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How to Fight Presidents: Defending Yourself Against the Badasses Who Ran This Country

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Make no mistake: Our founding fathers were more bandanas-and-muscles than powdered-wigs-and-tea.

As a prisoner of war, Andrew Jackson walked several miles barefoot across state lines while suffering from smallpox and a serious head wound received when he refused to polish the boots of the soldiers who had taken him captive. He was thirteen years old. A few decades later, he became the first popularly elected president and served the nation, pausing briefly only to beat a would-be assassin with a cane to within an inch of his life. Theodore Roosevelt had asthma, was blind in one eye, survived multiple gunshot wounds, had only one regret (that there were no wars to fight under his presidency), and was the first U.S. president to win the Medal of Honor, which he did after he died. Faced with the choice, George Washington actually preferred the sound of bullets whizzing by his head in battle over the sound of silence.

And now these men—these hallowed leaders of the free world—want to kick your ass.

Plenty of historians can tell you which president had the most effective economic strategies, and which president helped shape our current political parties, but can any of them tell you what to do if you encounter Chester A. Arthur in a bare-knuckled boxing fight? This book will teach you how to be better, stronger, faster, and more deadly than the most powerful (and craziest) men in history. You’re welcome.

255 pages, Paperback

First published January 21, 2014

135 people are currently reading
3673 people want to read

About the author

Daniel O'Brien

5 books121 followers
Head Writer and Creative Director of Video for Cracked.com. Co-creator/co-writer/co-star of Agents of Cracked and Cracked: After Hours.

O'Brien claims to have developed a fascination with presidents after a college professor told his class they could never be president. O'Brien took the professor's remark as a challenge and began researching presidential lives in order to emulate them and one day become president.

Instead of doing that, he wrote a book about presidents and named his dog after Andrew Jackson.

His dog has an excessive amount of hoodies that he doesn't like, and are impractical, given the hot average temperatures of Los Angeles, where O'Brien and his dog, Jackson reside.

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Displaying 1 - 30 of 381 reviews
Profile Image for Paula.
Author 2 books251 followers
May 16, 2014
It occurs to me, this is the first funny book I've read in ages that did not start life as a blog. Not that that is the only notable thing about it. Probably the most notable thing about this book is that it calls Millard Fillmore a dick. Also Florida. Like, literally:

"It can be said that lots of presidents gave America her metaphorical balls...but only Monroe can boast giving America her actual dick, when he purchased Florida from Spain. Monroe thought, "Truly, America is a majestic and inspiring thing of beauty, and yet I cannot help but feel that a mighty, swinging dong would really bring the whole place together," and America's been proudly waving that thing at passersby ever since."

Crude? Yeah. But you'll never again forget who procured Florida for us, will ya. In my house, we cannot restrain ourselves from reading paragraphs aloud. I read the entire Polk chapter aloud at a restaurant. Ezra, who is ten, just read me part of Jackson. Am I a bad person for letting my 5th grader read such profanity-laden prose? Maybe. But quite frankly, he's the one who gets all the jokes. 5th grade is EXACTLY when the average person's knowledge of American history is at its peak.

Get it for every history buff you know - provided they can take a joke, and provided they also have a low opinion of Millard "Fugitive Slave Act Motherfucker" Fillmore.
Profile Image for Cookie.
778 reviews68 followers
August 19, 2017
This is book about how to beat up presidents and it is perfect. This book is so perfectly kickass that if you don't agree, I'm sure this book will find a way to kick your ass. There's a lot of ass kicking in this book. I'm talking like this because I'm coming off some type of violence induced endorphin high and how I really wanted to start this review was... "In a world... where you have to defend yourself against the badasses who ran this country..." (using my deep, gravelly voice, of course), but I thought better of it because maybe no one would get it.

Anyway. Some (like...my husband for example) may wonder what I'd possibly enjoy about a book that's a humorous biographical view of each president, focusing on just how to defeat each in hand to hand combat. My answer is... what's not to love? Let me count the ways:

It has the history. O'Brien loads you with the most relevant and interesting facts and stories he could dig up to prepare you for battle. Teddy Roosevelt and the most pissed off fox in the forest is a personal favorite of mine. If you're going to defend yourself, you better know the brand of crazy you're working with.

It's inspiring. I'm currently tearing a page out of Washington's book and going to win a war based on my will alone.

It's funny. And therefore, highly entertaining.

"“If Mr. Fantastic and Professor X had a baby, there would be tons of questions, but also it would be Abraham Lincoln.”

It has new and creative uses of about every obscenity I know. I'm always looking for a wordsmith.

It's loaded with references to the male genitalia.

Here, I pause.

There's something you should be prepared for, dear reader, should you take on the lessons within this book. You're going to run into an enormous amount of penis. Penis jokes, Penis envy, Penis measurement. Waving penises. This book discusses the penis more than any of my favorite romance books.

In fact, the chapter on Johnson *alone* might have more uses and variations of the penis than all the romance books I've read this year, combined.

I know that JFK has seen more action than all my reads this year combined. And possibly the president who thought it was unAmerican if you didn't do it in the snow. I think that was Adams.

Clearly, this book is not for the faint of heart. You'll need a healthy sense of humor, but I will say for all the crude and or/rude delivery, it is balanced with smarts. In between jokes, there is some wonderful insights and even if you're a buff, I think a couple of takeaways could be had. I certainly had several (real, honest ones unrelated to the comparison of the presidents mettle vs. ball size).


Profile Image for Mahlon.
315 reviews172 followers
July 11, 2016
5 stars for concept 3.5 for accuracy and execution

I must preface this review by saying I love the U.S. Presidents, they were my entry point into history when I was six years old, and they remain one of my cherished specialties. I guard them jealously and usually look upon books that take a humorous approach to them dubiously.

Fortunately this is not the case with Daniel O'Brien's How to Fight Presidents. He strikes exactly the right balance between humor and history, not to say that he's right all the time, but the concept is so hilarious that I will take 80% accuracy. I loved The concept so much that I was able to overlook his somewhat slipshod execution, why make up a chapter on Millard Fillmore when you could've just left him out since you didn't include all the presidents anyway. Why leave out President Carter with no explanation? I was also pretty sure that the fact that Grant drank excessively during the Civil War was a myth. I have no idea if Humphrey had his own secret negotiations to end the war in Vietnam, but I'd never heard that before. The bonus chapter on Zombie Theodore Roosevelt was over the top and unnecessary.

As far as I'm concerned these errors and omissions can be overlooked because the concept is so fresh and the tone is so hilarious. If this book he gets one kid interested in the Presidents it will have been worth the writing. If you're new to the Presidents, it's probably best to read this in conjunction with one of the many standard books on the subject, if you have a good grounding in the facts, you'll enjoy the humor even more.

People often ask me what I look for in a President of the United States, I never really have been able to articulate my criteria before, but this book has made it easier for me. I look for someone, Male or Female, who can be a badass when the chips are really down.

You get the sense throughout that the author wrote this book from a profound place of love and passion for his subject, and that's the highest compliment I can give him.

This is a title that's best experienced as an audiobook. It makes a great gift for anyone who loves the Presidents.
Profile Image for Caitlin.
1,061 reviews77 followers
May 29, 2015
This is not a serious book. Don’t pick it up expecting a balanced report on each of the presidents of the United States. It is however a hilarious collection of dossiers that instruct you on how to fight each of the presidents should a time machine/Doctor/glitch in the Matrix ever make that necessary.



I was already a fan of Daniel O’Brien’s humor from his Cracked articles and videos so I was honestly probably predisposed to like this. I’m a total history geek and I can confirm that this book is heavier on the comedy than the balanced historical facts. That is not to say it doesn’t have them, it’s just not the focus. But that’s obviously not why you read a book like How to Fight Presidents. You read a book like this to learn how to fight presidents, obviously.

And on that Daniel O’Brien delivers!

George Washington

“So your best bet in your George Washington fight: Run. Run as fast as you can, though it probably won't do much. If Washington's already decided that he's won his fight with you, there's nothing you can do. George Washington, the quiet soldier who built our country out of blood and willpower, gives the universe its orders.”

James Madison

“Still, just do that thing bullies do when they put a stiff hand on a smaller nerd's forehead, taking advantage of their size and strength to keep the nerd outside of punching distance. Or, like, pick him up and throw him. This isn't a Bill of Rights-writing contest, it's a cage match. Grab that sucker, lift him up in the air, say "By the way, I'm a big fan of the Constitution, I'm really glad you put that thing together," and then shake him until his teeth fall out. ”

And also just on highly entertaining superhero/president comparisons:

Franklin D. Roosevelt

“FDR’s struggle with illness and subsequent metal-filled life are remarkably similar to the story of another great leader who was part robot: Iron Man. FDR, much like Tony Stark, was cocky and arrogant before his life-changing diagnosis, but the years of suffering changed all of that, and he emerged more humble, more fearless, and ready to defend America. Also, FDR wore iron braces and used a wheelchair, which, for the purposes of this comparison, is exactly like a well-armed robot suit.”

On Ronald Reagan

“Being strong is one thing, but Reagan displayed a unique ability to survive the kinds of things that would crush most men. It would be mildly irresponsible to suggest a definite relationship between President Ronald Regan and fictional superhero Wolverine (who was known for his toughness, accelerated healing ability, and metal bones), but it would be morally reprehensible to not even mention the similarities. ”

Some of it is laugh out loud funny and others are just cute and funny. O’Brien mixes humor and history together damn well and you end up learning a bit more than you’d expect for a book on how to fistfight presidents. And the illustrations by Winston Rowntree are just total genius. It’s one of those books that I read just a few chapters at a time rather than the whole thing all at once because the short chapters (most are just a few pages long) make that so very easy and it's fun to enjoy rather than rush through. Which is part of what makes it such a fun bathroom or waiting in line type of book. I now know that there’s a very short list of presidents that I could probably beat in a fight.



So if you’re the kind of person who enjoyed the mix of silliness and history that was Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, I would definitely recommend picking it up!
Profile Image for Trike.
1,895 reviews187 followers
May 17, 2015
I thought this book was terrific. Or, to put it in the vernacular of the book itself, it was cool as balls. Hot as balls? One of those. Anyway, totally testicular. Which, given the premise -- fighting the crazy badasses who ran America -- is exactly summationy.

There are times when I laughed out loud, which gets an automatic four stars right there. But the value-added bit was that O'Brien also includes actual history which, despite the snark and rated-R-for-languageness of it, was accurate. I like history enough that I'm conversant with bits of it and I actually read about each president after every chapter. (Thank god I read John Adams back when it came out.) So the history stuff is actually correct. Or, to use an industry toim, "dead-on balls-accurate."

Not that you'd want to repeat it word for word on the essay portion of your history exam. Unless you enjoy chatting with the principal, then go for it.

O'Brien writes for Cracked and is featured prominently in many of their videos, so I had his voice in my head while reading this. I understand he narrates the audiobook, which I might actually get just to hear him present it.

Anyway, here's what he sounds like: first offering an opinion on what makes for a good Die Hard movie, then, more on topic, some of the crazier shit presidents have said. I chose these because O'Brien is on record as having two great loves: Die Hard and Presidential History. Which explains why he loves White House Down so much. I also admire his restraint in not making a Die Hard reference until the seventh president. Comedy is all about timing.

I did have a brief moment of cognitive dissonance when he skipped from Gerald Ford to Ronald Reagan, but then I realized that he was confining his book to dead presidents. So you won't learn how to fight Carter, Bush, Shrub or Barry. Considering that O'Brien ran afoul of the Secret Service while researching this book (true story), that was probably a shrewd move.
Profile Image for Al.
465 reviews3 followers
February 13, 2024

Ok, for starters, if you like the idea of this book, you will like it. If you think it’s silly, well you won’t.

Next, if I was younger, this might be my favorite book ever. But I am middle aged and probably should say it’s something by Harold Holzer, David McCullough or Doris Kearns Godwin but I do wish I had written this book.

The writer of this book was the brains behind Cracked.com and I don’t mean to suggest that it’s still not great, but it does feel like it was printed at a certain time. In this case, 2014, which was just a couple of years after books like “Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter” and his website’s peak years.

It’s still great. A mix of humor and some trivia. It probably helps to know a bit about the Presidents, but what a fun book. I mean it’s got inappropriate jokes, but somehow you should expect that.

Anyway, I enjoyed it a lot. He doesn’t tell you how to fight any living Presidents (because that’s kind of problematic) but if you enjoyed those Cracked articles that went viral a decade ago then it’s worth picking up.
Profile Image for Theresahpir.
61 reviews2 followers
November 6, 2014
I received my copy of How to Fight Presidents through the Goodreads' FirstReads program. This was my first book received through this program and Oh. My. God. This was seriously the most hilarious book I have ever read.

Daniel O'Brien has managed to cull some of the most interesting facts of our presidents (from Washington to Reagan) and combine them into a book that is shockingly educational. Not only will you be prepared to beat the heck out of ANYONE at presidential trivia...but as the title suggests, should you find yourself traveling back in time and having to FIGHT any of these great men, you'll be prepared. And, if you're like me, you'll laugh until you pee while you're doing it.

If you like the site, Cracked.com, you'll absolutely love this book, since its basically one big, extended Cracked.com article. However, if that's not your brand of humor and/or you're easily offended by liberal use of the F word and wang talk, then this might not be the book for you. But, luckily, I absolutely love history, trivia, and hilarity...so this was the perfect book for me. I cannot believe how insanely crazy and dedicated some of our presidents have been...and how crooked others were. Many of these facts were things I already were vaguely familiar with, but something about the writing style really emphasized and brought to life the highlights of our former presidents. As a tour guide who gives haunted history tours, I often tell people that ghost stories are the best way to teach history...and now I may need to rethink that theory!

There were a couple of reasons why I only rated this 4 stars, and most of those reasons probably stem from this being an uncorrected proof. There were some minor typographical errors and the conclusion had not yet been added, which was no big deal. However, I would have LOVED to see a bibliography and I would have enjoyed it if the book extended through our current president...but I understand why that was not to be, lol.

Overall, I really loved this book and am proud to promote it to anyone and everyone who will listen. I'll also be keeping a close eye out for any further works by this author. Oh, and did I mention the illustrations were awesome, too?!
Profile Image for Conor Ahern.
667 reviews218 followers
July 14, 2017
A fun little book--don't find out too much about the big name presidents, but you do find a lot of neat little anecdotes about the more obscure ones. A few too many poop and dick jokes for my taste--not that I got offended, they're just kind of boring.

Anyway, top three best stories:

3) LBJ used to try to end arguments by whipping out his prodigious genitalia, including in front of journalists, and once used a Secret Service Agent as a urinal; when the agent objected, LBJ assured him "That's alright, son, it's my prerogative."
2) Calvin Coolidge was a lousy, mean drunk, and would often walk around the White House with a retinue of wild animals, including sometimes with his pet raccoon clutched at his neck.
1) John Quincy Adams, reportedly our most intelligent president (according to various spurious IQ estimates), was absolutely convinced that various nations of mole people inhabited the interior of our planet, which was hollow (except for the mole people and the accouterments of their wondrous civilizations).
433 reviews
February 11, 2021
This book has been a cleanse to my brain after the year we have just endured. Dealing with a pandemic that was enough on its own, and we also had to endure the pandemic become a political battleground instead of finding solutions and recovery. Okay, so this book didn't completely cleanse all of that, but I will be keeping it handy for flare-ups that come along. I'm not a political person and I don't usually read this type of book, but I enjoyed the humor and I learned a lot about each of these presidents as people, not just their politics.
Profile Image for Wendy.
419 reviews57 followers
June 20, 2017
This was really funny, and I learned a lot of interesting trivia about our various presidents (up through Ronald Reagan). Mostly about how tough/scary/shifty they were. I think it was a great read, and a much lighter read than a regular history or biography, so it's easy to get through.

That said, it's very much a 'guy book', with some humor I didn't really care for as much as the rest. There is a lot of profanity, too. Just don't buy it for your kids or your grandma and you should be fine.
Profile Image for Jennifer.
163 reviews19 followers
October 31, 2017
Entertaining and educational? Imagine that. I wish more history books were like this. Not only did I learn how to fight the presidents, I learned a bunch of other interesting facts and trivia along the way about our presidents and our history. Learning is good and laughing along the way makes it even better. Just don't buy this book for your kids, it has "swears" in it.
Profile Image for Barb.
125 reviews
April 10, 2016
I went into this one knowing it's irreverent with random historical facts thrown in. It was sexist, assuming the reader is a guy (which royally pissed me off) and everything negative meant taking on effeminate characteristics. And of those presidents where I've read about or studied them, the facts (real, not the jokes) were occasionally not entirely accurate. So it's a bit off-putting and not incredibly factual. It's sometimes funny, which is why it has any stars.
Profile Image for Florina.
331 reviews5 followers
March 3, 2019
Really funny stuff, as expected of Daniel O'Brien, but the book is weirdly reluctant to talk about some presidents' shortcomings (while being fine criticizing others). Also, it's certainly not the book's fault but boy, is this a strange read in 2019, given who is President at the moment. Though it was published in 2014, it feels like something written in a bygone halcyon age.
Profile Image for Jackie.
307 reviews7 followers
April 20, 2017
Short, funny, humorous take on how each of our President's would do in a fight. It's educational in a 'fact is stranger than fiction' way and the writing is funny in that colloquial millennial way.

I'd recommend it for people who like history and want to learn in a quick and entertaining way but don't want to read a whole lot on the Presidents.
Profile Image for Brittany Tholen.
17 reviews
June 21, 2021
Wow. What a read.
I'd first like to say how much I miss the cracked.com videos that Daniel was responsible for and note that I'm sorry I've only just now read this. I'll have to pick up his earlier books ASAP.
I literally laughed out loud and learned lots of neat little facts. The tone and perspective of this book is fantastic and I only wish there were chapters of our more recent presidents and Daniel's interpretations of their specific flavors of crazy-pants-ness.
Sure, it took me several months to read, but each chapter is self contained and the book easily lent itself to this "at my lunch break" style of reading.
I'm kind of sorry I've finished it, but luckily I have a terrible memory, so I'll just reread it in a few years to relearn how super insane most of our commanders-in-chief were.
Profile Image for Jamie.
Author 31 books57 followers
April 10, 2014
It's always frustrating to me when people declare that "history is boring." It's like they have zero idea about the human drama, betrayals, sex, and violence that shames Game of Thrones -- AND IT TOTALLY HAPPENED FOR REAL. But I get it, you guys. Horrible textbooks and lame teachers made you think it was a jumble of facts and dates. United States presidential history suffers from this problem in spades, as the education system chooses patriotic spin and sanitization instead of telling the truth that our leaders are typically crazy, occasionally violent, sometimes evil bastards who've led interesting lives that would make us call bullshit if some of this stuff wasn't so well documented.

How To Fight Presidents goes through the roll call of leaders from our country's creation all the way through the most recent ones who happen to be already dead. (Turns out the Secret Service frowns on creating a how-to on beating up still-alive presidents.) Learn how Washington loved the sound of bullets whizzing by his head and died taking his own pulse. Find out how Andrew Jackson was a terrifying violent lunatic who nearly beat a would-be assassin to death after perfectly-functional guns were too scared to fire, who died only regretting not having killed a few extra people. Discover Lyndon Johnson's habit of waving his wang and pooping during negotiations as psychological warfare. Marvel at how a close range bullet bounced off Reagan's ribs and he walked himself in the E.R. with a collapsed lung complaining of a little trouble breathing.

I was a History major for most of college and I never suffered from the "history is boring" fallacy thanks to an awesome father, good books, and great teachers from a young age. So I would sometimes be tempted to yell at the book or mark it down for not relaying a bunch of other awesome stories of presidential badassery that I know and like to bore people with at slow parties. But I realize that I'm not quite O'Brien's target audience, as this is not a scholarly tome and not meant to be comprehensive on any one of these figures. This book is an appetizer, a gateway drug into US history that shows that Lincoln didn't just issue the Emancipation Proclamation and later got shot -- he was self-made man with the Spider-Man-like ability to lift heavy things and beat the living shit out of people. Teddy Roosevelt didn't just look awesome in spectacles, he kicked asthma's ass until it gave up and went away and allowed him to pursue adventure and war in a way that 8-year-old boys dream of but never do. Kennedy told friends that if he didn't have (okay, boned) a woman at least once every three days he would suffer from unexplained headaches, a line I had only WISH I'd thought of in high school -- and casually mentioned threesomes the way you or I would mention grabbing a latte at Starbucks. You will (hopefully) come away with at least a few previously-ignored historical figures that you suddenly want to know everything about. It'll lead you into more detailed history but with the right frame of mind because you'll know the kind of stuff you want to know more about.

I know I'm neither crazy nor badass enough to ever be President of the United States, and I'm okay with that because I can't think of a job I'd want less anyway. But reading about them can be a surprisingly awesome way to spend an afternoon. Be careful reading at night, though, or visions of Zombie Teddy Roosevelt tearing through your front door on an undead rhino might haunt your dreams.
Profile Image for Kellyanne.
437 reviews12 followers
August 30, 2016
I won an early, uncorrected proof version of this in a GoodReads giveaway. Right now, I'm giving it 3.5/5 stars partly because it's unfinished and partly because there were a lack of citations/sources/further reading. There are still some grammatical and typographical errors and no conclusion, but this book was hysterical. The writing is crass, funny, and somehow, downright New Jerseyan. In between learning just how tough many of our Presidents were (Polk and Garfield, anyone?), I found myself laughing out loud many times. In fact, I wanted to know more about their badassery, so to speak, but was woefully disappointed that the author did not share the titles of what he read. It is clear, though, that he did a ton of research. I'm looking forward to buying a finished version!

(I was also slightly disappointed that there were no chapters on Jimmy Carter or any President post-Reagan, but then I realized that's probably best, lest the reader get it into his or her head to fight the Presidents that are still very much alive.)
Profile Image for Noah Goats.
Author 8 books31 followers
September 17, 2017
How to Fight Presidents is an amusing book that will teach you a bit of presidential trivia between the chuckles.

If you've ever read one of his history pieces on Cracked, you'll be familiar with Daniel O'Brien's shtick. He mixes history with profanity and pop culture references to create bits like the following description of Zachary Taylor, "Taylor’s gruff, no-nonsense, too-old-for-this-shit attitude, coupled with his reputation as a rebellious loose cannon, makes him, quite astoundingly, one of the only men in history who is at all times both Riggs and Murtaugh. He’s his own buddy-cop movie." If you find that amusing, as I do, you'll find things to enjoy about this book.

But shtick can wear thin in book length form, luckily O'Brian keeps things short and snappy.
Profile Image for Becky.
657 reviews36 followers
June 8, 2014
Very funny and informative. I now understand there are very few dead presidents I could beat in a fight.
14 reviews2 followers
January 29, 2020
Funny book about Presidents

Maybe not your not normal President(s) book,
but at least it was a funny one

Anyone who has a funny bone and like U.S.Presidents
Profile Image for Samantha Wimpfheimer .
96 reviews2 followers
March 16, 2021
I don’t even know where to begin with this book. It is such a fun read! I read most of it out loud to my husband and we were cackling with laughter the whole time. The author delivers history and facts (along with some opinions which he makes clear are opinions) in a way that will make you laugh, gasp and remember them! One of the best (mostly) non-fiction books that I’ve ever read.
Profile Image for Debbie is on Storygraph.
1,674 reviews145 followers
February 4, 2021
Interesting, irreverent... and also sexist and fatphobic. An engaging read that both amused and pissed me off (you could have cut the entire chapter about Taft and I probably would have given it another star). Also, some of those stories I knew to be more myth than fact, which made me question the veracity of the whole book.

Though I can credit this book for bumping Garfield to maybe one of my favorite presidents now.
Profile Image for Awna.
17 reviews1 follower
August 21, 2024
I really enjoyed this book. My only constructive feedback is that it could’ve been longer and included dates at the beginning of each chapter with the detailed timeline for all the presidents. I thought it was really funny and well written and I laughed quite a bit. I feel like I learned a few things and, agree that it’s a good springboard for jumping into the presidential cesspool of information that’s out there. I would be curious and would definitely read a longer book by this author on this topic, not just about how to fight a president, but of all the crazy exploits and details that surrounded each of these incredibly influential humans.
44 reviews
January 4, 2024
Readable in an afternoon. Covers all the presidents who had died by time of writing. It's going for humour, of course, and starts out stronger than it ends. Far from exhaustive, it still makes each president more memorable. Like Horrible Histories, but with swearing.
19 reviews1 follower
October 21, 2017
Smash Glass and Read this Book if you're going to fight a president.

You're not likely to be more prepared by when fighting someone like Andrew Jackson, you'll have an anecdote or stinging insult to hurl before getting your butt handed to you.

Every dead president gets a short chapter where we learn strange tails that may or may not help you to fight him. Just for framing, these are imagined to be cage matches, mano-a-mano dick punching contests of virile masculinity. There's also a chapter dedicated to building your Presidential A-Team, which seems more important to me now than ever before.

Along with the expected highs like the aforementioned Jackson, Roosevelt (both of them) and Lincoln, you also get to know other guys like Rutherford B Hayes who now simply don't want to fight.

The only problem with this book is that it doesn't address fighting those presidents who are living. Which implies the author, Dan O'Brien, is afraid of being whupped by Jimmy, George, Bill, George Jr, and Barack. And probably sued.

TL-DR: Don't fight Teddy. Spoiler: Don't fight Zombie Teddy either. But you KNEW that already. And if you didn't, you need to read this book.
Profile Image for mim.
173 reviews2 followers
August 4, 2016
eh, you guys, i don't know. it kinda bums me out to rate this so low, but honestly, i only kinda enjoyed it. i generally like dan o'brien and his writing and find it very funny, but this didn't work for me. part of it may be that the concept doesn't really work for a full-length book, but i don't think that was all that bothered me.

there were some choices he made that felt weird to me and definitely messed with my enjoyment of the book. like... how are you gonna trash zachary taylor for being pro-slavery but not even mention it for washington/jefferson/madison, who literally.... owned people? like. just drag them all for it, come on. i know this is a humor book, but i was definitely uncomfortable with the level of praise in a lot of the chapters; most jarringly maybe andrew jackson. andrew jackson was a shitty guy. andrew jackson is literally guilty of genocide. i know genocide is not really a fun jokey subject, but o'brien had no issue bringing up ways in which other presidents were horrible (he calls woodrow wilson out on how racist he was, the entire chapter on nixon), so it's not like he's not capable writing a humorous chapter that acknowledges that the subject of it was shitty.

there was also definitely some stuff - especially in the earlier chapters, which is the american history period i'm most familiar with - where i had to keep telling myself 'humor book, not history book' in order to keep myself from getting annoyed, bc there was definitely some... dodgy stuff. not that he ever like made up stuff, but there's definitely some not-great historical interpretation/analysis. but again, humor book, and this is more of a personal hangup.

i don't know - i still like his humor overall and there were definitely funny lines and bits, but overall this book just didn't work for me as well as i'd hoped.
Profile Image for Dolly Sandor.
528 reviews41 followers
January 31, 2016
Fun, informative and extremely creative!

What I liked: I am a huge history nut; all kinds of history as a matter of fact. How to Fight Presidents was recommended to my by my nephew. He reads almost strictly audio books so, I thought I'd give it a listen.

I knew up front it was humorous and filled with the high points and little known facts about some of our Presidents, but I wan't expecting to get so immersed I lost track of time. In addition, there are times when I'm listening to a book, I might nod off but with How to Fight Presidents, that was not a problem. Each President has a chapter and some are longer than others but you don't get bogged down with boring facts. It's written and presented in such a way that the time just flies by.

It's not a long audio book by most standards but it is full of history and laughs. Mr. O'Brien has clearly done some research and his book tells you what you need to know if you found yourself in a fight with each of the first 42 Presidents and how you might beat them in a fight. Yep, sounds a bit silly doesn't it. It's not.

At first I wasn't sure of Mr McGanagle's narration but as the chapters moved along, I adjusted and thoroughly enjoy his timing and his characterizations.

​What I didn't like: I would love to be able to recommend How to Fight Presidents to young adults but I can't do that because of the language. It's pretty bad in a few places and I can't in good conscience recommend a book where the "F" word is thrown away so much. I know, I know, young adults in today's world probably use worse language than I ever though about but I can't do that.

If you need a break from your everyday reading or just like American History, definitely give How to Fight Presidents a listen or a read!!

​Recommended!!!!
Profile Image for Eric.
4,117 reviews31 followers
November 30, 2014
This book almost went into my "could not finish" pile, but as I had blown a credit with Audible I figured I owed it to myself to see it through at least once. Once will be all. The author's scatology is probably best reflected in my overall sense of the work - "shitty." (He doesn't stop there, by the way.) I thought from the outset that he might actually arrive at his premise - that all our presidents were, at some level, truly egomaniacal bad-asses; but I can't say that he really successfully made that case. He might have been better off bypassing a few that he didn't line, such as Millard Filmore, when he could find that they all met his criteria. There were a couple interesting vignettes, such as Washington's seeming desire to be in the thick of flying bullets or Lincolns immense strength that allowed him to actually toss a person up to 12 feet or Lyndon Johnson's fascination with showing off his bathroom habits or genitals. I will admit that he seems to have leveled his gaze at almost all the presidents with equal malevolence, regardless, for the most part, of their politics. Please find something else on which to spend your time.
Profile Image for Gavin Esdale.
201 reviews29 followers
November 22, 2016
This book (written by Cracked whiz Daniel O'Brien) delivers almost exactly what it promises: a short, punchy, witty take on (nearly) every U.S. President and their (likely) weaknesses in a fistfight. For someone who's never had too much interest in history, this book is almost primed to fix that. O'Brien lets his love for Roosevelt (and most of the others) shine through brightly and, as a series of fun blurbs about some of the craziest men to ever rock the oval office, it's a good read.
Is it fun? Yes.
Is it funny? Yep.
Will you take away some fun trivia and actual American history from it? Yes and possibly, respectively. I'll now never forget which president got stuck in a bathtub, or which one acquired Florida, or which one delivered a massively important address while massively drunk (I'm not telling, just read the book and find out)
Also worth noting are the many many many fantastic illustrations by Winston Rowntree. There're at least 2 for every President mentioned, and they're all stellar.

Overall, a very fun and easy read. Here's hoping we'll be graced with an updated version too.
Profile Image for Ryan.
40 reviews14 followers
July 5, 2016
I received this book as part of Goodreads' FirstReads giveaway.

Words cannot truly describe the usefulness of this book, nay, life guide. After completing it, I felt like I could take on every single U.S. president, except Teddy Roosevelt, because come on, it's Teddy Roosevelt. This is a must-read for anyone with a time machine and a yearning to beat the pantaloons off some of America's most celebrated, and notorious, leaders.

In all seriousness, this book was incredibly enjoyable. I visit Cracked.com daily and am familiar with the writing style of Daniel O'Brien. He is one-of-a-kind in terms of providing relevant details and anecdotes, while including a incredible amount of wit and humor. The stories within the book truly illuminate the men who have assumed the highest office of U.S. government and was a great read. While I love reading about history, I believe more people would enjoy the subject if more stories like the ones in this book were included in lessons.

I wish I could've given this more stars, but I guess 5 out of 5 will have to suffice.
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