Hell! Said the Duchess: A Bedtime Story

by Michael Arlen

A female killer stalks the streets of London, sleeping with young men before slashing their throats and mutilating their bodies. The crimes have baffled the police and enraged Londoners, who demand the murderer's arrest. Mary, Duchess of Dove, a gentle young widow who is beloved by all who know her, seems an unlikely suspect, but the clues all point to her. The police have a variety of theories - perhaps the Duchess has been hypnotized or drugged, maybe she has an evil double, or could it be a Communist plot to discredit the peerage? Inspector Basil Icelin is determined to solve the mystery, but the true explanation is far more shocking and terrifying than anyone could ever imagine.

Genres: Horror, Fiction, Historical Fiction, Mystery, Fantasy, Classics, Humor

First published January 1, 1934

About the author

Original name Dikran Kouyoumdjian. Armenian essayist, short story writer, novelist, playwright, and scriptwriter, who had his greatest successes in the 1920s while living and writing in England. Although Arlen is most famous for his satirical romances set in English smart society, he also wrote gothic horror and psychological thrillers, for instance "The Gentleman from America", which was filmed in 1956 as a television episode for Alfred Hitchcock's TV series Alfred Hitchcock Presents. Near the end of his life, Arlen mainly occupied himself with political writing. Arlen's vivid but colloquial style came to be known as 'Arlenesque'.

Reviews

[mark monday · Rating 3 out of 5]

The Fulham Road Murder, so called from the fact that it took place in Redcliffe Road, was discovered early on the morning of April 17th. The Shepherd Market Murder came to light early on the morning of May 10th. Both victims were young men, the one a shop assistant and the other a bank clerk, who lived alone in lodgings. In each case the youth was discovered naked on his bed, naturally much disarranged, and with the head almost severed from the body by an inhuman slash across the throat from ear to ear. There were other mutilations of a fanciful nature which it will serve no purpose to describe. No weapon was found in either lodging. There were further similarities: a faint perfume, agreeable rather than sickly, much to the surprise of the detectives, who had been brought up to believe that all perfumes were sickly; and cigarette ends with the clearly-defined marks of lip rouge.

a dryly amusing but also often dizzy delight. Michael Arlen is a very entertaining writer and his ironic sense of humor just drips off of the page. part police procedural/murder mystery, part sophisticated satire sending up the beautiful people of the fabled Lost Generation.

and then at the end, the story moves to an idyllic country cottage and promptly turns into an over the top, gender-bending, and very hallucinatory horror nightmare featuring an ancient evil. like a fanciful tiered wedding cake with a severed, satanic ram's head hidden in its center. good times!



features an excellent introduction by Mark Valentine, who provides a sympathetic overview of Michael Arlen's life and career.

[Tim · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a bizarre little book. I honestly don't fully know what to make of it. It's... odd. It starts out a comedic police procedural and ends with something bordering a cosmic horror story. It's actually rather funny early on, with several eccentric characters and some comedic takes on the upper class. Then we get a series of very sexual murders (some details are rather shocking given the time of publication), which comes off a bit conflicting given the light hearted tone... then the comedy fades in the last couple of pages as we deal with a seemingly eternal being who can't be stopped, only delayed, and the act of delaying it drives our hero crazy... ending with a final paragraph in which he shoots himself in the head. Yeah... like I said, it's a bit odd.

The book is kind of all over the place, wanting to be a comedic take social status, a detective story and... whatever the hell it ends on. The book is quite short (only 98 pages in my edition, not counting the introduction) and these tonal jumps feel even more jarring as they happen so fast.

I truly don't know what else to say about this one. Is it worth a read? Absolutely! The oddness works in its favor, because even if it is baffling, it is certainly memorable. The prose is also very well done and had several witty lines that got a chuckle from me. It certainly is a unique read, and while not entirely successful, is still an entertaining endeavor. 3/5 stars.

[Timothy Mayer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Michael Arlen (born Dikran Kouyoumdjian, 1895-1956), was a writer of novels in Great Britian during the early part of the 20th century. He's known as the originator of the "Falcon" detective series and many humorous novels involving the tribulations of the English upper classes. Resembling something out of Bright Young Things, he cut quite a figure in proper society.
Which makes Hell! Said the Duchess all that more bizarre. Imagine, if you will, a Pre-WW2 British novel of manners with characters named Major-General Sir Giles Prest-Olive and the Hon. Basil Icelin. Have scenes where riots are halted to allow a baby carriage and a nurse to cross the barricades. Also include high-born English women whose honor is questioned. Add some bumbling detectives. Sounds like an Evelyn Waugh work, doesn't it?
OK, now mix in a serial killer named "Jane the Ripper", who is identified by her exotic perfume. Ad a bizarre alternate universe England in 1938 where Fascist Oswald Mosely is the war minister. Through in a mad scientist in drag. Now we should be in Charles Birkin territory. But we're not.
Hell! reads as the shotgun wedding of a P. G. Wodenhouse and Dennis Wheatley. We have droll humor and conspiracies. Police inspectors concerned about the lower classes being stirred and a satanic killer. Most of the novel is humorous, until the final thirty or so pages where it turns into something dark and deadly. I can't help but wonder if, while deciding to close the book, Arlen took up his pen and thought:"Let's give those Bertie Woosters some real nightmares!"
The novel begins with an account of Duchess Mary Dove. Much beloved of her staff and people, she has had scandalous rumors tossed about lately concerning her nighttime activities. Although she claims to be retiring at 10 PM sharp, various people have seen her hanging out with the lower classes in gin mills and coffee shops well into the morning hours. A detective is brought in to investigate. Scotland Yard intervenes. Could she also be the same "Jane the Ripper" who's been cutting up young men around London? Might this be an attempt to stir up the working classes against their betters by communists and anarchists?
As I have said before, 4/5 of this book resides in the chuckling smart set territory. But the final section is as dark as anything Arthur Machen could conceive. And I think this is why Hell! has resonated with aficionados of horror fiction for so long.

[Susan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This novella was written by Michael Arlen, born Dikran Konyoumdjian in Bulgaria, and most famous for his 1924 book, “The Green Hat.” In a way, “The Green Hat” was a bit of a double edged sword for Arlen – it brought him fame and fortune, but he never managed to obtain the same level of acclaim and success from anything else that he wrote. “Hell! Said the Duchess,” was published in 1934 and is subtitled, “a bed-time story.” Presumably, the sub-title continues the ironic and slightly sarcastic tone of much of this work, in which there are several ‘asides’ to the reader.

The Duchess of the title is the Duchess of Dove; beautiful, widowed Mary Dove. Mary Dove does not live in Society and spends her time involved in charity and looking after her young son. She has a companion, Miss Amy Gool and her dear friend is Mrs Nautigale. Both her friend and companion become involved when there are slanderous rumours that their dear, quiet and gentle friend has been seen in low class drinking dens and consorting with men. Such behaviour seems not only unlikely, but impossible. However, these rumours coincide with a murderer on the loose, who has been killing men in violent attacks. Dubbed by the press as the ‘Jane the Ripper murders,” the killer leaves behind lipstick stained cigarettes and a trace of scent very like that the Duchess wears ....

When Mary Dove becomes a suspect, her friends try to clear her name. This is set in the mid 1930’s and there are violent clashes between Communists and the British Union of Fascists. England is a country divided by class and it is felt that Mary Dove is being protected because she is a member of the aristocracy. Part crime story, full of dark humour and class conflict, and with elements of the supernatural, this is an interesting and intriguing read. Although Michael Arlen may have failed to replicate the huge success of “The Green Hat,” this will appeal to anyone who enjoys reading about British society between the wars.

Rated 3.5.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

A rather fine comic horror tale that actually had me laughing out loud on more than one occasion. A little knowledge of Britain in the 1930s might help with a few of the satirical elements (such as Oswald Mosely becoming Minister for War), but shouldn't detract from the overall enjoyment too much.

I wonder if Spike Milligan ever read this, as some of that crazy narrative style we associate with his work can certainly be found here.

[Jane · Rating 3 out of 5]

Could you resist a title like that? I couldn't!

The cover was striking, but it gave me no clue to the extraordinary mixture that I would find inside this little book from the 1930s. It began as a social satire, it showed signs of becoming a dystopian novel, it became a police procedural for quite some time, and as the end drew near it turned into a horror story. All of the elements were familiar, but not all in the same book. The combination isn't wholly successful, but the story is irresistible.

The duchess is Mary Dove, widow of the third Duke of Dove and Oldham, and she is as good as she is beautiful. She lived quietly, spending her days doing good works, and her evenings at home with her companion, a poor relation taken under her wing. This was explained so carefully, with such loving detail, that I couldn't help but be charmed by Mary Dove.

I found that her home was an oasis of calm in a deeply troubled London. In 1938 - a few years after this little book was published - the city was wracked by unemployment, social change, political demonstrations; and Winston Churchill, had been forced into a coalition with Oswald Moseley.

It was against this background that the 'Jane the Ripper' murders began: a killer believed to be female, young, and maybe foreign, was killing men in ways that became increasingly bizarre. Mary Dove became the prime suspect; it seemed ridiculous, it seemed impossible, but the evidence was compelling.

The police were incredulous; they thought there might be a communist plot to discredit the aristocracy, the wondered if the duchess might have been drugged or hypnotised, they wondered if something was amiss in their household. But they didn't arrest her; instead they put arrangement in place for the duchess, who was deeply distressed by everything that was happening around her, to be sent to a nursing home where she would be carefully and discreetly guarded.

There was rioting in the streets when the news broke that the prime suspect had not been arrested.

Meanwhile, the police followed a trail of evidence to an extraordinary conclusion.

Hell! Said the Duchess is a very readable book. I've never read anything like it before, and I think it's reasonably safe to say that I never will again. The contrast of the light social satire and the darker elements is oddly effective, and there are some lovely details along the way

But some elements work better than others, and I couldn't help thinking of certain contemporaries of Michael Arlen's who could have dealt with each aspect of the story a little better. Though I doubt that any of them could have handled them all, or thought of putting them all together to such fine effect.

I can't say that this is a great book, but I can definitely say that it was a wonderful entertainment and that I'm very pleased that it's back in print.

[Cookie M. · Rating 1 out of 5]

My enjoyment of this audio book was ruined by the terrible sing song narration of the reader. I fell asleep twice and lost the plot several times. Read this one. Do not listen to it.

[TraceyL · Rating 3 out of 5]

A tongue in cheek horror novella poking fun at the aristocracy and polite society. It was a fun time, but didn't blow me away.

[Andy Weston · Rating 3 out of 5]

The frivolent and impulsive days after the Great War before the Depression saw some fine achievements in the arts, and were epitomised by a devil may care attitude, pushing the established boundaries. For horror in particular it was a heyday, and Valancourt have in the past years reissued several, of which this short Arlan novel is one.
Until its last few chapters, this is recognisable as a fairly standard crime story, albeit with some gruesome discoveries, and a female suspect. He sets his story in the London of 1838 when a shy and reclusive Duchess is believed to have committed a series of murders, but thought by the masses, wracked by unemployment and rising prices, to being treated with kid gloves by the police, and riots are sparked. The angle the police follow is that it is a communist plot to discredit the aristocracy, but that is soon derailed, as there is much dirtier work afoot.
As often when these old treasures are unearthed, it is not the plot alone that grabs our attention. Arlen has a deadpan humour throughout, his characters thrive under his pen; he is a master of understatement. Note the novel's subtitle, A Bedtime Story.
Here's a wonderful excerpt..

..they (the policemen) had crossed a railway embankment, but before approaching the back entrance the two men stood thoughtfully looking at the quiet scene before them.
“It’s uncommonly quiet,” said Icelin.
“Sir, I’ll tell you why. There’s no dog.”
“But that doesn’t make sense. What sort of a man would it be, Crust, who can live alone in the country without a dog? “
“So help me God,” said Crust, “I’ll never sleep easy again until we find out.”

[Doug Bolden · Rating 5 out of 5]

[Doug's Note: As always, 3-star reviews are me being honest while 5-star reviews are me embracing the sheer joy of a book like this. In fact, this is the first book I have read in some time that I feel I might just straight up make a hobby recommending to people without context, referencing it madly and stochastically.]

"Crime was one thing, and a duchess was another."

This is a weird, broken little book. For maybe a fifth of the read-time there is a quite decent if not groundbreaking horror story (most prominently towards the end in which it goes full horror for a few pages). The kind of stuff that E. F. Benson or Arthur Machen might have written when in a mood. Structure-wise, "The Great God Pan" is in evidence. It namechecks Jekyll and Hyde. It calls upon the classics but makes them a bit rougher, a bit queer-er, a lot more sexual. It openly confronts its sexuality and baseness rather than hiding it in metaphor.

Take that chunk of horror and then it embed it inside a deeply satirical, fairly loud, and possibly quite angry comical novel about a slightly alternate history Britain; only bringing out the horror aspects when the jokes run out. Prior to that, jokes on top of jokes. Mock people for not reading enough. Mock the fascists. Mock the communists. Mock the prejudices. Mock the foreigners. Waves and waves of very nearly incessant jabs and jibes and taunts and wordplays. There are so many asides it is hard to tell how many of the jokes are even funny. Some are. Some are maybe more of a "had to be there to see it" variety.

For instance!

It was no doubt this fine nose that had steered him so comfortably through the sedentary life of a successful soldier, for in England it is wisely recognised that to a Staff Officer good looks must matter very much more than they should to a mere actor with a painted face. It was of General Prest-Olive that Maréchal Foch was reported to have said: “It is soldiers like Prest-Olive who almost unite the English and French armies in affection for the Belgians.” His wife was one of the Leicestershire ffox-Vermins, and he had to like it.

What do you do with such a joke? Hug it? Cherish it? Raise as your own?

Pages and pages of it. How about...

“If you say so. Though one has heard of a queen having a rough-and-tumble with corporals.”

“Not an English queen, Icelin.”

“Of course not, sir. We have always had a sense of proportion.”

“May I ask what that means?”

“The corporal is promoted.”

More, you say?!

The man,” said Crust indignantly, “was a sapphist and a nymphomaniac.”

“Must be an acrobat,” said Wingless.

“He means,” said Icelin, “sadist and erotomaniac.”

It does go on.

Imagine reading ninety pages of that just to read a better-than-fair horror story across the other twenty? This is not a critique, per se. There are lots of better-than-fair horror stories. I have written a few of them, myself. I just mean, literally imagine reading quote after quote like that and then every few pages having a check-in to remind you that this is a book about brutal murders? That's how this book rolls.

There is almost nothing else like it. Now we have lots of horror comedies who lampoon society while taking jabs at being serious horror. At least a few. But for that to also involve such a high brow smarmy smearing of British fascism and wastrel nobility? To just breathlessly hammer home every trope on loop so that people like Douglas Adams end up looking restrained? No, this is something unique to itself. A Jekyll/Hyde satire/horror book that is a Jekyll/Hyde style whodunit where the actual Jekyll and Hyde mostly concerned was Britain's own love of fascism. Or something to that effect.

OH! Almost forgot this bit. The entire reason I found this novel was because I was researching the anecdote that Agatha Christie gives us at the start of The Murder on the Links, the one about "Hell, said the Duchess" (the eagle-eyed amongst you might realize where this is going). It looks like that was some sort of running in-joke about up-and-coming writers trying to get attention. That Arlen, who had unfortunately written a very successful novel and then been on a downward slope by this time, took that joke and just ran with it is kind of amazing to me. Is this ultimately an angry attack on the reading public? I have no idea.

I am glad he wrote it, though. And I am glad it stopped at this one.

By the way, the duchess never says, "Hell" in the whole novel. A web of lies, I tell you.

[Heidi Fogelberg · Rating 3 out of 5]

Published between the first and second world wars, this is essentially a satirical social comedy with a demonic serial killer and Scotland Yard in pursuit as the extremely loose narrative thread binding together the wisps of humor and archly rendered spoofs of high society, literary detectives, and the Lost Generation. It's a very odd book, which works in some ways and nearly works in others, but is very uneven and probably not for more modern tastes, generally. It ends up being fairly flimsy overall.

[Malum · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some interesting bits and pieces here and there, especially considering when it was written. Overall, though, I found this to be a slog, even at its short length.

[Nika · Rating 3 out of 5]

kind of a random ending, not the biggest fan of that, but the rest of the story is very promising and i enjoy the writing style which is very classic bri ish detective story

[Elena · Rating 4 out of 5]

“I am nameless. I am soulless. I am eternal”

[Brian · Rating 4 out of 5]

I can't remember why I shelved it or what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't that.

[John Eastridge · Rating 5 out of 5]

Grade: B+ “Very Good”