It Wasn't Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion

by Beverly Engel

Shame is one of the most destructive of human emotions. If you suffered childhood physical or sexual abuse, you may experience such intense feelings of shame that it almost seems to define you as a person. In order to begin healing, it’s important for you to know that it wasn’t your fault . In this gentle guide , therapist and childhood abuse expert Beverly Engel presents a mindfulness and compassion-based therapeutic approach to help you overcome the debilitating shame that keeps you tied to the past. By following the step-by-step exercises in this book, you’ll gain a greater understanding of the root cause of your shame. And by cultivating compassion toward yourself, you will begin to heal and move past your painful experiences. Recent studies show that trauma survivors, particularly those with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) resulting from abuse, can greatly benefit from incorporating elements of self-compassion into their treatment. Furthermore, the practice of self-compassion has been shown to decrease PTSD symptoms, including, self-criticism, thought suppression, and rumination. This book is based on the author’s powerful and effective Compassion Cure program. With this book, you will develop the skills needed to finally put a stop the crippling self-blame that keeps you from moving on and being happy. You’ll learn to focus on your strengths, your courage, and your extraordinary ability to survive. Most of all, you’ll learn to replace shame with its counter emotion―pride.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Audiobook, Personal Development, Health

264 pages, Paperback

First published January 2, 2015

About the author

Beverly Engel has been a psychotherapist for thirty years, specializing in the areas of abuse recovery, relationships, women’s issues and sexuality. She is also the best-selling author of 20 self-help books, many of which have been featured on national television and radio programs (Oprah, CNN, Ricki Lake, Starting Over) as well as national print media (O Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Psychology Today, The Washington Post, The LA Times, and The Chicago Tribune to name a few).

She is considered one of the world’s leading experts on the issue of emotional abuse, as well as a pioneer on the issue, having written one of the first recovery books on the subject (The Emotionally Abused Woman).

Reviews

[Shauna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am having a hard time reviewing this book because of the fact I have such mixed emotions about it. Engel's book brought to light a lot of issues I had been stuffing from childhood. It helped me to understand on a deeper level how traumatizing my childhood was in certain aspects.

But, on the other hand Beverly's book is also supremely compassionate. She guides the reader in a series of helpful exercises to help you become more aware of, and more forgiving toward yourself. It was recommended to me that I look for books on self-compassion and I think I found a diamond. This book will be useful not only now, but in years to come. This is going to be an invaluable tool for me to work through my childhood trauma one step at a time.

Beverly oozes compassion. You can feel it coming off the pages. I think that's one reason why it has been a little "easy" to take the reminders of the trauma, because I could tell she genuinely cares about the audience she is writing the book for. I HIGHLY recommend this book for anyone that struggles with feeling like childhood trauma was their fault or those who struggle with self-hate. This has been an invaluable book in my personal recovery.

[Terence · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wasn't looking for It Wasn't Your Fault, this book found me. As soon as I read the full title I realized I needed to read it and I picked it up at the library later that same day. I wish I didn't need to read this book and I wish no one ever needed to read it. Unfortunately I and many others did need to read it.

On a positive note I found It Wasn't Your Fault particularly helpful as it put a spotlight on some deep-seated internal pain I didn't know existed. At times I feel so alone in my pain and as though no one can understand how I feel. When I read a book like this one, I never cease to be amazed that a book can tell me so much about the hurt I kept quiet for far too many years.

If the full title, It Wasn't Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion, has an undeniable tug on your heart, then I'd recommend you read it to the end and apply whatever you may need.

[liv ❁ · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of those books that sucks to recommend because you don’t really want anyone to be in a place where they have to read it, but highly recommend if it seems like something that would help you. Would also advise people to be in an okay place/have a decent support system because it will *likely* retrigger a lot of stuff and make you feel a little backwards, but it was very compassionate and helps in the reframing process.

[Marian · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book, even speaking as someone who has practiced most of the techniques over the years, between therapy, teaching yoga, and mindfulness meditation.

It helped me fill in an important element, however: compassion. I haven't been giving myself nearly enough of this. I'm pretty on top of knowing why I react to things certain ways, and have learned through diligent effort to acknowledge and process my emotions. And even - the hardest! - to ask for help when I hit the wall of dealing with depression.

I have lots of self-care habits in place in everyday life (those mentioned above, plus knitting and hot baths, or simply turning off the phone and reading a good book), but I hadn't learned how to apply self-compassion to my pain.

This book has quickly changed how I meet my emotions. Instead of, "I am so messed up and I can't even handle the simplest of relationships," I can think, "It is understandable I'd have difficulty with relationships, given my past."

I really appreciate this message. This book can help people at every level of dealing with childhood abuse, though I would definitely suggest newcomers take it very slowly and get help from a therapist, too.

[Leigh Anne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I sincerely hope you never need to read a book like this, but if you do, or you're the collection developer in the Rs at your library, I would add this to your TBR/order list. It's a deceptively slim volume, but it's got a lot of practical wisdom packed into it. Best of all, it's not pink and it doesn't have rainbows on the cover, as many books in this particular oeuvre tend to. It is, however, a gentle break-it-down overview of how you or someone you love can get over whatever it is you need to get over, instead of pretending you're over it.

Engel, an LMFT, has been treating people for childhood abuse for 30+ years, and is an abuse survivor herself. She knows very well all the obstacles people can put up to their own recovery from "I'm over it" to "It really wasn't as bad as all that," and explains in non-condescending terms why that's just not going to fly. She also includes practical exercises for working through emotions (or, conversely, lack of emotions) and includes information on how to learn good self-care if it's something you were never taught. She's kind without being smothery, and she manages to be encouraging without launching into inspiration porn, another common downfall of recovery literature.

You can tell from reading this that Engel is probably really good with her in-person clients, and it definitely made me want to seek out her other work. Librarianship can lead to some delicate book recommendation situations, so you want to make sure you've got stuff in your collection that can do the talking for you. This book definitely fits the bill.

[Haniye_Mirkamali · Rating 5 out of 5]

امان از موضوعی که این کتاب بررسی میکنه..
شرم.. کلمه ای که قبل از خوندن این کتاب حتی معنیش رو هم درست نمیدونستم..
این کتاب خوندنش درد داره.. یجورایی شجاعت میخواست تا باهاش همراه شم..
زخم هام رو تازه کرد.. باهاش اشک ریختم.. اما با راه حلش‌هاش در نهایت باعث شد زخم هام رو ببینم و برای درمانشون اقدام کنم..
درد داشت اما به ارامش بعدش می ارزید..

۱۴۰۳/۰۲/۱۶

[Aly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Honestly, this is a 3-Star book with 5-Star content.

I bought this book after I came across an article she’d written that really hit home with me. It takes forever to start, as she spends what feels like an eternity advertising her “compassion cure” program in an almost infomercial-y way like it’s some sort of seminar she’s trying to sell (which is especially confusing because it made me wonder why I’d purchased the book in the first place if it was just going to be pure marketing spiel); however, she stops referring to her branding about 20% in or so. My main issue is that it’s super repetitive and poorly edited, especially in the first third. That said, this book has myriad self-compassion exercises that can help a lot of people. Though it’s a bit flowery for me at times, I think it can do tremendous good for anyone who has experienced past abuse(s) and who struggles with self-compassion or externalizing behaviors. I’ve recommended it to, and even purchased it for, multiple people. I would really love to see this get a serious professional edit though.

[Angie Westbrook · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really loved this book. It helps you to understand how you feel and how to over come. This book has helped me. I hope it will help you know that you are not alone and there is help.

[Paige P · Rating 5 out of 5]

We are not born with shame, it happens to us. Shame is a deep feeling of being inadequate, not measuring up, or not being enough. It Wasn't Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion by Beverly Engel is the most comprehensive and helpful book with research references that I have read on the subject of shame. Engel is a therapist who has worked with abuse victims, has a personal history of abuse and has suffered the effects of shame herself. Engel describes what shame is, what coping behaviors are typically developed because of unconscious shame, and how to go about healing from shame.

I have recently been researching publications and studies on shame as well as treatment for shame. I found the techniques and exercises included in It Wasn't Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion to be helpful and actually already used one in session with a client today. I especially liked that the book combines theories and treatment on recovery from shame with Mindfulness exercises that leads the reader into a positive corrective experience. In other words, one can dredge up possible sources of shame in their past, but healing from shame is another story. Beverly Engel sites research into the antidote to shame - compassion, and demonstrates how to move beyond shame by practicing self compassion. I recommend this book to clients or anyone who suffers from shame or has an interest in learning more about healing from the most destructive and painful emotion, shame.

[Travel Writing · Rating 5 out of 5]

Shame is the topic du jour in the self help circles lately.

Beverly Engel's work on shame is so practical, so grounded and offers actual exercises to work with.

That is one of the things I find so wonderful about her work- how practical she is and how unflinching she is about the hard stuff.

She has this innate ability to write so simply, yet each of her books is so dense with healing and support and information. She writes about heavy, hard stuff and is able to connect without the reader with out judgement. Some things are really hard to read and I found myself pushing the information away or feeling mad- then there would be an exercise to work through any aversive feelings. She really is profoundly good at writing and connecting.

[Amanda Lathellan · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book I only read because my therapist recommended it for me as part of my treatment plan and I’m glad she did.
I mentally and literally go back to this book on a daily basis to remind myself of exercises, facts, and mantras. I even have its place permanently on my desk while I work so it’s always close in proximity.
The only downside to this book to me was that there was a ton if repetition that bored me at times but overall it was a good read for me. I would recommend this to anyone who has ever suffered any kind of abuse from anyone in their life.

[Serena · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was such an eye-opener for me. The author scatters some really helpful exercises throughout this book that I highly recommend doing if you read this book. I learned so much about myself, my trauma, and how to move forward with this book. There were so many helpful realizations and solid definitions that really forced me to confront some stuff I had been hiding away. If you have any sort of childhood trauma, definitely pick up this book - I honestly have not read such a helpful book in a long time.

[gly · Rating 5 out of 5]

A necessary read for people who've faced abuse. It comes with trigger warnings too.

[Kumari de Silva · Rating 1 out of 5]

I bought this book because of the strikingly good reviews, not just glowing but articulate reviews. After eagerly awaiting the book for 9 days (I really can't figure out what is up with the Post Office these days. It's not like I ordered it during Xmas rush, just the end of March.) I read the book in a single sitting. It's short. It's slender. And it didn't have anything new in it. I guess that's what disappointed me the most.

If you've never read a self-help book before maybe you'd give it a 3 out of 5, meaning middle of the road because none of the advice is terrible. It's just nothing new.

For a slender book about half of it is NOT devoted to how to help yourself. About half of it is on recognizing the problem. What it looks like. How it manifests. Who it manifests in. Little scenarios from out of her practice - scenes of people crippled by shame so we know what she's talking about. I get it. All the self-help books use this format. I'm just kind of tired of it. It seems like you would know from the title if you want a self-help book or not. And Since I Know I need one, why should I have to plow through 60 pages of this is what it looks like if you had abusive/neglectful parents. AND This is what it looks like if you have SHAME.

Finally we get to some exercises but there's nothing new. I been told lots of times to "forgive" myself or move on and yipes if it were an intellectual problem I probably COULD move on by demand. But unfortunately despite intellectually understanding my parents were not great parents I seem to be unable to unravel some of the worst damage they did.

I am trying some of the exercises, and if they work I might increase my rating. But for right now, it's a one because there was not one new piece of information in this book. :(

[rowdyreducer · Rating 5 out of 5]

i need therapy

[Alina · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book offers self compassion as a method of a recovery from trauma. Bellow are the lists of exercises that are offered by the author:
- Exercise: remembering compassion from others in a past- The goal is to treat yourself as the most compassionate person you know will treat you;Acknowledging our own suffering is important. Avoid be in denial, surviving the abuse is not the same as facing the truth of what happened to you and why it happened, unless you stop blaming yourself for the abuse and face it that someone who you cared about can treat you in such damaging selfish, calis ways.Do not minimize the abuse, do not give the excuse or deny that the abuse took place.
- Exercise: your childhood from a different perspective
Write a story about your childhood as you were writing about someone else entirely. Be simply a story teller. Explain in the story what child, did, felt and thought.
- Exercise: 1. Ground yourself, place feet on the floor, take deep breaths. 2. Imagine that you can look inside your body, and see where the shame surround abuse is located. Find shame or any feeling that cause you feel that you are bad in your body. 3. Imagine that you are reaching out inside your body and pulling it out of your body. 4. Through all that ugly dark stuff on the abuser, where it belongs. Open your eyes and do a throughing motion towards abuse 5. As you do this, say out loud here take back your shame. It’s yours not mine.
- Ex.: write a letter to your abuser and don’t sent it. Walk around the house, express all the angry feelings you have
Imagine you seat beside you abuser, tell them exactly how he/she how you feel about what he did to you. Don’t hold back, don’t be afraid. Put your head Face down on the pillow and scream if needed

- exercise Coping with numbness or sadness: sough and comfort yourself: take a bath, treat yourself, speak to a friend, go for a walk. understand how you were abused, you might feel deeply sadden, feel that sadness, let the tears flow, don’t reseats. when ready write down the type of abuse you experienced

-Exercise: recognized the way you were abused: 1. Write down the facts of each type of the abuse you suffered, who, what, when and where? 2 Then describe how each abuse affected your life at the time and as the time went by.

-Exercise Watch out for denials:1. I am afraid to admit that I was abused this way because.... 2. If I admit that I was abused I will have to feel...3. If I admit how much abuse has affected me ....4. I don’t want to face the truth of my abuser because ...5. I am afraid to allow myself to feel anger and sadness because ....

-Exercise:1. Imagine that the author is seating where you are. 2. Have a list from previous exercise on the way you were abused at hand 3. Slowly read the list to yourself in silence, notice how you feel while reading the list 4. Now read the list once again, this time out loud, imagine you are talking directly to me, notice how you feel 5. Listen to the passage: I want you to know how sorry I am that you suffered so much and so deeply because of the abused you have experienced. No one should suffer the way you have. I know you felt alone with your suffering, thinking that possibly no one can understand, that no one really cares, but I want you to know as do understand your suffering and I do care. I understand because I am too abused survivor. I also understand for years I have been practicing, I heard thousands of clients telling me about their abusive experience and it gave me a deep understanding how abuse can cause people to suffer. I care because I don’t think anyone should suffer alone. I also know that know I gotta that someone is caring about the suffering, you are not alone.

- Exercise: 1. Write down the words you were desperate to hear from someone. 2. Read it out loud and imagine that someone you really cared about spoken them to you at the time.3. Take a deep breath and really take the words in, notice how you feel. 4. Write those statements on the index card and place it where you can read them and see again and again

- Exercise the wave: 1. ground yourself, use the breathing/ meditation technique focus on present. 2. Observe the emotions, notice how it makes you feel, notice what happens in your body as you feel the emotion. 3 Don’t judge the emotion as good or bad it is simply it is what it is? 4. Fully experience your emotion, but allow to experience it as a wave. Something that comes and goes, try not to suppress the feeling or push it away and don’t hold on to the emotions or emplephy it’s just let it rise and calm down at its own time

- Exercise: detaching from the emotions: 1.Ground yourself
2. Separate yourself from the emotion by saying to yourself I am not my emotion.3. Remind yourself that you do not need to react on your emotion 4. Remind of yourself of the time you felt differently when you weren’t overwhelmed by this emotion or didn’t feel threatened 5. Remind of yourself the time you over came the emotion

- Exercise: self soothing:1. Ground yourself 2. Gently strike your arm, give yourself a hug 3. Notice how your body feels after each soothing touch 4. Notice which soothing touch gives you the best satisfaction, a better association with one then another?

- ****Exercise- support yourself - self compassion letter Find a one or two pictures of yourself when you were young preferably of the time of the abuse. 1. Ground yourself 2. Take a long look at the picture(s)
3. Look at your posture, body ques, facial expression to understand how you where feeing at the time
4.notice how you feel when you look at the picture and what you where going the through at the time of the abuse
5. Write yourself self compassionate letter where you tell your child self how you feel now as you think about how you suffered as a child. Write it as your adult self addressing child self
6. Once completed, read the letter out loud to yourself
Identify where you feel the pain

- Where do you feel the emotion in your body can help you to identify:
1. Grief or sadness may cause tension in the chest area
2 when we feel anger it is often tension in the neck, shoulders, neck
3. Fear always a tension in the stomach
4. Shame often fees an empty feeing in the upper body or head

- Exercise- softening to your feelings
1. Locate where the emotion is 2. Soften into it
3. Notice how you feel 4. Continue to soften into a he feeing

- *****Exercise of self compassion!!!!Grounding yourself
Giving history of the abuse it is. understandable.....
I would want to block out some pain and drink
I shut myself down
I am afraid of intimacy
I am afraid of the confrontation
I am afraid to upset others
I am afraid to stand up for myself
I feel that I am on my own
I feel like I can’t trust anyone

- !Exercise: connection between your abuse and your behaviors !!!!
1. Make a list of your troubling behaviors, the things you have done that caused you shame the most
2. Take a closer look at each behavior and see if it has connection to your abuse experiences. Use the sentence- giving the history of my abuse it’s understandable that I would behave like this....
3. Check if you can feel and be compassionate towards yourself and your suffering.
4. When you catch yourself in a similar behavior catch yourself and repeat the sentence. I understand why I am acting like this.

- !!!! Exercise: why can’t I leave? 1. Make a list of the reasons why you unable to leave the situation/relationship e.g fear of being alone, fear of being unwanted, fear of not being loved, cared for. 2. Search your childhood for connections in terms of reasons you listed. E.g. lack of family/ friendships; not being held, told that I am loved cared for

- !!!!Exercise:what do you have common with your parents? !!!Have 2/3 pieces of paper 1 p. How your mother is and was neglectful or abusive towards you or others? Include attitudes, verbal comments and behavior. 2 page list your fathers behaviors, attitudes, comments, were or are neglectful or abusive? 3. If you were raised by other adults make a separate list of those people that have been neglectful or abusive. 4. On the other page list the ways you have been abusive, neglectful towards your partner, children, or anyone else in your life.5 Compare your lists, note the similarities how you have been neglectful or abusive and your parents

- How do you view yourself and others- self esteem understanding !!!!! Exercise subtle affects of abuse and neglect: The neglect and abuse has affected me in a following ways .....The way I view others and myself

- Exercise: remind yourself how powerless the child actually is. This exercise is focused on reminding that it wasn’t your fault

1. Next time you are around children that same age when you were abused, take a closer look at them. Pick the one that resembles you the most
2. Notice how small the child is in comparison to adults around him
3. Think about how easy it would be for the adult to physically pin down the child, preventing him from leaving.
4. Reflect on how dependent the child is on the adult around him
5. Forgive yourself for going back !!!!

- Exercise for forgiving yourself for being sexually abused
1. List everything you feel shame about or blame yourself for concerning sexual abuse eg I feel shame for not saying no; I feel shame for not telling; I blame myself for turning abuser on ect
2. For each item that you listed give at least 3 reasons why you did eg I didn’t say no cause I was afraid to; I didn’t say no cause I didn’t really understand what he was doing
3. Now complete the following sentence for the itemnon your list: I am not responsible... because... eg I am not responsible for saying no because I was a child and I thought I had to do what an adult tells me to do.
4. Complete sentence for each items you listed I forgive myself for... eg I forgive myself for not saying no
5. After completion of the sentces go back and read the list out loud, really take it in.
6. Forgive your body for enjoying the sexual abuse, for its betrayal. The body responding doesn’t mean you want it. Forgive your fingers for the touch. You were innocent, your body was responding to stimulation,it did what it meant to do

- Exercise!!!!Forgive and cleanse your body
1. For each body part that have betrayed you ..
I forgive you... for ...
2. Soak in hot bath, imagine it’s all soaked out of your body
3. Imagine pooping compassionate energy to your body, wholesome pure cleansed inside out

- Exercise: self forgiveness letter:1. write a letter asking forgiveness for all the way you harmed yourself incl. your body, how your parents and abusers treated you. Also inc the way you harmed yourself by being too hard on yourself; harm you caused by pushing people away and being misunderstood by others.2. Don’t expect to write that letter in one sitting take your time and really consider the ways you harmed yourself. 3. As you write bring all self compassion as you can master

- Exercise: your inner critique of your parents:
1. Write down about what your parents wanted or you and from you-how did they want you to act and why? How did they communicate this? How did it affect you?
2. Explore the way how your inner critique acts as a judge/ your parents? How you relate to yourself the way they related to you?

How to evaluate your inner critique?
- do you spend a lot of time evaluating your performance, appearance, abilities and past history? Do you set very high standards for yourself ? Is it difficult to live up to the standards you judge yourself to? Do you leave yourself little breathing room to make mistakes? Is your underlining sense of self often determined by your believes what is right and wrong? ***Is your sense of self determined if you met your standards or standards of others????****
***Do you spend a great deal of time worrying that you done something wrong? ***** do you constantly compare yourself to others and Accra of others ?
Are you often envious of others successes and achievements ?

Steps to quite inner critique -notice how often you do it and at what circumstances
Exercise: noticing your inner critical messages:
1. Begin to notice how often you hear ctirical messages inside your head, keep up frequency by keeping a diary when you hear your inner critique 2. Notice when those messages tent to come up.
3. Write down content of critical messages you hear. This will help you to determine whose voice you hearing ?
4. Talk back at your inner critique to quite it down.
Eg I don’t believe you, that’s poison, that’s garbage, this are lies, these are same lies my mother told me. 5. Be supportive and compassionate to yourself
I am doing the very that I can. I am only human and human make mistakes. Giving my circumstances this is what I am capable at this time.

-Exercise: creating nurturing inner voice:
1. Get comfortable, lie down, close your eyes, take soothing breathing exercises
2. Place your right hand to your heart, pay attention to it, center it.
3. As you breath in and out visualize your heart as a flower, slowly opening your heart, feeling light and love. Allow this love to hear your heart, your past hearts
4, visualize this love expanding out of your heart and spreading inside your body, allow your body to feel light and love
5. Begins to bring out nurturing inner voice being kind to you. Notice what they are saying: may I accept myself just as I am; may I be gentle and understanding of myself; may I give myself compassion I need; O am lovable as I am -
Continue to send love around your body, gently bring your awareness yo your room

- Exercise: Reasonable expectations is reachable giving your history, your present situation and who you are today
1. Think of current behavior you would like to change
2. Identify unreasonable expectation and create more reasonable one: giving the fact that.... it is unreasonable that I ... it is more reasonable that I am...

- Exercise: your good and bad qualities- brining the inner shadow

1. List all your so called bad qualities.the once you feel shame about and wish to change.
2. List all your good qualities, the once you are proud of
3. Compare you lists
4. Go deeper, writes down how your good qualities at some circumstances can be negative once
Eg wanting to help others vs taking it to extreme and stop taking care of your own needs
5. Write how some of your negative qualities can be positive eg selfish behavior vs taking care of yourself

Manage your shadow, take charge of it!!!
(Acceptable and unacceptable qualities/behaviors set by family’s eg sex before marriage is bad therefore you will suppress the desires as adult and will burst it out of you at unexpected times, unwelcome ways)
- we disown our feelings and put them into the shadow -eg nice girls don’t curse
***$expressing feelings and getting been bitten up, will be a message expressing feelings is unsafe ****

- ****Exercise: the messages you received
1. List all the message you received from parents or care takers that encourage you to hide or discourage or disown certain aspects of yourself
2. List all the messages you received that may have led you to repress your emotions.
Think about how this suppression and disowning has affected your life eg disown your anger as a child now find out its difficult to express your anger or to be assertive when you need to. Or do you now have a problem of controlling your anger

Creation of my shadow:

- Exercise: mindful inquiry:
1. Sit quietly and breath.Ask yourself. What do I need right now? Or what inside me, needs most attention? What wants to be accepted?
2. Notice what’s going on in your body? Is the muscles in your stomach contracted? Is the rest of your body right? Ask yourself what emotions you might be feeling now? What cause your body to feel so tight?
3. Notice how noticing the pain it causes to finish and with it self judgement
4 add compassion by sending a message to fear, pain such as I care about this suffering, this feeling. Sit with your feelings as you would sit with good friend that is struggling... I care about this suffering/ I care about this fear/ I care about this feeling (repeat several times the one that applicable)

Exercise: radical acceptance
- list all your flaws, aspects of yourself you are ashamed off, aspects of yourself you have been working on changing
2. Read each flaw out loud and accept it you yourself may I love and accept my flaw exactly as I am. Take a deep breath each time you say the phrase.

Exercise: words of kindness:1 How would you describe a word kindness, write it down and put it on the piece of paper or the journal. 2. Write down in the journal what is it feel like receiving someone’s kindness? How does it feel in your body?


Self kindness practice:
1. Soother yourself and feel compassion for yourself
When you are experiencing difficulty. Talk to yourself in nurturing and positive self talk
- self care - treating your body with the respect
-self awareness- knowing what you need and providing it for yourself
- becoming your own nurturing and responsive parent

Become your own nurturing responsive parent:
- discover your needs, of unknown try different ways to discover the need. Identify your needs
- connect your feelings with needs:
Exercise: Self kindness practice feelings and needs:
1. Check in with yourself several times to check how are you feeling ? Angry/sad/shame/guilty/lonely ?
2. When you find a feeling ask yourself of corresponding need ? What do you need? I need to feel my feeling and let it fade.
Angry- speak up; sad- cry; hungry-eat; guilty- apologize;
3. You may need to try different needs before finding the one that works in a given moment. You may also have different needs attached to a feeling eg fee lonely - need: call a friend; a hug and connect with yourself.
4. Be logical in your feeing and need eg angry- need candy. Ask yourself what do I really need?

Treat yourself differently to your parents; be loving, check in how you feel when you do certain actions do not deprive yourself or indulge yourself. Be responsive nurturing parent
Exercise: treating yourself with kindness:
1. List the things you deprive yourself and really need
2. Write down of every example you can think of your parents have neglected to take care of your needs. Focus specially how they deprived you from basic needs: comfort, protection, nurturing
3 notice how you have been doing/repeating your parents neglect?
4. Write down the ideas how you can treat yourself with more kindness?

***Exercise: your expectations of yourself *****
1. Make a list and expectations you set for yourself in the past
2. Make the list how abuse you suffered made it difficult for you to reach those goals
3. Use this information to gain more compassion towards yourself and to forgive yourself for not watching past goals
4. Revise your list of goals and expectations to include that are reasonable for your to meet giving to who you are today and your current circumstances.

***exercise: I feel proud that...
1. Make a list of positive decisions that have steered you to a healthier path
2 write down things that you feel/felt proud off?

***** clarify your goal***
1. State your goal as clearly and simply
2. Write about why you want to accomplish this goal?
3. List at least 3 reasons why accomplishing those goals will make your life better? Make sure that your goals are self compassionate, helping you to heal

[Em · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book talks about the 'Compassion Cure': self-understanding, self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, self-kindness, and self-encouragement. The author explains why shame can result from childhood abuse, how it manifests in adulthood, and how to resolve it. The book provides a lot of exercises to help the reader understand, forgive and accept their actions and beliefs (but not necessarily to 'excuse' them, e.g. those who have continued the cycle of abuse as an abuser are not given a free pass to continue), and how to be kind and encouraging to themselves. It's written in a supportive manner, but it's not patronising or trite.

[Nathan Albright · Rating 4 out of 5]

It would be a lot easier to wholeheartedly recommend this book if the author had not felt it necessary to connect self-compassion with a focus on promoting aspects of Buddhism [1]. The Golden Rule tells us to love others as we love ourselves, not because we think others are exactly like us, but because we believe that as their own people they deserve to be respected as the same sort of beings we are. Yet survivors of abuse (this book, quite intentionally, speaks of victims, as a way of divorcing people from the responsibility of the abuse they suffered) often lack precisely the proper understanding of the love and respect and honor that belongs to all people by birthright, simply by being a child of God, largely because of the misfortune of being born into a dysfunctional family. And because the most obvious course for such brokenness to take is for broken people to further break others in some fashion, it is lamentably easy for generational cycles or patterns of abuse to continue on, something the author discusses in deeply unpleasant and even graphic ways [2]. This is not the sort of book one reads for enjoyment; it is rather the sort of book one reads either because one wishes to provide compassionate care to others or because one wishes to be more compassionate to oneself for what was clearly not one’s own fault, even if dealing with the aftermath is one’s unwanted responsibility.

In a little over 250 pages, this book has eleven chapters (and a very short conclusion) divided into three parts. The first part looks at the antithetical relationship between shame and compassion, examining how and why child abuse creates shame, why shame is so debilitating, and how compassion can heal the shame of child abuse. The author is careful to point out that guilt comes from something that we have done, from having behaved immorally or unjustly, but that shame comes from what we are, and is correspondingly more difficult to handle effectively because it strikes at our identity, even if it comes from the conduct of others. The second part of the book provides a discussion of the compassion cure program, giving the obstacles to self-compassion, the importance of receiving compassion from others, and allowing yourself to feel your pain and to acknowledge its existence. The third part of the book looks at the practice of the five aspects of self-compassion: self-understanding, self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, self-kindness, and self-encouragement. Aside from its personal comments, from the author’s own experience with child abuse and being raped and abused, the author also speaks as a practicing psychologist who speaks of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in the language of self-compassion.

There are both positive and negative aspects to this book. A far more beneficial approach would have been to address the reality of our status as sinful and fallen beings and the fact that we cannot achieve salvation on our own efforts. That said, we have a loving heavenly Father who wishes to honor us, as that brings reflected glory to Him, and who wishes for us to grow up to be like him in love and mercy and understanding. We also have an Elder Brother, our Savior Jesus Christ, who experienced human brokenness and opened the way for us to be restored, for the slate to be wiped clean, for us to live and walk in His righteousness. A book like this is useful insofar as the reader is led to show mercy and compassion to those who wronged us, to apologize to those whom we have wronged, even unintentionally, and to reflect on the mercy that God has given us by allowing us the chance to escape from the miserable default fate of those who suffer abuse only to destroy ourselves through sins and addictions, and to spread the cycle of abuse to others. For those who are seeking to become less intensely self-critical, and more loving and compassionate to themselves and others, and whose background includes a large amount of abuse, it is worthwhile to take the effort to draw encouragement and insight from a book like this, flawed though it is. The author is lamentably all too right that our own culture prizes tends to blame and shame those who suffer abuse, both because it shows weakness that many are unwilling to admit, and also because the existence of wrongs would tend to delegitimize those who enjoy present power and privilege in our present evil world. Thankfully, we will all stand before a judge who is both just and merciful, even if we struggle with being compassionate to our own human frailties and weaknesses in light of the harsh and unforgiving world in which we live.

[1] This is a common problem in self-help books. See, for example:

https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...

[2] See, for example:

https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...

[Leanne Albillar · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lot of good advice in this book as well as compassion and encouragement. However, the last section included a heavy dose of ableism and using a disabled person as inspiration porn, which was a massive disappointment.

[Ellie Chappell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Saved my life.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent, excellent book.

[Cara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pure love ❤️

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

It Wasn't Your Fault by Beverly Engel, LMFT
Freeing Yourself from Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion

2015

Received digital copy from NetGalley for review.
How shame affects victims of childhood abuse

"Shame is the lie someone told you about yourself."
~Anais Nin

The author is a counselor who develops the effective, Compassion Cure program, based on her own experience with childhood abuse. She describes the feelings of guilt and shame which feed the PTSD most people feel. Through her program she explains how one must heal herself of these negative emotions in order to move forward.

"The Compassion Cure program will teach you specific compassionate attitudes and skills that can reverse your tendency to view yourself in a blaming, condemning, self-critical way."

This book provides suggestions as to how to build self compassion and ultimately self esteem. It identifies the very common yet destructive feeelings of fear and self loathing that can prevent total healing.

[Tammy Hastings · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received this book through goodreads giveaways and gave it to my daughter. Here is her review:

It took me a while to read it since my books-to-read list is getting longer and longer. But it was a very good book. Luckily, I came from a great family and was never abused, but I wanted this book for my son, who is adopted and came from a very abusive home before he entered mine. This book really gave me some insights into his psyche and some of the things he has gone through. It helped me open a dialogue with him when I needed to. I really suggest that any person going through this situation read this book. It's truly a help.

[Beverly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I won "It Wasn't Your Fault" on Goodreads First Reads. This is a very good book, full of useful advice.

[Inez · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great first book for adult survivors of abuse who are ready to look in detail at what happened, how it affects them now and how to heal from it. I found it very helpful.

[Dianna Lyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent for healing

[Isabel Rego · Rating 5 out of 5]

It wasn’t your fault

Excellent book for those of us that were emotionally, physically or sexually abused. It validated my feelings and memories of my dysfunctional childhood.

[Emad · Rating 5 out of 5]

My childhood tolerated the entire suffering of living.
Shame: it is a lie that we have said to ourselves.
We can see anger and fear, but shame is a feeling which cannot be realized easily.
Shame is the anger that has been hidden from inside.
Shame brings about perfectionism, self-neglect, self-criticism, clumsiness and accident-prone, addiction, and extreme approval-seeking.
How does shame appear in us? 1) Spanking Kids in Childhood: Stripping Away Their Humanity and Dare. 2) Parents can use child emotion: they may threaten the child from the loss of a parent or humiliate the kid. 3) sexual assault: it is hidden by the child due to the prudency and shame.
In a child filled with shame, they may expect betrayal even when others show them mercy and kindness.
Five steps of remedy and release from shame: 1) self-awareness, self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, self-kindness, and self-motivation.
---
Shame is the intrinsic reaction of the human to abuse.
---
+ The child may feel shameful if she/he shows her/his parents to others.
+ The child hides behind a shell of their own making. He even conceals himself from his own self.
+ The child feels contaminated, and that's why he behaves badly with his own body.
+ The child believes that others will abandon him if they truly understand who he is.
- The child feels Helplessness, Lack of communication, Loneliness, and worthlessness.
+ A shameful child prefers to be hidden from anyone and anything.
---
Freedom from shame marks the beginning of a new life, allowing us to savor life once more.
---
We do not know ourselves when we are kids; Parents are our mirrors who introduce us to ourselves -> parents can destroy our personality and being.
Shame remains in us when we are silent. We need to yell to expel the shame.
+ A child's acknowledgment of shame is a remedy. Self-compassion is necessary.
What are the factors stopping self-compassion? 1) Believing that self-compassion is self-nurturing. 2) Fear of being weak, lazy, or self-indulgent. 3) The shameful people believe they deserve to be criticized, 4) They do not understand how heavy the shame load is that they tolerate.
+ The acknowledgment of our torment is the acknowledgment of our personality and identity.
+ Try to change your anger direction from inside to outside. Return the shame to its main owner who made it in you.
+ Allow others to express their compassion toward you, and be open to accepting it.
---
Feel your torment.
If we do not face the torments that we have had, 1) We forfeit the highs and lows of life's thrills; 3) These thrills lose their luster and crumble; 4) Our energy wanes; 5) Loneliness ensues, even we will lose ourselves.

Embrace grief without fearing: 1) it will consume you; 2) it will lead to depression; 3) you lack the strength to endure it; 4) you'll remain stuck in the past.

Show kindness to yourself and your body.
Remember, within you resides an ancient experienced being, a legacy of billions of years from your ancestors.
---
There is a past that remains in the present.
Like stress disorder, there are three reactions that our subconscious employs to hinder self-awareness: 1- Repetition of experience: It keeps the trauma alive. When a similar sign of the relevant shame appears, it brings us to the past. 2- Prohibition: It prevents us from doing any action which may remind us of the past. In this case, the avoidance leads to deeper shame because the child finds her/himself as the main guilty person. 3- Extreme anger: it leads to extreme anger and aggression in different situations.

When this everlasting loop of anger is ended? Whenever we find its core.
We should be aware of: 1) we embrace surrender: we accept shame as a part of our personality, fear revealing our true selves to others, become trapped by their expectations, and fear their anger, often trying not to provoke negative reactions.
2) we may choose to escape from society.
3) Assault and attack: We may opt to attack and harm others in an attempt to bring shame upon them.

We will feel freedom by self-awareness. Let's be honest, sincere, and genuine with ourselves.
We remain as children until we attain self-awareness.
---
Self-forgiveness: It is the most important step that we should carry out to pass through shamefulness.
- We should forgive ourselves because of the abuses that we have tolerated.
- We should forgive ourselves for those situations where we may cause harm to others as a result of our shame. (It is the hardest part. Because now we know how it may affect their life. But listen we have been the shame victim and we did it when we were not aware of it.)
- We should forgive ourselves for those situations where we may cause harm to ourselves as a result of our shame.

+ Sometimes we may think that we deserved to be blamed by our parents --> we should understand it has not been our fault. It has been the result of parents' ignorance.
+ Sometimes we may think parents have been always bad to us and they have been kind in some situations --> It is hard to imagine they have been cold-hearted
+ Sometimes we may be afraid of reviewing parents' guilts and faults because it may affect our opinion about them --> It should be noted that if we cannot have a deep emotional relationship with them if we do not review their faults.

Parents' power spoils them!
The children who have been abused by sexual assault may find themself guilty because: + They have bent the knee in all situations; + They have been too weak to fight; + They have not talked about it with others; + They have accepted the abuser; + They had a good feeling when they have been touched by the abuser.

The child is afraid of being afraid.
We all are guilty and victims as well.
It would be a significant achievement if we break the cycle and prevent shame from spreading.
---
Self-acceptance: Accept whatever you are! We accept ourselves while we are aware of our imperfections.
The shameful people live in the unreasonable expectation and defeats loop. In this loop, firstly they cease themselves and then they leave the loop.
There is an internal critic which is the voice of one of the parents in childhood. There is no way to make this voice internal when you are a shameful person. It becomes an internal parent. This voice continuously suggests: - infinite perfection; - continuous blame and rebuke; - reproofs even when it is not your fault; - calls you stupid and ugly; - it keeps comparing you with others and attributes deficit to you; - highlights deficiency and failure and does not show your successes; - exaggerates and spreads weaknesses; - uses never ever.
+ Find the aforementioned voice. Name it, draw it to bring it into your consciousness!
You could not be good in any situation and condition. Being a continuously nice person makes you disappointed. This attributes sins to you.
+ Integrity must be a target, not the perfection!
+ A person is as sick as her/his secrets.
+ Imagination is not just the first step, sometimes it is the main step or event it is the entire action!
---
Self-kindness: Reminding of a person who was kind to you! If we try to be kind to ourselves to the level of that person, it would be excellent! An infant's needs must be satisfied. A distressed parent cannot satisfy the infant's needs. It transfers all of her/his stress and distress to the infant. The relationship with the mother is the closest and deepest relationship of an infant in his whole life. The infant understands the mother in each condition even with her smell and voice. So, the mother's emotions are directly transferred to the infant. Thus, Thus, Thus, mothers' life condition in any society affects the fate of a large society.
+ There is no option and election, the kid always chooses her/his parents.
+ Kid translates all of the mother's emotions and her/his communication with the mother. So, the mother becomes a mirror that the kid is used to seeing her/him-self.
+ We have abandoned ourselves, and it is required to come back home. Everything should be adjusted to help us back home.
+ Nothing is horrible; nothing is forbidden; nothing is dangerous. Be brave on the way back home. You have been the one who has passed through the darkness when left the home. So, there is nothing darker than what you saw.
+ Do not hide anything and be frank to yourself.
+ Use the broken bricks of your body to make a bridge and pass to come back home!
+ There is a difference between "need" and "demand". Sometimes we may "need" to hold something, but "demand" ask to release!
+ You need to remove the mask to show the right! Even if the demand is hiding the right face.
+ You may need to offer love to yourself in any aspect and situation!
+ A mature person can make a balance between the parent and the kid!
+ As a mature: 1) do not be anxious while hearing your needs; 2) be serious in all situations and responsibilities; 3) be frank and outspoken; 4) be responsible; 5) be supportive.
+ You are free when you accept responsibility for your actions!
+ Start changing in small steps; just be consistent and persistent!
+ As a result of being a mature parent, you will enter a new world where all the previous abusers will get away from you! Because they understand they cannot abuse you anymore.
---
Self-motivation: Losing oneself internally to gain external validation is the pinnacle of foolishness.
+ Child Prodigy's Elegy: They started to destroy the child's personality and wound his spirit to make him smarter. - They said the child should be seen but not be heard. - Keep the children hungry and only feed them every 4 hours. - Do not touch the children. - Leave the kid alone outside.
+ There are many such types of elegy such as 1) Good bot elegy; 2) polite child elegy; 3) fun child elegy.
+ All of the named elegies are "disheartening disappointment of being liked/loved."
+ Hell is furnished automatically with the good intentions!
+ A successful person may become successful because of fear not love! 1) Fear of freedom; 2) fear of kindness; 3) fear of understanding; 4) fear of question; 5) fear of growth; 6) fear of uncertainty; 7) fear of others; 8) fear of himself.
+ Fear becomes a king in silence.
+ Fear starts killing us with silence.
+ We should remove the shame! We must say/yell to remove the shame!
+ If there is a fear of falling, the only rescue is a voluntary fall.
+ Wherever your fear exists, your duty is there.
+ The biggest opportunity lives behind your biggest fear.
+ See what is your biggest fear to understand in which way you will grow!
+ We must say; it is our main duty because shame rules the world!
+ We are living in jail when we are silent.
+ As long as fear separates me from my past, I am walking to make myself free. Therefore, embrace your past and embrace your fears, for it is through acceptance that true freedom is found.
+ I feared but I did it!
+ We passed a fear each week!
+ Let yourself fall if it is needed to fall, the one that you need to be will find you!
+ Walk through darkness and get yourself back!

[Scout Collins · Rating 5 out of 5]

EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT, EXTREMELY HELPFUL BOOK

I was searching for good books on trauma and self-compassion, when I found this one on Goodreads. I also simultaneously started reading one of the author's other books on self-compassion (but finished this one before getting very far on that one).

This book was basically exactly what I was looking for. The author has a "Self-Compassion Cure" program for the reader to do through written exercises related to self-compassion, meditation, and self-acceptance. She takes all the good points out of Kristin Neff's Self-Compassion and incorporates them into her own healing program, which is made up of five components--self: understanding, forgiveness, acceptance, kindness, and encouragement.

This book was very enlightening about childhood trauma, shame, abuse, and reasons why people who were abused act the ways they do and also explains why they suffer in the ways they do (such as why women stay in abusive relationships - it's much more complicated than it may seem).

I believe that by reading the book and doing the exercises, it can really give people a space to heal and provide direction and support, especially if you don't currently have a therapist or other mental health professional to assist you.

The book was pretty well organized, with the author mentioning what was to come throughout each chapter. She included personal anecdotes and stories from her clients to help illustrate concepts/points, which were helpful. She also gave examples in many of the exercises, which were also beneficial.

This book was well-researched and put together with care. You can tell the author really wants to help you (the reader) and you can sense her good energy throughout the book. She believes in your ability to heal, and you should too.

The book is not only comprehensive, but also goes in a logical order (you must acknowledge your trauma and shame in order to heal it; become aware of your own critical voice and self-sabotaging behaviour to stop it; and finally learn new ways of thinking and treating yourself). The process clearly has steps and you can feel yourself working through them as you progress through the book.

Important Notes
"Shame is an emotion that piggybacks on trauma. It complicates the healing and recovery process on many levels... Shame is at the core of nearly every symptom victims experience--another reason it must be addressed for any real hope of recovery. [Ridding yourself of debilitating shame is most important aspect of healing]. Once you have healed from your shame, you'll have more motivation, strength and energy to tackle other issues" (31).

Many layers to childhood abuse shame--shame/humiliation from: feeling helpless/powerless from violation; feeling like disappointment to parent/authority figure; the abuser projecting shame onto us; abuse being exposed; attempts to cope with shame (addiction, self-harm, abusing others, etc.) (39). Victims can feel defective or less-than (40).

Severe effects of shame (42).

"It is important for those who internalized their anger (blaming themselves) to redirect that anger toward their abuser... When we allow ourselves to get angry at our abusers, the vital force of anger will be moving in the right direction: outward instead of inward.
Internalizing your anger/blame not only makes you feel guilty/ashamed but can cause you to punish yourself with negative relationships/self-destructive behaviour..." (87).

--

Beverly Engel knows what she's talking about, and writes for an audience of the average person (not a psychology major or therapist). It's accessible and non-intimidating, easily understandable, and she explains concepts that may be new in easily-digestible ways. Even if you've never read a self-help book before, you'd be able to understand what she is saying in this book. (But, if you have more self-help/psychology/therapy experience, you'll find the book even better).

All in all, it was a great and useful read and I have already recommended it before I finished reading it (which means it really is that good). A book worth buying for sure. The self-compassion strategies alone are worth reading the book, but on top of that you get the understanding of those who were abused (and if you have personally been abused, how to start to heal from that).

I would highly recommend to anyone interested in either a) healing their own trauma from abuse, or b) learning about shame, childhood abuse and self-compassion. Even if you have not suffered more severe abuse [in childhood], there are still excellent strategies for becoming more self-compassionate, less self-critical, and more loving of yourself and others. As the author says, everyone has a critical inner voice, but the voice is much stronger in those who were abused--but the exercises in this book would help anyone cultivate a more loving inner voice and inner state. Highly highly recommend.