Never Get Angry Again: The Foolproof Way to Stay Calm and in Control in Any Conversation or Situation

by David J. Lieberman

Never Get Angry Again is New York Times and internationally bestselling author David J. Lieberman's comprehensive, holistic look at the underlying emotional, physical, and spiritual causes of anger, and a practical guide to what the reader can do to gain perspective.

David J. Lieberman understands that a change in perspective is all that is needed to help keep from flying off the handle. In Never Get Angry Again, he reveals how to see anger through a comprehensive, holistic lens, illuminates the underlying emotional, spiritual, and physical components of anger, and gives the readers simple, practical tools to snuff out anger before it even occurs.

Take a deep breath and count to ten. Meditate. Visualize your happy place.

You’ve probably heard all of these anger management techniques and more from friends, family, and experts, but somehow they miss the mark when it comes to coping with the complex emotion of anger.

Let’s face it: if anger-management techniques were effective, you wouldn’t be reading this book. These clumsy attempts to maintain calmness are usually futile and sometimes emotionally draining. The fact is, either something bothers us (causing anxiety, frustration, or anger), or it doesn’t. A state of calm is better accomplished by not becoming agitated in the first place. When we fight the urge to blow up or melt down, we fight against our own nature.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Personal Development, Audiobook, Communication, Mental Health

240 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2018

About the author

David J. Lieberman, PhD, is a renowned psychotherapist and the author of eleven books, including the New York Times bestsellers Get Anyone to Do Anything and Never Be Lied to Again. He has trained personnel in the U.S. military, the FBI, the CIA, and the NSA, and his instructional video is mandatory for psychological operations graduates.

He teaches government negotiators, mental health professionals, and Fortune 100 executives, and has appeared as a guest on more than 300 television and radio programs, including the Today show, NPR, and The View.

Reviews

[Em · Rating 1 out of 5]

I don't understand the other reviewers who praise the way this book is written. It is very slow and repetitive, and it uses multiple metaphors in one paragraph when none would do.

I was already becoming turned off when the book started talking about "mazel" and how all the challenging situations in your life are your destiny because they're needed for your development, and then I hit the super-religious chapter about trusting in God... I'm sure that is useful to some readers, but not to me. There's no magical force of fate that deliberately matches you up with challenges designed to promote your personal development, and I don't believe in a higher being so there's nothing there to trust.

Actually, speaking of trust, I should have trusted the wariness I felt upon reading the "black-and-white-thinking" title. *Never* get angry again? Anger is a normal human emotion. It's not wrong to feel angry. Some of the ways people may deal with it are not desirable, but it's impossible for any emotionally-balanced, healthy human to *never* feel anger. Any book that promises such a thing is unrealistic.

[Noor G. · Rating 2 out of 5]

The religious aspects of this book are not relatable. I feel mislead as the first part of the book didn’t reveal that this book would rely on heavily on God, the soul, and the Bible.

[Ms Brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

Call me snob, but I only read books that received a starred review from Library Journal. I’m much too busy to waste my time on fluffy titles and the Journal is as objective as you can get. So I was thrilled to see a new book by David Lieberman. I always lean with logic over emotions. That’s why I buy Lieberman’s books. The psychology is always spot-on and clear, and the advise is PRACTICAL. You can actually use it because it works! This is all-too- rare these days with self-help books. So, imagine my reaction when I read in the book flap that he takes a “holistic” approach. Argh! But no! He balances beautifully, spirituality with psychology and stays religion-neutral throughout. I help to coordinate several 12- Step Programs and found some pleasantly striking similarities between the 12 Steps and Lieberman’s approach. Never Get Angry Again is a life-transforming book that goes right to the core of anger. He writes:

Through a comprehensive, holistic lens, we reveal and illuminate the causes and components of anger. These often include the gaping hole in our self-esteem due to a rotten (chaotic or traumatic) childhood, failing or failed relationships with those important to us, or living a life that lacks any real passion and joy—all fueled by an undercurrent of resentment as we wonder, where is God in all of this? Life is unfair, so either He’s not in charge, He doesn’t care, or He simply hates me. Not exactly self-esteem boosters or anger reducers.”

This book makes a wonderful companion to anyone in any of these programs. The books also has his usual dashes of humor that make it lighter to read, as well. I very highly recommend it!

[Liilaa · Rating 1 out of 5]

All I can say is that this was boring and made me furious.

[Brad Carl · Rating 5 out of 5]

I reserve the right to take my rating down to 4 Stars if I ever get angry again.

[Keri · Rating 2 out of 5]

The first 30 pages and the last 50 are interesting and helpful. Sadly, the middle 120 are shallow, trite, and often only loosely connected to anger.

[Sarah · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF. It’s an interesting topic but nothing on book jacket mentions the only way to never be angry is to believe in the authors god. Hard pass.

[Goodness Mfonido · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you wonder what it could look like to merge Psychology with Rocket Science, this could be it. Dr Lieberman provides a guidebook to understanding our negative emotions, whether it is isolation, helplessness, or old painful events. This is a book that everyone can find something helpful inside of. I HIGHLY recommend this book.

[Kyle Nicholas · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book made me angry just by repeating the term "self-esteem" over and over. People have too much self-esteem, which is why they get angry all the time. They all think they're better than everyone else, and that self-righteousness allows people permission to attack others. Give this guide book for complete idiots a pass or use as toilet paper.

[Inessa · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book had some key points to controlling anger which I’ll list below:

1) Make a goal and track it. If you’re angry most of the day try starting with ten minutes to not react and stay calm -then write about how you felt. No one ever says, “I wish I got angry” or “I wish I stayed angry longer.” Also, sharing your goal with someone to keep you accountable helps.

2) Anger is tied into fear and control. You get surprised but a bit angry if someone jumps out at work - this is fear/surprise and lack of control - but some things are out of control. Accept that and move on. If you do get angry, reflect on it and you’ll probably realize you’re being silly.

3) Be aware of your surroundings. Are there certain scenarios, locations or people that trigger you? Ask yourself why these occurrences upset you. How can you be more in control? If you cannot gain more control than start to accept the situation and prepare yourself before things happen.

4) Mental health practices: exercise, gratitude journals, meditation and breathing exercises will lead to less stress and less “being on edge”.

Unfortunately, these four tips were found in the last 20 pages of the book. The book was very repetitive in regards to loving and trusting God and things will work out and then “you must love yourself first to accept others.” Super cliché and ineffective.

Overall, a solid 1.5 stars as the tips I enjoyed are quite obvious to help in any situation that involves struggle. Live in the now, take care of your mental health and learn to let go what is out of your control.

[Gene · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author is a gifted writer who makes self-help enjoyable to read. The prose lifts of the page which is a huge plus because you just want to read more and more. By the time i finished reading the book, I felt differently about my life, my past, my mother (that's huge!) More compassionate about everyone, especially the compassion I feel towards myself. This book highly recommended for anyone who is holding on to anger and resentment and you don't even have to apply the strategies because just reading about the root of your anger and the fears that its built on, causes it to somehow dissolve. Freaky, actually. But life changing, for sure.

[Susan MacKenzie · Rating 5 out of 5]

My teenage son has had anger and rage issues since he was young and we tried everything from therapy to medication to meditation. Thankfully, over time, everything together has helped him to some extent, but I was not prepared for what happened from this simple $15 book. I bought it to help me to understand him and before I even finished it, he picked it in the kitchen and disappeared into his room for the night. That was the last night "old Billy" ever came out. That was four months ago. I am shaking as I'm writing this because I just pray that it continues. For now, I'm one grateful mom.

[Bookworm · Rating 5 out of 5]

Authors take note, this is how a book should be written. Fluff-free. Clear. Concise. The studies are understandable and the techniques are practical and easy-to-use. I am betting that this book will become an instant classic in the self-help genre and certainly the go-to book in anger management. Library Journal has it right when they gave this book a starred review. Bravo!

[Michel · Rating 2 out of 5]

I got the audio book. While this book seems to come up as the reference/classic on anger management, it is overdue for a thorough update and should not be elevated to reference/classic status anymore. While some of it is insightful, there is also a lot of it which is moralistic and it relies way too much on a lot of debunked pop-psychology from the 19th and 20th century. I also didn’t feel like it was particularly actionable. I think the mixture of good and bad science in the book is dangerous, it may encourage people to ne more judgmental towards themselves and others than they should. There’s got to be a better, more rigorous treaty on anger...

[Theresa Stroup · Rating 1 out of 5]

While Lieberman made a couple of interesting points the rest of this book actually made me angry. This book seems to be written by someone who likes the sound of their own voice... he rambles aimlessly, he keeps circling back and repeating himself, and of course he just randomly throws God into the mix for a few minutes... this book definitely left me disappointed!!

[Steph · Rating 1 out of 5]

Nope! 👎 The general gist is “be a Christian, forgive all”. Thanks but that’s pretty well covered in the bible and doesn’t take account of the realities of trauma, mental illness, or fields like my own - politics - where it’s naive to assume that people have good intent. Did not finish.

[Cav · Rating 2 out of 5]

"Let’s face it, if anger-management techniques were effective, you wouldn’t be reading this book. You’ve probably tried it all: positive self-talk, punching a pillow, and reminding yourself that no good will come from getting angry. But the next time you feel your blood boiling or you start to fly into a blind range, see how well counting to ten works for you..."

Never Get Angry Again was not really what I expected. The book is more of a philosophical examination than a practical guide, although near the end, the book does touch on some practical advice. The book is my second from the author, after his 2016 book: Mindreader: The New Science of Deciphering What People Really Think, What They Really Want, and Who They Really Are, which I liked far more than this one.

Author David J. Lieberman, PhD, is a psychotherapist and the writer of eleven books, including the New York Times bestsellers Get Anyone to Do Anything and Never Be Lied to Again. He has trained personnel in the U.S. military, the FBI, the CIA, and the NSA, and his instructional video is mandatory for psychological operations graduates.

David J. Lieberman:


The book opens with a fairly decent intro, and I was curious to see where the author would take the writing. Unfortunately, I did not really enjoy this one as much as I'd hoped to.

Lieberman drops this quote early on about the aim of the book:

"Metaphorically speaking, typical anger-management tools are akin to weed killer: You have to keep spraying all of the time, every time, to keep weeds from sprouting up—and no matter how vigilant you are, you’ll still miss plenty, and you are left exhausted. Never Get Angry Again explains how to pull up weeds by their roots by looking at reality—ourselves, our lives, and our relationships—with optimum perspective and emotional clarity.
Through a comprehensive, holistic lens, we reveal and illuminate the causes and components of anger. These often include the gaping hole in our self-esteem due to a rotten (chaotic or traumatic) childhood, failing or failed relationships with those important to us, or living a life that lacks any real passion and joy—all fueled by an undercurrent of resentment..."

Further to my above point, there is quite a lot of talk about the Freudian concept of the Ego. This may be a subjective thing, but extensive talk about Fruedian theory is just not my cup of tea...
There was also a chapter in here about "trusting in God" that didn't feel helpful, or resonate with me at all.

Also, the overall tone of the writing here makes it sound like the book was written in the early 50s.
I feel that the narrative lacking in both continuity and flow. Despite its short length, I found my fickle attention wandering numerous times.

********************

Never Get Angry Again was not what I expected, and a bit of a disappointment.
2.5 stars.

[Brooke · Rating 3 out of 5]

I mostly just skimmed this book. I usually get physical copies of self help books. Maybe it’s my fault, but there was a lot of God and Christianity reference, did not know this book centered around god. Which isn’t a bad thing, but would’ve liked to be informed.

[Maitha · Rating 2 out of 5]

2/5 ⭐
DNF at 56%

Really slow and repetitive, okay we get it.. we should resolve our issues that caused our anger, thanks!

[Emma · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a useful book that can essentially be summed up as "have low expectations and you'll never get p***ed." It gets very religious in chapers 11-13 so skip those if you're like me and found it trite and just simply annoying. If you're into that, probably not enough, or specific enough to keep you interested. Go read the book of Solomon and you'll get the same info, because that's basically where all the quotes originate.

If you've never read anything in the CBT or emotional IQ genre this is a good text to begin with but I wouldn't recommend it to someone in the field unless you are researching books for clients. If you've read Cal Newport Deep Work you can skip the last third of the book as it's the same (even uses the marshmallow experiment) neuroscience as presented there. Not mad I read it (see what I did there), but overall I'd say just skip this one if you're well read in the genre.

Sum up.
1. "People never do exactly what we want them to, so stop expecting them too, and you won't get upset with them."
2. Has some religiosity that I found annoying. Mostly in chs. 11-13. But threaded throughout the book.
3. Read Cal Newport if you want the same brain science presented in a more interesting format.

[Michael Sypes · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not limited to anger issues, this book offers good insight into controlling your reactions and approaching the world in a positive manner. There's not just philosophical expositions, but a decent amount of practical advice, such as some basic meditation exercises.
On the flip side, I didn't find a lot specific to "my brand of personal anger." I get angry at situations, things, while the book's focus is almost entirely on personal relationships related to anger issues. However, in the end, this book was better than most because it was easy to see that the recommendations would help someone in a broad spectrum of cases.

[Simon C. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Outstandingly brilliant. Lieberman brings something new to the table with each book and this one is no exception. It helped me to truly understand my anger and myself. I can’t say I’m in an entirely new person, but certainly a much, MUCH better version of the old one.

[Frank Stangaloni · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so awesome. I heard about it on the radio and the author sounded like he really knows his stuff and indeed he does. The book is clear and methodical and has helped me in a huge way. A must read for every human being.

[Hippie Critical · Rating 2 out of 5]

I liked the central concept, which was that a person who is content and satisfied with life and doesn't let their ego get in the way of happiness doesn't get angry at others. But all the Jesus stuff detracted from what I thought was a secular book.

[Igor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it! Content and topics didn’t wander.

[Piyush Sakorikar · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nice one
One time read only

[nini]

I got angry reading this book

[Fiza Pathan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have always had anger issues but I used to manage myself somehow. During the pandemic however, my anger issues grew worse till the point where I noticed that every Monday evening was the time I would let out steam. That is why I decided to read some anger management literature to improve my situation. I'm glad I happened upon David Lieberman's 'Never Get Angry Again' because it has really changed me as a person, making me more rational, seeing situations in perspective as well as making me grateful for the many good things in my life. I think where Anger Management is concerned, especially for people like me who are leading very hectic workday as well as work night situations, this book is an essential. I love the way Lieberman comes to the point without too much of science jargon & actually seeks to put the tools out there in the book to help the reader. The book does not beat around the bush at all & certainly hits the nail on the head. It is organized mainly into two parts, the theory is first then the practical & I highly recommend that the reader should not skip the theory just to head to the practical. Once you read this book, realize the context of various people & situations that generate anger as well as learn how one should not let the 'ego' part of our psychology dictate its terms to us, then it is possible that you will never get angry ever again. I certainly ever since I've been putting the tools in this book to use have not felt angry for the past 3 weeks, & that is a real miracle for me; a person who has always been angry when under work pressure. I am quite sure that the pointers given in this book, especially the breathing exercises, journal entries as well as the gratitude collage has really helped me become a better person in the past 3 weeks. This book was great therapy & was an easy & soothing read. David j. Lieberman gets full 5 stars from me !

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was so conflicted about this book. At times it seemed overly simplistic, and the reader for the audio version seemed so condescending and patronizing. And yet...
I found the actual information helpful and useful. So I guess my advice is read this with your eyes instead of with your ears.

[Carol Jones-Campbell · Rating 4 out of 5]

What if, instead of trying to manage anger, we just never got angry?

While the question may seem to contradict human nature and maybe even seem like an unrealistic proposition, what makes the difference, David J. Lieberman says, is perspective.

In his new book, Never Get Angry Again: The Foolproof Way To Stay Calm and Cool In Any Conversation or Situation, Lieberman, who is also the author of Get Anyone To Do Anything and Never Be Lied To Again, explains that by recognizing the underlying reasons we get angry, we can learn how to utilize our innate neuroplasticity to rewire our brains toward a state of calm.

At any given time, there are multiple forces placed upon us. We desire comfort and pleasure, the approval of our peers, and to feel good about ourselves at the end of the day. How we answer these competing demands plays a large role in the level of anger we feel.

Lieberman writes, “When we routinely succumb to immediate gratification or live to protect and project an image, we become angry with ourselves and ultimately feel empty inside.”

When, through our choices and life decisions, we don’t like who we have become, we often seek to escape our feelings through excessive behaviors, endless entertainment, and even abusive behaviors. Eventually, as Lieberman writes, “our willingness to endure short-term pain for long-term gain wanes.”

Irresponsible behavior and the underlying feelings of guilt, insecurity, and shame also cause us to compensate, often placing our own defects elsewhere. Lieberman writes, “To the degree that we refuse to accept the truth about ourselves and our lives — and overcome our laziness and fear of pain — the ego engages to protect us and it shift the blame elsewhere.”

The gaping hole between reality and our contrived reality then interferes with our adjustment to the world around us.
The emotional instability that drives anger is, at its core, a fundamental lack of clarity. “The wider the chasm between the truth and our ability to accept it, the more fragile our emotional health becomes,” writes Lieberman.

Our need for reality to conform to our self-image comes at a psychological and physiological price. Cognitive dissonance, the tension that arises from holding two contradictory positions at once, causes the reasoning areas of our brain to shut down and forces us to edit the world around us to avoid threats to our ego.

Lieberman writes, “We hide behind a carefully crafted façade, and the identity that we build to shield ourselves soon becomes a shell encasing us. Over time, we fall into a hellish gap of unrealized potential, our true self weakens, and we feel hollow inside.”

Focusing on our own pain and on how difficult life is for us is a predictable recipe for anger and one that keeps us from truly connecting with others. Lieberman writes, “Parenthetically, the ease with which we rise above our own problems and shift attention to the welfare of another is a reliable marker of emotional health.”

When we can separate our needs for approval, respect, and admiration, we are free to choose our own reality. “When someone acts rudely toward us, it doesn’t mean anything. This person’s words or deeds cause us to feel bad about ourselves because of our self-image,” writes Lieberman.

It is often our beliefs about others behaviors and what they mean that drive our anger. We may conclude that we are not worthy of love and fear being rejected and alone.

The result is the feeling of shame. Lieberman writes, “Shame is our conscious, the voice of the soul that says, I am less because of my actions; it is the painful belief that our behavior makes us unworthy of love and undeserving of acceptance — and by extension, all that we love is neither safe nor secure.”

By acting responsibly, we build the self esteem that gives us the strength to delay gratification, tolerate discomfort, live in accordance with the soul, find meaning in adversity, have faith that things will work out as they should, live productively, and follow a path that is not paved with circumstances, but rather, our response to those circumstances.

Self-acceptance can also transform our perspectives on the past, learn to forgive, live authentically and chose to respond calmly irrespective of our own or other's emotional states.
What if, instead of trying to manage anger, we just never got angry?

While the question may seem to contradict human nature and maybe even seem like an unrealistic proposition, what makes the difference, David J. Lieberman says, is perspective.

In his new book, Never Get Angry Again: The Foolproof Way To Stay Calm and Cool In Any Conversation or Situation, Lieberman, who is also the author of Get Anyone To Do Anything and Never Be Lied To Again, explains that by recognizing the underlying reasons we get angry, we can learn how to utilize our innate neuroplasticity to rewire our brains toward a state of calm.

At any given time, there are multiple forces placed upon us. We desire comfort and pleasure, the approval of our peers, and to feel good about ourselves at the end of the day. How we answer these competing demands plays a large role in the level of anger we feel.

Lieberman writes, “When we routinely succumb to immediate gratification or live to protect and project an image, we become angry with ourselves and ultimately feel empty inside.”

When, through our choices and life decisions, we don’t like who we have become, we often seek to escape our feelings through excessive behaviors, endless entertainment, and even abusive behaviors. Eventually, as Lieberman writes, “our willingness to endure short-term pain for long-term gain wanes.”

Irresponsible behavior and the underlying feelings of guilt, insecurity, and shame also cause us to compensate, often placing our own defects elsewhere. Lieberman writes, “To the degree that we refuse to accept the truth about ourselves and our lives — and overcome our laziness and fear of pain — the ego engages to protect us and it shift the blame elsewhere.”

The gaping hole between reality and our contrived reality then interferes with our adjustment to the world around us.
The emotional instability that drives anger is, at its core, a fundamental lack of clarity. “The wider the chasm between the truth and our ability to accept it, the more fragile our emotional health becomes,” writes Lieberman.

Our need for reality to conform to our self-image comes at a psychological and physiological price. Cognitive dissonance, the tension that arises from holding two contradictory positions at once, causes the reasoning areas of our brain to shut down and forces us to edit the world around us to avoid threats to our ego.

Lieberman writes, “We hide behind a carefully crafted façade, and the identity that we build to shield ourselves soon becomes a shell encasing us. Over time, we fall into a hellish gap of unrealized potential, our true self weakens, and we feel hollow inside.”

Focusing on our own pain and on how difficult life is for us is a predictable recipe for anger and one that keeps us from truly connecting with others. Lieberman writes, “Parenthetically, the ease with which we rise above our own problems and shift attention to the welfare of another is a reliable marker of emotional health.”

When we can separate our needs for approval, respect, and admiration, we are free to choose our own reality. “When someone acts rudely toward us, it doesn’t mean anything. This person’s words or deeds cause us to feel bad about ourselves because of our self-image,” writes Lieberman.

It is often our beliefs about others behaviors and what they mean that drive our anger. We may conclude that we are not worthy of love and fear being rejected and alone.

The result is the feeling of shame. Lieberman writes, “Shame is our conscious, the voice of the soul that says, I am less because of my actions; it is the painful belief that our behavior makes us unworthy of love and undeserving of acceptance — and by extension, all that we love is neither safe nor secure.”

By acting responsibly, we build the self esteem that gives us the strength to delay gratification, tolerate discomfort, live in accordance with the soul, find meaning in adversity, have faith that things will work out as they should, live productively, and follow a path that is not paved with circumstances, but rather, our response to those circumstances.

Self-acceptance can also transform our perspectives on the past, learn to forgive, live authentically and chose to respond calmly irrespective of our own or other's emotional states.

One of the points that Liberman put out that I really liked were 5 steps that were most useful in dealing with anger:

1. Humility and respect, 2) Be accountable. 3) Sincerely apologize to get forgiveness
4) Accept and offer consequences if needed, 5) How to love being alive. That really capped the
book for me. Highly recommend.