How to Save Your Child from Ostrich Attacks, Accidental Time Travel, and Anything Else That Might Happen on an Average Tuesday

by James Breakwell

The parenting humorist behind the viral Twitter account @XplodingUnicorn and author of Only Dead on the A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse presents the long-awaited guide to surviving everything else

In the era of instant parent shaming and viral hot takes, some questions are too dangerous to ask out What's the proper first aid for my toddler's vampire bite? What should I do if I take a wrong turn on the way to soccer practice and end up in the Cretaceous Period? How can I fend off Godzilla without disrupting my child's nap?

Fortunately, there's now a parenting resource that answers those burning questions and many more.

Professional comedy writer and amateur father James Breakwell's latest book tackles more than 90 survival challenges ordinary parents might encounter in their everyday lives,

   • How to protect your child against tigers, penguins, mastodons, and other animals found in the suburbs.
   • How to defeat ghosts, gremlins, mummies, and any other supernatural force that might prevent you from getting your kid to bed on time.
   • How to survive crashing horses, trains, hot air balloons, and other vehicles you might find in the carpool lane.

This is an essential guide for anyone who has children, might have children someday, or is vaguely aware children exist. Put this book down at your own—and your children's—risk.

Genres: Humor, Parenting, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Psychology, Adult

Paperback

First published November 5, 2019

About the author

James Breakwell is a professional comedy writer and amateur father of four girls, ages eight and under. He is best known for his family humor Twitter account @XplodingUnicorn, which boasts more than a million followers. The account went viral In April 2016 and transformed James from a niche comedy writer into one of the most popular dad brands on social media.

Since becoming internet famous, James has been profiled by USA Today, US Weekly, The Daily Mail, Metro, The Telegraph, Cosmopolitan, Better Homes and Gardens, Buzzfeed, Huffington Post, Upworthy, The Chive, Bored Panda, 9gag, College Humor, various ABC and Fox TV news affiliates, and countless other TV, radio, and internet outlets. Pictures of his smiling girls have been displayed in newspapers as far away as India. His articles have appeared in Reader’s Digest, The Federalist, and AskMen. He writes a bi-monthly newspaper column for the IndyStar and has been a guest multiple times on HLN’s The Daily Share.

Closer Magazine named James its 2016 Blogger Dad of the Year. In 2017, he was a finalist for a Shorty Award in the parenting category.

James writes more than just family jokes. His Star Wars parody account @VeryLonelyLuke went viral in December 2015 and now has nearly 350,000 followers. Combined with James’ verified Facebook page, Instagram account, and other various comedy Twitter accounts, James has a total reach of more than 1.5 million followers. He also also reaches thousands of daily readers through his three webcomics, Unbelievably Bad, Unfridgeworthy, and Wombat Dojo.

James’ debut book, Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent’s Guide for Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse, released in October 2017. The parenting book/zombie survival guide mashup is currently available in U.S. and UK markets and is slated to be translated into French and Korean. His second book, Bare Minimum Parenting: The Ultimate Guide to Not Quite Ruining Your Child, is scheduled for release November 6, 2018.

James is represented by Mark Gottlieb of Trident Media Group. He is open to advertising and writing inquiries.

Reviews

[Sarah A · Rating 5 out of 5]

Where does one start to review this hilarious and amazing parenting book?
It literally teaches you how to save your child from the most heinous of animal attacks or trips in Deloreans.
It has proof of its usefulness with graphs and charts.
It makes you cry.
It makes you laugh out loud so hard you wake up your sleeping husband!
It makes your child want to read it too!
Another awesome adventure in mishaps and how to survive them and not feel like the worst parent ever from the most magnificent parent James, keeping four kids and some pigs alive despite the odds!

[Oana Mihoc · Rating 2 out of 5]

While the first part is really funny, the book quickly loses its charm and becomes yet another one of those "too short not to finish yet annoying enough not to keep on reading" books.

[Josh · Rating 4 out of 5]

Possibly the most important parenting book ever written.

[K Whatsherface · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a fun nonfiction book. Yes, what can be classified asnonfiction is interesting. Short, entertaining. If you likes his other books, you'll probably like this one.

Edit: I was going through my 2020 reads. This is 52. 52 is always my original goal. 1 book per week. When I get close I tend to up it to 75

[Kierra · Rating 2 out of 5]

Started as a lot of fun, but goes downhill fast. Might be fun to pick up in spurts. Put a copy on the back of the toilet for when your phone dies in there.

[Tania · Rating 4 out of 5]

James Breakwell has a brand of humor that I can relate to. He sprinkles situations that are so outrageous you can imagine they are true with just the right amount of sarcasm to make you wonder whether he's making fun of you for believing that the impossible is possible or whether he's trying to hide his terror that an alien attack is indeed just around the corner. His recent humorous guide to parenting is worth reading for many reasons, whether or not you have children of your own, but if you are a parent or spend any time caring for other people's children then you will enjoy these hypothetical scenarios and their imaginative resolutions even more. For example, what do you do about the monsters under the bed, and how is that different from how you address monsters in the closet? How dangerous is a vampire attack, and how will you ward them off (or at least redirect them to another household)? And seriously, if you and your child were transported into the pages of your (or their) favorite book, how would you survive the perils that authors have been entertaining us with for years?

Children attract danger. It's a well-known fact that people pretend is not true. Even when they aren't attracting danger, they are doing things that make you shake your head and wonder what little voice is speaking inside THEIR head right in that instance to make them do something that makes no sense at all. And then, amidst the chaos, they spout some unexpected wisdom, which makes you wonder if they actually know the power of being the one to create the chaos, and are employing that power with more craft and skill than any adult can ever manage. And then, they are back to facing random danger leaving you to wonder if you imagined it all. That is exactly the maddening circle of reality surrounding children that James Breakwell describes in his book, "How to Save Your Child from Ostrich Attacks, Accidental Time Travel, and Anything Else that Might Happen on an Average Tuesday." The title might seem a bit much, but after you face facts and realize just how much danger lies in wait for your unsuspecting (or possibly suspecting) children, you'll admit it's just the right amount of title to go with this important guide to keeping kids alive.

I find anecdotal evidence that I'm not the only person who wonders whether ghosts, vampires, and witch hunters really exist comforting. Beyond that, I'm relieved that I'm not the only person in the world who finds it necessary to map out escape plans for situations that will probably never ever happen to me or anyone I know. "How to Save..." outlines many more imaginary escape plans that I have had time to think of on my own, and I'm grateful for this time-saving measure. I found other ways to relate to the author as well, for example he mentions that he's the only child he knows who accidentally burned himself running into the grill in the backyard. I felt that way about myself, having had a similar accident as a child - no matter how stupid a memory we have from our childhood, we're not alone. He also brought back fond childhood memories of trends that no longer make any sense, such as describing doorways within the house that used strings of beads instead of doors. I had almost forgotten this charming feature, but my Grandma definitely did this at one point.

Breakwell entertains, and while the majority of adults will consider the scenarios in this book too outlandish to ever actually happen, he also teaches us how to apply logical thinking to illogical situations. This is an important life skill. When you pepper such advice and the requisite anecdotes with dry humor and add really cute cartoon segments, graphs, charts, and meeples, the result is a book that will definitely make you laugh and could (or not) save someone's life. Remember, that life you save could be your child's, or it could just be an imaginary life you save in your mind to keep your hero syndrome alive. That is the beauty of James Breakwell.

[Rachel Noel · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm a big fan of Breakwell's books. I've been pre-ordering them with the confidence that they'll be laugh out loud funny and well worth the cost.That being said, this one felt "just okay". It was still funny, no question of that. I'm still glad I bought it and I know people who would enjoy it.
The book has all the classic elements that make a Breakwell book fun. You've got the clipart comics emphasizing the points he's making in the text. You've got the ridiculous graphs showing your chances of survival in ridiculous situations. The book is even dedicated to cheese! Who doesn't love that?

It really isn't until the second half of the book, when situations start getting more and more ridiculous, that things really lose their charm. Like, how to survive if you and your child are suddenly in the world of Carrie or The Shawshank Redemption or the original Donkey Kong video game. It can't be that the more unrealistic stuff is less funny; the chapter on time travel was good. I guess, maybe, it feels like the later chapters were more just filling up the page counts.

It's still an entertaining book, the latter half of it just feels lacking. I'm still glad I bought the book and will continue to by Breakwell's books. But this one is definitely not his best work. 3.5 hoots!

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don’t have any children and I still found this book hilarious. His anecdotes are so outrageous they must be true.
Some of my favorite quotes.

Wild Animals: Many animals are capable of killing prey moments after they leave the womb, while your child will be functionally useless until their early thirties.

Wild Animals: After creating the earth and everything on it, God rested. During that nap, Satan snuck in and created geese.

Supernatural Beings: Why do ghosts want you to leave? Apparently they’re extreme introverts who can’t deal with even minor disruptions to their solitude.

Supernatural Beings: Dragons are basically giant, fire-breathing raccoons.

Weddings: The reception hall is just as dangerous. Expect your kid to be drawn to the chocolate fountain like a moth to a flame. Dress your kid in floaties just in case. Nothing kills a party like a kid drowning in chocolate.

Doors: Doorknobs are the perfect height to clothesline a full-speed toddler.

Microwave: An adult I know who shall remain nameless once microwaved a bowl of instant macaroni but forgot to add water. The resulting mass of burned pasta and molten plastic slag looked like Satan took a hot dump on a plate.

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely one of the most hilarious books I’ve ever read!!! I was one of the lucky winners of a Goodreads giveaway, and I entered strictly based off the title and quick blurb alone. I am so glad I did. I brought the book to work with me (third shifter here), and am guilty of laugh out loud, raucousy moments causing me to read passages to my co-workers and have them join in. I loved the little comics and graphs sprinkled throughout the book! And, as the title promises, it definitely teaches you how to save the wee ones from an ostrich attack!! And aliens, and Donkey Kong, and should you find yourself in Willy Wonka’s Factory or The Crucible. It even uses a pie chart illustrate the benefits of not reading to our spawn versus reading to them!! I love how Breakwell tells us to simply “keep in mind all of this advice is based on carefully researched scientific data” made up off the top of his head. Hysterical!!

Highly recommend this. It made me seek out his previous book and put it on my TBR. I won this in a Goodreads giveaway, and this review is my honest opinion.

[Sam · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a weird, very funny "parenting" book. Breakwell has a specific type of humor that was perfect for my husband and I. I was constantly reading things out loud to him, because I knew he would appreciate the humor just as much as I was. The second half is pretty heavy on pop culture humor so if you've never seen certain movies or tv shows, read specific books, or know much about video games, you might not get much out of these sections. For me, personally, it was a nice, light read to throw in with heavier books.

[Nancy Holte · Rating 3 out of 5]

When I first started listening to this book I thought it was hysterical. I mean, it's not useful information but it was funny. But then the funny kind of turned to the ridiculous and it felt like the author was really reaching for the laugh. The author does seem like a nice guy, and I'm sure he'd be fun to hang out with. This is his third book so maybe he just ran out of steam. However, considering I only paid about a dollar for it on the Chirp App, the first couple of chapters alone were totally worth that.

[Lia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm a huge fan of James Breakwell, and he didn't disappoint with the quirky, sarcastic humor that I love. My only frustration was that he often referenced movies, books, or video games with which I was unfamiliar, so the jokes based on these were utterly lost on me. Chalk it up to me living in a cultural vacuum... but yeah. He's counting on you knowing the same pop culture things he does, which takes away some of the relatability on which humor relies.

The bits I read aloud to my teen daughter left her weeping with laughter, literally rolling on the floor. Yes, he's very funny!

[Amy Broome · Rating 3 out of 5]

Received as a Goodreads giveaway. I’ve never read anything from this author before. I chuckled aloud reading the first few chapters. As I kept reading though, it became a bit formulaic. Writing bit, graph bit, cartoon bit. Rinse. Repeat. I don’t know if this is standard for the writer, but I did find it easier to put the book down and find other pastimes as I reached the midpoint. Would be a good book to pick up to read in intervals, but not really cover to cover in a single sitting.

[Terra Fletcher · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you don't follow James Breakwell on Twitter (@XplodingUnicorn), stop reading this review, and go follow him. He's hilarious! I picked up this book and another of his because he's so entertaining on Twitter. The Animals section of this book is my favorite. (Who knew butterflies were so dangerous?!) I read much of the book aloud to my son and he laughed so hard! I skipped over a few sections that were less entertaining or not child appropriate.

[Lauren Bourke · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm a parent, so this book is funny because despite the far out situations he is describing, I can see my children doing it. If you're not a parent, I can't promise that you will relate to it let alone find it funny, but it might reaffirm your decision to not have children. Truth is always stranger than fiction and when children are involved it is even more so.

[Cassandra · Rating 1 out of 5]

This would’ve made a fantastic blog post. Or better yet, a great tweet. The fact that it was a book… And an audiobook at that… Made it far too long. I purposely listen to it at 2X speed just so that I could get through it faster because I didn’t want to not finish it. I did chuckle a couple times… But at the expense of a few of my brain cells. 🤦🏼‍♀️

[Sonya Loyer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I won a published paperback through a Goodreads Giveaway. It is a very funny, quick read. There are tables, graphs and comic strips. This is a laugh-out-loud funny book! Chapter 1 is how to survive anything and a graph shows that you can become literally immortal by reading all the chapters in this book. Chapter 2 covers wild animals. Here is my favorite part about geese (which are covered after butterflies): "After creating the earth and everything on it, God rested. During that nap, Satan snuck in and created geese." Other chapters include: Supernatural Beings, People, Accidental Time Travel, Sci-Fi Situations, Classical Literature and more. I wish I could find the line about Anakin Skywalker and higher ground. We riff on that all the time as a family!

If you enjoy sarcastic, absurdist humor, this book is for you! If you find yourself wondering how to survive completely normal situations, this book is for you!

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was hilarious- parenting in absurd scenarios (with opportunity to vent about the ridiculous things kids do all the while). Enjoyed this a few chapters at a time. Will definitely check out Breakwell's (Xploding Unicorn) other books.
Thanks to goodreads for hosting the giveaway for this book and Ben Bella Books for the copy.

[Sporter · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was really enjoying this book until it got to the part where the author made light of the unfair and sometimes deadly policing within the Black community. After that, I had to put it down. Idiotic “joking” that highlights his ignorance and privilege. The world does not need one more author like this!

[Rosie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Goodreads winner. "How to Save Your Child from....." Is full of ridiculous situations and not so plausible survival techniques. In order to feel the humor you must suspend all sense of reality. "Laughter is the Best Medicine".

[Susan · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's entertaining but, as you progress through the book, you find it's all basically the same. According to the author, he's written several books in this genre and while he jokes about being pigeonholed, it does seem a bit like he's bored of it.

[Adam · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was hilarious. I laughed out loud, snickered, and had to put my coffee down while listening in fear I would spit it out on my computer. I plan to buy the author's other books as well. Highly recommended!

[aCupcakeBlonde · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was by far my favorite of Breakwell's books so far. I found myself laughing out loud a lot. My 7 year-old daughter even found it hilarious. I especially enjoyed the tips for if you found yourself with your child trapped in books or sci-fi movies. Ingenious and so funny!

[Christian · Rating 3 out of 5]

It started funny but quickly became tedious as the author just started grasping at content. Save your kid from literary characters? I get that it's a humor book but it's the same thing over and over. Ultimately I don't think there was enough of an idea here for a full book.

[Csimplot Simplot · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book!!!

[Barb Crowe]

I love James Breakwell's books. I won this book from the Goodreads contest.

[Book Smeller · Rating 4 out of 5]

Funny and out of this world

[Suzi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Refreshing!

[EG · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic! Excellent! Funny!

Everything you need to know to help keep your family safe is in this book. Maybe. You decide.

[Cat Perham · Rating 5 out of 5]

No spoilers! This book is great fun; every parent should read it if you can find the time. I will seek out Breakwell's previous book.