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I Love You So Much It's Killing Us Both
Susan Choi’s Trust Exercise meets Nick Hornby’s High Fidelity in a Black woman’s coming-of-age story, chronicling a life-changing friendship, the interplay between music fandom and identity, and the slipperiness of sanity
Set in the suburbs of Los Angeles and New York City, I Love You So Much It’s Killing Us Both is an immersive journey into the life and mind of Khaki Oliver, who’s perennially trying to disappear into something: a codependent friendship, an ill-advised boyfriend, the punk scene, or simply, the ether. These days it’s a meaningless job and a comfortingly empty apartment. Then, after a decade of estrangement, she receives a letter from her former best friend. Fiona’s throwing a party for her newly adopted daughter and wants Khaki to join the celebration.
Khaki is equal parts terrified and tempted to reconnect. Their platonic love was confusing, all-consuming, and encouraged their worst impulses. While stalling her RSVP, Khaki starts crafting the perfect mixtape—revisiting memories of formative shows, failed romances, and the ups and downs of desire and denial—while weighing the risks and rewards of saying yes to Fiona again.
One song at a time, from 1980s hardcore to 2010s emo, the shared and separate contours of each woman’s mind come into focus. Will listening to the same old songs on repeat doom Khaki to a lonely life of arrested development? Or will hindsight help her regain her sense of self and pave a healthy path for the future, with or without Fiona?
Set in the suburbs of Los Angeles and New York City, I Love You So Much It’s Killing Us Both is an immersive journey into the life and mind of Khaki Oliver, who’s perennially trying to disappear into something: a codependent friendship, an ill-advised boyfriend, the punk scene, or simply, the ether. These days it’s a meaningless job and a comfortingly empty apartment. Then, after a decade of estrangement, she receives a letter from her former best friend. Fiona’s throwing a party for her newly adopted daughter and wants Khaki to join the celebration.
Khaki is equal parts terrified and tempted to reconnect. Their platonic love was confusing, all-consuming, and encouraged their worst impulses. While stalling her RSVP, Khaki starts crafting the perfect mixtape—revisiting memories of formative shows, failed romances, and the ups and downs of desire and denial—while weighing the risks and rewards of saying yes to Fiona again.
One song at a time, from 1980s hardcore to 2010s emo, the shared and separate contours of each woman’s mind come into focus. Will listening to the same old songs on repeat doom Khaki to a lonely life of arrested development? Or will hindsight help her regain her sense of self and pave a healthy path for the future, with or without Fiona?
336 pages, Hardcover
First published February 13, 2024
310 people are currently reading
14889 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 296 reviews
July 2, 2024
this book felt like i read and consumed so much information, yet it also felt like i read nothing at all.
May 30, 2025
Eating disorders, punk as a music subculture, homoerotic toxic teenage girl friendship, race and class and the ways they shape women’s lives in the suburbs and in college and adult life, memory and loss and recollection— all brutally and at times hilariously explored in this dark little novel
April 8, 2024
purely shelving this bc of the title
January 22, 2024
These days, Khaki Oliver feels trapped in a meaningless job and an empty apartment until an invitation from her estranged former best friend, Fiona. Khaki is tempted and terrified to reconnect—their all-consuming friendship brought out their worst impulses and changed Khaki forever. While stalling her RSVP, Khaki starts crafting the perfect mixtape by revisiting her memories. Should she say yes to Fiona again?
BOTH is one of the most fascinating & unique coming-of-age stories I've read in a long time. Coupled with Stovall's out-of-the-world gorgeous writing—every sentence is perfectly crafted and made me wonder if I *actually* know English—I read this compelling story in a day. If you're in a hurry, just stop here and preorder this book right now. My review will never do it justice 🙈
Have you ever loved something so much that it hurts? Stovall explores intimate relationships that teeter on obsession via three angles: friendship, romance, and the self. These relationships are all formed out of desire & love but are ultimately detrimental when they become all-consuming.
"We were volatile in a way I mistook for normal, as if the same thing would happen to any two people trying to converge. As if that were a thing other people were trying to do."
The "platonic" relationship between Khaki and Fiona is an intriguing exploration of female friendships & mercurial relationships. It made me ponder the many friends I've gained & lost over the years and had me anxious about my identity as "me" rather than "us." When a bond is so strong it's etched into my soul and defines me, how do I separate that from myself? But when I see my former companion now, a new person, without me, is there a possibility I can choose a different journey, or is it proof that I'm beyond hope? These are the central topics Stovall explores in BOTH.
"I've been thinking maybe I've never been in love because I—I don't love myself, exactly, it's more like I'm extremely self-obsessed. I've been thinking that if you truly love me then you will never truly trust me. Because I lie so often."
Self-obsession is another fascinating (and somewhat ambiguous) theme in BOTH. Fiona's past wish for death, while she tries to stay alive for others, vs. Khaki's desire to live, while being pulled into a dark pit, is an intriguing examination of how one's mental health struggles manifest differently. I wonder if Khaki and Fiona's attraction to each other and their rosy views of their friendship stem from their severe criticism of themselves and the hope to become one another.
There are so many other fascinating themes in this story. For example, as a person of color in white-majority spaces, the desire to "blend in" can be embodied as a wish to disappear via eating disorders. Stovall also leaves a lot of breadcrumbs for pop culture and punk music lovers—as someone who didn't grow up in the US, I'm sad that these easter eggs flew through my head 😅
At its core, BOTH explores the importance of letting go for self-preservation. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is heal alone; occasionally, we reunite afterward, and most times, our lives become parallel lines.
BOTH is a phenomenal debut worth revisiting and one I'll recommend to everyone. It's my favorite 2024 read (so far 🤣); I can't wait to read whatever Stovall writes next.
Here are some quotes from BOTH that had me gasp. Stovall's singular voice will stay with me for a long time.
"At the very least, this particular sadness is simple. Streamlined. I really understand it now. It's singularity, not starving, that I thrive on. Thoughts tunneled; feelings filtered in avoidance of the emotional entropy for which I still feel unequipped."
"I try to move on. I get pulled back because the thing about the past is that it has a past. Once you begin an exhumation it's hard to know when to stop digging."
"Shed raised me to be wary of becoming the Angry Black anything. With that off the table, little else appealed. I pined for all sorts of destruction, all of it out of the question. Not for Eleanor's reasons. I had my own: violence demanded intimacy with something outside myself. I couldn't have anger, so sadness had to suffice."
BOTH is one of the most fascinating & unique coming-of-age stories I've read in a long time. Coupled with Stovall's out-of-the-world gorgeous writing—every sentence is perfectly crafted and made me wonder if I *actually* know English—I read this compelling story in a day. If you're in a hurry, just stop here and preorder this book right now. My review will never do it justice 🙈
Have you ever loved something so much that it hurts? Stovall explores intimate relationships that teeter on obsession via three angles: friendship, romance, and the self. These relationships are all formed out of desire & love but are ultimately detrimental when they become all-consuming.
"We were volatile in a way I mistook for normal, as if the same thing would happen to any two people trying to converge. As if that were a thing other people were trying to do."
The "platonic" relationship between Khaki and Fiona is an intriguing exploration of female friendships & mercurial relationships. It made me ponder the many friends I've gained & lost over the years and had me anxious about my identity as "me" rather than "us." When a bond is so strong it's etched into my soul and defines me, how do I separate that from myself? But when I see my former companion now, a new person, without me, is there a possibility I can choose a different journey, or is it proof that I'm beyond hope? These are the central topics Stovall explores in BOTH.
"I've been thinking maybe I've never been in love because I—I don't love myself, exactly, it's more like I'm extremely self-obsessed. I've been thinking that if you truly love me then you will never truly trust me. Because I lie so often."
Self-obsession is another fascinating (and somewhat ambiguous) theme in BOTH. Fiona's past wish for death, while she tries to stay alive for others, vs. Khaki's desire to live, while being pulled into a dark pit, is an intriguing examination of how one's mental health struggles manifest differently. I wonder if Khaki and Fiona's attraction to each other and their rosy views of their friendship stem from their severe criticism of themselves and the hope to become one another.
There are so many other fascinating themes in this story. For example, as a person of color in white-majority spaces, the desire to "blend in" can be embodied as a wish to disappear via eating disorders. Stovall also leaves a lot of breadcrumbs for pop culture and punk music lovers—as someone who didn't grow up in the US, I'm sad that these easter eggs flew through my head 😅
At its core, BOTH explores the importance of letting go for self-preservation. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is heal alone; occasionally, we reunite afterward, and most times, our lives become parallel lines.
BOTH is a phenomenal debut worth revisiting and one I'll recommend to everyone. It's my favorite 2024 read (so far 🤣); I can't wait to read whatever Stovall writes next.
Here are some quotes from BOTH that had me gasp. Stovall's singular voice will stay with me for a long time.
"At the very least, this particular sadness is simple. Streamlined. I really understand it now. It's singularity, not starving, that I thrive on. Thoughts tunneled; feelings filtered in avoidance of the emotional entropy for which I still feel unequipped."
"I try to move on. I get pulled back because the thing about the past is that it has a past. Once you begin an exhumation it's hard to know when to stop digging."
"Shed raised me to be wary of becoming the Angry Black anything. With that off the table, little else appealed. I pined for all sorts of destruction, all of it out of the question. Not for Eleanor's reasons. I had my own: violence demanded intimacy with something outside myself. I couldn't have anger, so sadness had to suffice."
March 3, 2024
The reviews for this book offered a lot of promise about content that was never truly delivered. Any moments that focused on anything music related felt entirely disconnected and based on inside jokes/context that the reader is never made fully aware of.
Truthfully, the whole book felt disjointed. I wanted to love this book. I felt like I should have loved this book, but every session was a reaction to an internal demand to not give up; that it would soon start to gel. I just finished and, while I’m proud to have the “completion checkmark”, I can’t wait to move on to something else.
It is entirely possible that I am not the target demographic for this novel. Furthermore, I hate to shit on someone’s hard work. Ultimately, I just felt like I was reading someone MySpace blog while they kept trying to convince me that Taking Back Sunday was a rad band.
Truthfully, the whole book felt disjointed. I wanted to love this book. I felt like I should have loved this book, but every session was a reaction to an internal demand to not give up; that it would soon start to gel. I just finished and, while I’m proud to have the “completion checkmark”, I can’t wait to move on to something else.
It is entirely possible that I am not the target demographic for this novel. Furthermore, I hate to shit on someone’s hard work. Ultimately, I just felt like I was reading someone MySpace blog while they kept trying to convince me that Taking Back Sunday was a rad band.
Read
January 8, 2024made me feel dizzy for days
March 6, 2024
Early reviews of this book praised its haunting portrayal of toxic friendships, beautiful writing, and pop-punk Easter eggs. Personally, I was a bit disappointed. Pros: great title, great premise, and I remained engaged throughout the story. Cons: the writing was meandering. I believe the unconventional style at parts was meant to convey the mental and physical anguish of the main character, but it ended up being too confusing and hard to follow. I also thought the story was anticlimactic. The book kept hinting about an intense event--when that event finally happened, it was glossed over. And, the pop-punk references went right over my head, although I consider myself a music fan and recently read a pop-punk anthology that resonated. In this novel, the deep cuts were too deep. Finally, I wish the characters were more likeable. That would have made this book easier to read, but I understand that's not the point, so I can overlook that.
In summary, I liked the author and hope to see more from them, but I wish there had been a better editor to tighten up the plot and characters and better contextualize the references. The ingredients were there, but the end product didn't gel the way I hoped it would. 2.5 stars.
In summary, I liked the author and hope to see more from them, but I wish there had been a better editor to tighten up the plot and characters and better contextualize the references. The ingredients were there, but the end product didn't gel the way I hoped it would. 2.5 stars.
October 23, 2023
"I Love You So Much It's Killing Us Both" by Mariah Stovall is a thought-provoking, emotional exploration of the interplay between relationship attachment styles and the complexities of love and friendship. Set against the backdrop of Los Angeles and New York City, this coming-of-age narrative introduces us to Khaki, a complex protagonist perpetually trying to disappear into something – be it a codependent friendship, an ill-fated romance, or the punk music scene. She definitely disappeared into Fiona and almost lost herself so it was quite entertaining as a reader to meet Khaki on the cusp of a reunion with Fiona.
At the heart of this story is the deeply complicated, decade-long friendship between Khaki and her former best friend who she's in love with. Both women grapple with avoidant and anxious attachment styles, and this book is an astute exploration of how these styles clash. Khaki and Fiona's platonic love is intense, confusing, and encourages their worst impulses. Yet, their bond is undeniable, and it's this tension between their love and their mutual avoidance of emotional intimacy that forms the core of the narrative.
Khaki's introverted, contemplative nature serves as a lens through which we delve into the intricate dynamics of their relationship. She is equal parts terrified and tempted when Fiona extends an invitation to a party celebrating her newly adopted daughter (yt mom; black adoptee). This reunion forces Khaki to confront her own past, her fears, and the intoxicating memories of their shared interracial relationship history.
The book's title, "I Love You So Much It's Killing Us Both," encapsulates the central theme that love, in its various forms, can simultaneously be a source of healing *and* destruction. Khaki reflects on the passage of time and the evolution of her attachment to Fiona, realizing the difference between "you" and "us." She wrestles with the regret of dedicating years to a relationship that was not conducive to her growth, yet she finds herself rewriting the past through a rosy lens.
The contrast between Khaki and Fiona's mental health struggles is a significant part of their complex relationship. Khaki's desire to live and heal is juxtaposed against Fiona's past wish to die. This poignant dichotomy serves as a stark reminder that two people can love each other deeply and simultaneously be detrimental to each other's well-being.
Stovall's masterful storytelling allows readers to explore the intricacies of attachment styles, the potential for personal growth, and the transformative power of hindsight. "I Love You So Much It's Killing Us Both" is a novel that resonates deeply with those who understand that relationships are not always straightforward, that love is multifaceted, and that, sometimes, we need to confront the past to pave a healthier path for the future. Thank you to the author and publisher for the opportunity to read the e-arc copy!
At the heart of this story is the deeply complicated, decade-long friendship between Khaki and her former best friend who she's in love with. Both women grapple with avoidant and anxious attachment styles, and this book is an astute exploration of how these styles clash. Khaki and Fiona's platonic love is intense, confusing, and encourages their worst impulses. Yet, their bond is undeniable, and it's this tension between their love and their mutual avoidance of emotional intimacy that forms the core of the narrative.
Khaki's introverted, contemplative nature serves as a lens through which we delve into the intricate dynamics of their relationship. She is equal parts terrified and tempted when Fiona extends an invitation to a party celebrating her newly adopted daughter (yt mom; black adoptee). This reunion forces Khaki to confront her own past, her fears, and the intoxicating memories of their shared interracial relationship history.
The book's title, "I Love You So Much It's Killing Us Both," encapsulates the central theme that love, in its various forms, can simultaneously be a source of healing *and* destruction. Khaki reflects on the passage of time and the evolution of her attachment to Fiona, realizing the difference between "you" and "us." She wrestles with the regret of dedicating years to a relationship that was not conducive to her growth, yet she finds herself rewriting the past through a rosy lens.
The contrast between Khaki and Fiona's mental health struggles is a significant part of their complex relationship. Khaki's desire to live and heal is juxtaposed against Fiona's past wish to die. This poignant dichotomy serves as a stark reminder that two people can love each other deeply and simultaneously be detrimental to each other's well-being.
Stovall's masterful storytelling allows readers to explore the intricacies of attachment styles, the potential for personal growth, and the transformative power of hindsight. "I Love You So Much It's Killing Us Both" is a novel that resonates deeply with those who understand that relationships are not always straightforward, that love is multifaceted, and that, sometimes, we need to confront the past to pave a healthier path for the future. Thank you to the author and publisher for the opportunity to read the e-arc copy!
April 3, 2024
I'M GLAD I BORROWED THIS BOOK FROM THE LIBRARY AND DIDN'T BUY IT.
Is there a word for neutrally terrible? I didn't love it but I also didn't hate it outright. It doesn't deserve a 1* but it also doesn't deserve 3+* either. It's boring. The sentences are scattered everywhere, hard to follow, and they don't seem to vary in length the majority of the time leading to readers (me and some friends) getting bored quickly.
This book drones on about nothing. There is no climax. There is no big reveal or plot twist or anything of that sort. All the problems splayed out in the book between Khaki and Fiona or Khaki and some other person is completely glossed over with no consequences.
Every conflict is:
"I can't believe you did that! You completely betrayed me!!"
"You just don't UNDERSTAND me, Khaki!!"
"Okay tell me about that constellation :)"
"Yeah so that one is Orion's Belt :)"
Also, I may not know anything about punk music, but by God does the music part have literally nothing to do with the actual story other than the author wanting to name drop as many artists and bands into a 300 page book. It was like I was trapped in a room with someone telling me I don't know REAL music and I need to listen to THIS band to even understand life. It was almost fanfiction-y. Like, please shut up. I don't need to know about your broken in converse and the band shirt you wear and the fact you growl at people in class.
And, for sure, Khaki has autism. Idk if the author meant to do that but they are completely autistic-coded. (Coming from someone that has autism).
Anyways, yeah. That sure was a book alright.
Is there a word for neutrally terrible? I didn't love it but I also didn't hate it outright. It doesn't deserve a 1* but it also doesn't deserve 3+* either. It's boring. The sentences are scattered everywhere, hard to follow, and they don't seem to vary in length the majority of the time leading to readers (me and some friends) getting bored quickly.
This book drones on about nothing. There is no climax. There is no big reveal or plot twist or anything of that sort. All the problems splayed out in the book between Khaki and Fiona or Khaki and some other person is completely glossed over with no consequences.
Every conflict is:
"I can't believe you did that! You completely betrayed me!!"
"You just don't UNDERSTAND me, Khaki!!"
"Okay tell me about that constellation :)"
"Yeah so that one is Orion's Belt :)"
Also, I may not know anything about punk music, but by God does the music part have literally nothing to do with the actual story other than the author wanting to name drop as many artists and bands into a 300 page book. It was like I was trapped in a room with someone telling me I don't know REAL music and I need to listen to THIS band to even understand life. It was almost fanfiction-y. Like, please shut up. I don't need to know about your broken in converse and the band shirt you wear and the fact you growl at people in class.
And, for sure, Khaki has autism. Idk if the author meant to do that but they are completely autistic-coded. (Coming from someone that has autism).
Anyways, yeah. That sure was a book alright.
May 11, 2024
This didn't work for me. Khaki was hard to care about because I was being bombarded with so much, it became exhausting. I picked this book up to find out about Khaki and Fiona's relationship, but it felt like something in the background. By the time we learn about details of her and Fiona's friendship, I was checked out. I finished because I wanted to see if the story was ever going to go somewhere. It didn't. This should've been a novella or at least way shorter than 300+ pages.
Read
March 20, 2024DNF @ 50%
NPR called this something like "the first truly successful rock novel," but it's really just a grueling play-by-play of a college student's eating disorder. The music references are frustratingly opaque and the plot is just day-in, day-out descriptions of Khaki's miserable experience. The format (long-form annotations on a mixtape) is cool, but easy to miss since the mixtape tracklist itself is in the back of the book.
This was my most anticipated book of 2024 and the buzzy descriptions in the press are unfortunately completely disconnected from the story itself. A big letdown.
NPR called this something like "the first truly successful rock novel," but it's really just a grueling play-by-play of a college student's eating disorder. The music references are frustratingly opaque and the plot is just day-in, day-out descriptions of Khaki's miserable experience. The format (long-form annotations on a mixtape) is cool, but easy to miss since the mixtape tracklist itself is in the back of the book.
This was my most anticipated book of 2024 and the buzzy descriptions in the press are unfortunately completely disconnected from the story itself. A big letdown.
May 19, 2025
“i never wanted a husband. i just wanted a best friend”
heavy. this book will sit with me for years. this is perhaps the first time i have felt physical discomfort from being inside the mind of the protagonist.
heavy. this book will sit with me for years. this is perhaps the first time i have felt physical discomfort from being inside the mind of the protagonist.
April 26, 2024
I begrudgingly finished this bc I bought it. Huge trigger warning for eating disorders. Reads like an obnoxious teen’s Xanga. I know most of the music references and I hated it - which is saying a lot. Kindle formatting of this book is horrendous.
January 14, 2024
With a gift for mapping the inner lives of her characters with precision and intensity, Stovall captures the chaos and confusion of not-quite adulthood. Like the punk rock anthems we refuse to outgrow, I Love You So Much It’s Killing Us Both is the soundtrack to the damage we do to ourselves. It's a raw nerve, a meticulously coded manifesto, the coming of agency novel we’ve been waiting for.
October 1, 2023
one of the most interesting books i’ve read in awhile. a fascinating story of obsession, music, mental illness, friendship, growing up, and what it means to love another person
June 22, 2024
“I wanted to be a slut when I grew up.” - That was the opening line. I was HOOKED. Unfortunately, most of the book didn’t stay on that level. It was a very deep book about eating disorders and enabling friendships. But, with a line like that I mean, I thought I was getting something wildly different.
The jacket spoke about Khaki curating mixtape for her friend, of whom she received an invitation to a baby shower for and hadn’t seen in years. I didn’t see the creation of this mixtape. There were flashbacks of their extremely toxic friendship, sure. But, idk maybe I was taking that creation literally. (There is one at the end) But, what I mean is, like, “this song represents this to our friendship” but I didn’t interpret that in the book. When Khaki went to shows or felt music as a release, she did those things without Fiona. So, idk. They seemed separate.
Also, huge trigger warning about eating disorders because the jacket doesn’t reference them at all and that’s what 99% of this book is about.
“I’ve heard it said that the human brain isn’t capable of reason when it comes to its own behavior, that we’re only masters of realization after the fact.” - loved those lines
The jacket spoke about Khaki curating mixtape for her friend, of whom she received an invitation to a baby shower for and hadn’t seen in years. I didn’t see the creation of this mixtape. There were flashbacks of their extremely toxic friendship, sure. But, idk maybe I was taking that creation literally. (There is one at the end) But, what I mean is, like, “this song represents this to our friendship” but I didn’t interpret that in the book. When Khaki went to shows or felt music as a release, she did those things without Fiona. So, idk. They seemed separate.
Also, huge trigger warning about eating disorders because the jacket doesn’t reference them at all and that’s what 99% of this book is about.
“I’ve heard it said that the human brain isn’t capable of reason when it comes to its own behavior, that we’re only masters of realization after the fact.” - loved those lines
February 14, 2024
What a debut what a debut! Much more to come on this one, but I absolutely treasured my time reading it and loved the references and also the central friendship and also also also the last page made me weepy. What a book!
4.5
4.5
August 31, 2024
An alright read!
I enjoyed the writing style, it felt very flowy if not a bit run-on. I can't say this is the best thing I ever read because it was far more character driven than plot driven and it was a little hard to latch onto character or plot with the non linear narrative.
I don't really have all that much to say about the book: it was engaging enough to be an entertaining read, but not a memorable one. I already barely know what it's about. I didn't get the strongest feel for *why* Khaki was Like That or why she did many of the things she did but I'm not convinced that is the books fault, since it's very possible I didn't pay attention.
I enjoyed the writing style, it felt very flowy if not a bit run-on. I can't say this is the best thing I ever read because it was far more character driven than plot driven and it was a little hard to latch onto character or plot with the non linear narrative.
I don't really have all that much to say about the book: it was engaging enough to be an entertaining read, but not a memorable one. I already barely know what it's about. I didn't get the strongest feel for *why* Khaki was Like That or why she did many of the things she did but I'm not convinced that is the books fault, since it's very possible I didn't pay attention.
May 28, 2024
not for me - I found the writing to be very stiff, and it was often difficult for me to tell what was happening plot wise
April 10, 2025
I thought it was going somewhere just was bleh in the end. I did really relate to Khaki though she’s extremely unlikable. What does that say about me?
May 17, 2024
It’s difficult to describe this book, and so I’m going to keep it short as I know I can’t do it justice.
This explores a multifaceted, complex female friendship that I feel a lot of people could relate to. It submerges and leaves you in a state of haziness, and even though it is obscure at times, you still understand it (or atleast I did). While definitely long-winded and at times almost like a stream of consciousness, I could not stop reading. It’s hard to believe this is Stovall’s debut because the writing is so smooth.
Contrary to what other people seem to think, I thought Stovall had a good balance of main story to music ratio. I saw some criticisms of the music part saying that it felt elitist, which in my opinion is so confusing because I genuinely have no idea where they could’ve gathered that feeling from. Yes, bands are referenced a lot, but that’s because the MC is part of the scene? While I do admit the addition of the music almost feels separated from everything else, it adds a sort of humanness and realism to the story, as the majority of us also enjoy music and have it guide us through life. I listened to the songs provided by section (there's a playlist on Spotify by the author) while reading, and I’d say that really elevated the experience. It gave a movie-like feel, which I think boosts why the author decided to even include this aspect in the first place.
Another thing I saw as a common complaint was the underwhelming ending. While I do agree to an extent, I also think it was an intentional choice that I would get further into, but I’d probably be entering spoiler territory. So I’m half and half on the ending choice.
I will give a fair warning to anyone who is triggered by eating disorder content, as a large part of the story is actually about this, even though it’s not mentioned in the synopsis or anywhere at the start of the book. So please proceed with caution, or just skip this all together if it’s too distressing.
All I know is that I’m glad I got this book (the average rating makes me a little sad), and I’m sure it will stay with me for a while. Also this has one of the prettiest covers I’ve ever seen.
This explores a multifaceted, complex female friendship that I feel a lot of people could relate to. It submerges and leaves you in a state of haziness, and even though it is obscure at times, you still understand it (or atleast I did). While definitely long-winded and at times almost like a stream of consciousness, I could not stop reading. It’s hard to believe this is Stovall’s debut because the writing is so smooth.
Contrary to what other people seem to think, I thought Stovall had a good balance of main story to music ratio. I saw some criticisms of the music part saying that it felt elitist, which in my opinion is so confusing because I genuinely have no idea where they could’ve gathered that feeling from. Yes, bands are referenced a lot, but that’s because the MC is part of the scene? While I do admit the addition of the music almost feels separated from everything else, it adds a sort of humanness and realism to the story, as the majority of us also enjoy music and have it guide us through life. I listened to the songs provided by section (there's a playlist on Spotify by the author) while reading, and I’d say that really elevated the experience. It gave a movie-like feel, which I think boosts why the author decided to even include this aspect in the first place.
Another thing I saw as a common complaint was the underwhelming ending. While I do agree to an extent, I also think it was an intentional choice that I would get further into, but I’d probably be entering spoiler territory. So I’m half and half on the ending choice.
I will give a fair warning to anyone who is triggered by eating disorder content, as a large part of the story is actually about this, even though it’s not mentioned in the synopsis or anywhere at the start of the book. So please proceed with caution, or just skip this all together if it’s too distressing.
All I know is that I’m glad I got this book (the average rating makes me a little sad), and I’m sure it will stay with me for a while. Also this has one of the prettiest covers I’ve ever seen.
February 12, 2024
I loved the writing style in I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT’S KILLING US BOTH: a novel, or an annotated mixtape by Mariah Stovall! This novel is about a young woman, Khaki Oliver, who reminisces about her intense friendship with Fiona and her time at college while getting into the punk music scene. I found Khaki’s character very compelling, sad and obsessive. These women obsessed characters I’ve been reading lately have been extraordinary! I loved all the music references in this book (even though I didn’t know them all) and how Khaki would go to concerts alone and how her love of music became such a big part of her identity. I enjoyed the exploration of her relationships both platonic and romantic. There was one section where Khaki spirals and it’s written beautifully as if her mind is on the page. And I loved the inclusion of Khaki’s mixtape!! After first reading and really enjoying Stovall’s short story in Black Punk Now and reading this her debut novel I’m excited to continue to read her work. Both fictions featured great female protagonists!
Thank you to Soft Skull Press for my gifted review copy!
Thank you to Soft Skull Press for my gifted review copy!
March 9, 2024
I did this book justice on my blog. Read the full review there: https://www.introtoeclecticism.com/bo...
February 11, 2024
Look. This book was so up my alley. It really gave me all the feels I could feel.
I would imagine that because I listen to this music, lived in Philly for most of my life (yes, during college) and understand the “scene” - I had some bit of nostalgia (and I actually hate nostalgia) for what she was writing about. No, I’m not black. Yes, I am a woman.
There was a lot here to unpack. Mental health, feminism, boundaries of friendship, sexual identity, assault and exploration. And all so perfectly written. Stovall is a young author but really excited for what she has to bring to the table because she is wise beyond her years.
Also the playlist. Come on. Chefs kiss
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3IE...
I would imagine that because I listen to this music, lived in Philly for most of my life (yes, during college) and understand the “scene” - I had some bit of nostalgia (and I actually hate nostalgia) for what she was writing about. No, I’m not black. Yes, I am a woman.
There was a lot here to unpack. Mental health, feminism, boundaries of friendship, sexual identity, assault and exploration. And all so perfectly written. Stovall is a young author but really excited for what she has to bring to the table because she is wise beyond her years.
Also the playlist. Come on. Chefs kiss
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3IE...
May 27, 2024
This was disappointing :(. I was excited because of the Jawbreaker title, and the promise of pop punk references, and the coming of age story. The writing was good, but I was left wanting. Most of the book was really boring and nothing really happens and I couldn’t really tell what was going on. I don’t need an exciting plot, but the inner thoughts of the protagonist were lacking. Mostly the book described what it was like to live with and love someone with an eating disorder and I felt kind of uneasy. There was a lot of suffering, but for what? If I want to read about endless suffering with no clear resolution or takeaways I’ll just watch the news.
January 25, 2025
unfortunately disliked overall. no character development at all. pretentious to the umpteenth degree. obscure musical references bored me. insufferable protagonist with an insufferable friend in an insufferable toxic relationship that never ended even when it did.
i will say there were snippets of beautifully articulated feelings from the main character that i did heavily relate to, but it was so few and far between. anyway, read at your own discretion.
i will say there were snippets of beautifully articulated feelings from the main character that i did heavily relate to, but it was so few and far between. anyway, read at your own discretion.
March 31, 2024
lit fic is so hit or miss for me but other than the premise and the title this was a big fat miss. a few deep cut punk references piqued my interest but the writing felt mostly incoherent. maybe i just wasn't the right audience
April 20, 2025
I could spend the rest of my life handcuffed to her. I would do whatever it took to laugh at something unfunny that only we understood, to miss a green light because I was watching her instead of the road.
3.5 stars. I don't really know what to think of this book, and I don't know if I really have a review in me. It's wonderfully written, 9/10 prose, weird and upsetting in ways that really appeal to me. But it's also confusing (intentionally so) with a protagonist that you'll probably have a lot of trouble with, and it's just plain upsetting in ways that are not so great. For me. There were several times when I paused to be like, 'Laura, you should probably DNF.' This book made me FEEL bad. It also didn't help that I came into it with slightly wrong expectations? I thought there was going to be, like, dykery on page. Not implied dykery. I'd have probably also enjoyed this more if it had been linear? Although, no, I take that back. A linear version of this book would be a completely different book, and it wouldn't really work. I don't know. Something about this book felt hostile to me, but I loved the writing, and I didn't want to stop reading. We explore blackness and mental illness and friendship and fandom and first love. Music and the punk scene go hand in hand with the book, and I know there's a soundtrack that goes along with Khaki's writing and remembrances. I didn't listen to it, because this was mostly an audiobook read, and I didn't know when and where to pause to look up the songs. I think there's a possibility that I could like this more upon a reread where I actually do tandem read with the music, but the thought of re-experiencing this book is making my stomach knot up. That's not a bad thing! I don't think. Man, this certainly was a book. It gave me what I always crave out of books about obsession and codependency. But it also wasn't a romance, which is what would have made it excel, imo. (Though I guess it can be argued that a devastating friendship like this is just as hard-hitting.)
Listened to the audiobook as read by Trei Taylor, and I did like it. I enjoy this narrator's voice a lot, though there were some instances of words pronounced weirdly, or inappropriate pauses and pacing. I have to say, there was a section that was pretty much just a recitation of numbers, and that alone made the audiobook worth it. I can imagine that if reading it, my eyes would have just glazed over the numbers, skipped to the parts where there were words to be read. But like this, I had to listen to every single number, hear the changes in inflection and tone. She sounded downright anguished at times, and I wouldn't have gotten that, just reading myself. So I enjoyed that.
I don't think I've actually SAID anything about the book in this review. I don't know what to say! What a book.
Content warnings:
No, it would never end. God was a place where you were always kept waiting.
February 28, 2024
this is by far the best read i have had so far this year.
we follow the relationship between khaki oliver and her friend fiona. this book heavily tackles eating disorders, mental health, codependency, friendship, womanhood, obsession, and so much more.
the characters were dynamic and fascinating. i found myself hooked on every word when they were spiraling and constantly trying to rationalize their thinking.
khaki's relationships with the men in her life were dizzying, with any of her relationships being shadowed and affected by fionas presence. i really wish we had gotten to see more of her friendship and its progression with her friend in California (i cannot for the life of me remember his name lol). their relationship was so intriguing.
this was nearly a 5-star read for me; it only went down a star because, towards the end, I felt things had gone on a bit longer than they needed! such a strong debut from this author, I'm anxious to read more from her!
we follow the relationship between khaki oliver and her friend fiona. this book heavily tackles eating disorders, mental health, codependency, friendship, womanhood, obsession, and so much more.
the characters were dynamic and fascinating. i found myself hooked on every word when they were spiraling and constantly trying to rationalize their thinking.
khaki's relationships with the men in her life were dizzying, with any of her relationships being shadowed and affected by fionas presence. i really wish we had gotten to see more of her friendship and its progression with her friend in California (i cannot for the life of me remember his name lol). their relationship was so intriguing.
this was nearly a 5-star read for me; it only went down a star because, towards the end, I felt things had gone on a bit longer than they needed! such a strong debut from this author, I'm anxious to read more from her!
August 3, 2024
Named for the Jawbreaker song, Mariah Stovall’s debut sets a story of all-consuming obsession against the backdrop of the 2010s indie punk scene. The fact that this novel is an “annotated mixtape” easily could be missed; the footnotes for each song could be mistaken for ordinary chapter numbers, and the track list is hidden at the end of the novel. Maybe Stovall wanted to avoid alienating those not familiar with a niche music scene, but foregrounding the music could have added more color and context to this claustrophobic story of a codependent friendship.
More at https://open.substack.com/pub/crisiso...
More at https://open.substack.com/pub/crisiso...
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