If Only You Knew: a true story of bulimia, suicide, and a journey to hope

by Heidi Wahl Jost

In the spring of 2001, 19-year-old Katrina Wahl told her parents that she was considering "There are only two things holding me back from taking this – the easiest path. The first is the end itself. I don’t want it to be messy or unduly painful – or, what’s worse – unsuccessful. I would want it to be quick and easy. Less for people to take care of afterwards."The second hesitation factor is friends and family. I don’t like to think of how they’d feel after hearing the news. I don’t want to hurt them. What would people think? They would probably wonder what on earth could have ailed me so much that I would actually end my life over it. They’d say, 'There’s no reason for it. She had a very good, loving, supportive Christian upbringing and a marvelous family. She was even a Christian herself. Went to church regularly, got good grades, was a hard worker. What went wrong?'" Seven months later, Katrina's hesitations were gone. The college sophomore's body was found in an isolated corner of campus. In the devastating aftermath, Katrina's younger sister Heidi grappled with the same questions Katrina Can God be trusted? Is obeying Him worth the effort? Is there hope for those struggling with depression, negative body image, and addictions to food and pornography?Amid heartache and tears, Heidi discovered life-breathing truths that are found in Jesus Christ. It is her desire that, in reading these pages, those ensnared by the same lies that tormented Katrina will find hope and freedom in the God who is mighty to save.

186 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2008

Reviews

[Eleanor Bertin · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's every parent's worst nightmare -- that early morning visit from police bringing the fatal message, "Your child is dead." And the pain is magnified to find the precious son or daughter's death has come by their own hand.
That's when the "if onlys" begin.
In Heidi Jost's memoir of her sister Katrina, the nightmare is retold from the perspective of a sister, closest in age, bonded by years growing up together in a tight-knit homeschooling farm family. The portrait she so deftly captures is of a girl rooted in a loving family, growing in Christian faith, budding with musical and artistic talent.
Through relentless, honest questions and a series of "if onlys", the author chronicles the heart-breaking withering of her sister before she could ever reach full blossom.
"If only" Katrina could have trusted God with her future instead of giving in to worry.
"If only" her family could have understood the torment of disordered eating and the need for accountability.
"If only" she could have internalized a wholesome body image.
"If only" she could have rightly understood the Christian's ongoing battle with sin, and the truth about suicide and survivor's pain.
This book is beautifully written, expressing the full spectrum of joy, love and the depths of grief in compelling terms. But no amount of description can adequately characterize a unique, dynamic human soul. It left me wishing I could have known Katrina.
The question of eternal destiny in the case of one who takes their own life, which is touched on only briefly and left unknown, could have been addressed at greater length from a biblical perspective.
The author discusses the causes and dangers of eating disorders, pornography addiction, suicide and depression and includes helpful resources for those facing these issues in their own life or the life of someone they love.
Posthumous letters to Katrina from her parents are especially poignant and gripping. Given the statistics on marriage and family disintegration following a tragedy of this nature, it's a tribute to Jesus that this family remains close-knit and even stronger in their trust in a loving God as a result of the sorrow they've experienced. Heidi Jost's message that they have touched bottom and found it to be sound resonates with hope in the midst of tragedy.

[Cam :) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rachel lended me this book after I told her daughter of my attempt and struggle with an eating disorder. I couldn’t read it at first because it triggered me and I was jealous of the support that you all had that I was lacking, but finally sitting down and finishing it I realize that it speaks on that as well.

I’m thankful for Rachel and Danica, and also Heidi for using their grief to help others.

This book sheds light on so many topics surrounding depression and eating disorders. It’s great to read even if you don’t struggle or know someone who does in order to have that knowledge just in case.

A song my mother-in-law played for me while I was reading this book is called In The Stars by Benson Boone. I couldn’t help but put myself in Heidi’s shoes listening to that song while reading If Only You Knew.