Fixing the Fates: An Adoptee's Story of Truth and Lies

by Diane Dewey

The secrets, lies, and layers of deception about Diane Dewey’s origins were meant for her protection―but eventually, they imploded. Living with her family in suburban Philadelphia, Diane had grown up knowing she was born in Stuttgart and adopted at age one from an orphanage. She’d been told her biological parents were dead. Then, in 2002, when she was forty-seven years old, Diane got a letter from her biological father, Otto, wanted to bring her into his life. With that, her world shifted on its axis. In the months that ensued, everybody had a different story to tell about Diane’s origins, including Otto when they met in New York City. She struggled to understand what was at stake with the lies. Like a private eye, she sifted through competing versions of the truth only to find that, having traveled throughout Europe and back, identity is a state of mind. As more information surfaced, the myths gave way to a certain elusive peace; Diane discovered a tribe in her mother’s family, found a Swiss husband, gained a voice, and, for the first time, began to trust in the intuition that had nudged her all along. One-part forensic investigation, one-part self-discovery, Fixing the Fates is a story about seeing behind artifice and living one’s truth.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography Memoir

344 pages, Paperback

First published June 4, 2019

Reviews

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for providing this book in exchange for an honest review.
This story of an adoptee's journey to find her biological parents and family is told with raw emotion and honesty. It is always interesting to see how lack of knowledge of one's own birth family impacts the adoptee. And I'm so happy for this author that she met her husband during this journey.

[Anjana · Rating 3 out of 5]

The best part about this book was the narration / the writing. There was a great flow to the words and the clarity of the conflict of thoughts in the author's mind comes across in a pretty stark manner. Diane Dewey has always known she was adopted but that fact has always had a hold on her thoughts and actions and here she chronicles the time when she finally started to get some answers.

I picked this book up because I thought it would be interesting to see how the lack of knowledge of the past could factor into someone's present. The author is in her forties when the story begins. It seemed slow at first but picks up steam as soon as contact is made by her biological father. The constant back and forth of thoughts, loyalties and how genetics might play a role are predominant points of discussion here. The book spans a lot of time and a lot of things happen within that time frame. Relationships are forged, people meet and have an impact in another life all the while there is a constant barrage of questions plaguing the author as she tries to make sense of her life. Theoretically, it makes for interesting reading and it is meant to raise questions (as mentioned in the epilogue) and is a form of a call for action. It was a little long for my liking and although realistic (obviously), it was a little repetitive. I liked the book and really liked the writing.

[Julie McGue · Rating 4 out of 5]

Diane puts the reader in the head of an adoptee navigating two worlds: her adoptive family and her birth father. We feel her angst, her loyalty, her curiosity, her needs and wants. I was riveted to the end... I wanted her to find her birth mother, siblings, and more family to belong to.

[Cavak · Rating 4 out of 5]

Got a case of a personal projection here because I went through a toxic relationship that is similar to the one Dewey goes through in her memoir. Not a father figure for me, yet every time she was feeling cut down—ay ay ay, it's like someone wrote the same feelings I had back then. That horrible cycle of fearing isolation, contempt, and insecurity nails you to people-pleasing. Especially when you're young and don't know any better. In retrospect, it might seem melodramatic—and sometimes it is—but that's not how you feel going through it.

Fixing the Fates is a wonderful title. It might hit you by the midway point. Maybe sharp-eyed readers will catch it sooner than that. It's powerful to me either way.

DNA testing and adoption legalities are present, yet they take a backseat to Dewey's inner monologue. She admits her flaws and struggles with a refreshing vulnerability. A contortion of her dreams from her youth mingling and clashing with the realities of her adult sensibilities. It was enlightening to know that even someone in their twilight years of life can refuse to grow up—to ever hold themselves accountable for the consequences of their own faults. That may sound obvious to you, but the slow climb to it is a hurtful realization.

Compared to other stories I've read recently, I liked the ending's fantastic pacing. Oftentimes, it's tempting to rush to the end once you've reached the finish line. Dewey takes her time and cushions the impact to let every word settle in. There is a relaxed flow for her personal reflections, and the glimmer of hope at the end has a chance to shine. Even through the loss, it feels like a welcome acceptance of life moving on. Such a mindful finale that made me smile after reading it.

Well, taking aside my personal experience, I can see the dents for other readers. There are words used in here that are aboriginal and artsy, to the point where you'd might have to whip out a thesaurus or dictionary to understand them. Kind of breaks the flow of a paragraph. Once in a while, she verges on repeating herself rather than elaborating on her sensations.

And the most obvious one: it's a mushy-mushy memoir. Emotions are the key. Dewey can sound too harsh and selfish at times, which may cause an odd case of internal victim-blaming to go on. People with stronger emotional boundaries may disconnect with Dewey's reactions or be too frustrated by the manipulations to finish reading. It's fluid, so feelings can come and go within a flash. Just like life. Oy vey.

So, I do not know how well Fixing the Fates will connect with adoptees and their adoptive families. What I do know is the memoir has a clear arc of someone finally growing to love themselves and others, and ditching unrealistic fantasies for a true and prosperous life. It's a hopeful message that could be applied to any memoir, to any life. Hackneyed as it can be, it's enough to be enjoyable to me.

Thank you for sharing your story, Dewey.

I received the book for free through Goodreads Giveaways.

[Producervan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fixing the Fates An Adoptee's Story of Truth and Lies by Diane Dewey. She Writes Press. Biographies & Memoirs. Publication date: 04 June 2019. Kindle edition. 4 Stars.

An American adoptee unearths the shadowy secrets surrounding her birth and surrender to a children’s home in Germany in an artful style that is acutely perceptive, deeply yearning and, through an intricate path, ultimately conclusive. Though it seems that she will never know much about her earthly beginnings, the author’s charming Swiss father locates her at her adoptive parents’ home in America long after she has reached adulthood, yet engages in years of subtle subterfuge until she is finally able to know the reason for her unwed mother’s heartrending yielding of her much-loved baby.

I feel that this is a must-read for people on a similar path as the author has a deep understanding of the search for identity as it plays out in the lives of adoptees as well as other emotional damage that can trail invisible scars.

Thanks to the author, publisher and Netgalley for providing this ebook for review.

[Marissa DeCuir · Rating 5 out of 5]

An extremely moving story about what family means. I love these kinds of Memoirs that really allow me to learn new things and have great story telling. The story was a wonderful look at what it is like to be adopted and wrestle with that identity crisis.

[Mary Carol · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn’t care for this. Too meandering, seemed to lack proper editing.

[Carolyn Chambers · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thanks to NetGallery and She Writes Press for access to Fixing the Fates, a fascinating memoir about an adoptee’s search for her birth parents and information about the circumstances that led up to her adoption. I find I am increasingly drawn to memoirs about adoption as I am an adoptee and often see my own experiences reflected in these books.

Common wisdom at the time of Diane’s adoption was that providing an adopted child with details about her birth parents would be confusing and damaging to a child’s ability to form an identity and to bond successfully with the adopted parents. As I imagine many adoptees, and I personally, have found, the opposite is actually true. It is difficult to fully comprehend your identity if you lack information about why you look the way you do and have a certain set of characteristics/abilities. After all, the complexity of people is a result of a unique combination of nature and nurture. Diane’s parents and extended family members go to great lengths to keep her from finding out answers to questions she has about her birth parents and the circumstances leading up to her adoption...her adopted father going so far as to tell her untruthfully that both of her biological parents are dead.

As Diane discovers, a decision to search for information about one’s birth parents is often viewed as a betrayal, the adopted parents afraid of being usurped and the adoptee portrayed as ungrateful for the life they have been provided by the adopted family. Diane posits that adoptees sometimes feel that they have struck an unspoken bargain... Don’t ask questions about the adoption/seek information about your biological relatives, and your adopted parents will provide you with love and security. Making the decision to search for one’s adopted parents is not easy as it may result in life-altering consequences.

Despite her mother’s vehement disapproval (she actually told her “you do not deserve to know”), Diane decides to seek out information about her biological parents when the opportunity fortuitously arises. As I want readers to enjoy Diane’s journey without spoilers, I’ll end this review with two quotes she uses in the book that struck me as brilliantly summing up her search for the truth about her beginnings. “The truth isn’t always beauty, but the hunger for it is.” — Nadine Gordimer. “If you know whence you came, there are absolutely no limitations to where you can go.” — James Baldwin.

[Lois · Rating 5 out of 5]

At the age of forty-seven, Diane Dewey, the author of Fixing the Fates: An Adoptee’s Story of Truth and Lies, who had long thought her biological parents both dead, received a letter from her father, Otto Habich, saying that he wanted to meet her. How she responds to the news, which her adoptee mother reveals to her on her adoptee father’s death, and the reluctance of her mother to reveal the truth about the situation, constitutes the start of this memoir.

The shocking truths that emerge from the web of lies and deceit in which Diane finds that she has been enmeshed all her life are enough to keep the reader glued to their seat. What she discovers about her biological mother is the most heart-wrenching of all: that she really didn’t care about her at all (“I had a new consciousness about my birth mother that dismantled every stereotype I had previously subscribed to about a woman who relinquished her child—she didn’t or couldn’t care.”) The vulnerability of the adoptee is very much exposed here—as if the underlying trauma of being separated from one’s biological parents is not enough, when the illusion with which many must live, that, in fact, they had not wished to part from one, but had been forced to by fate, is also dashed, the effect must be truly devastating. The emotional numbing that such disillusionment can cause is likely to last a lifetime. Here is where the resilience of the human spirit comes in, and where the strength of character shows. However, how the so-called ‘truth’ that she discovers about her mother is upturned comprises the entire backbone of the book and should serve as positive reinforcement for women everywhere.

The emotional deception of those whom one loves and trusts, and whom one longs to have return the same uplifting emotions, is so central to our being in this world that Fixing the Fates: An Adoptee’s Story of Truth and Lies is a work for the many, rather than for only fellow adoptees. Although at times the objective way in which much of the memoir is recounted leaves the reader desirous of a more animated and somewhat light-hearted approach in parts, overall the work is of such deep significance that one can forgive the minor flaws. For those who wish to unravel the truth about their own lives, Fixing the Fates could serve as a guide for how to go about undertaking just such an activity. If you are a seeker after the emotional truth in relationships, this work could well be just the one for you.

[Aria]

---- Disclosure: I received this book for free from Goodreads. ----

Dnf on p. 59. The writing style is not working for me. I skipped forward at this DNF point & looked through the rest of the book to see if I wanted to continue. A lot of things in the chapters following where I stopped reading seem to be more or less repetitious of what had already been brought up. As I flipped toward the back & read, there really weren't any big revelations, at which point I felt my inclination to discontinue the reading was likely the better way to go. It's not that the story isn't worth telling, but I think the editor did a poor job. This would be better if it were less than 1/2 the length it is, & if the story were pulled together tighter so that the presentation of information was less repetitive to the reader.

I'll also say that if a person is already personally familiar w/ a few adoptive stories in their own lives, this is prob. not going to be worth the read. I know these things seem big when an individual is living through them. (How could they not?) If a person has already experienced a few of these kinds of events though, then this one is really not going to contain anything more exciting than reading the local paper would offer. It sounds an odd thing to say, I know. Adoption is not really all that uncommon of a thing, though. I just don't think it was a thing people were really very open about until more recent times. Hopefully that trend is changing some, along w/ the acceptance of such a (beautiful) variety of created families.

I will pass this book on for someone else to read.

[Carolyn Lee Arnold · Rating 5 out of 5]

Page-turning search for one’s beginnings
Those of us who grew up with our own birth parents cannot imagine the ache in an adoptee’s psyche when their birth parents as well as the circumstances of their birth and first year of life are unknown. This memoir made me feel that ache, showed me why the search for information is so healing, and helped me understand the importance of family, which I had taken for granted. Diane Dewey knew that she was adopted at age one from an orphanage in Stuttgart, Germany by loving American parents, who told her that her birth parents were dead. This was her only information until she was middle-aged, when her cousin obtained her birth certificate and later, her birth father contacted her. This upended her adopted parents’ story and started her on a long process of trying to glean from her birth father, her relatives, and her adopted parent’s relatives just what happened and whether her mother was still alive. Dewey tells her story in evocative prose, drawing us into each scene with vivid descriptions of people, places, and feelings, and sweeping us along towards each exciting step in unraveling what had become a tightly woven mystery. I was gripped by her search, cared about her healing, and celebrated each piece of information she found, all the way to the last final piece. Recommended for anyone with a family, adopted or not!

[Celine Cedeño · Rating 4 out of 5]

Diane’s story is incredible. Unlike most of these reviews I actually didn’t find it lengthy/too detailed. I think her writing was easy to follow and gave you perspective of an adoptee’s internal thoughts as facts unravel of her life.

I will say the epilogue and final thoughts of Otto, her biological dad, seemed very confusing. It didn’t seem that he brought, I quote her biblical quote, ‘peace that surpassed all understanding.’ She met many people in the journey and even her husband which is sweet.
I was hoping she would have something to say to people who are looking to adopt too. It seemed like she was against/feelings of anger at those that adopt. I would like to draw the conclusion that adopters should be open and honest about background and where their children came from.

Just a few questions she didn’t reveal in the book, which I hope someone asked and she prob answered in a podcast or something. Great read!

[Carole · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an amazing book. The author explores the impacts on her of her adoption, the death of her adoptive father, her sixteen years of relationship with her birth father, her loving and conflicted relationship with her adoptive mother, and her pursuit of an authentic relationship with her birth mother despite her being dead before this author began to look fo her. The writer shares every step on her journey toward reconciliation with all her parents, as well as insights and tidbits about the family members and friends she embraced and was embraced by on her path. It’s a long book and yet I was never tempted to skim or skip over any of it. It’s a window onto the psyche of one woman who was given away, and simultaneously beyond to the challenges and growing pains and joys that I imagine all adoptees go through to one degree or another. I liked it a lot and would recommend it.

[Elizabeth Wood · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fixing the Fates is beautifully written memoir that delves into deep questions about identity, attachment, family, and love. Dewey is an adoptee who has longed to find out about her biological parents their family roots. When her biological father reaches out her in her late 40s, she embarks on a journey of discovery, connection, betrayal and resolution. Dewey's prose is artful, vividly descriptive, and emotionally evocative. She has a remarkable ability to honestly account for complicated psychological realities in a way that allows the reader to feel the anger, anxiety, and joys she experiences along the way. Five heartfelt stars for this one!

[Cheryl · Rating 2 out of 5]

Anyone who knows me knows one of favorite subjects to read about is true stories of people who, as adults, find their birth families. So I was very interested in this story, in which the author, an adoptee, is contacted by her bio dad, who she grew up thinking was dead. So I was primed to enjoy the story. However, this should have been edited down by half. This is a meandering incredibly redundant tale that felt more like a day by day journal, or at best, a blog. After I'd read about a third of it, I skimmed through the rest, not even getting to the end. Should not really have been a book - more like a long magazine article.

[Sybille Vought · Rating 5 out of 5]

i’m giving this 5 stars because as an adoptive parent it was an important book for me to read. i’m not adopted. but i’m raising two kids who are. the author is so good and putting into words what her feelings were before, during, and after meeting her biological dad. i didn’t expect i would mark up this book, but every couple of pages i had to find my red pen to star or underline something. i will never be able to enter in to the experience of having parents i do not remember, or to have countless questions about my past and story. this book really helped educate me in a way i did not expect and did not know i needed. i highly recommend this for all adoptive parents.

[Mary · Rating 2 out of 5]

While I have empathy for the author's journey and respect for her willingness to share, I think this story needed an editor's guiding hand. For example, USC and UCLA are not the same school and Hamburg is not in Bavaria or on the way from Switzerland to Bavaria. I noticed a few sentence fragments. I was shocked that an individual with graduate education in psychology with a focus on adoption continues to use the outdated "natural" child/parent reference which suggests that adoptees and their parents are somehow "unnatural." I hope she is not using that term in counseling. I did not, by the way, read this two times as indicated on the post.

[Theodore Raser · Rating 4 out of 5]

Born in Germany, the author was adopted as an infant and raised in the United States. She learned some details about her adoption and birth parents but her adoptive family weren’t forthcoming about filling in the blanks. When the author was 47 her birth father reaches out and they meet and establish a relationship. Not a page turner but I enjoyed the author’s writing and story. The father turns out to be something of a philanderer and the author attempts to find out the truth about the relationship between her birth father and mother. The truth doesn’t seem that complicated but the author nevertheless continues to pursue the truth over many years.

[Kerry Pickens · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was interested in this book because I have an adult adopted son that is reconnecting with his biological father. The descriptions of the main characters feelings about meeting her father were very apt. The book though is overly detailed and long, and I found myself getting bored with the story. The main characters finds that having a family is more than she bargained for once she finds that there is more drama involved than she would like.

[Hendrika Vries · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. An adopted daughter searches for her identity in the family that gave her up. As a retired family therapist, who has worked with men and women with the courage to explore the roots of their identity, this story rang deep and poignantly true. It confronts all of us with the truth and lies of family origins, memories and connections that create the ground from
which we can know ourselves.

[Julie K Smith · Rating 3 out of 5]

I cannot pretend to understand what an adoptee feels. And I know many have issues into adulthood. However, I nearly stopped reading this book early on due to its repetitiveness. I will say that it definitely improved as it went along. I just felt that the author kept hammering home many of the same points over and over. I don’t want to diminish her feelings and I am glad she found peace in her life. I just think it could have been done more succinctly.

[Dori Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author takes us deep inside this highly personal journey of discovering and reconnecting with her birth family in Germany and Switzerland. But unlike other adoptees' stories, typically a search for birth parents, hers began at mid-life when she was contacted by her birth father. Dewey's warm and inviting writing style drew me in like a long, intimate conversation with a beloved girlfriend, with "You won't believe this!" moments and "I felt so very" confessions. A joy to read and savor.

[Diane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fixing the Fates, is a deeply honest, and intriguing tale of adoption, woven with secrets and deception. Diane Dewey questions her mysterious relinquishment in a German orphanage and seeks knowledge about her biological family despite warnings and disapproval from her adoptive mother. Well written with vivid descriptions and characterizations, this is an inspiring story of an adult adoptee searching for one's truth, history, and self.

[Books Forward · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fixing the Fates: A Memoir is a beautiful story on how one woman comes to know her biological parents. Creating a wonderful narrative, Diane Dewey shares very personal details of her life to allow a peek into the lives of those who have been adopted. Anyone who is interested in the subject of adoption or wants to hear a heartwarming book should definitely read!

[Nancy Kilgore · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an in-depth and well crafted account of a woman's search for her biological parents. It turns into an adventure story as Diane searches and discovers clue after clue about both parents, all the while discovering new truths about herself. She confronts within herself the ways she learned to adapt to life, even remembering glimpses of her infant consciousness and describing a second sense when, as she later realized, she had been standing in the same marketplace in Zurich as the mother she never knew. Her understandings are deeply insightful and honest, and the story is both heartwarming and sad as she finds some long-lost relatives and does not find others.

[patrick Lorelli · Rating 5 out of 5]

Being adoptive myself I was drawn to this story. I found myself feeling what she must have been going through when she received that letter which was from her birth father, especially after being told that both birth parents were killed. Following her journey was good as was her finding herself. I really enjoyed this book and found it to be a good read.

[Olivia · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a wonderful story following the life of Diane Dewey. Learning about her birth parents was a very inspiring and heartfelt narrative. Would recommend to anyone who has any hand in adoption or is interested in the process. Wow.

[Suzy Barile · Rating 4 out of 5]

A story!

What a journey - though sometimes wordy - of piecing together one's life. My wholehearted agreement that someone attempting to take the plunge do so, whilst prepared for the outcome, no matter what!

[Kathy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Diane's journey of finding her biological parents as an adult and dealing with these new relationships as well as how they affect the people who loved and raised her. The journey is made harder by officials in more than one country.

[Nancy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Boring

The author's obsession with finding information about her biological parents and her overanalyzing of absolutely everything consumed her life. It got bring to hear about it fairly quickly.