You're the Only One I Can Tell: Inside the Language of Women's Friendships

by Deborah Tannen

Best friend, old friend, good friend, bff, college roommate, neighbor, workplace confidante: Women's friendships are a lifeline in times of trouble and a support system for daily life. A friend can be like a sister, daughter, mother, mentor, therapist, or confessor--or she can be all of these at once. She's seen you at your worst and celebrates you at your best. Figuring out what it means to be friends is, in the end, no less than figuring out how we connect to other people.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Friendship, Feminism, Relationships, Womens, Linguistics

Audio CD

First published January 1, 2017

About the author

Deborah Tannen is best known as the author of You Just Don't Understand, which was on The New York Times Best Seller list for nearly four years years, including eight months as No. 1, and has been translated into 29 languages. It was also on best seller lists in Brazil, Canada, England, Germany, Holland, and Hong Kong. This is the book that brought gender differences in communication style to the forefront of public awareness. Her book Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work , a New York Times Business Best Seller, does for the workplace what the earlier book did for women and men talking at home. She has also made a training video, Talking 9 to 5. Her book, The Argument Culture, received the Common Ground Book Award. Her book, I Only Say This Because I Love You: Talking to Your Parents, Partner, Sibs, and Kids When You're All Adults, received a Books for a Better Life Award. Her latest book, You're Wearing THAT?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation, was recently published in paperback by Ballantine; it spent ten weeks on the New York Times Best Seller List after its initial publication in 2006.

Deborah Tannen is a frequent guest on television and radio news and information shows. In connection with You're Wearing THAT? she appeared on 20/20, Good Morning America, the Today Show, the Rachael Ray Talk Show, the CBS Early Show, and on NPR's Morning Edition and the Diane Rehm show. The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer, 48 Hours, CBS News, ABC World News Tonight, Oprah, CNN, Larry King, Hardball, Nightline, and NPR are among the major television and radio shows on which Dr. Tannen has appeared in connection with previous books. She has been featured in and written for most major newspapers and magazines including The New York Times, Newsweek, Time, USA Today, People, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.

Dr. Tannen has lectured all over the world. Her audiences have included corporations such as Corning, Chevron, Motorola, Rolm (Siemens), McKinsey and Co., and Delta, as well as the Board of Trustees of The Wharton School and a gathering of United States senators and their spouses. Combining the results of years of research and observation with videotaped real-life footage of office interaction, Dr. Tannen gives her audiences a new framework for understanding what happens in conversations both in the workplace and at home.

In addition to her linguistic research and writing, Dr. Tannen has published poetry, short stories, and personal essays. Her first play, "An Act of Devotion," is included in The Best American Short Plays: 1993-1994. It was produced, together with her play "Sisters," by Horizons Theatre in Arlington, Virginia in 1995.

Deborah Tannen is on the linguistics department faculty at Georgetown University, where she is one of only two in the College of Arts and Sciences who hold the distinguished rank of University Professor. She has been McGraw Distinguished Lecturer at Princeton University, and was a fellow at the Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences in Stanford, California, following a term in residence at the Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton, New Jersey. She has published twenty-one books and over 100 articles and is the recipient of five honorary doctorates. Dr. Tannen is a member of the PEN/Faulkner Foundation Board and the Board of Horizons Theatre.

Reviews

[Samantha · Rating 3 out of 5]

I've inadvertently been reading a lot of stuff, mostly fiction, about female friendships lately, so the timing of this release (and the fact that I'm a Tannen fan) was a sort of meant-to-be read for me. It's an accessible book and doesn't delve too far into any given subject, whether linguistic or sociological. Most women will likely nod their heads all the way through reading it, meaning, you aren't really going to learn anything new about female friendship - you've lived it, so you know it.

The book is largely filled with examples of friendships from Tannen's extensive interviews, with little room given to other analysis or research. Not a bad thing, necessarily, just makes it a light read. I found the social media chapter most interesting, perhaps because I'm one of those in-between millennial types who currently communicates most through texting, messaging, email, etc., but who also grew up with a second phone line and a time limit for talking on said phone (a TIME LIMIT, y'all. Are those even needed for today's kids?!). It's interesting to consider the in-depth, more nuanced conversation that was lost when we stopped talking for hours on the phone to each other. Texting doesn't allow for that same sort of daily recap session, which makes me wonder if close friendships are harder to cultivate now.

My close friends tend to be men, and while I understand that's not what the book is about, it would have been nice to read more about platonic friendships between straight women and men (she mostly covers straight women and gay men). The rest of it certainly took me back to a time when I did do the girl BFF thing, most of the time not very well. So, fair warning: as much as you'll see yourself in the positive examples Tannen provides, you'll also see yourself in the negative ones. Be prepared to identify with the betrayed and the betrayer.

I'm inclined to recommend Tannen's other books over this one, but it's still an enjoyable read that categorizes information you already know. At best, it'll make you think of friendships you've had or have and possibly provide some insight on how to navigate the imperfect ones better. At worst, it'll drag you too deeply into the emo sob-fest that was middle school, and you'll find yourself having to claw your way out and back to adulthood (which is mostly the same, but with less drama and more anxiety, heh).

[Lisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

I find this topic interesting and enjoyed an interview with the author on Lexicon Valley. Reading the anecdotes in this book got surprisingly tedious, though. For me, it was difficult to read an analysis of an area that is so familiar that insights often seemed obvious or self-evident (although of course the book is about how that isn't true for everyone in the same way!).

[Shane]

I think this is a great book to read with friends to be able to discuss it! Didn't super take a lot away from it though.

[Julia · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was very affirming for me. I don't feel like I learned anything I didn't know, but it clearly stated a lot of things I knew in the back of my mind and have experienced.

[Andria · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good reread for this stage in my life and current self-improvement projects. Cultural perceptions of gender have shifted a lot since the time of writing so I think it's probably not useful for everyone. But I learned a lot and was able to apply more this time with age and better self-awareness. A sociolinguistic breakdown of the elements and nuances of female conversation is exactly what my tragically rigid brain needs to understand why I sometimes miss people or feel missed by them. In that regard I found it very practical. Also reassuring to know that navigating these types of friendships is often a fraught process and I am not uniquely socially challenged in this area.

Original 2018 review below:

You've heard of FOMO (fear of missing out), but what about FOBLO (fear of being left out)? Or FOGKO (fear of getting kicked out)? Did you ever feel like a friend was poached from you, or that you had been cut off by one? Tannen has illuminated these and other sometimes critical aspects of friendship between women.

This was the first I had heard of Tannen and her work in sociolinguistics. I understand that most of her books about interpersonal communication and conversational style must be somewhat similar, but as an introduction to her work I was blown away. The focus is on friendships between women, a concept I have sometimes struggled with in my own life. Her conclusions, based on analysis of self-reported conversations between women were simultaneously reassuring and enlightening. I was surprised to find many of the conversational struggles I had run into with other women are more common than I might have anticipated. The best compliment I can give Tannen is that I frequently had to pause playback, prompted by some new insight to think of a friendship in my own life and how the concept had played out in the past. I came away with a better understanding of my own conversational style and how that impacts the conversations I have with people who may not share it.

Specific to the audio edition, Tannen read her own book and I thought she did an excellent job. Her voice is expressive and easy on the ears. I'm already planning on revisiting this at a later time in text with the hopes of retaining more.

[Amy K · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a feel good book for me. Reading through different dynamics of women's friendships through all age ranges made me reminisce over friendships throughout my life, many of which I am fortunate to have had and keep through the years. There are a lot of "phew, it isn't just me" moments, reminders on how others may processes my way of communicating and that not all women are as trusting of others or make or keep friends easily. I'd recommend this book, it is like reading a long article and a few pages a night is about all I could do, but its worth the read and I'd like to read more by this author.

[Cara Devine · Rating 4 out of 5]

I learned a lot. It made me reconsider some of the ways that I communicate or more appropriately fail to communicate and how/why problems ensue with friends you know and care about. Communication and understanding are ongoing challenges,especially with people we know and love very much. That challenge never changes.

[MBWP · Rating 2 out of 5]

Such an interesting title, such a boring ass book. It’s just a collection of tons of little stories (can you even call them that? More like reasons) about why women either became, stayed, or stopping being friends. That sounds a lot more interesting than what this book was. There were no conclusions drawn, there weren’t any overarching themes. I’m eager to discuss in book club because it DID make me think about my own friendships/how I show up in them, but also was just so so boring.

[C · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love to learn and love to practice the new ideas that I've learned. I appreciate that this book has taught me a lot, has taught me to be a better conversationalist with the women in my life (my gorgeous Vida Mía and my daughters), and a better person to the people in my life.

I regard reading this book akin to being an anthropologist visiting a foreign culture, that of women, learning their language, and understanding how their use of their language is so alien to me. It gives me an appreciation into how women relate to each other, and how I can try to relate to them better.

[Corey Frazier · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is highly informative on the complex and intimate experience that is female relationships. But that is where this book ends. I was hoping for more advice, ways in which to improve communication and to better relationships. Instead, this book feels like more of a cop-out, a book that makes you think, “holy cow, I’ve done/experienced this exact scenario” without actually providing ways in which to go forth and improve those relationships. Is this book jam packed with information and relatable content? Absolutely. Does this book equip readers with advice on how to move forward? No. Would I recommend this book to others? Maybe. I think this book is a great way to get the ball rolling with understanding communication patterns amongst women, so be prepared to do a lot of your own reflections with this one.

[KatieMc · Rating 4 out of 5]

A detailed deconstruction of the patterns and behaviors found in friendships of girls and women. The author, who has written several books on communication, comes to the topic with a linguistics background. She is able to identify and name styles of interaction and explain through many detailed examples. Some interesting terms/ideas discussed:

High Involvement
High Considerateness
Troubles Talk
Witches Coven
Social Media - all the rules of communication
complementary schismogenesis

I could say more, but I am planning on discussing this with a couple of friends. Maybe after that I will share more.

[LauraW · Rating 4 out of 5]

I started this book a long while ago, but I read multiple books at a time and it got buried under the onslaught. I have finally finished it and I would now love to recommend it to friends for discussion purposes. And, I may have to read it again, just to consolidate my own thoughts about friendship and talking. The book has given me insight into some of the successes and failures of my own attempts to talk with friends. I usually feel that I am pretty good at understanding what others are feeling, but that hubris may be a bit misplaced, especially with attempts to connect with people of different backgrounds and experiences. Recommended for people who are interested in the connections between linguistics, sociology, and psychology - or people who are interested in talking to friends. It is not just for women, but in my experience women talk in this manner much more than men do.

[Jan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Like she's done in her other books I've read, Deborah Tannen teaches and reveals important lessons in "You're the Only One I Can Tell." Terms, social contexts, personal examples, some overarching references to other books, and generous references to other researchers and authors make this well-organized book engaging from the first chapter through to the end. An added bonus? I listened to the audio of this while I was reading, and it was narratd by Deborah Tannen herself. I've spent about a week reading, rereading (or again listening to), and taking notes, yet I know this is a resource I will revisit numerous times.

[Simone · Rating 3 out of 5]

I saw this on the new books shelf at the library and picked it up, and it ended up being a pretty fast read. I think I thought this was going to be a slightly different kind of book, I didn't realize Tannen was a linguist when I picked up the book, so it then made sense that the book was about "the power of conversation" at a micro level. Still she covers a wide variety of issues and situations related to friendships (I'd say especially among women, but I lack a real comparison since I've never really been a part of a close male-male relationship) including the dreaded "cutoff." That is to say for every story I wasn't super into, there was another that really resonated.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Talk about a simple but powerful analysis. This book led me to re-evaluate my friendships in light of an understanding of indirect versus direct communication styles and cast many troublesome interactions in a new light. I love Dr. Tannen's work and although the analysis presented in this book wasn't particularly complex, it was extraordinarily useful and relevant. Also enjoyed learning the phrase 'complementary schismogenesis,' which is another useful tool for understanding why communication sometimes goes wrong.

[beth ann · Rating 3 out of 5]

i liked it and it sparked some interesting thoughts about female friendships but it seemed repetitive at times and i really wanted to hear more actual research. i am a psychology and communications major sooo that might be why i’m so critical of it but overall it was a well written book! very accessible

[Rosey Waters · Rating 4 out of 5]

I keep bringing this book up in conversations — perhaps because most of my relationships are with women 😂

[Danielle · Rating 4 out of 5]

A relatable look into friendships. Unscientific.

[Ellen Sears · Rating 3 out of 5]

friendship :)
i leave you with the following front bottoms lyrics: I wish we were forever lying on the Santa Monica beach, drinking Tecate 24oz underneath the stars, being the superior couple, loving who I am cause what we are

[Allison · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was fairly obvious and may actually create more anxiety for people who are already overthinkers or who are emotionally intelligent, sensitive people.

[Susie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I happened upon this book in a used bookstore at the right time. (Rather Irene did, thanks, Irene!)

My female friendships are extremely important to me. Yet I’ve been navigating confusing, at times awful, waters with some of my female friendships lately. (Not you, Irene!)

Why do certain things posted on social media get under my skin? Why do i feel so destroyed after mundane slights? Most importantly, why don’t some of my friendships feel more unconditional and reciprocal?

This book helped me understand some of that, and think about the long term ways women support each other. It’s linguistic and sociological, not really any kind of a guide, but this was an objective read during this confusing time in my life. It was, at times, very validating.

I think friendship is a subject more people could give some attention and care to in general.

[Eileen · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book did not flow for me. The author's profession may require endless detail, but it was very boring to read. Many years ago I had read the book, You Just Don't Understand. As a 20-year-old, some of the insights in that book helped me understand the differences between men and women's conversational styles. In this book, however, I'm older and wiser regarding friendships, (topic of this book.) I choose my friends on their similar interests, sense of humor, faithfulness, and other values. I couldn't be less concerned with small, competitiveness and cliquish behavior that this book describes. Life is too short for petty jealousies. I have many friends that fulfill many needs: there is no one perfect friend. I felt like her descriptions were aimed at people who just failed to grow up!

The only chapter that I felt was interesting were the way social media communication is interpreted via young and older users. Reminded me of when I was just learning how to text. My daughters said, "Quit shouting!" I have since been careful not to capitalize every word! Hahahaha.

[Tanyx · Rating 2 out of 5]

Well...
As an Aspergian, it made daily conversations clearer for me. It helps me understand that there are two, or three+ sides to a conversation, and that people have motivations that are not personally related to you, and they have reasons for not sharing them.
That was the first half. The second half got dull. One particular passage offended me, when she described an autistic person who had magnetic therapy to "cure" his autism. She described this offhandedly, to make a random point that understanding emotions does not bring people who are already close to you closer, but makes casual acquaintances closer. This seemed to me a callous use of a hot topic, and can't even explain that point thoroughly.
Hmm. Like the subject, not the book.

[Ben · Rating 2 out of 5]

I feel like this is a 2.5 book for me. The stuff I liked, I really, really liked and found interesting. Differences in conversational speech are real and lead to major misunderstandings. However, the rest of the book suffered from SO MANY examples, so many of them so similar I couldn't tell much difference, it began to get repetitive. I honestly struggled to finish it and felt like a lot of it could have just been condensed, maybe not a full length book. And half of the examples made me just think that women are idiots, not a message I like to come away from a book with, but man, there is a lot of vapid, stupid drama and even reading it summarized was a chore.

[Rq · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mostly fluff, and heresays and anecdotes of friendships some women the author read about in literature or known in real life.

Some parts sound extremely shallow observations, especially the social media part (which I understand, as the author did not grow up using social media).

The only interesting part was the one or two chapters about linguistical and conversation discussion part. For example,
High considerateness vs high involvement
Indirectness
Deaf vs hear style
Schismogenesis

Definitely does not need this whole book to write about it though. This book should have just been a long essay instead.

[D. B. Grace · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have a feeling that you only really need to read one Deborah Tannen book in your lifetime.

The good parts of this were rehashed from the more broadly applicable and more insightful That's Not What I Meant! The less good parts were stuff that you already know if you have ever been a female at any point. There was some odd stuff about social media norms at the end which, similarly, you already know if you have ever been on social media.

There were also a weird amount of anecdotes centering around ladies' bridge-playing groups for some reason?

[Serenity · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book detailing the way women communicate with a myriad of examples. I really liked this book. The content was not necessarily new information, but I liked feeling validated. I also liked that as I read it I thought of specific relationships I have had with women. The parts where she brought up experiences from queer women/ lesbians seemed forced. The book worked exclusively within the gender binary.

[Maria · Rating 1 out of 5]

Repetitive with Rambling. I had to force myself to read this book. It read more like a rough draft than a book. Tannen did not take the time to develop a coherent story line to match her thesis. There were often times where she tells similar stories over and over again. As a reader, I found these stories incredibly boring. Overall a horrible read.

[Kim · Rating 1 out of 5]

I gave up. She relies heavily on anecdotes, most of which are incredibly tedious, and her conclusions are completely lacking in any profundity. Beyond that, many of those conclusions are sexist and clearly not based on any modern research. This book seems more like something written 30 years ago than something written last year.

[Gretchen Keys · Rating 1 out of 5]

I really struggled with this one and patiently waited for solid suggestions on how to communicate with someone who has a different language style and how to repair conflicts that arise when two people have misunderstood each other. Alas, I will continue waiting.