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Rescuing Julia Twice: A Mother's Tale of Russian Adoption and Overcoming Reactive Attachment Disorder
2015 IPPY Award Silver Medalist in the Parenting Category
In moving and refreshingly candid prose, Rescuing Julia Twice tells Traster’s foreign-ado<!--? prefix = st1 ns = "" /-->ption story, from dealing with the bleak landscape and inscrutable adoption handlers in Siberia, to her feelings of inexperience and ambivalence at being a new mother in her early forties, to her growing realization over months then years that something was “not quite right” with her daughter, Julia, who remained cold and emotionally detached. Why wouldn’t she look her parents in the eye or accept their embraces? Why didn’t she cry when she got hurt? Why didn’t she make friends at school? Traster describes how uncertainty turned to despair as she blamed herself and her mothering skills for her daughter’s troublesome behavioral issues, until she came to understand that Julia suffered from reactive attachment disorder, a serious condition associated with infants and young children who have been neglected, abused, or orphaned in infancy. <!--? prefix = o ns = "" /--> Hoping to help lift the veil of secrecy and shame that too often surrounds parents struggling with attachment issues, Traster describes how with work, commitment, and acceptance, she and her husband have been able to close the gulf between them and their daughter to form a loving bond, and concludes by providing practical advice, strategies, and resources for parents and caregivers.
In moving and refreshingly candid prose, Rescuing Julia Twice tells Traster’s foreign-ado<!--? prefix = st1 ns = "" /-->ption story, from dealing with the bleak landscape and inscrutable adoption handlers in Siberia, to her feelings of inexperience and ambivalence at being a new mother in her early forties, to her growing realization over months then years that something was “not quite right” with her daughter, Julia, who remained cold and emotionally detached. Why wouldn’t she look her parents in the eye or accept their embraces? Why didn’t she cry when she got hurt? Why didn’t she make friends at school? Traster describes how uncertainty turned to despair as she blamed herself and her mothering skills for her daughter’s troublesome behavioral issues, until she came to understand that Julia suffered from reactive attachment disorder, a serious condition associated with infants and young children who have been neglected, abused, or orphaned in infancy. <!--? prefix = o ns = "" /--> Hoping to help lift the veil of secrecy and shame that too often surrounds parents struggling with attachment issues, Traster describes how with work, commitment, and acceptance, she and her husband have been able to close the gulf between them and their daughter to form a loving bond, and concludes by providing practical advice, strategies, and resources for parents and caregivers.
264 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2014
17 people are currently reading
444 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 40 reviews
June 28, 2014
Wow. This book reads like a What Not To Do as an Adoptive Parent guide:
1) Don't resolve your infertility issues before you adopt.
2) Don't research adoption or adoptive parenting before you adopt.
3) Loathe your child's home country.
4) Let your own issues get in the way of meeting your adopted child's fundamental needs.
5) Don't take referrals for a RAD therapist from your doctor because you are in denial.
6) Don't acknowledge your kid's RAD for years because you are so insecure and have issues with your own parents.
7) Once you decide your kid has RAD, treat them with information you gathered from the internet. Do not seek professional therapy.
8) Get professional therapy for issues with your mom, but not your kid.
9) Refuse to do the mandatory post-placement reports for your child's home country.
10) DON'T TELL YOUR CHILD SHE IS ADOPTED UNTIL SHE IS FIVE. I mean SERIOUSLY, who could possibly think that is a good idea?
11) Write a book with your kid's photo on the cover talking about what a mess you are as a parent and detailing her psychological issues, while patting yourself on the back for not revealing too much information that might stigmatize her to her teachers.
This book was a trainwreck.
1) Don't resolve your infertility issues before you adopt.
2) Don't research adoption or adoptive parenting before you adopt.
3) Loathe your child's home country.
4) Let your own issues get in the way of meeting your adopted child's fundamental needs.
5) Don't take referrals for a RAD therapist from your doctor because you are in denial.
6) Don't acknowledge your kid's RAD for years because you are so insecure and have issues with your own parents.
7) Once you decide your kid has RAD, treat them with information you gathered from the internet. Do not seek professional therapy.
8) Get professional therapy for issues with your mom, but not your kid.
9) Refuse to do the mandatory post-placement reports for your child's home country.
10) DON'T TELL YOUR CHILD SHE IS ADOPTED UNTIL SHE IS FIVE. I mean SERIOUSLY, who could possibly think that is a good idea?
11) Write a book with your kid's photo on the cover talking about what a mess you are as a parent and detailing her psychological issues, while patting yourself on the back for not revealing too much information that might stigmatize her to her teachers.
This book was a trainwreck.
July 2, 2014
The prose draws you in. I wanted to be with her at every step... but then she kept taking missteps and stepping on people, especially Julia. So I was saddened by this book.
I don't know how else to say this, but my heart goes out to this adolescent. Her mother tells Julia's life story and personal details to the world. To me this is unacceptable. It is a hurtful violation of the parent child relationship. It is Julia's story to tell.
It was hard to find Julia in all of this because she was described by a mother who obviously couldn't connect or bond to her. All we learned about Julia was that she was a beautiful baby and other than that -- she caused problems for Tina. Why? Because she didn't behave the way that Traster expected her to. In the end, Tina is happy because Julia "performs" well. But what about love and appreciation for a child simply because she is who she is? None of that for Julia, it's all about Tina.
How was it possible that Traster couldn't understand, even before she went to Siberia, that adoption IS a trauma for the child? One need not get involved in the whole "RAD" issue to realize that any adopted child will have emotional challenges with adjustment and attaching. What Traser did not want to look at was her own difficulties. Just because she described her upsets does not mean that she explored her own inability to attach. This was all Julia's problem (fault).
Why couldn't Traster get herself to read about childcare or international adoption? In the book Traster says her gut reaction was not to read about it because she got annoyed watching others "helicopter parenting." This reasoning makes no sense. It's like saying: "I won't read important information about my first trip to far off Bhutan. Why? Because I get annoyed when other people over-pack." I knew at that point in the book that Traster's views were warped.
There are some funny points too. Traster enjoys metaphors and similies-- maybe a little too much. So I laughed when she described a crowd of folks spreading out on a lawn as a "fungal mushroom." Mushrooms are fungi! That's about all the humor we'll find here.
Still, Traster does write well. Perhaps she might consider writing a book about how she saved her old farm house. Unlike Julia's adoption, that would, indeed, be a true rescue.
I don't know how else to say this, but my heart goes out to this adolescent. Her mother tells Julia's life story and personal details to the world. To me this is unacceptable. It is a hurtful violation of the parent child relationship. It is Julia's story to tell.
It was hard to find Julia in all of this because she was described by a mother who obviously couldn't connect or bond to her. All we learned about Julia was that she was a beautiful baby and other than that -- she caused problems for Tina. Why? Because she didn't behave the way that Traster expected her to. In the end, Tina is happy because Julia "performs" well. But what about love and appreciation for a child simply because she is who she is? None of that for Julia, it's all about Tina.
How was it possible that Traster couldn't understand, even before she went to Siberia, that adoption IS a trauma for the child? One need not get involved in the whole "RAD" issue to realize that any adopted child will have emotional challenges with adjustment and attaching. What Traser did not want to look at was her own difficulties. Just because she described her upsets does not mean that she explored her own inability to attach. This was all Julia's problem (fault).
Why couldn't Traster get herself to read about childcare or international adoption? In the book Traster says her gut reaction was not to read about it because she got annoyed watching others "helicopter parenting." This reasoning makes no sense. It's like saying: "I won't read important information about my first trip to far off Bhutan. Why? Because I get annoyed when other people over-pack." I knew at that point in the book that Traster's views were warped.
There are some funny points too. Traster enjoys metaphors and similies-- maybe a little too much. So I laughed when she described a crowd of folks spreading out on a lawn as a "fungal mushroom." Mushrooms are fungi! That's about all the humor we'll find here.
Still, Traster does write well. Perhaps she might consider writing a book about how she saved her old farm house. Unlike Julia's adoption, that would, indeed, be a true rescue.
June 27, 2014
I too was in the Russian adoption program and received all the required training which includes extensive information about attachment and how to attach to children in late babyhood. How anyone could go through this training (mandatory with all Russian adoptions) and remain so ignorent and careless on this subject is truly the amazing thing about this book.
I wanted to feel sympathy for Traser but at every turn she seems more focused on herself than her child. I am not an advocate for selfless motherhood - moms need time to themselves and their needs must be met as well - however, when you have a child that clearly has an issue, most of us are lazer focused on finding solution. Not Traser. Not for years. And even when she finally gets to that point she doesn't seek professional attention but instead makes her own diagnosis.
Adoption is difficult and challenging and no one knows that better than the adoption community but, I for one, cannot recommend this book for any reason except as a manual on what not to do to attach to your child.
I wanted to feel sympathy for Traser but at every turn she seems more focused on herself than her child. I am not an advocate for selfless motherhood - moms need time to themselves and their needs must be met as well - however, when you have a child that clearly has an issue, most of us are lazer focused on finding solution. Not Traser. Not for years. And even when she finally gets to that point she doesn't seek professional attention but instead makes her own diagnosis.
Adoption is difficult and challenging and no one knows that better than the adoption community but, I for one, cannot recommend this book for any reason except as a manual on what not to do to attach to your child.
October 8, 2015
The family chose not to get therapy or professional help so their daughter wouldn't have records following her around the rest of her life, but then mom writes a novel about it? That is just weird to me. The book was a quick read but some of the advice seems off to me. I also dislike the title, it seems to convey that she was saved because she was adopted by this family.
November 21, 2014
Hmm...mixed feelings about this book. The Russian adoption process and travel part felt true, and some of the RAD info. but geez, this lady. Didn't do post placement reports--which is part of what you agree to do when you adopt from Russia and by not doing them, she did not do any future prospective adopting parents any favors. Also, not sure her motivation for writing the book and I have concerns about privacy/ the future for her adoptive daughter thanks to her mother sharing all her history. Also I'm personally not big on "rescued twice" concept.
( As a side note--I also lent this book to my mother to read and boy, did she have strong opinions about the writer and her mothering motives/instinct. :)
( As a side note--I also lent this book to my mother to read and boy, did she have strong opinions about the writer and her mothering motives/instinct. :)
July 28, 2014
Adventures in narcissism.
October 4, 2015
This was a fairly good book, but I felt like the proportions were off. The first two thirds of the book were all about figuring out that her daughter has Reactive Attachment Disorder, and the last third spanned six years and ended with "but we mostly fixed it, so she's attached now." But I would have liked one third on the discovery and two thirds on the process of fixing it, which I'm sure was not easy. The first two thirds of the book really dragged, especially the middle third, which was basically over and over again "we think she has RAD or attachment issues! I don't feel connected!" And the last third felt very glossed over.
November 10, 2017
It was enormously brave of the author to bring us into her home, her marriage, and her parenting like this. I didn’t always agree with her analysis or her actions, but I feel the same way about my friends, or myself in retrospect - I think we all do.
In the end, I felt invested in the author’s success in feeling close to her daughter. It brought me to tears.
I am grateful to her for writing this. It is important to share these stories, for parents of children with attachment disorders, for people who struggle with attachment disorders themselves, and for the general public seeking to understand.
In the end, I felt invested in the author’s success in feeling close to her daughter. It brought me to tears.
I am grateful to her for writing this. It is important to share these stories, for parents of children with attachment disorders, for people who struggle with attachment disorders themselves, and for the general public seeking to understand.
June 11, 2017
This is an important book, because adoption is important, as is going into it with eyes wide open to the challenges on the horizon. I commend Tina Traster for the work she has done in building her family, and for being brave enough to share her experience. There is still far too great a stigma surrounding adopted children, who desperately need the love people are afraid to give them; so I'm grateful she is at least willing to talk about it.
That being said, there is a lot wrong with this book. The summary promises a detailed look at how she and her husband grappled with RAD and worked to connect with their daughter, but this makes up less than a third of the book. What Traster does elaborate on is spending years deliberately avoiding any information regarding RAD, then wondering why things aren't going as she expected and martyring herself on every page. The first two sections could have just as easily been written in three words: "Woe is me." Obviously strong emotions are inevitable when facing such a situation, but if you are preparing to adopt a child, I would hope you have the courage and mental stamina to educate yourself and use that education from the get-go. It is clear that Traster still had plenty to work out for herself at the time this book was published. Nothing wrong with that, but it seems to me that she hasn't answered enough of her own questions to provide much wisdom to the rest of us.
That being said, there is a lot wrong with this book. The summary promises a detailed look at how she and her husband grappled with RAD and worked to connect with their daughter, but this makes up less than a third of the book. What Traster does elaborate on is spending years deliberately avoiding any information regarding RAD, then wondering why things aren't going as she expected and martyring herself on every page. The first two sections could have just as easily been written in three words: "Woe is me." Obviously strong emotions are inevitable when facing such a situation, but if you are preparing to adopt a child, I would hope you have the courage and mental stamina to educate yourself and use that education from the get-go. It is clear that Traster still had plenty to work out for herself at the time this book was published. Nothing wrong with that, but it seems to me that she hasn't answered enough of her own questions to provide much wisdom to the rest of us.
November 11, 2017
RAD is terrible. It seems like hell while you are living through it. It feels like it will never end. While at some times, I wanted to sympathize with the author, sometimes her hesitancy of what to do as a mother seemed tragic. However, hindsight is 20/20 as they say and the best laid plans can be easily foiled by mental illness. I'm about halfway through and although I can see opportunities where the author could have potentially been a more assertive mother, but who's to say that had she done everything within her power, anything would have been any different.
this book is mostly about adoption from Russia, however, it is more common in foster or adopted kids than you would think. and it's a scary disorder.... one kids don't just outgrow. and as kids get older, their symptoms get more severe and less treatable. never judge a parent with a RAD child... unless you yourself have been there. and then, of course, you would not judge because you know.
this book is mostly about adoption from Russia, however, it is more common in foster or adopted kids than you would think. and it's a scary disorder.... one kids don't just outgrow. and as kids get older, their symptoms get more severe and less treatable. never judge a parent with a RAD child... unless you yourself have been there. and then, of course, you would not judge because you know.
October 23, 2018
Very helpful insights. Very Truthful!
Very good and helpful insights into what it is like to raise children with Reactive Attachment Disorder. I would read this book and then ask someone, who you would like to understand, to read it so that they can have some kind of idea what you are going through when raising children with special needs. Very happy to have found this book. Every child will have slightly different criteria that makes them different but, Tina Traster has provided some really useful tools.
Very good and helpful insights into what it is like to raise children with Reactive Attachment Disorder. I would read this book and then ask someone, who you would like to understand, to read it so that they can have some kind of idea what you are going through when raising children with special needs. Very happy to have found this book. Every child will have slightly different criteria that makes them different but, Tina Traster has provided some really useful tools.
December 19, 2019
This memoir is realistic and hopeful. I was expecting something more focused on Julia, her behaviors, and how the parents dealt with that. But that really doesn't come till the last fifty pages, which is illuminating.
August 25, 2017
Well written, good story, would recommend if you are interested in any of the issues it is about.
March 12, 2017
The writing was coherent and the book well-structured, which was the only reason this got any stars. It's disgusting that the author would diagnose her child with a serious psychiatric disorder, but refuse all opportunities for professional help. No one with a license actually diagnosed this child, but her mother decided to write an entire book about how she successfully "treated" her daughter's "Reactive Attachment Disorder." The fact that the title was about "Rescuing Julia" should have tipped me off that this woman is determined to see herself as a savior.
To be clear, RAD is a real disorder that is no fault of the child's, and professional help should also be sought. Of course, the author's child was never violent or destructive, so her "RAD" couldn't have been one of the more severe forms. But since the author intentionally avoided reading about adoption before she actually did it, and has no psychology background, it's understandable that she would think her story was exceptional and worthy of a memoir.
A few excerpts that made me want to vomit:
"I emphasize to Julia (as does everyone around her) how lucky she truly is." This is from the epilogue and included in advice for handling a child with "RAD." I can't imagine anything crueler than repeatedly telling a child who lost their first family, culture, home, and language, that they are lucky!
Traster writes that she felt "indifferent" to her daughter from the beginning, and that her husband had more "maternal instincts" than she ever did. She even speculates that her infertility was due to the fact that she wasn't confident they could afford to raise a child. After all these admissions, the second segment of the memoir is titled "Sometimes These Kids Are Not Alright," as if Julia is solely responsible for her attachment problems.
"If she were in perilous danger, would I save her...? I don't know." Imagine how Julia will feel when she's reading this as an adult: her mother used to wonder if she would even bother saving her life! Perhaps many other parents have had this struggle, but as a foster parent, I never questioned whether I would save my children- even on their first day in my home. It's not about attachment, it's about caring for children, period.
"She can't be replaced. I can't have another kid. We can't afford to adopt another kid. There are no second chances." She means to frame this as the beginning of her attachment to Julia, but it makes her sound like a commodity. As if she might have dissolved the adoption if it had been easy to get another child. How heartbreaking for adopted children who may pick up this book and wonder if their own parents "accepted" them for the same reasons.
The adoption agency repeatedly requests follow-up reports, but the Trasters refuse to submit them. They keep the adoption a secret from Julia until she asks a direct question- that's Adoption 101 mistakes right there. And almost immediately upon returning to the States, Traster has hired a nanny and then puts Julia in 9-5 daycare which she admits is reminiscent of the orphanage. I wouldn't judge a parent for doing any one of these things - you do what you must for your family - but don't right a book as if you're an adoption expert when you're literally going against most professionals' advice.
This should never have been published while Julia was a minor. I can only imagine how this will affect her as she matures and understands that her journalist mother played psychologist with her and then wrote a book about it for anyone in the world to read.
To be clear, RAD is a real disorder that is no fault of the child's, and professional help should also be sought. Of course, the author's child was never violent or destructive, so her "RAD" couldn't have been one of the more severe forms. But since the author intentionally avoided reading about adoption before she actually did it, and has no psychology background, it's understandable that she would think her story was exceptional and worthy of a memoir.
A few excerpts that made me want to vomit:
"I emphasize to Julia (as does everyone around her) how lucky she truly is." This is from the epilogue and included in advice for handling a child with "RAD." I can't imagine anything crueler than repeatedly telling a child who lost their first family, culture, home, and language, that they are lucky!
Traster writes that she felt "indifferent" to her daughter from the beginning, and that her husband had more "maternal instincts" than she ever did. She even speculates that her infertility was due to the fact that she wasn't confident they could afford to raise a child. After all these admissions, the second segment of the memoir is titled "Sometimes These Kids Are Not Alright," as if Julia is solely responsible for her attachment problems.
"If she were in perilous danger, would I save her...? I don't know." Imagine how Julia will feel when she's reading this as an adult: her mother used to wonder if she would even bother saving her life! Perhaps many other parents have had this struggle, but as a foster parent, I never questioned whether I would save my children- even on their first day in my home. It's not about attachment, it's about caring for children, period.
"She can't be replaced. I can't have another kid. We can't afford to adopt another kid. There are no second chances." She means to frame this as the beginning of her attachment to Julia, but it makes her sound like a commodity. As if she might have dissolved the adoption if it had been easy to get another child. How heartbreaking for adopted children who may pick up this book and wonder if their own parents "accepted" them for the same reasons.
The adoption agency repeatedly requests follow-up reports, but the Trasters refuse to submit them. They keep the adoption a secret from Julia until she asks a direct question- that's Adoption 101 mistakes right there. And almost immediately upon returning to the States, Traster has hired a nanny and then puts Julia in 9-5 daycare which she admits is reminiscent of the orphanage. I wouldn't judge a parent for doing any one of these things - you do what you must for your family - but don't right a book as if you're an adoption expert when you're literally going against most professionals' advice.
This should never have been published while Julia was a minor. I can only imagine how this will affect her as she matures and understands that her journalist mother played psychologist with her and then wrote a book about it for anyone in the world to read.
May 18, 2020
Tina Traster shares her story of Russian adoption and some of the sequelae from that event.
She is pretty transparent about her feelings of ambiguity about the entire adoption process, her difficulty in bonding with her child, her conflicted interactions with her mother, and her dependence on her husband. She's also pretty clear about her early days warnings about potential risk for a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), as well as determined efforts to ignore the risks and warnings.
As has been previously observed, much of the book is given to her dawning realization, and very little to the care they provided and "rescue" attempts they made after realizing what they were dealing with. Maybe this is because she realized that those choices and actions are personal and private, and not necessarily a road map for others to follow.
I saw quite a few negative reactions to her story in the reader comments. I guess reaction to this book could depend on expectations, personal experience, and the reality that there is no faster way to judge and condemn someone than the way they parent.
I think it was gutsy for her to be so honest about her conflicted feelings. Some have criticized her for being so open about this while her child is still a minor. I don't know if this matters? Wouldn't Julia be aware by now that this is a condition that she is living with? There is no value judgment - it's not a choice Julia made. It's the circumstance of her birth and early months of life. It has the potential to influence Julia throughout her life. If parents should be open that Julia was adopted, shouldn't they likewise be open about her diagnosis?
I wanted more about what they did to help her. As previously said, I think I can understand why she might not have said much about this part.
I can understand that the parents would research and research and not necessarily seek professional help, even if it isn't what I would have done myself. This isn't like cancer, where there is a specific medical treatment that can only be obtained in a specific setting. It's a mental and behavioral condition. There may be medications that help (I don't know), and Julia may be on them, but if most of what is needed is also behavioral, a professional can coach, but parents are the ones in the trenches. Maybe these are parents that read and study (eventually).
She is pretty transparent about her feelings of ambiguity about the entire adoption process, her difficulty in bonding with her child, her conflicted interactions with her mother, and her dependence on her husband. She's also pretty clear about her early days warnings about potential risk for a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), as well as determined efforts to ignore the risks and warnings.
As has been previously observed, much of the book is given to her dawning realization, and very little to the care they provided and "rescue" attempts they made after realizing what they were dealing with. Maybe this is because she realized that those choices and actions are personal and private, and not necessarily a road map for others to follow.
I saw quite a few negative reactions to her story in the reader comments. I guess reaction to this book could depend on expectations, personal experience, and the reality that there is no faster way to judge and condemn someone than the way they parent.
I think it was gutsy for her to be so honest about her conflicted feelings. Some have criticized her for being so open about this while her child is still a minor. I don't know if this matters? Wouldn't Julia be aware by now that this is a condition that she is living with? There is no value judgment - it's not a choice Julia made. It's the circumstance of her birth and early months of life. It has the potential to influence Julia throughout her life. If parents should be open that Julia was adopted, shouldn't they likewise be open about her diagnosis?
I wanted more about what they did to help her. As previously said, I think I can understand why she might not have said much about this part.
I can understand that the parents would research and research and not necessarily seek professional help, even if it isn't what I would have done myself. This isn't like cancer, where there is a specific medical treatment that can only be obtained in a specific setting. It's a mental and behavioral condition. There may be medications that help (I don't know), and Julia may be on them, but if most of what is needed is also behavioral, a professional can coach, but parents are the ones in the trenches. Maybe these are parents that read and study (eventually).
November 24, 2019
For one, this is terrible. Why? Just read the reviews, any person who has a sane mind knows this is not how you should do adoption. Not how you do parenting or have a child.
I know this persons child, ended up growing up to not wanting to be called Julia, as well as not even knowing this story existed. This person is a Karen. What's a Karen? A self entitled woman who thinks that everything revolves around them, their problems and their needs. This woman does not deserve an award for this story, and she does not deserve to sit there and say "Woe is me" when her child is sending her all the signals of need, psychological and physical need. Do not force an adopted child to do your whims. They have their own past, it is up to you to give them a better life. Do not adopt when you do not do extensive planning and research beforehand.
I am adopted myself, not from Russia, but from China. I have a ton of psychological trauma, if I was your child, everything you put them through would make anyone reject you.
I know this persons child, ended up growing up to not wanting to be called Julia, as well as not even knowing this story existed. This person is a Karen. What's a Karen? A self entitled woman who thinks that everything revolves around them, their problems and their needs. This woman does not deserve an award for this story, and she does not deserve to sit there and say "Woe is me" when her child is sending her all the signals of need, psychological and physical need. Do not force an adopted child to do your whims. They have their own past, it is up to you to give them a better life. Do not adopt when you do not do extensive planning and research beforehand.
I am adopted myself, not from Russia, but from China. I have a ton of psychological trauma, if I was your child, everything you put them through would make anyone reject you.
August 10, 2020
This was a well written recount from a mama’s perspective... I found the adoption process and the intricacies of RAD quite interesting. I want to say it was quite honest but I felt like there was a lot going on that wasn’t resolved. Like, she knew something was off and difficult with her daughter but didn’t look into it (or a possible solution) until she saw the worst case scenario on TV, even though several different trusted people in her life (including the paediatrician) mentioned it.
It felt like Julia had to wait until Tina was in a good place before she got help that improved her quality of life. It felt weird to me that Tina wasn’t in therapy (or using other outlets) to resolve all her feels about adoption/infertility, or the huge transition to being a new parent.
Also, I didn’t understand why they didn’t even consult with RAD experts, and instead went it alone? She mentions that there both highly educated people with drive, which I understand, but wouldn’t you also want to talk to experts in the field? Reading books from multiple different bookstores doesn’t make you an expert, you know??
I also thought there would be more on how they managed RAD, but it came as a series of short howtwos in the book, rather than as part of the narrative, which felt off.
Still, I enjoyed the book and I’m glad there was a happy-ish ending.
It felt like Julia had to wait until Tina was in a good place before she got help that improved her quality of life. It felt weird to me that Tina wasn’t in therapy (or using other outlets) to resolve all her feels about adoption/infertility, or the huge transition to being a new parent.
Also, I didn’t understand why they didn’t even consult with RAD experts, and instead went it alone? She mentions that there both highly educated people with drive, which I understand, but wouldn’t you also want to talk to experts in the field? Reading books from multiple different bookstores doesn’t make you an expert, you know??
I also thought there would be more on how they managed RAD, but it came as a series of short howtwos in the book, rather than as part of the narrative, which felt off.
Still, I enjoyed the book and I’m glad there was a happy-ish ending.
December 12, 2016
Very moving description of the amazing, wonderful, confusing, mind-binding process of international adoption and coming to terms with attachment challenges. I found it comforting and validating to know that I'm not the only one who has a hard time finding the joy in parenting a tough kid, and was happy to see that she, too, started to figure things out. I do wish that the book had devoted more pages to how she actually helped her daughter. It began to feel a bit rushed once she had the realization that attachment was the label she needed. More description of her efforts to forge a healthy attachment with daughter, what worked and what didn't, the day-to-day experiences of living it, the people who helped and advised, etc. would have been interesting to read. That part of the book felt unfinished and isn't comparable to the lengthy and beautiful descriptions of the earlier phase of her mothering journey.
June 23, 2016
Informative. Being a child from a Russian orphanage, myself, It rings very true to the experience of raising a child with RAD. I kept thinking, yes my own mom could have written this book. However, I gave it 3 stars because it felt like a lot of the book was filled with wallowing and self depreciation, which annoyed me at times and seemed repetitive. I also thought it took a long time for her to really start talking about the disorder. But great start to any parent wondering what it may feel like after adopting internationally. I wish my mom had this 2 decades ago when there was virtually no knowledge of the disorder.
September 12, 2019
Loved this
What a great writer and a difficult topic. As a foster parent this was very helpful. Best of luck to mom and Julia.
What a great writer and a difficult topic. As a foster parent this was very helpful. Best of luck to mom and Julia.
June 6, 2014
I am so happy that Tina Traster offered me the chance to read and review this important story of her daughter’s adoption from Russia (Siberia, to be precise) and the family’s struggle with Reactive Attachment Disorder.
Let me start by explaining why this subject resonates with me, and why I was excited to read this book.
I have long been an advocate of “Attachment Parenting,” which sometimes receives a bad rap in the popular press by people who misunderstand it as a rigid set of rules. Really it’s more about rejecting rigid rules, trusting yourself, and following your baby’s (and later your child’s) cues. It was already something I was doing at least in part when I learned what it was called from my sister (who founded the Knoxville Chapter of Attachment Parenting International), and I’m now friends with someone who actually wrote the book (or at least one of them!) on it. So I know how important secure attachment is for children, and how we as parents should be fostering that from the moment of birth.
But what happens when children don’t get that kind of parenting, or indeed much parenting at all? As Melissa Fay Greene asks in her foreword to Ms. Traster’s book: “[W]hat of babies who . . . are unable to attract permanent devoted caregivers and cannot seem to locate an adult to adore? . . . What happens to such a baby if she is not rescued before the light in her eyes has gone out? . . . When a baby or young child has learned that no one is coming, that no one thinks he or she is the cutest little baby on earth; that he or she must weather hunger, cold, and sickness in solitary, those are hard lessons to unlearn.”
Doesn’t your heart just break, reading that? I know mine does. And it’s something I often think of and worry about because of the work I do.
As many of you know, my husband is an attorney, and we do a lot of work in the juvenile court system. We see babies who are removed from their parents as infants, and allowed to see them for only 4.3 hours per month. Sometimes months and years go by before these children are reunited with their parents. Many times they are moved from one foster home to another. No one seems to discuss the effect this has on their ability to form attachments not just to their parents but to anyone. Conversely, I routinely read Petitions to Terminate the Parental Rights of some of our clients which claim that no bond exists with the birth parents (with whom the child may have lived for many years) and that a bond has formed with the foster parents (with whom the child has lived for a few months). We always question these non-evidence-based assumptions when we answer these petitions, and demand to see the science that would back them up, but of course there is no such science.
So we worry. We worry about these kids, and their futures, because we know secure attachment is so important. And that’s why this book is so important, not only for those who have adopted from foreign countries or are considering doing so, but for anyone who is interested in helping the troubled children in our social services system, or in doing something to reform that broken system.
When Tina Traster and her husband, Ricky Tannenbaum, set out to adopt a baby from Siberia, they did not even consider the idea that their child might have trouble bonding with them. On the contrary, Tina was more concerned about her own “queasy ambivalence.” She hasn’t read any parenting books. She is shocked, and not in a happy way, to learn that Julia’s adoption will take place much sooner than they had been told. She doesn’t even know how to change a diaper.
Tina’s honesty in disclosing her fears and her mixed feelings about adopting a baby strikes me as a bold move. It would be easy to blame Julia’s lack of bonding on a mother who has her own issues with attachment–one who is in fact in the middle of long-standing conflict with and estrangement from her own mother. But this tactic works because of Ricky, who is not ambivalent, who is deft and efficient in caring for the baby from the start, who is loving and nurturing and who seems to his wife to have it all together. We are accompanying Tina on her journey as she worries when she sees other babies and the way their mothers interact with them, and becomes certain something is different about Julia at the same time that she questions her own ability to mother. When Tina writes: “For the first two years after we brought Julia home, I thought I was the only one in the world who experienced difficulties with her, that I’d made a mistake, that motherhood and I weren’t meant to be . . . only in the last year have I seen Ricky become aggravated with her behavior. She’s just as unresponsive to him as she is to me,” her concerns are validated, and any misgivings the reader may have had as to the origins of Julia’s inability to bond are swept away as well.
It takes a while for Julia’s parents to accept the diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder, and some time after that for them to decide to attack the problem head on, which they do not with the help of professionals but via copious research and then applying what they have learned on their own. They don’t advocate this approach for everyone, noting especially that some children with RAD can hurt themselves or others and would require professional intervention. But it works for Julia. While Tina is quick to make sure we understand that RAD is not something that goes away, that it will always be a part of Julia and will require constant vigilance by her parents, she has become “solidly attached.”
Rescuing Julia Twice is a gripping story, and Ms. Traster is a good writer (an award-winning journalist–this is no ghost-written memoir). It weaves together seamlessly the linear events of Julia’s adoption and what follows with scientific information (accessibly presented) on RAD as well as flashbacks to Tina’s past and the conflict with her mother. So this book is a lot of things put together, and that’s a strength. You will not be bored by it, and you will also learn from it. My only criticism is that I would have liked more story about Julia’s transition to firm attachment, and further information on the techniques her parents used. This is primarily the story of the road toward Tina and Ricky’s definitive realization that Julia has RAD, and I feel that the ending comes a little abruptly. However, to be fair, this may just be the story that Ms. Traster wants to tell, and she tells it very well.
Rescuing Julia Twice is available on Amazon both in hardback and Kindle versions. You can read more about Julia here, and more about Ms. Traster’s other writing here. Additionally, there are many resources on RAD listed in the Resources section at the end of the book.
Let me start by explaining why this subject resonates with me, and why I was excited to read this book.
I have long been an advocate of “Attachment Parenting,” which sometimes receives a bad rap in the popular press by people who misunderstand it as a rigid set of rules. Really it’s more about rejecting rigid rules, trusting yourself, and following your baby’s (and later your child’s) cues. It was already something I was doing at least in part when I learned what it was called from my sister (who founded the Knoxville Chapter of Attachment Parenting International), and I’m now friends with someone who actually wrote the book (or at least one of them!) on it. So I know how important secure attachment is for children, and how we as parents should be fostering that from the moment of birth.
But what happens when children don’t get that kind of parenting, or indeed much parenting at all? As Melissa Fay Greene asks in her foreword to Ms. Traster’s book: “[W]hat of babies who . . . are unable to attract permanent devoted caregivers and cannot seem to locate an adult to adore? . . . What happens to such a baby if she is not rescued before the light in her eyes has gone out? . . . When a baby or young child has learned that no one is coming, that no one thinks he or she is the cutest little baby on earth; that he or she must weather hunger, cold, and sickness in solitary, those are hard lessons to unlearn.”
Doesn’t your heart just break, reading that? I know mine does. And it’s something I often think of and worry about because of the work I do.
As many of you know, my husband is an attorney, and we do a lot of work in the juvenile court system. We see babies who are removed from their parents as infants, and allowed to see them for only 4.3 hours per month. Sometimes months and years go by before these children are reunited with their parents. Many times they are moved from one foster home to another. No one seems to discuss the effect this has on their ability to form attachments not just to their parents but to anyone. Conversely, I routinely read Petitions to Terminate the Parental Rights of some of our clients which claim that no bond exists with the birth parents (with whom the child may have lived for many years) and that a bond has formed with the foster parents (with whom the child has lived for a few months). We always question these non-evidence-based assumptions when we answer these petitions, and demand to see the science that would back them up, but of course there is no such science.
So we worry. We worry about these kids, and their futures, because we know secure attachment is so important. And that’s why this book is so important, not only for those who have adopted from foreign countries or are considering doing so, but for anyone who is interested in helping the troubled children in our social services system, or in doing something to reform that broken system.
When Tina Traster and her husband, Ricky Tannenbaum, set out to adopt a baby from Siberia, they did not even consider the idea that their child might have trouble bonding with them. On the contrary, Tina was more concerned about her own “queasy ambivalence.” She hasn’t read any parenting books. She is shocked, and not in a happy way, to learn that Julia’s adoption will take place much sooner than they had been told. She doesn’t even know how to change a diaper.
Tina’s honesty in disclosing her fears and her mixed feelings about adopting a baby strikes me as a bold move. It would be easy to blame Julia’s lack of bonding on a mother who has her own issues with attachment–one who is in fact in the middle of long-standing conflict with and estrangement from her own mother. But this tactic works because of Ricky, who is not ambivalent, who is deft and efficient in caring for the baby from the start, who is loving and nurturing and who seems to his wife to have it all together. We are accompanying Tina on her journey as she worries when she sees other babies and the way their mothers interact with them, and becomes certain something is different about Julia at the same time that she questions her own ability to mother. When Tina writes: “For the first two years after we brought Julia home, I thought I was the only one in the world who experienced difficulties with her, that I’d made a mistake, that motherhood and I weren’t meant to be . . . only in the last year have I seen Ricky become aggravated with her behavior. She’s just as unresponsive to him as she is to me,” her concerns are validated, and any misgivings the reader may have had as to the origins of Julia’s inability to bond are swept away as well.
It takes a while for Julia’s parents to accept the diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder, and some time after that for them to decide to attack the problem head on, which they do not with the help of professionals but via copious research and then applying what they have learned on their own. They don’t advocate this approach for everyone, noting especially that some children with RAD can hurt themselves or others and would require professional intervention. But it works for Julia. While Tina is quick to make sure we understand that RAD is not something that goes away, that it will always be a part of Julia and will require constant vigilance by her parents, she has become “solidly attached.”
Rescuing Julia Twice is a gripping story, and Ms. Traster is a good writer (an award-winning journalist–this is no ghost-written memoir). It weaves together seamlessly the linear events of Julia’s adoption and what follows with scientific information (accessibly presented) on RAD as well as flashbacks to Tina’s past and the conflict with her mother. So this book is a lot of things put together, and that’s a strength. You will not be bored by it, and you will also learn from it. My only criticism is that I would have liked more story about Julia’s transition to firm attachment, and further information on the techniques her parents used. This is primarily the story of the road toward Tina and Ricky’s definitive realization that Julia has RAD, and I feel that the ending comes a little abruptly. However, to be fair, this may just be the story that Ms. Traster wants to tell, and she tells it very well.
Rescuing Julia Twice is available on Amazon both in hardback and Kindle versions. You can read more about Julia here, and more about Ms. Traster’s other writing here. Additionally, there are many resources on RAD listed in the Resources section at the end of the book.
June 19, 2024
The study of RAD fascinates me. I love seeing parents bring redemption to deeply disturbed children. And I'm always in awe of how everything that we do so naturally for a baby, (ie. cuddling, feeding, kissing, soothing) does so much good for a baby's development and is devastating if the baby misses out. The downside of Traster's story is the omission of God, the fact that she waited so long to try to solve the the problem, and that most of the process of Julia's healing is skipped (a jump from diagnosis to "complete" healing).
August 22, 2017
It's important that people who have adopted children with problems read this in their search for help.
December 31, 2017
While this book offers a lot of information on a condition I had never heard of, I feel like a quarter of not a third of the content was superfluous.
February 9, 2021
More of a story about the adoption and the problems with Julia. There was not as much about how they overcame reactive attachment disorder. An interesting read, but from a non-Christian perspective.
February 15, 2022
Terrible book do not read this.
May 11, 2024
Alright book. Seems to be rushed at the end. Just learned about what RAD is and trying to understand it a little better. But easy read I enjoyed the book.
Read
February 20, 2015When journalist Tina Traster visited a Siberian orphanage in 2003 to adopt a baby girl, she wondered if she and her baby would bond, but she dismissed her unease. Julia, at eight months (an almost unheard-of young age for Russian adoptees), was healthy and beautiful. Like many of us who adopt after infertility, Traster and her husband, Ricky Tannenbaum, felt lucky; their journey was defined by an optimistic, almost willfully naïve frame of mind. Fueled by hope, they traveled to Siberia in the middle of winter on a plane with duct-taped windows. And while they were lucky in many ways, Traster's searingly honest, articulate memoir narrates her growing awareness of signs that her daughter suffered from Reactive Attachment Disorder, or RAD, a serious behavioral and developmental response to early neglect or trauma.
Read Literary Mama's full review here: http://www.literarymama.com/reviews/a...
Read Literary Mama's full review here: http://www.literarymama.com/reviews/a...
August 9, 2014
Details the problems one mother deals with when adopting a daughter from Russia. It seems that children who are denied love and attention the first few months of life may have trouble trusting and forming loving relationships.
Very interesting the bureaucratic hoops that parents had to jump through to adopt a Russian child, even though there were many many children needing homes; and I'm sure that even the healthy children have issues to work through. That said, reading between the lines, the mother (who authored the story) had a plethora of issues of her own which may have contributed to the problems of the child.
The "happy" ending of the book seemed a little contrived...I'm sure that this mother and daughter will continue to have issues throughout their lives.
Very interesting the bureaucratic hoops that parents had to jump through to adopt a Russian child, even though there were many many children needing homes; and I'm sure that even the healthy children have issues to work through. That said, reading between the lines, the mother (who authored the story) had a plethora of issues of her own which may have contributed to the problems of the child.
The "happy" ending of the book seemed a little contrived...I'm sure that this mother and daughter will continue to have issues throughout their lives.
February 24, 2016
It was a quick read. In the final chapters, I would have liked more description of their strategies and the results. I'm giving it only 2 stars because of the writing.
1) Most of the book is in present tense. I don't know why so many memoirs and travel articles are in present tense. I find it distracting.
2) Too many similes!! p. 165: "the house still feels like a meat locker in early June." Same paragraph: "Julia rises at the crack of dawn every day, like a rooster." p. 168: "She gulps...like a dehydrated fireman replenishing himself after escaping a burning building." (That one could have ended at "fireman" and we would have gotten the idea.) p. 178: "Natalia Higier, that canary in the mineshaft, that ghost of Christmas past..."
1) Most of the book is in present tense. I don't know why so many memoirs and travel articles are in present tense. I find it distracting.
2) Too many similes!! p. 165: "the house still feels like a meat locker in early June." Same paragraph: "Julia rises at the crack of dawn every day, like a rooster." p. 168: "She gulps...like a dehydrated fireman replenishing himself after escaping a burning building." (That one could have ended at "fireman" and we would have gotten the idea.) p. 178: "Natalia Higier, that canary in the mineshaft, that ghost of Christmas past..."
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