Reconcilable Differences

by Andrew Christensen, Neil S. Jacobson

Every couple has arguments, but what happens when recurring battles begin to feel like full-scale war? Do you retreat in hurt and angry silence, hoping that a spouse who "just doesn't get it" will eventually see things your way? Spend the time between skirmishes gathering evidence that you're right? Demand some immediate changes--or else? Whether due to innate personality traits or emotional vulnerabilities, there are some aspects of our behavior that are difficult to alter. But these differences do not have to get in the way of healthy, happy, and long-lasting romance. This practical guide offers new solutions for couples frustrated by continual attempts to make each other change. Aided by thought-provoking exercises and lots of real-life examples, readers will learn why they keep having the same fights again and again; how to keep small incompatibilities from causing big problems; and how true acceptance can restore health to their relationships.

Genres: Marriage, Psychology, Nonfiction, Personal Development, Relationships, Self Help

333 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 1999

Reviews

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

The 'anatomy of an argument' includes an extensive breakdown of interpersonal conflict. It was eye-opening to see how we can have a fight about one thing but the root issue is really much deeper. The wealth of information in this book might leave you feeling overwhelmed, like you can't possibly figure out which strategy to implement - there are lots to choose from. My takeaway from this book is importance of being deliberate with my communication and emotions and trying to understand the other person so that conflict doesn't get out of hand.

[Whitney · Rating 4 out of 5]

Best couples/relationship book I've read in a long time!I'm currently recommending it to all my clients and friends.

[David Grassé · Rating 5 out of 5]

Learned quite a bit from this about the nature of inter-personal relationships and communication. Will likely go back and re-read parts of the book for greater clarity.

[Nate Tucker · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Reconcilable Differences" stands out as a compelling read in the extensive domain of marital guidance literature. This book is, in essence, a comprehensive compendium that delves deep into the behavioral interpretations associated with marital differences across various fields.

Having familiarized myself with other significant works such as "Emotionally Focused Therapy," "Imago Therapy," and "The Gottman Method," I've come to appreciate the multifaceted nature of marital differences. These relationships aren't solely influenced by behavior. Yet, of all the aspects explored in these books, behavior resonates the most with me, grounding the abstract and theoretical in observable reality.

While a significant portion of "Reconcilable Differences" echoes the common-sense wisdom found in other marital guides, it offers unique insights that set it apart. Scattered throughout its pages are pearls of wisdom, often overlooked in other similar literature, enriching the reader's perspective on relationship dynamics.

One of the book's strengths lies in its emphasis on practicality. Unlike some approaches which delve into recreating familial dynamics or trying to deeply comprehend childhood differences, this book underscores the paramountcy of behavior. After all, in day-to-day interactions, behavior is what's palpably observed, desired, and ultimately defines individuals. Moreover, the book equips readers with effective tools and strategies to navigate and modify behavior in a way that aligns with relationship goals.

Were someone to ask me for a single recommendation from the plethora of marriage counseling books I've ventured through, "Reconcilable Differences" would be my top pick. Its well-structured guidance and vast scope make it feel like a toolkit that could offer solutions right off the bat.

However, a word of caution to prospective readers: while its practical and comprehensive nature is commendable, the book leans heavily on a singular viewpoint. Like all books, it's essential to remember that it offers a perspective, not a panacea, and should be considered as one of many tools in the quest for relationship understanding and improvement.

[Lynnaea · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very digestible guide to how to handle conflict with a romantic partner. I appreciated the multitude of case examples and the simple explanations of principles from research and couples therapy. I was reading this for a course, so did not personally find the exercises useful, but they seemed reasonable.

[Becky Bringewatt · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a good book with great resources for couples having problems in their relationships. Online tools and other books are referenced and it is a useful guide to beginning to work through problems. It also has a section about how to look for the right therapist if you are seeking help, which I thought was quite informative. Would recommend if this is what you are looking for.

[Ronnetta · Rating 5 out of 5]

Most excellent

As a psychologist who loves and offers Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy, I consider this to be an excellent self-help guide. It’s informative and easy to read with relatable scenarios.

[V · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book, has a LOT of information, and can help even those couples without issues understand their couple patterns better.

[Destiny Fava · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book, way to many examples but great points of advice.

[Princess Nyanu · Rating 3 out of 5]

😘😘😘

[sandy · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are a few useful constructs for framing an argument in a way that increases likelihood of resolving conflicts in a more calm, less accusatory manner. There are numerous basics of "rules to follow" and poor communication patterns to avoid although someone new to this reading would probably find helpful. For me, however, this book gives too many case study examples and too few research driven findings.

[Bethany Womack]

Recommended by Dr. Sells
Meant to go with their other book "Acceptance and Change in Couple Therapy"

[Nathaniel Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book for couples. I love this book.

[Dakota Fabro · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely helped the way I see my own social relationships. Essential read for anyone who is trying to get married!