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Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself
Are You Too Nice? If you find it hard to be assertive, directly ask for what you want, or say "no" to others, then you just might be suffering from too much niceness. In this controversial book, world-renowned confidence expert, Dr. Aziz Gazipura, takes an incisive look at the concept of nice. Through his typical style, Dr. Aziz uses engaging stories, humor, and disarming vulnerability to cut through the nice conditioning and liberate the most bold, expressive, authentic version of you. You'll discover how => Easily say "no" when you want to and need to. => Confidently and effectively ask for what you want. => Speak up more freely in all your relationships. => Eliminate feelings of guilt, anxiety, and worry about what others will think.
507 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2017
5901 people are currently reading
19236 people want to read
About the author
Aziz Gazipura
19 books121 followersDr. Aziz is a clinical psychologist and one of the world's leading experts on social confidence. After being stuck in shyness and social anxiety himself for almost 10 years, he became determined to find a way to social freedom. Through thousands of hours of his own training, counseling, reading, group work, and coaching, he has truly mastered what it takes to break free from shyness and social anxiety into a life of confidence.
In 2011, Dr. Aziz started The Center For Social Confidence, which is dedicated to helping everyone break through their shyness and social anxiety. Through his unique blend of compassion, humor, and personal courage, Dr. Aziz has helped thousands of people all over the world increase their confidence. Through confidence coaching, audio and video programs, podcasts, a detailed blog, and intensive weekend workshops, Dr. Aziz lives out his mission: To help every person who is stuck in shyness liberate themselves to pursue the relationship, career, and life they have always dreamed of.
He lives in Portland, Oregon with his wife Candace and son Zaim (who he claims is the "most socially confident badass kid in the world.")
In 2011, Dr. Aziz started The Center For Social Confidence, which is dedicated to helping everyone break through their shyness and social anxiety. Through his unique blend of compassion, humor, and personal courage, Dr. Aziz has helped thousands of people all over the world increase their confidence. Through confidence coaching, audio and video programs, podcasts, a detailed blog, and intensive weekend workshops, Dr. Aziz lives out his mission: To help every person who is stuck in shyness liberate themselves to pursue the relationship, career, and life they have always dreamed of.
He lives in Portland, Oregon with his wife Candace and son Zaim (who he claims is the "most socially confident badass kid in the world.")
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 352 reviews
January 8, 2019
I'm going to fight my urge to be nice to critique this book. I will say the nice things first--I thought the exercises toward the beginning of the book were really useful and helpful. Especially the one about writing down all the rules that you've made for yourself that you feel bad about breaking and the one about trying to figure out exactly what you like and want. Ok. The not nice...
The book should have stopped after like 150 pages. It's so long and 2/3rds of it is recycled Tim Ferris (who I hate) and Tony Robbins and all the other douchebags who teach people how to be assholes and not do things they don't want to do. He gives an example here of a friend asking him to get together and him modeling his response which was that he cannot do that for the next 3 months. Total dick move. Sometimes--not always--you have to do things you don't want to do because that's what community and friendship and family involves. While it's important to not live a life that is filled with doing things other people want you to do and obviously people need boundaries, but people being generous to others and altruistic is sort of what differentiates good people from bad people. He seems to think that most people are being passive aggressive when they agree to do things they don't want to do or that they'll resent it. And I've definitely been there. But sometimes you do things that you don't want to do and you just tell yourself that you're doing it for the other person or for the team or for mentorship or whatever and it's fine. You don't get resentful. Anyway, the latter half of the book made me feel very NOT NICE toward the author
The book should have stopped after like 150 pages. It's so long and 2/3rds of it is recycled Tim Ferris (who I hate) and Tony Robbins and all the other douchebags who teach people how to be assholes and not do things they don't want to do. He gives an example here of a friend asking him to get together and him modeling his response which was that he cannot do that for the next 3 months. Total dick move. Sometimes--not always--you have to do things you don't want to do because that's what community and friendship and family involves. While it's important to not live a life that is filled with doing things other people want you to do and obviously people need boundaries, but people being generous to others and altruistic is sort of what differentiates good people from bad people. He seems to think that most people are being passive aggressive when they agree to do things they don't want to do or that they'll resent it. And I've definitely been there. But sometimes you do things that you don't want to do and you just tell yourself that you're doing it for the other person or for the team or for mentorship or whatever and it's fine. You don't get resentful. Anyway, the latter half of the book made me feel very NOT NICE toward the author
October 21, 2020
Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself by Dr Aziz Gazipura is a book about how we manage our interactions with the people we associate with throughout the day. As one can infer about the title, this is not a concise book. Gazipura frequently meanders around a topic for pages upon pages without reaching anything resembling a conclusion. There are numerous advertisements placed throughout the book for Gazipura’s other programs and books. Additionally, Gazipura's viewpoints on personal relationships are skewed by his residence in a bizarre world where people directly pay for friendships; Gazipura's clients pay him for friendship through life coaching and he pays his personal trainer for friendship. Also, despite being a formally trained psychologist, Gazipura does not support his ideas with clinical research. Finally, the perspective of relationships presented by Not Nice is tarnished by the transient nature of Gazipura's client base which places a priority on maximizing immediate, albeit fleeting, benefits (and hence revenue) from relationships rather than the deep satisfaction, richness and joy that emerge from a long term friendships. There is a particularly relevant takeaway from Not Nice, however. You are not personally responsible for other people's emotions, particularly in the workplace. Don't give up on doing what you think is right, or best based on the emotional response that it might provoke in a single person. Not Nice is not the book for improving the long term outlook for your relationships and career objectives.
January 30, 2018
Some highlights in the kindle addition. Lots of good content, but sometimes I get bored with continuing. It's about taking everyday personal risks and honestly connecting, the opposite of pop culture.
“Politeness and diplomacy are responsible for more suffering and death than all the crimes of passion in history. Fuck politeness. Fuck diplomacy. Tell the truth.” - Brad Blanton, author of Radical Honesty
p. 29
Perhaps you play this old story again and again in your mind: The ones I like never like me back.
p. 35
Hesitation: You often wait for the “right thing” to say (and thus speak way less than you normally do).
p. 48
You’ll start to see that there is no threat in the disapproval of others, which allows you to relax in a deep and powerful way. You’ll also see that being in healthy relationships with others is not at all like walking on a tightrope. It’s actually more like a five-lane freeway. You can veer left, right, and all over the place, and still stay connected.
p. 57
At this point, any new pain or discomfort I feel, the first question I ask myself is, “what could be upsetting me in my life right now? What feelings might I not want to feel?” Then I start feeling emotions directly, and magically and consistently the pain subsides.
p. 108
[Aziz's] Rights:
I have the right to approach anyone I want to start a conversation with.
I have the right to change the subject or end the conversation whenever I would like.
I have the right to insert myself into a conversation and interrupt someone who’s speaking.
I have the right to say “no” to anything I don’t want to do, for any reason, without needing to justify it or give an excuse.
I have the right to ask for what I want.
I have the right to ask why and negotiate if someone initially says “no.”
I have the right to offer anything to anyone, any number of times (and they have the right to say no). I have the right to change my mind; I do not always need to be logical and consistent.
I have the right to ask questions whenever I’d like to know something.
I have the right to disagree with others (even if they know more about the subject than I do).
I have the right to share my perspective, even if someone might disagree or temporarily be uncomfortable.
I have the right to make mistakes, mess up, or otherwise not be perfect.
I have the right to not be responsible for others, including their feelings and problems.
I have the right to take time and space to be by myself, even if others would prefer my company.
I have the right not to have to anticipate others’ needs and wishes. If they have them, they can express them.
I have the right to say yes to having sex, to enjoy sex, and to pause during sex to have a conversation.
I have the right to be treated with respect.
I have the right to expect honesty and integrity from others.
I have the right to feel all of my feelings, including anger, grief, sadness, and fear.
I have the right to feel grief about something for as long as that grief persists.
I have the right to feel something or do something without needing to justify myself to others.
I have the right to feel angry at those I love, and to express it in a responsible manner.
I have the right to express my feelings assertively while respecting others.
I have the right to choose how much I want to see a friend or someone I’m dating, and end the relationship if it does not feel desirable to me.
p. 131
The good news is, even though it’s scary, boldness is always rewarded in the long run. Always.
p. 135
“I hear about your mom, and your brother, and your dad. I hear about everyone else and what they want. But I don’t hear much of you in the story. It’s like you’re a minor character, and your needs and wants don’t really count for much.”
p. 139
“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be someone who hates peaches.” - Dita Von Teese
p. 171
[Bag of Ones] 100 people and say “hi” to everybody, 99 would say “hi” back and one would coldly stare you down and say, “Oh… it’s you. What are you doing here?” Whenever we go to a new environment— a networking event, a conference, a party, a new job, or anywhere else where we’re putting ourselves out there— we imagine that one person. We may even go so far as to find the one person at that event that gives us that cold, negative response, and add them to our Bag of Ones.
p. 184
The core mindset of assertiveness is: My needs matter and so do yours. Let’s have a clear discussion about what we both want to see, what might work best for us both. Sometimes I will choose what serves me, even if it upsets you. And sometimes you will do something for yourself, even if I don’t like it.
p. 220
If you want to be a person who is taken seriously and seen as a leader both in business and socially, you must learn how to communicate with a tone of certainty. The good news is it’s not that hard. You don’t have to become smarter, gain twenty years of experience, or achieve anything else first. You can just start doing it now. Speaking with certainty is just a pattern of voice tone and body language.
p. 252
"In fact, the quality of your life depends on how many of these uncomfortable conversations you are willing to have."
p. 264
“Politeness and diplomacy are responsible for more suffering and death than all the crimes of passion in history. Fuck politeness. Fuck diplomacy. Tell the truth.” - Brad Blanton, author of Radical Honesty
p. 29
Perhaps you play this old story again and again in your mind: The ones I like never like me back.
p. 35
Hesitation: You often wait for the “right thing” to say (and thus speak way less than you normally do).
p. 48
You’ll start to see that there is no threat in the disapproval of others, which allows you to relax in a deep and powerful way. You’ll also see that being in healthy relationships with others is not at all like walking on a tightrope. It’s actually more like a five-lane freeway. You can veer left, right, and all over the place, and still stay connected.
p. 57
At this point, any new pain or discomfort I feel, the first question I ask myself is, “what could be upsetting me in my life right now? What feelings might I not want to feel?” Then I start feeling emotions directly, and magically and consistently the pain subsides.
p. 108
[Aziz's] Rights:
I have the right to approach anyone I want to start a conversation with.
I have the right to change the subject or end the conversation whenever I would like.
I have the right to insert myself into a conversation and interrupt someone who’s speaking.
I have the right to say “no” to anything I don’t want to do, for any reason, without needing to justify it or give an excuse.
I have the right to ask for what I want.
I have the right to ask why and negotiate if someone initially says “no.”
I have the right to offer anything to anyone, any number of times (and they have the right to say no). I have the right to change my mind; I do not always need to be logical and consistent.
I have the right to ask questions whenever I’d like to know something.
I have the right to disagree with others (even if they know more about the subject than I do).
I have the right to share my perspective, even if someone might disagree or temporarily be uncomfortable.
I have the right to make mistakes, mess up, or otherwise not be perfect.
I have the right to not be responsible for others, including their feelings and problems.
I have the right to take time and space to be by myself, even if others would prefer my company.
I have the right not to have to anticipate others’ needs and wishes. If they have them, they can express them.
I have the right to say yes to having sex, to enjoy sex, and to pause during sex to have a conversation.
I have the right to be treated with respect.
I have the right to expect honesty and integrity from others.
I have the right to feel all of my feelings, including anger, grief, sadness, and fear.
I have the right to feel grief about something for as long as that grief persists.
I have the right to feel something or do something without needing to justify myself to others.
I have the right to feel angry at those I love, and to express it in a responsible manner.
I have the right to express my feelings assertively while respecting others.
I have the right to choose how much I want to see a friend or someone I’m dating, and end the relationship if it does not feel desirable to me.
p. 131
The good news is, even though it’s scary, boldness is always rewarded in the long run. Always.
p. 135
“I hear about your mom, and your brother, and your dad. I hear about everyone else and what they want. But I don’t hear much of you in the story. It’s like you’re a minor character, and your needs and wants don’t really count for much.”
p. 139
“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be someone who hates peaches.” - Dita Von Teese
p. 171
[Bag of Ones] 100 people and say “hi” to everybody, 99 would say “hi” back and one would coldly stare you down and say, “Oh… it’s you. What are you doing here?” Whenever we go to a new environment— a networking event, a conference, a party, a new job, or anywhere else where we’re putting ourselves out there— we imagine that one person. We may even go so far as to find the one person at that event that gives us that cold, negative response, and add them to our Bag of Ones.
p. 184
The core mindset of assertiveness is: My needs matter and so do yours. Let’s have a clear discussion about what we both want to see, what might work best for us both. Sometimes I will choose what serves me, even if it upsets you. And sometimes you will do something for yourself, even if I don’t like it.
p. 220
If you want to be a person who is taken seriously and seen as a leader both in business and socially, you must learn how to communicate with a tone of certainty. The good news is it’s not that hard. You don’t have to become smarter, gain twenty years of experience, or achieve anything else first. You can just start doing it now. Speaking with certainty is just a pattern of voice tone and body language.
p. 252
"In fact, the quality of your life depends on how many of these uncomfortable conversations you are willing to have."
p. 264
April 9, 2021
I would have given this 3 stars and a more nuanced review but then I got to the part where he approaches a woman on her cell phone to ask her what she’s talking about. He did this as a dare/exercise in experiencing awkwardness. Honey, no. There are so many layers of why a man shouldn’t do this and it’s hard to imagine he’s not aware of them. Instead, his actions stated that his self-improvement was more important than her sense of safety. Context exists. You can choose to ignore it but that doesn’t make you bold and authentic; it makes you a bit of a jerk.
I eye-rolled at his stereotypical relationship advice about femininity and masculinity, where he advises the masculine partner to “take” and “own her.” His history in men’s groups really shines through and makes me cringe.
There’s a solid takeaway here for people who take on too much responsibility for the feelings of others, but I wonder if the advice within is really all that healthy. It’s based on (lengthy) personal experiences and anecdotes. You certainly might still get a lot from the book just by asking yourself questions as you listen, but I have a genuine question: Is there a book that provides the same self-reflection without the cringe? I’d be interested in that book.
If that book doesn’t exist, then my suggestion is to take this book a la carte. Glean meaning where you can and dispose of the rest. You might have a 3 or even 4 star experience that way, especially if you relate to the author more than I do.
I eye-rolled at his stereotypical relationship advice about femininity and masculinity, where he advises the masculine partner to “take” and “own her.” His history in men’s groups really shines through and makes me cringe.
There’s a solid takeaway here for people who take on too much responsibility for the feelings of others, but I wonder if the advice within is really all that healthy. It’s based on (lengthy) personal experiences and anecdotes. You certainly might still get a lot from the book just by asking yourself questions as you listen, but I have a genuine question: Is there a book that provides the same self-reflection without the cringe? I’d be interested in that book.
If that book doesn’t exist, then my suggestion is to take this book a la carte. Glean meaning where you can and dispose of the rest. You might have a 3 or even 4 star experience that way, especially if you relate to the author more than I do.
December 24, 2017
These books breed perfectionism and create angst.
Unless the whole world reads this book and follows it, its worth nothing. I think these books are idealist and totally unrealistic. Actions have consequences. You cannot do what you want all the time! I liked the first half but by the end I was rolling my eyes at the self righteous psycho babble that is rife these days. Be yourself or else!
Unless the whole world reads this book and follows it, its worth nothing. I think these books are idealist and totally unrealistic. Actions have consequences. You cannot do what you want all the time! I liked the first half but by the end I was rolling my eyes at the self righteous psycho babble that is rife these days. Be yourself or else!
August 20, 2022
okay listen, this book is not for everyone. and i'll admit it was too long, had some typos, and maybe just maybe had a bit of an obnoxious voice. (also it is embarrassing as hell to lug around and read in public!) however. i think this is probably the most life-changing book i've ever read in my whole life. not clickbait.
i picked up this book on a whim because i've been reading up on self-help books to help me work on myself, and this title appealed to me because i have a problem where i don't speak up. it's something that's plagued me for years, to the point where i get extreme anxiety anytime i have to start a conversation or ask someone for something (anything!). it's crippling and irrational but i know it had to come from somewhere. i wanted to know if this was something i could change about myself and also where it originated. i wasn't sure if this book would do anything for me, but i figured it couldn't hurt.
i'll admit i was a little skeptical because of this book's immense length...but literally from the first page i was hooked. like, put a fork in me i am done.
here's what this book is not: it isn't a miracle. it's not going to fix you or your life. it isn't an intellectual, research-filled data oriented book about psychology. it doesn't hold the secrets of the universe and it won't give you all the answers you're looking for. and it certainly isn't going to do all the work for you.
this book is a toolbox. more than that, it is a door. it is the door in a wall you built up so high for years and decades and now the only way out is through.
if you look past the fact that it's five hundred pages, it needed a better editor, and it was written by a man who definitely has more energy than i ever will, this book can change your life. i think i highlighted something on almost every page that resonated with me. i felt seen and heard in ways i didn't think were possible, especially from a self-help non-fiction book. it didn't feel generic, it felt like every example was plucked from my own life and spit out on the page.
i didn't realize until getting about halfway through this book that so much of my internal rulebook is full of lies. lies told to me by myself, by society, by my parents. i've been suffocated by my past selves and my past hurts and realizing all of this felt like waking up from a long sleep. through the authors words i started to piece together things about my life that i never would have realized otherwise. i have spent a large portion of my life worrying that i'm too selfish, but after reading this book i am now more fully aware that i'm not selfish enough. i just kept having realization after realization and even though i'm still trying to process everything, i feel so incredibly inspired and invigorated.
while this book is instructional — it offers a lot of exercises and action-steps to help you stop people pleasing, to speak up, and to be more authentically you — i think the most helpful part of it for me was the way it forced me to challenge my view of myself, my life, and my relationships. i journaled more while reading this than i have in literally years because i wanted to really engage with the material and i found so much hidden under the surface that i didn't even realize i was dealing with. more than that, with all the examples from the author's life, i felt like i could really make a change because he did that change first. he gave so much encouragement, so many kind words that i didn't know i needed to hear, and the combination of all of these things gave me the courage to really start changing myself and my life. (this sounds like an infomercial but i'm 100% serious yall!)
again, it isn't a miracle, i'm not suddenly Better. but this changed so much for me and i really truly cannot be more grateful for this book. it feels like a real concrete step in my healing process.
i would recommend this book if you feel stuck emotionally. if you feel like you've built up walls between yourself and the world and you desperately are trying to bring them down. if you just want someone to tell you it's gonna be okay. if you want to know how to make more friends or find a partner. if you want to learn more about who you are and who you want to be. if you are afraid. if you feel guilty. if you feel ashamed. if you can't speak up even though you desperately want to. if you're trying to find yourself. if you want to feel less alone. if you need help. again, this book is not for everybody and that's why i'm actually hesitant to tell you to read it...but know that it has helped me immensely and i will be revisiting it probably for the rest of my life.
i picked up this book on a whim because i've been reading up on self-help books to help me work on myself, and this title appealed to me because i have a problem where i don't speak up. it's something that's plagued me for years, to the point where i get extreme anxiety anytime i have to start a conversation or ask someone for something (anything!). it's crippling and irrational but i know it had to come from somewhere. i wanted to know if this was something i could change about myself and also where it originated. i wasn't sure if this book would do anything for me, but i figured it couldn't hurt.
i'll admit i was a little skeptical because of this book's immense length...but literally from the first page i was hooked. like, put a fork in me i am done.
here's what this book is not: it isn't a miracle. it's not going to fix you or your life. it isn't an intellectual, research-filled data oriented book about psychology. it doesn't hold the secrets of the universe and it won't give you all the answers you're looking for. and it certainly isn't going to do all the work for you.
this book is a toolbox. more than that, it is a door. it is the door in a wall you built up so high for years and decades and now the only way out is through.
if you look past the fact that it's five hundred pages, it needed a better editor, and it was written by a man who definitely has more energy than i ever will, this book can change your life. i think i highlighted something on almost every page that resonated with me. i felt seen and heard in ways i didn't think were possible, especially from a self-help non-fiction book. it didn't feel generic, it felt like every example was plucked from my own life and spit out on the page.
i didn't realize until getting about halfway through this book that so much of my internal rulebook is full of lies. lies told to me by myself, by society, by my parents. i've been suffocated by my past selves and my past hurts and realizing all of this felt like waking up from a long sleep. through the authors words i started to piece together things about my life that i never would have realized otherwise. i have spent a large portion of my life worrying that i'm too selfish, but after reading this book i am now more fully aware that i'm not selfish enough. i just kept having realization after realization and even though i'm still trying to process everything, i feel so incredibly inspired and invigorated.
while this book is instructional — it offers a lot of exercises and action-steps to help you stop people pleasing, to speak up, and to be more authentically you — i think the most helpful part of it for me was the way it forced me to challenge my view of myself, my life, and my relationships. i journaled more while reading this than i have in literally years because i wanted to really engage with the material and i found so much hidden under the surface that i didn't even realize i was dealing with. more than that, with all the examples from the author's life, i felt like i could really make a change because he did that change first. he gave so much encouragement, so many kind words that i didn't know i needed to hear, and the combination of all of these things gave me the courage to really start changing myself and my life. (this sounds like an infomercial but i'm 100% serious yall!)
again, it isn't a miracle, i'm not suddenly Better. but this changed so much for me and i really truly cannot be more grateful for this book. it feels like a real concrete step in my healing process.
i would recommend this book if you feel stuck emotionally. if you feel like you've built up walls between yourself and the world and you desperately are trying to bring them down. if you just want someone to tell you it's gonna be okay. if you want to know how to make more friends or find a partner. if you want to learn more about who you are and who you want to be. if you are afraid. if you feel guilty. if you feel ashamed. if you can't speak up even though you desperately want to. if you're trying to find yourself. if you want to feel less alone. if you need help. again, this book is not for everybody and that's why i'm actually hesitant to tell you to read it...but know that it has helped me immensely and i will be revisiting it probably for the rest of my life.
December 7, 2018
You know its gonna be a good review whenever you see "I USUALLY DONT LEAVE REVIEWS BUT..."
Well this is one of those.
How was this book?
Short answer: Life-changing
Long answer: I've struggled with people pleasing, anxiety, low self esteem, and stuttering my whole life. I wanted to please everyone. Say yes to everyone. Say yes to nobody. Everybody else came before me. Someone asks me to help them move? HOW could I POSSIBLE say no? Because if I say no, then they won't like me any more right?
This is such a poisonous mindset, and this book REALLY elaborates on that.
In the first chapter, he tells you that his goal is for you to eventually see the term "Nice guy" and think of that as a terrible disgusting thing that you would never ever want to be. His goal was definitely accomplished by the end of that book. I was the biggest nice-guy/push-over that I knew. Everywhere. Work, school, relationships, you name it.
I have been completely transformed.
I see the words "nice-guy" and it induces nausea and repulsion. Ok maybe not to that extent. But I definitely don't see "nice-guy" the same as I used to. Not at all.
I can honestly say without a doubt, that I am now the MOST assertive person I know, and I mean that with all the honesty in my heart. I feel powerful, in control, less anxious, happier, and I even stutter less lol.
This book gives you a new pair of eyes that you can never close. You see things you never saw before. You realize just how much people apologize for ANYTHING that doesn't warrant an apology.
Example #1:
-I accidentally brush up against someones shoulder while walking in a hallway-
Old me: Sorry about that
New me: *silence*
What the hell do I have to apologize about? I didn't do ANYTHING wrong.
Example #2:
-A friend asks me to help them move-
Old me: I would love to! and you know I would! its just [I am now lying...] its just I have to take care of this thing at 5pm and I can't push it back any further.. Man this sucks, because I totally would help you move, I just can't today.
New me: I'll pass actually, I'm tired and I really just wanted to relax today.
This is now how I actually respond to requests like this.
I never thought I could be capable of being so assertive, confident, and in control. I used to come across obviously assertive people and be jealous, even resentful toward them because I wished I could be like them. I wished I could have their confidence.
I now consider myself to be more assertive than the most assertive person I've ever met. Those people who I used to be jealous of? I don't consider them to be as assertive as I am now. My family and friends notice that radical change. I make saying no look easy.
And it is honestly VERY easy now. I now say no to people with no guilt. This book teaches you how to do that.
BUT WARNING:
The steps in becoming this way are VERY uncomfortable at first. Dr.Aziz gives you all the steps you need and outlines all the exercises for you, but you HAVE to do them in order to change. There's no other way. You can't just read this book and become transformed. Not gonna happen.
The only way to become the assertive person that you want to be is by DOING it. Follow the steps. They are SO UNCOMFORTABLE AT FIRST. But it really does get easier with time.
The first exercise, when I did it, I was so incredibly uncomfortable I wanted to hide lol. Now looking back, doing that exercise again seems effortless to me now.
But that's just the thing, you NEED to be willing to go through the discomfort. If you're not willing to do that, don't by this book. Honestly. But if you're willing to go through the discomfort, this book will absolutely change your life forever.
This book as made me incredibly assertive, REALLY spiked my confidence, lowered my anxiety, and even lessened my stuttering. And it goes away more and more every day.
If there is one thing in my entire life I could change, it would be reading this book much earlier in my life.
Well this is one of those.
How was this book?
Short answer: Life-changing
Long answer: I've struggled with people pleasing, anxiety, low self esteem, and stuttering my whole life. I wanted to please everyone. Say yes to everyone. Say yes to nobody. Everybody else came before me. Someone asks me to help them move? HOW could I POSSIBLE say no? Because if I say no, then they won't like me any more right?
This is such a poisonous mindset, and this book REALLY elaborates on that.
In the first chapter, he tells you that his goal is for you to eventually see the term "Nice guy" and think of that as a terrible disgusting thing that you would never ever want to be. His goal was definitely accomplished by the end of that book. I was the biggest nice-guy/push-over that I knew. Everywhere. Work, school, relationships, you name it.
I have been completely transformed.
I see the words "nice-guy" and it induces nausea and repulsion. Ok maybe not to that extent. But I definitely don't see "nice-guy" the same as I used to. Not at all.
I can honestly say without a doubt, that I am now the MOST assertive person I know, and I mean that with all the honesty in my heart. I feel powerful, in control, less anxious, happier, and I even stutter less lol.
This book gives you a new pair of eyes that you can never close. You see things you never saw before. You realize just how much people apologize for ANYTHING that doesn't warrant an apology.
Example #1:
-I accidentally brush up against someones shoulder while walking in a hallway-
Old me: Sorry about that
New me: *silence*
What the hell do I have to apologize about? I didn't do ANYTHING wrong.
Example #2:
-A friend asks me to help them move-
Old me: I would love to! and you know I would! its just [I am now lying...] its just I have to take care of this thing at 5pm and I can't push it back any further.. Man this sucks, because I totally would help you move, I just can't today.
New me: I'll pass actually, I'm tired and I really just wanted to relax today.
This is now how I actually respond to requests like this.
I never thought I could be capable of being so assertive, confident, and in control. I used to come across obviously assertive people and be jealous, even resentful toward them because I wished I could be like them. I wished I could have their confidence.
I now consider myself to be more assertive than the most assertive person I've ever met. Those people who I used to be jealous of? I don't consider them to be as assertive as I am now. My family and friends notice that radical change. I make saying no look easy.
And it is honestly VERY easy now. I now say no to people with no guilt. This book teaches you how to do that.
BUT WARNING:
The steps in becoming this way are VERY uncomfortable at first. Dr.Aziz gives you all the steps you need and outlines all the exercises for you, but you HAVE to do them in order to change. There's no other way. You can't just read this book and become transformed. Not gonna happen.
The only way to become the assertive person that you want to be is by DOING it. Follow the steps. They are SO UNCOMFORTABLE AT FIRST. But it really does get easier with time.
The first exercise, when I did it, I was so incredibly uncomfortable I wanted to hide lol. Now looking back, doing that exercise again seems effortless to me now.
But that's just the thing, you NEED to be willing to go through the discomfort. If you're not willing to do that, don't by this book. Honestly. But if you're willing to go through the discomfort, this book will absolutely change your life forever.
This book as made me incredibly assertive, REALLY spiked my confidence, lowered my anxiety, and even lessened my stuttering. And it goes away more and more every day.
If there is one thing in my entire life I could change, it would be reading this book much earlier in my life.
March 11, 2019
There were some good points in this book. However, it's way too long (the ridiculously long title should have been a clue). I like long books when there is enough good content, but this becomes very repetitive, and there are way too many long-winded personal stories and plugs for his other books and programs. I put the audiobook on 2x speed, and still couldn't make it through the last 1/3. I also think he takes his own advise too far. It's one thing to learn to be assertive and say no instead of being a resentful doormat. It's another thing to be a pompous asshole, which is how he comes across.
June 4, 2022
This book was absolutely eye opening. Not only did it have a lot of wisdom, but it also includes many action steps for how to apply its wisdom in every day life. The book deals with some personal and sometimes heavy truths. However, the conversational style and author’s humor make this book very easy to read and not overwhelming. I would recommend this book to anyone looking to upgrade their communication skills.
October 10, 2022
I sincerely began this book with excitement, but as I got through the first quarter of it, that excitement dwindle. Then I got to the halfway mark and I felt this book had dragged on too long already. I went a little bit further before deciding I was going to just move on.
In the spirit of the title for this book, I will be Not Nice, even though I really wanted to like this book.
The book isn't so much a psychological review of people pleasing behaviors and how it comes to be. Since I've already read some books about people pleasing, I didn't mind that it didn't talk much about how it is a coping mechanism from childhood stress and truama.
It seemed to focus more on how to overcome it so I kept going. However, while very small bits of the book I definitely feel like I will carry forward with me, overall the book was forgettable.
Especially because given how massive the book is, you'd think their would be some seriously deep analysis of the topics brought forward. Though really it's shallow and he tries to make it more relevant by talking about how so and so (some life coach) held a group and such and such place and there was a person in the group who shared a story about the topic he is talking about.
Now imagine reading that every few pages. The same format and everything. It was boring and I got tired of it. I could not focus on the book for very long. It's near impossible to sit and read this book for extended periods.
He tries to be funny, and I must admit it's not my humor. I can tell that if the author and I met we'd probably not vibe. Especially if he talks like he does in this book. He often mentions his other material (course or books), as if this book isn't already a lot. I'm not looking for coursework, I wanted a focused, deep analysis of people pleasing and how this author has helped other people overcome it.
When really you get a long book about his own personal journey. I normally wouldn't mind that because it is still a different experience than my own, but he doesn't talk much about how he's impacted his clients, and how they slowly changed. Just shallow stories. Stories about one off conversations. He doesn't focus very much on the, "how this person became the way they are" and then how they slowly became more "real", only focuses on how they had said one thing and somehow we are supposed to believe they changed after that one conversation.
He has a style of writing that I do not enjoy. He tries to sound motivating (think like Ted Talks), but it sounds as if he's saying, "If you don't do these things you'll never change". It's gimmicky and weird to read.
Hard would not recommend if you are looking for something analytical, deep, and nuanced.
In the spirit of the title for this book, I will be Not Nice, even though I really wanted to like this book.
The book isn't so much a psychological review of people pleasing behaviors and how it comes to be. Since I've already read some books about people pleasing, I didn't mind that it didn't talk much about how it is a coping mechanism from childhood stress and truama.
It seemed to focus more on how to overcome it so I kept going. However, while very small bits of the book I definitely feel like I will carry forward with me, overall the book was forgettable.
Especially because given how massive the book is, you'd think their would be some seriously deep analysis of the topics brought forward. Though really it's shallow and he tries to make it more relevant by talking about how so and so (some life coach) held a group and such and such place and there was a person in the group who shared a story about the topic he is talking about.
Now imagine reading that every few pages. The same format and everything. It was boring and I got tired of it. I could not focus on the book for very long. It's near impossible to sit and read this book for extended periods.
He tries to be funny, and I must admit it's not my humor. I can tell that if the author and I met we'd probably not vibe. Especially if he talks like he does in this book. He often mentions his other material (course or books), as if this book isn't already a lot. I'm not looking for coursework, I wanted a focused, deep analysis of people pleasing and how this author has helped other people overcome it.
When really you get a long book about his own personal journey. I normally wouldn't mind that because it is still a different experience than my own, but he doesn't talk much about how he's impacted his clients, and how they slowly changed. Just shallow stories. Stories about one off conversations. He doesn't focus very much on the, "how this person became the way they are" and then how they slowly became more "real", only focuses on how they had said one thing and somehow we are supposed to believe they changed after that one conversation.
He has a style of writing that I do not enjoy. He tries to sound motivating (think like Ted Talks), but it sounds as if he's saying, "If you don't do these things you'll never change". It's gimmicky and weird to read.
Hard would not recommend if you are looking for something analytical, deep, and nuanced.
November 16, 2019
The book could have been shorter - 250 page max. But since the author is inclined to share every details of this particular aspect as well as his family story, sometimes reader might get lost in this reading journey. The actual message almost got buried under the long rant ! Too much fluffs than the actual content !
November 21, 2018
At times, I got really excited about the ideas I was reading. At other times, he was monotonous and I had to skip ahead. There were also many moments of, "Okay, I get it, I already bought the book, you don't have to keep selling me on your point." But overall, I thought it was great and it's going to help me be more authentic and assertive.
April 8, 2020
The author is not engaging. I was under the impression that it would be more applicable to business scenarios but unfortunately the author kept ranting about dating and relationship issues.
December 7, 2022
a therapist I had literally 2 years ago recommended this to me and it took me that long to finish cause this book is such a honker.
I’m finally gonna call this one done. now I’m just on the 30-day action plan section which I’m gonna follow through with and report back on.
the concepts in this book were life changing for me. the writing was a bit cheesy and I was skeptical of some of the stuff he said about gender and psychosomatic illnesses, but I’ll let that be. you can tell he was trying at least.
as a person with a mother who is a perpetual people pleaser, I’ve had a lot to unlearn over the years. I can see the negative impact this had on me so I don’t want to repeat the cycle. it also feels a lot better to express yourself authentically rather than trying to keep everyone around you happy.
I’m finally gonna call this one done. now I’m just on the 30-day action plan section which I’m gonna follow through with and report back on.
the concepts in this book were life changing for me. the writing was a bit cheesy and I was skeptical of some of the stuff he said about gender and psychosomatic illnesses, but I’ll let that be. you can tell he was trying at least.
as a person with a mother who is a perpetual people pleaser, I’ve had a lot to unlearn over the years. I can see the negative impact this had on me so I don’t want to repeat the cycle. it also feels a lot better to express yourself authentically rather than trying to keep everyone around you happy.
January 21, 2024
Being on theme with the title, here is a not so nice review of this book.
It offered some good tips and practical pointers on how to approach both shadow-work and making lists of things that you want to change about yourself.
However, this book should have been shortened to 150 pages maximum because a lot of it was repetitive and the personal anecdotes were a bit excessive.
I also found the self-promotion of his classes and other books (as well as the promotion of the works of fellow colleagues) incredibly obnoxious because at one point it became a sentence that was just copy-pasted by the end of every chapter or any line he (the author) deemed substantial.
If time-travel were possible - I'd opt for the notes of this book rather than the book itself.
It offered some good tips and practical pointers on how to approach both shadow-work and making lists of things that you want to change about yourself.
However, this book should have been shortened to 150 pages maximum because a lot of it was repetitive and the personal anecdotes were a bit excessive.
I also found the self-promotion of his classes and other books (as well as the promotion of the works of fellow colleagues) incredibly obnoxious because at one point it became a sentence that was just copy-pasted by the end of every chapter or any line he (the author) deemed substantial.
If time-travel were possible - I'd opt for the notes of this book rather than the book itself.
January 17, 2021
This will not be your normal kind of review.
I had a habit of wanting to please others. From my immediate family to co-workers and bosses. I used to feel that it was best to remain quiet rather than speaking up on some matters. This book holds a lot of truth to it and I have applied a lot of what I read to get out of wanting to satisfy others only to have left myself unhappy. Some relationships are broken never to be repaired because I stopped trying to make them happy. And I am content with where we are because of the reality of this read.
I had a habit of wanting to please others. From my immediate family to co-workers and bosses. I used to feel that it was best to remain quiet rather than speaking up on some matters. This book holds a lot of truth to it and I have applied a lot of what I read to get out of wanting to satisfy others only to have left myself unhappy. Some relationships are broken never to be repaired because I stopped trying to make them happy. And I am content with where we are because of the reality of this read.
July 29, 2024
Started strong but quickly devolved into something too toxically 'male;' too much love for Tony Robbinson, using the 'alpha' male analogy... Other reviews point out he takes his advice too seriously to a point that doesn't cultivate community or relationships and I agree. the male who learns too much therapy talk and uses not for good. For a book that is read by a clinical psychologist who went to so many' renowned' programs, the book lacks any citation, alluding, or reference to actual clinical research. There are better books out there on this subject.
April 6, 2025
think I got everything I was going to get out of this book after the first 150 pages. definitely useful and making me think a lot about my own people pleasing issues, but fingering through the rest it looked a bit repetitive and about 200+ pages longer than it needed to be.
May 19, 2024
Ooooh good god, where to even start.
You know how they say to trust your gut? Do so, because he tells you that the warning signs you feel that something is very wrong and off here are just feelings of "discomfort" and tries to condition you to overcome them. It’s almost scary how we can brainwash ourselves into believing anything if we try. He also contradicts himself... being nice is to find diplomatic ways to say "no" when we have to, but that's exactly what he does in his examples and suggested dialogue, which is different from other parts of the book where he encourages a more direct and rude approach.
He also talks about his 3-year old a lot. Wait till he becomes a teenager and then the author will be subjected to the same behavior he's encouraging without even needing his book. He also encourages this behavior at work, claiming that it's OK because people won't immediately retaliate severely as we're afraid of. True, but misleading. They will remember that encounter as a datapoint.
And all those datapoints they collect won't impact you until, say, your next employee appraisal on being a team player.
He drips with disdain towards nice that if any of us behave nice towards him or any of his converts, you know they'll be thinking
"I'm glad I'm not like you anymore". How creepy. No thanks.
We'll just stay away from them and not volunteer to help if they need it, which is fine because they won't notice that we're doing that to them anyway. He also says if your new behavior kills the relationship then it's their fault. With logic like that, well duh no wonder people think his methods work. There are many genuinely caring people out there, but he encourages you to view people cynically as deciding whether they "approve" of you or not. I would have been OK if he was more objective and didn't take things to a toxic extreme. If he said there are some situations where it's better to speak out or push back and to list some common ones, that would have been fine (but then again that would fit neatly onto one webpage and he wouldn't sell so many books). He also gushes over Tony Robbins a lot which was kind of a turnoff. I guess that's OK if you're a fan, but I'm not.
You know how they say to trust your gut? Do so, because he tells you that the warning signs you feel that something is very wrong and off here are just feelings of "discomfort" and tries to condition you to overcome them. It’s almost scary how we can brainwash ourselves into believing anything if we try. He also contradicts himself... being nice is to find diplomatic ways to say "no" when we have to, but that's exactly what he does in his examples and suggested dialogue, which is different from other parts of the book where he encourages a more direct and rude approach.
He also talks about his 3-year old a lot. Wait till he becomes a teenager and then the author will be subjected to the same behavior he's encouraging without even needing his book. He also encourages this behavior at work, claiming that it's OK because people won't immediately retaliate severely as we're afraid of. True, but misleading. They will remember that encounter as a datapoint.
And all those datapoints they collect won't impact you until, say, your next employee appraisal on being a team player.
He drips with disdain towards nice that if any of us behave nice towards him or any of his converts, you know they'll be thinking
"I'm glad I'm not like you anymore". How creepy. No thanks.
We'll just stay away from them and not volunteer to help if they need it, which is fine because they won't notice that we're doing that to them anyway. He also says if your new behavior kills the relationship then it's their fault. With logic like that, well duh no wonder people think his methods work. There are many genuinely caring people out there, but he encourages you to view people cynically as deciding whether they "approve" of you or not. I would have been OK if he was more objective and didn't take things to a toxic extreme. If he said there are some situations where it's better to speak out or push back and to list some common ones, that would have been fine (but then again that would fit neatly onto one webpage and he wouldn't sell so many books). He also gushes over Tony Robbins a lot which was kind of a turnoff. I guess that's OK if you're a fan, but I'm not.
July 23, 2021
A friend recommended this book to me and it was definitely a good one. For most of my life, I had been "conditioned" to be the "nice guy," always thinking it was better to just avoid conflicts whenever possible. After reading this book, my view of both myself and the world really changed. Rather than shy away from conflicts, we should embrace them. Rather than "cover up" how we're feeling, we should just let it out. We care way too much about what other people think of us. Honestly, it's more honest to be direct with your feelings; trying to cover up how you feel is manipulative.
After reading through the book once, I am able to understand its concepts. To put the concepts into practice, I will need to re-read some chapters again. The examples and exercises in the book were excellent, easy to complete, meaningful, and easy to relate to. However, I am not going to lie, this was a long book. I'm not sure if it could have been trimmed, but I definitely was clicking kind of fast through some of the pages while reading on my iPad. Some of the explanations were a bit repetitive. I think saying it once and letting it sink in would be more powerful than continuing to explain the same point.
Concepts such as "embracing your shadow," "being selfish," and "finding comfort in discomfort" really had a big impact on me. Frankly, I am excited to start implementing what I learned from this book as soon as possible. I thought this book served as a good complement to the book "Psycho-Cybernetics" because they both encourage people to stop "overly filtering" their true nature. "Nice guys" are highly inhibited - they need to start acting and speaking BEFORE they think; they are way too much in their heads, which makes it difficult for others to connect to them.
After reading through the book once, I am able to understand its concepts. To put the concepts into practice, I will need to re-read some chapters again. The examples and exercises in the book were excellent, easy to complete, meaningful, and easy to relate to. However, I am not going to lie, this was a long book. I'm not sure if it could have been trimmed, but I definitely was clicking kind of fast through some of the pages while reading on my iPad. Some of the explanations were a bit repetitive. I think saying it once and letting it sink in would be more powerful than continuing to explain the same point.
Concepts such as "embracing your shadow," "being selfish," and "finding comfort in discomfort" really had a big impact on me. Frankly, I am excited to start implementing what I learned from this book as soon as possible. I thought this book served as a good complement to the book "Psycho-Cybernetics" because they both encourage people to stop "overly filtering" their true nature. "Nice guys" are highly inhibited - they need to start acting and speaking BEFORE they think; they are way too much in their heads, which makes it difficult for others to connect to them.
April 13, 2022
I absolutely could not get through this. A friend recommended this book to me and while I kept waiting for the few gems other readers kept mentioning, they never presented themselves . While I completely understand the importance of setting boundaries, I found this book a great way to actually have *terrible* relationships. Some advice early on in the book was simply removing yourself from a conversation you felt disinterested in. Whatever happened to curiosity and connection? The thoughts presented in this book feel like an unfocused way to diminish that. On top of that, Aziz never landed on a conclusion of just how to be "Not Nice." I'd rather read other books that talk about staying nice, setting healthy boundaries, asking for what you want, *while* being curious and open. (See: Brene, Eckhart, etc. Even listening to Jay shetty's Pod.)...✌🏽
July 8, 2019
As a self-help book, this book will clearly be of more use to some than others. For me, it was absolutely life-changing. I've always accepted myself as a people-pleaser. However, until this book, I simply had no clue about the psychological and emotional damage that a lifetime of cultural, social, and religious indoctrination will do...if I allow it. I've read it twice and will read it again.
If you ever feel the slightest bit of responsibility for anybody else's feelings, move this book to the top of your list.
If you ever feel the slightest bit of responsibility for anybody else's feelings, move this book to the top of your list.
April 7, 2023
I know this book speaks to a lot of people but unfortunately I'm just not one of them.
At this point in my life especially, this was not the message I needed but reading through this book I identified with a lot of experiences I've had OF OTHER PEOPLE and I would highly recommend this book to anyone considering it because if considering it, it would likely speak to you.
This book speaks directly to the soul of the reader and while there are plenty of different souls out there in the world. . .I am just not the one this book was written for.
At this point in my life especially, this was not the message I needed but reading through this book I identified with a lot of experiences I've had OF OTHER PEOPLE and I would highly recommend this book to anyone considering it because if considering it, it would likely speak to you.
This book speaks directly to the soul of the reader and while there are plenty of different souls out there in the world. . .I am just not the one this book was written for.
April 18, 2020
Eye opening book for introverts like me! The book addresses all the issues being faced just for the sake of being "nice" to people around you.
The most important takeaway from the book for me was to ensure that i take care of my needs and interests without fail rather than ignoring or sacrificing them for othres. Only when you feel fullfilled, happy for your self, then only you can give and spread love, joy and empathy towards others around you.
The most important takeaway from the book for me was to ensure that i take care of my needs and interests without fail rather than ignoring or sacrificing them for othres. Only when you feel fullfilled, happy for your self, then only you can give and spread love, joy and empathy towards others around you.
August 3, 2021
4 stars
I'm at a point in my life where I'm doing a lot of inward reflection, and Not Nice was the ideal book for me right now. Not Nice is for people like myself who struggle to be assertive and direct and tend to take the more polite route, often at our own expense.
Not Nice aims to teach that the opposite of nice isn't mean, but rather authentic. I might not have agreed with Aziz Gazipura on everything, but I learned a lot, and for that, I'm grateful.
I'm at a point in my life where I'm doing a lot of inward reflection, and Not Nice was the ideal book for me right now. Not Nice is for people like myself who struggle to be assertive and direct and tend to take the more polite route, often at our own expense.
Not Nice aims to teach that the opposite of nice isn't mean, but rather authentic. I might not have agreed with Aziz Gazipura on everything, but I learned a lot, and for that, I'm grateful.
June 29, 2024
I was intrigued to read this book after I saw a viral tiktok with a girl who was de-sensitizing herself to being embarrassed so that she wouldnt over fixate on peoples approval. She mentioned she read this book.
While the book definitely gave me some things to think about. Its entirely too long for me… but ironically, in the book, the author mentions this being one of his initial concerns that he had and he moved past it in an effort to stop worrying about what readers would think lol
While the book definitely gave me some things to think about. Its entirely too long for me… but ironically, in the book, the author mentions this being one of his initial concerns that he had and he moved past it in an effort to stop worrying about what readers would think lol
May 7, 2020
I liked and found this book useful, though I really hate when you get to the end of a book like this and they're like "Hope you found this useful, I love books too but if I hadn't done in person training I would have achieved zero of what I talked about in this book : TRY MY DEVELOPMENT SEMINARS.' Anyway, I think this book is good.
April 27, 2020
This book is supremely useful. I felt challenged and supported throughout. I will be referencing it often in the future. It’s definitely helped me crack the layers of guilt, approval seeking, and fear developed from growing up afab in the US. Highly recommend
June 16, 2021
3.5 stars.
The audio book was very long, as others have stated, but I think this is the type of book that you have to listen to a little bit at a time to take in the lessons. While it was repetitive at times, it made me more mindful of when I'm being 'too nice' and not my authentic self.
The audio book was very long, as others have stated, but I think this is the type of book that you have to listen to a little bit at a time to take in the lessons. While it was repetitive at times, it made me more mindful of when I'm being 'too nice' and not my authentic self.
December 17, 2019
Just filler and some stories of his family.
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