Shell: One Woman's Final Year After a Lifelong Struggle with Anorexia and Bulimia

by Michelle Stewart

A dying woman reflects upon her decades-long eating disorder and her experience as a palliative patient in this poignant memoir.

In March 2013 Michelle Stewart was diagnosed with end-stage renal failure due to her eating disorder and given only a few months to live. Determined to share her story while she still had the chance, Michelle began writing a revealing blog in which she chronicled her lifelong struggle and her experiences as a palliative patient. “I have had a 32-year dress rehearsal for the fate I now face,” she writes. This memoir is a collection of the most poignant pieces of writing from that blog, supplemented with previously unpublished pieces of original poetry from the author.

Genres: Nonfiction, Mental Health, Memoir

236 pages, Paperback

First published September 8, 2015

About the author

Librarian Note: There is more than one author by this name in the Goodreads database. This profile is for Michelle^^^^Stewart.

Michelle Stewart (1964–2014) spent ten years as a radio journalist before building a high-profile career in healthcare communications.

Reviews

[George Ilsley · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is based on a series of blog entries, and unfortunately, still comes across as a first draft. Of course it is very sad that the blog entries were composed during the last year of the writer's life. The writer does not shy away from blaming herself for the situation; however, as someone with issues of control and deceit, these issues still abound in this text. I kept wishing for something better written, better editing, more insightful, more revealing. Instead we are only given this shell of a memoir, and could only imagine how much better it could have been, if things had been different.

Stewart mentions gestures which touched her — what gestures? Please provide actual examples. Other times Stewart is pushing people away. Definitely room here for "more show, less tell." There was a humiliating experience, mentioned but not disclosed. Why not mention it? If idea of death by renal failure is not an effective deterrent, maybe the details of humiliation would be. Stewart is very vague about many things here (in an effort apparently, not to be triggering or instructive) yet this vagueness renders many sections boring and skippable.

Stewart also wants more treatment options for eating disorders, yet notes that nothing would have deterred her. Even with renal failure, her disorder wins. There is no redemption here.

[Marilyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was about as heart-wrenching as you would expect it to be. To read the last words of someone who knew she was dying really affected me - perhaps more than others might be as I kept reflecting on my own death (and resuscitation) last year. Her words describing the pain of her family members made me relive the pain I saw in my own loved ones - and still do when they are reminded of everything I went through. While I can't understand how someone would have the strength to sustain an eating disorder for so long and to such a degree, I appreciated Michelle's words and wisdom on looking at approaching the end of life with as much dignity as one can.

[Liralen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easily one of the best blog-to-book memoirs I've read, with a twist: Stewart had been diagnosed with end-stage (terminal) renal disease when she started her blog, and the book was published posthumously. It adds up to one of the few eating-disorder stories I haven't seen before. Stewart's ESRD was related to her eating disorder, and she was both looking back on decades of illness and looking ahead to a certain death—not if you don't make changes, you might die but this is it.

Stewart opted out of dialysis despite the fact that dialysis might have kept her alive (and presumably in a great deal less pain) considerably longer: it was not that she did not want to live, but the disordered part of her brain couldn't let her make the food-related changes dialysis would entail. Recovery wasn't really an option. But she didn't go in blindly. It's frustrating, yes. I 'know better', so to speak, and I still want to say 'but maybe this time...!' It's also poignant and just...entirely sad.

The book isn't really about that, though. Some of it is about the past, though, but more of it is about the day-to-day reality of, well, a drawn-out death—emotional things and a whole host of practical ones: having to sell the house and move somewhere smaller, and trying to manage well-intentioned friends, and a basic triage of activities when energy starts flagging.

Loved this for bringing something new to the table and doing so in such a thoughtful, mindful manner. Just...too bad it's under such circumstances.

[Leah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Michelle's story is one that needs to be read by all, not just because it is a tremendous and heart-shattering read, but also because of the words she has to say regarding eating disorders and health care in Canada. The minimal light that is shed on eating disorders in the health and psychiatric world is minimal, yet the numbers surrounding the multiple EDs says that light needs to be shed. What Michelle suffered with from her early teens up until her passing is not uncommon, although I wish it was. Her points regarding assisted death are very true. Her story is one to be read and held close by all.

[Fawn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend this memoir, it's painfully honest and really beautifully written. I also learnt much on my reaching out with loved ones that are ill or going through painful times, Shell gives you much to think about. Will sit with me for days, this I am sure.

[Lexi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written. Definitely worth the read

[Elizabeth Chadsey · Rating 5 out of 5]

spoiler alert: she dies in the end

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

More about the reality of dying as opposed to her eating disorder, not what I expected, but still good!

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciated and enjoyed this book as it's a narrative we don't see very often in eating disorder books. It definitely made me sad though.