the very being of God.
He doesn’t quite get to the heart of Orthodox Trinitarian theology here, though it’s coming. Tim moves on to explore how choosing the Other-orientation in Marriage is part of God’s sanctifying work in us. Marriage becomes a vehicle God uses to save us, to make us holy. And this is key.
If two spouses each say, “I’m going to treat my self-centeredness as the main problem in the marriage,” you have the prospect of a truly great marriage.
Surely if these two can make it work, there’s hope for all of us!
The middle of the book focus on the Other person we marry. Tim notes that no matter how much we love someone, when we marry them we don’t know them fully. We’re actually marrying an image of them, and the longer we’re married, the better we get to know the real person. As Tim puts it, we always marry the wrong person.
For Tim, the goal of Marriage is friendship. He makes much of Marriage’s ability to sanctify us here, and challenges singles to “screen first for friendship”. Here’s where a larger picture of the Gospel would’ve benefited Tim’s picture of Marriage. While he paints a great picture of spouses as the person who complements our passions and calling, a Gospel that restores not only us but the larger world would’ve been more compelling.
The Kellers’ marriage is a great model.
Overall, this book works on just about every level. Tim mixes theology with sound, practical advice on how to implement his teachings. His own marriage provides ample illustrations that are both hilarious and helpful. Every page evinces a book that’s grown out of many years of teaching the Scriptures to both married and single persons. Oh, and speaking of Singles, Tim dedicates an entire chapter to the beauty, power and necessity of the Single person in the Church.
Tim’s Singleness chapter is a pitch-perfect illustration of why no discussion of Christian marriage is complete without evaluating the importance of singleness.
Finally, I can’t evaluate this book without noting how Tim addresses Gender. First, though he’s staunchly Complementarian, Keller often slips into Egalitarian language. For example, commenting on Paul’s instructions to husbands to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church,” (Ephesians 5:25), Keller applies this advice to both genders, telling us we should,
Do for your spouse what God did for you in Jesus, and the rest will follow.
Tim’s picture of gender isn’t nearly as clear-cut as other Complementarians, at least partially because he recognizes that gender roles are a function of culture, and therefore relative.
Even though the Kellers’ framework sounds like this…
Tim’s wife, Kathy, writes the chapter on Gender because, in her words, she has “the most at stake in this discussion”. That sentence alone blew me away (and again is radically more self-aware than anything in Real Marriage). But as Kathy outlines complementarian gender roles, grounded in God’s Triune nature, she too sounded more and more egalitarian:
In the dance of the Trinity, the greatest is the one who is most self-effacing, most sacrificial, most devoted to the good of the Other. Jesus redefined—or, more truly, defined properly—headship and authority… as servant-authority. Any exercise of power can only be done in service to the Other, not to please oneself… Both women and men get to “play the Jesus role” in marriage—Jesus in his sacrificial authority, Jesus in his sacrificial submission.
…it actually LOOKS
more like this.
If men are called to sacrificial authority and women are called to sacrificial submission, we’re essentially playing semantics games. Both persons lived, embodied sacrificial living are going to look indistinguishable from each other. Certainly, the Kellers’ Complementarianism is immeasurably more biblical, more Jesus-like, more Trinitarian than what the Driscolls advocate in Real Marriage. Their pictures are different enough that one of them should stop calling themselves Complementarian.
Call it whatever you want. The Keller’s picture of Marriage is one we should strive for.
Bottom Line: A book on Christian Marriage that works on every level. I can recommend this book with no reservations. And that’s a refreshing change.
January 6, 2012
Eric to Alice: Guess what?
Alice: What?
Eric: We've been doing this marriage thing WRONG for the past 20 years!!
Alice: Keller's book was that good, huh?
Eric: Yup.
Has instantly become the first priority of my premarital and marital required reading lists. I have already planned to re-read it with Alice in the coming 3 months. I'm sooo excited to love my bride in a way that is richer and more glorious than anything we have tasted thus far. I actually leave the book so much more encouraged about what God has done in my marriage over the past 2 decades and just plain excited to see what the next 20 can bring as we work through more deeply God's glorious plan and power for our marriage in the gospel!
Alice: What?
Eric: We've been doing this marriage thing WRONG for the past 20 years!!
Alice: Keller's book was that good, huh?
Eric: Yup.
Has instantly become the first priority of my premarital and marital required reading lists. I have already planned to re-read it with Alice in the coming 3 months. I'm sooo excited to love my bride in a way that is richer and more glorious than anything we have tasted thus far. I actually leave the book so much more encouraged about what God has done in my marriage over the past 2 decades and just plain excited to see what the next 20 can bring as we work through more deeply God's glorious plan and power for our marriage in the gospel!
May 24, 2020
Simply the best book on marriage I have read. It is the most complete, the most balanced, the most comprehensive - all without dragging or bogging the reader down. It is not just a book about how to have a good marriage but a foundation for what marriage is, an ideal resource for both married and yet-to-be-married alike.
July 4, 2023
The best marriage book I’ve read.
February 16, 2012
Let me begin with a confession: I'm not a big fan of books on marriage. Not that I don't think that marriage is important. On the contrary, it is ordained of God. My contention is that most modern books on marriage make little contribution to the subject (other than saying things in a slightly different manner than the others)and almost all of them ascribe to the 'mutual needs fallacy' ("If you respect him, he will love you. And the reason she doesn't respect you is because you are not loving her." Friends, where is the Gospel in this!). I say all of this to say, this book is fantastic! The content on commitment is the best that I have read. I not only recommend this book to couples, but singles who want a deeper understanding of what a healthy marriage entails.
CB
CB
May 23, 2024
Where Meaning of Marriage ultimately shines is getting to read and discuss it with another person (and I had that privilege.) A very good book that covers the many facets of marriage, but suffers from a few minor problems, mostly because of the first couple chapters, speaking to an extremely broad audience (which Keller does extremely well all things considered) and a certain flavor and a few statements that seem to ground the content in a very particular cultural point of view—a view that's certainly not different enough to be irrelevant, but certainly not timeless.
I've also never been married so what do I know;)
I've also never been married so what do I know;)
November 14, 2024
I first read this book when I was single, and I’ve since read it again with my husband.
Read it! It's not just because of the marriage insights. [But those are great!] Great reminders and challenges for me, even though not all of it was new. But still, is it relevant to single people *now*? [or wait until you're married] YES, it is! The Meaning of Marriage is gospel-centric [which got my interest and inclined me toward reading it in the first place]. Keller frames marriage in the context of living out the gospel, that the gospel is truly what allows us to 'do' marriage. That while a marriage can survive if the marriage partners are not Believers, the best marriage will have the gospel and the work of sanctification as the focal point. All true and spot-on. [For anyone married out there, even if you 'know this', I encourage you to read this... TOGETHER. Because Keller just unpacks it.]
Another very important focus of this book is the in-depth look Keller takes on marriage in today's culture and time period. "The State of the (Marriage) Union", so to speak. Reading this section is either going to be extremely convicting or it's going to break your heart and increase your burden to pray for society's views on marriage to be healed. Or more likely, it'll do both of those things, as it did for me. I just found my heart breaking over the statistics and views on marriage in our culture, my generation in particular and have felt an increased burden to pray for healing for my generation, not just myself.
It's not about finding the "perfect person" or our 'soul mate' as far as compatibility goes. And once you're married, it's not about that honeymoon image of your spouse that has to remain or else you consider chucking the whole thing. [For the record, Keller does not say physical attraction and compatibility aren't concerns, but that there's deeper attraction and purpose to marriage.] Marriage is about committing to a person (yes, with a certificate) who you are choosing to join in the process in their becoming like Christ, and what's more, you're excited and humbled by that opportunity.
But then, the most personally convicting for the "now", and back to the Gospel-centric message. As I've read, I've been overwhelmed by God's grace to me. I accepted Christ as my Savior at 5 on my parents' bed in the tiny apartment we lived in in between houses. With 23 years in between, it is SO easy to forget the joy of your initial salvation, especially with the distractions and nitty gritty of life. This book is reminding me anew and blowing me away by God's grace and love toward me. And it's challenging me on just how well I love others. It's reminding me of my call and purpose to love others. To be *for* them, as Christ is *for* me. And that includes when it's not convenient or easy.
So singles, marrieds, read this book! This is a vision and an unpacking of marriage that is biblical and people could rally around.
Read it! It's not just because of the marriage insights. [But those are great!] Great reminders and challenges for me, even though not all of it was new. But still, is it relevant to single people *now*? [or wait until you're married] YES, it is! The Meaning of Marriage is gospel-centric [which got my interest and inclined me toward reading it in the first place]. Keller frames marriage in the context of living out the gospel, that the gospel is truly what allows us to 'do' marriage. That while a marriage can survive if the marriage partners are not Believers, the best marriage will have the gospel and the work of sanctification as the focal point. All true and spot-on. [For anyone married out there, even if you 'know this', I encourage you to read this... TOGETHER. Because Keller just unpacks it.]
Another very important focus of this book is the in-depth look Keller takes on marriage in today's culture and time period. "The State of the (Marriage) Union", so to speak. Reading this section is either going to be extremely convicting or it's going to break your heart and increase your burden to pray for society's views on marriage to be healed. Or more likely, it'll do both of those things, as it did for me. I just found my heart breaking over the statistics and views on marriage in our culture, my generation in particular and have felt an increased burden to pray for healing for my generation, not just myself.
It's not about finding the "perfect person" or our 'soul mate' as far as compatibility goes. And once you're married, it's not about that honeymoon image of your spouse that has to remain or else you consider chucking the whole thing. [For the record, Keller does not say physical attraction and compatibility aren't concerns, but that there's deeper attraction and purpose to marriage.] Marriage is about committing to a person (yes, with a certificate) who you are choosing to join in the process in their becoming like Christ, and what's more, you're excited and humbled by that opportunity.
But then, the most personally convicting for the "now", and back to the Gospel-centric message. As I've read, I've been overwhelmed by God's grace to me. I accepted Christ as my Savior at 5 on my parents' bed in the tiny apartment we lived in in between houses. With 23 years in between, it is SO easy to forget the joy of your initial salvation, especially with the distractions and nitty gritty of life. This book is reminding me anew and blowing me away by God's grace and love toward me. And it's challenging me on just how well I love others. It's reminding me of my call and purpose to love others. To be *for* them, as Christ is *for* me. And that includes when it's not convenient or easy.
So singles, marrieds, read this book! This is a vision and an unpacking of marriage that is biblical and people could rally around.
November 2, 2024
2 week countdown begins
September 4, 2012
Promising as this book seems to be, "The Meaning of Marriage" turns out to be an overly general, repetitive, and flawed treatment of marriage.
At first, I loved the book. Keller starts with an insightful analysis of the motives behind marriage (or the lack thereof) in contemporary America. Unlike previous generations, this generation sees marriage, if achieved, as 'self-realization': a relationship in which both partners are ideal, in need of no character development, and thus able to provide certain commodities such as sex, wealth, social status and the security of having a companion. Interestingly, I noticed how Keller's thesis played out in real life. A movie I like depicts two men (Tall Dark Handsome and Computer Nerd) pursuing the same girl; she chooses Computer Nerd. The webs are filled with people upset about this choice. I couldn't help but think that these fussbudgets are illustrating Keller's thesis for him: Tall Dark Handsome is the very much an ideal: in need of little character development, equally aggressive and gentle. Computer Nerd is arrogant and slightly overweight, though ultimately likeable. He, not Tall Dark Handsome, was the real man with real problems that women have to deal with in real life.
After this chapter, however, Keller's book begins to fall apart. Keller's most obvious problem is his lack of detail. John Piper has been noted as a writer who tends to repeat himself (Indeed, the first three chapters of his book on missions are so exactly alike that I had to put the book down). Keller, who is also a pastor, experiences the same problem: He tends to repeat his main ideas without adding new information or examples to help readers retain the information in their minds. Chapters 2-4 described the biblical perspective on marriage (a solemn vow of mutual help and support, made possible only by relying on Christ), and by the fourth chapter all his material was sounding the same, and I was skimming very quickly.) Nor does he provide sufficient examples: Later chapters on singleness and on sex interested me greatly, but although his ideas were fascinating, he provided few examples to flesh out what his theories look like in real life. As a result, I haven't tried applying anything and his ideas are even now (less than a week after I finished the book) fuzzy. Good teachers will tell you that stories and examples are crucial to helping students retain information, and Keller does not provide those stories and examples.
His first problem is that he says nothing that should be new to his readers. Following his analysis of marriage, he reminds married couples to put each other's needs and desires first. He reminds readers that even the efforts of one person can help heal the relationship. He reminds people to read their Bibles. In other words, he does a lot of reminding. I realize there is value in reminders, but reading a book demands a great deal of time and effort (I took two weeks to read this book) and so the book should offer its readers something new: at the very least, new suggestions to put all the old ideas into practice. Keller does not do this, and as a result, his book is familiar and slightly boring to anyone who has studied Philippians 2.
Perhaps the lowest point in terms of repeating aphorisms is the chapter on gender roles, written by Keller's wife Kathy. I was especially disappointed by this: Gender roles and the Christian interpretation of these fascinates me, and Kathy deals with these in a familiar and even stereotypical fashion. At the beginning of the chapter, she tells her readers that embracing gender roles "did not involve me developing a taste for frilly clothing, nor Tim taking up car maintenance." I was astonished by how outdated these stereotypes were. Very few people still picture all women as having 'a taste for frilly clothing,' and so the reader is left wondering what Kathy's point is. Is she trying to debunk stereotypes that are 60 years old? In fact, Kathy persists in repeating old news throughout the chapter: Her next point is that men and women are inherently different. Even the most ardent feminists (with a few exceptions) celebrate this difference. Kathy's point surprises no one, which begs the question, "Why is she telling us this?" No real answer is given, because the few times that she does address modern problems, she fails to provide real analysis. She repeats common arguments for gender roles as they now exist (such as the argument that male headship does not make women inherently inferior) and refuses to attempt an answer at why the gender roles exist (she actually says that we cannot know).
Finally, there are a few exceptional flaws in Keller's book which I want to point out. What troubled me the most was his treatment of what he calls "woundedness": the feeling of hurt left over by (according to Keller) those who have been hurt in dating relationships, or even emotionally and verbally abused by parents. (Thankfully, he leaves physical and sexual abuse out of the picture.) Essentially, Keller tells wounded people to 'get over it' in order to make their marriage work: He suggests "that woundedness makes us self-absorbed" and that the wounded partner should "determine to see [her] own selfishness and to treat it more seriously than [she] does [her] spouse's". While I believe that Keller makes some good points about not letting past hurts dominate the present and about taking action to heal these wounds, I think he far underestimates the pain caused by hurtful people, and the ease with which those who have been hurt can put their hurt behind them. Especially in cases of emotional and verbal abuse, the wounded person is not simply "making excuses for selfishness"; that person has been hurt as truly as if she were physically wounded and will need just as much care. Keller's treatment of "woundedness" is insensitive and predicts, in fact, future pain and frustration for people who cannot simply put very real wounds behind.
Finally, Keller's treatment of singleness is contradictory and insufficient. At first, Keller points out that the church tries to explain singleness away by saying that those who are single can serve God more fully; he argues that, in fact, this reserves wholehearted service to God as something for a special class of people. By the end of the chapter, however, he reassures singles that their gift is one of "freetom . . . to concentrate on ministry in ways that a married [person] could not." His big piece of advice for singles is to rely heavily on the relationships in their church: While single people lack support and the impetus for personal growth provided by a married person, they can experience this in part, Keller believes, by befriending those of the opposite sex at church. Problem: Very few churches exist like this. As a single woman, I have been to exactly zero churches with a number of single, Christlike and friendly men to build me up. Lest anyone think my experience is abnormal, I live in the Bible belt! I am VERY familiar with the American church. Keller, despite giving some interesting and useful advice on how and when to pursue marriage, ultimately tries and fails to explain singleness. I think perhaps this is because Keller has not lived as a single (he was a college student when he married): As there is only so much help a single person can give her married friends, so there is only so much help that a married person can offer a single one. Without the practical, lived experience of singlehood, the married person will put forward ideas that do not, in fact, work in reality.
Here's why Keller's book is so disappointing: I read somewhere once that all the books published on sex do not indicate that America has a handle on sex; the plethora of books in fact indicates that America has a problem with sex. I see the same thing in books on marriage and singleness for the church: We have a problem, and nobody knows (beyond a few common principles) how to solve it. Timothy Keller does not really understand the solution himself. He understands the problem, but his book does not offer any kind of new solution, or even a fresh or healthy take on the old solution.
At first, I loved the book. Keller starts with an insightful analysis of the motives behind marriage (or the lack thereof) in contemporary America. Unlike previous generations, this generation sees marriage, if achieved, as 'self-realization': a relationship in which both partners are ideal, in need of no character development, and thus able to provide certain commodities such as sex, wealth, social status and the security of having a companion. Interestingly, I noticed how Keller's thesis played out in real life. A movie I like depicts two men (Tall Dark Handsome and Computer Nerd) pursuing the same girl; she chooses Computer Nerd. The webs are filled with people upset about this choice. I couldn't help but think that these fussbudgets are illustrating Keller's thesis for him: Tall Dark Handsome is the very much an ideal: in need of little character development, equally aggressive and gentle. Computer Nerd is arrogant and slightly overweight, though ultimately likeable. He, not Tall Dark Handsome, was the real man with real problems that women have to deal with in real life.
After this chapter, however, Keller's book begins to fall apart. Keller's most obvious problem is his lack of detail. John Piper has been noted as a writer who tends to repeat himself (Indeed, the first three chapters of his book on missions are so exactly alike that I had to put the book down). Keller, who is also a pastor, experiences the same problem: He tends to repeat his main ideas without adding new information or examples to help readers retain the information in their minds. Chapters 2-4 described the biblical perspective on marriage (a solemn vow of mutual help and support, made possible only by relying on Christ), and by the fourth chapter all his material was sounding the same, and I was skimming very quickly.) Nor does he provide sufficient examples: Later chapters on singleness and on sex interested me greatly, but although his ideas were fascinating, he provided few examples to flesh out what his theories look like in real life. As a result, I haven't tried applying anything and his ideas are even now (less than a week after I finished the book) fuzzy. Good teachers will tell you that stories and examples are crucial to helping students retain information, and Keller does not provide those stories and examples.
His first problem is that he says nothing that should be new to his readers. Following his analysis of marriage, he reminds married couples to put each other's needs and desires first. He reminds readers that even the efforts of one person can help heal the relationship. He reminds people to read their Bibles. In other words, he does a lot of reminding. I realize there is value in reminders, but reading a book demands a great deal of time and effort (I took two weeks to read this book) and so the book should offer its readers something new: at the very least, new suggestions to put all the old ideas into practice. Keller does not do this, and as a result, his book is familiar and slightly boring to anyone who has studied Philippians 2.
Perhaps the lowest point in terms of repeating aphorisms is the chapter on gender roles, written by Keller's wife Kathy. I was especially disappointed by this: Gender roles and the Christian interpretation of these fascinates me, and Kathy deals with these in a familiar and even stereotypical fashion. At the beginning of the chapter, she tells her readers that embracing gender roles "did not involve me developing a taste for frilly clothing, nor Tim taking up car maintenance." I was astonished by how outdated these stereotypes were. Very few people still picture all women as having 'a taste for frilly clothing,' and so the reader is left wondering what Kathy's point is. Is she trying to debunk stereotypes that are 60 years old? In fact, Kathy persists in repeating old news throughout the chapter: Her next point is that men and women are inherently different. Even the most ardent feminists (with a few exceptions) celebrate this difference. Kathy's point surprises no one, which begs the question, "Why is she telling us this?" No real answer is given, because the few times that she does address modern problems, she fails to provide real analysis. She repeats common arguments for gender roles as they now exist (such as the argument that male headship does not make women inherently inferior) and refuses to attempt an answer at why the gender roles exist (she actually says that we cannot know).
Finally, there are a few exceptional flaws in Keller's book which I want to point out. What troubled me the most was his treatment of what he calls "woundedness": the feeling of hurt left over by (according to Keller) those who have been hurt in dating relationships, or even emotionally and verbally abused by parents. (Thankfully, he leaves physical and sexual abuse out of the picture.) Essentially, Keller tells wounded people to 'get over it' in order to make their marriage work: He suggests "that woundedness makes us self-absorbed" and that the wounded partner should "determine to see [her] own selfishness and to treat it more seriously than [she] does [her] spouse's". While I believe that Keller makes some good points about not letting past hurts dominate the present and about taking action to heal these wounds, I think he far underestimates the pain caused by hurtful people, and the ease with which those who have been hurt can put their hurt behind them. Especially in cases of emotional and verbal abuse, the wounded person is not simply "making excuses for selfishness"; that person has been hurt as truly as if she were physically wounded and will need just as much care. Keller's treatment of "woundedness" is insensitive and predicts, in fact, future pain and frustration for people who cannot simply put very real wounds behind.
Finally, Keller's treatment of singleness is contradictory and insufficient. At first, Keller points out that the church tries to explain singleness away by saying that those who are single can serve God more fully; he argues that, in fact, this reserves wholehearted service to God as something for a special class of people. By the end of the chapter, however, he reassures singles that their gift is one of "freetom . . . to concentrate on ministry in ways that a married [person] could not." His big piece of advice for singles is to rely heavily on the relationships in their church: While single people lack support and the impetus for personal growth provided by a married person, they can experience this in part, Keller believes, by befriending those of the opposite sex at church. Problem: Very few churches exist like this. As a single woman, I have been to exactly zero churches with a number of single, Christlike and friendly men to build me up. Lest anyone think my experience is abnormal, I live in the Bible belt! I am VERY familiar with the American church. Keller, despite giving some interesting and useful advice on how and when to pursue marriage, ultimately tries and fails to explain singleness. I think perhaps this is because Keller has not lived as a single (he was a college student when he married): As there is only so much help a single person can give her married friends, so there is only so much help that a married person can offer a single one. Without the practical, lived experience of singlehood, the married person will put forward ideas that do not, in fact, work in reality.
Here's why Keller's book is so disappointing: I read somewhere once that all the books published on sex do not indicate that America has a handle on sex; the plethora of books in fact indicates that America has a problem with sex. I see the same thing in books on marriage and singleness for the church: We have a problem, and nobody knows (beyond a few common principles) how to solve it. Timothy Keller does not really understand the solution himself. He understands the problem, but his book does not offer any kind of new solution, or even a fresh or healthy take on the old solution.
June 30, 2013
I have teetered back and forth between rating this with 3 or 4 stars, but ultimately gave it 3 stars because of the latter half of the book was found repetitive and also lacking in regards to gender roles within marriage, sex, and singleness. I contemplated 4 stars because I do appreciate the overall picture that this book helps to draw in creating a realistic picture of marriage and appropriate expectations for what it should bring about in your life. In the first few chapters, Keller proposes some fair points about allowing your spouse to be the primary refiner in your life in shaping you to be more like Christ, which is agreeable since all relationships should take on this role and most specifically the marriage relationship. At times I did feel that this was overemphasized to imply incompleteness and thus a necessary secondary form of salvation that only a spouse can provide (rather than the Spirit's direct work in us).
The first few chapters address western cultural views brought into a marriage, which are important to consider against the biblical intent of marriage as being a constant matter of submitting to one another instead of choosing a spouse for selfish fulfillment. But as this book nears the end, it seems quite repetitive and Kathy Keller's chapter on gender roles seemed to take on many views at once without reconciling them to one another while throwing in various worn out cliches. Also, she made what intuitively seems to be problematic analogy of gender roles in marriage the based on the model the Trinity; the wife resembles Christ in submission to the husband who resembles God the Father. The Trinity is one of the most complex mysteries of faith, so it is an difficult analogy to draw and lacks little if any Biblical context whatsoever. This deserves some further discussion, but I still have to do some further thinking before attempting to articulate it here.
Ultimately, I'd recommend giving this book a fair shot; it has some valid points that other typical marriage books fail to discuss or even stereotype, but I think it does become rather unsteady while still trying to remain definitive without well thought out reasoning or counseling toward the end.
The first few chapters address western cultural views brought into a marriage, which are important to consider against the biblical intent of marriage as being a constant matter of submitting to one another instead of choosing a spouse for selfish fulfillment. But as this book nears the end, it seems quite repetitive and Kathy Keller's chapter on gender roles seemed to take on many views at once without reconciling them to one another while throwing in various worn out cliches. Also, she made what intuitively seems to be problematic analogy of gender roles in marriage the based on the model the Trinity; the wife resembles Christ in submission to the husband who resembles God the Father. The Trinity is one of the most complex mysteries of faith, so it is an difficult analogy to draw and lacks little if any Biblical context whatsoever. This deserves some further discussion, but I still have to do some further thinking before attempting to articulate it here.
Ultimately, I'd recommend giving this book a fair shot; it has some valid points that other typical marriage books fail to discuss or even stereotype, but I think it does become rather unsteady while still trying to remain definitive without well thought out reasoning or counseling toward the end.
August 27, 2012
[Incomplete]
In the introduction, Tim describes he and his wife Kathy, in the early days of their courtship, gradually realizing "that the other was a rare fit for [their] hearts." They shared, he says, the "secret thread" that C.S. Lewis says makes people good friends: "You may have noticed that the books you really love are bound together by a secret thread. You know very well what is the common quality that makes you love them, though you cannot put it into words:...Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling...of that something which you were born desiring"? (The Problem of Pain). (I would tweak this slightly: as believers, this "something" is not a something we were born desiring, but rather a something that we were reborn to desire: Christ.)
And this finding another person with the same "secret thread" is a very romantic picture and something most of us long for. But quickly, Keller reminds us, it becomes apparent that marriage--even a marriage rooted in the Lord--is much more difficult than expected. Hence this book, the purpose of which is "to give both married and unmarried people a vision for what marriage is according to the Bible."
THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE
Today we have magazines featuring "100 Ways to Please Your Man/Woman," "How to Make Her/Him Feel Loved/Respected," etc. And of course fulfilling one's spouse (and being fulfilled by one's spouse) at the sexual, emotional, and relational levels is a part of marriage (1 Cor. 7:33-34), but it's not the primary purpose of marriage, as our society would have us believe.
Keller reminds us that historically, marriage has not been seen as a contract primarily for the benefit of two individuals, but for the benefit of the community at large (hence arranged marriages) and, among Christians, as even more than that: a contract made before God by which two people commit to pleasing him first and foremost through committing sacrificially to one another. Unfortunately, though, covenant has not been popular in the West; the marketplace is dominant; consumerism, not covenant, is king. (Thankfully, child-rearing, no matter how unrewarding, is still seen in strong covenantal terms; marriage is not [hence the divorce rate].)
And in the midst of consumerism, people wait years for their "soul mate," someone with whom they are perfectly compatible, that they know is out there, for whom they will have to make no changes and will wait indefinitely. (Among Christians, I think, we call this type of worldly thinking "being picky"). "Never before in history has there been a society filled with people so idealistic in what they are seeking in a spouse."
And at the end of the day, you have no idea who you are marrying. A quote from Duke University ethics professor Stanley Hauerwas sums it up nicely:
"Destructive to marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic that assumes marriage and the family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment, necessary for us to become 'whole' and happy. The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person. This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. It fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person. We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary problem is...learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married."
WE HAVE SUBSTITUTED ROMANCE FOR REDEMPTION
In the past, people looked to the afterlife, to God himself, for hope, morality, and self-identity. Modern man, however, unsure if things like the afterlife and God even exist, has found a replacement: romance. Ernest Becker writes, "The love partner becomes the divine ideal within which to fulfill one's life. All spiritual and moral needs now become focused in one individual...In one word, the love object is God...Man reached for a 'thou' when the worldview of the great religious community overseen by God died...After all, what is it that we want when we elevate the love partner to the position of God? We want redemption--nothing less."
This thinking, of course, has crept (more like swept) into the church, and we will be horribly disappointed when we find that our lover is not the god we sought he or she to be.
SCATTERED TAKEAWAYS
Determine to see your own selfishness as a fundamental problem and to treat it more seriously than you do your spouse's. "I'm going to treat my self-centeredness as the main problem in the marriage."
"How would we live if we instinctively, almost unconsciously, knew Jesus's mind and heart regarding things that confronted us? When you received criticism, you would never be crushed, because Jesus's love and acceptance of you is so deeply 'in there.' When you gave criticism, you would be gentle and patient, because your whole inner world would be saturated by a sense of Jesus's loving patience and gentleness with you."
Sex should be done to give joy rather than to impress.
"Wedding vows are not a declaration of present love but a mutually binding promise of future love."
"Two-thirds of unhappy marriages will become happy within five years if people stay married and do not get divorced."
In the introduction, Tim describes he and his wife Kathy, in the early days of their courtship, gradually realizing "that the other was a rare fit for [their] hearts." They shared, he says, the "secret thread" that C.S. Lewis says makes people good friends: "You may have noticed that the books you really love are bound together by a secret thread. You know very well what is the common quality that makes you love them, though you cannot put it into words:...Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling...of that something which you were born desiring"? (The Problem of Pain). (I would tweak this slightly: as believers, this "something" is not a something we were born desiring, but rather a something that we were reborn to desire: Christ.)
And this finding another person with the same "secret thread" is a very romantic picture and something most of us long for. But quickly, Keller reminds us, it becomes apparent that marriage--even a marriage rooted in the Lord--is much more difficult than expected. Hence this book, the purpose of which is "to give both married and unmarried people a vision for what marriage is according to the Bible."
THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE
Today we have magazines featuring "100 Ways to Please Your Man/Woman," "How to Make Her/Him Feel Loved/Respected," etc. And of course fulfilling one's spouse (and being fulfilled by one's spouse) at the sexual, emotional, and relational levels is a part of marriage (1 Cor. 7:33-34), but it's not the primary purpose of marriage, as our society would have us believe.
Keller reminds us that historically, marriage has not been seen as a contract primarily for the benefit of two individuals, but for the benefit of the community at large (hence arranged marriages) and, among Christians, as even more than that: a contract made before God by which two people commit to pleasing him first and foremost through committing sacrificially to one another. Unfortunately, though, covenant has not been popular in the West; the marketplace is dominant; consumerism, not covenant, is king. (Thankfully, child-rearing, no matter how unrewarding, is still seen in strong covenantal terms; marriage is not [hence the divorce rate].)
And in the midst of consumerism, people wait years for their "soul mate," someone with whom they are perfectly compatible, that they know is out there, for whom they will have to make no changes and will wait indefinitely. (Among Christians, I think, we call this type of worldly thinking "being picky"). "Never before in history has there been a society filled with people so idealistic in what they are seeking in a spouse."
And at the end of the day, you have no idea who you are marrying. A quote from Duke University ethics professor Stanley Hauerwas sums it up nicely:
"Destructive to marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic that assumes marriage and the family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment, necessary for us to become 'whole' and happy. The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person. This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. It fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person. We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary problem is...learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married."
WE HAVE SUBSTITUTED ROMANCE FOR REDEMPTION
In the past, people looked to the afterlife, to God himself, for hope, morality, and self-identity. Modern man, however, unsure if things like the afterlife and God even exist, has found a replacement: romance. Ernest Becker writes, "The love partner becomes the divine ideal within which to fulfill one's life. All spiritual and moral needs now become focused in one individual...In one word, the love object is God...Man reached for a 'thou' when the worldview of the great religious community overseen by God died...After all, what is it that we want when we elevate the love partner to the position of God? We want redemption--nothing less."
This thinking, of course, has crept (more like swept) into the church, and we will be horribly disappointed when we find that our lover is not the god we sought he or she to be.
SCATTERED TAKEAWAYS
Determine to see your own selfishness as a fundamental problem and to treat it more seriously than you do your spouse's. "I'm going to treat my self-centeredness as the main problem in the marriage."
"How would we live if we instinctively, almost unconsciously, knew Jesus's mind and heart regarding things that confronted us? When you received criticism, you would never be crushed, because Jesus's love and acceptance of you is so deeply 'in there.' When you gave criticism, you would be gentle and patient, because your whole inner world would be saturated by a sense of Jesus's loving patience and gentleness with you."
Sex should be done to give joy rather than to impress.
"Wedding vows are not a declaration of present love but a mutually binding promise of future love."
"Two-thirds of unhappy marriages will become happy within five years if people stay married and do not get divorced."
September 14, 2020
Maravilhoso!
September 12, 2021
I wanted to get a Biblical view of what Marriage means... what is expected and why marriage is important in the eyes of God.
July 29, 2025
“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God.”
March 2, 2024
Couldn’t recommend this book highly enough. A clear discussion of the truths and misconceptions about what marriage is and should be.
August 27, 2023
"When you see the problems in each other, do you just want to run away, or do you find a desire to work on them together? If the second impulse is yours, then you have the makings of a marriage. Do you obsess over your partner's external shortcomings, or can you see the beauty within, and do you want to see it increasingly released? Then move forward. The power of truth that marriage has should hold no fear for you."
with full honesty, i went into this book skeptically. i mean, big memes, right. but instead, i found quite a lot of practical wisdom about what composes a truly Gospel-centered marriage. i wish i had read this at a younger age, but i can only be thankful to glean anything now. imagine upholding marriage as an utmost friendship, a partnership that both furthers and appreciates the other's pursuit of Christ! oh, to be in love with the work God is doing in the other person (and to be intimately involved in it!). i've decided that is what i would want most.
keller also had some hard-hitting commentary on singleness, some of which i had never thought about before. in short: God is good through every season; there is no "explanation" for singleness, or conditions that necessarily justify it. the Lord is sovereign through it all.
thanks timmy. i am grateful.
with full honesty, i went into this book skeptically. i mean, big memes, right. but instead, i found quite a lot of practical wisdom about what composes a truly Gospel-centered marriage. i wish i had read this at a younger age, but i can only be thankful to glean anything now. imagine upholding marriage as an utmost friendship, a partnership that both furthers and appreciates the other's pursuit of Christ! oh, to be in love with the work God is doing in the other person (and to be intimately involved in it!). i've decided that is what i would want most.
keller also had some hard-hitting commentary on singleness, some of which i had never thought about before. in short: God is good through every season; there is no "explanation" for singleness, or conditions that necessarily justify it. the Lord is sovereign through it all.
thanks timmy. i am grateful.
June 14, 2021
Finally finished this work after stopping it for nearly two years -- so glad I picked it back up when I did. So honest, so convicting, so encouraging.
June 4, 2024
alright
Read
June 11, 2025 Overall, I think a marriage worked out in the Kellers’ vision would be a really healthy and faithful one. I also really loved a lot of the other authors, like CS Lewis, that Keller referred to throughout as he painted a picture of a marriage where the two people are truly friends who love each other as whole people.
However, I disagree with a lot of their language choices. Specifically, I think some of their word choices elevating marriage work against their case that singleness should not be seen as an inferior status. They try to solve this gap towards the end of the book, and I’m not sure they pull it off.
I think the Kellers are right to point out that people of opposite sexes do tend to express gender differently in a way that is foreign to the other, and a marriage relationship certainly would require learning those gender differences and meeting each other in them. But, I am very unconvinced that there are God-ordained gender roles. Specifically, I do not think it is the case that the Genesis narrative presents Adam in a position of authority and Eve in a role of submission, and the only evidence pointed to by the Kellers is that Adam names Eve. Furthermore, they compare Jesus’ submission to the Father and a woman’s submission to her husband using the word “subordinate”, which fails to recognize that Jesus is not permanently subordinate to the Father and it is heretical to say he is. Thus, the permanent subordination of wives cannot really be said to be exampled by Jesus in the Trinity.
However to their credit, I do really appreciate that the Kellers refuse to extend these gender roles to specific actions in a marriage and genuinely want to protect them from being abused. The vision they lay out ultimately seems like a loving, equal partnership of mutual service and self-giving from the example of Jesus’ life, which is lovely. But the way we talk about stuff is also important.
No stars cause I just didn’t read it in that headspace :) and really just using this review to save all my thoughts, so take em or leave em.
However, I disagree with a lot of their language choices. Specifically, I think some of their word choices elevating marriage work against their case that singleness should not be seen as an inferior status. They try to solve this gap towards the end of the book, and I’m not sure they pull it off.
I think the Kellers are right to point out that people of opposite sexes do tend to express gender differently in a way that is foreign to the other, and a marriage relationship certainly would require learning those gender differences and meeting each other in them. But, I am very unconvinced that there are God-ordained gender roles. Specifically, I do not think it is the case that the Genesis narrative presents Adam in a position of authority and Eve in a role of submission, and the only evidence pointed to by the Kellers is that Adam names Eve. Furthermore, they compare Jesus’ submission to the Father and a woman’s submission to her husband using the word “subordinate”, which fails to recognize that Jesus is not permanently subordinate to the Father and it is heretical to say he is. Thus, the permanent subordination of wives cannot really be said to be exampled by Jesus in the Trinity.
However to their credit, I do really appreciate that the Kellers refuse to extend these gender roles to specific actions in a marriage and genuinely want to protect them from being abused. The vision they lay out ultimately seems like a loving, equal partnership of mutual service and self-giving from the example of Jesus’ life, which is lovely. But the way we talk about stuff is also important.
No stars cause I just didn’t read it in that headspace :) and really just using this review to save all my thoughts, so take em or leave em.
April 11, 2025
Într-adevăr o carte care abordează conceptul căsniciei și practicarea ei în profunzime. Mi-a îmbogățit mult perspectiva și m-a făcut să privesc cu mai mult entuziasm planul lui Dumnezeu de a nu lăsa omul sa fie singur.
Capitolul 6, cel scris de doamna Keller mi s-a părut o leacă incoerent, poate prost tradus, iar pe finalul cărții cam repetitive ideile și puțin irelevantă pentru perioada in care mă aflu în viață.
Însă cel mai probabil mă voi întoarce la această carte.
Capitolul 6, cel scris de doamna Keller mi s-a părut o leacă incoerent, poate prost tradus, iar pe finalul cărții cam repetitive ideile și puțin irelevantă pentru perioada in care mă aflu în viață.
Însă cel mai probabil mă voi întoarce la această carte.
April 14, 2021
Splendid!
Excited to see Clara's review!
Excited to see Clara's review!
May 7, 2024
I've longed for marriage for longer than I can remember, yet never fully grasped the depths of what that level of love and commitment requires. While it's easy to get caught up in our culture's pursuit of self-fulfillment and self-realization through romance and sex, Keller presents a beautiful, breathtaking picture of what God designed marriage to be and represent. This book uses accessible language, surveys of cultural views on marriage, and deep, gospel-rich, biblical descriptions to describe the meaning of marriage to readers. Keller demonstrates the importance of exemplifying and persevering in radical, self-giving, sacrificial love as Christ has done for us. This book shows how marriage reflects our ultimate satisfaction, purpose, identity, and confident hope in our union with God through Christ. I highly recommend this book, no matter what stage of life you are in- whether married or unmarried. For me, it has opened my eyes to the beauty of the gospel in God's design for marriage and singleness, and God's unending goodness and faithful provision in every season.
June 27, 2025
Not saying it was perfect but I am saying I loved it. So so helpful for the not yet married too- reframed my view of marriage and exposed a lot of wrong thinking that was contributing to either fear of marriage or overidolazation or somehow both. A refreshing, raw and honest yet hopeful view on how to make your marriage “sing.”
January 18, 2023
Tim Keller could write a commentary on a phone book and I’d read it, probably cry, then recommend it to a friend.
Beautiful, balanced, challenging.
Beautiful, balanced, challenging.
October 29, 2023
Big Justin Bieber energy from me iykyk
November 22, 2023
Doesn’t really take much for me to give a book 5 stars, but this book deserves it. Everyone talks about reading this when you’re engaged, which is great, but Timothy Keller even states himself that he wrote this for singles as well. He does a great job of revealing what a marriage centered around the gospel looks like, and it is so so so sweet!!! Reading this excited to marry sweetie Jacob!💗
November 2, 2023
Always so fun reading through with sweet couples we’re blessed to counsel on their way to marriage. It doesn’t get old!
October 25, 2023
I think you should read this book whether you are married, want to get married, or never want to get married. Keller doesn’t sugarcoat the Bible’s intent for marriage and offers tangible ways to pursue the Lord’s design for marriage.
April 27, 2023
Thank goodness that's done. I wanted to DNF this several times, but I kept coming back because Matt got such meaning out of it a few years ago when he read it. I started skimming towards the end (after the garbage chapter on gender), but I'm not a very good skimmer, so I essentially just read the sections that Matt had thought it important to underline or comment on.
I don't want to get into all the ways the Kellers and I differ in terms of theology, because it's not important to this review, but let's just say they come at this topic from a very complementarian perspective, and I am more of an egalitarian.
That said, it was frustrating because despite this clear complementarian view towards gender, gender roles and the way the Kellers' marriage operates, I got the sense that they really didn't want to turn people off to their message, so they tried to be, essentially, all things to all people. It kind of muddied up some of their points.
Which is chiefly my biggest complaint: the writing style was hard for me to follow and understand. Now, I'm an educated person, and I read a whole heck of a lot. My comprehension is fine. So when I get to the end of a section and am not sure what the point was - that's a problem, either with the writing or the editing. I also wish there had been more examples to demonstrate their ideas, besides those of the authors' marriage. (Because, not all marriages are the same! I am never going to be one that smashes the dishes because my husband isn't being a good leader. DISHES COST MONEY YO.)
I imagine this would have been a fantastic sermon series though, as that is the form this content originally took.
Things I DID like:
- At one point I laughed out loud because Tim said the only time in the creation story when God says something is NOT good - it's about Adam being alone. Everything else He made He declares good! But nope, Adam by himself - not good.
- I did appreciate the emphasis on friendship within a marriage, and the idea that romantic love can fluctuate over long years but friendship-love is a good strong basis even in the rough times.
- The idea of servant-love/submission being required of BOTH spouses, despite the Biblical "husbands, love your wives" / "wives, submit to your husbands." (Colossians 3) (But we've established that Paul and I don't see eye to eye on lots of things. 🙃)
I don't want to get into all the ways the Kellers and I differ in terms of theology, because it's not important to this review, but let's just say they come at this topic from a very complementarian perspective, and I am more of an egalitarian.
That said, it was frustrating because despite this clear complementarian view towards gender, gender roles and the way the Kellers' marriage operates, I got the sense that they really didn't want to turn people off to their message, so they tried to be, essentially, all things to all people. It kind of muddied up some of their points.
Which is chiefly my biggest complaint: the writing style was hard for me to follow and understand. Now, I'm an educated person, and I read a whole heck of a lot. My comprehension is fine. So when I get to the end of a section and am not sure what the point was - that's a problem, either with the writing or the editing. I also wish there had been more examples to demonstrate their ideas, besides those of the authors' marriage. (Because, not all marriages are the same! I am never going to be one that smashes the dishes because my husband isn't being a good leader. DISHES COST MONEY YO.)
I imagine this would have been a fantastic sermon series though, as that is the form this content originally took.
Things I DID like:
- At one point I laughed out loud because Tim said the only time in the creation story when God says something is NOT good - it's about Adam being alone. Everything else He made He declares good! But nope, Adam by himself - not good.
- I did appreciate the emphasis on friendship within a marriage, and the idea that romantic love can fluctuate over long years but friendship-love is a good strong basis even in the rough times.
- The idea of servant-love/submission being required of BOTH spouses, despite the Biblical "husbands, love your wives" / "wives, submit to your husbands." (Colossians 3) (But we've established that Paul and I don't see eye to eye on lots of things. 🙃)
December 13, 2024
I didn't expect this book to offer so much insight into marriage, the Gospel, singleness, and sex. As I reached the end of the book, reading the final chapter, I found myself not wanting it to stop. I’m deeply thankful for the Kellers—for their wisdom, experience, and most of all, their willingness to share so openly with their readers.
In this book, marriage is described as "a reflection on the human level of our ultimate love relationship and union with the Lord. It is a sign and foretaste of the future kingdom of God." At least, that’s the definition of what marriage was created to be. This perspective enriched and expanded my understanding of marriage, revealing it as something truly beautiful—a gift from God for two sinners to come together to love and serve one another for the good of the other. It’s about putting the other person first, just as Jesus gave everything for our salvation.
If you’re looking for someone, one piece of advice stood out to me (even if it seems obvious): "Screen first for friendship. Look for someone who understands you better than you understand yourself, who makes you a better person just by being around them. Then explore whether that friendship could grow into a romance and a marriage."
P.S. Pages 196 and 197 are definitely worth revisiting—highly recommend, haha!
In this book, marriage is described as "a reflection on the human level of our ultimate love relationship and union with the Lord. It is a sign and foretaste of the future kingdom of God." At least, that’s the definition of what marriage was created to be. This perspective enriched and expanded my understanding of marriage, revealing it as something truly beautiful—a gift from God for two sinners to come together to love and serve one another for the good of the other. It’s about putting the other person first, just as Jesus gave everything for our salvation.
If you’re looking for someone, one piece of advice stood out to me (even if it seems obvious): "Screen first for friendship. Look for someone who understands you better than you understand yourself, who makes you a better person just by being around them. Then explore whether that friendship could grow into a romance and a marriage."
P.S. Pages 196 and 197 are definitely worth revisiting—highly recommend, haha!
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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