Stephen Colbert's Midnight Confessions

by Stephen Colbert, The Staff of the Late Show, Sean Kelly (Illustrator)

Forgive him, father, for Stephen Colbert has sinned. He knew it was wrong at the time. But he went ahead and did it anyway. Now he's begging for forgiveness.

Based on his popular segment from The Late Show, Stephen Colbert and his team of writers now reveal his most shameful secrets to millions (although, actually, he'd like you not to tell anyone). Midnight Confessions is a collection of Stephen Colbert at his most brilliant and irreverent.

Genres: Humor, Nonfiction, Comedy, Audiobook, Adult, Memoir, Pop Culture

208 pages, Hardcover

First published September 5, 2017

About the author

Stephen Tyrone Colbert is an American comedian, satirist, actor, and writer known for his ironic style, particularly in his portrayal of uninformed opinion leaders and deadpan comedic delivery.
Colbert originally studied to be an actor, but became interested in improvisational theater when he met famed Second City director Del Close while attending Northwestern University. He first performed professionally as an understudy for Steve Carell at Second City Chicago; among his troupe mates were comedians Paul Dinello and Amy Sedaris, with whom he developed the critically-acclaimed sketch comedy series Exit 57.
Colbert also wrote and performed on the short-lived Dana Carvey Show before collaborating with Sedaris and Dinello again on the cult television series Strangers with Candy. He gained considerable attention for his role on the latter as closeted, gay history teacher Chuck Noblet. It was his work as a correspondent on Comedy Central's news-parody series The Daily Show, however, that first introduced him to a wide audience.
In 2005, he left The Daily Show to host a spin-off series, The Colbert Report. Following The Daily Show's news-parody concept, The Colbert Report styles itself as a parody of personality-driven political opinion shows such as Bill O'Reilly's The O'Reilly Factor. Since its debut, the series has been successful, establishing itself as one of Comedy Central's highest-rated series, earning Colbert three Emmy nominations and an invitation to perform as featured entertainer at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner in 2006. Colbert was named one of Time's 100 most influential people in 2006. His book, I Am America And So Can You was No. 1 on The New York Times Bestseller List.

Reviews

[Barbara · Rating 4 out of 5]

On Stephen Colbert's program, "The Late Show", he does a comedy sketch called "Stephen Colbert's Midnight Confessions." The host explains that he's Catholic - but doesn't always get to Church - so he'll cleanse his conscience by confessing to the audience.



Stephen's 'sins', of course, are hilarious. This is the written version of the skit, or - as Stephen explains it - the portable version.

The book, which can be read in a jiffy, is a lot of fun. To provide an idea of the contents, I'll note some jokes that made me laugh.

*****

"Yesterday I told a coworker she had the cutest baby. But really it was more of a 6."



"Sometimes when I go to a garage sale, I sneak in some of my own junk and run."



"I wear sunglasses on the subway so no one sees me peeking at their text messages. Actually, I lied. I don't ride the subway."



"If I sneeze and somebody doesn't say "Bless You", I aim the next sneeze toward them."



"Whenever I see a bowl of M&Ms at a party, I always toss in a couple of Skittles just to freak people out."



"One of the wise men in my Nativity scene broke, and instead of buying a new one, I replaced him with Lego Batman."



"When my kids were growing up, our house didn't have a fireplace. So I told them that Santa came out of the dryer."



"I don't say "Spoiler Alert" before giving away the ending to a movie.......or serving bad clams."



"They say there's no wrong way to eat a Reese's, but I'm thinking a whole bag while you're idling in the driveway is close."



"I think women look great in stiletto heels, but if I were a woman and a man asked me to wear them, I would murder him with my shoes."



"I know how to fold fitted sheets, but I will never tell my wife."



"I really want washboard abs.....but all I have is a fabric-softener ass."



And here are some gems submitted by Colbert's twitter fans:

"I went through a Dunkin Donuts drive thru and started talking to the garbage can instead of the speaker."



"Until the 6th grade I though lesbians were what you called people who lived in Libya."



"Sometimes I eat Jimmy Fallon's ice cream while I watch Stephen Colbert's show."



*****

If these quips amuse you, there are lots more in the book. And if you want even more, "Midnight Confessions" segments are available on YouTube.

You can follow my reviews at https://reviewsbybarbsaffer.blogspot....

[Jon Nakapalau · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nice rehash - quick read. Any fan will really like this book; I liked it much more than I thought I would. Stephen Colbert is one of the funniest guys out there - he always seems to see things in a way that you can relate to when you hear him explain the situation.

[Dave Schaafsma · Rating 2 out of 5]

Culled from a segment by the same name on Colbert's show. This was on a book display at my library as I was checking out so I picked it for the fam. As usual, instead of listing him as author, it is credited to By The Staff of the Late Show by Stephen Colbert. I'll share a few that made me smile, since if you live in the U.S. you will need a smile [skip to end of paragraph if you want to avoid brief political rant and go right to the jokes] after last night's passage of the "Tax Reform" bill gutting most of the "little people" in the country in favor of the very rich and corporations. Let Trump and the well-paid (by rich donors) Republican Senators "clear the swamp," "shake things up," and "make American great again," you say? As I said when he won only one year ago: Just you wait and see whose interests get served. Trump and his family stand to gain a billion dollars in one year in taxes, for instance.

Okay, Dave! Breathe. . .. To the one liners, some of which are mostly just ok:

"When I was in college I cheated in psychology, so now I'll never know what that says about me."

"I gave my kids a quarter every time they lost a tooth, but I was selling them for way more than that."

"I think that roller coaster riding is the most fun in the world. On the other hand, I've never tried crack."

See, they're just okay for a team of paid writers, right?

It also includes confessions back at ya from God:

"Sometimes when people pray to me, I just nod politely like I'm actually listening!"

I thought some of the viewer confessions via twitter were actually just as funny or finnier than the professional ones:

"Sometimes I make up words in order to sound more aproserial."

"Sometimes I think to myself, 'I know you're listening,' just in case someone can read my mind."

"Whenever ny cats meow at me, I always answer, "I know!" But it's a lie. I don't know. I don't have a clue."

Funnier, right? I rest my case.

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love him so much!! He is the reason I won’t spend the trump presidency drunk.

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a library processing clerk, I deal with a variety of books ALL DAY LONG. Truth be told, I didn't intend to read this entire book today while I was working, but when I peeked inside the cover, behind the confessional, I just kept going. Smiling and softly chuckling (so no one would know that I was reading while I should have been working) I just kept reading, and finished "Midnight Confessions" before I got behind in my other clerical assignments. I thoroughly enjoyed the book, especially the addition of the "Twitter Edition" confessions. So many people in this world are funny!! Thanks to THE STAFF OF THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT, this compilation will be a great addition for our library patrons, especially those who like to smile and even laugh out loud in the appropriate setting. :D

[Yoda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love Stephen Colbert so I didn´t really check what the book was about before buying it (I can´t even remember if I read the title) and was a bit surprised when I noticed its a collection of short funny sentences. Still I would´ve bought it again.

[Yoda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I like everything that´s funny.

[Petra · Rating 3 out of 5]

Standard disclaimer : I don't know if this is technically a book but I did enjoy it :)


So, pretty much what you'd expect. I love this segment on his show, though a book was unnecessary in my opinion. You can get a few chuckles out of it if you are bored but you can just look up the videos on youtube.

[Ruby · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book made me google all the Teletubbies names.

[Moonkiszt · Rating 4 out of 5]

Short and sweet, a perfect chaser between reads. This was a listen for me, not more than 40 minutes, drive into work.

4 stars is generous, but I laughed out loud all the way in. . . that counts for something!

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

Title: Midnight Confessions
Author: Stephen Colbert
Read by: Stephen Colbert
Publisher: Simon & Schuster Audio
Length: Approximately 35 minutes
Source: Simon & Schuster Audio Digital Review Copy – Thank-you!

I am a long time Stephen Colbert fan and I am also Catholic – is this the perfect book for me?

If you have never heard the midnight confessions bit on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, he “confesses” to things that are not actually sins, but that he may regret. They are quick and funny bits of humor. Organ music plays in the background, which sets the mood perfectly. Colbert has been plugging the book on this show in a humorous way and I was happy to be able to review it.

I’ll admit that on the show, I find the Midnight Confessions bit to be uneven. There are some funny lines, but others fall flat. Luckily in this audiobook, only the best lines are selected and it is a hilarious composite. The lines are actually just bits from the show so if you are looking for something new, you will be disappointed.

Stephen Colbert narrates the book which includes a new forward that goes with the book and then selected confessions from the actual show. I love Colbert’s voice and could listen to it all day. It made the book for me. The audiobook is very short – only 35 minutes!

Some of my favorite “confessions:”

“I have violent thoughts when people use the terms sci-fi and fantasy interchangeably.’Oh, I love science fiction. I just read Lord of the Rings.’ I will end you.”

“I have impure thoughts about the Land O'Lakes Butter Lady. But mostly about the butter.”

“I wouldn't hurt a fly. But when it comes to mosquitoes, I am one sick some of a bitch.”

“One of the wise men in my Nativity scene broke, and instead of buying a new one, I replaced him with Lego Batman.”

Overall, this is a quick and fun audiobook that will make you laugh on your daily commute.

This review was first posted on my blog at: https://lauragerold.blogspot.com/2017...

[Colona Public Library · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a hilarious book. It has such quick funny read. Everyone should just flip through it and get a couple of laughs. Every page was a laugh. I also enjoyed the last section of the book that included people's tweets with their confessions. You have to read every page!

~April

[Paris (kerbytejas) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Similar to the show - there are some good ones though. He also includes some from twitter.
The "paper book" version would be a good bathroom reader.

[Ahdom · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have never missed an episode of Colbert, so I knew pretty much all of these. Yet, it was fun to revisit. Also, I enjoyed this via audiobook, which added a cool element. I was basically listening to excerpts from the show. There is also a pretty funny introduction for the book. This is basically a money grab for him, and who could blame him?

[Kathy]

Funny.

[Sandra Lenahan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I know I will never get back the 15 to 20 minutes it took to read Stephen Colbert's newest book but I'm okay with that because he made me laugh- A LOT!

He starts it off with "Bless me, readers, for I have published. It's been five years since my last book." and closes with blank lined paper for readers to list their own midnight confessions.**

In between that auspicious beginning and his creative, if bland, ending are funny though sometimes cringe-worthy, often snarky, & definitely asinine confessions you would expect from Colbert and his Late Show writers. Props to the professionals but the true stars of this book are Stephen Colbert's twitter (@StephenAtHome) followers* who submitted their own #LateShowConfessions and had their tweets screen captured and printed in the book. Some of these were epic! My favorite is what you call people from Libya!!!!

So if you are a fan of Colbert, The Late Show, The Daily Show or enjoy reading ridiculous things this is the book for you.

*I am one of his faithful flock
**This totally only works if you actually OWN the copy in your hands-library patrons should not write in their borrowed copies, librarians frown on this form of free speech! FOR REAL

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Who does not love Stephen Colbert? This is a very short, quick read that will just bring tears to your eyes as you laugh out loud. Don't read in public, people will wonder. I loved it! He is simply AWESOME!

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kind of a funny read. This book reminds me of when Jimmy Fallon reads Tweets that have themes which is the only reason why I picked this book up at the library. Nothing much to say about this book... lol

[Lindsay · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is literally a book that is just some midnight confessions, which is one of my favorite segments on the show. Took 20 minutes to read but super funny.

[Candace · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyable, very very fast read. I think it's a bit of a cop-out to make a book of of these funny lines, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.

[These Violent Delights (Robin) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow, that was a quick and hilarious read. If you like Stephen Colbert, you'll love this.

[Janice M. Alberghene · Rating 4 out of 5]

Donate the Proceeds to Charity

This is book is hilarious. I will attribute it as a source whenever I insert one of its jokes into conversation only if I suspect an auditor knows the source. Mr. Colbert, sir, your humor helps me maintain my highly problematic version of sane. And sir, I was raised Catholic. Catholic with an aunt who was a nun. So if you have already committed your profits from this book to charity, forgive me for not giving the book five stars. If you don't plan on donating this book gets a three. Averages to four. Amazon, if this isn't a good enough review for you, you have no sense of humor and zero compassion.

[Westminster Library · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you like Stephen Colbert’s sense of humor, you will enjoy skimming through this book. Some very funny one liners are found inside. Most jokes are one per page so this is a speedy read unless stopping to laugh slows you down.

Quotes I liked from this book: “Confessing your sins is a great way to get things off your chest. Second only to waxing.”

Find Stephen Colbert's Midnight Confessions at the Westminster Public Library.

[Doug · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love Colbert and if it wasn't for his show, 45 would probably have induced me to either suicide or much stronger drugs by now. And 'Midnight Confessions' is always a highlight of his show - but many of these are just recycled from said show, so I already had heard them And since at least 50% of the fun is in Stephen's delivery - the book obviously lacks something. But as it takes about 15 minutes to 'read' - tops - it isn't a huge investment - as long as you get it from the library, like I did! Forgive me, Stephen!!

[Nicole · Rating 3 out of 5]

I confess that, although I enjoy Stephen Colbert on The Late Show (such wonderful snarkiness!), I didn’t want to spend $20 on this book; so I borrowed it from the library. A lot of it is amusing, and I laughed out loud at parts of it.

[Moonkiszt · Rating 4 out of 5]

A short and sweet listen, with lots of laughs. Hit after hit of Stephen Colbert's "confessions" taken from his shows over the years. A great break between reads. Not more than an hour, tops.

4 stars might be more than it deserves, but I was laughing out loud and that gets bonus points.

[Bettie]

As advertised on Late Night

[Michele · Rating 5 out of 5]

effing GOLD. Stephen is my kween.

[Ashley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some confessions made me laugh and some not so much.

[Dolly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fun, quick read that will appeal to fans of Stephen Colbert. The book is filled with frames of jokey confessions that are as much humor as they are commentary on society.

There's not much substance to it and I am glad that I didn't purchase the book, instead borrowing it from our local library.