You're Doing It Wrong: My Life As A Failed International Rock Star

by Michael M

From 2005 to 2015, Michael M was the singer, bass player and songwriter of an indie rock band from Glasgow, Scotland called We Are The Physics. Don't worry if you've never heard of them, he wouldn't have either if he hadn't been in them.

For fourteen brief minutes of fame, they were hurtled into the mainstream limelight, had a top thirty hit in the UK, toured the world with a Hollywood actor, and found themselves on nationwide radio accidentally changing the lyrics to Katy Perry's 'Firework' so that it was just about a plastic bag. Then, without ceremony, they disappeared completely.

This memoir isn't a chronological catalogue of their existence but a series of vignettes and the anecdotal tales of failure, chronic mundanity, and ridiculous dismay that accompany low level touring bands. This is a celebration of the mediocre, the jobbing bands who never got on Top of the Pops, the almost almost famous. No sex, no drugs, no rock 'n' roll - just budget hotels, shame, and hilarious disappointment.

391 pages, Kindle Edition

Published December 31, 2024

Reviews

[Alex Sarll]

"Was I looking for a career in music? Surely, then, the best path to achieving that was not to opt for music that was routinely described as sounding like 'a dying photocopier that's sentient enough to know it's dying.'" The underwhelming but frequently hilarious misadventures of life in noughties indie might-have-beens We Are The Physics*, which you'd think might need you to be one of their small band of fans to fully appreciate, but TBH I'm more into successor project Slime City (who, continuing the theme of Michael's** inability ever to make a commercially sound decision, get nary a plug in these pages), and I found it hysterical to an embarrassing, unable-to-breathe-through-laughter-while-in-public-places degree. Might the saga of Technological Emmerdale be even funnier if you've heard Technological Emmerdale? Perhaps, but I'm not sure I'd have survived if so. And similarly brilliant setpieces like the big Lucozade bottle and the rubbish ghost need no context beyond a vague awareness of British rubbishness. The less amusing side of which does also get a look-in: crippling self-awareness, a rough upbringing, the lopsided economics of the music industry even before streaming supercharged the robber barons. And it all culminates in an epiphany which I suspect the author feels even more awkward about than the readers. None of which comes across as forced or mawkish, but it's the uproarious, ridiculous bits that have had me inflicting quotes and recommendations on people while I romped through this.

*It is, as the author with hindsight admits, a terrible name. But where he errs is in saying its previous form – We Are The Physics Club And Therefore Everything We Say Is Fact – was even worse, when that's clearly brilliant. Here's a fact: with the sole exception of Arabicus Pulp, no band has ever formally truncated their name without making it less good.
**I call him 'Michael'; three-quarters of the band were Michaels. But it's that or call him 'M', and he is very much not a spy chief. Though the only spy chief I've ever met was also the only person I've ever seen use 'Shut the front door!' unironically, so maybe the two have more in common than you'd think.

[Scott · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent read! Funny, endearingly honest and surprisingly emotional at points. A must for any Scottish millennials who can remember the Barfly in Glasgow, and probably worth it for those who can’t.

[Kenny · Rating 5 out of 5]

I actually wasn’t a huge fan of WATP at the time but I saw them here and there. My vibe was (is) DIY and they of course were major label (failed) international rock stars. Turns out that even in that context there’s still a bit of DIY on the go. This is funny and wholesome and emotional at times, and a great insight into life on the road for the almost-popular.

[Charlotte K · Rating 5 out of 5]

Do what makes your broken heart happy, and your broken brain spark. Do the daft things, and the self indulgent things. Do the things that make the lights behind your eyes come on again whenever they go out.

Hilarious and quietly devastating - and a little bit life affirming too. Not just a great collection of stories that at times made me cry laughing, it's an unflinchingly honest insight into the music industry and the way creative people pour themselves into their interests, not simply out of interest, but as part of a racing need. Sometimes, throwing ourselves into those interests are the only ways to simply exist, even with all of the burnout and creative fatigue, it's the petrol that keeps the car on the road.

If you're not familiar with We Are The Physics or Michael M (may I recommend the absolute banger of the century ,Iggy Pop Doesn't Wear a Top), this is still an absolutely delightful read, especially for anyone who loved music in the 2000's, but also for anyone who enjoys laughing at the sheer comical madness that is the human experience.

[Francis Pellow · Rating 4 out of 5]

We Are The Physics were a band that i saw one time in a basement bar at a Brighton festival but lived long in my memory for their energetic live performance. They became a touchstone for me and my gig loving friends for the joy of live performance and we still reference them now.
It was a lot of fun to read this book (after one of those music friends pointed me towards it) and find out about what was happening the other side of the stage. Lots of fond memories brought back when bands or venues were mentioned. Thanks Michael M for the book and the band.

[Hannah Watts · Rating 5 out of 5]

Made me laugh and made me cry. Incredibly relatable. Everyone who makes music should read it.

[SL Hastwell · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredible read filled with humour and sadness. A must for anyone that has been in a DIY band and has contemplated life whilst eating a flapjack at 2am in a service station on the way back from a gig when you know you have work in the morning.

[Emma K · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was brilliant. It made me laugh hysterically many times but also brought tears to my eyes.

I was born in Glasgow and lived through peak-MySpace, Barfly gigs, ABC club nights, NME gig listings and all the rest of it. I had the time of my life - even though I also once fell down the stairs in the Cathouse.

Michael captures this time really well and I loved the nostalgia. He’s a very talented writer. Strong recommend.

[Christopher Gilmour · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm reasonably sure that the sequences of three-digit numbers that occur a few times in the text mean something. There's a chance this will eat at me and I'll put together a spreadsheet and try to figure it out.

It's a really good book, one of the better rock auto-biographies. A few of the anecdotes resonated with me and made me wish I had done things differently twenty years ago when I was similarly musically challenged in Glasgow.

In some ways it's inspirational, not just for the young folk who might pick up musical instruments, form a band and to try not fail, but also older people, past it like me, who just have weird creative demons they need to exorcist, indefinitely.

[Gary · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've now got this on my bookshelf next to another Cumbernauld survivor. Craig Ferguson, late night chat show host, born in Springburn in the same street where the author's parents started married life moved to Cumbernauld and was so scarred by the experience he left for America. His biography "American on Purpose" (the improbable adventures of an unlikely patriot) matches this book in having a long title and talking about Cumbernauld, drugs, alcohol and having a good laugh. Read them both and marvel how Cumbernauld influenced the world. (And read Bobby Gillespie's book Tenement Boy as well. It's got a short title and he remembers people's surnames 🤣)

[Cee Jackson · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a terrific read! Just as I’d have thought a book by Michael M would be – full of self deprecating humour and sarcasm. But also with a touch of personal introspection.

‘You’re Doing It Wrong‘ is a brilliant insight to the life of a gigging band. In my younger years, I always imagined this to be a glamorous, easy lifestyle. It was only when my own two sons followed that path, and I spent about seven or eight years writing for a national music magazine (Artrocker) that I realised just how tough and frankly, boring it can be.

My time writing for the magazine coincided with Michael’s band (We Are The Physics) at the height of their fame. In fact I must have seen them play about ten times or more, and ran interview pieces with them several times. (I cringe at some of the inane questions I asked in the early ones! 😀 )

Anyway – the book kinda makes out the band sort of ‘fluked it’ in the business. Far from it – they were well deserving of more attention than they received. You could tell their musical influences, but they had a unique sound. And personalities. Their shows were fast, loud and fun; they toured across the UK and across Europe and into Asia, but for whatever reasons that ‘big break’ didn’t come.

What would they have made of it, had it presented itself? Were they cut out for this lifestyle?

Maybe the answer lies in page 369. All I’m saying is I think Michael, in that one page, sums up why anyone should form a band. There’s no fear of words in his honesty and the sentiment of this page applies to all our lives in general.

It was only towards the end of the book I could appreciate why Michael M and We Are The Physics considered they were perhaps ‘doing it wrong.

But for me, and a great many other fans of the band, they most certainly did it right.

[Richard Cobb · Rating 5 out of 5]

Could tell very early on, page two to be specific, with the mention of the band Test Icicles that I was going to enjoy this book.

Honestly one of the best books I can remember reading. Sad at the self-deprecating bits but as a fellow self-deprecator it’s often an autopilot reaction when we can’t really look ourselves in the eye or give ourselves credit for anything.

Laughed out loud at bits like Carsick Steve and toilet escapes, wiped away truth tears at bits about packing up the army men on the tree for the last time and having frustrating conversations in mundane office jobs.

I loved We Are The Physics back in the day (still do) and I enjoyed a ton of their shows from T in the Park to the HMV Picture House and Bongo Club, but I guess I hadn’t really picked up on the physical and emotional toll it would all take.

Studying the music business in more depth and dipping my toe in playing in bands later on in life a lot of Michael’s experiences align with my own, albeit to me and my mates WATP were many levels above us.

It’s so easy to beat ourselves up and belittle our worth or achievements, but through a difference lens, what Michael and the band achieved was hugely successful and made a lot more of an impact than perhaps they realised or allowed themselves to realise at the time.

Brutally honest, I knew I’d enjoy this but I hadn’t expected it to be nearly as impactful as it was. It deserves to be read by a large audience just as We Are The Physics deserved to be heard by a large audience.

Will remember this one for a long time and revisit it from time to time when I’m feeling a bit wobbly about gigging in empty cellars and questioning what on earth I’m doing.

Thanks for writing this book.

[Cath · Rating 5 out of 5]

Using the word "brave" always feels a bit twee and patronising but it's honestly the word that springs to mind whenever someone commits a personal account to paper and sends it out into the world.

This is part autobiographical, part commentary on the highs and lows of being in a smaller band and part just a general love-letter to the overall Millennial experience of the 90s-00s. As someone in the earlier half of that cohort...there was a lot I related to despite having grown up in northern England and only coming to Glasgow as a mid 20something. The setting of my childhood and youth may have been different, but the all-consuming pop culture of the time and also school-inflicted social anxiety was very relatable.

It's also very funny in its honesty. I did actually see We Are the Physics a handful of times and enjoyed those gigs, I loved their music - but nobody in the "biz" seemed to know where to place them. Sometimes it felt like they arrived on the scene a little too late, or too early. I can't decide!

I wasn't in a band but I had plenty of musician friends and went to numerous gigs in venues of varying sizes. There's a lot I already knew or suspected about how crap it is getting noticed or making any kind of money as a smaller band, but the sad thing is that it feels like it's so much worse now. It might not pay the bills but perhaps focusing on something simply because you enjoy doing it is better than chasing targets (almost like KPIs at work!) that are ever increasingly out of reach and then the label might go bust anyway.

[Clicky Steve · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was written by a friend, and chronicles the years that he spent in a band that had a taste of commercial success but which never quite broke through into the wider commercial consciousness.

The tales included in here are hilarious to the point of almost being unbelievable, though having been around during the period in question, I can attest to the fact that they are much more rooted in reality than they may seem.

This is much more than just a comedic jaunt though, balancing the humour with poignant observations about the reality of the music industry and deeply personal stories which illustrate his own journey. The whole thing is very cleverly put together and well written. I very much enjoyed it.