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Being Mean: A Memoir of Sexual Abuse and Survival
Being Mean is about learning how to acknowledge and live with incomprehensible experiences in the healthiest ways possible. Told in vignettes relative to markers of age and experience, Patricia Eagle reveals the heartbreak and destruction of sexual abuse, from age four to thirteen, by her father. Eagle uses dissociation and numbing in response to his abusive behavior, her mother’s complacency, and as a way to block her own sense of self.
How does a child come to know what is safe or unsafe, right or wrong, normal or abnormal? How does a young woman learn the difference between real love and a desire for sexual pleasure stimulated by abusive childhood sexual experiences? Careening through life, Eagle wonders how to trust others and, most importantly, herself. As a mature woman struggling to understand and live with her past, she remains earnest in her pursuit of clarity, compassion, and trust.
How does a child come to know what is safe or unsafe, right or wrong, normal or abnormal? How does a young woman learn the difference between real love and a desire for sexual pleasure stimulated by abusive childhood sexual experiences? Careening through life, Eagle wonders how to trust others and, most importantly, herself. As a mature woman struggling to understand and live with her past, she remains earnest in her pursuit of clarity, compassion, and trust.
328 pages, Paperback
Published June 11, 2019
13 people are currently reading
277 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews
July 16, 2019
It's always a little challenging to write reviews of memoirs. How can you rip apart someone's actual life? Patricia Eagle's experience as an incest survivor is obviously heartbreaking and tough to read about. I truly admire her strength and courage for being honest enough to write about her childhood. I felt the most connected to the chapters where she focuses on what life was like for her as a child (especially as she was trying to navigate a truly terrible home life). However, it was harder for me to follow the thread of the rest of her life story. The numerous career changes, partners, and locations made it all feel a little muddled (which is, I suppose, how her actual life felt). I wish that Eagle had written more about her experience with repressed memories, which not enough people are educated about. I think this might have helped her story have more of a common thread of how the abuse affected her decisions and life choices. I'm not a huge fan of memoirs that focus a lot on nature and people's connection to it either, so I might have been the wrong audience for this. Overall, this was an interesting memoir that didn't quite go the distance for me. Unfortunately, I never really felt the overwhelming pain and confusion that was alluded to in the book.
June 18, 2019
via my blog: https://bookstalkerblog.wordpress.com/
'What has been lived will never be erased, and possibly never be completely understood.'
Being Mean was a term as violent as a loaded gun in Patricia’s household. Her memories of her childhood and the sexual abuse she was subjected to by her father, enabled by her cold mother isn’t easy to stomach. It’s a society built on silence, the weapon isn’t used solely by abusers but entire families because to confront the horror of what is happening is to admit a sort of defeat and vileness in one’s own home. To the victim, particularly when it starts at a tender age, there is a traffic jam in the brain because how does a child understand what is happening to them when there is a chaos of confusion and conflicting feelings? Our bodies feel good, so is that bad if what is happening is something you both hate and enjoy? How do you measure normal with nothing to compare it to, until you’re old enough to witness what an easy, natural, harmless affection is between father and child?
How often, through stories of abuse survivors, do we hear that when the victim tried to tell their other parent or a trusted family member they were ‘smacked across the face’ or deemed a liar, a bad girl/boy? Worse, jealousy- a mother jealous of the affections given to her child, affections that violate every cell of the little girl’s being. How do you grow up and not act out or struggle with impulses? It isn’t unusual for a woman’s body to turn against her, with the reproductive organs. It seems we bury our emotions there, a silent graveyard of transgressions. You may dissociate psychologically but the body knows, and it will revolt.
If this were a movie of the week, Patricia would out her father and there would be a trial, he’d be shunned at some point, her mother would rally behind her. This is real life, and real life is crooked. She is a sick woman, she remembers wrong, she is making it up right? No way did her Daddy do that! The reckoning never truly comes, Patricia will struggle with the abuse memories and her love for both her parents her entire life. There isn’t a magic word or moment that suddenly heals all, because like she said “what has been lived will never be erased”, it rises to the surface within her relationships with herself, her body and others. How can you ever truly understand such abuse? Children blame themselves when a parent harms them, be it mentally or physically. In Patricia’s case, her father was abusive towards her mother, each parent had their own scars in life but does that excuse or explain enabling sexual abuse? Is his violence towards her mother a reason to ignore her little girl was being exploited?
In this violent home, it was easier to just keep the peace. Mommy knew and did nothing. There was “one last time” at the age of 13, Patricia had to block it out in order to build a life. College was her way out, the only escape. Sexual promiscuity, abortions, abusive relationships, a young marriage that feels like falling off a cliff, drugs to numb her mind and body, these are just more escapes labeled adventure. We journey alongside pivotal moments in her 65 years of life, and even find her caring for the very parents who sexually and emotionally abused her. Does her mother ever apologize for her own guilt or acknowledge the truth? What do you think? It takes a lot of strength and courage, and more forgiveness than I know I have in my heart to be the person Patricia is.
A raw, painful read. It is so difficult to be a witness to the early pages (memories) of the sexual acts, and not feel rage building within’ for every child who has ever suffered or is being abused right as you read this. I wish prayers were enough, they’re not, it takes action and those who love the child enough to protect and speak up. I can’t even count on both hands how many child abuse survivors I have met in my life, not even including those around me who know of children who have been abused by family members, strangers, partners of parents. Sometimes it feels like the real epidemic of our times. This is one victim’s story in a sea of many.
Available Now from She Writes Press
(Published June 11, 2019)
'What has been lived will never be erased, and possibly never be completely understood.'
Being Mean was a term as violent as a loaded gun in Patricia’s household. Her memories of her childhood and the sexual abuse she was subjected to by her father, enabled by her cold mother isn’t easy to stomach. It’s a society built on silence, the weapon isn’t used solely by abusers but entire families because to confront the horror of what is happening is to admit a sort of defeat and vileness in one’s own home. To the victim, particularly when it starts at a tender age, there is a traffic jam in the brain because how does a child understand what is happening to them when there is a chaos of confusion and conflicting feelings? Our bodies feel good, so is that bad if what is happening is something you both hate and enjoy? How do you measure normal with nothing to compare it to, until you’re old enough to witness what an easy, natural, harmless affection is between father and child?
How often, through stories of abuse survivors, do we hear that when the victim tried to tell their other parent or a trusted family member they were ‘smacked across the face’ or deemed a liar, a bad girl/boy? Worse, jealousy- a mother jealous of the affections given to her child, affections that violate every cell of the little girl’s being. How do you grow up and not act out or struggle with impulses? It isn’t unusual for a woman’s body to turn against her, with the reproductive organs. It seems we bury our emotions there, a silent graveyard of transgressions. You may dissociate psychologically but the body knows, and it will revolt.
If this were a movie of the week, Patricia would out her father and there would be a trial, he’d be shunned at some point, her mother would rally behind her. This is real life, and real life is crooked. She is a sick woman, she remembers wrong, she is making it up right? No way did her Daddy do that! The reckoning never truly comes, Patricia will struggle with the abuse memories and her love for both her parents her entire life. There isn’t a magic word or moment that suddenly heals all, because like she said “what has been lived will never be erased”, it rises to the surface within her relationships with herself, her body and others. How can you ever truly understand such abuse? Children blame themselves when a parent harms them, be it mentally or physically. In Patricia’s case, her father was abusive towards her mother, each parent had their own scars in life but does that excuse or explain enabling sexual abuse? Is his violence towards her mother a reason to ignore her little girl was being exploited?
In this violent home, it was easier to just keep the peace. Mommy knew and did nothing. There was “one last time” at the age of 13, Patricia had to block it out in order to build a life. College was her way out, the only escape. Sexual promiscuity, abortions, abusive relationships, a young marriage that feels like falling off a cliff, drugs to numb her mind and body, these are just more escapes labeled adventure. We journey alongside pivotal moments in her 65 years of life, and even find her caring for the very parents who sexually and emotionally abused her. Does her mother ever apologize for her own guilt or acknowledge the truth? What do you think? It takes a lot of strength and courage, and more forgiveness than I know I have in my heart to be the person Patricia is.
A raw, painful read. It is so difficult to be a witness to the early pages (memories) of the sexual acts, and not feel rage building within’ for every child who has ever suffered or is being abused right as you read this. I wish prayers were enough, they’re not, it takes action and those who love the child enough to protect and speak up. I can’t even count on both hands how many child abuse survivors I have met in my life, not even including those around me who know of children who have been abused by family members, strangers, partners of parents. Sometimes it feels like the real epidemic of our times. This is one victim’s story in a sea of many.
Available Now from She Writes Press
(Published June 11, 2019)
June 23, 2019
Illuminating a Path for Others
by Mary Van Pelt
We live in a world that values moving up and moving forward, our culture doesn’t deal well with things that happen below the waist. In her first book, Being Mean, Patricia Eagle shines a courageous light on the dark experience of childhood sexual abuse. Some details in her story may be hard to read yet this is exactly the information needed to open a conversation locked too long in a storage closet of guilt and shame. For change to happen we must talk about these messy, complicated and painful relationships. Contemporary social movements like #MeToo and #IBelieveHer are examples of speaking out and discovering we are not alone and isolated in the experience of sexual abuse.
Patricia’s brave and engaging memoir helps those who have experienced sexual abuse find a voice and navigate a path of recovery. Recovery is not a linear process. No two journeys are alike yet we share common ground.
In addition to applauding Patricia for the endurance required to complete a literary work of this magnitude I must also acknowledge her own miraculous journey of transformation. The courage to be open, self-forgiving and accepting of a past that can’t be changed is part of her recovery work. This work does not end after the publication of a book. Being Mean is a well-written and very personal account that will remain relevant for decades to come. Through writing and speaking publicly Patricia’s brave light in the world illuminates a path out of shame, guilt, and darkness.
by Mary Van Pelt
We live in a world that values moving up and moving forward, our culture doesn’t deal well with things that happen below the waist. In her first book, Being Mean, Patricia Eagle shines a courageous light on the dark experience of childhood sexual abuse. Some details in her story may be hard to read yet this is exactly the information needed to open a conversation locked too long in a storage closet of guilt and shame. For change to happen we must talk about these messy, complicated and painful relationships. Contemporary social movements like #MeToo and #IBelieveHer are examples of speaking out and discovering we are not alone and isolated in the experience of sexual abuse.
Patricia’s brave and engaging memoir helps those who have experienced sexual abuse find a voice and navigate a path of recovery. Recovery is not a linear process. No two journeys are alike yet we share common ground.
In addition to applauding Patricia for the endurance required to complete a literary work of this magnitude I must also acknowledge her own miraculous journey of transformation. The courage to be open, self-forgiving and accepting of a past that can’t be changed is part of her recovery work. This work does not end after the publication of a book. Being Mean is a well-written and very personal account that will remain relevant for decades to come. Through writing and speaking publicly Patricia’s brave light in the world illuminates a path out of shame, guilt, and darkness.
June 18, 2019
Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for providing this book in exchange for an honest review.
I feel that writing this book was very therapeutic for the author and helped in her healing process. She writes with honesty and openness about her experiences.
I feel that writing this book was very therapeutic for the author and helped in her healing process. She writes with honesty and openness about her experiences.
February 16, 2023
“Little minds do not have the words for what occurs during early sexual experiences and, when the words are finally learned, they can be way off the mark.”
Patricia Eagle broke down her life story, discussing the twists and turns, the discoveries and the break downs that led her to the women she is now. Her story details the abuse she faced as a child as well as the trauma and vulnerability that set her up for, having little to no boundaries with love.
“I consider everything that has seeped out of me—confusion, distress, loss, babies—bleeding like my entire body has been one big gaping wound.”
Her story was filled with tears and stories filled with pain. The confusion dwindling before us in this book gravitates us towards this spiral, this discovery that she still hadn’t made yet. But we see how it affects her life, from a young age to an old age.
“I want perpetrators to understand how deeply harmful it is for a victim when they deny what they have done, or convince themselves that what they have done didn’t actually hurt anyone.”
I wished people knew when they were doing wrong, when they were wronging someone else. It hurts and it’s painful to imagine the denial and pain behind saying a memory that has carried so much pain in your life was fake.
“Then I become engulfed in my soul’s own personal grief”.
There’s a storyline between the discovery, there’s a point where there’s no going back. But it’s filled with grief and fear and sadness and shame too. It’s not easy to be someone who can share a story that has carried so much unspoken pain in your life, it’s not easy to broadcast it to the world, knowing it could hurt someone you care about.
Patricia spoke on the feelings about her dad often, she believed her speaking on the sexual abuse hurt him in a way. And she worried she had ruined him. There’s so much feelings surrounding child abuse by a family member, because there’s that familial feeling of always loving them but they hurt you. And I think it’s hard to differentiate that question of how someone who is supposed to love you could hurt you at the same time.
“This is like banging my head on a wall, just like I used to do when I was a little girl. If I could only crack my head open, spill the contents, and see what, if anything, makes sense.”
I dealt with that feeling for a while, like I was on the brink of discovery and then it came funneling out, like a tarnished story. I hated and felt disgusted with my body after, allowing those things to happen. And as a little girl it was blocked out as a regular Saturday Night. It was blocked out and never revisited.
Until a couple years later, when I felt ready. When I wanted clarity, when I didn’t want to lead this story of confusion.
“No wonder people continue to suppress abuse memories. Whether child, adolescent, teen, adult, or middle-ager, who can carry such stories openly and still function as a stable person in the world?”
Patricia Eagle broke down her life story, discussing the twists and turns, the discoveries and the break downs that led her to the women she is now. Her story details the abuse she faced as a child as well as the trauma and vulnerability that set her up for, having little to no boundaries with love.
“I consider everything that has seeped out of me—confusion, distress, loss, babies—bleeding like my entire body has been one big gaping wound.”
Her story was filled with tears and stories filled with pain. The confusion dwindling before us in this book gravitates us towards this spiral, this discovery that she still hadn’t made yet. But we see how it affects her life, from a young age to an old age.
“I want perpetrators to understand how deeply harmful it is for a victim when they deny what they have done, or convince themselves that what they have done didn’t actually hurt anyone.”
I wished people knew when they were doing wrong, when they were wronging someone else. It hurts and it’s painful to imagine the denial and pain behind saying a memory that has carried so much pain in your life was fake.
“Then I become engulfed in my soul’s own personal grief”.
There’s a storyline between the discovery, there’s a point where there’s no going back. But it’s filled with grief and fear and sadness and shame too. It’s not easy to be someone who can share a story that has carried so much unspoken pain in your life, it’s not easy to broadcast it to the world, knowing it could hurt someone you care about.
Patricia spoke on the feelings about her dad often, she believed her speaking on the sexual abuse hurt him in a way. And she worried she had ruined him. There’s so much feelings surrounding child abuse by a family member, because there’s that familial feeling of always loving them but they hurt you. And I think it’s hard to differentiate that question of how someone who is supposed to love you could hurt you at the same time.
“This is like banging my head on a wall, just like I used to do when I was a little girl. If I could only crack my head open, spill the contents, and see what, if anything, makes sense.”
I dealt with that feeling for a while, like I was on the brink of discovery and then it came funneling out, like a tarnished story. I hated and felt disgusted with my body after, allowing those things to happen. And as a little girl it was blocked out as a regular Saturday Night. It was blocked out and never revisited.
Until a couple years later, when I felt ready. When I wanted clarity, when I didn’t want to lead this story of confusion.
“No wonder people continue to suppress abuse memories. Whether child, adolescent, teen, adult, or middle-ager, who can carry such stories openly and still function as a stable person in the world?”
June 11, 2019
This is a book that has obviously been therapeutic for the author to write, part of her healing. As such it's not a book to like, to enjoy. It is raw, hurting, very difficult at times to read, yet compelling. Unfortunately it is also easy to see how abuse can be seen as normal, how one moment can lead to a lifetime of problems - a string of disastrous relationships, a desire to be loved but not to know how to love, low self-esteem & conflicting thoughts/decisions.
By reading this book, you are standing in solidarity with Patricia & all of the others who suffered from abuse at the hands of those who should have protected them. I am sorry that she had to suffer this way & that her life was so affected by her childhood, but I am pleased that Patricia found healing eventually, albeit very late in her life, and wish her all the best for the future.
Disclosure: I received this book free from NetGalley for review, but all opinions are my own.
By reading this book, you are standing in solidarity with Patricia & all of the others who suffered from abuse at the hands of those who should have protected them. I am sorry that she had to suffer this way & that her life was so affected by her childhood, but I am pleased that Patricia found healing eventually, albeit very late in her life, and wish her all the best for the future.
Disclosure: I received this book free from NetGalley for review, but all opinions are my own.
July 31, 2019
Thank you Netgalley and publishers for offering this book.
This book may be difficult to read for some. It was not difficult or bad in the sense it was written poorly. It was truly written well. It was difficult to read at times due to the nature of the material. I can only imagine what Patricia went through growing up. When children are forced to live a certain way, I can see how it can appear to be normal to them and that is the way things should be. Without having experience any other way, they would never know what is right or wrong. I can see that some may have triggered memories, but also may give others hope in escaping their abusers or situations similar to Patricia's . I hope that this book falls into the hands of many readers with hope that they can see that they are not alone, and with determination can fight back and get courage to stand up and begin the healing process. I recommend to all readers.
This book may be difficult to read for some. It was not difficult or bad in the sense it was written poorly. It was truly written well. It was difficult to read at times due to the nature of the material. I can only imagine what Patricia went through growing up. When children are forced to live a certain way, I can see how it can appear to be normal to them and that is the way things should be. Without having experience any other way, they would never know what is right or wrong. I can see that some may have triggered memories, but also may give others hope in escaping their abusers or situations similar to Patricia's . I hope that this book falls into the hands of many readers with hope that they can see that they are not alone, and with determination can fight back and get courage to stand up and begin the healing process. I recommend to all readers.
June 23, 2019
Oh wow!
That book was amazing! Sad, real, a book about surviving...
It was hard and difficult to read! it took me by surprise!
So real, so deep, so meaninful, so full of emotions!
I could relate to the start, how nobody cared, how nobody noticed... I was in tears!!!
WOW, just amazing! It really moved me!!!
Well written! The kind of book that stays with you for a long time!!!!
Patricia, you are BRAVE! Thank you for sharing your story! You are not alone, you are not forgotten! You matter, we care!
Thank you to NetGalley and She Writes Press for the ARC of this book. This is my honest review. All opinions are my own.
That book was amazing! Sad, real, a book about surviving...
It was hard and difficult to read! it took me by surprise!
So real, so deep, so meaninful, so full of emotions!
I could relate to the start, how nobody cared, how nobody noticed... I was in tears!!!
WOW, just amazing! It really moved me!!!
Well written! The kind of book that stays with you for a long time!!!!
Patricia, you are BRAVE! Thank you for sharing your story! You are not alone, you are not forgotten! You matter, we care!
Thank you to NetGalley and She Writes Press for the ARC of this book. This is my honest review. All opinions are my own.
June 12, 2019
I thought this book did an exceptional job of dealing with such a heavy topic. The vulnerable stories the author shares allowed me to understand and connect with her narrative in a really emotional way. My heart was both broken and filled with hope while reading, which is such a difficult balance to strike, and I think that the message of hope and courage is absolutely something we all need to hear.
June 15, 2019
This book must have been extremely difficult, but therapeutic for the author to write. I cannot imagine suffering the abuse that she endured. This was written in a very raw fashion, so is a bit difficult to read at times since I knew it was a true account of the author's life. However, I feel that it is important to read so that awareness is raised about how abuse victims suffer long after the abuse ends.
June 11, 2019
As a child, Patricia Eagle endured the unthinkable. The author of "Being Mean," Patricia is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and an all-around stunning woman. Shame, depression and confusion peppered her formative years, and she suppressed painful memories. And now she's sharing her story with the world. Without a doubt, "Being Mean" will bring hope to other survivors -- and their supporters.
June 12, 2019
In writing this book, Patricia did one of the hardest things a survivor can do –– she spoke up about what she went through. The book followers her journey of finding her own voice, and the reader sees Patricia's courage, vulnerability, and strength shine in her words. This book compassionately shows the power that speaking up can have and I would recommend it to anyone!
September 25, 2019
This was a great memoir to read. Even though it was sad, it was written very well. The story follows a little girl through her childhood. What her parents done to her as a child.
I would recommend this book to anyone who likes to read memoirs.
I would recommend this book to anyone who likes to read memoirs.
July 16, 2019
Hard to read in the beginning but an interesting view on sexual abuse.
September 22, 2022
A very graceful and insightful look into trauma and healing. Truly a unique experience.
May 4, 2021
It is hard to say that a book highlighting a father's sexual abuse is "good", but the author shared a huge vulnerability in detailing her childhood family dynamics. As we grow as society, it is helpful to expose and discuss those things that were never previously discussed so that they don't continue. I appreciate Ms Eagle putting herself out there to share her story.
January 7, 2020
I’ve read a lot of memoirs about abuse. I don’t know why I’m drawn to them so much as I wasn’t abused. It seems like all of the ones I’ve read have been captivating to read. It must be because they are so honest, raw, and shocking. This was the same, yet different because the circumstances surrounding the author’s life and abuse, are different. Every story of growing up with abuse is different of course.
Although it is a memoir of sexual abuse, that is not what the whole book is about. It is a memoir of her life. Also it is important to note that she repressed the abuse memoirs until adulthood. So she didn’t remember everything in the order it is printed in the book but it makes more sense to read it that way. Reading her life this way, I can see behaviours and thoughts that she experienced that were from the abuse but that she didn’t know were from the abuse at first because she didn’t remember it.
If you are wondering, as was I, why the title is Being Mean I’ll tell you. Being Mean is her mother’s words for masturbation and later for what happened between her dad and her. It has nothing to do with bullying as I thought it might.
The author went through a lot but she seems to be doing well now considering. I am glad she shared her life, it must have been very hard to open up.
Although it is a memoir of sexual abuse, that is not what the whole book is about. It is a memoir of her life. Also it is important to note that she repressed the abuse memoirs until adulthood. So she didn’t remember everything in the order it is printed in the book but it makes more sense to read it that way. Reading her life this way, I can see behaviours and thoughts that she experienced that were from the abuse but that she didn’t know were from the abuse at first because she didn’t remember it.
If you are wondering, as was I, why the title is Being Mean I’ll tell you. Being Mean is her mother’s words for masturbation and later for what happened between her dad and her. It has nothing to do with bullying as I thought it might.
The author went through a lot but she seems to be doing well now considering. I am glad she shared her life, it must have been very hard to open up.
August 19, 2019
Disclosure: I received this book free from NetGalley for review, but all opinions are my own.
Wow, what a read. From beginning to end, it was a real page turner.
The story is all too familiar, WARNING: there were some triggers, but I had to finish it. I needed to know what happened next. It's honestly a must read. It's not often that you come across a raw tale-tale book.
My favorite part of the book was Her Eulogy for her dad. Even after all she experienced, she still managed to speak good things about him, and that all he had taught her.
For me reading what Patricia Eagle wrote was simply closure, and I commend what she has done by being brave and sharing her story with us (readers).
I want to give her a huge hug.
Wow, what a read. From beginning to end, it was a real page turner.
The story is all too familiar, WARNING: there were some triggers, but I had to finish it. I needed to know what happened next. It's honestly a must read. It's not often that you come across a raw tale-tale book.
My favorite part of the book was Her Eulogy for her dad. Even after all she experienced, she still managed to speak good things about him, and that all he had taught her.
For me reading what Patricia Eagle wrote was simply closure, and I commend what she has done by being brave and sharing her story with us (readers).
I want to give her a huge hug.
Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews