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Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations
We all want to get to yes, but what happens when the other person keeps saying no?
How can you negotiate successfully with a stubborn boss, an irate customer, or a deceitful coworker?
In Getting Past No, William Ury of Harvard Law School’s Program on Negotiation offers a proven breakthrough strategy for turning adversaries into negotiating partners. You’ll learn how to:
• Stay in control under pressure
• Defuse anger and hostility
• Find out what the other side really wants
• Counter dirty tricks
• Use power to bring the other side back to the table
• Reach agreements that satisfies both sides' needs
Getting Past No is the state-of-the-art book on negotiation for the twenty-first century. It will help you deal with tough times, tough people, and tough negotiations. You don’t have to get mad or get even. Instead, you can get what you want!
How can you negotiate successfully with a stubborn boss, an irate customer, or a deceitful coworker?
In Getting Past No, William Ury of Harvard Law School’s Program on Negotiation offers a proven breakthrough strategy for turning adversaries into negotiating partners. You’ll learn how to:
• Stay in control under pressure
• Defuse anger and hostility
• Find out what the other side really wants
• Counter dirty tricks
• Use power to bring the other side back to the table
• Reach agreements that satisfies both sides' needs
Getting Past No is the state-of-the-art book on negotiation for the twenty-first century. It will help you deal with tough times, tough people, and tough negotiations. You don’t have to get mad or get even. Instead, you can get what you want!
208 pages, Paperback
First published August 1, 1991
737 people are currently reading
14356 people want to read
About the author
William Ury
58 books290 followersWilliam Ury is an American author, academic, anthropologist, and negotiation expert. He co-founded the Harvard Program on Negotiation. Additionally, he helped found the International Negotiation Network with former President Jimmy Carter. Ury is the co-author of Getting to Yes with Roger Fisher, which set out the method of principled negotiation and established the idea of the best alternative to a negotiated agreement (BATNA) within negotiation theory.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 274 reviews
October 22, 2023
Highly readable and practical guide on how to negotiate, squarely putting the ball with yourself and what you can do to change the process and hopefully the negotiation outcome
Only they can break through their own resistance; your job is to help them.
An easy read, if still hard to execute in the heat of the moment. More reflections to follow, but a remarkably smooth read!
Only they can break through their own resistance; your job is to help them.
An easy read, if still hard to execute in the heat of the moment. More reflections to follow, but a remarkably smooth read!
July 11, 2009
Solid foundation for negotiating.
Don't get emotional, don't get caught up in their defensiveness, work with them, make the pie bigger, bridge the gap between the two parties interests, let them save face and be proud of the solution
Quotes:
"Effective negotiators do not just divvy up a fixed pie. They first explore how to expand the pie."
"A contest of wills thus quickly becomes a conflict of egos."
"BATNA is the key to negotiating power. Your power depends less on whether you are bigger, stronger, more senior, or richer than the other person than on how good your BATNA is. If you have a viable alternative, they you have leverage in the negotiation. The better your BATNA, the more power you have."
"The secret of disarming is surprise. To disarm the other side, you need to do the opposite of what they expect. If they are stonewalling, they expect you to apply pressure; if they are attacking, they expect you to resist. So don't pressure; don't resist. Do the opposite: Step to their side. It disorients them and opens them up to changing their adversarial posture."
"Stepping to their side means doing three things: listening, acknowledging, agreeing. Listen to what they have to say. Acknowledge their point, their feelings, and their competence and status. And agree with them wherever you can."
"In sum, the hurdles you face are the other side's suspicion and hostility, closed ears, and lack of respect. Your best strategy is to stop to their side. It is harder to be hostile toward someone who hears you out and acknowledges what you say and how you feel. It is easier to listen to someone who has listened to you. And respect breeds respect."
"Your counterpart can easily answer no to questions prefaced by is, isn't, can or can't. So ask a question that cannot be answered by no."
"Your attacker is making two claims: first, that your proposal is no good; and second, that you are no good. You have the power to choose which claim you want to address."
"We often blame our negotiating counterpart's resistance on personality or basic nature, but behind the impasse usually lie some very good reasons. Consider the four most common ones: not their idea, unmet interests, fear if loosing face, too much too fast."
"You have to jettison three common assumptions: that the other side is irrational and cant be satisfied; that all they basically want is money; and that you can't meet their needs without undermining yours."
"Building a golden bridge involves much more than making the other side an attractive proposal. First, it means involving them in crafting the agreement. Second, it means looking beyond their obvious interests, such as money, to address their more intangible needs, such as recognition or autonomy. Third, it means helping them save face as they back away from their initial position; it means finding a way for them to present the agreement to their constituents as a victory. And last, it means going slow to go fast, guiding them step-by-step across the bridge."
"A threat is an announcement of your intention to inflict pain, injury, or punishment on the other side. It is a negative promise. A warning, in contrast, is an advance notice of danger. A threat comes across as what you will do to them if they do not agree. A warning comes across as what will happen if agreement is not reached."
"It allows you to step to the balcony and view your difficult negotiation from a new perspective. You break through by going around the other side's resistance, approaching them indirectly, acting contrary to their expectations. The theme throughout is to treat your opponent with respect - not as an object to be pushed, but as a person to be persuaded. Rather than trying to change the other side's thinking by direct pressure, you change the environment in which they make decisions. You let them draw their own conclusions and choose for themselves. Your goal is not to win over them, but to win them over. To accomplish this goal, you need to resist normal human temptations and do the opposite of what you naturally feel like doing. You need to suspend your reaction when you feel like striking back, to listen when you feel like talking back, to ask questions when you feel like telling your opponent the answers, to bridge your differences when you feel like pushing for your way, and to educate when you feel like escalating."
"1. Go to the Balcony. The first step is not to control the other person's behavior. It is to control your own. When the other person says no or launches an attack, you may be stunned into giving in or counterattacking. So suspend your reaction by naming the game. Then buy yourself time to think. Use the time to reflect about your interests and your BATNA. Throughout the negotiation, keep your eyes on the prize. Instead of getting mad or getting even, focus on getting what you want. Don't react: Go to the balcony.
2. Step to Their Side. Before you can negotiate, you need to create a favorable climate. You need to defuse the anger, fear, hostility, and suspicion on the other side. They expect you to attack or to resist. So do the opposite. Listen to them, acknowledge their points, and agree with them wherever you can. Acknowledge their authority and competence too. Don't argue: Step to their side.
3. Reframe. The next challenge is to change the game. When the other side takes a hard-line position, you may be tempted to reject it, but this usually only leads them to dig in further. Instead direct their attention to the challenge of meeting each side's interests. Take whatever they say and reframe it as an attempt to deal with the problem. Ask problem-solving questions, such as "Why is it that you want that? or "What would you do if you were in my shoes?" or "What if we were to...?" Rather than trying to teach the other side yourself, let the problem be their teacher. Reframe their tactics, too, by going around their stone walls, deflecting their attacks, and exposing their tricks. Don't reject: Reframe."
4. Build Them a Golden Bridge. At last you're ready to negotiate. The other side, however, may stall, not yet convinced of the benefits of agreement. You may be tempted to push and insist, but this will probably lead them to harden and resist. Instead, do the opposite - draw them in the direction you would like them to go. Think of yourself as a mediator whose job is to make it easy for them to say yes. Involve them in the process, incorporating their ideas. Try to identify and satisfy their unmet interests, particularly their basic human needs. Help them save face and make the outcome appear as a victory for them. Go slow to go fast. Don't push: Build them a golden bridge.
5. Use Power to Educate. If the other side still resists and thinks they can win without negotiating, you need to educate them to the contrary. You need to make it hard for them to say no. You could use threats and force, but these often backfire; if you push them into a corner, they will likely lash out, throwing even more resources into the fight against you. Instead, educate them about the costs of not agreeing. Ask reality-testing questions, warn rather than threaten, and demonstrate your BATNA. Use it only if necessary, and minimize their resistance by exercising restraint and reassuring them that your goal is mutual satisfaction, not victory. Make sure then know the golden bridge is always open. Don't escalate: Use power to educate."
Don't get emotional, don't get caught up in their defensiveness, work with them, make the pie bigger, bridge the gap between the two parties interests, let them save face and be proud of the solution
Quotes:
"Effective negotiators do not just divvy up a fixed pie. They first explore how to expand the pie."
"A contest of wills thus quickly becomes a conflict of egos."
"BATNA is the key to negotiating power. Your power depends less on whether you are bigger, stronger, more senior, or richer than the other person than on how good your BATNA is. If you have a viable alternative, they you have leverage in the negotiation. The better your BATNA, the more power you have."
"The secret of disarming is surprise. To disarm the other side, you need to do the opposite of what they expect. If they are stonewalling, they expect you to apply pressure; if they are attacking, they expect you to resist. So don't pressure; don't resist. Do the opposite: Step to their side. It disorients them and opens them up to changing their adversarial posture."
"Stepping to their side means doing three things: listening, acknowledging, agreeing. Listen to what they have to say. Acknowledge their point, their feelings, and their competence and status. And agree with them wherever you can."
"In sum, the hurdles you face are the other side's suspicion and hostility, closed ears, and lack of respect. Your best strategy is to stop to their side. It is harder to be hostile toward someone who hears you out and acknowledges what you say and how you feel. It is easier to listen to someone who has listened to you. And respect breeds respect."
"Your counterpart can easily answer no to questions prefaced by is, isn't, can or can't. So ask a question that cannot be answered by no."
"Your attacker is making two claims: first, that your proposal is no good; and second, that you are no good. You have the power to choose which claim you want to address."
"We often blame our negotiating counterpart's resistance on personality or basic nature, but behind the impasse usually lie some very good reasons. Consider the four most common ones: not their idea, unmet interests, fear if loosing face, too much too fast."
"You have to jettison three common assumptions: that the other side is irrational and cant be satisfied; that all they basically want is money; and that you can't meet their needs without undermining yours."
"Building a golden bridge involves much more than making the other side an attractive proposal. First, it means involving them in crafting the agreement. Second, it means looking beyond their obvious interests, such as money, to address their more intangible needs, such as recognition or autonomy. Third, it means helping them save face as they back away from their initial position; it means finding a way for them to present the agreement to their constituents as a victory. And last, it means going slow to go fast, guiding them step-by-step across the bridge."
"A threat is an announcement of your intention to inflict pain, injury, or punishment on the other side. It is a negative promise. A warning, in contrast, is an advance notice of danger. A threat comes across as what you will do to them if they do not agree. A warning comes across as what will happen if agreement is not reached."
"It allows you to step to the balcony and view your difficult negotiation from a new perspective. You break through by going around the other side's resistance, approaching them indirectly, acting contrary to their expectations. The theme throughout is to treat your opponent with respect - not as an object to be pushed, but as a person to be persuaded. Rather than trying to change the other side's thinking by direct pressure, you change the environment in which they make decisions. You let them draw their own conclusions and choose for themselves. Your goal is not to win over them, but to win them over. To accomplish this goal, you need to resist normal human temptations and do the opposite of what you naturally feel like doing. You need to suspend your reaction when you feel like striking back, to listen when you feel like talking back, to ask questions when you feel like telling your opponent the answers, to bridge your differences when you feel like pushing for your way, and to educate when you feel like escalating."
"1. Go to the Balcony. The first step is not to control the other person's behavior. It is to control your own. When the other person says no or launches an attack, you may be stunned into giving in or counterattacking. So suspend your reaction by naming the game. Then buy yourself time to think. Use the time to reflect about your interests and your BATNA. Throughout the negotiation, keep your eyes on the prize. Instead of getting mad or getting even, focus on getting what you want. Don't react: Go to the balcony.
2. Step to Their Side. Before you can negotiate, you need to create a favorable climate. You need to defuse the anger, fear, hostility, and suspicion on the other side. They expect you to attack or to resist. So do the opposite. Listen to them, acknowledge their points, and agree with them wherever you can. Acknowledge their authority and competence too. Don't argue: Step to their side.
3. Reframe. The next challenge is to change the game. When the other side takes a hard-line position, you may be tempted to reject it, but this usually only leads them to dig in further. Instead direct their attention to the challenge of meeting each side's interests. Take whatever they say and reframe it as an attempt to deal with the problem. Ask problem-solving questions, such as "Why is it that you want that? or "What would you do if you were in my shoes?" or "What if we were to...?" Rather than trying to teach the other side yourself, let the problem be their teacher. Reframe their tactics, too, by going around their stone walls, deflecting their attacks, and exposing their tricks. Don't reject: Reframe."
4. Build Them a Golden Bridge. At last you're ready to negotiate. The other side, however, may stall, not yet convinced of the benefits of agreement. You may be tempted to push and insist, but this will probably lead them to harden and resist. Instead, do the opposite - draw them in the direction you would like them to go. Think of yourself as a mediator whose job is to make it easy for them to say yes. Involve them in the process, incorporating their ideas. Try to identify and satisfy their unmet interests, particularly their basic human needs. Help them save face and make the outcome appear as a victory for them. Go slow to go fast. Don't push: Build them a golden bridge.
5. Use Power to Educate. If the other side still resists and thinks they can win without negotiating, you need to educate them to the contrary. You need to make it hard for them to say no. You could use threats and force, but these often backfire; if you push them into a corner, they will likely lash out, throwing even more resources into the fight against you. Instead, educate them about the costs of not agreeing. Ask reality-testing questions, warn rather than threaten, and demonstrate your BATNA. Use it only if necessary, and minimize their resistance by exercising restraint and reassuring them that your goal is mutual satisfaction, not victory. Make sure then know the golden bridge is always open. Don't escalate: Use power to educate."
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 5, 2017
Nothing new or shocking here, but I was pleasantly surprised to learn that I do many of these things when faced with a difficult situation.
Ury also outlines the ways negotiations fall apart, which was helpful by highlighting to me that I'm likely to give in too easily, or look for an alternative to building what he calls "the golden bridge."
I think the most important lesson I learned from this book is in understanding the other person's perspective. You may see the benefits of doing something a certain way, but perhaps those benefits aren't what the other party is looking for. Understanding how to achieve your own needs is only one half of the struggle.
Ury also outlines the ways negotiations fall apart, which was helpful by highlighting to me that I'm likely to give in too easily, or look for an alternative to building what he calls "the golden bridge."
I think the most important lesson I learned from this book is in understanding the other person's perspective. You may see the benefits of doing something a certain way, but perhaps those benefits aren't what the other party is looking for. Understanding how to achieve your own needs is only one half of the struggle.
March 8, 2017
كنت و ما زلت فى رحلة سعى خلف "اى" كتاب عن "التفاوض" او "الثقافة المالية" لا احبذ كثيرا كتب "الادارة " و إن قرأتها اكون اما مضطرا او انخدعت ب العنوان او اشعر ب الوحدة لعدم توافر اى كتاب آخر فى المجالين السابقين "التفاوض" و "الثقافة المالية"..
المهم من ضمن رحلة السعى تلك انهاء اى عناوين "ورقية" فى مكتبة المعادى العامة فى هذين المجالين :" الثقافة المالية" و "التفاوض"
بالترتيب
قرات الكتاب ورقى معار
التفاوض المثالي
الخبايا الخفية للمفاوضات الذكية
و من سابق معرفتى ب كتب التفاوض فهى تنقسم لانواع
حسب المدرسة ..فهما مدرستان مدرسة التفاوض الامريكية و هى الاكثر شيوعا فى مصر و فيها انت تبيع كلام معسول اكثر مما تبيع سلعة او عقار او خدمة
وعود فضفاضة.."هاردها لك ف البيعة اللى جاى بس اكرمنى ف دى"....
و المدرسة الانجليزية و فيها لا يستطيع المفاوض الرد على اى شرط بشكل معسول واسع فضفاض..و انما بوعود محددة ..."اسف فى هذه البيعة لن اشترى الا ب كذا..و لاا استطيع ان اعدك ب اى تسهيلات حاليا فى البيعة القادمة ...وقتها اسعار السوق ستحكم"
حسب اسلوب التناول
فهناك مدرسة التفاوض من وجهة نظر سيكولوجية..نفسيات المتفاوضين
و هناك مدرسة التقنيات و الحيل و اساليب التفاوض
الكتاب يتبع المدرسة الامريكية فى التفاوض - الا انه ليس "بيع كلام" ليس "فهلوة- و مدرسة التفاوض السيكولوجى
الكتاب كما هو ....يدرس كمنهج للتفاوض ل كلية الحقوق هارفارد
و فيه يصف "وليم يورى" منهج نفسى جديد حقيقى فى التفاوض
دوما فى التفاوض انت تجهز نفسك نفسيا و ب الادلة وا لحجج حتى من قبل مقابلة المفاوض الاخر تجهز نفسك لحربه و دحضه و تسخيف ارائه وا لتقليل منها و اعلاء شأن ارائك بل و ربما حتى مهاجمته ك شخص و اخافته هو نفسيا و تفاوضيا ان استطعت و كل ذلك للفوز بالمفاوضات و من ثم السلعة او الخدمة او العقار او حتى الارض
باختصار دائما تستعد لحرب المفاوض الاخر فلماذا لا تجرب فى مرة ان تكون انت و هو فى نفس المعسكر على جانب واحد لا جانبين متقابلين ؟
حينها ككل لاعبى الفنون القتالية الجيوجيتسو و الايكدو لن تجد مقاومة لانك فى صف المقاومة لانك لست امام المنافس بل بجانبه و هو ما يصعب عليه ماديا و نفسيا مهاجمة شخص هو بجانبه لا امامه
الامر ببساطة لان هناك دوما جماعة ما حولك ..انت تخاف من نظرتهم لك ك متراجع او متخاذل ان انت انصت للطرف الاخر او سمعته او تفهمت احد طلباته او حتى نفذتها لك فسيعتبرون ذلك فورا خنوع او ضعف ...حتى و ان لم يجور على حقك الذى تتفاوض بشانه
منهجه فى التفاوض اسمه "التفاوض الاستراتيجى"
اذهب الى الشرفة.... حينما يبدا منافسك التفاوضى فى الضغط اوا لهجوم او الدفاع او حتى التقوقع=
اذهب للشرفة اتركه ...نفسيا و جسديا ..... شم الهواء اهدا ...تنفس ببطء ارتاح ربما كنت متحامل عليه ربما لديه حق ربما انت تطلب المستحيل ربما يهاجمك ك شخص ف تتعصب ف تهدم المفاوضات كلها لكن ان هدات و عدت ربما ينكسف من نفسه فيعتذر او يهدأ و يعود للتفاوض بعقلانية ..ذهابك للشرفة يعطيك الفرصة لتهدا و ترى الامر كله من فوق " نظرةا لطائر المحلق" يعطيك الفرصة لنسيان هجومه الشخصى بل و الاهم انه ابعدك من عملية الرد على هجومه بهجوم فى وقتها ربما كنت ستندم عليه انت و هو ...و لكنك خرجت للشرفة مانعا نفسك و مانعا اياه من الخطأ
= دوما تدخل المفاوضات جاهلا اسباب و دوافع الاخر معتبرا دوما طلباته حتى و من قبل ان يقولها مبالغ فيها و كثيرة و متطلبة... فهلا جربت مرة ان تسمعها فعلا ..الناس دوما يحترموا و يحبوا و يفرحوا بمن يسمعهم..مجرد عملية السماع حتى و ان كنت سترفض بعدها ...الفكرة ان هناك من لا يعطى نفسه للسماع اصلا ..يخبط بيده المائدة لالا كل ما ستقوله مرفوض ؟؟!!! و هو بهذا يظن انه مفاوض صلب...اسمع اولا...فكر فى ما يطلبه الاخر و ضع نفسك مكانه
مثال ...انا صاحب شقة و عاوز ارفع الايجار على الساكن الذى يعمل موظف فى ديوان وزارة التربية وا لتعليم ..عاوز ارفعا لايجار لاعطى لابنى المدرس الحديث العمل فى محافظة نائية فلوس زيادة تعينه فى السفر..... المفاوض الصلب و هو المستأجر فى تلك الحالة لا لن ادفع اكثر و بلا بلا بلا
لكن لو سأل لماذا تريد رفع الايجار
لانى اريد فلوس اكتر
ليه ؟ ما الذى جد فى متطلباتك ؟
ابنى هيسافر و عاوز ادى له فلوس؟
فلان ما شاء الله بقا مدرس فين؟ ف قنا مثلا ...اه طيب
بص انا هاستغل صلاحياتى و احاول انقله لك القاهرة
ها ساعتها هتحتاج الفلوس الاكتر ؟
.............
:)
=لا ترفض ما يقولوه الاخر فقط اسمعه حتى و ان لم يكن يوافق اغراضك....اعد تحويره بما يلبى متطلباته و متطلباتك معها بقدر ما امكن
=ابنى جسر من الذهب و اسمح لمنافسك بعبوره...فرصة للتراجع الشيك بدون هدر ما وجه المنافس......اعرض عليه كل الحلول .ضع حلك المفضل و حل اخر هيكيى هو اصعب منه بحيث يتجه للحل الاسهل من وجه نظره و الحل المناسب من وجهة نظرك انت و الذى ان عرضته منفردا فسيرفضه و لكن ان اختاره هو فسيقبله و تمثل انت قبوله على مضض مع انه مرادك منذ البداية
علّم منافسك لا تهدده و لاا تصعد ...التفاوض و التهديد الشخصى لا يتوافقان
حتى و ان اردت ان تهدده فصيغه مع ابتسامة بلهجة تعليمية ناصحة عاقلة
انت هدات و صبرت عليه
و سمعت دوافعه و تفهمتها و حاولت جاهدا تلبيتها بما يخدم اغراضك
و اعدت صياغة طلباته بما يوافق الطرفان
و بنيت له جسرا من الذهب فى حزمة خيارات من ضمنها ما تريده انت
و اخيرا لا تهدده فيخاف من عبور جسرك الذهبى و انما فقط انصحه موضحا فائدة عبوره الجسر له هو فى المقام الاول
و دعه يعرف انك تنصحه جادا و لاا تناور او تخدعه
و ان هذا الحل اوا لجسر فى مصلحته هو و دوما ذكره بن الخيار له و انه حر و غير مجبر على الاختيار الا وقتما يحب هو ان يختار فستجده سرعان ما يختار ما اردت له من البداية و يعبر الجسر و هو شاكرا لنصيحتك و محافظا على كرامته و غروره الشخصى بان ما فعله فعله كاختيار لا اجبار بل و ربما يشكرك على معاونته للوصول لهذا الحل
الكتاب ايضا يصف كيف تتفاوض نفسيا مع الناس المتقوقعة..من يخبروك بطلباتهم ثم يغلقون اذنهم و عيونهمو عقولهم عن كل شىء اخر تاركينك تؤذن فى مالطا....و الناس الدفاعية التى ترفع راسها فقط لترى حججك و يتفاخروا بان ذكائهم و شكهم جعلهم يرفضونها كلها
و حتى الناس الهجومية وا لتى تتطلب مك دوما المزيد وا لمزيد و المزيد و كيف توقف كل نوع من هؤلاء عند حدوده تجعله لا يتمادى فى طلب المزيد او حتى يغادر قوقعته و يفاوضك بشكل منفتح
الكتاب اسمه الاصلى Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations
و للمؤلف كتاب اخر اسمه Getting to Yes: Negotiating an Agreement Without Giving In
انوى البحث عنه و قراءته قريبا
الكتاب التالى : أنت لست ذكيا الى هذا الحد
المهم من ضمن رحلة السعى تلك انهاء اى عناوين "ورقية" فى مكتبة المعادى العامة فى هذين المجالين :" الثقافة المالية" و "التفاوض"
بالترتيب
قرات الكتاب ورقى معار
التفاوض المثالي
الخبايا الخفية للمفاوضات الذكية
و من سابق معرفتى ب كتب التفاوض فهى تنقسم لانواع
حسب المدرسة ..فهما مدرستان مدرسة التفاوض الامريكية و هى الاكثر شيوعا فى مصر و فيها انت تبيع كلام معسول اكثر مما تبيع سلعة او عقار او خدمة
وعود فضفاضة.."هاردها لك ف البيعة اللى جاى بس اكرمنى ف دى"....
و المدرسة الانجليزية و فيها لا يستطيع المفاوض الرد على اى شرط بشكل معسول واسع فضفاض..و انما بوعود محددة ..."اسف فى هذه البيعة لن اشترى الا ب كذا..و لاا استطيع ان اعدك ب اى تسهيلات حاليا فى البيعة القادمة ...وقتها اسعار السوق ستحكم"
حسب اسلوب التناول
فهناك مدرسة التفاوض من وجهة نظر سيكولوجية..نفسيات المتفاوضين
و هناك مدرسة التقنيات و الحيل و اساليب التفاوض
الكتاب يتبع المدرسة الامريكية فى التفاوض - الا انه ليس "بيع كلام" ليس "فهلوة- و مدرسة التفاوض السيكولوجى
الكتاب كما هو ....يدرس كمنهج للتفاوض ل كلية الحقوق هارفارد
و فيه يصف "وليم يورى" منهج نفسى جديد حقيقى فى التفاوض
دوما فى التفاوض انت تجهز نفسك نفسيا و ب الادلة وا لحجج حتى من قبل مقابلة المفاوض الاخر تجهز نفسك لحربه و دحضه و تسخيف ارائه وا لتقليل منها و اعلاء شأن ارائك بل و ربما حتى مهاجمته ك شخص و اخافته هو نفسيا و تفاوضيا ان استطعت و كل ذلك للفوز بالمفاوضات و من ثم السلعة او الخدمة او العقار او حتى الارض
باختصار دائما تستعد لحرب المفاوض الاخر فلماذا لا تجرب فى مرة ان تكون انت و هو فى نفس المعسكر على جانب واحد لا جانبين متقابلين ؟
حينها ككل لاعبى الفنون القتالية الجيوجيتسو و الايكدو لن تجد مقاومة لانك فى صف المقاومة لانك لست امام المنافس بل بجانبه و هو ما يصعب عليه ماديا و نفسيا مهاجمة شخص هو بجانبه لا امامه
الامر ببساطة لان هناك دوما جماعة ما حولك ..انت تخاف من نظرتهم لك ك متراجع او متخاذل ان انت انصت للطرف الاخر او سمعته او تفهمت احد طلباته او حتى نفذتها لك فسيعتبرون ذلك فورا خنوع او ضعف ...حتى و ان لم يجور على حقك الذى تتفاوض بشانه
منهجه فى التفاوض اسمه "التفاوض الاستراتيجى"
اذهب الى الشرفة.... حينما يبدا منافسك التفاوضى فى الضغط اوا لهجوم او الدفاع او حتى التقوقع=
اذهب للشرفة اتركه ...نفسيا و جسديا ..... شم الهواء اهدا ...تنفس ببطء ارتاح ربما كنت متحامل عليه ربما لديه حق ربما انت تطلب المستحيل ربما يهاجمك ك شخص ف تتعصب ف تهدم المفاوضات كلها لكن ان هدات و عدت ربما ينكسف من نفسه فيعتذر او يهدأ و يعود للتفاوض بعقلانية ..ذهابك للشرفة يعطيك الفرصة لتهدا و ترى الامر كله من فوق " نظرةا لطائر المحلق" يعطيك الفرصة لنسيان هجومه الشخصى بل و الاهم انه ابعدك من عملية الرد على هجومه بهجوم فى وقتها ربما كنت ستندم عليه انت و هو ...و لكنك خرجت للشرفة مانعا نفسك و مانعا اياه من الخطأ
= دوما تدخل المفاوضات جاهلا اسباب و دوافع الاخر معتبرا دوما طلباته حتى و من قبل ان يقولها مبالغ فيها و كثيرة و متطلبة... فهلا جربت مرة ان تسمعها فعلا ..الناس دوما يحترموا و يحبوا و يفرحوا بمن يسمعهم..مجرد عملية السماع حتى و ان كنت سترفض بعدها ...الفكرة ان هناك من لا يعطى نفسه للسماع اصلا ..يخبط بيده المائدة لالا كل ما ستقوله مرفوض ؟؟!!! و هو بهذا يظن انه مفاوض صلب...اسمع اولا...فكر فى ما يطلبه الاخر و ضع نفسك مكانه
مثال ...انا صاحب شقة و عاوز ارفع الايجار على الساكن الذى يعمل موظف فى ديوان وزارة التربية وا لتعليم ..عاوز ارفعا لايجار لاعطى لابنى المدرس الحديث العمل فى محافظة نائية فلوس زيادة تعينه فى السفر..... المفاوض الصلب و هو المستأجر فى تلك الحالة لا لن ادفع اكثر و بلا بلا بلا
لكن لو سأل لماذا تريد رفع الايجار
لانى اريد فلوس اكتر
ليه ؟ ما الذى جد فى متطلباتك ؟
ابنى هيسافر و عاوز ادى له فلوس؟
فلان ما شاء الله بقا مدرس فين؟ ف قنا مثلا ...اه طيب
بص انا هاستغل صلاحياتى و احاول انقله لك القاهرة
ها ساعتها هتحتاج الفلوس الاكتر ؟
.............
:)
=لا ترفض ما يقولوه الاخر فقط اسمعه حتى و ان لم يكن يوافق اغراضك....اعد تحويره بما يلبى متطلباته و متطلباتك معها بقدر ما امكن
=ابنى جسر من الذهب و اسمح لمنافسك بعبوره...فرصة للتراجع الشيك بدون هدر ما وجه المنافس......اعرض عليه كل الحلول .ضع حلك المفضل و حل اخر هيكيى هو اصعب منه بحيث يتجه للحل الاسهل من وجه نظره و الحل المناسب من وجهة نظرك انت و الذى ان عرضته منفردا فسيرفضه و لكن ان اختاره هو فسيقبله و تمثل انت قبوله على مضض مع انه مرادك منذ البداية
علّم منافسك لا تهدده و لاا تصعد ...التفاوض و التهديد الشخصى لا يتوافقان
حتى و ان اردت ان تهدده فصيغه مع ابتسامة بلهجة تعليمية ناصحة عاقلة
انت هدات و صبرت عليه
و سمعت دوافعه و تفهمتها و حاولت جاهدا تلبيتها بما يخدم اغراضك
و اعدت صياغة طلباته بما يوافق الطرفان
و بنيت له جسرا من الذهب فى حزمة خيارات من ضمنها ما تريده انت
و اخيرا لا تهدده فيخاف من عبور جسرك الذهبى و انما فقط انصحه موضحا فائدة عبوره الجسر له هو فى المقام الاول
و دعه يعرف انك تنصحه جادا و لاا تناور او تخدعه
و ان هذا الحل اوا لجسر فى مصلحته هو و دوما ذكره بن الخيار له و انه حر و غير مجبر على الاختيار الا وقتما يحب هو ان يختار فستجده سرعان ما يختار ما اردت له من البداية و يعبر الجسر و هو شاكرا لنصيحتك و محافظا على كرامته و غروره الشخصى بان ما فعله فعله كاختيار لا اجبار بل و ربما يشكرك على معاونته للوصول لهذا الحل
الكتاب ايضا يصف كيف تتفاوض نفسيا مع الناس المتقوقعة..من يخبروك بطلباتهم ثم يغلقون اذنهم و عيونهمو عقولهم عن كل شىء اخر تاركينك تؤذن فى مالطا....و الناس الدفاعية التى ترفع راسها فقط لترى حججك و يتفاخروا بان ذكائهم و شكهم جعلهم يرفضونها كلها
و حتى الناس الهجومية وا لتى تتطلب مك دوما المزيد وا لمزيد و المزيد و كيف توقف كل نوع من هؤلاء عند حدوده تجعله لا يتمادى فى طلب المزيد او حتى يغادر قوقعته و يفاوضك بشكل منفتح
الكتاب اسمه الاصلى Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations
و للمؤلف كتاب اخر اسمه Getting to Yes: Negotiating an Agreement Without Giving In
انوى البحث عنه و قراءته قريبا
الكتاب التالى : أنت لست ذكيا الى هذا الحد
October 5, 2019
1. Don’t react: Go to the balcony. The first step is not to control the other person’s behavior. It is to control your own.
2. Step to Their Side. Listen to them, acknowledge their points, and agree with them wherever you can.
3. Reframe. Take whatever they say and reframe it as an attempt to deal with the problem. Ask problem-solving questions
4. Build them a Golden Bridge. Involve them in the process, incorporating their ideas. Try to identify and satisfy their unmet interests, particularly their basic human needs.
5. Use Power to Educate. Educate them about the costs of not agreeing. Ask reality-testing questions, warn rather than threaten.
2. Step to Their Side. Listen to them, acknowledge their points, and agree with them wherever you can.
3. Reframe. Take whatever they say and reframe it as an attempt to deal with the problem. Ask problem-solving questions
4. Build them a Golden Bridge. Involve them in the process, incorporating their ideas. Try to identify and satisfy their unmet interests, particularly their basic human needs.
5. Use Power to Educate. Educate them about the costs of not agreeing. Ask reality-testing questions, warn rather than threaten.
July 20, 2019
Lots of useful information, and I absolutely believe this process works (I've even begun incorporating it into my negotiations at work with some success). The reason for the 3-star rating is because while the principles may be timeless, the examples used to illustrate them are very dated, and I just got tired of reading about the Cold War and the Cuban Missile Crisis when I'm guessing there may have been one or two successful negotiations in the last 40 years that would prove equally illustrative and much more current.
Favorite quotes:
"The purpose of negotiation is not always to reach agreement. For agreement is only a means to an end, and that end is to satisfy your interests. The purpose of negotiation is to explore whether you can satisfy your interests better through an agreement than you could by pursuing your Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA). Your BATNA is your walkaway alternative. It’s your best course of action for satisfying your interests without the other’s agreement."
"BATNA is the key to negotiating power. Your power depends less on whether you are bigger, stronger, more senior, or richer than the other person than on how good your BATNA is. If you have a viable alternative, then you have leverage in the negotiation. The better your BATNA, the more power you have. Identify your BATNA. Your BATNA should be your measuring stick for evaluating any potential agreement. To identify your BATNA, you should consider three kinds of alternatives. First, what can you do all by yourself to pursue your interests?...Second, what can you do directly to the other side to make them respect your interests?...Third, how can you bring a third party into the situation to further your interests?
"Once you’ve formulated your BATNA, you should ask yourself, 'Should I negotiate at all?'...Perhaps your BATNA is better than any agreement you could reach with the other person. Remember, too, that the negotiation process itself is not free of costs. It can take a lot of time and effort, in the course of which your other alternatives may vanish. Your decision to negotiate should therefore be a carefully considered one."
“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”
"If the other side refuses to come to terms despite all your efforts, it is usually because they believe they can win. They believe that their best alternative to negotiation—their BATNA—is superior to your golden bridge. You need to convince them that they are wrong."
"Using power to educate the other side works in tandem with building them a golden bridge. The first underscores the costs of no agreement, while the second highlights the benefits of agreement. The other side faces a choice between accepting the consequences of no agreement and crossing the bridge."
"Your power to bring the other side to terms comes not from the costs you are able to impose but from the contrast between the consequences of no agreement and the allure of the golden bridge. Your job is to keep sharpening the contrast until they realize that the best way to satisfy their interests is to cross the bridge."
"In summary, the five steps of breakthrough negotiation are. 1. Go to the Balcony. The first step is not to control the other person’s behavior. It is to control your own. When the other person says no or launches an attack, you may be stunned into giving in or counterattacking. So suspend your reaction by naming the game. Then buy yourself time to think. Use the time to reflect about your interests and your BATNA. Throughout the negotiation, keep your eyes on the prize. Instead of getting mad or getting even, focus on getting what you want. Don’t react: Go to the balcony. 2. Step to Their Side. Before you can negotiate, you need to create a favorable climate. You need to defuse the anger, fear, hostility, and suspicion on the other side. They expect you to attack or to resist. So do the opposite. Listen to them, acknowledge their points, and agree with them wherever you can. Acknowledge their authority and competence too. Don’t argue: Step to their side. 3. Reframe. The next challenge is to change the game. When the other side takes a hard-line position, you may be tempted to reject it, but this usually only leads them to dig in further. Instead direct their attention to the challenge of meeting each side’s interests. Take whatever they say and reframe it as an attempt to deal with the problem. Ask problem-solving questions, such as “Why is it that you want that?” or “What would you do if you were in my shoes?” or “What if we were to…?” Rather than trying to teach the other side yourself, let the problem be their teacher. Reframe their tactics, too, by going around their stone walls, deflecting their attacks, and exposing their tricks. Don’t reject: Reframe. 4. Build Them a Golden Bridge. At last you’re ready to negotiate. The other side, however, may stall, not yet convinced of the benefits of agreement. You may be tempted to push and insist, but this will probably lead them to harden and resist. Instead, do the opposite—draw them in the direction you would like them to go. Think of yourself as a mediator whose job is to make it easy for them to say yes. Involve them in the process, incorporating their ideas. Try to identify and satisfy their unmet interests, particularly their basic human needs. Help them save face and make the outcome appear as a victory for them. Go slow to go fast. Don’t push: Build them a golden bridge. 5. Use Power to Educate. If the other side still resists and thinks they can win without negotiating, you need to educate them to the contrary. You need to make it hard for them to say no. You could use threats and force, but these often backfire; if you push them into a corner, they will likely lash out, throwing even more resources into the fight against you. Instead, educate them about the costs of not agreeing. Ask reality-testing questions, warn rather than threaten, and demonstrate your BATNA. Use it only if necessary, and minimize their resistance by exercising restraint and reassuring them that your goal is mutual satisfaction, not victory. Make sure they know the golden bridge is always open. Don't escalate: Use power to educate."
Favorite quotes:
"The purpose of negotiation is not always to reach agreement. For agreement is only a means to an end, and that end is to satisfy your interests. The purpose of negotiation is to explore whether you can satisfy your interests better through an agreement than you could by pursuing your Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA). Your BATNA is your walkaway alternative. It’s your best course of action for satisfying your interests without the other’s agreement."
"BATNA is the key to negotiating power. Your power depends less on whether you are bigger, stronger, more senior, or richer than the other person than on how good your BATNA is. If you have a viable alternative, then you have leverage in the negotiation. The better your BATNA, the more power you have. Identify your BATNA. Your BATNA should be your measuring stick for evaluating any potential agreement. To identify your BATNA, you should consider three kinds of alternatives. First, what can you do all by yourself to pursue your interests?...Second, what can you do directly to the other side to make them respect your interests?...Third, how can you bring a third party into the situation to further your interests?
"Once you’ve formulated your BATNA, you should ask yourself, 'Should I negotiate at all?'...Perhaps your BATNA is better than any agreement you could reach with the other person. Remember, too, that the negotiation process itself is not free of costs. It can take a lot of time and effort, in the course of which your other alternatives may vanish. Your decision to negotiate should therefore be a carefully considered one."
“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”
"If the other side refuses to come to terms despite all your efforts, it is usually because they believe they can win. They believe that their best alternative to negotiation—their BATNA—is superior to your golden bridge. You need to convince them that they are wrong."
"Using power to educate the other side works in tandem with building them a golden bridge. The first underscores the costs of no agreement, while the second highlights the benefits of agreement. The other side faces a choice between accepting the consequences of no agreement and crossing the bridge."
"Your power to bring the other side to terms comes not from the costs you are able to impose but from the contrast between the consequences of no agreement and the allure of the golden bridge. Your job is to keep sharpening the contrast until they realize that the best way to satisfy their interests is to cross the bridge."
"In summary, the five steps of breakthrough negotiation are. 1. Go to the Balcony. The first step is not to control the other person’s behavior. It is to control your own. When the other person says no or launches an attack, you may be stunned into giving in or counterattacking. So suspend your reaction by naming the game. Then buy yourself time to think. Use the time to reflect about your interests and your BATNA. Throughout the negotiation, keep your eyes on the prize. Instead of getting mad or getting even, focus on getting what you want. Don’t react: Go to the balcony. 2. Step to Their Side. Before you can negotiate, you need to create a favorable climate. You need to defuse the anger, fear, hostility, and suspicion on the other side. They expect you to attack or to resist. So do the opposite. Listen to them, acknowledge their points, and agree with them wherever you can. Acknowledge their authority and competence too. Don’t argue: Step to their side. 3. Reframe. The next challenge is to change the game. When the other side takes a hard-line position, you may be tempted to reject it, but this usually only leads them to dig in further. Instead direct their attention to the challenge of meeting each side’s interests. Take whatever they say and reframe it as an attempt to deal with the problem. Ask problem-solving questions, such as “Why is it that you want that?” or “What would you do if you were in my shoes?” or “What if we were to…?” Rather than trying to teach the other side yourself, let the problem be their teacher. Reframe their tactics, too, by going around their stone walls, deflecting their attacks, and exposing their tricks. Don’t reject: Reframe. 4. Build Them a Golden Bridge. At last you’re ready to negotiate. The other side, however, may stall, not yet convinced of the benefits of agreement. You may be tempted to push and insist, but this will probably lead them to harden and resist. Instead, do the opposite—draw them in the direction you would like them to go. Think of yourself as a mediator whose job is to make it easy for them to say yes. Involve them in the process, incorporating their ideas. Try to identify and satisfy their unmet interests, particularly their basic human needs. Help them save face and make the outcome appear as a victory for them. Go slow to go fast. Don’t push: Build them a golden bridge. 5. Use Power to Educate. If the other side still resists and thinks they can win without negotiating, you need to educate them to the contrary. You need to make it hard for them to say no. You could use threats and force, but these often backfire; if you push them into a corner, they will likely lash out, throwing even more resources into the fight against you. Instead, educate them about the costs of not agreeing. Ask reality-testing questions, warn rather than threaten, and demonstrate your BATNA. Use it only if necessary, and minimize their resistance by exercising restraint and reassuring them that your goal is mutual satisfaction, not victory. Make sure they know the golden bridge is always open. Don't escalate: Use power to educate."
April 21, 2017
This book is way better than the first in the series Getting to Yes. I like Ury's prose and his advices are concrete and helpful, it's no wonder this book is considered a negotiation primer.
Key takeaway:
• Obstacles to cooperative negotiation:
o your (emotional) reaction – don’t strike back, don’t give in, don’t break off – to fight this it’s important to recognize the OP’s tactic (stone wall, attack, trick go around, deflect, expose), know your hot buttons, and take time to reflect
o their emotion – understand the OP’s perspective (even paraphrase what they say to demonstrate your understanding, ask them to correct any of your misunderstanding), crate an atmosphere of agreement by using the word “yes” (prefereably use “yes, and” instead of “yes, but”), acknowledge their authority/competence, make I-statements and not you-statements
o their position – don’t reject, reframe: ask the OP open-ended (why? Why not? What if? What makes that fair?) questions in order to clarify their interest, test their opinions and attemot ti dusciver their standards of fairness; ask them for what would they do if they were in your position and how they think the issue should be handled;
o their dissatisfaction – remove common obstacles, don’t dismiss them as irrational, spend time trying to understand their nned and their reasoning, consider the needs for recognition/identity/security, ensure that the proposal is consistent with their principles and values
o their power – help them see that agreement is in their best interest (compare BATNAs, let OP know the consequeces “What do you think will happen if we don’t agree?”/”What do you think I will do?”/”What will you do?”
• Identify your Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement then use that as leverage.
• After asking a question that recived an incomplete or unclear answer, or after presenting an option, be quiet. Most people are uncomfortable with silence during tense situations, so probably the OP will speak first and offer more info.
• Keep in mind that the OP may reject an offer because it wasn’t their idea, because they have further interests, because they believe they will lose face by accepting, because they might be feeling rushed to agreement. In cases like these, avoid telling the OP what the best solition is or why your proposal is the best, instead invite them to share their ideas, offer multiple choices, use an if-then formula, consider having a third party recommend your proposal, ensure that the OP receives credit for resolving the conflict
• Separate the process of reaching agreement into steps based on various issues and then move issues by issue
Key takeaway:
• Obstacles to cooperative negotiation:
o your (emotional) reaction – don’t strike back, don’t give in, don’t break off – to fight this it’s important to recognize the OP’s tactic (stone wall, attack, trick go around, deflect, expose), know your hot buttons, and take time to reflect
o their emotion – understand the OP’s perspective (even paraphrase what they say to demonstrate your understanding, ask them to correct any of your misunderstanding), crate an atmosphere of agreement by using the word “yes” (prefereably use “yes, and” instead of “yes, but”), acknowledge their authority/competence, make I-statements and not you-statements
o their position – don’t reject, reframe: ask the OP open-ended (why? Why not? What if? What makes that fair?) questions in order to clarify their interest, test their opinions and attemot ti dusciver their standards of fairness; ask them for what would they do if they were in your position and how they think the issue should be handled;
o their dissatisfaction – remove common obstacles, don’t dismiss them as irrational, spend time trying to understand their nned and their reasoning, consider the needs for recognition/identity/security, ensure that the proposal is consistent with their principles and values
o their power – help them see that agreement is in their best interest (compare BATNAs, let OP know the consequeces “What do you think will happen if we don’t agree?”/”What do you think I will do?”/”What will you do?”
• Identify your Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement then use that as leverage.
• After asking a question that recived an incomplete or unclear answer, or after presenting an option, be quiet. Most people are uncomfortable with silence during tense situations, so probably the OP will speak first and offer more info.
• Keep in mind that the OP may reject an offer because it wasn’t their idea, because they have further interests, because they believe they will lose face by accepting, because they might be feeling rushed to agreement. In cases like these, avoid telling the OP what the best solition is or why your proposal is the best, instead invite them to share their ideas, offer multiple choices, use an if-then formula, consider having a third party recommend your proposal, ensure that the OP receives credit for resolving the conflict
• Separate the process of reaching agreement into steps based on various issues and then move issues by issue
April 14, 2017
¿Acaso no elimino a mis enemigos cuando los convierto en amigos míos?
USE EL PODER A EDUCAR
Simplemente un libro MUY educador
USE EL PODER A EDUCAR
Simplemente un libro MUY educador
October 21, 2021
It gives practical application of negotiation. In general, we tend to always be in defensive mode while negotiation. Either win-lose or lose-lose situation prevails. But how to frame negotiation as discussion with party and makes it successful is a subject of life-long learning and practice.
September 19, 2017
William Ury, co-founder of Harvard's program on Negotiation is just as good a writer as he is an academic. His experience lies not only within the confines of teaching but has been involved in a number of roles as an advisor, negotiator ranging from corporate mergers to wildcat strikes in a Kentucky coal mine to ethnic wars in the Middle East, the Balkans, and the former Soviet Union.
In his book "Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations", William writes about how to negotiate with a customer/client/person who is unwilling to budge from his stance and proving difficult to negotiate with. This book will be useful for people from all professions since everyone negotiates on a daily basis involuntarily, from a mother convincing her child to eat vegetables to a salesperson trying to close a major sale.
This book deals with this by breaking down negotiations into 5 stages:
1. Don't react - Go to the balcony
The author urges us to view any negotiation from a third person's point of view. Doing so will remove any sentiments attached with the negotiation and can help us see a better picture.
Stay focused on your end goal and keep an eye on the prize.
2. Disarm them - Step to their side
We need to be unpredictable, which sometimes also means that we have to agree with our opponents in order to get things done. This disarms them and makes them less suspicious of your motive.
By stepping to their side, you accumulate more "yeses" which gives both of us a feeling of a more positive meeting.
3. Change the game: Don't reject..Reframe
By disagreeing with the prospective client, you are playing against their ego. Ask them open-ended questions like "Why not?", "what if?" to carry on with the negotiation.
4. Make it easy to say yes: Build a golden bridge
Try to understand how the client is benefited by your offer/product and work towards it.
My most favorite line in this book is "Help write your opponent's victory speech". This one beautiful sentence summarises the entire book. By drafting your opponent's victory speech, everything else will fall into place.
5. Make it hard to say no
Instead of bringing your opponent to his knees by pressuring him to say "yes", it makes more sense to make it harder to say "no". In this case, you come out of the negotiation without one lesser friend/prospect, with the possibility of a future agreement.
In his book "Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations", William writes about how to negotiate with a customer/client/person who is unwilling to budge from his stance and proving difficult to negotiate with. This book will be useful for people from all professions since everyone negotiates on a daily basis involuntarily, from a mother convincing her child to eat vegetables to a salesperson trying to close a major sale.
This book deals with this by breaking down negotiations into 5 stages:
1. Don't react - Go to the balcony
The author urges us to view any negotiation from a third person's point of view. Doing so will remove any sentiments attached with the negotiation and can help us see a better picture.
Stay focused on your end goal and keep an eye on the prize.
2. Disarm them - Step to their side
We need to be unpredictable, which sometimes also means that we have to agree with our opponents in order to get things done. This disarms them and makes them less suspicious of your motive.
By stepping to their side, you accumulate more "yeses" which gives both of us a feeling of a more positive meeting.
3. Change the game: Don't reject..Reframe
By disagreeing with the prospective client, you are playing against their ego. Ask them open-ended questions like "Why not?", "what if?" to carry on with the negotiation.
4. Make it easy to say yes: Build a golden bridge
Try to understand how the client is benefited by your offer/product and work towards it.
My most favorite line in this book is "Help write your opponent's victory speech". This one beautiful sentence summarises the entire book. By drafting your opponent's victory speech, everything else will fall into place.
5. Make it hard to say no
Instead of bringing your opponent to his knees by pressuring him to say "yes", it makes more sense to make it harder to say "no". In this case, you come out of the negotiation without one lesser friend/prospect, with the possibility of a future agreement.
September 29, 2011
despite most of what is being said in this book kinda feeling obvious, just reading it and organizing ones thoughts is extremely helpful. in fact, just today (i finished this book on the train home today) i used techniques described in here (possibly unknowingly) to get 3 adversely positioned colleagues to change their stance on the issue in question by 180°. suffice to say i was baffled and quite proud of myself, because not only did i overcome my innate tendency to overreaction (the balcony thing really helped me form my arguments today, even tho i did let an exquisite jibe at my adversary through - as satisfying as that was, it may have been somewhat unprofessional, even though all the participants took me a lot more seriously afterwards), i actually managed to make it almost impossible for the decision to go any other way than mine.
definitely a five star read, and even if it may be out of sequence and possibly more of the same, i started "getting to yes" today.
very useful stuff for anyone who has wondered, like me, why maintaining relationships with certain people are so hard and find it hard to hold back every opportunity to attack them.
definitely a five star read, and even if it may be out of sequence and possibly more of the same, i started "getting to yes" today.
very useful stuff for anyone who has wondered, like me, why maintaining relationships with certain people are so hard and find it hard to hold back every opportunity to attack them.
April 12, 2022
This book definitely would have hit different... If I read it in 1991 when it was published. I mean, take the story of Van Dyke hostage situation in 1982, one of the most famous. The "professional shmeshional negotiator was able to give him a better prison location and time to talk to the media in turn no hostages being killed. The dude was rational and just wanted to spread his message that the PRISON SYSTEM IS TERRIBLE FOR PRISONERS AND DOES NOT MAKE THEM BETTER CITIZENS (whatever that is even defined as). They were just happy the new field of conflict studies is proving to work, but LOL the underlying factor of the hostage situation wasn't even addressed. The one time Israel-Palestine (otherwise known by Ury as the "Intractable" conflict—OOF) was brought up, the Camp David AccordsSadat going to Jerusalem and recognizing Israel's right to exist was historic and led to good; sinai being given up for peace. Some of this stuff is still staple in conflict management: saying "yes, and" having a "Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement" are cool, but wow this book is old.
April 19, 2021
This book was very interesting, especially as I go to most negotiations assuming I will get a no as an answer. It re-states a lot of concepts from "Getting to Yes" so I would recommend reading that first, but it is not necessary. I felt like I intuitively knew the 5 obstacles, but my biggest takeaway for sure was the breakthrough strategy presented. After all, I've had numerous difficulties at dealing with these obstacles.
The breakthrough strategy includes five amazing steps which I can't wait to put to practice, which are:
1. Go to the balcony
2. Step to their side
3. Reframe
4. Build them a golden bridge
5. Use power to educate
For more details on how to apply them, I cannot explain it better than the book did, so if interested, I would greatly recommend reading it!
The breakthrough strategy includes five amazing steps which I can't wait to put to practice, which are:
1. Go to the balcony
2. Step to their side
3. Reframe
4. Build them a golden bridge
5. Use power to educate
For more details on how to apply them, I cannot explain it better than the book did, so if interested, I would greatly recommend reading it!
February 9, 2023
a lot of this gave me the vibes of “a man takes shrooms at age 25 and realizes things that a girl knew when she listened to the 1975 alone in her room at 12” ya know? like the stuff about empathy and listening. however, it did have good tips on negotiating (some of it toed the line of being manipulative but it was mostly good) and i like how the author included examples from different aspects of life, not just business.
April 30, 2024
Really enjoyed this book. It gave me additional insights on how to be a better negotiator. “No” isn’t always the final answer. Also, there may be ALOT more behind someone’s reluctance and you should try to “get past no”.
Read
February 20, 2018مراجعة كرتونية للكتاب تجدها على الرابط:
http://agileurbia.com/4d2n
http://agileurbia.com/4d2n
May 11, 2018
Take a May term class, they said. Get the most out of your tuition, they said.
July 1, 2019
This was an excellent book on the highlights of making progress in difficult negotiations. As I don't need in-depth knowledge, this overview was perfect for improving my skills without going deep into a topic I don't need that much information about.
January 26, 2025
I read this as a refresher.
October 13, 2018
A good for people who want to understand why people do the random things after sitting on the negotiation table. Every tactic has been summarised pretty well but the most important thing is to remember that all your negotiation should be based on principle. All this is easy to read and understand but actually perfection will only come, once you start observing these negotiations and start implementing the tactics.
February 8, 2019
Here it is in a nutshell. To get past “no” you must overcome the barriers to cooperation, which include: your opponent’s negative emotions, his skepticism about reaching an agreement, and your own reaction. You thus face five challenges:
1. Don’t react; stay focused on what you want
2. Disarm your opponent by defusing defensiveness, fears, and suspicions
3. Change the game from bargaining for positions to meeting both side’s interests
4. Make it easy to say “yes”; provide him the cover to save face
5. Make it hard to say “no”; ask questions that CAN’T be answered with a “NO”. Use problem-solving questions that are open-ended and eye opening. Use “how”, “why”, “why not”, “what”, or “who” in the question.
A critical tool is reframing: Recasting what your opponent says in a form that directs attention back to the problem of satisfying both side’s interests. Show that you’re trying to solve the problem, thus drawing him into the new game.
1. Don’t react; stay focused on what you want
2. Disarm your opponent by defusing defensiveness, fears, and suspicions
3. Change the game from bargaining for positions to meeting both side’s interests
4. Make it easy to say “yes”; provide him the cover to save face
5. Make it hard to say “no”; ask questions that CAN’T be answered with a “NO”. Use problem-solving questions that are open-ended and eye opening. Use “how”, “why”, “why not”, “what”, or “who” in the question.
A critical tool is reframing: Recasting what your opponent says in a form that directs attention back to the problem of satisfying both side’s interests. Show that you’re trying to solve the problem, thus drawing him into the new game.
November 2, 2009
Concise, practical book on negotiating
Best-selling author William Ury has the topic of negotiation down cold. Reading this classic book (originally released in 1991) is a pleasure and the reasons it became a bestseller are obvious: It is clear, concise and eminently readable. This book has such wide appeal that getAbstract recommends it to all businesspeople and to anyone who ever needs to negotiate about anything – from cops bargaining with hostage takers to consumers pushing for the best car prices. Read this book and become a better negotiator.
Best-selling author William Ury has the topic of negotiation down cold. Reading this classic book (originally released in 1991) is a pleasure and the reasons it became a bestseller are obvious: It is clear, concise and eminently readable. This book has such wide appeal that getAbstract recommends it to all businesspeople and to anyone who ever needs to negotiate about anything – from cops bargaining with hostage takers to consumers pushing for the best car prices. Read this book and become a better negotiator.
July 31, 2017
Ik ben geen onderhandelaar. Onderhandelingen vermijd ik liever, want weet ik veel wat ik wanneer moet zeggen. Soms draaiden onderhandelingen niet uit zoals ik had gehoopt, evengoed kwamen enkele zeer moeilijke discussies uit op een beter resultaat dan ik had durven te verwachten.
Nooit heb ik begrepen wat ik precies goed of fout had gedaan. Tot ik dit boek las.
Redelijk dun boekje, maar wel propvol concrete voorbeelden die je doen inzien: ah ja, zo werkt dat!
Opgepast: nu ben ik wel een onderhandelaar.
Nooit heb ik begrepen wat ik precies goed of fout had gedaan. Tot ik dit boek las.
Redelijk dun boekje, maar wel propvol concrete voorbeelden die je doen inzien: ah ja, zo werkt dat!
Opgepast: nu ben ik wel een onderhandelaar.
January 16, 2018
كتاب خفيف لطيف. فيه الكثير من القيم و المواقف لصناعة و تطوير الذات. و كيفية تطبيق استراتيجيات الاختراق لتغيير وجهات نظر في العلاقات الصعبة. و مهارة السيطرة على الانفعال. و كذلك الابتعاد عن الجدل و تقبل الاخر و تفريغ نظرياته من معناها و تحويرها لتكوين فكر او وجهة نظر قريبة من وجه نظرك. و كيف تخفف من الضغط على الطرف الاخر حتى لا تخسر عملية التفاوض. واستخدم طرف ثالث جدير بالثقة. و يعطي الكتاب اهمية لعملية التصعيد في المواقف. و الفرق بين التهديد الصريح والانسحاب. ساعيد قراءة هذا الكتاب مرة اخرى. وانصح به.
May 28, 2020
Ury is the recipient of the Whitney North Seymour Award from the American Arbitration Association. He also received the Distinguished Service Medal from the Russian Parliament for his work on the resolution of ethnic conflicts. He received the 2012 Peacemakers Award from Mediators Beyond Borders.
Getting Past No is a reference book on collaborative negotiation in difficult situations, written by William L. Ury. First published in September 1991 and revised in 2007, this book is the sequel to Getting to Yes...
Getting Past No is a reference book on collaborative negotiation in difficult situations, written by William L. Ury. First published in September 1991 and revised in 2007, this book is the sequel to Getting to Yes...
September 30, 2014
I learnt a lot from the different negotiation strategies that I can apply not only in work but in my personal life to make my negotiations with others more effective :) The book had a very smooth structure that I liked because it gave me a sense of ideas' sequence.
I strongly recommend it for people who find it difficult to reach an agreement with others and often struggle in negotiations :)
I strongly recommend it for people who find it difficult to reach an agreement with others and often struggle in negotiations :)
November 3, 2012
The world would be a better place if everyone negotiated nicely with the best common interest in mind. Unfortunately most people who consider themselves "good negotiators," hagglers, and hard-bargaining are really just bullies or other personality disorders. The author gives some good tricks for dealing with them, but in real life you're probably better off walking away.
February 4, 2017
This book must be read in conjunction with "Getting to Yes" who was co-authored by William Ury, the author of this book. "Getting to Yes" is how to negotiate under ideal circumstances which are practices any negotiator must have in their tool box. "Getting Past No" is for the other 95% of negotiations when the other side refuses to talk, uses nefarious tricks and actively works against you.
February 18, 2024
Part of my new club: Thought-Trekkers Book Club, Vrije Universiteit Amsterdam February 2024, Episode 1
My notes:
# Soft on the people, hard on the problem.
> *Reframe an attack on you as an attack on the problem*
>
## *Your single greatest opportunity as a negotiator is to change the game.*
- *If you want to sit side by side facing the problem, you will need to **Step to Their Side***
- *The mistake, a common one, is trying to reason with a person who is not receptive*
- But don’t deem them irrational, because then you will not probe further for unmet needs.
- Use the following technique: *If I were in your shoes, this is the way I’d see it.*
- Use the following technique: *I can see why you feel the way you do, it’s entirely reasonable that you feel that way. My experience, however has been different.*
- *Each yes you elicit from the other side further reduces tension.*
- But each no gives them the feeling of power.
- So phrase positive questions in a way that they can respond with no.
- Reassure the other person of their status: acknowledge their superior position, if that’s the case and then suggest your opinion.
- If very staunch:
- Use the following technique: What would you suggest that I do? What would you do if you were in my shoes?
- Act as if their position is fair. Ask them what makes their position fair. This is a very good starting point.
- *Negotiate about the negotiation*
- *It seems to me that the way we are negotiating is not going to lead to the kind of outcome we both want. We need to stop arguing about the issues and discuss the rules of the game*
- *This is where you can also engage the standard*
- *An independent standard is a measuring stick that allows you to decide what is a fair solution*
- *It is easier for your client to accept a standard like market rate than it is to pay for a certain fee just because you say that’s what you charge.*
- *Make it easy for them to say yes*
- *Go slow, in order to go fast. You are the guide helping a client afraid of height climb a steep mountain*
- The harder you make it for them to say no, the harder it is for them to say yes.
---
# *You begin by identifying each sides’s interests: the concerns, needs, fears and desires*
> Build you opponent a golden bridge to reatreat across
>
## *Before every meeting, prepare. After every meeting assess your progress, adapt your strategy and prepare again*
- With Every Hour of preparation, you gain 20 IQ points
- Rehearse the negotiation. With a friend or even by yourself. Always have identified a Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement
## *Negotiation is a 2 way street. You cannot satisfy your interests unless you also satisfy the other side’s.*
- Instead of starting from where you are, you need to start from where the other person is
- *Blaise Pascal: People are usually more convinced by reasons they discovered themselves, than by those found by others.*
- *Successful negotiators head off a contest of wills by turning the selection process into a joint search for a fair and mutually satisfactory solution*
- Your aim is to win them over, not over them.
## *On Striking Back and on Attacks*
- When your reaction is to attack when attack, *You provide them with a justification for their unreasonable behavior.*
- *By Reacting, you become part of the problem*
- *Just as it takes 2 to tango, it takes 2 to mingle*
- *It takes 2 to tangle, but it takes only one to begin to untangle a knotty situation.*
- For every action, there is a reaction. T*his applies to objects, not minds. Objects react. Minds can choose not to.*
- *An eye for an eye and we all go blind*
- If you hit a stone wall, such as “Take it or leave it!” Continue negotiations as if oyu did not hear that. If they are serious, they will repeat the threat and anyways, the negotiation is already over.
- *We like deadlines. The shorter, the better. Because once you’ve broken the deadline, you’ve knocked them off their game plan.*
---
# *Negotiation is a ritual of participation,*
> *Your destination is a mutually satisfactorily agreement*
>
- *People see things differently when they become involved*
- *Negotiation is more about asking than it is about telling.*
- *The simplest way to involve the other side is to ask for their ideas*
- *Then build on their ideas. That does not mean you accept them*
- Get a *distanced view of close things*
- *In ancient mythology, calling an evil spirit by its name enabled you to ward it off. So too, with unfair tactics-identify them and you break the spell they cast.*
- If attacked, confidently or even joke recognizing the attack. This will project confidence and the opponent will respect you more.
- *Never make an important decision on the spot*
- Make it easy on them at the end and save some flexibility in advance.
- Don’t fight over the last crumb.
- Let them win the last round.
# STEP-BY-STEP:
1. Go the the balcony
2. Step to their side
3. Reframe
4. Build them a Golden Bridge
5. Use Power to Educate
My notes:
# Soft on the people, hard on the problem.
> *Reframe an attack on you as an attack on the problem*
>
## *Your single greatest opportunity as a negotiator is to change the game.*
- *If you want to sit side by side facing the problem, you will need to **Step to Their Side***
- *The mistake, a common one, is trying to reason with a person who is not receptive*
- But don’t deem them irrational, because then you will not probe further for unmet needs.
- Use the following technique: *If I were in your shoes, this is the way I’d see it.*
- Use the following technique: *I can see why you feel the way you do, it’s entirely reasonable that you feel that way. My experience, however has been different.*
- *Each yes you elicit from the other side further reduces tension.*
- But each no gives them the feeling of power.
- So phrase positive questions in a way that they can respond with no.
- Reassure the other person of their status: acknowledge their superior position, if that’s the case and then suggest your opinion.
- If very staunch:
- Use the following technique: What would you suggest that I do? What would you do if you were in my shoes?
- Act as if their position is fair. Ask them what makes their position fair. This is a very good starting point.
- *Negotiate about the negotiation*
- *It seems to me that the way we are negotiating is not going to lead to the kind of outcome we both want. We need to stop arguing about the issues and discuss the rules of the game*
- *This is where you can also engage the standard*
- *An independent standard is a measuring stick that allows you to decide what is a fair solution*
- *It is easier for your client to accept a standard like market rate than it is to pay for a certain fee just because you say that’s what you charge.*
- *Make it easy for them to say yes*
- *Go slow, in order to go fast. You are the guide helping a client afraid of height climb a steep mountain*
- The harder you make it for them to say no, the harder it is for them to say yes.
---
# *You begin by identifying each sides’s interests: the concerns, needs, fears and desires*
> Build you opponent a golden bridge to reatreat across
>
## *Before every meeting, prepare. After every meeting assess your progress, adapt your strategy and prepare again*
- With Every Hour of preparation, you gain 20 IQ points
- Rehearse the negotiation. With a friend or even by yourself. Always have identified a Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement
## *Negotiation is a 2 way street. You cannot satisfy your interests unless you also satisfy the other side’s.*
- Instead of starting from where you are, you need to start from where the other person is
- *Blaise Pascal: People are usually more convinced by reasons they discovered themselves, than by those found by others.*
- *Successful negotiators head off a contest of wills by turning the selection process into a joint search for a fair and mutually satisfactory solution*
- Your aim is to win them over, not over them.
## *On Striking Back and on Attacks*
- When your reaction is to attack when attack, *You provide them with a justification for their unreasonable behavior.*
- *By Reacting, you become part of the problem*
- *Just as it takes 2 to tango, it takes 2 to mingle*
- *It takes 2 to tangle, but it takes only one to begin to untangle a knotty situation.*
- For every action, there is a reaction. T*his applies to objects, not minds. Objects react. Minds can choose not to.*
- *An eye for an eye and we all go blind*
- If you hit a stone wall, such as “Take it or leave it!” Continue negotiations as if oyu did not hear that. If they are serious, they will repeat the threat and anyways, the negotiation is already over.
- *We like deadlines. The shorter, the better. Because once you’ve broken the deadline, you’ve knocked them off their game plan.*
---
# *Negotiation is a ritual of participation,*
> *Your destination is a mutually satisfactorily agreement*
>
- *People see things differently when they become involved*
- *Negotiation is more about asking than it is about telling.*
- *The simplest way to involve the other side is to ask for their ideas*
- *Then build on their ideas. That does not mean you accept them*
- Get a *distanced view of close things*
- *In ancient mythology, calling an evil spirit by its name enabled you to ward it off. So too, with unfair tactics-identify them and you break the spell they cast.*
- If attacked, confidently or even joke recognizing the attack. This will project confidence and the opponent will respect you more.
- *Never make an important decision on the spot*
- Make it easy on them at the end and save some flexibility in advance.
- Don’t fight over the last crumb.
- Let them win the last round.
# STEP-BY-STEP:
1. Go the the balcony
2. Step to their side
3. Reframe
4. Build them a Golden Bridge
5. Use Power to Educate
June 6, 2011
This book outlines a very good process by which to handle all negotiations in life. Very methodical without being overly specific. Quick read. I am going to read his others. eventually.
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