Thats Not what I Meant How Conversational Style makes or Breaks Relationships

by Deborah Tannen

"We are, all of us, foreigners to each editor and writer, man and woman, Californian and New Yorker, friend and friend. Dr. Tannen shows us how different we are, and how to speak the same language."Jack RosenthalPultizer Prize winner and editorTHE NEW YORK TIMESDeborah Tannen, who revolutionaized our thinking about relationships between women and men in her bestsller YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, shows that conversational confusion between the sexes is only part of the picture. In THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!, Dr. Tannen shows that growing up in different parts of the country, having different ethnic and class backgrounds, even age and indvidual personality, all contribute to different conversational styles. Entertaining and informative, this is an essential complement to psychological theories of human behavior. No one who has read Deborah Tannen's fascinating look at women and men will want to miss a word of it!

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Linguistics, Communication, Self Help, Language, Relationships

Mass Market Paperback

First published January 1, 1986

About the author

Deborah Tannen is best known as the author of You Just Don't Understand, which was on The New York Times Best Seller list for nearly four years years, including eight months as No. 1, and has been translated into 29 languages. It was also on best seller lists in Brazil, Canada, England, Germany, Holland, and Hong Kong. This is the book that brought gender differences in communication style to the forefront of public awareness. Her book Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work , a New York Times Business Best Seller, does for the workplace what the earlier book did for women and men talking at home. She has also made a training video, Talking 9 to 5. Her book, The Argument Culture, received the Common Ground Book Award. Her book, I Only Say This Because I Love You: Talking to Your Parents, Partner, Sibs, and Kids When You're All Adults, received a Books for a Better Life Award. Her latest book, You're Wearing THAT?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation, was recently published in paperback by Ballantine; it spent ten weeks on the New York Times Best Seller List after its initial publication in 2006.

Deborah Tannen is a frequent guest on television and radio news and information shows. In connection with You're Wearing THAT? she appeared on 20/20, Good Morning America, the Today Show, the Rachael Ray Talk Show, the CBS Early Show, and on NPR's Morning Edition and the Diane Rehm show. The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer, 48 Hours, CBS News, ABC World News Tonight, Oprah, CNN, Larry King, Hardball, Nightline, and NPR are among the major television and radio shows on which Dr. Tannen has appeared in connection with previous books. She has been featured in and written for most major newspapers and magazines including The New York Times, Newsweek, Time, USA Today, People, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.

Dr. Tannen has lectured all over the world. Her audiences have included corporations such as Corning, Chevron, Motorola, Rolm (Siemens), McKinsey and Co., and Delta, as well as the Board of Trustees of The Wharton School and a gathering of United States senators and their spouses. Combining the results of years of research and observation with videotaped real-life footage of office interaction, Dr. Tannen gives her audiences a new framework for understanding what happens in conversations both in the workplace and at home.

In addition to her linguistic research and writing, Dr. Tannen has published poetry, short stories, and personal essays. Her first play, "An Act of Devotion," is included in The Best American Short Plays: 1993-1994. It was produced, together with her play "Sisters," by Horizons Theatre in Arlington, Virginia in 1995.

Deborah Tannen is on the linguistics department faculty at Georgetown University, where she is one of only two in the College of Arts and Sciences who hold the distinguished rank of University Professor. She has been McGraw Distinguished Lecturer at Princeton University, and was a fellow at the Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences in Stanford, California, following a term in residence at the Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton, New Jersey. She has published twenty-one books and over 100 articles and is the recipient of five honorary doctorates. Dr. Tannen is a member of the PEN/Faulkner Foundation Board and the Board of Horizons Theatre.

Reviews

[Irena Pasvinter · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this course. Excellent, both in content and in narration. Professor Deborah Tannen presents sociolinguistics' findings on cultural and gender differences of different conversational styles in engaging and effective way, and without dumbing down the topic.

Read in 2015

[Leslie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is an excellent complement to Deborah Tannen's other book. It is less about gender, and more about how pacing, volume, and many other stylistic elements of conversation communicate more loudly than our words. These elements can form the basis of unfounded accusations about character if they remain unrecognized. If they are recognized, and at least one conversational partner can exercise stylistic flexibility, then improved communication can occur and peoples' underlying personalities - rather than their cultural habits of communication - can be discovered. It provides extremely helpful insight into the things that make many of our conversations stall with awkward miscues, while others click along with well-matched enthusiasm.

[Dea꧂ · Rating 3 out of 5]

"We need to get close to each other to have a sense of
community, to feel we're not alone in the world. But we need
to keep our distance from each other to preserve our
independence, so others don't impose on or engulf us. This
duality reflects the human condition. We are individual and
social creatures. We need other people to survive, but we
want to survive as individuals."

Problems in communication are clearly unsolvable.

"We all keep balancing the needs for involvement and
independence, but individuals as well as cultures place
different relative values on these needs and have different
ways of expressing those values."

[D. B. Grace · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book used a narrative style that reminded me a lot of Chapman's love language books: the short explanation of the concept in general, and then two or three little stories about "John and Marcy" told to exemplify the concept. It's very easy to digest, easy to understand, and for how short and brief this book is, I think it manages to get across quite a few complex concepts.

The core message (that misunderstandings are more likely to be due to difference in style than real ill will, and that while communication styles may be different none of them are morally superior) is a good one. Although it did somewhat depress me. As a person who CAN. NOT. continue talking if I'm being talked over or interrupted, I'm pretty sure I'm never going to be able to pull off the magical transformation one of her example guys did, by just plunging in and becoming one with the gleeful yelling match. And I do still feel like the "but you have to get me something for my birthday that shows you Know Me Really Well without any input from me because if you need me to give you a birthday list you must not truly care/know me" person is needy and unrealistic and should chill.

In that vein, a lot of this book felt like putting a microscope to a problem that by its very nature is hopeless to fix. Intellectually interesting, but leaving you nothing to do afterward but throw up your hands and accept your doom. Hoping all things about people's motives while trying to be conscious of different cultural communication expectations has left me paranoid and jumping at shadow metamessages. I end up paralyzed into doing what I would have done anyway, and hoping everyone has grace for me and my screw-ups. I wish there was an answer for this, but I don't think there is one, and it's not in this book at any rate.

I mentioned how brief That's Not What I Meant is. In this version, it's barely over 200 pages. Partially constrained by its need to be small enough and simple enough to be accessible, and partially constrained by the nature of socio-linguistics as among the softest of soft sciences, this book is pretty essentialist. That's mostly unavoidable, and I think for what it is, That's Not What I Meant does a decent job at nuance and disclaimer. But it is definitely essentialist in the way that my entry-level Crosscultural Communications class was pretty essentialist. You learn all the stuff about "high context" and "low context" cultures first off, so that later you can study how they stand up or break down when applied to real life.

Some of Tannen's chapters remind me of the sweeping generalizations in my CCC textbook, especially her chapters about male and female communication. The temptation with pop psychology/sociology/personality tests/linguistics is to construct some kind of airtight worldview, artificially forcing everyone into the boxes transcribed by the book. As long as you can avoid that and take broad theoretical constructs for what they are -- approximations with value only inasmuch as they are useful -- then this book has some fascinating insights to share.

[Shelley Diamond · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent resource for anyone interested in communication problems. Couples and family members will be the most likely readers but it is also relevant for larger social, cultural, and global conflicts.

This book shows how difficult it is to know what someone else really means when they speak. The author helps identify various ways to clarify and better understand each other.

If you have any relationships at all, you should read this book.....

[Heather Denkmire · Rating 4 out of 5]

If I believed in a "plan" for our universe (I don't), I'd think this lecture series was "meant for me." It relates to so many of my interests (mis/communication, mis/understanding, language, politics, power, framing, gender, socio-economic class, the social construction of reality, etc.)...

"Complementary schismogenesis" (in the realm of sociolinguistics) is my new favorite concept.

Not everyone is as fascinated by interpersonal communications as I am, but, if how we speak to each other and how we understand and/or misunderstand each other interests you, this is a great little lecture series.

[Manifest Stefany · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn't expect this lecture to be so humorous as well as deeply engaging. I simply could not stop listening to it. I found myself having a few AH HA! Moments in regards to my interpersonal and business communication. I am looking forward to diving into part two.

[Samantha Shelley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Love books about communication styles. I particularly enjoy that this book discusses topics that seem common sense but are not. The way Tannen laid the ideas out lead to a greater understanding of communication styles.

[Jan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I saw some people raving about this online, so I decided to pick up a copy for myself, because I felt that my husband and I could stand to have better communication. This is not a self help book. It's not going to provide you with handy dandy tips on how to improve your method of communication. Written by a linguist, it explores different styles of communication, and how people often end up at cross purposes. It gave me quite a few "light bulb" moments in regards to how my husband's communication style differs from my own. I find myself thinking about it a lot. While I wouldn't say that I've made any changes, I do find myself now starting to reframe the conversation in my head whenever I run into communication difficulties.

[Troy Blackford · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very interesting book on Sociolinguistics. It really helps you understand how differing conversational styles can cause rifts and misunderstandings between people in different situations. It was interesting to hear how different styles of speaking and listening can be misinterpreted, and gave a lot of tips for overcoming that. Also, I feel better outfitted now to recognize differing conversational styles, particularly the way different people expect the end of one speaking cycle to be marked and another one from another speaker to begin.

Very interesting stuff, and it's clear that Dr. Tannen knows what she is talking about. Recommended.

[Eri · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm not insensitive, I just have a different conversation style than you.
I'm not silent, I just have a different conversation style than you.
I do not mean to harm you, I just have a different conversation style than you.
Yes, we both are honest, we just have different conversations styles, so we misunderstand each other all the time.
How, why, and what's really going on, in a nice lean book.

[Rachel Cooper · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had to read this for school, and at first I was incredibly bored in the first couple of chapters, but as it went on I felt that it was actually very good for a school book, and I enjoyed it! It didn’t get too deep into any of the topics, but definitely serves as a great spring board to look into meta communication and meta messaging in sociolinguistics.

[Aziza · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lot of good insight into conversational style, especially the points about mutual schismogenesis. Deborah does tend to repeat herself, though.

[Lucía ✨ · Rating 4 out of 5]

"But the most important thing is to be aware that misunderstandings can arise, and with them tempers, when no one is crazy and no one is mean and no one is intentionally dishonest. We can learn to stop and remind ourselves that others may not mean what we heard them say."

[Swarup · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book. You'll get to know important things about various aspects of communication. And how to understand what everyone is saying.

[Hetal Bhatia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tannen's anecdotes and analysis around linguistics are very relatable and makes it a must read.

The book focuses on the nuances of communication, introduces a concept of conversational style, and makes you reflect on your past conversations. Its a bit too complicated and confusing to comprehend in some areas but so is communication.

Lastly, don't look for a successful formula, it is unrealistic and one is bound to be disappointed

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is another one of those books where I'd really prefer to have two ratings for different parts. Most of the book was very engaging and interesting. Tannen does a good job explaining the concept of communication styles for a novice audience. Given the practical consequences of differing communication styles, that's an important thing. And for the most part, she steers clear of stereotypes that could alienate her audience while still providing concrete, illuminating examples. The one part where she falls into stereotyping really, really hard is in chapter 8, and that's the one where my rating really diverges. Her narrative tone remains the same, but look, if you're going to try gendering speech, unless you're in a country like Japan where certain speech is pretty much verboten for different genders, you're going to have to stereotype. I guess it can be useful for some audiences, but as someone who doesn't really tend to conform to type that much on these sorts of issues, it can be very alienating. I felt kind of like I was eavesdropping on an alien culture or something. It's not a really pleasant feeling, although the sense of archeological intrigue can mitigate that feeling a little bit.

So, overall, the book was very interesting, and I give it 4 stars. However, chapter 8 only gets 3 stars. While never boring, it really doesn't live up to the rest of the book and ultimately feels out of place.

[Alex · Rating 4 out of 5]

There’s a lot to take away from this lecture series. One of the biggest concepts my eyes were opened to was conversational style. I knew about the differences, but I didn’t have a framework to hang the disparate observations onto. Styles vary significantly by region, culture, and gender. For example, some conversational styles include the use of “I’m sorry” as a standard mechanism to express sympathy and mean “I’m sorry that thing happened or that it made you feel bad” and does not include an apology component, yet we frequently judge people with weakness when coming from a communication style where “sorry” is only used in apologies.

Another great concept was complementary schismogenesis. This is where the conversational styles conflict in such a fashion as they drive both parties to become ever more agitated at the other and pushes both to even greater extremes of the same style. For example, one style includes short pauses and a lot of supportive vocalizations against a style that includes long pauses and minimal vocalizations may find the other rude. The short pause person will fill the void and may consider the other uninterested and distance, while the long pause person may consider the other rude, interrupting, and domineering.

While this lecture series may not make huge changes in my life, it has given me a framework to understand the differences, and I hope it will make me more conscious of my conversations.

[Shivnarayan · Rating 3 out of 5]

You might as well read the last chapter; the rest of the book is just a detailed discussion of the chapter. One thing to keep in mind is that the book does not offer ways to improve conversations, rather it just details the ways in which conversations might go awry. But then if you know what make something to malfunction, you can surely avoid those things to stop the thing from malfunctioning, init? Now, if you just want the gist of the book, then it might be the following:

1) It is almost impossible to have a conversation without obvious hiccups now and then. This does not mean the person/people being talked to are boors and rude; it just highlights the differences in conversational styles.

2) Sometimes people might 'frame' you in a situation or conversation which might warp the meaning of whatever that has gone before and is to come. You can not avoid such 'framing', but can always break such frames. Examples are given in the book.

3) It is always better to focus on metacommunication (approximate translation: true intentions) than on actual communication (or mere information that words convey).

4) Not to judge someone by third person's account.

5) Google these terms: framing, complementary schismogenesis and sapir-whorf hypothesis.

Thanks! :)

[Rajiv Chopra · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book through reasonably fast, and the only reason why I could do this, was because the book was written in a manner that is easy to read. The points that she raised are fantastic, and I could really relate to the examples that she gave.

It is a book that is well worth keeping, reading and absorbing.
There is not too much by way of strategies for improving your communication. Initially, I was a bit disappointed, but then I realized that this is something that each individual has to work out for himself/herself. The danger with many self-help books, is that they promise a lot, and recommend strategies that are often impossible to implement, because they are too generic. So, while she does give some broad recommendations, she wisely avoids making this a universal self-help book that promises the world, and does not deliver on the promise.

The lessons and examples are to be internalised, and practiced, if they are to work. That is the hard work that we, as readers, have to do!

[Molly Caldera · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book for its informative, yet entertaining style. Ms. Tannen has a way of writing about a scholarly topic that makes it relevant to people who are not linguists. in particular pt. II that discussed the pauses and intonation hit close to home for me. I think that section was most important to a lot of people because we all come from unique home where pauses and the natural flow of conversations differs. Knowing that you might have to adjust your way of pausing or volume in order for effective communication may be the difference in making or breaking a relationship. I highly recommend this book to people who are in business with a variety of people, or who are in leadership positions, but I would also recommend this book to people who are having trouble communicating with people in their daily lives. All in all, I'd every person can take something away from this book and put it toward effective communication.

[alternBRUNO°° · Rating 4 out of 5]

A través de ejemplos cotidianos en las conversaciones del diario, Tannen reconstruye los problemas de comunicación más comunes. Se ayuda de conceptos lingüísticos para explicitar los desacuerdos que surgen cuando las personas intentan expresar sus ideas a través del habla.

El libro tiene pequeños apartados que evitan el extraviarse en un tema tan complejo. El capítulo de la crìtica y en donde explica la metacomunicación son sumamente valiosos. Hay numerosas oraciones e incluso párrafos que pueden utilizarse para hacer un meticuloso análisis del discurso.

[Dan Slimmon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'd highly recommend these audio lectures to anyone who makes a habit of conversing with human beings. I learned so much about how sociolinguistic preferences can vary across genders, ethnic backgrounds, and social standings.

The lesson that will really stick with me is this. People tend to extrapolate from conversational style to a person's intentions and abilities. But if you instead try to understand the style itself as a valid system with its own logic, it can clear up a lot of misunderstandings and make communication more effective.

[Ravi Sinha · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was recommended to all new hires at a new job, but while I appreciate the general advice about empathy, and about trying to understand the deep hidden intentions behind people's actions and giving them the benefit of the doubt, and while I also appreciate some more concrete advice strewn across the book apart from just empathy, as in for example changing the frame, or clarifying your intent by over-communicating -- I still found it pretty hard to stay focused on the content. It feels like the author is just empathizing with all the parties involved.

[MEK · Rating 4 out of 5]

Started this lecture series yesterday. At, 57, is there hope for unlearning and relearning communication styles? More later. OK, done now. This is an excellent series of talks on communication styles. Tannen discusses the differences in styles due to ethnic background, age, gender. She's instructional but warm and humorous at the same time. It helps to understand how I may be percieved by others as well as realize that my perceptions may not be quite accurate.

[Kevin · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great compliment to her other book, He Said, She Said. Discusses in great detail the different conversational styles that exist with different people, genders, cultures, ages, etc. Helps one to spot areas and reasons for communication problems which, once identified, can be worked on to be corrected.

[Robert Delikat · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have never read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus but I cannot help but think this book may be similar. The book is wonderful and will go a long way in helping me to communicate more effectively and think more compassionately in terms of both genders.

[Cat. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a Modern Scholar course, and I've read a little of Tannen's work, so there wasn't much here that was new, but it certainly gives me a better handle on some behaviors that I can control that impact my interactions with others. Most of it involves more listening, and more awareness.

[Ivan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly compelling information on misunderstandings caused by conversational style differences, primarily those rooted in gender. I have already started using what I've learned.

[Mihai Rosca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Following He Said, She Said by the same author, I tried also "That's not what I meant!". The content in both books is similar to a certain degree, with a key here being placed on the more technical aspects of the research and the observational framework used.

The book has some great concepts that made me understand more my daily interactions with the people around me. Let's take for instance the Complementary Schismogenesis term. In his 1936 book Naven, Bateson defined schismogenesis as "a process of differentiation in the norms of individual behaviour resulting from cumulative interaction between individuals"

As an example to this, let's think about how a woman might want an apology from the man she is with for a minor misdemeanor. Women use apologies as a way to express empathy or smooth over awkward moments. Men often interpret apologies as an admission of weakness or fault. Since the misdemeanor is considered minor, the woman insists that the man apologize and show empathy towards her. On the other side, being a minor thing, the man considers no apology is necessary. After all, why does she need to put him in a one down position for such a trivial thing? The more she insists, the more he resists and acts up. The more he does this, the more she feels the need for him to show empathy to her and insists. Both parties leave the discussion feeling betrayed and misunderstood.

These are powerful examples I found many of these eye opening bits in the book.

Key differences in communication styles

1. High-Considerateness vs. High-Involvement:
High-considerateness speakers focus on politeness and avoiding interruptions, prioritizing harmony.
High-involvement speakers dive into conversations with energy, overlapping and interrupting to show engagement.

2. Indirectness vs. Directness:
Indirect speakers drop hints and expect the listener to read between the lines.
Direct speakers value clarity and say exactly what they mean, expecting others to do the same.

3. Pacing and Pauses:
Some people pause often and consider silence respectful; others fill every gap with words, considering silence awkward or disengaged.

4. Formality vs. Informality:
Formal styles rely on structured language and respect hierarchy.
Informal styles prefer casual talk, treating everyone as equals.

5. Use of Compliments:
One person’s compliment might feel insincere to someone who sees praise as rare and earned.

6. Overlapping Speech:
Is someone cutting you off, or just showing enthusiasm? Setting bad intentions aside, the only truth lies within their conversational culture.

7. Conversation Goals:
Some people prioritize content: getting the facts straight.
Others prioritize connection: maintaining the emotional flow.

Tannen doesn’t just describe conversational styles—she helps you decode the hidden messages and mismatches that lead to miscommunication. Her examples are relatable (sometimes painfully so), and her insights are invaluable for anyone looking to improve relationships, whether personal or professional.

The book’s impact is undeniable. It’s a wake-up call to stop assuming others see the world—and hear your words—the same way you do. If you’ve ever felt misunderstood or wondered why someone reacted “weirdly” to your words, this book is for you.
Read it. Laugh. Learn. And maybe save yourself a few awkward conversations.