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Holding the Man
From the land of Down Under comes this true story about a male high school drama student who falls in love with the captain of the football team. Winner of the United Nations Human Rights Award for Nonfiction, HOLDING THE MAN has been adapted into a play opening in America in September 2007. The playwright who adapted the book for stage refers to this a a memoir of striking and unapologetic honesty.
320 pages, Paperback
First published June 5, 1995
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9363 people want to read
About the author
Timothy Conigrave
4 books61 followersAustralian actor, writer, and activist.
Conigrave was born in Melbourne, and after attending the Jesuit Xavier College and Monash University, where he appeared in Bertolt Brecht's A Man's a Man and Ariane Mnouchkine's 1789. Following graduation he worked with the St. Martin's Youth Arts Centre. Under the direction of Helmut Bakaitis, Alison Richards and Val Levkowicz, he performed in the touring productions of The Zig & Zag Follies, Cain's Hand and Quick-Eze Cafe. In July 1981 he performed in the Australian Performing Group (APG) production of Bold Tales at The Pram Factory, under the direction of Peter King. Also in 1981 he worked on Edward Bond's Saved for the Guild Theatre Company and completed his first play, The Blitz Kids, which was performed at the La Mama Theatre (Adelaide) in August 1981.
Conigrave later moved to Sydney to study at the National Institute of Dramatic Art (NIDA), from which he graduated in 1984. Two years later he was instrumental in initiating the acclaimed Soft Targets (1986) project at Sydney's Griffin Theatre Company, where for a period he served on the board of directors.
He appeared in such plays as Brighton Beach Memoirs, As Is, and On Top of the World. He was also a playwright, producing works including Thieving Boy, Like Stars in your Hands and The Blitz Kids.
He was a member of The Globos, a musical comedy cabaret group, performing at Sydney's Kinselas nightclub in the mid-1980s.
His major work, the autobiographical Holding the Man (1995), is the story of his 15-year love affair with John Caleo. They met at Xavier when Caleo was captain of the football team and Conigrave wanted to be an actor. Conigrave finished the book shortly before dying of an AIDS-related illness. The book was published by Penguin Books in Australia in February 1995, and also in Spain and North America. It won the 1995 United Nations Award for Non-Fiction.
Holding the Man has been adapted into a multi award-winning play by Tommy Murphy. The premiere production was directed by David Berthold at Griffin Theatre Company. It later played a return season at Griffin, February–March 2007, where it also sold out, before transferring to the Sydney Opera House for a third sell-out season, 9–26 May 2007. Company B at the Belvoir St Theatre hosted a fourth season 22 September-4 November 2007. A fifth season played at the Brisbane Powerhouse in early March 2008, with a sixth following as part of Melbourne Theatre Company's 2008 season, 19 March-26 April 2008. In 2010 it played in London's Trafalgar Studios. There have also been productions in San Francisco, Auckland, New Zealand, and most recently was a 2014 production in Los Angeles directed by Larry Moss and featuring Nate Jones, Adam J. Yeend, Cameron Daddo and Roxane Wilson.
Conigrave and Caleo were diagnosed with HIV in 1985. They remained relatively healthy until 1990. In 1991, Caleo was diagnosed with cancer. Conigrave nursed Caleo, despite fighting his own illness. Caleo died on Australia Day (26 January) 1992. Conigrave died on 18 October 1994.
Conigrave was born in Melbourne, and after attending the Jesuit Xavier College and Monash University, where he appeared in Bertolt Brecht's A Man's a Man and Ariane Mnouchkine's 1789. Following graduation he worked with the St. Martin's Youth Arts Centre. Under the direction of Helmut Bakaitis, Alison Richards and Val Levkowicz, he performed in the touring productions of The Zig & Zag Follies, Cain's Hand and Quick-Eze Cafe. In July 1981 he performed in the Australian Performing Group (APG) production of Bold Tales at The Pram Factory, under the direction of Peter King. Also in 1981 he worked on Edward Bond's Saved for the Guild Theatre Company and completed his first play, The Blitz Kids, which was performed at the La Mama Theatre (Adelaide) in August 1981.
Conigrave later moved to Sydney to study at the National Institute of Dramatic Art (NIDA), from which he graduated in 1984. Two years later he was instrumental in initiating the acclaimed Soft Targets (1986) project at Sydney's Griffin Theatre Company, where for a period he served on the board of directors.
He appeared in such plays as Brighton Beach Memoirs, As Is, and On Top of the World. He was also a playwright, producing works including Thieving Boy, Like Stars in your Hands and The Blitz Kids.
He was a member of The Globos, a musical comedy cabaret group, performing at Sydney's Kinselas nightclub in the mid-1980s.
His major work, the autobiographical Holding the Man (1995), is the story of his 15-year love affair with John Caleo. They met at Xavier when Caleo was captain of the football team and Conigrave wanted to be an actor. Conigrave finished the book shortly before dying of an AIDS-related illness. The book was published by Penguin Books in Australia in February 1995, and also in Spain and North America. It won the 1995 United Nations Award for Non-Fiction.
Holding the Man has been adapted into a multi award-winning play by Tommy Murphy. The premiere production was directed by David Berthold at Griffin Theatre Company. It later played a return season at Griffin, February–March 2007, where it also sold out, before transferring to the Sydney Opera House for a third sell-out season, 9–26 May 2007. Company B at the Belvoir St Theatre hosted a fourth season 22 September-4 November 2007. A fifth season played at the Brisbane Powerhouse in early March 2008, with a sixth following as part of Melbourne Theatre Company's 2008 season, 19 March-26 April 2008. In 2010 it played in London's Trafalgar Studios. There have also been productions in San Francisco, Auckland, New Zealand, and most recently was a 2014 production in Los Angeles directed by Larry Moss and featuring Nate Jones, Adam J. Yeend, Cameron Daddo and Roxane Wilson.
Conigrave and Caleo were diagnosed with HIV in 1985. They remained relatively healthy until 1990. In 1991, Caleo was diagnosed with cancer. Conigrave nursed Caleo, despite fighting his own illness. Caleo died on Australia Day (26 January) 1992. Conigrave died on 18 October 1994.
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September 9, 2016
"As I walked him to the station John said, 'I wish we could hold hands properly.' The weight of what he said sank in. 'Maybe one day, when things change.'
Holding The Man is a memoir written by Timothy Conigrave about growing up and living as a gay man in the 1970s and 1980s in Australia. Tim realizes he is gay at a young age and the novel begins with his self discovery and experimentation with a few different boys, until he meets John Caleo. John is the captain of the high school football team and what at first seems like an unlikely relationship, becomes one of the most heartbreaking stories I have ever read. We get to experience their relationship and all of the ups and downs that they had to overcome together. Whether it was coming out to their parents and friends or dealing with the HIV and AIDS pandemic of the 1980s, Holding The Man felt so real and personal and it is a true treasure of a novel.
The 1980s have always been a decade in which I wish I could have lived. Hell, even the 1970s would have been awesome to experience. However, there are times when I read books or watch movies that take place in this era and I realize how much we take today for granted. I didn’t grow up hearing about the AIDS pandemic on the news. It was something we learned about in school and through pop culture, but I never experienced the scare of this new virus going around and killing people without any real explanation or form of medication that could help. Reading Holding The Man helped me understand what that must have been like, how scary it must have been. To know that you were one hundred percent going to die if you got this disease, I just can’t even imagine how that must have felt.
"Later that night my head was filled with AIDS, young people dying in pain. My relationship with John is not forever. Either we break up or one of us dies. There was no relief from this thought."
Timothy Conigrave is such a phenomenal writer. He didn’t hold back a single detail, no matter how shocking, risqué or depressing it was. I think that’s probably part of what made this book feel so real, other than the fact that it is indeed a true story of course. Tim didn’t romanticize anything. He poured his heart and soul out into this memoire by telling his story exactly how it was. Was his relationship with John perfect? No. I watched the film adaptation of this novel, before realizing it even was even based on a true story/memoire, and I can tell you right now that the film definitely took some liberties. While it did explore Tim’s need to experiment, it didn’t nearly go into the level of detail that the novel had. Although Tim and John had their rough patches, these two were clearly soulmates. One could not live without the other. To be together for 15 years, even if it was off and on, definitely means something. They never left each others side and they were always there for one another when they needed love and support the most.
While I had no idea what I was getting myself into as I watched the film, I was well aware of what I was getting myself into as I read the book. I cried both times. Probably from shock while watching the film as I had no idea the direction that it was about to take, but probably from complete and utter sadness while reading the novel. Even though I knew what was coming, the book provided an entirely new level of detail and emotion that just got to me. Honestly, I think that this book would make anyone who reads cry. It’s completely devastating, but also extremely beautiful.
"On the way home I thought about what Mark had said, and slowly the things that John did came into my head. The way his hand brushes mine as we are walking, his little finger hooks mine, our secretive version of holding hands. The smile that breaks out on his face when he sees me. His pet names for me...and my favourite, him playing with my hair while my head is in his lap as we watch television. I was warmed by these memories and realized that I only had to look around to see that he indeed loved me."
--
WHAT I LIKED
I absolutely loved everything about this book. I loved that we got to experience the relationship between Tim & John as they were growing up from high school students to adults. I loved that their relationship was far from perfect. I loved how truthful and raw the writing was. I loved learning about how each of the boys’ family and friends reacted to them as a gay couple and then again as they were both diagnosed with AIDS. This book was hands down one of the most beautiful novels and one of the most heartbreaking true stories I have ever read.
WHAT I DIDN’T LIKE
As mentioned, I absolutely loved EVERYTHING about this book. I wouldn’t change a single thing about it. Everyone needs to read this wonderful novel. I’m truly grateful that I was able to come across this beautiful true story.
"Ci vedremo lassù, angelo."
--
Initial post reading thoughts:
I'm not crying...you're crying.
December 15, 2023
4 Stars
This was a touching true story about love, loss, betrayal and forgiveness.
Autobiographical in nature, Tim Conigrave chronicles the highs and lows of his life experiences over a 20 year period.
Born and raised in Melbourne, Tim realised at a very early age that he identified as gay. Growing up in a conservative Catholic family in the 70s, and attending an exclusive all-boys school as a closest gay kid, was no easy feat.
The main focus of this story is the relationship Tim shared with John Caleo. John and Tim met in high school and eventually fell in love. Their relationship spanned over 15 years . They faced discrimination and prejudice from their families and members of the community, but through it all their love for one another preserved.
This isn’t to say they didn’t suffer through some seriously trying times as a couple, because they most certainly did. Their relationship definitely had its ups and downs.
.
By the end of this story I was emotionally drained. Knowing it's a true story, written by a man who was so brutally honest and open in his sharing of his life, made this quite an engrossing and poignant reading experience.
To be honest, I didn’t like Tim all that much, which is a hard thing for me to admit, because it feels wrong to have such negative opinions of a man who, ultimately, did such good things with his life. He shared his life so honestly, not shying away from the good or the bad, for the entire world to see, and that in itself takes a certain type of courage and determination to achieve. He came across as unappealingly self-centred most of the time, although, I got the strong sense that he had little awareness of this behaviour. Many times throughout the story he’d say things like “I guess I did the wrong thing” or “He seems mad at me, maybe I shouldn’t have done that”, to which I just shook my head and sent lots of ranty text messages encompassing my rage and anguishes to my reading buddy, Kerenza (see her much better review here). But, like I said, it’s such a brave thing to share yourself so openly for all to judge and critic, so I give my full respect to Tim for that.
Now, I just have to emotionally survive a viewing of the film adaptation this weekend and I can finally put Tim and John’s heartbreaking story to rest.
This was a touching true story about love, loss, betrayal and forgiveness.
Autobiographical in nature, Tim Conigrave chronicles the highs and lows of his life experiences over a 20 year period.
Born and raised in Melbourne, Tim realised at a very early age that he identified as gay. Growing up in a conservative Catholic family in the 70s, and attending an exclusive all-boys school as a closest gay kid, was no easy feat.
The main focus of this story is the relationship Tim shared with John Caleo. John and Tim met in high school and eventually fell in love. Their relationship spanned over 15 years . They faced discrimination and prejudice from their families and members of the community, but through it all their love for one another preserved.
This isn’t to say they didn’t suffer through some seriously trying times as a couple, because they most certainly did. Their relationship definitely had its ups and downs.
.
By the end of this story I was emotionally drained. Knowing it's a true story, written by a man who was so brutally honest and open in his sharing of his life, made this quite an engrossing and poignant reading experience.
To be honest, I didn’t like Tim all that much, which is a hard thing for me to admit, because it feels wrong to have such negative opinions of a man who, ultimately, did such good things with his life. He shared his life so honestly, not shying away from the good or the bad, for the entire world to see, and that in itself takes a certain type of courage and determination to achieve. He came across as unappealingly self-centred most of the time, although, I got the strong sense that he had little awareness of this behaviour. Many times throughout the story he’d say things like “I guess I did the wrong thing” or “He seems mad at me, maybe I shouldn’t have done that”, to which I just shook my head and sent lots of ranty text messages encompassing my rage and anguishes to my reading buddy, Kerenza (see her much better review here). But, like I said, it’s such a brave thing to share yourself so openly for all to judge and critic, so I give my full respect to Tim for that.
Now, I just have to emotionally survive a viewing of the film adaptation this weekend and I can finally put Tim and John’s heartbreaking story to rest.
August 26, 2015
An interesting, affecting, and poignant read. I have to admit, though, I came away with a sense that Tim is a bit of an unreliable narrator. Although he is quick to point out his own faults, and he does some truly selfish, awful things, I also wonder if in his grief he painted a wholly romantic and idealised portrait of his partner John.
I knew little about this book before I started reading it, so the second half came as a bit of a shock. Being part of the generation that was young and scared shitless by the Grim Reaper 'bowling' ads that were a mainstay of our childhoods, it is important to note that the generation following us, especially in light of new statistics, have seemingly become immune (no pun intended) to the horrors of AIDS as the number of infections is on the increase again.
That's why this book remains important. Both as a chronicle of its time, and because it STILL has relevance. All in all, it is a book about love, about being human, and I dare anyone not to be touched by it.
I knew little about this book before I started reading it, so the second half came as a bit of a shock. Being part of the generation that was young and scared shitless by the Grim Reaper 'bowling' ads that were a mainstay of our childhoods, it is important to note that the generation following us, especially in light of new statistics, have seemingly become immune (no pun intended) to the horrors of AIDS as the number of infections is on the increase again.
That's why this book remains important. Both as a chronicle of its time, and because it STILL has relevance. All in all, it is a book about love, about being human, and I dare anyone not to be touched by it.
June 15, 2024
“Just holding and kissing gently. Little angel kisses. If this had been it, if I had died then, I would have said it was enough.”
A devastating yet beautiful story of being gay in Australia from the seventies through the nineties, “Holding the Man is the nonfiction story of the Timothy Conigrave’s life as a gay man, from his sexual awakening to battling HIV and then AIDS with his partner, John Caleo, and their friends. While there is sorrow in the diagnosis, it is accompanied by the juxtaposition of the joy that Tim finds being an out gay man, in spite of his mum’s warning that, if he didn’t grow out of being gay he would live a ‘very sad, lonely life.’
“He smiled and whispered, ‘I wish you were a girl.’ I wasn’t sure what he meant but said I wished he was a girl too.”
While I’d say the bulk of this book has to do with John, a lot of it also has to do with both of their families and the support and love they found in their friends. Every place there was hatred and an attempt at pulling John and Tim apart from their families (especially John’s), their friends, even in the beginning, were loving and supporting, always finding ways to help them see each other and accepting them for who they are. There is a really big part of this where you can feel Tim fighting back against his mother’s notion that being gay is lonely and, almost always, proving her wrong. This helped a lot with keeping a lighter tone for the majority of the book, but sometimes John’s catholic parents would win, like when his mother told him that if he wanted her to tell people that he was in the hospital for an AIDS-related cancer then she wouldn’t be his mother anymore, or when John’s father tries his very hardest to complete erase the fact that John and Tim were in a fifteen-year relationship that was a marriage in everything but name. But even then, when John’s father is taking so much from them legally, their friends are there to find small ways to fight. There is sorrow in the times that they were born, but there is also light and Tim is set on making sure that people who read this know that.
“He places the towel around my waist and pulls me toward him. ‘Your strength is in this.’ He places his mouth on mine and I am charged. I am strong, I am a man. We sink into the water. I am cocooned. I am whole.”
Throughout the entire book, Tim is very explicit with his attraction and exploits, which is not my preference, but I don’t mind too much as I again kind of found it to be a type of rebellion to be able to openly talk about it in a published book. While I really appreciate the brutal self-reflection, there are (many) times where Tim is unfaithful to John and it can be a bit hard to read about at times. The vulnerability for him to show his audience all of him is commendable though.
“Over our group of friends lay a pall of fear. Discussions would revolve around the latest theory or rumor. ‘We’re going to know people who will die from this.’ ”
Before their symptoms get too bad, Tim is an active member in a theater community to raise awareness for HIV/AIDS and works at the AIDS Hotline once he is diagnosed. With the play, there is a need from the gay community to “reclaim an issue that had been hijacked by the media” as their community begins to notice how much information being told about AIDS is both not told by people who have AIDS nor are gay people at the forefront of talking about it in the media. Instead of education, there is fear and the wondering if anyone cares because it feels like nothing is being done because of the community it is most affecting. This is another place where Conigrave mixes a devasting reality with the hope and joy of community banding together to help each other in any way they can. It is devasting, but they don’t give up hope.
“ ‘I don’t think we realized what we were dealing with. I believed that all we needed was a positive attitude, and everything would turn out right. What a way to find out we were wrong.’ ”
“I have AIDS. I’m not afraid of dying but I don’t want to be in pain. I want as much time as I can get. What’s that? Six months? Three years? Will I ever see my play produced? Everything needs to be reassessed now. I have AIDS. What will the boys in the project think? What will my friends think? I don’t want them to be scared of me or the fact that I’m dying. Am I dying? I don’t know. I don’t think so.”
Conigrave doesn’t shy away from the sometimes-nauseating details of living with and being the caretaker of someone with HIV, and later AIDS. This is the first book I have read on the disease and, while I knew how terrible it was at a distance, it felt important to see the inner workings of it up close and how much ruin it left in its wake. While there is devastation, a huge part of the second half of this book focuses on how the queer community came together to help each other, highlighting how, even in the midst of an incredibly devasting time where their loved ones were dying left and right, there was a strong community of people helping each other and supporting each other. While John and Tim are dealing with their sickness and, later, Tim is dealing with John’s family’s attempt at erasing him completely from John’s life, there is still a strong, loving support system that allows them to stay as strong as they can, which almost feels like a rebellion in itself.
“I guess the hardest thing is having so much love for you and it somehow not being returned. I develop crushes all the time but that is just misdirected need for you. You are a hole in my life, a black hole. Anything I place there cannot be returned. I miss you terribly.”
This book was finished ten days before Tim Conigrave died of an AIDS-related illness and was published posthumously. While I do not know if I believe in an afterlife, I hope John and Tim’s spirits are somewhere happy together, despite the attempts at erasure of their relationship.
“Ci vedromo lassù, angelo.”
4/5
A devastating yet beautiful story of being gay in Australia from the seventies through the nineties, “Holding the Man is the nonfiction story of the Timothy Conigrave’s life as a gay man, from his sexual awakening to battling HIV and then AIDS with his partner, John Caleo, and their friends. While there is sorrow in the diagnosis, it is accompanied by the juxtaposition of the joy that Tim finds being an out gay man, in spite of his mum’s warning that, if he didn’t grow out of being gay he would live a ‘very sad, lonely life.’
“He smiled and whispered, ‘I wish you were a girl.’ I wasn’t sure what he meant but said I wished he was a girl too.”
While I’d say the bulk of this book has to do with John, a lot of it also has to do with both of their families and the support and love they found in their friends. Every place there was hatred and an attempt at pulling John and Tim apart from their families (especially John’s), their friends, even in the beginning, were loving and supporting, always finding ways to help them see each other and accepting them for who they are. There is a really big part of this where you can feel Tim fighting back against his mother’s notion that being gay is lonely and, almost always, proving her wrong. This helped a lot with keeping a lighter tone for the majority of the book, but sometimes John’s catholic parents would win, like when his mother told him that if he wanted her to tell people that he was in the hospital for an AIDS-related cancer then she wouldn’t be his mother anymore, or when John’s father tries his very hardest to complete erase the fact that John and Tim were in a fifteen-year relationship that was a marriage in everything but name. But even then, when John’s father is taking so much from them legally, their friends are there to find small ways to fight. There is sorrow in the times that they were born, but there is also light and Tim is set on making sure that people who read this know that.
“He places the towel around my waist and pulls me toward him. ‘Your strength is in this.’ He places his mouth on mine and I am charged. I am strong, I am a man. We sink into the water. I am cocooned. I am whole.”
Throughout the entire book, Tim is very explicit with his attraction and exploits, which is not my preference, but I don’t mind too much as I again kind of found it to be a type of rebellion to be able to openly talk about it in a published book. While I really appreciate the brutal self-reflection, there are (many) times where Tim is unfaithful to John and it can be a bit hard to read about at times. The vulnerability for him to show his audience all of him is commendable though.
“Over our group of friends lay a pall of fear. Discussions would revolve around the latest theory or rumor. ‘We’re going to know people who will die from this.’ ”
Before their symptoms get too bad, Tim is an active member in a theater community to raise awareness for HIV/AIDS and works at the AIDS Hotline once he is diagnosed. With the play, there is a need from the gay community to “reclaim an issue that had been hijacked by the media” as their community begins to notice how much information being told about AIDS is both not told by people who have AIDS nor are gay people at the forefront of talking about it in the media. Instead of education, there is fear and the wondering if anyone cares because it feels like nothing is being done because of the community it is most affecting. This is another place where Conigrave mixes a devasting reality with the hope and joy of community banding together to help each other in any way they can. It is devasting, but they don’t give up hope.
“ ‘I don’t think we realized what we were dealing with. I believed that all we needed was a positive attitude, and everything would turn out right. What a way to find out we were wrong.’ ”
“I have AIDS. I’m not afraid of dying but I don’t want to be in pain. I want as much time as I can get. What’s that? Six months? Three years? Will I ever see my play produced? Everything needs to be reassessed now. I have AIDS. What will the boys in the project think? What will my friends think? I don’t want them to be scared of me or the fact that I’m dying. Am I dying? I don’t know. I don’t think so.”
Conigrave doesn’t shy away from the sometimes-nauseating details of living with and being the caretaker of someone with HIV, and later AIDS. This is the first book I have read on the disease and, while I knew how terrible it was at a distance, it felt important to see the inner workings of it up close and how much ruin it left in its wake. While there is devastation, a huge part of the second half of this book focuses on how the queer community came together to help each other, highlighting how, even in the midst of an incredibly devasting time where their loved ones were dying left and right, there was a strong community of people helping each other and supporting each other. While John and Tim are dealing with their sickness and, later, Tim is dealing with John’s family’s attempt at erasing him completely from John’s life, there is still a strong, loving support system that allows them to stay as strong as they can, which almost feels like a rebellion in itself.
“I guess the hardest thing is having so much love for you and it somehow not being returned. I develop crushes all the time but that is just misdirected need for you. You are a hole in my life, a black hole. Anything I place there cannot be returned. I miss you terribly.”
This book was finished ten days before Tim Conigrave died of an AIDS-related illness and was published posthumously. While I do not know if I believe in an afterlife, I hope John and Tim’s spirits are somewhere happy together, despite the attempts at erasure of their relationship.
“Ci vedromo lassù, angelo.”
4/5
June 15, 2013
Is it possible to grieve for someone you never met, someone whose existence you were not even aware of and whose death many years ago passed you by? Since I finished Holding The Man by Timothy Conigrave yesterday, thoughts of Tim and John have filled my head, thoughts of their love for each other and thoughts of their short lives. The wart-and-all description of their relationship has brought me closer to starting to understand the devastating consequences of living with AIDS, the physical and psychological suffering inflicted on all these men, women and children whose HIV positive status meant death. Beautiful, beautiful story of two very courageous men.
June 3, 2013
I had never heard of this book or of Tim Conigrave before having a random browse of the Popular Penguins in my local book store. On reading the blurb, I thought it would be interesting and purchased it.
That random moment turned out to be the best literary decision I've ever made. Simply put, this was the most devastatingly beautiful piece of writing I've ever had the pleasure of reading. Many times I caught myself thinking: "Man, I wish had known these guys."
This isn't a book about being gay, or having HIV/AIDS, although they are prominent and ultimately the main themes. This is about an everyday human relationship, with all of the highs and lows we all experience.
I do wonder though (considering the fact that Conigrave finished this after John passed away) if he didn't paint John in more of a forgiving light, at the same time as portraying himself as selfish and sometimes cruel. I found Tim to be quite unlikeable at times, whereas John seemed to be forgiving and gentle. Maybe Conigrave's grief tinged the character of John, and his guilt made him harder on himself.
The literary gift of this young man was astounding. The world has lost an insightful, no-holds-barred, bare bones author in Timothy Conigrave.
That random moment turned out to be the best literary decision I've ever made. Simply put, this was the most devastatingly beautiful piece of writing I've ever had the pleasure of reading. Many times I caught myself thinking: "Man, I wish had known these guys."
This isn't a book about being gay, or having HIV/AIDS, although they are prominent and ultimately the main themes. This is about an everyday human relationship, with all of the highs and lows we all experience.
I do wonder though (considering the fact that Conigrave finished this after John passed away) if he didn't paint John in more of a forgiving light, at the same time as portraying himself as selfish and sometimes cruel. I found Tim to be quite unlikeable at times, whereas John seemed to be forgiving and gentle. Maybe Conigrave's grief tinged the character of John, and his guilt made him harder on himself.
The literary gift of this young man was astounding. The world has lost an insightful, no-holds-barred, bare bones author in Timothy Conigrave.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 15, 2017
I am glad I read this book- it is political and ought to be read. It starts of somewhat piecemeal and every time you start to get into what you think is "the story" it is a disjointed fragment leading nowhere, simply I guess building up the picture that Tim really is gay, and also that all around him are temptations, that a lot of males who are "not gay" like to experiment with gay sex. Slowly, over the chapters some of the fragments start to run together or reference each other and it turns into what in some ways is Timothy's love-story centred on his more-than-a-decade lover John. John seems sweet and good and beautiful through Tim's eyes though maybe at times a touch boring and often frustratingly a doormat for the hedonistic and almost at times narcissistic Tim.
I was torn here between great admiration for the author's honesty in how he portrayed himself and a distaste for reading all the ways that Tim sabotaged his marriage (well it was as good as a marriage) and the long-suffering John always took him back no matter what, John was a model for perfect and unconditional love which would be the sweetness in the middle of the story except (and I hope this is not a spoiler) the HIV thing?
The needless details in the book (what song was playing, what they had for dinner, how sensual the lips of the (female) doctor looked) mean that either the author had a truly remarkable memory for mundane things OR he journalled way too much (even compared to me) OR he made up all the details which is well done but a little pointless. They add little apart from more to read. The book is not long (the love story itself is whirlwind especially if you consider all the breaks and time apart and affairs and stuff. I would have liked any point in the book where I felt there was sweet happiness between Tim and John- either before OR even after the crisis. But they seemed to go from conflict to seperation with just awkward bits of sex scenes between.
I don't have a problem with m/m sex, and I dont even really have a problem with the unrelatable (to me) way it is portrayed in the book, a matter of fucking rather than sensuous connecting it seemed- but it seems like a stereotype. I couldn't like the hedonism of Tim. I couldn't keep straight (didn't meant the pun) all the myriad characters in the book. Suddenly someone called Lois comes in who is clearly very significant to the plot (for example) and I have no idea who she is. It;s like that awkward moment in a friendship when you are transitioning to close friends who know stuff about each other but you havent yet really worked out the "who's who" of the people your friend talks about.
But of course the difference between an author and a friend (well one of many differences is that you can't just ask them who that is or what they meant.
So by all means read it, I am glad I did and it was worthwhile. Despite myself I enjoyed bits of it. I wish John and Tim's story had had less suffering and I was angry at the prejudiced characters. To me however it was neither a great novel, nor a sweet or empowering one. It was not really even a tragedy in the proper sense (from John's point of view I suspect it would have been). It was a true story and I think fairly honestly depicted.
I was torn here between great admiration for the author's honesty in how he portrayed himself and a distaste for reading all the ways that Tim sabotaged his marriage (well it was as good as a marriage) and the long-suffering John always took him back no matter what, John was a model for perfect and unconditional love which would be the sweetness in the middle of the story except (and I hope this is not a spoiler) the HIV thing?
The needless details in the book (what song was playing, what they had for dinner, how sensual the lips of the (female) doctor looked) mean that either the author had a truly remarkable memory for mundane things OR he journalled way too much (even compared to me) OR he made up all the details which is well done but a little pointless. They add little apart from more to read. The book is not long (the love story itself is whirlwind especially if you consider all the breaks and time apart and affairs and stuff. I would have liked any point in the book where I felt there was sweet happiness between Tim and John- either before OR even after the crisis. But they seemed to go from conflict to seperation with just awkward bits of sex scenes between.
I don't have a problem with m/m sex, and I dont even really have a problem with the unrelatable (to me) way it is portrayed in the book, a matter of fucking rather than sensuous connecting it seemed- but it seems like a stereotype. I couldn't like the hedonism of Tim. I couldn't keep straight (didn't meant the pun) all the myriad characters in the book. Suddenly someone called Lois comes in who is clearly very significant to the plot (for example) and I have no idea who she is. It;s like that awkward moment in a friendship when you are transitioning to close friends who know stuff about each other but you havent yet really worked out the "who's who" of the people your friend talks about.
But of course the difference between an author and a friend (well one of many differences is that you can't just ask them who that is or what they meant.
So by all means read it, I am glad I did and it was worthwhile. Despite myself I enjoyed bits of it. I wish John and Tim's story had had less suffering and I was angry at the prejudiced characters. To me however it was neither a great novel, nor a sweet or empowering one. It was not really even a tragedy in the proper sense (from John's point of view I suspect it would have been). It was a true story and I think fairly honestly depicted.
August 29, 2012
The best description I've heard of this book is how Peter Blazey described it when it was released: it's so popular because it's gay Mills & Boon.
It's a memoir that reads like fiction, telling the love story of Tim Conigrave and John Caleo who meet in high school and remain lovers for life. It's also a story of love in the time of AIDS - a time not past, even though people are living longer with the new treatments available.
Apart from the powerful story, what makes this book work is the playwright Tim's ability to write authentic dialogue that propels you from one scene to the next. The prose is so simple, almost sparse, yet it packs an emotional wallop that you'll need whole boxes of tissues to clean up.
It's a book that's perhaps more relevant now than when it was first published -- it gives a warts-and-all view of a long-term gay relationship and unintentionally makes a compelling case for same-sex marriage.
It's a memoir that reads like fiction, telling the love story of Tim Conigrave and John Caleo who meet in high school and remain lovers for life. It's also a story of love in the time of AIDS - a time not past, even though people are living longer with the new treatments available.
Apart from the powerful story, what makes this book work is the playwright Tim's ability to write authentic dialogue that propels you from one scene to the next. The prose is so simple, almost sparse, yet it packs an emotional wallop that you'll need whole boxes of tissues to clean up.
It's a book that's perhaps more relevant now than when it was first published -- it gives a warts-and-all view of a long-term gay relationship and unintentionally makes a compelling case for same-sex marriage.
July 19, 2016
I think I've been crying for an hour straight. There's no way I can give any kind of insight right now because I'm a mess. I'll try and have some coherent thoughts up soon.
May 6, 2016
I. am. destroyed.
This is one of these can't put it down kind of books. I read it almost in one sitting, and seriously, what a marvelous and incredible piece of reality. As one may have guessed from the summary for this, it tells the tale of Tim and John (through Tim's eyes) growing up as gay boys in catholic school, dealing with the AIDS surge in the 80's and its consequences. Saddest part is that this is a memoir, based on true facts. Breaks my heart in tiny little pieces.
I'm a sucker for any story that gives me insight into the problem our community faced in the 80's with AIDS and the government barely acknowledging. In a way, this reminded me of The Normal Heart, stripped of its politic overtone. The focus here is in the romance, and, sincerely, how real and vivid the story translates as you keep reading it.
Tim's struggles growing up as a gay boy does remind me of mines, and even when he's being a selfish prick, you're able to relate to him. John is just one of those perfect kind of guys that we've all known and treated with less respect, love than they deserved. This was such a sincere and real love story, it reminded me of my personal life.
GUUUH, I can't stop going over and over everything, how real this felt. It's as if someone took a part of my soul and painted it throughout this whole book, as if I saw a lot of my life reflected on these pages. The coming out, the feeling of inexperience, having found the love of your life at such an early age, struggles with parents.
Most importantly, though, I can't stop feeling as if much of the life I live now and the joys and tranquility I get out of being gay is owed to what the community went through in the 80's. What they faced and their struggle to overcome and be shown that their lives does matter. Honestly, as far as gay novels goes, this one is definitely one of my favorites.
This is one of these can't put it down kind of books. I read it almost in one sitting, and seriously, what a marvelous and incredible piece of reality. As one may have guessed from the summary for this, it tells the tale of Tim and John (through Tim's eyes) growing up as gay boys in catholic school, dealing with the AIDS surge in the 80's and its consequences. Saddest part is that this is a memoir, based on true facts. Breaks my heart in tiny little pieces.
I'm a sucker for any story that gives me insight into the problem our community faced in the 80's with AIDS and the government barely acknowledging. In a way, this reminded me of The Normal Heart, stripped of its politic overtone. The focus here is in the romance, and, sincerely, how real and vivid the story translates as you keep reading it.
Tim's struggles growing up as a gay boy does remind me of mines, and even when he's being a selfish prick, you're able to relate to him. John is just one of those perfect kind of guys that we've all known and treated with less respect, love than they deserved. This was such a sincere and real love story, it reminded me of my personal life.
GUUUH, I can't stop going over and over everything, how real this felt. It's as if someone took a part of my soul and painted it throughout this whole book, as if I saw a lot of my life reflected on these pages. The coming out, the feeling of inexperience, having found the love of your life at such an early age, struggles with parents.
Most importantly, though, I can't stop feeling as if much of the life I live now and the joys and tranquility I get out of being gay is owed to what the community went through in the 80's. What they faced and their struggle to overcome and be shown that their lives does matter. Honestly, as far as gay novels goes, this one is definitely one of my favorites.
March 4, 2017
How did I miss this one for so long?
For those of us who came of age in the 70s and came out in the 80s and spent much of the 90s burying our friends and lovers, it's an autobiographical story that will feel like our own. There but for the grace of protease inhibitors go I. So it moved me because it told the story I lived. It's not an easy story, nor is it an easy book but many of issues that Timothy Conigrave wrote about were those we wrestled with but couldn't quite express as eloquently.
It does need a careful reading, however. Tim Conigrave is writing a version of his own life, and as any autobiographical work will do, there are themes (I'm thinking of guilt, here) which he hadn't entirely sorted out. He's working toward it, certainly, but none of us can be truly objective about our own lives and how they intertwine with those we love. Those who have had similar experiences with growing up gay and living with AIDS can, I think, read a bit between the lines to see where he was going with this. Younger readers, or those with a different experience of the time, might, I think need to work a bit harder. Still, the book captures, I think, the tremendous innocence that was shattered by AIDS, and the huge loss we still feel for having lost so many remarkable people - people like John and Tim.
For those of us who came of age in the 70s and came out in the 80s and spent much of the 90s burying our friends and lovers, it's an autobiographical story that will feel like our own. There but for the grace of protease inhibitors go I. So it moved me because it told the story I lived. It's not an easy story, nor is it an easy book but many of issues that Timothy Conigrave wrote about were those we wrestled with but couldn't quite express as eloquently.
It does need a careful reading, however. Tim Conigrave is writing a version of his own life, and as any autobiographical work will do, there are themes (I'm thinking of guilt, here) which he hadn't entirely sorted out. He's working toward it, certainly, but none of us can be truly objective about our own lives and how they intertwine with those we love. Those who have had similar experiences with growing up gay and living with AIDS can, I think, read a bit between the lines to see where he was going with this. Younger readers, or those with a different experience of the time, might, I think need to work a bit harder. Still, the book captures, I think, the tremendous innocence that was shattered by AIDS, and the huge loss we still feel for having lost so many remarkable people - people like John and Tim.
August 11, 2025
--ugly cry warning--
great book, love me some gayboys but lordy its full on. tone came across as a list of facts, which drove home the reality of everything especially at the end. filled with unflamboyant and often unflattering self-descriptions of the author, which was honestly incredibly moving.
very australian which was fun, sometimes didnt quite understand what was going on though.
heartwrenching, reminded me heaps of the play too (but less funny)
great book, love me some gayboys but lordy its full on. tone came across as a list of facts, which drove home the reality of everything especially at the end. filled with unflamboyant and often unflattering self-descriptions of the author, which was honestly incredibly moving.
very australian which was fun, sometimes didnt quite understand what was going on though.
heartwrenching, reminded me heaps of the play too (but less funny)
May 12, 2017
So awhile back my friend David was in town. As we always do, we hung out on my couch eating Chinese take out, drinking wine, playing zombie video games, and watching a GLBT movie. The movie HOLDING THE MAN had literally come out at my library that day, and after it hadn't moved on the wall I checked it out, thinking this was great luck! Look at how happy the two men on the cover are! It's said to be super romantic! I showed it to him and he said 'This isn't going to be a sad movie, is it?', and I said 'No how could it be?! Look how happy they are!' When the movie started in the 1970s his head snapped to me and he said "IS THIS GOING TO BE A MOVIE ABOUT AIDS?!", and I said "IT COULDN"T POSSIBLY BE STOP BEING SO NEGATIVE!"...... And then it was definitely about a gay couple who are both diagnosed with HIV. We watched it, and sobbed deeply. But I loved it. I couldn't find the book it was based on until recently, and I finally, FINALLY, read HOLDING THE MAN by Timothy Conigrave. And I sobbed deeply again.
Tim Conigrave met John when they were teenagers at Catholic school. They fell into a deep and intense love affair, despite how their families didn't approve and despite separations, infidelities, and other challenges. But then both Tim and John were diagnosed with HIV, and their love story became a story of trying to survive in the face of impending death.
Conigrave tells a beautiful and tragic story about him and his longtime lover and true love John. It's not only a story of their relationship, but also a story of coming of age, coming out, and trying to survive in a society that doesn't see you as equal and doesn't seem to care when you are dying. Tim and John's relationship is very relateable in it's ups and downs, and how devoted they are to each other even when they are facing the usual relationship struggles. While this story is certainly very sad as Tim watches John become sicker and sicker (and as he himself becomes sicker and sicker), there is also a lot of humor and charm and hope. And like the movie I basically spent the last third of it just weeping openly, so loudly my cat left my room after shooting me a look of disgust. This is such a wonderful and heartbreaking but touching memoir, and I hope that American audiences find it and read it. Conigrave passed away shortly after he had finished it, so the sense of resignation is kind of present. But the love he has for John is so palpable and so resonant that ultimately that is the feeling that comes through the most.
I loved HOLDING THE MAN. It was so lovely and emotional and important. Read it read it read it.
Tim Conigrave met John when they were teenagers at Catholic school. They fell into a deep and intense love affair, despite how their families didn't approve and despite separations, infidelities, and other challenges. But then both Tim and John were diagnosed with HIV, and their love story became a story of trying to survive in the face of impending death.
Conigrave tells a beautiful and tragic story about him and his longtime lover and true love John. It's not only a story of their relationship, but also a story of coming of age, coming out, and trying to survive in a society that doesn't see you as equal and doesn't seem to care when you are dying. Tim and John's relationship is very relateable in it's ups and downs, and how devoted they are to each other even when they are facing the usual relationship struggles. While this story is certainly very sad as Tim watches John become sicker and sicker (and as he himself becomes sicker and sicker), there is also a lot of humor and charm and hope. And like the movie I basically spent the last third of it just weeping openly, so loudly my cat left my room after shooting me a look of disgust. This is such a wonderful and heartbreaking but touching memoir, and I hope that American audiences find it and read it. Conigrave passed away shortly after he had finished it, so the sense of resignation is kind of present. But the love he has for John is so palpable and so resonant that ultimately that is the feeling that comes through the most.
I loved HOLDING THE MAN. It was so lovely and emotional and important. Read it read it read it.
November 22, 2023
well that was upsetting! but also a wonderful account of gay life: brave, joyous, devastating and uplifting.
there was a single moment where ‘holding the man’ came into perfect focus for me. where the blend writing style (terse, witty, direct) and subject matter began to compliment the other, and finally make sense. 100 pages in, i turned to ‘about the author’ and learned that conigrave passed before publication at age 34. suddenly, his perspective made sense. these events are fresh and raw - conigrave’s lack of insightful reflection (something i was expecting) - is a symptom of his shortened lifespan. it also reflects the kind of person we understand tim to be: confident, charismatic and stubborn. entirely unrepentant. which becomes very annoying in regards to infidelity or any kind of harmful action he takes, which he (and John) shrug off.
healing from this emotional damage may prove challenging!
there was a single moment where ‘holding the man’ came into perfect focus for me. where the blend writing style (terse, witty, direct) and subject matter began to compliment the other, and finally make sense. 100 pages in, i turned to ‘about the author’ and learned that conigrave passed before publication at age 34. suddenly, his perspective made sense. these events are fresh and raw - conigrave’s lack of insightful reflection (something i was expecting) - is a symptom of his shortened lifespan. it also reflects the kind of person we understand tim to be: confident, charismatic and stubborn. entirely unrepentant. which becomes very annoying in regards to infidelity or any kind of harmful action he takes, which he (and John) shrug off.
healing from this emotional damage may prove challenging!
August 19, 2021
I fell in love with Tim and John. This book is an unflinching and tender account of their relationship. I’m so moved. Its such an honest story of longing and love / dying and death, I’ve never read anything like it
It’s also very funny and it was a real delight to read about Melbourne and Sydney in the 80s and 90s, I could really picture it
It’s also very funny and it was a real delight to read about Melbourne and Sydney in the 80s and 90s, I could really picture it
Read
November 14, 2014I feel bad for abandoning this, but I don't like the writing style and the story is just not grabbing me. Maybe another time I'll revisit this. For now, it's going back to the library.
No rating, as I read just 50 pages.
No rating, as I read just 50 pages.
June 27, 2025
I felt seen in Conigrave's early life. The raw sexuality made me blush with desire and shame as I remembered my best and worst moments as a teenager.
As he and his lover declined during the AIDS epidemic, I had to keep reminding myself that this was less than thirty years ago. I had to remind myself that if they were still alive, he would be younger than my dad.
Conigrave's faith, politics, and family all fall into the background. The dominance of his relationship with John makes sense in the context of his partner's death, but also serves as a painful reminder that being gay can consume your life.
As he and his lover declined during the AIDS epidemic, I had to keep reminding myself that this was less than thirty years ago. I had to remind myself that if they were still alive, he would be younger than my dad.
Conigrave's faith, politics, and family all fall into the background. The dominance of his relationship with John makes sense in the context of his partner's death, but also serves as a painful reminder that being gay can consume your life.
August 18, 2015
4 stars
It has been awhile between books, and especially since I've had a book I couldn't put down. Had work not got in the way this would have been a one sitting read.
This book centres around Tim, a young boy who falls for the captain of the footy team at his exclusive private boys school. We see Tim navigate adolescence, experience what life has to offer (and then some) and see him through some very tough experiences.
Tim's story, and ultimatley his and John's story has you on a rollercoaster of emotions. Through Tim's eyes you experience their ups and downs as they try to navigate growing up, coming to terms with their sexuality, and living in a world that is experiencing so much unknown, and their own inner worlds that perhaps do not accept their choices.
Reading a book that was from your home town is always enjoyable. When you know the places and spend time in the places that Tim did it really makes it easy to engross yourself in the world of the book. References to places like Glenferrie (10 minutes from home), Warburton (Been camping there last year), Venus bay (twice yearly holiday destination) and Melbourne (best city ever, no bias...) made me smile as there are not many books I've found that centre so much in my State, towns. I also loved the reference so a long discontinued Australian chocolate bar, I agree with Tim on this point, I too would have killed for a Pollywaffle.
I struggled alot with Tim's character. For all the goodness he did working in the community, helping others, and the strong bonds he built throughout his life, he did have a major character flaw. Tim's selfishness shone through so much of this story, and as it is autobiographical I found it was quite brave for Tim to share these traits. Points in the book I just wanted to shake him and have him listen to the words he was saying. In some moments he acknowledged his behaviours, and you hoped it was the turning point, however sadly his bad behaviours seemed to be so ingrained.
As the story moves on we see Tim facing a new struggle . As the book is from Tim's perspective we can't begin to assume what others are thinking, however he is still coming off as quite self-centred. .
Although the ending wasn't what I hoped for I'm grateful story's like Tim's were told and for the progressions in health and science, and more so public education. They may have had a tumultuous relationship, however I'm grateful Tim and John had each other in the end.
Play, smile, think of me.
Now to await the movie release, and see how true to life the movie is. I for one will be taking tissues to the screening.
It has been awhile between books, and especially since I've had a book I couldn't put down. Had work not got in the way this would have been a one sitting read.
This book centres around Tim, a young boy who falls for the captain of the footy team at his exclusive private boys school. We see Tim navigate adolescence, experience what life has to offer (and then some) and see him through some very tough experiences.
Tim's story, and ultimatley his and John's story has you on a rollercoaster of emotions. Through Tim's eyes you experience their ups and downs as they try to navigate growing up, coming to terms with their sexuality, and living in a world that is experiencing so much unknown, and their own inner worlds that perhaps do not accept their choices.
Reading a book that was from your home town is always enjoyable. When you know the places and spend time in the places that Tim did it really makes it easy to engross yourself in the world of the book. References to places like Glenferrie (10 minutes from home), Warburton (Been camping there last year), Venus bay (twice yearly holiday destination) and Melbourne (best city ever, no bias...) made me smile as there are not many books I've found that centre so much in my State, towns. I also loved the reference so a long discontinued Australian chocolate bar, I agree with Tim on this point, I too would have killed for a Pollywaffle.
I struggled alot with Tim's character. For all the goodness he did working in the community, helping others, and the strong bonds he built throughout his life, he did have a major character flaw. Tim's selfishness shone through so much of this story, and as it is autobiographical I found it was quite brave for Tim to share these traits. Points in the book I just wanted to shake him and have him listen to the words he was saying. In some moments he acknowledged his behaviours, and you hoped it was the turning point, however sadly his bad behaviours seemed to be so ingrained.
As the story moves on we see Tim facing a new struggle . As the book is from Tim's perspective we can't begin to assume what others are thinking, however he is still coming off as quite self-centred. .
Although the ending wasn't what I hoped for I'm grateful story's like Tim's were told and for the progressions in health and science, and more so public education. They may have had a tumultuous relationship, however I'm grateful Tim and John had each other in the end.
Play, smile, think of me.
Now to await the movie release, and see how true to life the movie is. I for one will be taking tissues to the screening.
September 10, 2022
Rating: 5/5 stars
"We were two suns, exchanging atmospheres, drawn into each other, spiraling into one another."
I'm a mess. Been a while since I last cried this hard. The fact that this is an autobiography made it worse! And the author died 10 days after finishing this book. That, and the letter to John as the epilogue - oh my god. *sobs* My heart goes to Tim and John's family and friends.
There’s a new star in the sky tonight
And that star is my lover John.
He died after a fight for life,
A fight he could not have won.
In these early days of mourning,
When the glare of the sun is too bright,
And the sound of children pains me,
I love by the cool of the night.
Anyway, this book is a memoir that reads like a fiction. And I hate myself for taking so long to discover this tragic love story. A powerful book about love, forgiveness and acceptance. It must be hard to live knowing you're the cause for your partner's death. The GUILT. But it's so hard then knowing HIV/AIDS was still unknown in the 70s- so they had no idea about the risks it carried. Nonetheless, it is still highly relevant read today if we're talking about HIV/AIDS and also homophobia.
A must read for all.
"We were two suns, exchanging atmospheres, drawn into each other, spiraling into one another."
I'm a mess. Been a while since I last cried this hard. The fact that this is an autobiography made it worse! And the author died 10 days after finishing this book. That, and the letter to John as the epilogue - oh my god. *sobs* My heart goes to Tim and John's family and friends.
There’s a new star in the sky tonight
And that star is my lover John.
He died after a fight for life,
A fight he could not have won.
In these early days of mourning,
When the glare of the sun is too bright,
And the sound of children pains me,
I love by the cool of the night.
Anyway, this book is a memoir that reads like a fiction. And I hate myself for taking so long to discover this tragic love story. A powerful book about love, forgiveness and acceptance. It must be hard to live knowing you're the cause for your partner's death. The GUILT. But it's so hard then knowing HIV/AIDS was still unknown in the 70s- so they had no idea about the risks it carried. Nonetheless, it is still highly relevant read today if we're talking about HIV/AIDS and also homophobia.
A must read for all.
July 21, 2008
I think this book was alright. It was a very nice story and an entertaining read, but I couldn't get over how much I disliked Tim. I give him credit for writing himself as I'm sure he was, and had I been in that situation I would have been different, but overall I thought he was just sort of a bad person. I also went into this book with very high expectations because I had read some very good reviews, and perhaps as a result I was let down. I'm also remarkably unemotional, so going into it expecting to cry and not crying was sort of a letdown. But it was an entertaining read that I had a hard time putting down.
February 27, 2025
Widely known as a gay classic in Australia, this is such a thorough memoir in its documentation of a boy growing up gay, fighting that classic fight—known only to us that were born to it—then falling in love and, in turn, fighting a more universal fight, known to all who have loved or been loved. And finally, the memoir lands with heartbreaking reality as it documents the final fight, in this instance brought about by AIDS, and the bravery of the author and his lover in fighting it.
Definitely got me in my emotions in its frank, unembellished narration of a life well-lived.
Definitely got me in my emotions in its frank, unembellished narration of a life well-lived.
November 22, 2017
"We were two suns, exchanging atmospheres, drawn into each other, spiraling into one another."
I loved this book. I loved it so much. I had some issues with it, of course, but they all are blown away by that epilogue.
The ending had me in tears, right from chapter eleven to the end. I had problems swallowing but IT. WAS. WORTH IT.
The book has lots of topics that even nowadays keep happening as is homophobia and AIDS. It was refreshing reading about it, like I needed it without knowing.
The worst thing of all is to know that this story happened, that this is true, that this could happen to anyone. I usually don't read this kind of books because of that but this time I don't regret picking it up.
First I would say that I didn't like Tim. He was so selfish sometimes, he didn't deserve John (talking in past since the author is already dead). Also the narration was bad sometimes like we would be in this scene with this characters and then all of a sudden we are in a different scene with different characters and that drove me crazy for I felt I didn't got to know much of the characters.
I don't want to talk about John for obvious reasons, just going to say that I want one in my life. I won't accept any guy unless he is at least named John.
As I already wrote, I can't get into much depth about other characters for they all are the same to me, I never felt I knew this character or that and sometimes I would thing this thing had happened with this character but In truth it happened with that other one. All their friends were the same to me but Pepe, she was a girl and it's funny because in Spain Pepe is a male name.
Although I can talk about John's father Bob. I hope he lives (or lived) the rest of his days unhappy.
Finally, I don't believe in God nor in an afterlife but if there is one (afterlife) I hope John and Tim are together and happy for they deserve it.
I think I wrote everything I wanted to say, if I left something out, I'll write it when I am better prepared since I literally just finished the book and still am graving.
Update: November 22nd 2017.
It’s been almost five months since I read this book for the first time and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I wish I could read this for the first time again.
I loved this book. I loved it so much. I had some issues with it, of course, but they all are blown away by that epilogue.
The ending had me in tears, right from chapter eleven to the end. I had problems swallowing but IT. WAS. WORTH IT.
The book has lots of topics that even nowadays keep happening as is homophobia and AIDS. It was refreshing reading about it, like I needed it without knowing.
The worst thing of all is to know that this story happened, that this is true, that this could happen to anyone. I usually don't read this kind of books because of that but this time I don't regret picking it up.
First I would say that I didn't like Tim. He was so selfish sometimes, he didn't deserve John (talking in past since the author is already dead). Also the narration was bad sometimes like we would be in this scene with this characters and then all of a sudden we are in a different scene with different characters and that drove me crazy for I felt I didn't got to know much of the characters.
I don't want to talk about John for obvious reasons, just going to say that I want one in my life. I won't accept any guy unless he is at least named John.
As I already wrote, I can't get into much depth about other characters for they all are the same to me, I never felt I knew this character or that and sometimes I would thing this thing had happened with this character but In truth it happened with that other one. All their friends were the same to me but Pepe, she was a girl and it's funny because in Spain Pepe is a male name.
Although I can talk about John's father Bob. I hope he lives (or lived) the rest of his days unhappy.
Finally, I don't believe in God nor in an afterlife but if there is one (afterlife) I hope John and Tim are together and happy for they deserve it.
I think I wrote everything I wanted to say, if I left something out, I'll write it when I am better prepared since I literally just finished the book and still am graving.
Update: November 22nd 2017.
It’s been almost five months since I read this book for the first time and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I wish I could read this for the first time again.
February 7, 2017
3.5, rounded down. I read this initially when it first came out (no pun intended!) over 20 years ago, but wanted to revisit it after having seen the very fine recent film adaptation. This is one of those rare instances where the movie might actually be a bit better than the book, since the book is very choppy, disjointed, and - to be polite - isn't quite up to speed prose style wise. Ironically, I found the first 200 pages to be the most interesting and affecting, with the final 100+ a bit of a slog once AIDS rears its ugly head; since there have been so many 'AIDS memoirs' both before and since, it doesn't really do anything to stand out from the crowded field (as do, say, Paul Monette's books - which still hold up remarkably) . My other problem is, though it purports to be this great love story, Tim is a bit of a shit throughout towards John, cheats on him and hurts his feelings relentlessly, so it's hard to root for such a selfish 'character'.
January 2, 2016
This book made me laugh and cry, it made me feel at home and it also broke my heart.
Conigrave's ability to move you through his adolescence and into his manhood is astounding and you feel as though you are right there beside him. You can feel both his love and his pain and I am yet to read a book that is as honest as this one. This book does not glamourise or hide the thoughts we keep to ourselves and it was so refreshing to have insight into the deepest and darkest thoughts of another human being. It was relatable, witty and a thoroughly heart wrenching read.
Holding the Man wrung me out and left me to dry all alone; I was sent through a full spectrum of emotion and was left heart broken but completely grateful of this book; it was a window into the basic human right that love should not be defined by our sexuality and also proved just how strong love can be.
Conigrave's ability to move you through his adolescence and into his manhood is astounding and you feel as though you are right there beside him. You can feel both his love and his pain and I am yet to read a book that is as honest as this one. This book does not glamourise or hide the thoughts we keep to ourselves and it was so refreshing to have insight into the deepest and darkest thoughts of another human being. It was relatable, witty and a thoroughly heart wrenching read.
Holding the Man wrung me out and left me to dry all alone; I was sent through a full spectrum of emotion and was left heart broken but completely grateful of this book; it was a window into the basic human right that love should not be defined by our sexuality and also proved just how strong love can be.
February 20, 2018
This was an exceptionally powerful book to read - and confronting in many ways. As you would expect if you read the blurb, this memoir journeys through some of the biggest challenges humankind must overcome (and sometimes fail to overcome): love, death, pain, denial, happiness and trust. Ultimately to review this book is to do it an injustice - it needs to be read. It needs to be read so that people understand the pain and stigma of AIDS in the 1980s and 1990s - the impact it had on those suffering and those left behind. Rarely does a book make me cry but this one did, however it also made me laugh. I won't surmise John and Tim's story here - in their memory please read this book.
June 27, 2022
Holding the Man is Tim Conigrave's memoir about his life as a homosexual, his 15-year long relationship with John, their battle with HIV/AIDS, and their eventual separation through death. Conigrave wrote simply and beautifully, his voice friendly. Tim and John were a sociable couple and a lot of friend's names were mentioned in the book, sometimes I lost track of it all. And this memoir felt like it was Tim reliving and telling his story to one of those friends.
I love how entirely specific Tim and John's story was, but also how universal it is. Tim's confusion, his crushes and desires, his and John's love for each other that was always present in spite of everything. These were intimately theirs, but it resonates to a common experience among queer men. And I thank Tim for giving this wonderful memoir.
Not much left to say. I'm still heartbroken over this and absolutely saddened. Although Tim and John had both passed away for years now, their story remains alive as an inspiration and as a reminder that this unconditional, romantic love between men not only exists, but is also valid and lasting. I'll be sure to think about the two of them and their story for a very long time.
“‘What did you learn from John?’
‘That you don't need to be concerned about what people think of you.’
‘Anything else?’
‘The value of unconditional love.’”
I love how entirely specific Tim and John's story was, but also how universal it is. Tim's confusion, his crushes and desires, his and John's love for each other that was always present in spite of everything. These were intimately theirs, but it resonates to a common experience among queer men. And I thank Tim for giving this wonderful memoir.
Not much left to say. I'm still heartbroken over this and absolutely saddened. Although Tim and John had both passed away for years now, their story remains alive as an inspiration and as a reminder that this unconditional, romantic love between men not only exists, but is also valid and lasting. I'll be sure to think about the two of them and their story for a very long time.
“‘What did you learn from John?’
‘That you don't need to be concerned about what people think of you.’
‘Anything else?’
‘The value of unconditional love.’”
April 26, 2023
I’ve never felt more moved by any other book.
I’ve read in the past few months a lot of queer, retrained, auto-fiction. You know the kinds of books written in fear of saying to much. Holding the Man feels like an antidote to that. It is honest, and it is raw.
Tim starts the book at such a young age so that as you follow to the end you feel as if you have watched a whole life before you. The closest thing I can compre it to is the movie Boyhood.
I feel awful about what happened to these boys- and the fact it all took place so close to home gave it a familiarity international books can’t produce.
I loved this book, and I think it will be one that lingers with me a lifetime.
I’ve read in the past few months a lot of queer, retrained, auto-fiction. You know the kinds of books written in fear of saying to much. Holding the Man feels like an antidote to that. It is honest, and it is raw.
Tim starts the book at such a young age so that as you follow to the end you feel as if you have watched a whole life before you. The closest thing I can compre it to is the movie Boyhood.
I feel awful about what happened to these boys- and the fact it all took place so close to home gave it a familiarity international books can’t produce.
I loved this book, and I think it will be one that lingers with me a lifetime.
November 30, 2022
A ruthlessly transparent memoir about Timothy Conigrave and his lover John Caleo. Together they fought through an insurmountable load, their love is what I seek. Forgiving, unconditional and true.
“Perhaps vertigo is not the fear of falling but the desire to jump?”
“Perhaps vertigo is not the fear of falling but the desire to jump?”
July 3, 2024
This book was quite phenomenal. Written with such open-ness and honesty. I think I loved it so much because it’s set in places I know and it baffled me thinking about how I would know many stories resembling this one if I had grown up in that time.
Recommend!
Recommend!
November 17, 2017
Trade Paperback - Penguin Classics. Non-fiction - LGBTQ. Found browsing best queer fiction lists and because of a film of the same name released in 2016.
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