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Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory: Before I Tried It and Frakked It Up
(Taken from the description provided on Amazon):
For many folks seeking to open up their lives and relationships, the road ahead is uncertain and foggy. Outside of traditional monogamy, relationship structure options and guidelines are often murky at best.
This book seeks to demystify the basics of healthy, consensual non-monogamy by sharing the lessons learned from both Minx and thousands of podcast listeners who have built successful polyamorous relationships. While each relationship may be different, some basic guidelines are helpful in constructing one's own version of polyamory, and the eight discoveries outlined in this book seek to provide just that.
For many folks seeking to open up their lives and relationships, the road ahead is uncertain and foggy. Outside of traditional monogamy, relationship structure options and guidelines are often murky at best.
This book seeks to demystify the basics of healthy, consensual non-monogamy by sharing the lessons learned from both Minx and thousands of podcast listeners who have built successful polyamorous relationships. While each relationship may be different, some basic guidelines are helpful in constructing one's own version of polyamory, and the eight discoveries outlined in this book seek to provide just that.
66 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 14, 2014
67 people are currently reading
621 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews
September 21, 2015
My best friend fell in love, got pregnant and moved to Spain within the space of a year. She was deliriously happy if a little nervous. When she announced it to me on the phone I said,
At the time my husband and I had just come out of the polyamorous closet. We'd fallen madly in love with another couple and just couldn't see any other way to continue the relationship in its current dynamic. The choice was either to move and take a chance on love, or to risk losing the relationship altogether. It meant quitting my job. Traveling from Italy to England every month was taking a huge toll on our respective budgets, familial backlash was relentlessly severe and there was no organizational support in a country where cheating was the norm, but open relationships were cursed. We needed each other if were to make the venture work.
There was a frosty silence at the end of the phone. Until eventually she replied,
Ludicrous is as ludicrous does.
We were both suffering from a heady mix of oxytocin, vasopressin, dopamine and noepinephrine. In lay terms, we were in love. It makes you take decisions you wouldn't otherwise take. Later I learned that polyamorous people call it New Relationship Energy. It makes you do stupid stuff. If only I had known beforehand... would I have done anything differently?
Giving you the prior knowledge of the stupid stuff you do when you fall in love is the focus of Cunning Minx's eBook (available via polyweekly podcast site ) 8 Things I wish I'd known about polyamory (before I frakked it up). Cunning Minx has been podcasting since 2005, which is before I had a twinkle in my eye for any plural relationships. It joins the illustrious ranks of up and coming open relationship books like More Than Two and kicks off with a quote from author Franklin Veaux (do they all know each other over there in the US of A)?
More than Two is loooooong. It's a dictionary versus Cunning Minx's primer. But the primer is all the more useful due to its length. If More Than Two is the exam length classic, 8 things is the study guide. Like her tips on NRE.
Cunning Minx says...'A good rule of thumb is not to pack anything larger than a suitcase during NRE. Do not pack up the moving truck with all your belongings and move across town, across the state or across the country to be with your new love. Do not quit your job or change jobs.'
Cunning Minx says...'During NRE, consider yourself to have the judgment of a teenager whose frontal lobe is not yet completely formed. Remember that if you really love this person, you'll still be in love with him in a year when the chemicals wear off and you can apply more critical thinking skills to the situation.'
She's right of course as she is about the rest. And yet unless you are already extremely self-aware (which let's face it most of us are not), you will not be able to separate yourself sensibly from the teenager whose frontal lobe is not yet completely formed. Those chemicals are just too potent (I know, I've been there).
The challenge lies then, not with this book (which is quite frankly the best intro to poly problems I've found), but with human nature and the way we create our knowledge; Clue...it's not just from other people's experiences.
Only with challenge do we grow as human beings to achieve the kind of emotional intelligence that many polyamory pundits say is necessary before embarking on a [polyamorous] relationship. Whereas we can enforce driving tests before anyone drives a car, you cannot prevent people from creating relationships and falling in love in the same way. And once they do, if they do not have 'a higher level of self-knowledge' or 'the ability to ask for what [they] want' or 'the ability to embrace change'...there is little chance of stopping the car crash.
Does that mean that less 'grown' people deserve love any less? Of course not. No one has the right to prevent people from loving one another, more than you would judge anyone unqualified to have food. Does it mean that they might experience more hurt in their quest for love? Of course.
It's why books like 8 things are absolutely necessary as educational tools if viewed as part and parcel of the growth journey.
Luckily Cunning Minx is, well, cunning. She uses also 8 Things as part of an educational programme (you can catch it if you're in Seattle).
The advice given in this book is extremely sound and as it's a short eBook I'm not going to give much more away. But in a small space it covers a vast amount of ground, from how to own your shit, to how poly is intensely personal (more than you think)...plus a fantastic bonus template at the end which will help you define your own needs, preferences and desires. For 5 quid it's a pretty valuable addition to your Kindle.
The question remains though... if I had known these 8 things, would I have done anything differently? No. But maybe I would have realised sooner what the hell was happening and it may have just helped save our first relationship. Buy it if you need a short sharp shock just as soon as you realise you - like all of us - have not been trained in relationship skills.
But just remember... in the words of Cunning Minx's partner Lusty Guy, “The goal of any relationship is to make the people involved better versions of themselves." The way this happens is a personal and ongoing journey.
Forgive yourself for your mistakes and learn about the things not to do. Not because you have to, not because you have to be 'grown' to deserve love, just because you and everyone around you will be happier.
'Wow that's brave of you. But how exciting.' Then I took a deep breath and said
'We're also doing the same thing. Moving I mean. To England to be closer to our poly partners.'
At the time my husband and I had just come out of the polyamorous closet. We'd fallen madly in love with another couple and just couldn't see any other way to continue the relationship in its current dynamic. The choice was either to move and take a chance on love, or to risk losing the relationship altogether. It meant quitting my job. Traveling from Italy to England every month was taking a huge toll on our respective budgets, familial backlash was relentlessly severe and there was no organizational support in a country where cheating was the norm, but open relationships were cursed. We needed each other if were to make the venture work.
There was a frosty silence at the end of the phone. Until eventually she replied,
'What on earth are you thinking? It's not at all the same. What you're doing is totally ludicrous.'
Ludicrous is as ludicrous does.
We were both suffering from a heady mix of oxytocin, vasopressin, dopamine and noepinephrine. In lay terms, we were in love. It makes you take decisions you wouldn't otherwise take. Later I learned that polyamorous people call it New Relationship Energy. It makes you do stupid stuff. If only I had known beforehand... would I have done anything differently?
Giving you the prior knowledge of the stupid stuff you do when you fall in love is the focus of Cunning Minx's eBook (available via polyweekly podcast site ) 8 Things I wish I'd known about polyamory (before I frakked it up). Cunning Minx has been podcasting since 2005, which is before I had a twinkle in my eye for any plural relationships. It joins the illustrious ranks of up and coming open relationship books like More Than Two and kicks off with a quote from author Franklin Veaux (do they all know each other over there in the US of A)?
More than Two is loooooong. It's a dictionary versus Cunning Minx's primer. But the primer is all the more useful due to its length. If More Than Two is the exam length classic, 8 things is the study guide. Like her tips on NRE.
Cunning Minx says...'A good rule of thumb is not to pack anything larger than a suitcase during NRE. Do not pack up the moving truck with all your belongings and move across town, across the state or across the country to be with your new love. Do not quit your job or change jobs.'
Cunning Minx says...'During NRE, consider yourself to have the judgment of a teenager whose frontal lobe is not yet completely formed. Remember that if you really love this person, you'll still be in love with him in a year when the chemicals wear off and you can apply more critical thinking skills to the situation.'
She's right of course as she is about the rest. And yet unless you are already extremely self-aware (which let's face it most of us are not), you will not be able to separate yourself sensibly from the teenager whose frontal lobe is not yet completely formed. Those chemicals are just too potent (I know, I've been there).
The challenge lies then, not with this book (which is quite frankly the best intro to poly problems I've found), but with human nature and the way we create our knowledge; Clue...it's not just from other people's experiences.
Life's challenges bring change, and those challenges that we overcome do change us for the better. Challenges show us who we are and what we are made of - 8 Things I wish I'd known about polyamory
Only with challenge do we grow as human beings to achieve the kind of emotional intelligence that many polyamory pundits say is necessary before embarking on a [polyamorous] relationship. Whereas we can enforce driving tests before anyone drives a car, you cannot prevent people from creating relationships and falling in love in the same way. And once they do, if they do not have 'a higher level of self-knowledge' or 'the ability to ask for what [they] want' or 'the ability to embrace change'...there is little chance of stopping the car crash.
Does that mean that less 'grown' people deserve love any less? Of course not. No one has the right to prevent people from loving one another, more than you would judge anyone unqualified to have food. Does it mean that they might experience more hurt in their quest for love? Of course.
It's why books like 8 things are absolutely necessary as educational tools if viewed as part and parcel of the growth journey.
As Yoda might say, "Feel or do not feel. There is no 'should.'" Just accept every weird or inopportune emotion you have as part of the wonderfully complex machine that is you. - 8 Things I wish I'd known about polyamory
Luckily Cunning Minx is, well, cunning. She uses also 8 Things as part of an educational programme (you can catch it if you're in Seattle).
The advice given in this book is extremely sound and as it's a short eBook I'm not going to give much more away. But in a small space it covers a vast amount of ground, from how to own your shit, to how poly is intensely personal (more than you think)...plus a fantastic bonus template at the end which will help you define your own needs, preferences and desires. For 5 quid it's a pretty valuable addition to your Kindle.
The question remains though... if I had known these 8 things, would I have done anything differently? No. But maybe I would have realised sooner what the hell was happening and it may have just helped save our first relationship. Buy it if you need a short sharp shock just as soon as you realise you - like all of us - have not been trained in relationship skills.
But just remember... in the words of Cunning Minx's partner Lusty Guy, “The goal of any relationship is to make the people involved better versions of themselves." The way this happens is a personal and ongoing journey.
Forgive yourself for your mistakes and learn about the things not to do. Not because you have to, not because you have to be 'grown' to deserve love, just because you and everyone around you will be happier.
November 27, 2014
This 66-page Kindle-only book does not cover every possible kink and permutation of polyamory, but it DOES cover most of the important ones. It makes for an excellent starting point for those either poly-curious, or entering into a polyamorous relationship for the first time.
The Eight Things/Tips include such things as the "right" way to do polyamory; Owning Your Own Sh*t; Guidelines, Rules, & Check-Ins, about NRE (New Relationship Energy), why Change is Good, and much more. Most of the tips apply to ANY kind of relationship:
"Whether you identify as polyamorous or monogamous, a top or a bottom, a dominant or a submissive, relationships don't work unless you know, understand and love yourself first. If you aren't already capable of knowing who you are, what your emotional baggage is and how to love and accept yourself, it's unlikely that your relationships of any kind will be healthy, happy and free of drama."
This is something that seems basic and self-evident, but sometimes the things that are the most "goes without saying" are the things that need to be repeated. The list of related books, site, and boilerplate guide to writing your own "user manual" are all excellent. So there's much goodness packed into a surprising short number of pages.
The Eight Things/Tips include such things as the "right" way to do polyamory; Owning Your Own Sh*t; Guidelines, Rules, & Check-Ins, about NRE (New Relationship Energy), why Change is Good, and much more. Most of the tips apply to ANY kind of relationship:
"Whether you identify as polyamorous or monogamous, a top or a bottom, a dominant or a submissive, relationships don't work unless you know, understand and love yourself first. If you aren't already capable of knowing who you are, what your emotional baggage is and how to love and accept yourself, it's unlikely that your relationships of any kind will be healthy, happy and free of drama."
This is something that seems basic and self-evident, but sometimes the things that are the most "goes without saying" are the things that need to be repeated. The list of related books, site, and boilerplate guide to writing your own "user manual" are all excellent. So there's much goodness packed into a surprising short number of pages.
October 21, 2014
This is going into my must read list for anyone new to polyamory. While it doesn't go a great deal into depth with anything, it does a really good job of covering the key points anyone getting into polyamory should think about. It's short and reads like some blog articles stitched together, but in a way I think that gives it an accessibility that the larger, more academic polyamory handbooks can lack. As someone who has been doing polyamory for 20 years and have had to fill the poly guru role often, there wasn't much here that I didn't already know, but I was really pleased with how succinctly it covered a lot of important things in a short amount of time. This is an excellent poly-curious person's first poly book and honestly a good, concise refresher for veterans. Everyone in between can probably get something valuable out of it.
August 24, 2023
This has a lot of fantastic information. Very concise and has many resources cited for specific areas of interest. Many of which are already on my list but they're also laid out in an order of import and why.
Beginning section has who this book is for and is the perfect spot to find out if it is or not. It is very true. It's short enough either way, but I do feel like it'd still be a waste if you're not in the "for" category.
I appreciated this so much and will definitely be going through it more thoroughly and fill out some of the scenarios. But especially the end where it has a guideline to make your own "user manual."
Beginning section has who this book is for and is the perfect spot to find out if it is or not. It is very true. It's short enough either way, but I do feel like it'd still be a waste if you're not in the "for" category.
I appreciated this so much and will definitely be going through it more thoroughly and fill out some of the scenarios. But especially the end where it has a guideline to make your own "user manual."
October 8, 2021
Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory is a good starting point for those interested in the lesser explored world of non-monogamy. Minx touches on a few of the most important challenges that come with these non-traditional relationship structures and tries to provide options and actions for happiness and success.
While Minx does not go into any depth with any one topic, these topics are great primers for thought and discussion. I feel that this level of detail is most appropriate for new relationships or for refreshing the experienced with things they have likely forgotten about. The poly-curious may also benefit by getting an idea of what they face, and find out that they are not facing it alone.
The messages and themes here are actually perfectly appropriate for traditional, monogamous relationships. For example, her advice to, Be brave and bring stuff up is not unique to the non-monogamous.
And another great line that applies to everybody:
Lacking the courage to initiate difficult conversations is a key motivator for emotional distance and eventually, indifference. Fear points to where you should look, not in the direction you should run.
This read should take no more than a couple of well spent hours. If you find you can't get enough, Minx provides a short, but appropriate list of other books to check out at the end for anyone wanting to go into more depth.
While Minx does not go into any depth with any one topic, these topics are great primers for thought and discussion. I feel that this level of detail is most appropriate for new relationships or for refreshing the experienced with things they have likely forgotten about. The poly-curious may also benefit by getting an idea of what they face, and find out that they are not facing it alone.
The messages and themes here are actually perfectly appropriate for traditional, monogamous relationships. For example, her advice to, Be brave and bring stuff up is not unique to the non-monogamous.
And another great line that applies to everybody:
Lacking the courage to initiate difficult conversations is a key motivator for emotional distance and eventually, indifference. Fear points to where you should look, not in the direction you should run.
This read should take no more than a couple of well spent hours. If you find you can't get enough, Minx provides a short, but appropriate list of other books to check out at the end for anyone wanting to go into more depth.
July 21, 2015
Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory: Before I Tried It and Frakked It Up
As someone relatively new to polyamory as a concept and way of life, this book was exactly what I needed to start sorting through all the information in my head I had collected from morethantwo blog posts and other online resources. It is concise and helpful.
Particularly, as previously mentioned, it is a good resource for all relationship types whether monogamous or non-monogamous.
Including great quotes like:
The healthiest relationships are those in which all participants feel free to ask for what they want, hear what others want and conscientiously and compassionately negotiate to fill those wants
Although seemingly common sense, I find that many (including myself at times) need to be reminded of such things. Plus, any book that emphasizes the importance of emotional intelligence and owning "your own shit" is one that I have a great affection for.
I also really enjoyed the section about creating your own user manual and I believe this is an amazing idea to ensure both you and any potential partner or partners know what it is you need and want.
If you do get the hard copy, there are hyperlinked words/phrases that do not have corresponding links in the text, so although you would be able to click on it in the ebook, you are left curious what resource you are missing out on, but there is a link to find all of them in the back.
As someone relatively new to polyamory as a concept and way of life, this book was exactly what I needed to start sorting through all the information in my head I had collected from morethantwo blog posts and other online resources. It is concise and helpful.
Particularly, as previously mentioned, it is a good resource for all relationship types whether monogamous or non-monogamous.
Including great quotes like:
The healthiest relationships are those in which all participants feel free to ask for what they want, hear what others want and conscientiously and compassionately negotiate to fill those wants
Although seemingly common sense, I find that many (including myself at times) need to be reminded of such things. Plus, any book that emphasizes the importance of emotional intelligence and owning "your own shit" is one that I have a great affection for.
I also really enjoyed the section about creating your own user manual and I believe this is an amazing idea to ensure both you and any potential partner or partners know what it is you need and want.
If you do get the hard copy, there are hyperlinked words/phrases that do not have corresponding links in the text, so although you would be able to click on it in the ebook, you are left curious what resource you are missing out on, but there is a link to find all of them in the back.
January 16, 2017
This is a short but really useful overview of polyamory and common stumbling blocks for those new to it. It's written in a straightforward and easy-to-read style, and a big part of it, aside from getting across some basics, is to direct the reader to other sources for particular follow up questions they may have, which is nice. My biggest quibble is the price - $8.99 for 94 pages is quite steep. So probably the people who will get the most out of it are those who are looking to use this as a tool in their own personal growth and explorations. There's even an exercise - "Write Your Own User Manual" - at the end.
October 6, 2015
The book is like a well performed podcast, which makes sense since Minx's podcast is really well done. It's well written, informal, and pretty high level. Would've like to see more detail on issues. It's very short for a deep subject.
April 20, 2016
Interesting information and I would say a good resource for folks looking at trying Poly.
Minx is shares her experience and expertise as well as giving people some real life examples.
Good solid information. Give it a read if you are starting this journey.
Minx is shares her experience and expertise as well as giving people some real life examples.
Good solid information. Give it a read if you are starting this journey.
July 5, 2019
I really recommend this book for poly beginners. It's short and to the point, and it had some good points, some of which I forgotten and I might re add to my life.
July 28, 2023
An excellent introduction to polyamory
July 22, 2015
This was a great book for learning about poly. I do wish it'd had a bit more for the unicorn (it seemed largely couple-oriented), but it was still very thought provoking and a great resource.
May 24, 2016
As someone who often feels alone with no guidance in my love life, this short, to the point book did provide some guidelines to remember.
July 13, 2019
Writing this review as someone, who is staying in a healthy relationship for 14 years now (almost half of my life, since I'm 30) and as someone who is always reading books before trying anything new I found this one very helpful!
It does not only adress poly topics, but contains several very helpful tips for any healthy relationship. I can, for example, absolutely confirm, that the tips about communication in this book are gold and my own relationship is build upon exactly that kind of good communication (and of course on much more, but good communication is essential for any relationship!)!
It also answered some questions, since I obviously read that book for a reason and I think this will help a lot. And it contains some book recommendations I will absolutely check out.
It does not only adress poly topics, but contains several very helpful tips for any healthy relationship. I can, for example, absolutely confirm, that the tips about communication in this book are gold and my own relationship is build upon exactly that kind of good communication (and of course on much more, but good communication is essential for any relationship!)!
It also answered some questions, since I obviously read that book for a reason and I think this will help a lot. And it contains some book recommendations I will absolutely check out.
November 25, 2020
i would hella recommend this guide to anyone just beginning in their polyam journey. theres no fluff and theres no pile of semi-relateable stories of strangers. i enjoyed the directness of the author and what topics were highlighted into chapters. i really enjoyed the emphasis put behind the concept of "own your shit"- in regards to your feels, wants, needs, hangups and such. also, i was impressed with the list of suggested reading recommends!
May 17, 2020
Five Stars!!
This book was great! An easy read (can be read in one setting). The topics were all essential for anyone interested a poly lifestyle. My favorite discovery was number seven! This book is a great foundation to start from. I’m definitely asking my partners to read the book as well.
This book was great! An easy read (can be read in one setting). The topics were all essential for anyone interested a poly lifestyle. My favorite discovery was number seven! This book is a great foundation to start from. I’m definitely asking my partners to read the book as well.
September 7, 2020
It is a very basic and solid introduction of the fundamentals. Gives suggestions for deeper reading, which is good for someone new to concepts and seeking direction of what to read next. Got it mostly to see if it would be helpful for clients and/or friends. Some the formatting is funky, as it is essentially printing a blog or website document.
April 16, 2021
Really great primer on polyamory - mostly focuses on the situation of a couple opening up their relationship but there's still really good advice and info for the solo person exploring polyamory. There's a lot of very practical and practicable communication, listening, and self-advocacy advice. The author also includes a ton of suggestions for other resources to learn more about polyamory.
April 26, 2018
This is an excellent short primer for those new to Poly. It doesn't get deep, but that's what's good about it. It really scratches the surface well and points the reader in the right direction for things to think about.
November 6, 2017
A quick and straightforward read, with good practical advice.
February 9, 2019
A good stepping stone book and brief overview on relationshipping successfully.
May 4, 2020
A good overview for those new to and now exploring Polyamory.
April 30, 2022
Great book to start with Polyamory. Full of resources
October 5, 2022
Perfect Poly Intro
Quick and easy introduction to Poly and the challenges and joys you will face on your journey. Everyone should read this book
Quick and easy introduction to Poly and the challenges and joys you will face on your journey. Everyone should read this book
September 10, 2024
Quick, easy read. Good advice, good thought provoking info.
June 13, 2015
I really like this short book. It's applicable to any type of relationship and covers 8 categories of (mostly communication) pitfalls. It is very practical. Some of her examples and observations of conflict a little silly as you can immediately sympathize with one partner and it's hard to reframe your reactions. I'm sure it would be super helpful to do so! I listen to her polyamory podcast, and she talks often about creating a short 'user manual' for yourself to enable self knowledge and also for communicating with partners; I'd looked for it online and was happy to finally see it here. I think it's a very worthwhile read.
September 14, 2022
(Taken from the description provided on Amazon):
For many folks seeking to open up their lives and relationships, the road ahead is uncertain and foggy. Outside of traditional monogamy, relationship structure options and guidelines are often murky at best.
This book seeks to demystify the basics of healthy, consensual non-monogamy by sharing the lessons learned from both Minx and thousands of podcast listeners who have built successful polyamorous relationships. While each relationship may be different, some basic guidelines are helpful in constructing one's own version of polyamory, and the eight discoveries outlined in this book seek to provide just that.
September 22, 2021
Start here. Eight Things is so fast and easy you won't even notice. This is the primer I wish I had been given 20 years ago when I considered something life this intead of bumbling around for so many years.
We've handed out more copies of this book to friends of any relationship type needing communication tools and insghts, including monogamous!
We've handed out more copies of this book to friends of any relationship type needing communication tools and insghts, including monogamous!
August 30, 2015
keep an open mind and communicate. interesting stuff
Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews