I Know My Own Heart: The Diaries, 1791-1840

by Anne Lister, Helena Whitbread (Editor)

Upon publication, the first volume of Anne Lister's diaries, I Know My Own Heart, met with celebration, delight, and some skepticism. How could an upper class Englishwoman, in the first half of the nineteenth century, fulfill her emotional and sexual needs when her sexual orientation was toward other women? How did an aristocratic lesbian manage to balance sexual fulfillment with social acceptability?
Helena Whitbread, the editor of these diaries, here allows us an inside look at the long-running love affair between Anne Lister and Marianna Lawton, an affair complicated by Anne's infatuation with Maria Barlow. Anne travels to Paris where she discovers a new love interest that conflicts with her developing social aspirations. For the first time, she begins to question the nature of her identity and the various roles female lovers may play in the life of a gentrywoman. Though unequipped with a lesbian vocabulary with which to describe her erotic life, her emotional conflicts are contemporary enough to speak to us all.
This book will satisfy the curiosity of the many who became acquainted with Lister through I Know My Own Heart and are eager to learn more about her revealing life and what it suggests about the history of sexuality.

Genres: Nonfiction, History, LGBT, Queer, Lesbian, Memoir, Biography

400 pages, Paperback

Published August 1, 1992

About the author

Anne Lister (1791–1840) was a well-off Yorkshire landowner, diarist and traveller. Throughout her life she kept diaries which chronicled the details of her everyday life, including her lesbian relationships, her financial concerns, her industrial activities and her work improving Shibden Hall. Her diaries contain more than 4,000,000 words and about a sixth of them—those concerning the intimate details of her romantic and sexual relationships—were written in code. The code, derived from a combination of algebra and Ancient Greek, was deciphered in the 1930s. Lister is often called "the first modern lesbian" for her clear self-knowledge and openly lesbian lifestyle. Called "Fred" by her lover and "Gentleman Jack" by Halifax residents, she suffered from harassment for her sexuality, and recognised her similarity to the Ladies of Llangollen, whom she visited.

Reviews

[CaseyTheCanadianLesbrarian · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Diaries of Anne Lister is definitely the oldest “lesbian” book I’ve read to date. I’m putting lesbian in quotation marks because what is actually the most fascinating things about the diary is how Anne Lister explores her attraction to women and her sexual identity in a time before sexuality was such a defining characteristic for our identities and before the word lesbian even existed with our contemporary understanding of it (if anyone as nerdy as me is wondering, “lesbian” was first used in 1890 as “female homosexual,” according to the Oxford English Dictionary—so it’s really a relatively new word!). Back to Anne Lister: she was an upper-class Englishwoman living in Halifax and Shibden Hall, West Yorkshire in the early 1800s who kept a very comprehensive diary of her life, a significant amount of which was written in a code that Lister herself had created....
see the rest of my review here: http://lesbrary.com/2012/04/20/casey-...

[maddie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I too hate social events

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Initially it seemed like this would be boring - it's a lot of "practice flute for half an hour. called on a friend. studied latin. went to bed at 10" - but there is quite a lot going on! I was actually shocked at some of it. I've always assumed same-sex relationships existed in history, but I suppose I imagined these upper class ladies being too timid to actually do much. Anne doesn't give explicit detail, but she makes it quite clear that she is sleeping with both M- and Tib, and at one point she suggests to her friend Miss Pickford (she made another lesbian friend! that surprised me too) that she "use a phallus".
I found that I didn't actually like Anne very much. She spends a lot of time dismissing everyone around her as stupid and vulgar. At one point she acquires an STD and then goes to bed with a friend and doesn't think to tell her. When she finds out she has infected her friend, she feels terrible but vows she will never reveal that it is her fault. Speaking of diseases, though, I was fascinated by all the medical treatments mentioned in the book. The number of times she mentions her teeth hurting, or her eye being tired, and leeches, really gave me an idea of what it was like physically to be alive in 1824. I felt sad that probably none of the treatments had any effect.
I was disappointed that the book ended before Anne began her relationship with Miss Ann Walker. I will check if there has been another volume published.

[Christine · Rating 2 out of 5]

*This is not the exact edition I read. My edition was 360 pages and only included 6 years of Anne's diary.

Actually, let's start off with that. Including the years of Anne's birth and death suggested (to me) that this book was going to include the entirety of her diaries. I heard about Anne Lister from an episode of the wonderful Stuff You Missed in History Class podcast, which referenced I Know My Own Heart and made me determined to include it in June's reviews honoring Pride month. Anne lived in early 1800's England, helping her aunt and uncle run Shibden Hall and assuming its management entirely after their deaths in the 1820s. She was well-educated, flirtatious, and sassy. Anne wrote frankly about being attracted exclusively to women - she doesn't use the word lesbian and I believe her diaries predate the inclusion of that word in the lexicon - and had many romantic and sexual relationships. In her later years she, and the lifelong companion she finally found, travelled extensively until Anne's death from fever at the foot of the Caucasian Mountains. The travel portion of her life especially piqued my interest. I was decidedly non-plussed to discover the edition I had borrowed ended before she was able to indulge her wanderlust. There's even a note saying the diaries from that part of her life "are beyond the scope of this book." BUT WHY? ARE YOU PUBLISHING A SEQUEL?? (Apparently not?) Furthermore, language has evolved somewhat since the 1800's. Anne's word choices and sentence structure are often baffling. There aren't really enough footnotes to make her writing completely accessible to a modern reader. Though Anne's handwriting is often unintelligible when she's not writing in code so I can only imagine what the editors went through to make even a small portion of her diaries readable. For which they have my gratitude. This was an interesting snap shot into the minutiae of an interesting woman's life, but if you are going to pick it up see if you can find a copy that includes a larger portion of her life and has more foot notes.

[Artnoose McMoose · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book represents a good chunk of the diaries of 19th century lesbian Anne Lister, recently made somewhat famous by the Gentleman Jack tv series. It is remarkable what Lister was able to do in an age when most women were not educated and homosexuality was frowned upon. Still, it is sad to read about how above all else, what Lister wanted was a life partner, and that was something that just wasn’t available to her.

Sometimes it’s hard for me to read diaries of this era because I don’t always understand the terminology or what is really going on. It is a glimpse into daily life of 19th century English landed gentry.

[thea h · Rating 4 out of 5]

all this woman does is be mean to people and make sure every sapphic on the continent has an std

[Teddy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Took me 3.5 yrs to read, but worth it! It's a primary source, so not super compelling in of itself, but I'm very very glad I read it.

[Amber Morrigan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Anne, we would’ve never got along but you’re all I’ve talked about for the past 3 weeks so thank you

[Lee]

Update: Finally done! I found Anne Lister from the show Gentleman Jack. I had to learn more about her, and found these books about her diaries (this is the first one). It is slow going . . . the language is period and hard to figure out sometimes. Also, she's an elitist classist snob of the worst sort. I hate how she treats people, including her love interests. That being said, the fact that she was a woman of independent means and a desire and interest for deep learning fascinates me. The only reason she was able to do this was because she came from an upper class family with the means to leave her wealth in the form of property and funds. Otherwise, she would have had to get married to a guy even if she didn't want to or live destitute like poor and lower class women of the period in that area.

[Nikki · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's about what you would expect out of reading a diary (which means that I know far more about her flute playing practice times than I really wanted to know). It's far more interesting than other historical diaries that I have read.

Such a fascinating woman. Things I thoroughly enjoyed:
-She talks so vividly about her love affairs.
-She bribed a librarian to let her borrow as many books as she liked.
-A lot of details that I wouldn't have expected about her life.

Dislikes: The organization of it is a little lacking (notes etc). It could have been better organized.

[Helen Louise · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not an easy book to read but fascinating! I live in Halifax and I’m a frequent visitor to Shibden Hall so there was lots of local history which I found interesting in addition to the life of the infamous Anne Lister. This is a must read for anyone interested in LGBT history and provides insight as to how she navigated her sexuality at the time. Her diaries also provide insight to her disdain of other women and those of a social class below her though so not quite the perfect poster girl for LGBT as the tv series has catapulted her too.

[Meagan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Completely fascinating to hear a woman so bluntly talk about her love for women and orgasms and desire-- BACK IN THE 1700's AND 1800'S! Somehow very comforting, for someone under the LGBT umbrella. Somehow solidifies that there have always been people such as us, somehow makes me feel more firmly planted in our history.

[Audra · Rating 4 out of 5]

Totally fascinating. Was introduced like most people to Anne Lister via the BBC show Gentleman Jack, but am now jumping down the rabbit hole of all things Anne. I feel like Anne is the role model I wished I had known about, but grew up to be anyway. Can't wait to read more of her journals, as this one ends in her early 30s.

[Hazel]

I'm watching a BBC documentary on this Regency diarist, who wrote in code, twice as prolifically as Pepys, and led an independent, accomplished life as a landowner and industrialist. She was also gay, and something of a lothario. This isn't what I learned from Austen!!

[Santa Celeste · Rating 5 out of 5]

“ The Secret Diaries of Miss Anne Lister" is a powerful and captivating book that delves into the life of Anne Lister, a remarkable woman who lived in the 1800s. I would like to express my gratitude to Helena Whitbread for her meticulous translation of Anne's secret code, which allowed us to explore Anne's lesbian relationships with various lovers.

This book sheds light on the challenges Anne faced in a society that did not accept same-sex relationships. It is heartbreaking to witness the lengths Anne had to go through to keep her relationships hidden from the world. Throughout the story, a mix of joy and sadness is evoked as Anne's longing for love and companionship becomes evident.

In the second part of the book, Anne finally finds true love with Ann Walker, but further details are revealed in the subsequent book, which I am yet to read. The emotions that Anne experiences resonate deeply within me, as I can feel her pain and solitude in longing for a genuine connection. The impact of her relationship with M, who chose to marry for financial reasons, is also explored, highlighting the manipulation and false hope Anne endured.

Anne's commitment to M put her life on hold, and she regretted not pursuing other relationships in the hope of a future with M. However, it becomes increasingly clear that M prioritized money and a certain lifestyle over Anne's love. The affair between them had a profound impact on Anne's life, and she referred M relationship with her husband as a form of legal prostitution.

What struck me most about Anne's story is the profound loneliness she experienced and her desperate need for true love. All she desired was to be loved and chosen by someone. It is disheartening to witness the restrictions placed on women during that time, where marriage was often their main goal and their aspirations were limited.

I refrain from revealing too much about the book, as I believe it is best experienced firsthand. However, there is a pivotal event that occurs, causing Anne's love and admiration for M to wane. This event leads to a shift in Anne's perspective, and she begins to question the nature of her relationship with M.

"The Secret Diaries of Miss Anne Lister" left me feeling both saddened by Anne's loneliness and inspired by her resilience. It is a powerful reminder of the importance of genuine love and acceptance. I highly recommend reading this book to truly appreciate Anne's journey.

I also want to mention that there is a second book that continues Anne's story, where Ann Walker play a big role in Anne's life and ultimately becomes Anne's wife. Additionally, there is a movie adaptation that I have yet to watch, but I plan to do so once I have read the second book.

I would like to express my gratitude to Helena Whitbread for her dedication in deciphering Anne's secret code, providing us with a valuable glimpse into the lives of lesbian and queer women during that time. I believe this book serves as a reminder that we should strive for a world where individuals can freely express their true selves and embrace their sexual orientation without fear of judgment or prejudice. This book also made me think about all the women who are afraid to be themselves and be with whom they want because they fear being judged by their family and friends for their attraction to women. I hope that one day these women can truly be themselves, find freedom, and align with their true sexual orientation. I hope they do not waste their lives and years with someone they do not love, unable to express their true sexual orientation due to fear of judgment. May these women find freedom and one day align with their true sexual orientation.

[Anneloes Van · Rating 2 out of 5]

The inspiring and unstoppable character of Anne Lister as depicted by HBO in Gentleman Jack is a tremendous departure from the historical human author of this book. I was disappointed to learn that the real Anne Lister was in many instances overtly anti-women (except to deceive and objectify them). She is devoted to her aristocratic hierarchical measure of human worth based on lineage and education (a fragile system of rank, each having been weighed against personal & family reputation), rather than on merit of work ethic, or character. One of my favorite moments in Gentleman Jack was when she supported the marriage of the cartographer's daughter and the pig man, saying something along the lines of how Once in a while, nobility of character belies the rank one is born to.. it seems that the historical Anne Lister did not this way at all, across four hundred pages she consistently deins every acquaintance as less than her, vulgar and "low" - she cuts people out of her circle of friends only to manipulate her way back into their good graces when she intermittently realizes that she has isolated herself by being cunty to everyone who called her a friend. Based on this diary, it seems the real Anne Lister spent most of her time mending clothing, feeling ill, and bossing around servants.. I can't be bothered to read the sequel, though I did enjoy reading Helena Whitbread's thorough footnotes (and of course independently looking up every odd word I didn't recognize, most of which ended up being different types of woven fabric). I will continue to admire the indefatigable Gentleman Jack, knowing that the historical figure is a woman I'm not sure I would have got along with.

[Erin · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is, in an abstract sense, an important preservation of the events of a conspicuously lesbian life in early 19th century England. But it is, in a much more particular sense, a more often than not dreadfully dull chronicle of a priggish, cold, superior, self-absorbed, and self-serving (and thus wildly unlikable) woman living in this period and place, and seeking to advance and maintain her social position, whilst occasionally taking advantage of whatever women suited her, with little heed for or interest in their own hopes or aspirations or passions.

Anne Lister is almost totally devoid of redeeming or even tolerable qualities of any kind. She has mostly negative things to say about everyone around her, she has little real, compassionate (rather than merely possessive) love to offer anyone. And she is, if anything a politically regressive figure of her time.

Her subtle (and sometimes unsubtle) misogyny is in a way reflective of what we find in the writings of Radclyffe Hall. Wherein feminine women to whom she is attracted are fairly regularly objectified and really not treated as fellow human beings in full.

This is a worthy collection of the writings of a mostly boring and loathsome upper class conservative who happened to enjoy taking sexual advantage of other women. And so a worthy collection of the writings of a mostly insufferable subject. One who has through her own words earned my intense dislike.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Such a fascinating read. I wanted to experience the actual life of Anne Lister after watching Gentleman Jack and reading a biography on her life - this book, being a collection of her diary entries, is so interesting!

I know how history works (I mean... I literally work in a museum), but it still absolutely blows me away that this woman existed and did all of those things. Sometimes my head can't wrap around it. The travelling, the relationships, the power she had on society... such a revolutionary of her time.

Amongst all of the exciting things that Anne did, I weirdly more-so enjoyed reading the mundane parts of her diaries. The going into town, reports of health problems, trips away and descriptions of her home life were equally as good to read. For me, they added a huge relatability and domesticity perspective to her life, it's nice to know that she was actually just normal under the stories that we usually hear.

Shall be reading volume two in due course. Hopefully the next volume includes entries from her time spent with Ann, because I'm very interested to hear her personal thoughts during their relationship together.

My only issue with this book is that the sections where Anne had originally written in crypthand (her secret code) are written in this book in italics. I found it incredibly difficult to read!!!

[Lune · Rating 4 out of 5]

j'ai tellement kiffé cette lecture !!! genre Anne Lister quelle icône, je pense qu'on aurait pas pu l'inventer, elle est tellement complexe, à la fois attachante et détestable. franchement ça met un peu du baume au cœur de voir que cette meuf était lesbienne assumée au 19ème siècle, qu'elle a trouvé les moyens de vivre avec les femmes qu'elle aimaient malgré les difficultés liées aux qu'en dira-t-on et aux attentes de sa classe sociale. et puis même ses comportements de fuck boy toxic là ptdrrr c'était hilarant genre Anne si tu oses te marier avec un mec elle va te tromper avec toutes les meufs de ta famille et des 40 kilomètres alentours
non vraiment une inspiration (après moi chuis anticapitaliste je peux vous dire que c'était loin d'être son cas)

[Rose · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don’t know what I expected the diary of a lesbian in the 1810s to be like, but something about this book had me forgetting, over and over again, that it was a historical document and not extremely boring fiction. I kind of suspect the cover - the edition I’m reading has some swirly cursive font on the front like any 2020s romance.

The diaries are alternately terribly boring (the minutia of Anne’s life, including what she fed the horses, when, and how much she paid) or terribly sad (her love life). The second volume is shorter - and judging by the extremely abrupt conclusion* to this one, maybe more exciting - but I’m not sure I want to take the time to read it.

*I guess anyone’s diary ends extremely abruptly, but again - I legit kept forgetting this WASN’T fiction.

[Barbara Waloven · Rating 5 out of 5]

Miss Anne Lister, in the early 1800’s, broke female norms & barriers by owning land, being independent, having/making her own money, refusing to marry, and traveling the world - just to mention a few things. She was also an out-of-the-closet (so to speak) lesbian who attended church faithfully. She kept precise diaries throughout her life of menial tasks like what she ate for breakfast or what time she went for a walk as well as fascinating dealings she has with merchants, friends, family. One set of diaries, more intimately detailed, was in a special code she created so that undesirables could not read what she’d written. Very much enjoyed reading this book.

[Fay Babette · Rating 5 out of 5]

Anne Lister was her own pride protest. What an absolute brave and intelligent woman. Her self awareness and unbreakable will I strongly look up too. I adored this so much she was a litteral godess! I wanted to cry for her and her life so bad at how she was treated, not only by society but by Mariana Lawton herself - I actually wanted to punch M for toying her around and making her depressed for years! She didn't even need to marry Charles anyway with Shibden Hall always waiting for her!!
MUST READ if

[Francesca · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was introduced to Anne Lister through the show Gentleman Jack, which I absolutely ADORED so I thought reading the books would be interesting...

I really wanted to love them but I just found this first one sooo boring 😭 I started it last summer, around June 2023 and currently I'm only on page 61 lmao I can't bring myself to keep reading it.

It's interesting to read about what life was like back then but just a bit boring as nothing really happens. Maybe it gets better as the book goes on? I guess I'll never find out 🤣

Maybe I'll pick it back up at some point in the future.

[Katie Cotter]

An amazingly intellectual and avid student of everything on earth. Interesting to see what live was like when woman had absolutely no power, even their own money. Part of the diary was written in code because Anne was a lesbian and was very graphic in the details of her love life. Hard to read journals because author often leaves out details that are thought to be obvious. What an incredible gift to understand the female live in 1800 society.

[Lies · Rating 4 out of 5]

Did not finish (for now) because it had to go back to the library and this book is just not one you can fly through. Anne lister has the same birthday as me (yay) and is also gay like me (yay) and i like her and her simple life in the country. Sometimes she is a bit stiffish and prudish and snobbish and then i dont like her as much. Nevertheless reading through someones real diary and their most intimate thoughts somehow filles me with awe. Humans haachhh

[Chantelle Du Toit · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a fascinating woman Anne was. I admire her courage, drive, bravery and how she stayed true to herself despite everyone’s judgement and criticism in Halifax. Some people think she was rude and not very nice, but remember that her journals were for herself and it was her inner thoughts, everyone’s got thoughts they’d never share with others because you’d be seen as impertinent. I like her bluntness and I think she was an amazing person

[Bee Evans · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bought the books because of the BBC series and thought I’d continue my lesbian history readings… and whilst that angle of the book is fascinating, was most shocked and interested by the wild lack of understanding of sickness/disease, bizarre obsession with “bleeding” someone to heal them, and the crazy rich foods and volumes of alcohol drunk. All in all a very insightful look at the early 1800s (provided you were rich and land owning!)

[Eryx · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was very interesting to read and in general I did enjoy it. However, it was very boring at parts, mostly due to the nature of the book itself and in no part due to the editor. I really enjoyed the editors notes throughout which made it quite easier to understand (and it was a nice break from older English to read modern language!) All in all a splendid read

[Jono Weir · Rating 3 out of 5]

An enjoyable book - which documents the diary entries of Anne Lister! I was brought to this particular book after my love for the BBC series which I adore! So I was very excited to read it!
It wasn’t entirely what I had been expecting, but nevertheless enjoyable! But not a book that I would really ever re-read.

[Sandra de Helen · Rating 5 out of 5]

After watching the Gentleman Jack series three times (once on PBS, twice on HBO), I wanted to read Miss Lister's diaries and found these at my public library. I find them fascinating. Not just her life and loves, but the minutiae of her daily life: what she mended, what she paid for things, how much she slept, what she ate. Can't wait to start Volume 2.