Kissing Girls on Shabbat: A Memoir

by Sara Glass

A moving coming-of-age memoir in the vein of Unorthodox and Brazen , about one young woman’s desperate attempt to protect her children and family while also embracing her queer identity in a controlling Hasidic community.

Growing up in the Hasidic community of Brooklyn’s Borough Park, Sara Glass knew one painful truth: what was expected of her and what she desperately wanted were impossibly opposed. Tormented by her attraction to women and trapped in a loveless arranged marriage, she found herself unable to conform to her religious upbringing and soon, she made the difficult decision to walk away from the world she knew.

Sara’s journey to self-acceptance began with the challenging battle for a divorce and custody of her children, an act that left her on the verge of estrangement from her family and community. Controlled by the fear of losing custody of her two children, she forced herself to remain loyal to the compulsory heteronormativity baked into Hasidic Judaism and married again. But after suffering profound loss and a shocking sexual assault, Sara decided to finally be completely true to herself.

Kissing Girls on Shabbat is not only a love letter to Glass’s children, herself, and her family—it is an unflinching window into the world of ultra-conservative Orthodox Jewish communities and an inspiring celebration of learning to love yourself.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Jewish, LGBT, Queer, Religion, Audiobook

304 pages, Hardcover

First published June 11, 2024

Reviews

[Ailey | Bisexual Bookshelf]

Thank you to the publisher and author for the gifted ARC.

DNF at 22%.

In "Kissing Girls on Shabbat" by Dr. Sara Glass, the author offers a candid exploration of accepting her queerness within the context of being raised in Hasidic Judaism. However, my experience with the book was cut short due to concerns regarding the author's discussions of Israel.

In her author's note, Glass delves into the historical context of psychotherapy and questions the dominance of white male ideologies in the field. She touches on themes of decolonization and liberation, which initially intrigued me. However, as I delved further into the book, I encountered numerous uncritical references to Israel, including Glass's experiences studying there and her sister's marriage to an IDF veteran.

While Glass discusses themes of decolonization and liberation in reference to her own experiences, her silence on the issue of Israel's colonialism and genocide in Palestine felt glaring. Despite acknowledging the colonial roots of psychotherapy, Glass fails to extend this critical analysis to the situation in Palestine. This omission is particularly troubling given the ongoing violence, especially considering the book's publication timeline coinciding with recent events.

The author's failure to address the complexities of Israel's actions perpetuates a pattern of silence and complicity in these oppressive processes. As someone committed to anti-colonialism and solidarity with Palestine, I found this out of alignment with my values. While I acknowledge that the author may not have intended to endorse Israel's actions, her silence ultimately contributes to the erasure of Palestinian experiences.

In conclusion, "Kissing Girls on Shabbat" raises important questions about queer liberation and empowerment within ultra-conservative communities. However, the author's failure to engage with the issue of Israel's colonialism detracts from its overall impact. As a reader with anti-colonial and Pro-Palestine values, I chose to discontinue reading the book due to this significant oversight.

[Marilyn (not getting notifications) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kissing Girls on Shabbat: A Memoir by Sara Glass was as informative as it was moving. Over the years I have read several memoirs that were written by Hasidic Jews who chose to leave their close knit communities for a more secular lifestyle but none had touched me as much as the one that Sara Glass decided to share. Kissing Girls on Shabbat was well written. Here and there, Sara Glass included Yiddish phrases or names that she also defined and explained so as to eliminate any confusion. I was totally engaged in her story right from the beginning. For years, I have witnessed an influx of Hasidic families move from Brooklyn and establish themselves in the county where I reside. I do not live far from Monsey, New York. Unique clothes, wigs, beards, side curls and language easily allowed Hasidic men, women and children to be distinguished from others. Their lives are dictated by conformity, Rabbinical guidance, traditions and what they have learned from birth from the teachings of their parents, grandparents and Rabbis. Sara Glass was born into a family that was part of the Gur Hasidic community. Kissing Girls on Shabbat focused on Sara’s journey as she learned how to navigate the Hasidic way of living.

Sara Glass was known as Malka when she was growing up in Borough Park, Brooklyn. Malka had four older sisters and one younger sister. Malka grew up among her own kind, attended the all girl schools that Hasidic girls were expected to attend and fit into the expected mold that had been laid out for her since birth. A good Hasidic girl knew her role in life was to get married and have lots of children. Malka had conflicting feelings about that. She struggled greatly with her own sexual orientation. Adding to Malka’s struggles was the fact that both her mother and one of her sisters suffered from mental illness. This knowledge affected Malka greatly as a young girl. It made a big impact on her arranged marriage and in the subsequent years in her life that followed.

When Malka was nineteen years old, she met Dassa. There was an undeniable attraction between the two women. Malka gave into her desires but guilt played a big role. Good Hasidic girls were not supposed to be attracted to other women. There was no such thing as gay women in the Hasidic community. Then her three older sisters stepped in. Malka was sent to meet the matchmaker where the “shidduch process” or arranged marriage through a matchmaker began. Malka was matched with Yossi Schwartz, a twenty-six year old Hasidic man who came from a good Hasidic family. Yossi and Malka went on five dates. Over the course of those dates, touching was forbidden. There was little eye contact between Malka and Yossi. On their sixth date, Yossi asked Malka to marry him. Before Malka accepted Yossi’s proposal, she expressed her desire to earn a PhD in psychology. This had been a goal for Malka since she was a young girl. When Malka’s beloved sister, Shani, had been diagnosed with a mental illness, Malka wanted more than anything to earn a PhD in psychology so she could help others who were struggling with mental illness. Yossi agreed to Malka’s request. Malka accepted Yossi’s proposal because that was what was expected of her. Before her wedding, Malka visited a bridal instructor. Her name was Mrs. Levenstein. One of the roles of the bridal instructor was to explain the act of intimacy that would take place on the night the couple married. Mrs. Levenstein used an empty tube of toothpaste and a bendable pencil shaped toy to explain to Malka what to expect from Yossi during sex and what she would experience. Malka was naive and so unprepared for what was expected of her.

Malka and Yossi moved to Lakewood, New Jersey where a strong Hasidic community existed. Malka was all of 19 years old. She didn’t know her husband very well at all. Yossi and Malka had a son and daughter together. Malka had also experienced one miscarriage. She dressed modestly with her skirts at least four inches below her kneecaps and made sure that her elbows and collarbone were covered. Good Hasidic women covered themselves so not to evoke temptation. The longer Malka was married to Yossi the more demanding, distant and ultra religious he became. Over their years together, they sought out marriage counseling through the Rabbis and approved psychiatrists. Malka and Yossi ended their marriage with a divorce. One of the stipulations of the divorce that Yossi insisted upon was that his son and daughter would be brought up in strict accordance to the Hasidic tradition. If Malka deviated from this, Yossi would get complete custody of the children.

In the years that followed, Malka was met with lots of challenges. Her children always remained her prime concern. She loved her children dearly, unconditionally and wanted them to grow up to make their own choices and decisions with her guidance. Malka continued to explore her sexual orientation. At some point, she came to the realization that she was a lesbian but she suppressed her own desires for the sake of her children. Yossi continued to have a say in how Malka and her children lived. Would Malka ever be able to live the life she wanted? Will she be able to embrace her children and let them choose how they live their lives?

Kissing Girls on Shabbat: A Memoir by Sara Glass was one of the best memoirs I have read in a while. I was very impressed with how strong and determined Sara Glass became after experiencing so many years of confusion, conformity, surrender, denial and acquiescence. She was divorced twice which was very unusual in Hasidic culture. Sara Glass earned her PhD and came to realize her dream of becoming a psychologist as a reality. Kissing Girls on Shabbat examined a magnified view of Hasidic life through Sara Glass’s eyes and experiences including how same sex relationships were viewed by the devout Hasidic community. It portrayed the themes of mental illness, suicide, sexual assault, trauma, divorce, family, sisters and same sex relationships. I really enjoyed reading Kissing Girls on Shabbat by Sara Glass and recommend it highly if you enjoy reading memoirs.

Thank you to Simon & Schuster Atria/ One Signal Publishers for allowing me to read Kissing Girls on Shabbat by Sara Glass through Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.

[*TUDOR^QUEEN* · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very interesting glimpse into the life of Sara Glass, who whilst still a teenager married within her Hasidic Community of Brooklyn's Borough Park. Prior to her marriage she was fervently in love with another woman- a scandal she kept concealed. Sara and her husband settled into marriage in Lakewood, NJ where the Hasidic Community was quite prevalent. I was fascinated learning of the many rules Sara had to comply with, overseen by Rabbis who her husband would periodically call for reinforcement. These rules comprised wearing long skirts, long-sleeved shirts, and a head covering such as a head wrap or a wig. Frequency of intimate marital relations and having an abundance of children were a main goal. Sara hungered to continue her schooling in the field of social work and psychology, hoping to earn her doctorate, with the hope of helping her sister who suffered with severe bipolar disorder. Such a high-minded career goal was roundly discouraged by her husband and the community.

This was a very thought-provoking memoir that shared Sara's internal struggle with suppressing her gayness, constantly frightened that her two children would be taken away from her. She shares details of her two divorces from husbands, dabbling in nightlife and gay sexual affairs, financial strife as a single parent, and persistence in obtaining her doctorate in psychology. Well-written, and a gutsy memoir to write when perhaps some people will question some of her life choices.

Thank you to the publisher Atria Books / One Signal for providing an advance reader copy via NetGalley.

[Liralen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Growing up in a Hasidic community in Brooklyn, Glass knew what her life would look like: she'd marry a man, get the level of education their rabbi (or, maybe more to the point, his rabbi) approved of and no more, be permitted to use birth control only in rare occasions, and keep her body and hair covered. For the rest of her life. She also knew what she wanted: to earn a PhD, to have some small freedoms to make choices for herself, to have a say in the number and timing of her children, and to be allowed to love a woman.

I've read enough about conservative religion in various forms to be unsurprised by a lot of what Glass writes about, but there are still things that...well. "As a bride you have special mercy on your wedding day," Mrs. Levenstein, my bridal instructor, said as we sat at the folding table in her husband's study. "You can ask God for forgiveness, and he will wipe your slate clean, anything you have ever done wrong will disappear." (loc. 371*)

At the time, Glass used this as permission to do forbidden things in advance of her wedding, but I'm fascinated for other reasons. First, the idea that this bridal instructor was running a successful business from her home—but the study was still considered her husband's study. Not theirs, let alone hers. And then there's this idea of wiping the slate clean; I'd love to know how widespread that is in Judaism (it's not something I've ever heard, but then, I'm not super well read on Judaism), but also...I want to know what kind of mental gymnastics it requires to both place a premium on women's 'purity' and to say that marriage will wipe away any sins. I sort of imagine that neither one's betrothed/husband nor one's rabbi would be likely to be so forgiving?

Or: After a few more awkward phone passes, a call to Mrs. Levenstein, and another call from the rabbi, we arrived at our answer. We had not had marital intercourse last night. False alarm. (loc. 493) There's a lot of context to that quote that I'm leaving out, but the short version is that when everything is regimented, down to when you and your husband can and cannot physically touch, conversations get awkward. Glass describes living in some ways outside the law—because Hasidic law was stricter, and more specific, and it didn't really matter what the secular courts said if the rabbinical courts had different opinions.

We were under a town-wide internet ban. As the internet became a standard feature of modern life, the rabbis decided that it was for the secular world, not for us. In special cases, such as for work purposes, one was permitted to use the Yeshiva Net provider, which allowed access to "whitelisted" websites. I had a dial-up DSL connection monitored by Yeshiva Net, which meant that when I first wanted to access the Rutgers University Library website, the Gap, or Children's Place, I had to call the Yeshiva Net office to ask them to allow those sites. When I called to ask if I could add Google to my list, the sleepy male voice at the other end said, "Mrs. Schwartz, many people find that to be a strong temptation. We don't allow search engines." How could I admit that I wanted to explore more temptations? He would ask to speak to my husband. (loc.1656)

The ways in which the community operated outside the law come to define huge portions of the book, because according to Hasidic law (or the local interpretation of it), pushing the boundaries could lead to the loss of Glass's children—and it's only late, late in the book that she starts to understand that there's a whole 'nother set of laws out there, ones where your rights are not determined by whether or not you keep every strand of natural hair under your wig.

There's a lot to say here that there just isn't space for in this review. I'm reminded a bit of Brazen, but with Glass seeking to unpick her layers of trauma and context rather than just to shock the reader. It's a fast and fascinating read, and I'm glad Glass refused to accept that the status quo was the only way to go.

A note on Israel: This is a book that is, unsurprisingly, heavy on Judaism. It takes place almost entirely in the eastern US. Israel is mentioned a handful of times—Glass had family there, and she spent some time there as a young woman. It's not discussed in any detail. I read a revised ARC, so I can't speak for the earlier version, but Glass includes this paragraph in the author's note at the beginning: Please note that this manuscript was written prior to October 7, 2023. There are references to Israel throughout this manuscript, and those references do not and cannot communicate the full context or complexity of that date. Nor to they communicate my feelings about what has taken place in the days, weeks, and months afterward. My heart breaks for the people of Gaza and the victims of October 7. (loc. 58) I am taking that at face value for the sake of this book and looking elsewhere for my reading on Israel and Palestine; however, it may not be enough for some readers, and if that's you, I recommend passing on this book.

Thanks to the author and publisher for providing a review copy through NetGalley.

*Quotes are from an ARC and may not be final.

[Jessica Woodbury · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this based simply on the title and a very short description. But I'd recommend you look at the full summary/marketing copy first. I thought this book would be very different from what it actually was, the title is catchy but it's not very accurate. It's breezy, a little cheeky. The book is never either of these things. And it's not just a book about religious trauma and homophobia, it is trauma after trauma. There's sexual violence, coercive control, mental illness, suicide, and more. Had I known just how much of all this there would be, I'm not sure if I would have chosen to pick up this book. Not because this kind of story shouldn't be told, but because I wouldn't have felt up to carrying it all.

As a memoir it is just fine. There are so many things to focus on, so many horrible events, that it can be hard to keep a sense of timing. Glass insists repeatedly how devoted she is to her children but we almost never see her with them, instead the focus is on all the threats her family faces, how she struggles to keep them together. This also isn't a very typical story of a person's journey out of a strict Hasidic community, and just at the times when Glass goes through the most changes (which to me are the most interesting parts) we somehow jump ahead. We don't get to see her explore, we lose sight of her emotions. And sometimes we will be presented with a problem, get only a temporary solution, but the problem never returns. Threads are picked up and dropped. To some extent this is inevitable given just how much territory there is to cover here, but I think it could have used a more thoughtful edit.

I did the audio, which the author reads. I always warn people who like animated readers to avoid author-read memoir and I'd keep that warning here, that type of reader may find her voice too flat for their preferences.

[Elena Enns · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you Simon and Schuster Canada, Dr. Sara Glass, and Netgalley for my ARC copy of this memoir.

Kissing Girls on Shabbat: A Memoir discusses the complexities and trauma that can be involved in rigid conformity and trying to mould oneself to be what others expect. In her journey of self-acceptance, Dr Glass goes through the motions expected of her in her ultra-orthodox community; coming to the realization that the world she was living in would not be conducive to her being able to live as her true self. Through marriage, death, estrangement, and custody battles, Dr Glass comes to learn just because she learnt one way of living growing up, does not mean she has to stay within the confines of that way of life. While still holding her religion close to her, she learns that it should not dictate her life and should instead live peacefully with her as she is.

[Shannon · Rating 4 out of 5]

An incredibly vulnerable and open memoir about an Orthodox Jewish woman and her journey to divorce her husband and explore her sexuality in a Sapphic relationship despite knowing it goes against all the rules of her religion. Great on audio read by the author herself, this was so enlightening, with great mental health rep and perfect for fans of authors like Melissa Broder or Heidi Shertok. Many thanks to NetGalley and Simon Schuster for an early digital and audio copy in exchange for my honest review!!

CW: rape

[Corky · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a standout memoir! I was intrigued by the blurb, but within the first twenty pages I realized this memoir was going to be much better than I could have hoped.
Glass has a very easy to read writing style that draws one in while also proving adequate substance behind the style. Glass's upbringing in an Orthodox Jewish community is something I knew nothing about, and I felt Glass did a good job of providing context without slipping into a boring background information voice. Reading this at 27, it's flat out bizarre thinking about the way her life changed at just 19. I also found it interesting how many decisions were made by rabbis regarding marriage, divorce, and really everything in their day to day life.
I was relieved when her financial situation was addressed mid book, as that was something I found to be a bit puzzling and caused disconnection for me.
A really great read that I would highly recommend!

[Julie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this one. And I give Glass props for the courage to share this story. As a queer person I want to uplift new queer authors and voices. But I cannot recommend this book because the internalized homophobia is just too much.

Sara Glass is a beautiful writer and the subject matter is close to home. And, although maybe I’ll try to pick it up again, I got more than 75% through the audiobook and just couldn’t continue because I felt..gross… disgusted… This reaction is a testament to both how evocative her writing is and how this book forces the reader to accompany Glass in a journey that wallows in her own disgust at her queerness that was shaped by the community she grew up in.

What got to me was the overwhelming shame that pervades every page (or at least the entirety of what I read) of this book. At the beginning, there are very detailed descriptions of the author’s attraction to/lack of attraction, desire for/lack of desire for, and sex with her first partner Dasa and her first husband. And the thing that bothered me wasn’t that it was graphic (although I guess maybe at a certain point the details of every encounter felt gratuitous and a bit sensationalist), it was the shame that Glass infuses in every detail of those encounters. She forcibly drags the reader through every ounce of guilt, shame, disgust, fear, and you name it negative emotion that her sexual attraction to women and her inability to be a “good wife” caused her. And getting the reader to understand the internalized homophobia might have been the point… but at the same time the experience of reading it made me nauseous.

There have been some really powerful autobiographies by queer authors from individuals who grew up in traditional or religious settings that have come out in the last few years and that I have loved… Becoming Eve, Unicorn etc… and certainly those books also explore those author’s feelings of shame, and so I was trying to identify what made the experience of reading Glass’s book so different for me.

And the answers I’ve come up with are a combination of literary and editing choices as well as feelings of concern about/for the author. Starting with the literary: An autobiography is not a diary. The author doesn’t share every detail of their life from birth to the present; rather, they carefully choose details and experiences to craft a narrative. The author also creates a narrative voice that often reflects the perspective of the author of who they are now in contrast to the character of themselves who is going on the life journey. Especially when telling a story of change—in this case a journey from the teenager who was taught to hate her queerness to the therapist who now advises queer Jewish orthodox teens—emphasizing the differences between who the narrator is now vs the character that reflects who they were then helps show the reader that journey and change. In this book, however, there is little differentiation made between the feelings of Sara Glass the narrator/author and Sara Glass the character. The consequence is that it feels that Sara Glass the author still feels those feelings of shame that she describes in such detail; that, in fact, Glass has not actually changed much from the teen and twenty-something that she is describing.

And truthfully, I really hope that this niggling feeling that Glass still thinks about her own queer desires in this way is simply a result of the narrative choices and poor editing. But, I am left wondering if this shame is actually how Glass still feels about herself. The truth is that after finishing more than 75% of the book, Glass was still talking about her attraction to women with a level of disgust and limited self awareness that made it painful to read… were we actually going to be allowed to see that changed perspective at all? If not, why? Does she perhaps still feel these same things now?

The point at which I stopped reading was when she was sexually assaulted and in denial about it. The narrative style makes you the reader experience it without distance. And that was the point where I decided that I just couldn’t read anymore. I don’t want to judge her journey. But, there is enough homophobia and misogyny in the broader culture, I don’t need a book that forces me to feel those feelings without added reflection or insight.

And finally, I walk away from this reading experience with concern for the author’s wellbeing and a concern for her patients. Because it was not just the internalized homophobia, it is also the way that she deals with mental health in this book. Glass’s sister has bipolar disorder , and the book focuses on her sister’s mental health and Glass’s concern for her sister. But, what about Glass’s mental health? Again, I was 75% through and Glass’s own mental health received limited attention or reflection. The eating disorder she mentions in a few paragraphs? Nope. The abusive relationship with her first husband? Nope. Dealing with growing up in a home with mental illness and parents who didn’t get along? Nope. Dealing with her sister’s hospitalizations and suicide? Nope. The sexual assault? (Well, I didn’t get that far…) There seems to be (as it is written) no self reflection or self awareness at all. Did she ever even get real help from a professional (meaning not someone who solely treats the community she came from and not someone who thinks that being queer is a sin)? Again, 75% through - nope.

I sincerely hope that Glass has sought mental health counseling from a legit practitioner and that the perspectives presented in this book do not reflect how she feels about the world today, and that these issues were all resolved in the last 25% of the book.

[Cindy Stein · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you to Net Galley and the publisher for this advanced review copy.

Sara grows up in a large Haredi family in Brooklyn in which both her mother and one of her older sisters suffers from severe mental illness. Unable to receive any explanations for what's going on, Sara decides that she needs to pursue a career in psychology.

As a teenager, Sara becomes romantically involved with another Haredi girl but she knows that there is no future for them and she must marry a man. She goes ahead with an arranged marriage as is the practice in her community and has two children, but is desperately unhappy. Meanwhile, she is able to graduate college and pursue a social work degree.

The book details Sara's journey from Haredi Brooklyn through two marriages to men and to her growing realization that her well being and the well being of her children depend on her living an authentic life. The book is well written and highly engaging. While I knew how it would likely end, I was intent on reading every page.

I would count this book among the best memoirs of women leaving Haredi life. The author handles the story with compassion and great insight, including about herself.

Highly recommended.

[Bonnie G. · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is earnest and heartfelt and Glass' story is an important and moving one. In truth, she is not a great writer. The few times she went for metaphors they were painfully awful. That said, I appreciated her candor and learned a few things.

I never fail to be amazed at the damage wrought by religious extremism. Glass was put through torture for no reason, made to live a lie, or risk losing her children. So many people were hurt because of the cruel machinations of the cult. I wish her and her family well. (For anyone who does not think that Glass was born into a cult, I will offer this definition -- it is a cult if they won't let you leave.)

[Nancy Montanino · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just finished this memoir after starting it yesterday, and I think this will be one of my favorite books of 2024. It’s difficult to criticize or rank memoirs due to the nature of passing judgement on how people choose to present the story of their life. I can say, however, that this one definitely kept my interest and I was able to relate to and empathize with the author on many levels, despite my limited knowledge of her cultural experience of growing up in a Hasidic community. Dr. Glass had a unique experience with her struggle between orthodox societal pressures and her own sexuality and ability to live authentically, but the closeted desires are relatable to so many queer people who have struggled with being true to themselves.

Thank you Dr. Glass for sharing your experiences with the world. Thank you Netgalley for the ARC.

[Kat (BostonKatReads) · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you enjoy memoirs, you need to read this (with consideration for the content warnings below). I highlighted so many quotes during my read, but let's start out with this one: "As I stepped onto the campus grounds to begin my first semester, I understood why Yossi and the rabbis spent so much time discouraging young women from the path I had chosen."

Quick Synopsis: Dr. Sara Glass bares her soul and life story of embracing her queer identity and and protecting herself, her kids, and her family amidst her upbringing and ongoing control of the devout, Hasidic community. Tormented by her attraction to women and trapped in a loveless arranged marriage, she found herself unable to conform to her religious upbringing, she begins a challenging battle for divorce, and ultimately, custody for her children. Dr. Glass' journey to self-discovery and acceptance was riddled with challenges, inner turmoil, loss, heartbreak, trauma, and anxiety. Kissing Girls on Shabbat is not only a love letter to Glass’ children, herself, and her family—it is an unflinching window into the world of ultra-conservative Orthodox Jewish communities and an inspiring celebration of learning to love yourself.

My Review: I sat speechless for several minutes upon finishing Kissing Girls on Shabbat. I do not personally come from a Jewish upbringing, and Dr. Glass' raw descriptions of her experiences and reflections were mind-boggling. I am thrilled and impressed that she went through everything that she did and came out of the other side to tell this story. I'm honored to have had the opportunity to read this ARC and share it with others. This memoir is thought-provoking and evoked similar responses from me as did Educated (Tara Westover), Paris: The Memoir (Paris Hilton), The Girls We Sent Away (historical fiction, Meagan Church), and Counting the Cost (Jill Duggar).

CWs: religious control, religious trauma, arranged marriage, forced marriage, homophobia, rape, sexual assault, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, completed suicide, strained family relationships, sexism, patriarchy, references to/personal events occurring in Israel, lack of sexual education, incompetent schooling/education of children, accidental pregnancy, termination of pregnancy, challenging labor/childbirth, divorce, strained spousal relationships,

Selected Quotes:
"My devotion to God and my deep, well-tended fear of his wrath didn’t leave much room for choice. Feelings were irrelevant. Sexual attraction was irrelevant."

"It felt strange, being on the outside of a conversation in which two men worked to determine if my vagina was penetrated. I wished I could provide insight either way. "

"In social policy class, I learned that not everyone was a Republican. "

"I was twenty-one years old, and I did not know what sex had to do with pleasure. Or for that matter, what this clitoris she spoke of even was."

"I needed to find out who I was after stealing my body back from God. "

"I could see her, the old me, in my rearview mirror, hair loose and eyes crinkling, and my God, she was beautiful. "

My most sincere and appreciative thanks go to the author, Dr. Sara Glass, publisher Atria Books, and NetGalley for access to this eARC in exchange for my honest review.

[andrea]

thank you to NetGalley and Atria Books for the advanced digital copy.

--

a funny thing happened with this arc. before i cracked the book, i received an email to download an updated version. the updated version included a note acknowledging what's been happening in Palestine since October 7th, 2023. frankly, i didn't wander into a memoir about a hasidic jewish woman's journey to queerness without expecting a few mentions of israel, but i had thought that perhaps part of that journey would include a dissection of pro-israel indoctrination as you cannot be pro-israel and also be pro-liberation. the fact that this author neglects to mention that the genocide israel has been perpetuating against palestine started prior to and has gone on much longer than 2023 feels like a deliberate and telling exclusion.

as far as the memoir itself, due to my own religious-related traumas i always find myself compelled to read stories where religion intersects with things like queerness, gender, misogyny, abuse, sexual assault, etc. what i don't like is when these perspectives still deify the religion/governing power/country/etc. that still continues to perpetuate various acts of violence against people for the same reasons the author is being critical.

i felt like this book stringently lays out the author's life of abuses and brainwashing (please note, i'm extremely anti-religion and i believe ALL religions participate in this) and the author still holds her belief system as sacrosanct (which i don't get nor do i think she did a good job explaining what there is to love about a belief system that forces women to be baby factories and states that men must make decisions for women, even calling 911 for life-saving medical care). the more disturbing part of this book for me was the reverential way israel was spoken about. it just felt like a book that was either written by a person still deep in the throes of stockholm syndrome or written by a person that has some learning to do.

either way, i didn't have a good time and i wouldn't recommend this one.

[T.J. Wallace · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have to confess: I have a nosy, verging on rubberneck-y, interest in fundamentalist religious groups. Whether it is the FLDS, the Duggar family, extremely conservative Muslim societies, or even, thanks to "How To Say Babylon," Rastafarianism, I am drawn to learning about the restrictive rules and inflexible attitudes of these communities and especially how they impact young women. Is this fascination a bit squicky? Maybe. I think it developed from my own brush with fundamentalist Christianity as a young teen, although I was fortunately never pulled in too deeply.

"Kissing Girls on Shabbat" is the first book I have read that examines an Orthodox Jewish community, and it was quite compelling. Dr. Sara Glass shares about her experiences as a member of the Gur Hasidic sect, living in Brooklyn and Lakewood, NJ, specifically focusing on how she slowly learned to embrace her queer identity in a religion that doesn't even acknowledge that lesbians exist.

Overall, I found this memoir very interesting and moving. The pacing is good, and I was always eager to read more. Dr. Sara Glass is obviously a very smart and strong woman, and I especially connected with her in her "mama bear" protectiveness of her children, for whose education and freedom she fought so hard.

It feels weird to have "complaints" about a memoir, knowing that it is a work of the heart and that writing it was undoubtedly a difficult, emotional process. Nevertheless, I felt like there were some odd gaps in the narrative that I wished had been filled in. I would have loved it if more of the memoir had focused on Malka's (now going by Sara) childhood and teenhood, when she was in the depths of indoctrination. I am curious about a life that was evidently very restrictive (no television, etc.) but that somehow gave her the latitude to have many opportunities for sexual exploration with other young women. I was also puzzled by how both her mother and her first ex-husband basically disappeared from the narrative for many chapters. I was especially interested in Yossi's role in his children's lives, and you eventually learn a little about it in the last few chapters, as the custody case is being settled, but it was a big blank for the majority of the book. Finally, I really would have loved an epilogue that shared about how her family and orthodox friends reacted to her officially coming out as gay and to writing this book. What did her sisters say?? Her exes? Her ex-in laws? Do her kids still have contact with any of them? I guess that is my nosy, prying side coming out again, but the impact of these types of tell-all books on a private, conservative community is something that interests me. I acknowledge that I am not entitled to any of that info and that Dr. Glass told the story she wanted to tell.

My favorite parts of the book were the beginning, when Dr. Glass briefly describes her childhood and her first marriage, and the end, when she really embraces her sexuality and breaks free from the rabbinical divorce agreement that had controlled her decisions for so long. The middle section felt a little long and repetitive. I realize that she was in a very difficult position of not being able to admit to being (or even explore being) a lesbian for fear of reprisal from her first ex-husband and community, but all of the lying and emotional/actual cheating made me uncomfortable.

I would recommend this memoir to fans of "Educated," "How to Say Babylon," and "Counting the Cost." I loved that Dr. Glass mentioned Lamya H., author of "Hijab Butch Blues," in her acknowledgements. "Hijab Butch Blues" is one of the best memoirs I have ever read. "Kissing Girls on Shabat" is a solid read, especially if you are interested in religion, LGBTQ stories, and motherhood.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

By their nature, memoirs are difficult to assign a rating to. You're essentially judging someone's ability to tell their own story, after all. That wasn't a problem with this book, in which Dr. Glass invites readers to take a peek into a world many of them may not understand in order to show how she got from where she was to where she is.
I do understand, sort of. I have some firsthand knowledge of the kind of life she lived, and I can empathize with how difficult it was to let go in order to remain true to herself and to show her children that there was another option. The thing I appreciated the most about her story was that she showed not just the parts that made it necessary to leave, but she also showed what made it beautiful, the sense of community that made it difficult to give up. I think this approach will work for anyone, regardless of how familiar you are with the world she grew up in.
The writing was engaging, it was told in a linear way but without the rote "I was born on this day and then did this thing, rinse wash repeat" style of many memoirs.
Thank you to the publisher and NetGalley for the opportunity to read this, and thank you to Dr. Glass for writing it.

[rara ➶]

Thank you to Atria and NetGalley for providing me with an eARC of this book in exchange of an honest review.

What worked:
- The storytelling
- Very emotional
- Not as bad as HBB

What didn't work:
- Z1on1sm!
- Though the writing is good, something makes the book either too slow or too hard to get through. I had to put it down several times.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Advanced Book Review! Thank you @simonschusterca & @netgalley for sending me this book for review. Opinions are my own.
I’ve read a lot of books, fiction & non-fiction, about the Brooklyn Hasidic (ultra-Orthodox Jews) community. They often have one thing in common – someone is struggling and wants to leave the Hasidic community. These books make clear that, by leaving, they are giving up their families, friends, and everything they know. These books provide a fascinating look into the insular world of Hasidism, but unfortunately, don’t paint it in a very good light.
Dr. Sara Glass writes that the goal of Kissing Girls on Shabbat is “to gradually address and reduce the larger systemic disparities, particularly concerning individuals diagnosed with mental illness or those who identify within the LGBTQIA+ spectrum.”
In her memoir, she writes about the difficulties both she and her sister faced within the Hasidic community. Sara was trapped in a loveless arranged marriage, while her sister struggled with mental illness. Both women faced losing their children as a result of the community’s strict rules and intolerance.
This book tore at my heart. It’s difficult to read about mothers struggling to provide for their children, the mistreatment of women, and families torn apart by religious restrictions. Even more so that this takes place within a Jewish community. While certain things are familiar, like Shabbat and holidays, Hasidism is so vastly different from my own secular Jewish community. I’m glad that Sara found the strength and courage to leave and live true to herself and her children, with the support of organizations that help people in this position.
I don’t want this to be anyone’s introduction or only source about Judaism. So please, keep in mind the many books about Jewish joy, and pick one of those up as well. If you need a recommendation, see my Jewish Books highlights or reach out.

[Madison ✨ (mad.lyreading) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kissing Girls on Shabbat is the memoir of a girl raised in the Hasidic community of Brooklyn's Borough Park as she struggles with her identity as a lesbian. This memoir is one of those that, once started, can't be put down, and the author is more than willing to explore the complexities of their trauma. This memoir is particularly well done, as Glass is a therapist herself with a PhD, and she is able to write through her own experiences and those around her with compassion and grace. While Glass was most definitely trapped at multiple points in her life, she does not blame those around her who may have been trapped themselves. While she steps away from her Hasidic/Orthodox Jewish life toward the end of the book, she still has a love for the religion that raised her. I really enjoyed this, and I would recommend it for memoir lovers everywhere.

Thank you to Atria Books for gifting me an ARC in exchange for an honest review!

[Bethany · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kissing Girls on Shabbat was an amazingly written and powerful memoir. Dr. Sara Glass is an incredibly resilient woman, experiencing so much control imposed on her from her ultra-conservative Orthodox Jewish community and the pain that came with trying to conform. Her journey to self-acceptance and being able to live her life as her true self was not easy. I admire her dedication and her love for her children who she worked hard to protect as she went through her own struggles with divorce, near estrangement from family, assault, unexpected loss and the pressures religious conformity. She keeps her children safe, fights to retain custody and moves toward freedom and embracing her queer identity. She is also able to build her practice as psychologist through it all. Dr. Glass thank you for sharing your story.

Thank you NetGalley for the e-ARC!

[Sadie 🔥 · Rating 4 out of 5]

the only reason i took 1 star off is no offense but the writing was really bad. i want to rate it 3.5 but i will round up since it's an memoir.

BUT the book is still incredible (and very upsetting) and shines so much light on being queer in chasidim.

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Full RTC!

TYSM to Atria & One Signal for the #gifted copy!

[Jonah G · Rating 5 out of 5]

a truly stunning memoir that pushes us to grapple with themes of family, community, and trauma (and the intersections of these things). Glass teaches us, through vivid depictions of key moments, about the strength and vulnerability it takes to recognize that the status quo is not enough. she brings us into her quest to rebuild in a way that feels honest and aligned - the messy, imperfect process that is always unfolding. this book felt like the manifestation of much pain and so, so much love. deep gratitude for Glass and her willingness to share, especially in those moments when she is not the hero.

[Leib Mitchell · Rating 3 out of 5]

Book Review
Kissing Girls On Shabbat
3/5 stars.
"Frivolous wealthy Neurotic Jewish problems"

******
This is the story of a woman who has to deal with her sexual orientation as well as her relationship to Judaism.

One of quite a few books in this genre of "off the derech" literature.

Of the book:

-Can be read over a couple of afternoons
-All chapters are titled after songs
-I could have done with a more suitable title. (Author did not kiss girls only on Shabbat.)

∆∆∆The first thought is that: People who try to get in the mental health field are actually more likely to have mental problems of their own.

And it has been said that if you cannot sort out your own life, then the logical choice is to try to solve someone else's problems. (For the record, the author was divorced with two kids and an unplanned pregnancy abortion by the time she was 25 years old. And then divorced *again* at 32 after she finally figured out that she was a lesbian. Is this *really* the person that should be offering life advice? What can you think to say about a woman who can allow her boyfriend to convince her to play Russian roulette / stays with him even after such a suggestion?)

Author also comes across as clueless in certain respects.

1. Author wasn't aware that tickets have to be paid or you will lose your license?

2. Author was not aware that "supremely wealthy" men that are willing to play Captain Save a Hoe (i.e.--taking on the burden of another man's kids *and* a woman with stretch marks and episiotomy scars put there by same) don't exactly grow on trees?

She didn't have sense enough to give Second Husband a couple of babies in order to cement the bond and then just come to some private/tacit agreement about having a woman on the side? (After a certain age, there's no need/benefit to upend your financial/family life for benefit of licking carpet. And this is true for both guys and girls; family structure and common children are a stronger bond in a relationship than just sex.)

3. Author and her husband signed a divorce agreement and she had NO CLUE what was in it for 10 years after the divorce simply for lack of actually reading it? (This is, quite frankly, the first time I've ever heard of a Jew who didn't read. A lot of the headaches that she took on herself because of a perceived reason to lose her children could have been avoided--because none of these were conditions of the original divorce.)

4. In case you were wondering where the money came from, her father provided her with $100,000 living allowance for the first several years. (This is not a typical situation.)

∆∆∆The second thought is that: I can't establish the direction of causality here: Is it that people who go into Haredism are more likely to be mentally ill to begin with? Or, is it that living around a bunch of Haredim drove people that would have been otherwise normal insane?

This is my 10th OTD memoir (I swore to myself that I was not going to read another one, but I listen to an interview by this author and was impressed).

For the record, the other 9 were:

¶Reva Mann --"The Rabbi's Daughter" (Severe/ poorly handled hypersexuality.)
¶Julia Haart-- Brazen (severe/poorly handled hypersexuality).
¶Leah Lax--"Uncovered." (Grandiose lesbian.)
¶Deborah Feldman-- "Unorthodox"/"Exodus". (Drama Junkie.)
¶Leah Vincent--"Sin and Salvation." (Borderline personality, including self harm and hypersexuality.)
¶Abby Stein--"Becoming Eve." (Uncertain. Maybe genuinely transgender, but definitely with drama junkie tendencies.)
¶Rachel/Ruth Shilsky--"The Color of Water." (Sexual abuse. Teenage pregnancy.)
¶Shulem Deen--"All Who Go Do Not Return" (Normal guy with doubts.)
¶Shalom Auslander-- The Foreskin's Lament (Articulate but masochistic man driven over the edge by his family and Haredim.)

There is a lot of overlap in between these books:

1. The beginning of the end (In many/most of these cases) was that very first trip to a library or that first college course. It happened in this book the exact same way.

2. Sexual dissatisfaction was a heavy factor in most of these breakups. (4 out of 8 of the women in books above left because their sexual drive WAY exceeded their husbands' ability to satisfy. )

So, out of that sample set of 10:

-8 out of 10 were women (I don't count Abby Stein as a woman)
-2 out of 8 females were lesbian
-0 out of 10 of the marriages profiled failed because of abuse.

3. None of these people were hurting for money. And not only was the money not enough to solve the problems, but it actually *magnified* problems that are much smaller for people that are trying to get all the bills paid. ("People who toil from sun up to sundown for the barest of necessities dream no dreams and nurse no grievances.")

If you're worried about getting the house note paid, you're not going to flirt over to Aruba to find yourself / have a sexual awakening.

4. On the one hand, Haredim have babies everyday without any type of sexual education.(Lots of them!) But, on the other hand, the number of people who are so clueless that they don't even know *what* goes *where* in sexual congress is astronomical.

Some in these series of books could not even consummate the marriage for long periods of time because of this unawareness.

This author had girlfriends even from the age of 16 or so, and the only thing they could think of to do was cuddle.

Exactly ZERO of the men in any of these books had any idea that you should try to make the marital experience pleasant enough that the wife will want to come back for more. (And a lot of guys lost their women because of that.)

Other thoughts:

1. The author also accidentally makes it appear that there is bit more mental illness than you would expect by chance within Jewish populations.

Her case was a family with 6 sisters, and out of that family--Both the mother and oldest daughter were institutionalized for significant periods of time because of mental illness. (Author did not see her oldest sister from the ages of seven until 15.)
2. There are 7 daughters in this book (I'm surprised that the mother is the one that went crazy and not the father; I can't imagine living in a house with 8 women)

3. I enjoyed the authors descriptions of the differences between Lakewood and The Five Towns.
********
At this point, I'll just let the book speak for itself....

Quote:

1. After a few more awkward phone passes, a call to Mrs Levenstein, and another call from the rabbi, we arrived at our answer: We had not had marital intercourse last night. False alarm.

2. They said they want to add a medicine [an epidural]. I have to call Rabbi Hanover and get permission for that.

3. It's better to double wrap the mezuza. (This was a strategy after the author brought school books into the house.)

4. He's adding his own rules. It's written nowhere that he shouldn't look at you for 2 weeks of each month. In fact, it is the exact opposite. That is the time he is supposed to connect with you emotionally!

5. She confirmed what I had begun to suspect. I had been told that he'd gone out on dates with about a hundred girls who were not good enough for him. I was beginning to infer that those 100 girls were just a lot more intuitive than me.

6. He asked if you would sleep with him one more time again because he does not know when he will be with a woman again. (This was the husband's request to the wife through an intermediate before the divorce was finalized.)

7. We were under a town-wide internet ban ("Mrs Schwartz, many people find [Google] to be a strong temptation. We don't allow search engines. ") ... My children were still in daycare, but in two years it would be time to apply to local schools, and I would have to sign a contract stating that our home had no unfiltered internet connection.

8. But he didn't realize that the Jewish men who fit my dating status, diminished by the divorce and kids, that category of men expected sex. They just did. They wore kippahs and wanted a kosher home, but they also wanted to sleep with the women they dated. If I didn't give it to them, someone else would.

9. Let's play Russian roulette. (This is one of the author's boyfriends talking to her.)

10. You know, I give you about $100,000 a year. (This is the author's father talking to her)

11. That very car, though, turned out to be uninsured. One of those envelopes must have held the notice about that. Another must have held the warrant for my arrest for unpaid tickets, and the notice that my driver's license was suspended. (p.156)

12. We did not talk about the missing sister, Shani, who was locked behind the doors of yet another psychiatric unit. We did not talk about our mother, sitting in the shadows of her mind, alone in our childhood home.

13. In an effort to cement the cracks in our relationship, Eli and I decided to buy a new house and tell ourselves new lies..... In the new house, Eli wouldn't be depressed..... In the new house, I would have a fresh start after my loss.

14. By high school, the boys were often smoking weed and hiding alcohol in the ceiling tiles of the school bathrooms. (This is in a Haredi school.)

15. ...very few ex-Hasidic parents leave their formal communities with all four of these: custody of their children, financial independence, mental health, and the ability to be "out" --as gay or non-religious. At least one was always sacrificed.

16. She explained that their educational testing revealed that Avigdor, who was set to enter 8th grade in the fall, was on a 2nd grade reading level. (This is the level of education he got from Haredi school.)

Verdict:
1. Recommended at the price of<$8.

2. A better book to read would probably be "Open," by Jenny Block. (She is a Jewish woman that had relationships with both men and women, and after the sex fizzled out with her husband, she took a long-term girlfriend within the context of her marriage and she in her husband both agreed on it because they understood that sexual satisfaction is separate to raising children in a stable environment.)

A Jenny Block setupmight have been an easier solution to this author's quandary. (And sexual boredom / dissatisfaction is something that happens all the time in all couples have to navigate it at some point. Even a man with a woman like the Kardashians/Tali Dova/ Odelia Halevy will eventually get his fill of her.)

Better you read about a solution that has already been developed than read about someone who was unable to solve the problem smoothly.

[Jupiter · Rating 2 out of 5]

Yes, yes, WE KNOW YOU'RE THIN. I got it the first twenty times you mentioned it. God.

The book just goes on and on and on. It started to feel very, very boring after the 30% mark or so.

All in all, this was... fine. I'm not sure if Glass realizes just how fucking lucky and privileged she is. I mean, getting 100K a year from your dad? Then marrying a rich man who paid for everything?

Yes. Your hard work did it all. Sigh. No self-awareness to speak of.

Now, I'm not saying that she's a bad person. Just a bit delulu, you know? It doesn't seem like she realizes how good she had it, how easy her life was compared to those who live in poverty, who don't have rich daddies, or rich husbands. Yes, there was a period in her life when she didn't have a lot of money, and was really struggling.

What she went through? Unimaginable. No one deserves to suffer like that. But it seems like she's not quite managed to make peace with everything. I'm just thinking out loud, though.

The writing was fine. A bit too clunky, too much jumping around, too little kissing girls on Shabbat, y'know?

[Coralie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley and to Simon & Schuster for an ARC of this memoir.

Wow, this memoir is amazing. I devoured it in two days. Sara's story is compelling and engaging. I felt so much sadness and agony for her and I loved to be able to witness her journey as she "figured herself out". It's beautiful to witness that she was able to actually be true to herself. I loved the way she stayed so strong for her kids and always wanted to do right by them.

Her journey through various relationships and marriages was also interesting to read about and the emotions were so vivid.

I also truly enjoyed to read so deeply about the Orthodox Jewish community - something that I have not done much of before. I will definitely be recommending this memoir to people that enjoy this genre because it ticks off so many boxes for me.

[Miranda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Before I started working in Borough Park earlier this year, I was largely ignorant of the Hasidic Jewish community there. This memoir helped me gain insight into why it’s so hard for their community members to leave. I have a lot of respect for Dr. Glass’s story and her message of authenticity. However, the book is not well written. Still, I would recommend reading it.

[Marika · Rating 5 out of 5]

Review to come, but what a wonderful memoir. One I wished that I could reread for the 1st time

*I read an advance copy and was not compensated

[Sara Goldenberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was fantastic!!! Looking forward to more rom her!!!

[Karen Mckinnon · Rating 1 out of 5]

Audio version. Enjoyed the first third, then was predictable with many cliche analogies.