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My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness #2
My Solo Exchange Diary Vol. 1
The sequel to the viral sensation My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness!
In this follow-up to the critical and commercial hit, Nagata Kabi uses engaging diary comics to explore her personal issues surrounding mental health, identity, and intimacy. Her relationship with her parents is growing more difficult than ever, and she struggles with the idea of living alone for the first time. Join her on her heart-wrenching, relatable journey through the challenges of adulthood.
In this follow-up to the critical and commercial hit, Nagata Kabi uses engaging diary comics to explore her personal issues surrounding mental health, identity, and intimacy. Her relationship with her parents is growing more difficult than ever, and she struggles with the idea of living alone for the first time. Join her on her heart-wrenching, relatable journey through the challenges of adulthood.
168 pages, Paperback
First published December 6, 2016
130 people are currently reading
4201 people want to read
About the author
Kabi Nagata
10 books1,441 followersNagata Kabi is a Japanese manga artist best known for My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness. Nagata has been drawing for as long as she can remember.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 572 reviews
June 26, 2018
I don't know what to write in this review. This series has become very personal to me.
Things that I never realized in my life were described here that caught my attention and began to make sense.
This is a very intimate and striking reading as well as exciting. From the drawings that illustrate what goes on in the head of author to the narrative, everything is quite incredible.
I can't wait for the next volume.
A very interesting thing is that the author tells in the story that despite the cover and the genre being sold in the lesbian category, the story doesn't revolve around her life as a lesbian or a romance, but rather about her recovery and the day to day of a person battling with depression that happens to be homosexual.
Things that I never realized in my life were described here that caught my attention and began to make sense.
This is a very intimate and striking reading as well as exciting. From the drawings that illustrate what goes on in the head of author to the narrative, everything is quite incredible.
I can't wait for the next volume.
A very interesting thing is that the author tells in the story that despite the cover and the genre being sold in the lesbian category, the story doesn't revolve around her life as a lesbian or a romance, but rather about her recovery and the day to day of a person battling with depression that happens to be homosexual.
Read
October 28, 2020
September 12, 2021
I saw this at the library and realized I had never read it, so reread the other two volumes in this series, which went viral in Japan. Why? It's a story of long term depression/anxiety from a woman who has for most of her life been paralyzed by her emotional condition. And then she began writing, serializing in very clear fashion her life story. I mainly read fiction series in manga, so imagine part of the response to this is the honesty in it. And the relatability to so many people, who responded online to her. Then the online manga got compiled as books.
In the first book, My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness, she depicts her experience with paying an escort to spend time with her. She makes it clear she mainly just wants to be hugged, she feel so touch-deprived. Maybe part of the initial interest in the manga came from curiosity about escorts, which is of course a common thing, but not much written about? But it's not that revealing, if you are looking for something along those lines.
All of her books seem to focus on her inability and great need to figure out how to love and be loved, with a lot of crying in them, but I think she makes a very clear description of her condition useful for those who have similar experiences, and for health care professionals. The "solo exchange diary" is her writing letters to her present, past and future selves. She is SO fragile and yet is also strong and insightful enough to put herself out there for us and herself. Family relations, her need for love and support and independence, something we may associate with being twenty, Kabi still experiences ten years later. I find it very compelling.
In the first book, My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness, she depicts her experience with paying an escort to spend time with her. She makes it clear she mainly just wants to be hugged, she feel so touch-deprived. Maybe part of the initial interest in the manga came from curiosity about escorts, which is of course a common thing, but not much written about? But it's not that revealing, if you are looking for something along those lines.
All of her books seem to focus on her inability and great need to figure out how to love and be loved, with a lot of crying in them, but I think she makes a very clear description of her condition useful for those who have similar experiences, and for health care professionals. The "solo exchange diary" is her writing letters to her present, past and future selves. She is SO fragile and yet is also strong and insightful enough to put herself out there for us and herself. Family relations, her need for love and support and independence, something we may associate with being twenty, Kabi still experiences ten years later. I find it very compelling.
May 8, 2018
This is much darker than My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness, and it does come with a trigger warning for depression to the point of briefly mentioned suicidal thoughts. More than the previous book, the author is really trying to work through something, and she comes close to it without ever quite getting there. If you've ever suffered from anxiety or depression, her experiences will be very familiar...and for some readers, that might not be a good thing.
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October 22, 2018Intense (I MEAN IT) graphic novel memoir about mental illness, queerness, troubles with family and more. Looking forward to the next volume; I am a splat right now, so no longer comments, but do pick it up if you are interested in the topics. (Content notice: suicide attempt)
Source of the book: Lawrence Public Library
Source of the book: Lawrence Public Library
November 26, 2020
It's intense and now i'm depressed.
July 9, 2020
I wish I could slip this book into the hands of every queer woman or girl in the world.
It's intensely personal. Not everyone who picks it up will be Japanese, or gay, or cis, or suffer from emotional abuse or mental health problems. Or a mangaka! It's not trying to be universal, for which I applaud Nagata Kabi -- her book is searingly intimate and honest, with an intensity of self-reflection which makes sure this is no one's story but hers.
I know how rarely that space is allowed for women in general -- the space to say "my story is a story, and worth knowing." I think I'd forgotten to make the leap then to how amazing it would be read a gay woman's story on those lines. There's so much in here that makes me go: "god, YES, I get that," even if I haven't gone through the exact scenarios. And it's so... necessary. It makes me feel like I fit better into my own skin.
Like Alan Bennet says in "The History Boys:" The best moments in reading are when you come across something – a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things – which you had thought special and particular to you. Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met (...). And it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours.
Reading this was like sitting down at a table and holding someone's hand as they told you their story: that moment of humanity and relief and connection. And if Nagata Kabi has a theme, it's that queer women are starving for those connections. Somehow, in exposing her own hunger, she's managed to satisfy a piece of ours.
It's intensely personal. Not everyone who picks it up will be Japanese, or gay, or cis, or suffer from emotional abuse or mental health problems. Or a mangaka! It's not trying to be universal, for which I applaud Nagata Kabi -- her book is searingly intimate and honest, with an intensity of self-reflection which makes sure this is no one's story but hers.
I know how rarely that space is allowed for women in general -- the space to say "my story is a story, and worth knowing." I think I'd forgotten to make the leap then to how amazing it would be read a gay woman's story on those lines. There's so much in here that makes me go: "god, YES, I get that," even if I haven't gone through the exact scenarios. And it's so... necessary. It makes me feel like I fit better into my own skin.
Like Alan Bennet says in "The History Boys:" The best moments in reading are when you come across something – a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things – which you had thought special and particular to you. Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met (...). And it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours.
Reading this was like sitting down at a table and holding someone's hand as they told you their story: that moment of humanity and relief and connection. And if Nagata Kabi has a theme, it's that queer women are starving for those connections. Somehow, in exposing her own hunger, she's managed to satisfy a piece of ours.
May 9, 2019
I would read a hundred installments from Nagata Kabi. Her life and the depictions of her anxieties are so relatable, even to those whose personalities don't match with hers at all. Per usual, the art is messily perfect. I laughed, empathized, sighed heavily and the last entry (and its update) broke my heart a little.
Easily five stars! ☆☆☆☆☆
Easily five stars! ☆☆☆☆☆
September 12, 2018
Although I didn't enjoy this one as much as the first one, I still really liked it. I'm curious what the sequel will hold!
October 1, 2018
I didn't enjoy this as much as Nagata Kabi's first book. Part of this is I don't think it explored as much as the first book, rather it really focused on a few internal experiences and feelings.
That said Kabi's heartfelt and honest examination of loneliness, depression, and feelings of inadequacy I think was raw and poignant.
However, much like I am certain the writer felt, this narrative is over inundated with the same feelings and experiences in a vicious repeating cycle, especially in the first half. This is sort of the point, as this is what experiences of depression ect. feel like; however, it is broken up with clear goals like meeting up with an escort, experiencing certain things, explorations of sexuality, ect.
I am still happy I read it, as I thought there was a lot of great information and exploration here, but I didn't find it riveting like the first book.
And Nagata Kabi, if you are lurking on here reading this review, keep writing! I love your work, I love the honesty and think it is vital for people to see and read. I work in the public library and see your titles regularly check out!
That said Kabi's heartfelt and honest examination of loneliness, depression, and feelings of inadequacy I think was raw and poignant.
However, much like I am certain the writer felt, this narrative is over inundated with the same feelings and experiences in a vicious repeating cycle, especially in the first half. This is sort of the point, as this is what experiences of depression ect. feel like; however, it is broken up with clear goals like meeting up with an escort, experiencing certain things, explorations of sexuality, ect.
I am still happy I read it, as I thought there was a lot of great information and exploration here, but I didn't find it riveting like the first book.
And Nagata Kabi, if you are lurking on here reading this review, keep writing! I love your work, I love the honesty and think it is vital for people to see and read. I work in the public library and see your titles regularly check out!
July 24, 2018
I wasn't sure what a solo exchange diary was before this book, and now I find the idea fascinating. This is the first volume of Nagata Kabi's own solo exchange, where her present self talks to and comments upon what her former self had thought and done. In this first volume, you clearly see an author grow in many ways -- e.g., leaving the safe (and restrictive) confines of her family's home to her own apartment, learning to get into her own natural rhythm, becoming more disciplined as a writer, and finding a potential lover. At the same time, there's a sense of forlornness and regret that accompanies her accomplishments. It's a curious balance that works. I'd like to read future volumes.
March 11, 2019
Before this, Nagata released “My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness”, an account of being a rather obviously autistic person who despite having reached the ripe age of around 27 years, she lived with her parents, couldn’t keep a job and, more importantly, she had never been intimate with another human being. Nagata depicted unflinchingly most of her private demons: her alimentary disorders, her inability to connect with others or interact with them like a normal human being, her cycle of getting hired for some menial part-time job only to find it unbearable and abandon it shortly after, etc. She got into very uncomfortable territory, such as that she was sexually attracted to her mother. She realized she was a lesbian through that. Her dramatic quest ended up consisting on hiring the services of a female prostitute to experience some human warmth. We follow her through every anxiety attack, depressive episode and elaboration on her self-disdain. Somewhat surprisingly, the manga was success: it became something of a cult hit and won some awards.
However, as this new series explains, the success of that manga barely made a dent in her economic situation. She’s still broke and living with her unsympathetic parents, who are mostly ashamed of her. Her father is the kind of stern, unfriendly and uncaring person who lives to work and who got married and had children (or a child, more accurately) because it’s what everyone has to do. Nagata’s mother is too busy dealing with her husband and her mother-in-law who abuses her verbally, and regarding Nagata, her mother seems mostly worried about her daughter behaving in an unorthodox manner in front of a non-existent audience (at this point her mother is unaware that Nagata narrates her life in her work). The author’s parents are duty-bound people unable to develop personal preferences, for whom artistic sensibilities are a personality defect. People like those are prevalent amongst those who decide to reproduce; more sensitive people, tuned in to the pain of life in general, are unlikelier to have children. Troopers like Nagata’s parents are a significant part of what keeps this rotten species going, and from time to time they spawn broken people like the author, who seem destined to grow crazier and crazier well beyond the point when their reproductive abilities wither away. One of the most harrowing interactions with her parents in the first half of this book happens when Nagata, almost suicidally depressed and sleeping through most of the day, hears her mother open the door to her room and tell her how much of an embarrassment she (the author) is, and the trouble she causes to her parents.
Nagata realizes quickly that she needs to live alone. She attempts to do so with the little money she has saved. She needs to put her father as the co-signer, but her parents resist her attempts to break away, as if she were a child. “You can’t do anything. There’s no way you are going to survive on your own.” Despite the author’s intentions, the first time she moves away she ends up coming back.
She describes common issues with autistic people regarding executive function: can’t keep the surroundings clean enough, the time seems to fly by without having been able to do much, etc. In addition, issues with emotional self-regulation: not only she has close to no self-esteem, but also doesn’t have an internal “progress bar” that allows her to measure how much she’s improving, if at all. Her depression probably contributes. I’m too familiar with these issues, unfortunately; just today I managed to leave my cellphone in a public bathroom, and had to run back from the office to get it. As I was leaving the bathroom with the cellphone in my hand, I noticed that a lone sock was hanging from the bottom hem of my pants. In the past, during a particularly horrible job, I appeared in the office without having cleaned my mouth properly after washing my teeth. I wouldn’t hear the end of it. It’s probably a coincidence that I misplaced my cellphone and had a sock hanging from my pants the same day I finished this book. In any case, it’s unfortunately common for autistic people to fail to organize themselves in ways that are easy for a normal ten year old.
Nagata faces the fact that the only person in her life she’s been attached to is her mother, and in an unhealthy way (a reminder that the author admitted in a previous volume that she was sexually attracted to her). She realizes that if she’s ever to be happy, she’ll have to leave her mother behind. Once she’s living alone for the second time, this time presumably for real, she’s hit with the realization that there was no love at all between the members of her family. Her mother felt alone whenever her husband was around, and between the parents and the daughter were mostly just feelings of inconvenience and embarrassment. The remaining significant contact that she has with her parents during the period that this manga encompasses consists in Nagata approaching them with her first manga, implicitly hoping that they will approve of it despite the troublesome content. However, the responses she gets to her work, not only from her parents but from other people she knows, are demoralizing. They either treat her work as a liability or as “work well done”, instead of as the “heartbreaking work of staggering genius” that Nagata needs it to be considered. It's a very common mistake for creators: they expect to be fulfilled through the reception to their work. If you depend on your audience like that, you'll only be disappointed. You should be content with how creating the work rewards you emotionally.
Around this point I was wishing to give the author a big hug (not that she’d want a hug from me) when curiously Nagata mentions that she’s getting messages like that. Then she cries because in person she remains untouched and unloved.
In the biggest sequence of events that happens in this manga, the author . Nagata faces probably the biggest flaw in autistic people, even in those who believe themselves to never have experienced it or that they have overcome it: despite their fantasies, they are incapable of caring enough for human beings at least to the extent that the other person requires it. I have met many autistic people in person; most are celibate, and those who have gotten married mention how their partners complain about their “emotional unavailability”, often to the point of the partner wishing she could leave (in other cases they left, so they aren't complaining anymore). I’m very aware of this issue myself, so I abstain from forming intimate relationships, both because I don’t want to get hurt anymore and to avoid hurting others. I find curious, however, that Nagata remained oblivious about the fact that her self-esteem had improved enough to reject getting into a relationship with someone that she didn’t like enough. I think that the Kabi Nagata that wrote “My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness” would have dated this fan just out of gratitude, along the way forcing herself to reciprocate feelings she wasn’t experiencing.
Near the ending of the manga, Nagata mentions that she hasn’t interacted with her parents in quite a while, that she’s busy working, that she occasionally meets acquaintances, but her actions betray that apparent contentment: .
This manga is probably a three and a half, but I uprated because I want more of Nagata’s fearless honesty.
However, as this new series explains, the success of that manga barely made a dent in her economic situation. She’s still broke and living with her unsympathetic parents, who are mostly ashamed of her. Her father is the kind of stern, unfriendly and uncaring person who lives to work and who got married and had children (or a child, more accurately) because it’s what everyone has to do. Nagata’s mother is too busy dealing with her husband and her mother-in-law who abuses her verbally, and regarding Nagata, her mother seems mostly worried about her daughter behaving in an unorthodox manner in front of a non-existent audience (at this point her mother is unaware that Nagata narrates her life in her work). The author’s parents are duty-bound people unable to develop personal preferences, for whom artistic sensibilities are a personality defect. People like those are prevalent amongst those who decide to reproduce; more sensitive people, tuned in to the pain of life in general, are unlikelier to have children. Troopers like Nagata’s parents are a significant part of what keeps this rotten species going, and from time to time they spawn broken people like the author, who seem destined to grow crazier and crazier well beyond the point when their reproductive abilities wither away. One of the most harrowing interactions with her parents in the first half of this book happens when Nagata, almost suicidally depressed and sleeping through most of the day, hears her mother open the door to her room and tell her how much of an embarrassment she (the author) is, and the trouble she causes to her parents.
Nagata realizes quickly that she needs to live alone. She attempts to do so with the little money she has saved. She needs to put her father as the co-signer, but her parents resist her attempts to break away, as if she were a child. “You can’t do anything. There’s no way you are going to survive on your own.” Despite the author’s intentions, the first time she moves away she ends up coming back.
She describes common issues with autistic people regarding executive function: can’t keep the surroundings clean enough, the time seems to fly by without having been able to do much, etc. In addition, issues with emotional self-regulation: not only she has close to no self-esteem, but also doesn’t have an internal “progress bar” that allows her to measure how much she’s improving, if at all. Her depression probably contributes. I’m too familiar with these issues, unfortunately; just today I managed to leave my cellphone in a public bathroom, and had to run back from the office to get it. As I was leaving the bathroom with the cellphone in my hand, I noticed that a lone sock was hanging from the bottom hem of my pants. In the past, during a particularly horrible job, I appeared in the office without having cleaned my mouth properly after washing my teeth. I wouldn’t hear the end of it. It’s probably a coincidence that I misplaced my cellphone and had a sock hanging from my pants the same day I finished this book. In any case, it’s unfortunately common for autistic people to fail to organize themselves in ways that are easy for a normal ten year old.
Nagata faces the fact that the only person in her life she’s been attached to is her mother, and in an unhealthy way (a reminder that the author admitted in a previous volume that she was sexually attracted to her). She realizes that if she’s ever to be happy, she’ll have to leave her mother behind. Once she’s living alone for the second time, this time presumably for real, she’s hit with the realization that there was no love at all between the members of her family. Her mother felt alone whenever her husband was around, and between the parents and the daughter were mostly just feelings of inconvenience and embarrassment. The remaining significant contact that she has with her parents during the period that this manga encompasses consists in Nagata approaching them with her first manga, implicitly hoping that they will approve of it despite the troublesome content. However, the responses she gets to her work, not only from her parents but from other people she knows, are demoralizing. They either treat her work as a liability or as “work well done”, instead of as the “heartbreaking work of staggering genius” that Nagata needs it to be considered. It's a very common mistake for creators: they expect to be fulfilled through the reception to their work. If you depend on your audience like that, you'll only be disappointed. You should be content with how creating the work rewards you emotionally.
Around this point I was wishing to give the author a big hug (not that she’d want a hug from me) when curiously Nagata mentions that she’s getting messages like that. Then she cries because in person she remains untouched and unloved.
In the biggest sequence of events that happens in this manga, the author . Nagata faces probably the biggest flaw in autistic people, even in those who believe themselves to never have experienced it or that they have overcome it: despite their fantasies, they are incapable of caring enough for human beings at least to the extent that the other person requires it. I have met many autistic people in person; most are celibate, and those who have gotten married mention how their partners complain about their “emotional unavailability”, often to the point of the partner wishing she could leave (in other cases they left, so they aren't complaining anymore). I’m very aware of this issue myself, so I abstain from forming intimate relationships, both because I don’t want to get hurt anymore and to avoid hurting others. I find curious, however, that Nagata remained oblivious about the fact that her self-esteem had improved enough to reject getting into a relationship with someone that she didn’t like enough. I think that the Kabi Nagata that wrote “My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness” would have dated this fan just out of gratitude, along the way forcing herself to reciprocate feelings she wasn’t experiencing.
Near the ending of the manga, Nagata mentions that she hasn’t interacted with her parents in quite a while, that she’s busy working, that she occasionally meets acquaintances, but her actions betray that apparent contentment: .
This manga is probably a three and a half, but I uprated because I want more of Nagata’s fearless honesty.
July 28, 2025
Man, Nagata Kabi draws some of the most un-erotic nude scenes I've ever read. I sincerely mean that as a compliment. Yes, sex can be exciting and wonderful and inspiring, but it can also be awkward, comical, and nerve-wracking. It's good to be reminded of that from time to time, lest we start to take it too seriously.
As was the case with My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness, this book is emotionally harrowing. Kabi has a real gift for bringing the reader into her head so that we feel every iota of the raw nerves and social anxiety and depression that she portrays as her lot in life. As manga, this book has more in common with Western alt and underground artists like Robert Crumb, Ariel Schrag, Joe Matt, Eddie Campbell, etc. than with DragonBall or One Piece.
It's not all angst and darkness. There are moments of progress and triumph as well. Entry No. 11 just about had me weeping tears of joy, to the point where I had to put the book down and savor the feeling for a while. I was so happy for her!
Putting your life out there for strangers to read and comment on can't be easy. I'm grateful to Nagata Kabi for choosing to share with us in this fashion. She has a real talent for drawing the reader's empathy, and I can't wait to see what she does next. I think there are at least one or two more volumes of autobiographical stories translated into English that I haven't read yet, so I have my work cut out for me. Highly recommended!
As was the case with My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness, this book is emotionally harrowing. Kabi has a real gift for bringing the reader into her head so that we feel every iota of the raw nerves and social anxiety and depression that she portrays as her lot in life. As manga, this book has more in common with Western alt and underground artists like Robert Crumb, Ariel Schrag, Joe Matt, Eddie Campbell, etc. than with DragonBall or One Piece.
It's not all angst and darkness. There are moments of progress and triumph as well. Entry No. 11 just about had me weeping tears of joy, to the point where I had to put the book down and savor the feeling for a while. I was so happy for her!
Putting your life out there for strangers to read and comment on can't be easy. I'm grateful to Nagata Kabi for choosing to share with us in this fashion. She has a real talent for drawing the reader's empathy, and I can't wait to see what she does next. I think there are at least one or two more volumes of autobiographical stories translated into English that I haven't read yet, so I have my work cut out for me. Highly recommended!
October 30, 2019
I’ve read multiple reviews that found this to be a lot darker than My Lesbian Experience With Lonliness, but I actually think this is far more hopeful. Yeah, she’s still struggling with depression and anxiety, and the whole manga deals with heavy topics that she doesn’t shy away from, but there’s also clear progress being made. She’s learning more and more about the root of her problems and how to cope and get better. I also think there’s something relatable for anyone who’s ever dealt with anxiety and/or depression.
Bottom line is that I absolutely loved it and would recommend this within a heartbeat.
Bottom line is that I absolutely loved it and would recommend this within a heartbeat.
June 6, 2018
I've been looking forward to this ever since reading Kabi's first book. I really admire her bravery in being so brutally honest with herself and exploring her feelings. It's messy and confusing and there's no real clear answer to anything, and that makes it wonderful and real. I look forward to future volumes.
April 21, 2021
I cannot stress how much I want to give Kabi Nagata the warmest hug in the world.
You should, too.
You should, too.
July 27, 2018
A solid follow-up to the unique first volume. The author continues to make use of sex workers to alleviate her loneliness and lack of human contact. She also continues to struggle with depression and anxiety.
I like how she formats the book as diary entries that she writes to herself, cheering on her future self or consoling her past self as she struggles through multiple attempts to move out of her parents' house and tries to establish some independence as she nears 30.
The possibility of actually entering a real romantic relationship lends the book energy as it enters the closing stretch.
I like how she formats the book as diary entries that she writes to herself, cheering on her future self or consoling her past self as she struggles through multiple attempts to move out of her parents' house and tries to establish some independence as she nears 30.
The possibility of actually entering a real romantic relationship lends the book energy as it enters the closing stretch.
February 10, 2024
how do u rate someone elses life? their very real, terrible, joyous, haunting, mirthful(...) experiences?? how do u put a plus or minus sign on it? nagata kabi I hope life is good to you in all the ways that matter.
May 21, 2025
4’5/5✨
Creo que no hay mejor manera para definir los mangas de Kabi Nagata que reales y crudos. Me ha encantado.
Creo que no hay mejor manera para definir los mangas de Kabi Nagata que reales y crudos. Me ha encantado.
February 17, 2019
I'm a lesbian. I have severe depression. And I have, and still do, struggle with suicidal thoughts.
I bought and read the first book, which I liked, but this one shook me up enough to push me to write a review. Nagata Kabi's biographical comics are deeply personal, so of course, you won't relate to everything she writes, since it's her life, not yours or mine. But the reason why her books have raised such a discussion in the community is because there are enough parts that speak to a variety of people that it strikes something down in us.
Like I said. I'm a lesbian. I'm proudly out online, but the only "offline" person who knows my true orientation is my older sister, who is biromantic and asexual. She's my sister, who I love a lot, but I'll never forget the time someone I thought was my friend accused me of having sexual feelings for her since, of course, since I was gay, must I not be attracted to every single woman ever? He also told me that I could be "fixed." I have never spoken to him again.
I grew up with a learning disability that didn't get diagnosed until my final year of high school, so much of my formative years were spent wondering why I was so slow, easily confused, and unable to learn things. Was I just stupid? It's not really surprising that along with my diagnosis of ADHD and a learning disability, I was also diagnosed with severe depressive disorder and moderate anxiety disorder. Yeah, quite the cocktail going on there.
I know I'm not stupid, but I think I am a lot.
I may not have many talents, but that doesn't make me worthless, since there are still a lot of things I can do. But I think I am a lot.
I don't actually want to die, because I want to live and become a better person, and spend more times with the friends that I cherish. But I think about it a lot. Almost every night.
Depression is a fog that sets over your brain and envelops everything. It's just fog, you say, can't you just walk through it? But it makes it hard to see. Sometimes you get lost. It's cold. And when it gets so thick that you can hardly see at all, sometimes you think that there is no way out. You can't get through it. You're stuck.
I'm a cheerful person, you know. Usually. When the fog clears, you can see the cheerful me I've always been. But the fog tends to not clear up for very long. I have to do my best to chase it away every day without getting tired, because if I do it spies my weakness and pounces. It's hard.
This book captures all that, in such a way that reading it was a very, very painful experience. Trigger warnings abound for suicide, depression, eating disorders, and more. Nagata Kabi is a lesbian, but like every LGBT+ person, that's just a part of who she is. She's a closeted woman struggling to find something that can give her self-worth but can't seem to get a good grasp on anything. She wants someone to love her, but her parents love is complicated and she's socially awkward, so she ends up talking to some kind sex workers who make her feel the warmth of human interaction. She ends up writing to herself a lot, because she needs to talk to somebody who will listen. She goes around in circles, but the results do not change. Despair sets in. Her parents ask when she will get a real, good job, when she will marry a man, when she will stop being so disappointing and weak, which only serves to hammer nails of low self-worth into her skull. She wants to give up. But she carries on, thanks to that part of her, however small, that wants to be happy.
This book felt like it weighed like a hundred pounds when I put it down. It's hard to think about it without tearing up, because as I said, I do not relate to everything, but enough that it makes me have to take a deep breath. It's scary to see such dark feelings represented, but also comforting in a way to know that someone understands. Nagata Kabi, I hope that we both can survive.
I know this review was overly personal and in itself a bit autobiographical, but that's because of the nature of this book. I'm glad I read it. I might read it again, if I can bear it. But I'll definitely read the next book of hers, for sure.
I bought and read the first book, which I liked, but this one shook me up enough to push me to write a review. Nagata Kabi's biographical comics are deeply personal, so of course, you won't relate to everything she writes, since it's her life, not yours or mine. But the reason why her books have raised such a discussion in the community is because there are enough parts that speak to a variety of people that it strikes something down in us.
Like I said. I'm a lesbian. I'm proudly out online, but the only "offline" person who knows my true orientation is my older sister, who is biromantic and asexual. She's my sister, who I love a lot, but I'll never forget the time someone I thought was my friend accused me of having sexual feelings for her since, of course, since I was gay, must I not be attracted to every single woman ever? He also told me that I could be "fixed." I have never spoken to him again.
I grew up with a learning disability that didn't get diagnosed until my final year of high school, so much of my formative years were spent wondering why I was so slow, easily confused, and unable to learn things. Was I just stupid? It's not really surprising that along with my diagnosis of ADHD and a learning disability, I was also diagnosed with severe depressive disorder and moderate anxiety disorder. Yeah, quite the cocktail going on there.
I know I'm not stupid, but I think I am a lot.
I may not have many talents, but that doesn't make me worthless, since there are still a lot of things I can do. But I think I am a lot.
I don't actually want to die, because I want to live and become a better person, and spend more times with the friends that I cherish. But I think about it a lot. Almost every night.
Depression is a fog that sets over your brain and envelops everything. It's just fog, you say, can't you just walk through it? But it makes it hard to see. Sometimes you get lost. It's cold. And when it gets so thick that you can hardly see at all, sometimes you think that there is no way out. You can't get through it. You're stuck.
I'm a cheerful person, you know. Usually. When the fog clears, you can see the cheerful me I've always been. But the fog tends to not clear up for very long. I have to do my best to chase it away every day without getting tired, because if I do it spies my weakness and pounces. It's hard.
This book captures all that, in such a way that reading it was a very, very painful experience. Trigger warnings abound for suicide, depression, eating disorders, and more. Nagata Kabi is a lesbian, but like every LGBT+ person, that's just a part of who she is. She's a closeted woman struggling to find something that can give her self-worth but can't seem to get a good grasp on anything. She wants someone to love her, but her parents love is complicated and she's socially awkward, so she ends up talking to some kind sex workers who make her feel the warmth of human interaction. She ends up writing to herself a lot, because she needs to talk to somebody who will listen. She goes around in circles, but the results do not change. Despair sets in. Her parents ask when she will get a real, good job, when she will marry a man, when she will stop being so disappointing and weak, which only serves to hammer nails of low self-worth into her skull. She wants to give up. But she carries on, thanks to that part of her, however small, that wants to be happy.
This book felt like it weighed like a hundred pounds when I put it down. It's hard to think about it without tearing up, because as I said, I do not relate to everything, but enough that it makes me have to take a deep breath. It's scary to see such dark feelings represented, but also comforting in a way to know that someone understands. Nagata Kabi, I hope that we both can survive.
I know this review was overly personal and in itself a bit autobiographical, but that's because of the nature of this book. I'm glad I read it. I might read it again, if I can bear it. But I'll definitely read the next book of hers, for sure.
September 18, 2020
Bratz Readathon 2020
I really, really enjoyed My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness, so naturally I was excited to read this, and I had high expectations, but it just didn't click with me the same way. It felt like most of the chapters were just little random anecdotes from her life after writing her manga, but didn't explore her depression, loneliness, her feelings of failure, and of being unloved in the same way they did in her previous work. The best chapters were the ones where she was scared to show her parents her work, for she felt that they would be embarrassed of her and wouldn't accept her. Things like that, even if I can't fully relate in the same way as some of the other problems she deals with (depression, lack of ambition, inadequacy etc.), still hit me hard, and make me just want to cry. But chapters like that were a bit scarce, sadly. Maybe the next volume will be better, but I'm undecided on whether or not I'll give it a read.
I really, really enjoyed My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness, so naturally I was excited to read this, and I had high expectations, but it just didn't click with me the same way. It felt like most of the chapters were just little random anecdotes from her life after writing her manga, but didn't explore her depression, loneliness, her feelings of failure, and of being unloved in the same way they did in her previous work. The best chapters were the ones where she was scared to show her parents her work, for she felt that they would be embarrassed of her and wouldn't accept her. Things like that, even if I can't fully relate in the same way as some of the other problems she deals with (depression, lack of ambition, inadequacy etc.), still hit me hard, and make me just want to cry. But chapters like that were a bit scarce, sadly. Maybe the next volume will be better, but I'm undecided on whether or not I'll give it a read.
August 23, 2018
Nagata Kabi's work story is very important to me because how relateable her experiences have been, especially with her family and living situation. I hope for the best for her and with the progress she makes, I hope I am able to as well. Lots of love to her💕
February 17, 2020
I had high expectations after the first comic. Unfortunately this was very disappointing. I quickly lost interest and will definitely not be reading the third comic.
July 20, 2023
The familial relationships are rough here, as well as the mental health struggles. I thought it was well thought, and truly it reads like a diary. We're seeing the author grow.
June 15, 2018
A sequel of sorts for My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness, My Solo Exchange Diary gives us another look at mangaka Nagata Kabi's life and what happened to her after her manga had been published.
We go back to the themes Nagata has already explored in My Lesbian Experience: her lack of self-esteem, her dependence on her family and their approval, her loneliness, and also her growth as a person. We see a lot more of the latter in My Solo Exchange Diary, where she finally manages to move to her own place and get out to meet more people.
So actually when I first read My Lesbian Experience I was so excited about it and sent Snapchats of some of the panels I loved to a couple of friends, who agreed that Nagata got 'it'. She knew about the feeling of helplessness and just drifting in life with no concrete goals. She knew the feeling of loneliness and failing (but wanting) to connect. And of course, she knew what it was like to be clueless about life even as she enters her thirties.
As a 30-something person myself (it looks like Nagata was born one year before I was but I'm too lazy to check), I've always wondered about this. Do people my age really have it all figured out? Are we really adults at this point or are we just faking it?
I'm not sure how good my sample is because I'm surrounded by like-minded friends (and I am after all a millennial; one of the older ones, but still a millennial) but from what I gather our thoughts and experiences reflect Nagata's more than what society expects our thoughts and experiences ought to be. Reading this and My Lesbian Experience is like that moment from The History Boys that often get quoted about books: it's like someone reached out and held your hand.
Still full of hope, even if she has a hard time accepting praise and the good turn in life she has experienced, even if she finds herself too focused on herself to return someone's love, even if she realises (and admits to herself) that she came from a family that didn't love each other, Nagata moves on. And so, I guess, should we.
We go back to the themes Nagata has already explored in My Lesbian Experience: her lack of self-esteem, her dependence on her family and their approval, her loneliness, and also her growth as a person. We see a lot more of the latter in My Solo Exchange Diary, where she finally manages to move to her own place and get out to meet more people.
So actually when I first read My Lesbian Experience I was so excited about it and sent Snapchats of some of the panels I loved to a couple of friends, who agreed that Nagata got 'it'. She knew about the feeling of helplessness and just drifting in life with no concrete goals. She knew the feeling of loneliness and failing (but wanting) to connect. And of course, she knew what it was like to be clueless about life even as she enters her thirties.
As a 30-something person myself (it looks like Nagata was born one year before I was but I'm too lazy to check), I've always wondered about this. Do people my age really have it all figured out? Are we really adults at this point or are we just faking it?
I'm not sure how good my sample is because I'm surrounded by like-minded friends (and I am after all a millennial; one of the older ones, but still a millennial) but from what I gather our thoughts and experiences reflect Nagata's more than what society expects our thoughts and experiences ought to be. Reading this and My Lesbian Experience is like that moment from The History Boys that often get quoted about books: it's like someone reached out and held your hand.
Still full of hope, even if she has a hard time accepting praise and the good turn in life she has experienced, even if she finds herself too focused on herself to return someone's love, even if she realises (and admits to herself) that she came from a family that didn't love each other, Nagata moves on. And so, I guess, should we.
May 10, 2021
This book has a different feel that Nagata Kabi's first book and what really struck me was that the difference was growth. Loneliness is still a large part of the struggle, but her understanding of how it shapes her life is developing. In this book you can see her connect more dots and start to evolve further as a person.
The "solo exchange diary" aspect works incredibly well as a story telling device as we see entries addressing a future version of herself, "Dear Nagata Kabi... Hello, it's been a while. This is Nagata Kabi." She starts unpacking all the discoveries she has made about her familial relationships and both her faults and the projections she's made onto others. A large part of her journey here revolves around the relationship she has with her mother and how little she actually understands her. The part I was impressed by is that you can see her slowly start to better appreciate who her mother is as an individual and how Kabi's issues have clouded how she perceives her mother.
There are some big personal steps here: moving out on her own, getting more professional work and trying to on real dates. The author's strength, for me, remains her fearless honesty. In spite of all the personal issues with mental health, she never shies away from her struggle and we're giving this self-narrated tour of her next phase of life.
It may not be as 'flashy' as My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness, but it's just as unflinchingly honest and desperately hopeful. The pace may be a little different, but the way the diary breaks into chapters makes is easy to pick up and get right back into.
The "solo exchange diary" aspect works incredibly well as a story telling device as we see entries addressing a future version of herself, "Dear Nagata Kabi... Hello, it's been a while. This is Nagata Kabi." She starts unpacking all the discoveries she has made about her familial relationships and both her faults and the projections she's made onto others. A large part of her journey here revolves around the relationship she has with her mother and how little she actually understands her. The part I was impressed by is that you can see her slowly start to better appreciate who her mother is as an individual and how Kabi's issues have clouded how she perceives her mother.
There are some big personal steps here: moving out on her own, getting more professional work and trying to on real dates. The author's strength, for me, remains her fearless honesty. In spite of all the personal issues with mental health, she never shies away from her struggle and we're giving this self-narrated tour of her next phase of life.
It may not be as 'flashy' as My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness, but it's just as unflinchingly honest and desperately hopeful. The pace may be a little different, but the way the diary breaks into chapters makes is easy to pick up and get right back into.
December 8, 2023
Więc czytam "Solo Exchange Diary" w niewłaściwej kolejności, bo dopiero teraz udało mi się dostać pierwszy tom (w polskim wydaniu nawet, wow, mam nadzieję, że drugi też wyjdzie). Narra(u)torka dokumentuje swoje porażki i osiągnięcia, szuka przyczyn swoich problemów w domu rodzinnym, dokonując przy tym wiwisekcji relacji, narracja tnie jak skalpel miękką tkankę cierpienia, niedojrzałości, bólu i niedostosowania. Jej szczerość jest momentami nie tyle nawet bolesna, co okrutna, przede wszystkim wobec niej samej, ale też wobec innych, ludzi z jej otoczenia, rodziny, u której nie znajduje wsparcia i miłości, kiedy ich potrzebuje. Jej szczerość jest potrzebna, nie bez powodu seria stała się globalnym sukcesem - Nagata nie jest odosobnionym przypadkiem, ale szkłem powiększającym, pod którym widać problemy młodego pokolenia, wychowanego przed nieadekwatnych rodziców w nieludzkim systemie, który mierzy wartość ludzkiego życia produktywnością. Jej komiksy są dla mnie czymś bardzo osobistym, bo widzę widzę w nich odbicie także wielu swoich problemów - tych, z którymi już sobie poradziłam, ale raniły mnie w okresie dorastania i tych, które wciąż nade mną wiszą. O każdym rozdziale można napisać esej, ale to byłaby strategia obronna, bo siła oddziaływania twórczości Nagaty tkwi w emocjach, jakich doświadczamy w trakcie lektury, a te nie zawsze są przyjemne - ale zawsze są ważne.
February 8, 2019
Nagata Kabi's work is important. It's not the kind of thing you read for enjoyment or entertainment. Instead both books she's put out so far are both cathartic as well as emotionally draining. You experience her pain, her frustration, her struggle to do little more than just be able to function knowing exactly how she feels. There's always something in her books that the reader can empathize with and as I've said, that experience is both cathartic as well as emotionally draining.
It's a huge relieve to have these experienced acknowledged as more than "just teenage angst" that mental health is not something that's a quick and easy fix. Its a struggle with the very body you inhabit every day of your life. By the end of the book you are happy that these experiences are being shared, even though you feel as if you've been hit by a truck.
But that's OK. It's important to empathize, and be reminded of your struggles if only to show yourself how far you've come. Like Kabi herself says, it's important to have "your own personal yardstick" to measure up to. So, yes...I encourage you to read her work, just be prepared for the experience.
It's a huge relieve to have these experienced acknowledged as more than "just teenage angst" that mental health is not something that's a quick and easy fix. Its a struggle with the very body you inhabit every day of your life. By the end of the book you are happy that these experiences are being shared, even though you feel as if you've been hit by a truck.
But that's OK. It's important to empathize, and be reminded of your struggles if only to show yourself how far you've come. Like Kabi herself says, it's important to have "your own personal yardstick" to measure up to. So, yes...I encourage you to read her work, just be prepared for the experience.
October 28, 2018
She's so good at conveying intense emotions. It's healing to see these familiar emotions laid out on the page: the blow of parental disapproval; the way praise and support can feel like the sun coming out. She doesn't totally tie her emotional troubles and family issues to her queerness, but in my life I feel that they are connected, and it makes me wonder. I know that all people deal with lonlieness. But the oppression of queer people contributes to our expriences with lonliness and with feeling alienated from family. It seems like she is largely accepting of her own queerness, here, and is struggling more with trying to make connections in the world and to live on her own. But being queer means it can be harder to make connections, and I wonder if she will explore this in future stories.
I loved this and read it in one sitting. The art is evocative. I will treasure this book.
Content notes: Suicide attempt mentioned towards the end. Mental illness is a theme.
Two humorous panels depicting cannibalism.
I loved this and read it in one sitting. The art is evocative. I will treasure this book.
Content notes: Suicide attempt mentioned towards the end. Mental illness is a theme.
Two humorous panels depicting cannibalism.
April 6, 2019
5/5 stars. Possible the best thing I'll read all year.
I read My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness last year, and fell in love with Kabi's art and beautiful narration. She explains difficult topics like depression, sexuality, loneliness in such simple- yet meaningful ways. As much as I loved that volume, this one amazed me even more.
It's much darker, and touches on more concepts than sexuality this time, such as independence, friends, work. Kabi's portrays the way mental illness performs as a cycle, just as she seems to have a grasp on herself and is happy, she seems to go back to the start again - recovery isn't a straight line. Through all this she still expresses thoughts and feelings so well, anyone would be able to relate to a part of her life, and take strength from her words too.
I really cannot wait to reread this when I need her advice or be reminded we're not alone in how we feel.
Content warnings:
I read My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness last year, and fell in love with Kabi's art and beautiful narration. She explains difficult topics like depression, sexuality, loneliness in such simple- yet meaningful ways. As much as I loved that volume, this one amazed me even more.
It's much darker, and touches on more concepts than sexuality this time, such as independence, friends, work. Kabi's portrays the way mental illness performs as a cycle, just as she seems to have a grasp on herself and is happy, she seems to go back to the start again - recovery isn't a straight line. Through all this she still expresses thoughts and feelings so well, anyone would be able to relate to a part of her life, and take strength from her words too.
I really cannot wait to reread this when I need her advice or be reminded we're not alone in how we feel.
Content warnings:
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