Don't Bite the Hook: Finding Freedom from Anger, Resentment, and Other Destructive Emotions

by Pema Chödrön

Life has a way of provoking us with traffic jams and computer malfunctions, with emotionally distant partners and crying children—and before we know it, we're upset. We feel terrible, and then we end up saying and doing things that only make matters worse. But it doesn't have to be that way, says Pema Chödrön. It is possible to relate constructively to the inevitable shocks, losses, and frustrations of life so that we can find true happiness. The key, Pema explains, is not biting the "hook" of our habitual responses. In this recorded weekend retreat, Pema draws on Buddhist teachings from The Way of the Bodhisattva to reveal how we

   • stay centered in the midst of difficulty
   • improve stressful relationships
   • step out of the downward spiral of self-hatred
   • awaken compassion for ourselves and others

3 CDs, 3 hours

Genres: Self Help, Buddhism, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Spirituality, Psychology, Philosophy

3 pages, Audio CD

First published June 12, 2007

About the author

Ani Pema Chödrön (Deirdre Blomfield-Brown) is an American Buddhist nun in the Tibetan tradition, closely associated with the Kagyu school and the Shambhala lineage.

She attended Miss Porter's School in Connecticut and graduated from the University of California at Berkeley. She taught as an elementary school teacher for many years in both New Mexico and California. Pema has two children and three grandchildren.

While in her mid-thirties, she traveled to the French Alps and encountered Lama Chime Rinpoche, with whom she studied for several years. She became a novice nun in 1974 while studying with Lama Chime in London. His Holiness the Sixteenth Karmapa came to England at that time, and Ani Pema received her ordination from him.

Ani Pema first met her root guru, Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche, in 1972. Lama Chime encouraged her to work with Trungpa, and it was with him that she ultimately made her most profound connection, studying with him from 1974 until his death in 1987. At the request of the Sixteenth Karmapa, she received the full bikshuni ordination in the Chinese lineage of Buddhism in 1981 in Hong Kong.

Ani Pema served as the director of the Karma Dzong, in Boulder, CO, until moving in 1984 to rural Cape Breton, Nova Scotia to be the director of Gampo Abbey. Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche gave her explicit instructions on establishing this monastery for western monks and nuns.

Ani Pema currently teaches in the United States and Canada and plans for an increased amount of time in solitary retreat under the guidance of Venerable Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche.

Reviews

[Jon Nakapalau · Rating 5 out of 5]

Anger and resentment are 'hooks' that we bait ourselves...Pema Chödrön helps us see this; and stops us from biting a hook that will only lead to our destruction. Very accessible book on Buddhist psychology that will help you understand some of the 'hooks' that are out there - and how you can avoid them.

[Suze · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this audiobook! Pema Chodrin’s down-to-earth interpretation of ancient Buddhist teachings brings it right home to where we live. With engaging personality she suggests we train for huge adversity by practicing with little sufferings – traffic jams, mosquito bites, not getting the seat you wanted – without complaint or anger. Her humour shines through as she urges us to plant positive thoughts in negative situations … "May I and this bastard obtain enlightenment together". She asks, “Why get angry at people for their temporary relapse? That’s like getting angry at the sky for having clouds passing through it.” This one’s a keeper for me, to listen to over and over.

[Alex van Frank · Rating 5 out of 5]

I did the audio book in my car and she was a wonderful companion on difficult rides. I highly recommend this on audio. You'll find yourself throwing blessings at road ragers --and to tell the truth they are the ones who need it most!! ;)

[Shante Smalls · Rating 5 out of 5]

This changed and continues to change my life. Pema is able to transmit the dharmic teachings with power and gentleness. The audio CD is the best format to encounter this particular set of teachings.

[Donna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is Nonfiction written by a Buddhist. I've read one other book by her and loved it. I can say the same about this one. I'm not sure this was quite 5 stars, but the simple fact that I'd read this again, makes it 5 stars for me.

I listened to the audio and she has a a great voice and a great message. There was some repetition in this. While I noticed it, it didn't detract from the overall impact of her compassionate advice. I'm not sure how easy some of this would be to implement when battling negative emotion while in the heat of the moment, but this came across as practical and useful. So 5 stars.

[James Pritchert · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was my intoduction to Buddhist thought and theory. I found it quite interesting and relevant to my current life. As the extended title suggests the entire book is a lecture on acceptance presented by the author in a very interesting and matter of fact way. This may not be the book to finding relief from anger but is certainly is a useful stepping stone. It made me want to further explore the Buddhist realm and see if there more in it for me. After all, what do I have lose?

[Mike · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pena Chodron is the most accessible Buddhist I’ve ever encountered in my life. She’s funny, humble, self-effacing and admits how human/broken/unenlightened she is in a casual but hellishly insightful reading from an 8th century Indian spiritual notable.

Ever heard the Dalai Lama speak about buddhism? I tried it once, and after about ten minutes I gave up. The impression I was left with was he was a narrow-minded hardass about Buddhism - if you don’t look at it the One True Way, you’re wrong and you need to get straight. It was off-putting to say the least, and weird to think of this alongside his reputation as happy, playful and calm.

I never get that feeling when I hear Pena Chödrön speak. I always feel like she’s one of us, with some choice perspectives on how to steer slightly towards a happier life.

[Joan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent! As someone who sometimes suffers from repressed anger and resentment (don't we all?), I admittedly "bite the hook" far too often, especially when I am under stress. I really enjoyed listening to Pema Chodron's insights. Although I am not a Buddhist, I found that I could relate to her message. I plan to listen again and again so that I can more fully grasp all of the nuggets of wisdom. Highly recommended!

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

listened to after having bitten the hook hard

[Joseph Gufreda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pema Chödrön is so good at putting teachings in plain language. Hearing this in her own voice makes this a wonderful experience, filled with a warmth that can be difficult to bring across a written page. Her other books are tremendous as well, but this unique talk on Shantideva's teaching inspires and calms the mind.

[MaryJohanna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this audiobook! Pema Chodron teaches from an 8th century Shanti Deva poem on how not to "bite the hook" - breaking free of our habitualized responses to life's triggers for irritation, frustration and anger.

I'll listen to these lectures again and again - both to continue my practice and simply to hear Pema Chodron laugh.

[Janet · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pema simply rocks. Listened to this on CD for the second time; think the first was about 5 or 6 years ago. Got as much out of it this time as the last, if not more. No matter where you are on your journey, Pema offers clear and humorous advice about dealing with shenpa--the urge, the hook, that triggers our habitual tendency to close down.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed listening to Pema. I've been reading some books about Buddhism lately, and I have to admit, sometimes I'm distracted by all the words I don't know how to pronounce. You don't have that problem with the audio book. And, Pema is hilarious! Her humor really shines in this format. I plan to listen to this again before returning it.

[Robin Tobin (On the back porch reading) · Rating 5 out of 5]

The first audio I listen to of Pema.. Wow what a life changer...

[Andy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pema Chodron is my go-to person in terms of looking at how to deal less than positive emotions from a buddhist perspective. In DBTH she interprets ancient text into contemporary situations, encouraging the listener (its an audio book)*not* to take her word for it, or the words from hundreds of years ago, but to consider each point and explore its truths on one's own.

Chodron is funny and honestly I'm not sure who wouldn't find something of value here, unless you always handle anger, jealousy, resentment, etc, in a perfect fashion. One of the key points for me was (and always is when involving Buddhist discussion) - learn how to embrace change and not to have your feathers ruffled. There will always be things happening that you're not going to like, people wronging you, whatever the case may be..and you can run from that or get someone back twice as hard (my personal downfall :)...but the key to having a calmer, more open and rewarding existence is to look at those negative acts and wonder "how did that person get like that?"

Another important point was "facing the detox". Addressing long-used negative patterns is not at all easy. But just like a physical detox, it starts out pretty rough and only gets easier with time.

I felt like I wanted it to go further than it did, I think this is partially due to the fact that it is a recorded seminar so does not have the depth of a thoroughly discussed hard copy book.

[Tim · Rating 4 out of 5]

Chodron is an excellent Buddhist psychologist. Using the teachings of the great sage Chandrakirti as a starting point, she applies his teachings on anger to various real life situations. She takes ancient dharma and makes it very real for modern people. The hook she discusses is anger (aka frustration, irritation, dissatisfaction, resentment, et cetera - in the Buddhist view, these are all permutations of the basic emotion of anger.) And anger is very destructive - it ruins relationships, leads to all sorts of suffering, conflicts, wars; all these things can be traced back to anger. Anger can be addictive, it does feel good - briefly, at first - and then hooks us into a pervasive, negative frame of mind that makes our lives worse. Chodron is excellent at describing how this works, and how to guard against it.

[Don · Rating 4 out of 5]

when challenged ask and open vs spin-off and rework, justify anger, caught in self-importance, addictive undertow of anger and negative criticism, Buddha-main addition to me/myself/I, armor to not fear, evil is purposeful hatred to others, patience vs violent peace demonstrators, uncover your good heart and mind with courage and lack of fear, good bad neutral.

[Sonja · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent audiobook to listen to while cleaning up the hairball your cat horked up on your bed. All over your bed. It's also super great for backtracking a few chapters to repeat the section on strategies for working with anger in the moment when your cat barfs on your naked bed while you were in the next room trying to clean the duvet cover she previously despoiled.

[Ayesha Ali · Rating 5 out of 5]

Superb. Great practical advice and memorable examples on how to handle adversity. Highly recommended as a pre-Christmas reading/listening since Christmas can be a tense time when we are surrounded by loved ones and all the baggage that comes with that. Highly recommended.

[Carrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book I will definitely re-read. Tremendous insights into frustration and the ‘little angers’ that happen to everyone and how we can change our perspective and approach to dealing with them.

[Susan Black · Rating 5 out of 5]

audio book - listened to while creating new collage/mixed media pieces. So fantastic.
I feel like I should listen to it daily ...

[Lisa Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing and life-changing words. Can't believe I'm just now learning these truths...

[Frank]

Zero stars. Garbage. Fluffy woo-woo language that says nothing.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pema is so great at using humor to really look at yourself and how we let things get our goats lol
When you can laugh at your angry habits you are halfway there.The addiction to anger is really good to listen to and break the connection with .
It makes me feel powerful sometimes and when I see this is a habitual response and it’s universal I can let it go better .

[Peter · Rating 4 out of 5]

A wonderful book covering anger or any other emotional addiction. It's really about being able to find compassion for others in our worst moments, about having compassion for ourselves and beginning to see the world in terms of people in process instead of good vs bad.

[Matt · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a three hour lecture by the author focusing on how we can train our minds to grow comfortable with small, everyday sources of anger and frustration in order to develop patience to handle life’s larger challenges. Very much worth a listen—will be coming back to this one again!

[Patricia White · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gives much insight on dealing with anger and rage in everyday life.She shares her humanity, that she also needed to deal with the same issues in lif

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

So so good! I was bummed when it was over!

[Muhamed · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing, Pema Chodron is one of the best teachers of spirituality I have had the pleasure of listening to. She is genuine, knowledgeable, and very real.

[Lara · Rating 5 out of 5]

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