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The Power of Parting: Finding Peace and Freedom Through Family Estrangement
A myth-shattering, inspiring book that combines research, reportage, and memoir to explore the growing phenomenon of estrangement from toxic relatives—showing it not as a tragedy, but as an empowering and effective solution to the heartbreak of family abuse.
After decades of enduring his mother’s physical and psychological torment, after years of trying in vain to set boundaries, Eamon Dolan took a radical he cut his mother out of his life. No more phone calls, no more visits, no more contact. Parting with his abuser gave him immediate relief and set him on a path toward freedom, confidence, and joy like none he had ever felt before.
In The Power of Parting, Dolan has written the book he wishes he’d had when he was struggling to free himself from his mother’s abuse. In the process, he discovered how widespread estrangement really is. At least 27 percent of Americans are estranged from a parent, sibling, or other family member. He also learned why so much stigma surrounds this common—and often lifesaving—phenomenon. Even among therapists—the professionals who would seem most attuned to the pain relatives can inflict—there’s a bias toward reconciliation, when millions of their patients need instead to escape their abusers’ grip. Estrangement, Dolan realized, should be understood and embraced, not shrouded in shame.
Drawing on his own suffering and healing, as well as experts’ advice and the testimony of other courageous survivors, Dolan first explains why abuse is much different and more prevalent than we may think, how it harms us in childhood and beyond, and why limiting or eliminating contact might be our best possible choice. Then, he walks readers through the steps of a successful, positive estrangement: how to take crucial time for yourself; how to make sure no one can gaslight you into minimizing or forgetting; how to set rules for your abuser and—if they can’t or won’t respect your limits—how to end a toxic relationship. He also offers valuable counsel on how to ease the guilt and grief that often accompany parting, and how to break the cycle of abuse that was likely passed down to you through many generations.
With a convincing blend of clarity and empathy, Dolan encourages others to do what he ultimately did for determine whether the people in your life treat you with the care and concern you deserve—and part ways with them if they don’t.
After decades of enduring his mother’s physical and psychological torment, after years of trying in vain to set boundaries, Eamon Dolan took a radical he cut his mother out of his life. No more phone calls, no more visits, no more contact. Parting with his abuser gave him immediate relief and set him on a path toward freedom, confidence, and joy like none he had ever felt before.
In The Power of Parting, Dolan has written the book he wishes he’d had when he was struggling to free himself from his mother’s abuse. In the process, he discovered how widespread estrangement really is. At least 27 percent of Americans are estranged from a parent, sibling, or other family member. He also learned why so much stigma surrounds this common—and often lifesaving—phenomenon. Even among therapists—the professionals who would seem most attuned to the pain relatives can inflict—there’s a bias toward reconciliation, when millions of their patients need instead to escape their abusers’ grip. Estrangement, Dolan realized, should be understood and embraced, not shrouded in shame.
Drawing on his own suffering and healing, as well as experts’ advice and the testimony of other courageous survivors, Dolan first explains why abuse is much different and more prevalent than we may think, how it harms us in childhood and beyond, and why limiting or eliminating contact might be our best possible choice. Then, he walks readers through the steps of a successful, positive estrangement: how to take crucial time for yourself; how to make sure no one can gaslight you into minimizing or forgetting; how to set rules for your abuser and—if they can’t or won’t respect your limits—how to end a toxic relationship. He also offers valuable counsel on how to ease the guilt and grief that often accompany parting, and how to break the cycle of abuse that was likely passed down to you through many generations.
With a convincing blend of clarity and empathy, Dolan encourages others to do what he ultimately did for determine whether the people in your life treat you with the care and concern you deserve—and part ways with them if they don’t.
304 pages, Hardcover
Published April 1, 2025
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 40 reviews
April 6, 2025
this is only sort of a book about estrangement. i would say it is primarily a book about childhood abuse and the resultant CPTSD symptoms. the author spends the whole first half of the book (48% to be exact, i listened to the audiobook version) reviewing basic research on child abuse, with many research studies to back up his statements. this has been done in many many books and in way better ways, IMO. if you want to learn about child abuse and C-PTSD, read The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel VanderKolk, who is an expert in the field, with decades of clinical and research experience. the author finally addresses estrangement significantly in chapter 4, but only very briefly and it takes him until chapter 5 to give any kind of useful advice to the reader on how to actually do it. for the rest of the book, he weaves in and out of speaking about estrangement (though again, IMO, not ever really diving deeply enough to be very helpful) and child abuse, as well as telling the stories of his own abuse at the hands of a cruel mother, and that of others. again, this has been done before, nothing new or groundbreaking here.
I would say this book is 10% about estrangement, 25% memoir & reflection on the authors own abusive childhood & 65% information on child abuse.
i'm a trauma therapist and have also been happily no contact with my family of origin for 10 years. i read this book hoping to find something that would help my clients as they navigate these complicated choices, and concluded that i would not recommend it to anyone. i've found estrangement (my own and that of my clients who are navigating it) to be a very complicated choice, & full of nuance. I think the author missed that nuance here in many ways. he doesn't say how long he was estranged from his mother before she died in 2020, but I do think if one is writing a self-help book based on lived experience, one ought to be many years out from the experience in order to have good perspective to offer others.
in many ways, the author seems to be unprocessed around his own trauma & choice to take space from his relationship with his mother. there's nothing wrong with that, i just think it makes for a not very helpful self-help book. This is also a very angry book, in my opinion. The title about finding “peace & freedom” doesn’t resonate with the energy of the book. There is a deep dive into allowing yourself to feel anger about abuse, a discussion around forgiveness & compassion that IMO again lacks nuance. I have had many new clients come to me stuck in anger over childhood abuse (many in their 50s & 60s with long-dead abusers). Of course it’s important to feel your anger if you’ve suffered maltreatment, and I believe that forgiveness/compassion can be a spiritual bypass if arrived at prior to allowing ALL the feelings to be expressed & felt & processed. But staying in anger (& blame) won’t lead anyone to peace or freedom, whether or not one chooses no contact. I noted also how deeply angry the author is about the Louise Hay book “you can heal your life.” He spouts a vitriolic review (& if you’re listening to him read the audiobook version, you can feel it in his voice) that goes on an uncomfortably long time. Hay’s book is a classic & has for 40+ years helped survivors & others out of a victim mindset loop of blame & anger. Her message is NOT “it was your fault you got abused as a child” it is “if you were abused as a child , but you’re now an independent adult & you still call your mom everyday (or see her once a week or ever) & she’s still abusing you, that’s definitely on you.” It’s a tough love idea to get yourself into taking responsibility for your own adult choices & many survivors, like this author, aren’t ready to hear that.
i also disagree with his basic idea of setting rules (i'd call these boundaries) for the abusive person as a way to hopefully get them to change their behavior so you can stay in the relationship. IMO, boundaries are for YOU, so that YOU can get clear with what kind of behavior you will tolerate. they should not be used to try to get someone to change, or to try to control someone's behavior, as this rarely happens and it can be even more painful for someone to keep trying and keep setting the boundary over and over again & opening themself to more abuse, just in new ways. freedom from abuse, IMO, is about accepting What Is, changing yourself, and then making courageous choices about who you want in your life and how that might look. trying to control others is just a set up for disappointment and despair (especially with those who have already shown themselves to be cruel or abusive).
i also didn't like the author's repeated use of the term "your abuser" to describe the person one wishes to go no contact with, IMO, other less aggressive words could have been chosen (he also very rarely uses the term "your relative" which is better but not always appropriate). most of the folks who i believe would be reading this book are probably not ready to label the person they wish to lessen contact with their abuser.
Additionally, in the attempt to validate the reader who has chosen no contact after a lifetime of terrible abuse, this book actually invalidates all the many others who were never physically, sexually or verbally abused, who do not meet criteria for C-PTSD, but whose lived experience of emotional abuse (which can be largely invisible & feels impossible to quantify in the same way as the others), repeated disrespect of reasonable boundaries, never being seen or heard, and just patterns of unkind communication over a lifetime led them to choose no contact. These folks are out there and already feel as though they must justify their choice to go no contact. Dolan doesn’t speak even once about this, and that’s probably because he’s not an expert on abuse or estrangement, just an expert on his own lived experience.
two stars for solid research, and for having the courage to share his own story (& to break away from abuse). i'd recommend the book "will i ever be good enough: healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers" (which is useful for daughters or sons, or nonbinary people, and for those with parents [not only mothers] who aren't necessarily narcissistic, but who were simply cruel, hurtful, hateful, or abusive in any way) by karyl mcbride. there is a good chapter on the choice to go low contact or no contact which IMO is far more useful than this book.
I would say this book is 10% about estrangement, 25% memoir & reflection on the authors own abusive childhood & 65% information on child abuse.
i'm a trauma therapist and have also been happily no contact with my family of origin for 10 years. i read this book hoping to find something that would help my clients as they navigate these complicated choices, and concluded that i would not recommend it to anyone. i've found estrangement (my own and that of my clients who are navigating it) to be a very complicated choice, & full of nuance. I think the author missed that nuance here in many ways. he doesn't say how long he was estranged from his mother before she died in 2020, but I do think if one is writing a self-help book based on lived experience, one ought to be many years out from the experience in order to have good perspective to offer others.
in many ways, the author seems to be unprocessed around his own trauma & choice to take space from his relationship with his mother. there's nothing wrong with that, i just think it makes for a not very helpful self-help book. This is also a very angry book, in my opinion. The title about finding “peace & freedom” doesn’t resonate with the energy of the book. There is a deep dive into allowing yourself to feel anger about abuse, a discussion around forgiveness & compassion that IMO again lacks nuance. I have had many new clients come to me stuck in anger over childhood abuse (many in their 50s & 60s with long-dead abusers). Of course it’s important to feel your anger if you’ve suffered maltreatment, and I believe that forgiveness/compassion can be a spiritual bypass if arrived at prior to allowing ALL the feelings to be expressed & felt & processed. But staying in anger (& blame) won’t lead anyone to peace or freedom, whether or not one chooses no contact. I noted also how deeply angry the author is about the Louise Hay book “you can heal your life.” He spouts a vitriolic review (& if you’re listening to him read the audiobook version, you can feel it in his voice) that goes on an uncomfortably long time. Hay’s book is a classic & has for 40+ years helped survivors & others out of a victim mindset loop of blame & anger. Her message is NOT “it was your fault you got abused as a child” it is “if you were abused as a child , but you’re now an independent adult & you still call your mom everyday (or see her once a week or ever) & she’s still abusing you, that’s definitely on you.” It’s a tough love idea to get yourself into taking responsibility for your own adult choices & many survivors, like this author, aren’t ready to hear that.
i also disagree with his basic idea of setting rules (i'd call these boundaries) for the abusive person as a way to hopefully get them to change their behavior so you can stay in the relationship. IMO, boundaries are for YOU, so that YOU can get clear with what kind of behavior you will tolerate. they should not be used to try to get someone to change, or to try to control someone's behavior, as this rarely happens and it can be even more painful for someone to keep trying and keep setting the boundary over and over again & opening themself to more abuse, just in new ways. freedom from abuse, IMO, is about accepting What Is, changing yourself, and then making courageous choices about who you want in your life and how that might look. trying to control others is just a set up for disappointment and despair (especially with those who have already shown themselves to be cruel or abusive).
i also didn't like the author's repeated use of the term "your abuser" to describe the person one wishes to go no contact with, IMO, other less aggressive words could have been chosen (he also very rarely uses the term "your relative" which is better but not always appropriate). most of the folks who i believe would be reading this book are probably not ready to label the person they wish to lessen contact with their abuser.
Additionally, in the attempt to validate the reader who has chosen no contact after a lifetime of terrible abuse, this book actually invalidates all the many others who were never physically, sexually or verbally abused, who do not meet criteria for C-PTSD, but whose lived experience of emotional abuse (which can be largely invisible & feels impossible to quantify in the same way as the others), repeated disrespect of reasonable boundaries, never being seen or heard, and just patterns of unkind communication over a lifetime led them to choose no contact. These folks are out there and already feel as though they must justify their choice to go no contact. Dolan doesn’t speak even once about this, and that’s probably because he’s not an expert on abuse or estrangement, just an expert on his own lived experience.
two stars for solid research, and for having the courage to share his own story (& to break away from abuse). i'd recommend the book "will i ever be good enough: healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers" (which is useful for daughters or sons, or nonbinary people, and for those with parents [not only mothers] who aren't necessarily narcissistic, but who were simply cruel, hurtful, hateful, or abusive in any way) by karyl mcbride. there is a good chapter on the choice to go low contact or no contact which IMO is far more useful than this book.
April 13, 2025
gonna send this to my dad to see if he finally gets the message /hj
April 3, 2025
As a trauma psychotherapist with over 18 years of clinical expert working with trauma survivors who have benefited from family estrangement, I found The Power of Parting to be a deeply validating and necessary exploration of a subject too often met with stigma. Many of my clients struggle with guilt, societal pressure, and the internalized belief that cutting ties with family is an inherently selfish act. This book challenges those narratives, offering a compassionate perspective on why, for some, estrangement is necessary for healing.
What I appreciate most is the way the author acknowledges the complexity of estrangement—it’s not a decision made lightly, nor is it always permanent. The book balances personal stories with psychological insights, making it an excellent resource for both those considering or choosing estrangement and mental health professionals.
For those working in trauma recovery, this book is a must-read.
I received a free ARC of this book and am leaving this review voluntarily.
Amanda Ann Gregory, LCPC
Trauma Psychotherapist and author of You Don’t Need to Forgive
What I appreciate most is the way the author acknowledges the complexity of estrangement—it’s not a decision made lightly, nor is it always permanent. The book balances personal stories with psychological insights, making it an excellent resource for both those considering or choosing estrangement and mental health professionals.
For those working in trauma recovery, this book is a must-read.
I received a free ARC of this book and am leaving this review voluntarily.
Amanda Ann Gregory, LCPC
Trauma Psychotherapist and author of You Don’t Need to Forgive
May 7, 2025
IYKYK … and if you don’t know yet this book will help.
April 8, 2025
Eamon Dolan grew up with an abusive, Irish Catholic mother and a mostly absent father. His dad enabled his mother's psychological and physical abuse of Dolan and his sister by not protecting them from her.
Understandably, the author is very angry about his mother's decades of cruelty, built on the rotten foundation of her own abusive upbringing. His is a harrowing story that, mercifully, ends better for him than it has for many abuse victims.
Readers who were abused by their own parents will probably find the most value in this book, whose main focus is the freedom found through deliberate estrangement from abusive parents.
My potential estrangement involves no abuse, so Dolan's abuse anecdotes were hard to read. I have a conflict magnet of a sibling with a diagnosed and deliberately untreated mental illness, but I still found relevance in this book.
Most writing on the subject of estrangement focuses on how to avoid it. I was interested in exploring potential benefits of limited contact with my brother. There is some very good material here on the general case for estrangement as self preservation, our Judeo-Christian societal fetishization of forgiveness and the importance of applying the same or higher standards to family relationships than one would to friendships.
Dolan urges us to ask ourselves what benefit we derive from a family relationship that is so strained that we are considering estrangement. He bristles at maxims like "Blood is thicker than water" and "You can't choose your family". Dolan argues that we should indeed choose our family, when the family we were born into proves to be inadequate and/or toxic.
Another book I found somewhat helpful was Fern Schumer Chapman's "The Sibling Estrangement Journal"
Understandably, the author is very angry about his mother's decades of cruelty, built on the rotten foundation of her own abusive upbringing. His is a harrowing story that, mercifully, ends better for him than it has for many abuse victims.
Readers who were abused by their own parents will probably find the most value in this book, whose main focus is the freedom found through deliberate estrangement from abusive parents.
My potential estrangement involves no abuse, so Dolan's abuse anecdotes were hard to read. I have a conflict magnet of a sibling with a diagnosed and deliberately untreated mental illness, but I still found relevance in this book.
Most writing on the subject of estrangement focuses on how to avoid it. I was interested in exploring potential benefits of limited contact with my brother. There is some very good material here on the general case for estrangement as self preservation, our Judeo-Christian societal fetishization of forgiveness and the importance of applying the same or higher standards to family relationships than one would to friendships.
Dolan urges us to ask ourselves what benefit we derive from a family relationship that is so strained that we are considering estrangement. He bristles at maxims like "Blood is thicker than water" and "You can't choose your family". Dolan argues that we should indeed choose our family, when the family we were born into proves to be inadequate and/or toxic.
Another book I found somewhat helpful was Fern Schumer Chapman's "The Sibling Estrangement Journal"
April 29, 2025
Very good, besides the last 5% of the book which suddenly gets into partisan politics, which felt very out of place.
January 22, 2025
An exhaustively researched book that is also brimming with humanity and warmth. A bible for those estranged from family, considering estrangement, or partially estranged. The book doesn't just provide information though; you will feel the author's compassion and empathy in every page. You'll come away feeling empowered, supported and nurtured, whatever decision about estrangement you decide is right for you.
May 30, 2025
Review after closing the acknowledgements page: raw unedited review:
This book was gifted to me by an author friend. She mentioned she has been looking for an estrangement based book that doesn’t pressure the victims to reunite. All too often people (coming from a place of love or malice) involve themselves and push the victim to forgive. What happens if I’m sorry isn’t enough? Why does the victim give the abuser the courtesy vs the victim.
I have been struggling with my first no contact and this book might be the most life changing book I read, for me personally. As someone diagnosed with CPTSD last year, I have a lot of anger that doesn’t belong in this time period. This book was the second thing to make me feel that “it is okay to be mad at how you were treated and NOT FEEL GUILTY! The first being “I’m glad my mother is dead”, if you haven’t read that, do it. It makes sense. Because I think about if I would miss my abuser and I think I have to steal my favorite line (of which 90% of the book was my favorite line) “ding Dong the witch is dead” is what sticks in my head. I’m sure i would miss her at some point, but not more than the relief I feel to be able to stand all the way up.
Thank you for writing this book. I plan to read it many many times over. I wish it could be 10 stars.
This book was gifted to me by an author friend. She mentioned she has been looking for an estrangement based book that doesn’t pressure the victims to reunite. All too often people (coming from a place of love or malice) involve themselves and push the victim to forgive. What happens if I’m sorry isn’t enough? Why does the victim give the abuser the courtesy vs the victim.
I have been struggling with my first no contact and this book might be the most life changing book I read, for me personally. As someone diagnosed with CPTSD last year, I have a lot of anger that doesn’t belong in this time period. This book was the second thing to make me feel that “it is okay to be mad at how you were treated and NOT FEEL GUILTY! The first being “I’m glad my mother is dead”, if you haven’t read that, do it. It makes sense. Because I think about if I would miss my abuser and I think I have to steal my favorite line (of which 90% of the book was my favorite line) “ding Dong the witch is dead” is what sticks in my head. I’m sure i would miss her at some point, but not more than the relief I feel to be able to stand all the way up.
Thank you for writing this book. I plan to read it many many times over. I wish it could be 10 stars.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 23, 2025
This book discusses events that are so intolerable that one has to leave the family unit. The author speaks widely from his own experience. He explains carefully why he had to leave and why others leave. He also discusses people who stay in their family and the boundaries that are needed to be established. The author is not anti family at all. He does say that certain dysfunctions compel people to leave and that these dysfunctions will affect people throughout their lives. He counters much of the self help wisdom such as that which holds for forgiving and forgetting. This book is filled with wisdom and considered thought. The strength of this work lies in the author’s own experience. I recommend this work to anyone who comes from a dysfunctional family or wants to understand the effects of such distinction on friends or even other family members. This book is well thought out and speaks good advice for people.
March 25, 2025
I received this book in a Goodreads giveaway.
This book is a wonderful resource for survivors of abuse. It is a major support to those who have been guided to tolerate, support, or forgive (and forget) abusive behavior, particularly from family members. This book provides practical support to emotionally and physically estrange from abusers. Blood is not thicker than water. You did not deserve abuse. You deserve love and you do not need to stay in an abusive relationship just because you’re family.
I highly recommend this book for anyone that has suffered abuse and trauma, especially at the hands of a parent.
This book is a wonderful resource for survivors of abuse. It is a major support to those who have been guided to tolerate, support, or forgive (and forget) abusive behavior, particularly from family members. This book provides practical support to emotionally and physically estrange from abusers. Blood is not thicker than water. You did not deserve abuse. You deserve love and you do not need to stay in an abusive relationship just because you’re family.
I highly recommend this book for anyone that has suffered abuse and trauma, especially at the hands of a parent.
April 18, 2025
3.5/5
I've been trying to put my finger on why this book fell flat for me. I think it's because the author did a lot of telling rather than showing, and stated facts of his mother's mistreatment rather than reflecting on how it felt to him at the time. My brain kept wanting to dismiss his story, even while I'm a survivor myself. The book's scope also felt narrow. I think most people would be better served by reading something like What My Bones Know, though there are a few good tips in this book (like setting up rules/boundaries for abusive family members and observing how they react).
I've been trying to put my finger on why this book fell flat for me. I think it's because the author did a lot of telling rather than showing, and stated facts of his mother's mistreatment rather than reflecting on how it felt to him at the time. My brain kept wanting to dismiss his story, even while I'm a survivor myself. The book's scope also felt narrow. I think most people would be better served by reading something like What My Bones Know, though there are a few good tips in this book (like setting up rules/boundaries for abusive family members and observing how they react).
August 25, 2025
This book was not only informative and helpful to me as a therapist, but also very validating and comforting as I am estranged from a family member. It was a difficult decision to separate from my family in this way, but I really related to his therapist’s question “what are you getting out of staying in contact with this person?” Whether you are estranged or even needing to learn how to manage a toxic relationship with stronger boundaries, I would recommend this book at least as one source of support!
August 30, 2025
Allowed me to not feel guilty
August 12, 2025
Such an incredible book, if you’re a survivor or child abuse, navigating or working on navigating estrangement, this is what you need. It’s validating and reassuring. Reading this book felt like I was finally being heard.
August 28, 2025
Great book, part self help part memoir. Useful.
June 6, 2025
I’m glad someone finally had the courage and conviction to write this book. Much like the author, for the longest time, I’ve wanted to read a book on this topic. So many books that deal with family estrangement focus on what you need to do to repair the relationship. There is not a book out there that offers you the blueprint and gives you permission to walk away if that is what you need to do.
In some cases, there is simply no repairing the relationship, and the author knows this from experience. He shares his own personal story of how he estranged himself from his mother. This is an important and groundbreaking book. It helps that the author shares his own personal experience, and you get to know him on a personal level. He also uses sound research, logic, and personal stories from survivors.
This book affected me on many levels. During certain chapters, I was in tears because it hit so close to home. In other chapters, I felt empowered and hopeful. What I also really loved about the book is that the author doesn’t tell you what to do. He knows this is not a one-size-fits-all situation. In some cases, you can repair the relationship and make it work. In other cases, you have no choice but to walk away. He leaves no stone unturned and breaks down every possible situation.
Overall, I’m really happy he wrote this book because too many books on the subject focus on the person who has hurt you and what you need to do to change. It allows the abuser to hold the power over you, and it lets them off the hook.
No more.
In some cases, there is simply no repairing the relationship, and the author knows this from experience. He shares his own personal story of how he estranged himself from his mother. This is an important and groundbreaking book. It helps that the author shares his own personal experience, and you get to know him on a personal level. He also uses sound research, logic, and personal stories from survivors.
This book affected me on many levels. During certain chapters, I was in tears because it hit so close to home. In other chapters, I felt empowered and hopeful. What I also really loved about the book is that the author doesn’t tell you what to do. He knows this is not a one-size-fits-all situation. In some cases, you can repair the relationship and make it work. In other cases, you have no choice but to walk away. He leaves no stone unturned and breaks down every possible situation.
Overall, I’m really happy he wrote this book because too many books on the subject focus on the person who has hurt you and what you need to do to change. It allows the abuser to hold the power over you, and it lets them off the hook.
No more.
July 8, 2025
This definitely should have been two books, so that I could skip reading one of them.
March 4, 2025
Absolutely loved this book, and the perspective! If I could give it 10 stars I would!!
May 8, 2025
The book I needed
I’ve read countless books about abusive parents and estrangement and this one rises sharply to the top. It is understanding and validating and shared some incredible knowledge and insights I’ve been looking for. I’m grateful for the author’s honesty and courage in writing it, and I can’t recommend it enough.
I’ve read countless books about abusive parents and estrangement and this one rises sharply to the top. It is understanding and validating and shared some incredible knowledge and insights I’ve been looking for. I’m grateful for the author’s honesty and courage in writing it, and I can’t recommend it enough.
April 20, 2025
The New York Times review of the book got me very curious and I was excited to see it come through my library holds. Author Dolan had an abusive mother and a mostly absent father, with whom he holds anger. Despite years of trying to set boundaries, define the relationship, etc. he made the choice to cut his mother from his life. This book partially explores this as well as how common this is.
Dolan discusses the path of how people get here: the source of abuse, the lack of resources, the impacts this has on people and how it shapes their lives as well as some guidance on what to do if you are in a similar situation, etc. There's also a lot of research on child abuse itself, and arguably this is really what the book is.
I really wanted to like this book or at least find it useful but unfortunately this was not it. I'm unsure if it started out as a memoir and it had to be padded with more research, if it was a research paper and needed biographical information, etc. It is hard to disagree with other reviews that the author seems to be trying to work though his issues via this book, which does unfortunately affect the writing.
I do think it ultimately makes the case of why there are times it is best for someone to cut their relationship off with their parents, siblings, etc. It is a sad thing most of the time, but sometimes ultimately necessary. Society, culture, etc. often tell us this is unacceptable for a variety of reasons, and while the book certainly can't speak to every experience or childhood, etc. it is fair to say that sometimes this really is the best way forward for a lot of people. How and what that looks like is certainly going to differ from person to person, though.
There was value to the book but I think there are probably other books out there that cover this topic better. If you're looking for lots of research though, or want to read more about Dolan's experiences (and that frames the book's text), etc. this might worth picking up. If you're a casual read who's just curious, you can probably skip this one.
Dolan discusses the path of how people get here: the source of abuse, the lack of resources, the impacts this has on people and how it shapes their lives as well as some guidance on what to do if you are in a similar situation, etc. There's also a lot of research on child abuse itself, and arguably this is really what the book is.
I really wanted to like this book or at least find it useful but unfortunately this was not it. I'm unsure if it started out as a memoir and it had to be padded with more research, if it was a research paper and needed biographical information, etc. It is hard to disagree with other reviews that the author seems to be trying to work though his issues via this book, which does unfortunately affect the writing.
I do think it ultimately makes the case of why there are times it is best for someone to cut their relationship off with their parents, siblings, etc. It is a sad thing most of the time, but sometimes ultimately necessary. Society, culture, etc. often tell us this is unacceptable for a variety of reasons, and while the book certainly can't speak to every experience or childhood, etc. it is fair to say that sometimes this really is the best way forward for a lot of people. How and what that looks like is certainly going to differ from person to person, though.
There was value to the book but I think there are probably other books out there that cover this topic better. If you're looking for lots of research though, or want to read more about Dolan's experiences (and that frames the book's text), etc. this might worth picking up. If you're a casual read who's just curious, you can probably skip this one.
April 3, 2025
📱Thank you to NetGalley for an ARC e-book. This book published on April 1, 2025.
This book was so illuminating. The author intersperses his personal journey of estranging from his abusive mother with other stories of people who have taken the steps of estrangement with parents and/or siblings.
A few important things I learned:
1. Estrangement isn’t all or nothing, it’s a spectrum. You can choose total estrangement or some form of partial estrangement. For example you could choose to only see your parents on holidays or only once a year. You could choose to limit emails and just stick to phone calls, tailoring a medium and frequency that works best for the relationship.
2. Estrangement isn’t necessarily forever, it could be a temporary boundary for a year or two and then the relationship could be reevaluated. The important thing is that estrangement is necessary for the abused child to heal. Sometimes that means a permanent estrangement and sometimes that means only a few months. It entirely depends on the relationship.
3. The choice of estrangement is not done impulsively. It’s a result of years of parents not respecting personal boundaries and showing an unwillingness to change.
4. Estrangement is for the purpose of the abused child to find space to heal and experience separation from their abuser.
Child abuse is not only often ignored in society but condoned as “the parent’s choice.” The author discusses how awful it is to set a societal norm that expects that the abused child “owes” their parent time, love, and loyalty. But it’s only in the context of a family unit that this expectation is set. You would never tell a friend to stay with an abusive boyfriend or abusive friend. We need to set the same relationship expectations with parents that we do with friends. The family card should never trump human decency, love, and respect.
This book is unique because there are so few books written that advocate for estrangement and therapists are reluctant to go there. I really think everyone should read this because there is so much estrangement happening lately but instead of empathy there is a lot of judgment. Read this to understand the reasons and the thought behind estrangement from family members.
This book was so illuminating. The author intersperses his personal journey of estranging from his abusive mother with other stories of people who have taken the steps of estrangement with parents and/or siblings.
A few important things I learned:
1. Estrangement isn’t all or nothing, it’s a spectrum. You can choose total estrangement or some form of partial estrangement. For example you could choose to only see your parents on holidays or only once a year. You could choose to limit emails and just stick to phone calls, tailoring a medium and frequency that works best for the relationship.
2. Estrangement isn’t necessarily forever, it could be a temporary boundary for a year or two and then the relationship could be reevaluated. The important thing is that estrangement is necessary for the abused child to heal. Sometimes that means a permanent estrangement and sometimes that means only a few months. It entirely depends on the relationship.
3. The choice of estrangement is not done impulsively. It’s a result of years of parents not respecting personal boundaries and showing an unwillingness to change.
4. Estrangement is for the purpose of the abused child to find space to heal and experience separation from their abuser.
Child abuse is not only often ignored in society but condoned as “the parent’s choice.” The author discusses how awful it is to set a societal norm that expects that the abused child “owes” their parent time, love, and loyalty. But it’s only in the context of a family unit that this expectation is set. You would never tell a friend to stay with an abusive boyfriend or abusive friend. We need to set the same relationship expectations with parents that we do with friends. The family card should never trump human decency, love, and respect.
This book is unique because there are so few books written that advocate for estrangement and therapists are reluctant to go there. I really think everyone should read this because there is so much estrangement happening lately but instead of empathy there is a lot of judgment. Read this to understand the reasons and the thought behind estrangement from family members.
January 30, 2025
A straightforward and rich-with-footnotes discussion of estrangement as a positive and frequently necessary choice for healing from child abuse. This is an extremely activating topic for me, so it's not surprising that I found myself needing to take frequent breaks and occasionally being more than reasonably irritated by small differences of opinion with the author. (Who has read many of the same books I have on the topic of healing from child abuse - and that's a good thing! - they are good books to be citing and engaging with.) If you are drawn to reading this book in the first place, it will probably be quite activating for you too (especially the very specific and graphic abuse details that are most frequent in the first few chapters), so please be as kind to yourself as you can while reading.
I found the book well-constructed throughout, and most useful and powerful in the middle sections. As someone who has already estranged myself from one parent and who maintains a lot of distance from the other, chapters 7-9 - "The Way Up" - meant a lot to me and contained useful ideas and resources I had not yet considered. The rest of the book is also really well-done, just less useful to me personally as someone who has already done a lot of this work on my own in the past decade. Still, it's good to read about other folks who have made similar decisions.
I appreciate the author's courage and sensitivity in tackling this painful, fraught issue head on and with a great deal of personal openness.
I found the book well-constructed throughout, and most useful and powerful in the middle sections. As someone who has already estranged myself from one parent and who maintains a lot of distance from the other, chapters 7-9 - "The Way Up" - meant a lot to me and contained useful ideas and resources I had not yet considered. The rest of the book is also really well-done, just less useful to me personally as someone who has already done a lot of this work on my own in the past decade. Still, it's good to read about other folks who have made similar decisions.
I appreciate the author's courage and sensitivity in tackling this painful, fraught issue head on and with a great deal of personal openness.
March 30, 2025
Thank you, thank you for this! As a survivor, as well as a clinician who works with survivors, this book is a much needed addition to the field!
Society clings to the myth that family is forever—but what happens when ‘forever’ means enduring abuse? The Power of Parting challenges this narrative into one of bravery and honoring yourself, by validating a choice many still see as taboo: walking away to save yourself. He offers tips for those looking to create healthy and safe distance, which he calls the Rules of Estrangement: such as quiet estrangement, where you may limit interactions to yearly interactions or even Facebook posts, up until a full clean break. For many of my clients who are in the process of weighing the pros and cons of cutting contact, these suggestions help to create healthy space.
Dolan has the ability to make you chuckle even while feeling your heart ping with difficult topics. His sarcasm shines through in his words in just enough way to ease the blow of the topic, which feels relatable and real.
The Power of Parting is a much-needed addition to the survivor community, helping to dispel the guilt and shame surrounding estrangement. This book blends research, real survivor stories, and his own personal experience to prove that sometimes, the bravest act of self-love is letting go.
Society clings to the myth that family is forever—but what happens when ‘forever’ means enduring abuse? The Power of Parting challenges this narrative into one of bravery and honoring yourself, by validating a choice many still see as taboo: walking away to save yourself. He offers tips for those looking to create healthy and safe distance, which he calls the Rules of Estrangement: such as quiet estrangement, where you may limit interactions to yearly interactions or even Facebook posts, up until a full clean break. For many of my clients who are in the process of weighing the pros and cons of cutting contact, these suggestions help to create healthy space.
Dolan has the ability to make you chuckle even while feeling your heart ping with difficult topics. His sarcasm shines through in his words in just enough way to ease the blow of the topic, which feels relatable and real.
The Power of Parting is a much-needed addition to the survivor community, helping to dispel the guilt and shame surrounding estrangement. This book blends research, real survivor stories, and his own personal experience to prove that sometimes, the bravest act of self-love is letting go.
September 5, 2025
I'm giving this 3 stars because there was some solid information in this book but the author's bias, socially and politically, could be distracting.
I like my facts straight up with no bias to either side of the political realm.
The last 2 chapters or so almost cancel out the good information because the author goes wide on blaming huge swaths of society for the childhood abuse epidemic including certain races, classes, economic ideas, political organizations, presidents, et al.
Obviously there are societal factors involved here but he almost turns everyone into the victim or the perpetrator.
If some of the policies he advocates came into fruition it could and would be a dangerous overstep to families in America.
When he heaps praise on a colleague who uses quotes around "their" children to describe a parent's thoughts on how they relate to their child, suggesting that all children belong to all people is when he completely lost me.
Too far removed in his trust of the state and other entities that are "good" but actually are not good at all - meaning they aren't in thy fight to "save" families, they want to control them.
For instance, calling on The Gates Foundation to fund programs to help childhood abuse from occurring sounds like letting the fox into the henhouse for anyone versed in anything TGF is behind.
I like my facts straight up with no bias to either side of the political realm.
The last 2 chapters or so almost cancel out the good information because the author goes wide on blaming huge swaths of society for the childhood abuse epidemic including certain races, classes, economic ideas, political organizations, presidents, et al.
Obviously there are societal factors involved here but he almost turns everyone into the victim or the perpetrator.
If some of the policies he advocates came into fruition it could and would be a dangerous overstep to families in America.
When he heaps praise on a colleague who uses quotes around "their" children to describe a parent's thoughts on how they relate to their child, suggesting that all children belong to all people is when he completely lost me.
Too far removed in his trust of the state and other entities that are "good" but actually are not good at all - meaning they aren't in thy fight to "save" families, they want to control them.
For instance, calling on The Gates Foundation to fund programs to help childhood abuse from occurring sounds like letting the fox into the henhouse for anyone versed in anything TGF is behind.
August 20, 2025
I really wanted to like this book, and I respect the author for sharing his story and perspective. Here are my thoughts:
Positives:
-Appreciate the author acknowledging that estrangement can have positive effects and that it is generally a last resort
Negatives:
-I expected to read more of a self-help book but this came off as largely autobiographical. I felt that the author offered more self-disclosure than was necessary or helpful.
-This also seemed to be more of a book about abuse rather than estrangement. Not what I was expecting
-The author made several claims that are just inaccurate or not supported by research, such as saying that CPTSD is the most common mental health problem (it is not) and a strange claim that maltreatment is a risk factor for endometriosis
-He frequently cites controversial pop-psychology authors and refers to them as authorities in the field, such as Nicole LePera and Gabor Mate
-Another reviewer noted that this was a very "angry" book, and I agree. I understand the author's anger at his abuse (who wouldn't be angry?) but it was less helpful for the reader.
-This could have been a much shorter book. It felt oddly surface-level and the narrative wasn't always cohesive.
Positives:
-Appreciate the author acknowledging that estrangement can have positive effects and that it is generally a last resort
Negatives:
-I expected to read more of a self-help book but this came off as largely autobiographical. I felt that the author offered more self-disclosure than was necessary or helpful.
-This also seemed to be more of a book about abuse rather than estrangement. Not what I was expecting
-The author made several claims that are just inaccurate or not supported by research, such as saying that CPTSD is the most common mental health problem (it is not) and a strange claim that maltreatment is a risk factor for endometriosis
-He frequently cites controversial pop-psychology authors and refers to them as authorities in the field, such as Nicole LePera and Gabor Mate
-Another reviewer noted that this was a very "angry" book, and I agree. I understand the author's anger at his abuse (who wouldn't be angry?) but it was less helpful for the reader.
-This could have been a much shorter book. It felt oddly surface-level and the narrative wasn't always cohesive.
August 12, 2025
The author suffered horrible abuse at the hands of his mother and was able to find the peace he needed through cutting off contact. It is heartening to hear the power and importance of setting boundaries and even estranging as an option since that path is so often frowned upon in our culture. He constantly used the word "abusers" to refer to those with whom we must part. I felt uncomfortable with this word because not everyone who follows this path has the kind of physical and emotional abuse the author experienced but it is toxicity... just uncomfortable with that word as othering and angry. I also appreciated how the author outlined the joy and freedom in estrangement but also did not gloss over the hard parts - the grief of not having a loving family, the challenge in finding chosen family, etc.
May 10, 2025
254-" Darby Saxbe, a professor at the University of Southern California who studies parenthood calls having a kid the "third window" potentially as transformative in developmental terms as our first five years and our adolescence. These periods of time during which our mind experiences the greatest neuroplasticity, or ability to change. of our entire times. The third window is a great opportunity to fundamentally alter our perception of ourselves and the world.
255 "As we've seen, one of the chief effects of childhood abuse is isolation... "Parenthood combats isolation. carpooling, bake sales play dates, soccer matches all these rites of parenthood give us the practice that many have never had before."
255 "As we've seen, one of the chief effects of childhood abuse is isolation... "Parenthood combats isolation. carpooling, bake sales play dates, soccer matches all these rites of parenthood give us the practice that many have never had before."
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 2, 2025
I enjoyed reading this book. It read like an autobiography and a conversation with a well-informed friend. I found myself a bit put off by some of the hasty overarching sociological conclusions that I felt were underdeveloped and sometimes flat out incorrect - for example the origin of the nuclear family. We have excellent work by Engels to refer to for this. The author hastily points to the Catholic Church as the origin of the family. If I stopped and reminded myself this isn’t a scholarly piece then I stopped being irritated and focused on the point of the book - which is the joy and freedom in estrangement from our original abusers.
May 17, 2025
Had this book been written earlier it would have been a helpful companion when I finally broke ties with my abusive mother. As such, much of what Eamon wrote was familiar to me - I had worked through many of the issues he discusses on my own and with the help of therapists. I hope this book finds a wide audience and encourages others who are still connected with their narcissistic abusers, often due to familial, social, or religious expectations, to break ties with them and feel the freedom that comes when there is no more abuse.
May 3, 2025
Truly fascinating. I find family estrangement to be a subject that I can't read enough about, not because I need it in my life, but because it does seem so drastic and goes against a lot of what we've been conditioned to believe about family.
This books makes very clear that there are downsides to it, but the overwhelming sense is that for the people that Dolan talks to, estrangement in some giant ways saved their lives. And that's powerful stuff.
Well worth the read, imo.
This books makes very clear that there are downsides to it, but the overwhelming sense is that for the people that Dolan talks to, estrangement in some giant ways saved their lives. And that's powerful stuff.
Well worth the read, imo.
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