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I Think You're Wrong (But I'm Listening): A Guide to Grace-Filled Political Conversations
More than ever, politics seems driven by conflict and anger. People sitting together in pews every Sunday have started to feel like strangers, loved ones at the dinner table like enemies. Toxic political dialogue, hate-filled rants on social media, and agenda-driven news stories have become the new norm. It’s exhausting, and it’s too much.
In I Think You’re Wrong (But I’m Listening), two working moms from opposite ends of the political spectrum contend that there is a better way. They believe that we can choose to respect the dignity of every person, choose to recognize that issues are nuanced and can’t be reduced to political talking points, choose to listen in order to understand, choose gentleness and patience.
Sarah from the left and Beth from the right invite those looking for something better than the status quo to pull up a chair and listen to the principles, insights, and practical tools they have learned hosting their fast-growing podcast Pantsuit Politics. As impossible as it might seem, people from opposing political perspectives truly can have calm, grace-filled conversations with one another—by putting relationship before policy and understanding before argument.
In I Think You’re Wrong (But I’m Listening), two working moms from opposite ends of the political spectrum contend that there is a better way. They believe that we can choose to respect the dignity of every person, choose to recognize that issues are nuanced and can’t be reduced to political talking points, choose to listen in order to understand, choose gentleness and patience.
Sarah from the left and Beth from the right invite those looking for something better than the status quo to pull up a chair and listen to the principles, insights, and practical tools they have learned hosting their fast-growing podcast Pantsuit Politics. As impossible as it might seem, people from opposing political perspectives truly can have calm, grace-filled conversations with one another—by putting relationship before policy and understanding before argument.
205 pages, Hardcover
First published February 5, 2019
666 people are currently reading
9076 people want to read
About the author
Sarah Stewart Holland
5 books256 followersBefore turning to the mic as the cohost of the political podcast Pantsuit Politics, Sarah wrote about parenting and politics on her blog bluegrass redhead. Her writing has also been published in the Atlantic, Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, and BlogHer.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 947 reviews
June 14, 2019
In all fairness, I only read about half of this book. While I appreciated some of their comments, their foundation was far too weak and their insights far too common to justify continued reading. The authors cite their Christian faith as their inspiration, but offer nothing beyond out-of-context verses, culturally vogue words, and Kumbaya. Example: They briefly relate the parable of building on sand vs. building on rock (Matthew 7:24-27), but alter the meaning entirely. Rather than the rock being Christ and his words, as it literally says in the verse, the rock is interpreted as "your own values," whatever they may be. (Everyone's values are equally valid, BTW). Later on, they define "the grace of God" as God inviting us all to a big party known as life on Planet Earth. It was at that point that I closed the book and decided to use my time a bit more wisely. After writing this review, of course.
Bottom line: A few good points, but overall mush. Not really worth your time.
Bottom line: A few good points, but overall mush. Not really worth your time.
June 1, 2019
Oh man I wanted to love this. The premise is so great. Their ideas for kind and curious dialogue are so great. But the whole premise of the book assumes that all sides are able and willing to adopt nuance (which I think we all desperately need) and there is VERY little here about how to deal with the obstinance that is completely pervasive. And so the book ended up feeling like I was being lectured on how to pacify people who truly think facts don’t matter. I just... don’t think that further normalizing that will help. So while these ladies seem lovely and their ideas (in theory!) are absolutely what our country needs, I just don’t find this very practical or helpful right now, it mostly just made me feel crabby. But I appreciate that they wrote it. I dream of the day when this can be our world again.
December 30, 2018
This book should be required reading for every elected official, and every person registering to vote.
But, much like their podcast, this book only really uses politics as the basis for discussion on how to human. So even if your aren’t a policy wonk or political junkie, this book has something for you to help you relate better to others on the hardest, most important things in life.
But, much like their podcast, this book only really uses politics as the basis for discussion on how to human. So even if your aren’t a policy wonk or political junkie, this book has something for you to help you relate better to others on the hardest, most important things in life.
November 8, 2022
Sarah Stewart Holland and Beth Silvers, hosts of a popular podcast, discuss the importance of engaging in meaningful political discussions with those who don't agree with your political views.
In an age when most of us shy away from political conversations, this book encourages the reader to engage with friends and family members on opposite sides of the aisle--and provides helpful techniques for doing so.
This book is a great resource for anyone who wishes to have worthwhile dialog about politics rather than remaining within their own echo chamber. – Stacie W.
In an age when most of us shy away from political conversations, this book encourages the reader to engage with friends and family members on opposite sides of the aisle--and provides helpful techniques for doing so.
This book is a great resource for anyone who wishes to have worthwhile dialog about politics rather than remaining within their own echo chamber. – Stacie W.
May 11, 2020
I was lucky enough to read an advanced copy of this book and I cannot wait until it enters the world. Beth Silvers and Sarah Stewart Holland have reminded us that talking politics shouldn't be taboo because it is all about living in community with one another. Please go pre-order this book for yourself and all the people in your life that you've avoided talking politics with because in the words of Beth and Sarah, we've all "changed 'you shouldn't talk politics' to 'you should only talk to people who reinforce your worldview.'" This book will help change that.
*~*~*~*
Reread the finished copy in April/May 2020 for a virtual book club. The one thing I will say that is a fair criticism of the book is that it centers Christianity and that could be a turn-off for those who don't identify as Christian. However... let's be real. People who identify as Christian are the ones who need to read this book the most since we have so many people in this country who call themselves Christian with not only incredibly problematic political views, but cloak their white privilege in their Christianity and call it "civility" when they refuse to talk about politics. We NEED to talk about politics. We just need to learn HOW. Otherwise our country will never heal. And we are at an incredibly divisive and contentious time right now that we just can't ignore by burying our heads in the sand. While we're busy burying our heads in the sand, why don't we also work on digging out the roots of the anger, hurt, and contention that we are feeling and talk to each other like human beings worthy of grace and love instead of "walking ideologies" as Beth and Sarah say in the book.
*~*~*~*
Reread the finished copy in April/May 2020 for a virtual book club. The one thing I will say that is a fair criticism of the book is that it centers Christianity and that could be a turn-off for those who don't identify as Christian. However... let's be real. People who identify as Christian are the ones who need to read this book the most since we have so many people in this country who call themselves Christian with not only incredibly problematic political views, but cloak their white privilege in their Christianity and call it "civility" when they refuse to talk about politics. We NEED to talk about politics. We just need to learn HOW. Otherwise our country will never heal. And we are at an incredibly divisive and contentious time right now that we just can't ignore by burying our heads in the sand. While we're busy burying our heads in the sand, why don't we also work on digging out the roots of the anger, hurt, and contention that we are feeling and talk to each other like human beings worthy of grace and love instead of "walking ideologies" as Beth and Sarah say in the book.
September 29, 2020
Update: just completed a month-long buddy-read read-along (how many hyphens can I fit in here?) with 120ish bookstagram friends! So excellent to get to process this with others.
This book has all the right stuff. Sarah and Beth already captured my attention with their fantastic podcast. I have learned so much through listening to these two brilliant and nuanced women chat twice a week. But this book? This book takes it to the next level. I got to pre-read it as an ARC, but true story: I went and ordered a paper copy as soon as i finished it, because I know I'll want one to re-read and mark up and highlight and answer questions in, especially over the coming year as the primaries get started.
Each chapter of this book takes us deep into examining ourselves, our motives, our stances, our prejudices. We get to dive deep into controversial topics, we get to see it play out in real life conversations shared with nuance and love. It's really, truly fabulous. I will certainly be buying this for friends and family in the coming year as well. ❤
This book has all the right stuff. Sarah and Beth already captured my attention with their fantastic podcast. I have learned so much through listening to these two brilliant and nuanced women chat twice a week. But this book? This book takes it to the next level. I got to pre-read it as an ARC, but true story: I went and ordered a paper copy as soon as i finished it, because I know I'll want one to re-read and mark up and highlight and answer questions in, especially over the coming year as the primaries get started.
Each chapter of this book takes us deep into examining ourselves, our motives, our stances, our prejudices. We get to dive deep into controversial topics, we get to see it play out in real life conversations shared with nuance and love. It's really, truly fabulous. I will certainly be buying this for friends and family in the coming year as well. ❤
January 23, 2019
This book so far gives serious food-for-thought for engaging in those awkward conversations with people you know can be combative. I've used ideas presented by the authors successfully in a couple of discussions.
We all don't have to agree on everything. There are absolutely places where I will not budge my convictions, but seeing both sides can help break our ideological logjams and find some middle ground. That's a solid place to start to getting this country back on track.
We all don't have to agree on everything. There are absolutely places where I will not budge my convictions, but seeing both sides can help break our ideological logjams and find some middle ground. That's a solid place to start to getting this country back on track.
February 10, 2019
In this well-written guide, Sarah and Beth broach ways we can communicate respectfully while discussing critical issues. Instead of being instantly combative, we can listen and empathize. Try to understand rather than insult. We are not enemies, we are citizens. We are capable of having respectful conversations, even if we disagree, and still be civil. The reminder that our differences are not more important than our similarities had a profound effect on me. And while the faith pieces do not apply to me personally, the overall message here is one for all humans.
May 14, 2019
If you have any interest in America as an entity right now you should probably read I Think You’re Wrong (But I’m Listening): A Guide to Grace-Filled Political Conversations. Don’t worry it’s short and fast. It’s part how-to manual and part open discussion of some of the issues plaguing the political divide right now. Only two people with this kind of respect for each other and themselves could have written this book.
I know it is so necessary right now. I don’t believe it could have been written or released right after Trump was elected because I think some of us needed to get some anger off our chests first. Now, most of us have calmed down enough to realize that we can’t keep going down this road and we’re sick of people just fighting on party lines. It’s exhausting and it’s not constructive in the slightest.
Sarah and Beth are also writing in the hope that people will realize their need to educate themselves. Not just on what an issue means now, but on what it meant when it began and what it can mean in the future. They tackled some hot-button issues and opened them up a little bit without making them the entire basis of the book or chapter.
There was a Christian slant to the writing, but not in an annoying or pushy way. Both writers acknowledge that many people reading their work will not be Christians, but because their faith means so much to them they don’t feel that they could have written the book without including it. And I think it’s an important inclusion simply due to the fact that the book is about not being argumentative and angry or to stop listening just because you disagree with some of what a person is saying. For that reason I not only kept reading the book but I chose not to skip over the Christian specific moments. No, I’m not converted, but I’m also not angry with them for including this side of themselves in what must have been a very personal book to write.
Each chapter is built around a specific tip the pair would like people to try and each one ended with some homework that is meant to expand the reader’s viewpoint on any number of issues. I can openly admit here that I did not in fact try all of these homework assignments though I’m sure the ones I skipped would have been as ...
for the full review please visit https://www.literarydragonreviews.web...
I know it is so necessary right now. I don’t believe it could have been written or released right after Trump was elected because I think some of us needed to get some anger off our chests first. Now, most of us have calmed down enough to realize that we can’t keep going down this road and we’re sick of people just fighting on party lines. It’s exhausting and it’s not constructive in the slightest.
Sarah and Beth are also writing in the hope that people will realize their need to educate themselves. Not just on what an issue means now, but on what it meant when it began and what it can mean in the future. They tackled some hot-button issues and opened them up a little bit without making them the entire basis of the book or chapter.
There was a Christian slant to the writing, but not in an annoying or pushy way. Both writers acknowledge that many people reading their work will not be Christians, but because their faith means so much to them they don’t feel that they could have written the book without including it. And I think it’s an important inclusion simply due to the fact that the book is about not being argumentative and angry or to stop listening just because you disagree with some of what a person is saying. For that reason I not only kept reading the book but I chose not to skip over the Christian specific moments. No, I’m not converted, but I’m also not angry with them for including this side of themselves in what must have been a very personal book to write.
Each chapter is built around a specific tip the pair would like people to try and each one ended with some homework that is meant to expand the reader’s viewpoint on any number of issues. I can openly admit here that I did not in fact try all of these homework assignments though I’m sure the ones I skipped would have been as ...
for the full review please visit https://www.literarydragonreviews.web...
January 6, 2019
I received an advanced reader copy of this book. I believe the books content and encouragement toward nuance in political conversations is important and necessary. They had good pointers along the way of how to practice what they are talking about and questions to get you thinking. I enjoyed the specific examples of how they approached political topics and what they learned throughout the process. The chapter on getting out of your echo chamber seemed especially helpful. I think many people will find this book challenging and very helpful.
My disclaimers following the reasons I liked but didn't love this book: 1. I haven't listened to their podcast. 2. I've only recently been more interested in politics and have never found myself needing to identify with a political team. (The idea of taking off your team Jersey was discussed often in the book) 3. I found the stuff about God/faith surprising, but maybe I wouldn't have if I had listened to the podcast more regularly. 4. I live in grey, and not often black and white so the idea of nuance gaining momentum is exciting to me but not something new to me personally.
All that being said, I found the book often repetitive which made some of the chapters seem slow and hard to get through. Much of what was being shared seemed like common sense, but clearly isn't due to the divisiveness of our political climate, and for that I'm thankful that they are putting it out into the world. Many, if not all, of the questions to get you thinking at the end of the book had a biblical foundation and my relationship with the Bible is rocky right now so I had wished that the questions would reach a wider audience. The authors do note that their faith is important to them and they had struggled with whether or not to include it in the book and podcast which I appreciated them sharing. Overall, I still learned some from this book and am hopeful for the kind of positive change to political conversations and action it may spark.
My disclaimers following the reasons I liked but didn't love this book: 1. I haven't listened to their podcast. 2. I've only recently been more interested in politics and have never found myself needing to identify with a political team. (The idea of taking off your team Jersey was discussed often in the book) 3. I found the stuff about God/faith surprising, but maybe I wouldn't have if I had listened to the podcast more regularly. 4. I live in grey, and not often black and white so the idea of nuance gaining momentum is exciting to me but not something new to me personally.
All that being said, I found the book often repetitive which made some of the chapters seem slow and hard to get through. Much of what was being shared seemed like common sense, but clearly isn't due to the divisiveness of our political climate, and for that I'm thankful that they are putting it out into the world. Many, if not all, of the questions to get you thinking at the end of the book had a biblical foundation and my relationship with the Bible is rocky right now so I had wished that the questions would reach a wider audience. The authors do note that their faith is important to them and they had struggled with whether or not to include it in the book and podcast which I appreciated them sharing. Overall, I still learned some from this book and am hopeful for the kind of positive change to political conversations and action it may spark.
August 16, 2024
Do you feel, as I do, deeply frustrated with the lack of civil talk in our democracy? Sarah Stewart Holland and Beth A. Silvers felt the same way. Both Sarah and Beth are trained as lawyers, and both are now focusing their energies on raising their young children, and they remind us that they are not experts but simply citizens who love discussing issues, but they have come together to create a podcast where important issues in American can be talked about in a civil fashion. Sarah comes from the left, and Beth comes from the right, and this is their attempt to share what they have learned from taking on this very important task.
I feel like I have been looking for this book for several years now. I want everyone to read it (or listen to it, as that's what I did) but I'm not sure it will hit everyone as hard as it did me. Beth and Sarah are women; would men find this book as helpful as I did? And both Beth and Sarah are Christians; again I wonder if that would put some off the book.
But I enjoyed it so much that I looked to see if I could find a text of the book available at the library (no) or at Amazon (yes, and it was part of Amazon Prime---hurray!) I think I will read it again, in print this time, and this time I will take notes, and I will try some of the strategies the two share.
I feel like I have been looking for this book for several years now. I want everyone to read it (or listen to it, as that's what I did) but I'm not sure it will hit everyone as hard as it did me. Beth and Sarah are women; would men find this book as helpful as I did? And both Beth and Sarah are Christians; again I wonder if that would put some off the book.
But I enjoyed it so much that I looked to see if I could find a text of the book available at the library (no) or at Amazon (yes, and it was part of Amazon Prime---hurray!) I think I will read it again, in print this time, and this time I will take notes, and I will try some of the strategies the two share.
dnf
November 22, 2019DNF at 30%. Really silly. “The founding fathers had friendly cordial debate, so can we!” Yeah, they were like 99% the same- white, educated, wealthy, British, men (and even they still had to end things with a duel sometimes). That’s nothing like the situation with today’s political foes who often times have little to no common ground. So, no, it’s not odd political parties don’t interact like the founding fathers did.
June 30, 2019
I was excited about reading this book. America has lost its love of civil discourse, and I hoped to learn useful ways to examine all sides (there are almost certainly more than two) and dig deeper into national issues. We aren't solving our problems by insulting each other, refusing to listen, and insisting on 'my way or the highway.'
Some parts of this book are great for working toward this goal. They offer tips on questions to ask, how to respond to confrontational comments with grace, and feeling empathy for those one doesn't agree with. While not all of this was entirely new, it was encouraging to feel like there just might be a few more people out there more interested in finding solutions than taking sides.
Which brings me to my biggest problem with the book. Sarah and Beth claim to come from opposing sides of the political aisle, but most of the examples they give supporting a specific political stance are left leaning. For example, multiple pages in more than one chapter are devoted to making the case for abortion. I was disappointed to realize that this book does not offer the balancing of 'both sides' that was my entire purpose for reading it. (I have not listened to their podcast, so maybe they come across more evenly to listeners.)
My only other issue is that the book is written in an odd style that refers to both authors as if they are not the one writing but then uses 'we' when referring to them both, so it's filled with lines like 'Sarah thinks this and Beth thinks that but we believe....' I think there are many good tips on sharing good conversation, tackling complex issues, and appreciating opposing points-of-view in this book, but I can not recommend it as highly as I had hoped I might.
Some parts of this book are great for working toward this goal. They offer tips on questions to ask, how to respond to confrontational comments with grace, and feeling empathy for those one doesn't agree with. While not all of this was entirely new, it was encouraging to feel like there just might be a few more people out there more interested in finding solutions than taking sides.
Which brings me to my biggest problem with the book. Sarah and Beth claim to come from opposing sides of the political aisle, but most of the examples they give supporting a specific political stance are left leaning. For example, multiple pages in more than one chapter are devoted to making the case for abortion. I was disappointed to realize that this book does not offer the balancing of 'both sides' that was my entire purpose for reading it. (I have not listened to their podcast, so maybe they come across more evenly to listeners.)
My only other issue is that the book is written in an odd style that refers to both authors as if they are not the one writing but then uses 'we' when referring to them both, so it's filled with lines like 'Sarah thinks this and Beth thinks that but we believe....' I think there are many good tips on sharing good conversation, tackling complex issues, and appreciating opposing points-of-view in this book, but I can not recommend it as highly as I had hoped I might.
December 27, 2018
I was lucky enough to receive an advance copy of this book. The authors are the hosts of the podcast Pantsuit Politics. “Sarah from the left” and “Beth from the right” give us very timely reminders in this book. Reminders like:
- It IS ok to discuss politics
- It IS ok to voice your opinion on polarizing issues.
- It IS ok to disagree with someone politically and still respect them as a human being.
Beth and Sarah also remind us that politics is not the team sport we tend to see it as. It is not ideal to blindly follow anyone, let alone a political party. Adopting a “team” mentality only furthers the “us vs. them” attitude that will only bring harm to our nation, our neighborhoods and our families.
I appreciated the points of view expressed in this book, and look forward to applying their approach to grace-filled political conversations in my own life.
- It IS ok to discuss politics
- It IS ok to voice your opinion on polarizing issues.
- It IS ok to disagree with someone politically and still respect them as a human being.
Beth and Sarah also remind us that politics is not the team sport we tend to see it as. It is not ideal to blindly follow anyone, let alone a political party. Adopting a “team” mentality only furthers the “us vs. them” attitude that will only bring harm to our nation, our neighborhoods and our families.
I appreciated the points of view expressed in this book, and look forward to applying their approach to grace-filled political conversations in my own life.
January 24, 2019
I'm so grateful for this book. Yes, it's a guide for how to have more productive political conversations, but it's more than that. It guides you through examining yourself and your motives. It challenges you to rethink assumptions, embrace curiosity, and "get comfortable with being uncomfortable." It's given me a new way to think about myself and others, and a new way to think about and approach politics and political engagement. I especially appreciate the way Sarah and Beth demonstrate the principles they outline through taking deep dives into social and political issues. They write with honesty, grace, and humor. I'm looking forward to rereading it and putting the principles into practice.
May 4, 2020
Before explaining my reaction to this book, I should provide a little personal context. On the political spectrum, I place myself somewhere between moderate and progressive, and I’m a lifelong Democrat.
There have been twelve presidents in my lifetime, and I have either studied or hold vivid memories of eleven of them. Of those eleven, there are five Democrats and six Republicans. Even though I’m a Democrat, I have areas of disagreement or disappointment with Presidents Kennedy, Johnson, Carter, Clinton, and Obama. Even though I’m a Democrat, I can think of admirable qualities in Presidents Nixon, Ford, Reagan, Bush I, and Bush II. In other words, I don’t think I’m guilty of blind allegiance to one political party.
For example, in 2016 I voted for Hillary Clinton, but I understand why some people couldn’t do that. She was not an ideal candidate, but in my opinion, she was the best choice. I’m not one who says President Trump is an illegitimate president. Despite losing the popular vote, Donald Trump won the election because of the electoral college. That’s how the American election system has always worked. Russian interference clearly took place in the election, but there is no evidence that it changed the outcome. We can’t blame the Trump presidency on the Russians.
Although my point of view tends to align more closely with the Democratic party, I can name some Democrats on the current political scene who frequently cause me to roll my eyes, and there are some prominent Republicans who I consider good people. Donald Trump is not one of them. I have never had a single moment of admiration for Donald Trump, and I consider him to be a shallow, unstable narcissist who is incompetent at leadership and governance.
Nevertheless, I have friends and relatives who are fervent Trump supporters, and I have friends and relatives who voted for Trump but won’t vote to re-elect him. Those friends and relatives are good people with whom I have political disagreements, but our relationships are more than just our politics.
So there is the political point of view I brought to I Think You’re Wrong (But I’m Listening) by Sarah Stewart Holland and Beth Silvers, hosts of the bipartisan “Pantsuit Politics” podcast. Holland and Silvers represent different ends of the political continuum. Holland identifies as a conservative Republican, and Silvers is a progressive Democrat. Their book provides strategies for those who disagree with one another about politics but seek the balance necessary to repair our fractured democracy. This book recommends regarding everyone with respect and grace, searching for common ground, and—most importantly—understanding the nuances of even the most divisive political issues. Holland and Silvers do not want anyone to abandon their passions but to inform those passions with a clear understanding of the personal values fueling them.
That all sounds really good. But I just can’t.
These strategies seem like worthwhile approaches to most political discourse, with the possible exception of those involving religion. (Bipartisan government is based on compromise; religion is based on not compromising. When politics and religion mix, middle ground is hard to achieve.) While it’s easy for me to respect my friends and relatives who support Donald Trump, I don’t respect Trump himself. While I’ve found that being empathetic and seeking common ground are excellent problem-solving approaches in many areas of conflict and communication, when it comes to Donald Trump, I can’t summon whatever it is takes to extend respect and grace.
I Think You’re Wrong (But I’m Listening) is worthwhile reading. It tells us that we don’t need to have our political megaphone on level ten at all times; sometimes it’s OK to have it on level two. Holland and Silvers also remind us that it’s OK to not engage with every political social media post we see, and when we do engage, maybe it’s better to ask a question rather than blast away. All of their ideas and advice are reasonable.
I’m glad my friend B. recommended this book, and I’m glad I read it. It holds out the hope that our divided country can be made better if we all just try a little harder to see each other’s point of view. I can empathize with other perspectives, seek fuller understanding of issues, and engage with those who have different opinions by offering larger measures of respect and grace. When it comes to Donald Trump though, I’m not there yet, and I Think You’re Wrong (But I’m Listening) couldn’t close that gap.
There have been twelve presidents in my lifetime, and I have either studied or hold vivid memories of eleven of them. Of those eleven, there are five Democrats and six Republicans. Even though I’m a Democrat, I have areas of disagreement or disappointment with Presidents Kennedy, Johnson, Carter, Clinton, and Obama. Even though I’m a Democrat, I can think of admirable qualities in Presidents Nixon, Ford, Reagan, Bush I, and Bush II. In other words, I don’t think I’m guilty of blind allegiance to one political party.
For example, in 2016 I voted for Hillary Clinton, but I understand why some people couldn’t do that. She was not an ideal candidate, but in my opinion, she was the best choice. I’m not one who says President Trump is an illegitimate president. Despite losing the popular vote, Donald Trump won the election because of the electoral college. That’s how the American election system has always worked. Russian interference clearly took place in the election, but there is no evidence that it changed the outcome. We can’t blame the Trump presidency on the Russians.
Although my point of view tends to align more closely with the Democratic party, I can name some Democrats on the current political scene who frequently cause me to roll my eyes, and there are some prominent Republicans who I consider good people. Donald Trump is not one of them. I have never had a single moment of admiration for Donald Trump, and I consider him to be a shallow, unstable narcissist who is incompetent at leadership and governance.
Nevertheless, I have friends and relatives who are fervent Trump supporters, and I have friends and relatives who voted for Trump but won’t vote to re-elect him. Those friends and relatives are good people with whom I have political disagreements, but our relationships are more than just our politics.
So there is the political point of view I brought to I Think You’re Wrong (But I’m Listening) by Sarah Stewart Holland and Beth Silvers, hosts of the bipartisan “Pantsuit Politics” podcast. Holland and Silvers represent different ends of the political continuum. Holland identifies as a conservative Republican, and Silvers is a progressive Democrat. Their book provides strategies for those who disagree with one another about politics but seek the balance necessary to repair our fractured democracy. This book recommends regarding everyone with respect and grace, searching for common ground, and—most importantly—understanding the nuances of even the most divisive political issues. Holland and Silvers do not want anyone to abandon their passions but to inform those passions with a clear understanding of the personal values fueling them.
That all sounds really good. But I just can’t.
These strategies seem like worthwhile approaches to most political discourse, with the possible exception of those involving religion. (Bipartisan government is based on compromise; religion is based on not compromising. When politics and religion mix, middle ground is hard to achieve.) While it’s easy for me to respect my friends and relatives who support Donald Trump, I don’t respect Trump himself. While I’ve found that being empathetic and seeking common ground are excellent problem-solving approaches in many areas of conflict and communication, when it comes to Donald Trump, I can’t summon whatever it is takes to extend respect and grace.
I Think You’re Wrong (But I’m Listening) is worthwhile reading. It tells us that we don’t need to have our political megaphone on level ten at all times; sometimes it’s OK to have it on level two. Holland and Silvers also remind us that it’s OK to not engage with every political social media post we see, and when we do engage, maybe it’s better to ask a question rather than blast away. All of their ideas and advice are reasonable.
I’m glad my friend B. recommended this book, and I’m glad I read it. It holds out the hope that our divided country can be made better if we all just try a little harder to see each other’s point of view. I can empathize with other perspectives, seek fuller understanding of issues, and engage with those who have different opinions by offering larger measures of respect and grace. When it comes to Donald Trump though, I’m not there yet, and I Think You’re Wrong (But I’m Listening) couldn’t close that gap.
November 13, 2020
I had heard such great things about this book and I so wanted to like it. But sadly it didn’t quite hit the mark for me personally. I haven’t ever listened to the author’s podcast so I have no affinity for them and therefore no emotions are invested.
My main critique of the book is that it was elementary. Simple concepts like how our brains work with what we perceive as “enemies”, biases and prejudices, etc. is peppered throughout the book in relation to whatever political policy or issues the authors “debate” (that is loosely termed because they are extremely respectful and forgiving to each other). But much of those concepts about how brains work, I’ve read before and therefore already utilize in my present world. I think for the average person who has possibly never read anything similar to this or isn’t perhaps self-aware, this would be a fabulous starting place! I already live in the “grey” (not black and white) and the idea of having nuance is nothing new to me.
Saying that takes me to this: I thought this book was about HOW to talk to family and friends with whom I disagree. I thought there would be formulas for debating and tips to make a conversation more smooth. But no. This mostly gives generalized information about how our brains work and what each “side” thinks about specific policy issues.
Also I believe that the premise of the book assumes that both sides are willing to talk, able to be empathetic, and actually have a conversation. But that is simply NOT the case with so many people. How do you even get people who oppose you to talk to you? Assuming you’re new to discussing politics and/or you’re trying to be more emphatic and nuanced, this is a great book.
I think these ladies are doing some great and helpful work for what our very violent and divided country needs right now. But for as divided and violent as we are, I don’t think this book is very helpful or practical. This book assumes that people are able and willing to talk “across the aisle”. But I”m just not seeing that in our current political and social atmosphere. I totally believe the content and encouragement toward a nuanced conversation is important and necessary though, so this book could be helpful for the right person.
My main critique of the book is that it was elementary. Simple concepts like how our brains work with what we perceive as “enemies”, biases and prejudices, etc. is peppered throughout the book in relation to whatever political policy or issues the authors “debate” (that is loosely termed because they are extremely respectful and forgiving to each other). But much of those concepts about how brains work, I’ve read before and therefore already utilize in my present world. I think for the average person who has possibly never read anything similar to this or isn’t perhaps self-aware, this would be a fabulous starting place! I already live in the “grey” (not black and white) and the idea of having nuance is nothing new to me.
Saying that takes me to this: I thought this book was about HOW to talk to family and friends with whom I disagree. I thought there would be formulas for debating and tips to make a conversation more smooth. But no. This mostly gives generalized information about how our brains work and what each “side” thinks about specific policy issues.
Also I believe that the premise of the book assumes that both sides are willing to talk, able to be empathetic, and actually have a conversation. But that is simply NOT the case with so many people. How do you even get people who oppose you to talk to you? Assuming you’re new to discussing politics and/or you’re trying to be more emphatic and nuanced, this is a great book.
I think these ladies are doing some great and helpful work for what our very violent and divided country needs right now. But for as divided and violent as we are, I don’t think this book is very helpful or practical. This book assumes that people are able and willing to talk “across the aisle”. But I”m just not seeing that in our current political and social atmosphere. I totally believe the content and encouragement toward a nuanced conversation is important and necessary though, so this book could be helpful for the right person.
January 13, 2020
I'll admit I was pretty disappointed by this book. It has some good ideas and encouragements, but it's written from a very deep place of privilege--two white women from Kentucky. As my best friend wisely noted, both writers grew up in their respective parties, and I think it's important to include the large amount of people who grew up in conservative cultures and strayed away from them due to gaining critical thinking and reasoning skills. When you cross party lines, your perspective is enhanced.
I was particularly frustrated by one of the early chapters that insisted in the end, "it was just politics", that it wasn't the whole of someone. Yes, it might be "just politics" to two white women from Kentucky, but it's not to the people whose lives are endangered by these policy changes. It is intensely difficult to have a grace-filled conversation with someone who does not consider you human, in fact, it is often soul-killing.
I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater because there are good ideas here and I like especially their "primer" episodes, where they research purely fact-based content before their discussions. But I think the book as a whole disregards the fact that conservatives thrive on an electorate that chooses to stay uninformed and take in one media source. Believing that Democrats/liberals have the same kind of echo-chamber that Republicans do is ludicrous.
I was particularly frustrated by one of the early chapters that insisted in the end, "it was just politics", that it wasn't the whole of someone. Yes, it might be "just politics" to two white women from Kentucky, but it's not to the people whose lives are endangered by these policy changes. It is intensely difficult to have a grace-filled conversation with someone who does not consider you human, in fact, it is often soul-killing.
I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater because there are good ideas here and I like especially their "primer" episodes, where they research purely fact-based content before their discussions. But I think the book as a whole disregards the fact that conservatives thrive on an electorate that chooses to stay uninformed and take in one media source. Believing that Democrats/liberals have the same kind of echo-chamber that Republicans do is ludicrous.
January 21, 2019
I THINK THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT WE NEED. I've been vaguely interested in politics without feeling like I could talk about it in most situations and without feeling like I could escape the bubble of people who agree with me. Sarah & Beth are leading a whole movement of people who aren't afraid to talk about the controversial topics and aren't sacrificing their relationships to do it.
It's a joy to read and makes me feel hopeful that we can move past this stalemate of hyper-partisanship.
It's a joy to read and makes me feel hopeful that we can move past this stalemate of hyper-partisanship.
August 2, 2019
This book mainly just reinforced my hatred of talking politics. These women have lots of good points about how we should pursue nuance and grace in our conversations, and I agree that people need to get comfortable engaging with challenging conversations and issues, but the policy discussions in this book left MUCH to be desired. The authors kept using "I feel" as a substitute for "I think," and addressed profoundly complex issues in such brief, inadequate ways that I wish I could deface my library copy by writing into the margins some of the extremely important considerations, questions, and arguments that they completely glossed over before presenting their conclusions. I would not judge their podcast based on this experience, since I know that they have more time to be thorough there, but nothing about this book inspired me to listen to their other work. I loved the concept of "Sarah from the Left and Beth from the Right discuss politics together," but this book didn't live up to its premise at all.
On another note, it was difficult for me to decide whether or not I should put this book on my "Christian living" shelf, because the authors clearly didn't know who they were writing to. This book is from a Christian publisher, but because the authors wanted to be inclusive to anyone who might read this, they threw around vague references to love, grace, and Jesus without any robust theological justification for their messages, sacrificing the uniqueness of their perspective in hopes that other people could connect with their work. This is a mistake! It is always better to be your whole self, and let people take from your thoughts what they will, instead of watering down your message to make it more generalized and acceptable.
If these authors had committed to exploring "grace-filled political conversations" through the lens of their faith, this book would have been much more interesting, but instead, their faith is just a side-note to their own thoughts and experiences. When they do incorporate Scriptural principles, they often take them out of context, like when they encourage their readers to be like the good builder from Jesus's parable. I sarcastically paraphrase: "Don't build your house on shifting sand... Build it on the rock of your own subjective values!" HAHAHAHAH lol no thanks. Insights like these won't impress Christian readers who are already well-grounded in what the Bible teaches, and it also adds nothing of value for a secular reader, who won't even understand many of the references. The authors frequently refer to stories, quotations, and concepts from Scripture without explaining what they mean, and if a reader isn't already familiar with the Bible, they will sometimes have no idea what the authors are talking about. Even though they were trying to appeal to a wide range of readers, the book is by turns watered-down and inaccessible, and I don't know who would be the best audience for it.
This book mostly irritated me and made me want to scream, but fortunately, I have an alternative to recommend! Center-right economist Arthur Brooks has recently released the book Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save America from the Culture of Contempt, and in this delightful, entertaining, often moving work, he provides a road map for readers who want to engage in grace-filled political conversations in our divided culture. He makes all of the same valuable points that this book does, and he also makes many far better ones, because he spends all of his time developing and working out the implications of a single thesis, instead of infuriating his readers with oversimplified, poorly conveyed political arguments.
Brooks draws from psychological research, social science, human experience, and religious teaching throughout his book, making a powerful argument for why political contempt is so detrimental to our lives, relationships, and democracy. It's an inspiring book, particularly because the author incorporates Christian teaching into his secular writing without misusing Scripture or alienating non-religious readers. Love Your Enemies is a stirring call to moral living and love in the midst of a challenging political climate, and even though it is written by a man and lacks the uniqueness of this book's dual female authorship, it's actually a good book, and this is most certainly not.
On another note, it was difficult for me to decide whether or not I should put this book on my "Christian living" shelf, because the authors clearly didn't know who they were writing to. This book is from a Christian publisher, but because the authors wanted to be inclusive to anyone who might read this, they threw around vague references to love, grace, and Jesus without any robust theological justification for their messages, sacrificing the uniqueness of their perspective in hopes that other people could connect with their work. This is a mistake! It is always better to be your whole self, and let people take from your thoughts what they will, instead of watering down your message to make it more generalized and acceptable.
If these authors had committed to exploring "grace-filled political conversations" through the lens of their faith, this book would have been much more interesting, but instead, their faith is just a side-note to their own thoughts and experiences. When they do incorporate Scriptural principles, they often take them out of context, like when they encourage their readers to be like the good builder from Jesus's parable. I sarcastically paraphrase: "Don't build your house on shifting sand... Build it on the rock of your own subjective values!" HAHAHAHAH lol no thanks. Insights like these won't impress Christian readers who are already well-grounded in what the Bible teaches, and it also adds nothing of value for a secular reader, who won't even understand many of the references. The authors frequently refer to stories, quotations, and concepts from Scripture without explaining what they mean, and if a reader isn't already familiar with the Bible, they will sometimes have no idea what the authors are talking about. Even though they were trying to appeal to a wide range of readers, the book is by turns watered-down and inaccessible, and I don't know who would be the best audience for it.
This book mostly irritated me and made me want to scream, but fortunately, I have an alternative to recommend! Center-right economist Arthur Brooks has recently released the book Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save America from the Culture of Contempt, and in this delightful, entertaining, often moving work, he provides a road map for readers who want to engage in grace-filled political conversations in our divided culture. He makes all of the same valuable points that this book does, and he also makes many far better ones, because he spends all of his time developing and working out the implications of a single thesis, instead of infuriating his readers with oversimplified, poorly conveyed political arguments.
Brooks draws from psychological research, social science, human experience, and religious teaching throughout his book, making a powerful argument for why political contempt is so detrimental to our lives, relationships, and democracy. It's an inspiring book, particularly because the author incorporates Christian teaching into his secular writing without misusing Scripture or alienating non-religious readers. Love Your Enemies is a stirring call to moral living and love in the midst of a challenging political climate, and even though it is written by a man and lacks the uniqueness of this book's dual female authorship, it's actually a good book, and this is most certainly not.
January 31, 2019
My first book of 2019 was a true revelation. Coming off a fraught midterm election season, and perhaps a holiday where you cringed at the thought of talking politics with your family, I’m here to tell you there is a better way. I genuinely think this is a must-read for everyone who has felt overwhelmed by how divided our country seems. It is a guide map for progress instead of gridlock.
I was given an advanced copy, but you can get your copy on its release day, February 5 or preorder it now. And if you’re feeling generous, you could send a copy to your representatives, who could absolutely stand to hear the message that their constituents are tired of conflict and are ready for conciliation. #imlisteningbook Pantsuit Politics
I was given an advanced copy, but you can get your copy on its release day, February 5 or preorder it now. And if you’re feeling generous, you could send a copy to your representatives, who could absolutely stand to hear the message that their constituents are tired of conflict and are ready for conciliation. #imlisteningbook Pantsuit Politics
April 28, 2019
3.5 stars...beyond that, I have to think for a little while before I write a longer review.
October 21, 2020
I really appreciated their insights. Very timely to read now with the contentious political climate around so many things right now.
January 31, 2019
This is how books on politics should be written. Yes, talk about the issues. But also yes, talk about HOW to talk about the issues. With dignity. With openness. With suggestions on how to listen to the other side.
If we could follow the advice given in this book about how to talk about politics, we would have much better conversations. And actions. And relationships. These are things that matter to all of us, regardless of which political jersey we wear.
My thanks to the publisher for the review copy of this book.
If we could follow the advice given in this book about how to talk about politics, we would have much better conversations. And actions. And relationships. These are things that matter to all of us, regardless of which political jersey we wear.
My thanks to the publisher for the review copy of this book.
October 1, 2022
I'm glad my friend Shannon mentioned this book as it introduced me to their podcast - Pantsuit Politics. The book (and podcast) are by two friends on "opposite" sides of political spectrum. I loved the introduction of nuance in politics and the encouragement that American politics is messy, yet you should still be active in it. I listened to the audiobook which was fine, but I'm glad to have this podcast on my list now. I look forward to having two unique (yet kind) voices to tune into and hear how they're processing the world we're in. I don't know that they actually gave many helpful tips (there were definitely some, but not many) so would say you could just tune into the podcast if their concept is interesting to you.
July 2, 2022
Although redundant in parts, this book is a great jumping off point for inner reflection on our own political viewpoints. Plus, an opportunity to evaluate our own openness to other viewpoints. It's the conversation I wish I could have - but often don't feel like I can.
March 25, 2019
This little book took me a solid two weeks to read, mainly because it made me think and examine my interactions in regards to politics.
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The truth is that I'm tired. I'm tired of the extremes found on both sides of the aisle. I'm tired of the villainizing of those with whom you don't agree. I'm tired of feeling like one of the few who tries to look at things from different angles. I'm tired of people not being able to see past a party label to really see who they are sending to represent them. I'm tired of those elected officials acting like children fighting over toys. I'm exhausted and disillusioned.
.
This book gives me some hope. 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝘀 𝗮 𝗯𝗼𝗼𝗸 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗽𝗿𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝗼𝗻𝗲'𝘀 𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗶𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗱𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘁𝗼 𝗮𝘁 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝘁 𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗻 𝘁𝗼 @pantsuitpolitics!
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It's time we all start having constructive, caring conversations and this is a good start to understand how we can go about doing that.
.
If you're willing to have a real, grace-filled conversation where you too are open to examining your ideas, then I'm game.
.
.
The truth is that I'm tired. I'm tired of the extremes found on both sides of the aisle. I'm tired of the villainizing of those with whom you don't agree. I'm tired of feeling like one of the few who tries to look at things from different angles. I'm tired of people not being able to see past a party label to really see who they are sending to represent them. I'm tired of those elected officials acting like children fighting over toys. I'm exhausted and disillusioned.
.
This book gives me some hope. 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝘀 𝗮 𝗯𝗼𝗼𝗸 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗽𝗿𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝗼𝗻𝗲'𝘀 𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗶𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗱𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘁𝗼 𝗮𝘁 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝘁 𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗻 𝘁𝗼 @pantsuitpolitics!
.
It's time we all start having constructive, caring conversations and this is a good start to understand how we can go about doing that.
.
If you're willing to have a real, grace-filled conversation where you too are open to examining your ideas, then I'm game.
.
April 30, 2022
This will be a book that I reference for the rest of my life. I come from a long line of “passionate” people, and I needed to learn how to have conversations rather than arguments. I am grateful that Beth and Sarah took the time and effort to write this book.
October 25, 2020
Last month I listened to an episode of my favorite podcast where the authors of this book (also the hosts of the Pantsuit Politics podcast) were guests to discuss how to have grace-filled political conversations with family and friends. The advice was so timely and helpful, and it left me wanting more.
I’m at the point in this election cycle where I feel totally fed up with politics, so I almost didn’t want to read this once I was finally first on the holds list. I’m glad I read it though, because it was so refreshing to hear issues rationally and respectfully discussed from both a Republican and a Democrat perspective, both acknowledging common ground rather than predictably defending the party’s talking points. I am looking forward to listening to some episodes of their podcast to hear more of this kind of political discussion.
Favorite quotes:
“With the endless diversity in creation, it is clear that God is not obsessed with uniformity. God does not desire uniformity, but unity. Unity is diversity embraced by an infinitely generous love” (part 1, chapter 2).
“Participating in the political process is a spiritual imperative, but we should participate as an expression of our faith, not as a fulfillment of our faith. In other words, faith or values should inform rather than define our votes, opinions, and ways of talking to our neighbors about the future of the country. When we’re participating, as Michael says, with our feet grounded in our values, there is no room for bitter partisanship” (part 1, chapter 2).
“We are what we practice, and in America, we have practiced bitter partisan debates, carried out in the most extreme terms possible, all framed in the context of a single question” (part 1, chapter 3).
“Michael Weir, who directed faith outreach for President Obama’s historic 2012 re-election campaign says ‘We have to believe, especially as people of faith, that we can come to equally faithful, yet different conclusions in politics and in the voting booth’” (part 2, chapter 5).
“While riding the metro, another young female intern overheard me and my friends debating the war on terror. Without so much as learning my name, this woman looked at me after I expressed my opposition to the war on terror and responded sincerely, ‘Well, that’s because you hate America.’ It’s an exchange I’ve never forgotten because it is so indicative of our instinct to insult instead of understand. Because we fail to fully investigate what’s in front of us, our politics have devolved from a contest of ideas to an arena that is dominated by emotions and reactions” (part 2, chapter 6).
The power of ‘and’:
“I know we see this issue differently AND our relationship is important to me” (part 2, chapter 7).
“The lesson for us is that we have the power to transform almost every aspect of our culture that doesn’t work today. School shootings are not inevitable, partisan gridlock is not predestined, mistrust in our government and other institutions is not part of the natural law. We can fix these things. Working together, we can build a future that makes us proud, and establishes a solid foundation for future generations. We’ve decided to stop calling America divided. Buying into this conflict-driven narrative is a choice, and it’s a choice we’re not going to make. We don’t feel divided from each other or the people in our lives in any way. There are no perfect relationships, ideas, people or organizations in our lives. They are all flawed. Just as we are flawed. But we see past those flaws because we are first looking for the good” (part 2, chapter 10).
I’m at the point in this election cycle where I feel totally fed up with politics, so I almost didn’t want to read this once I was finally first on the holds list. I’m glad I read it though, because it was so refreshing to hear issues rationally and respectfully discussed from both a Republican and a Democrat perspective, both acknowledging common ground rather than predictably defending the party’s talking points. I am looking forward to listening to some episodes of their podcast to hear more of this kind of political discussion.
Favorite quotes:
“With the endless diversity in creation, it is clear that God is not obsessed with uniformity. God does not desire uniformity, but unity. Unity is diversity embraced by an infinitely generous love” (part 1, chapter 2).
“Participating in the political process is a spiritual imperative, but we should participate as an expression of our faith, not as a fulfillment of our faith. In other words, faith or values should inform rather than define our votes, opinions, and ways of talking to our neighbors about the future of the country. When we’re participating, as Michael says, with our feet grounded in our values, there is no room for bitter partisanship” (part 1, chapter 2).
“We are what we practice, and in America, we have practiced bitter partisan debates, carried out in the most extreme terms possible, all framed in the context of a single question” (part 1, chapter 3).
“Michael Weir, who directed faith outreach for President Obama’s historic 2012 re-election campaign says ‘We have to believe, especially as people of faith, that we can come to equally faithful, yet different conclusions in politics and in the voting booth’” (part 2, chapter 5).
“While riding the metro, another young female intern overheard me and my friends debating the war on terror. Without so much as learning my name, this woman looked at me after I expressed my opposition to the war on terror and responded sincerely, ‘Well, that’s because you hate America.’ It’s an exchange I’ve never forgotten because it is so indicative of our instinct to insult instead of understand. Because we fail to fully investigate what’s in front of us, our politics have devolved from a contest of ideas to an arena that is dominated by emotions and reactions” (part 2, chapter 6).
The power of ‘and’:
“I know we see this issue differently AND our relationship is important to me” (part 2, chapter 7).
“The lesson for us is that we have the power to transform almost every aspect of our culture that doesn’t work today. School shootings are not inevitable, partisan gridlock is not predestined, mistrust in our government and other institutions is not part of the natural law. We can fix these things. Working together, we can build a future that makes us proud, and establishes a solid foundation for future generations. We’ve decided to stop calling America divided. Buying into this conflict-driven narrative is a choice, and it’s a choice we’re not going to make. We don’t feel divided from each other or the people in our lives in any way. There are no perfect relationships, ideas, people or organizations in our lives. They are all flawed. Just as we are flawed. But we see past those flaws because we are first looking for the good” (part 2, chapter 10).
January 3, 2021
Some parts of this book I found really helpful. Others felt like they were unclear of their root message/veering off track?
I will admit that sometimes I wanted this book to be more than it was. It is NOT a book that will help you talk to people who don’t agree what a true news source is or who don’t agree on some basic tenants of human dignity and rights. It WILL offer ways to potentially diffuse some social media tension or even some in person debates between more centrist people who happen to belong to different parties.
I will admit that sometimes I wanted this book to be more than it was. It is NOT a book that will help you talk to people who don’t agree what a true news source is or who don’t agree on some basic tenants of human dignity and rights. It WILL offer ways to potentially diffuse some social media tension or even some in person debates between more centrist people who happen to belong to different parties.
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