Declarative Language Handbook: Using a Thoughtful Language Style to Help Kids with Social Learning Challenges Feel Competent, Connected, and Understood

by Linda K. Murphy

Do you know a child that gets upset when their routine changes? They might also struggle to see the big picture, to make friends, to problem solve in real time, and to read nonverbal communication. Meltdowns, tantrums and other challenging behaviors might be common.This book was written to teach you how making small shifts in your language and speaking style will produce important results. You will stop telling kids what to do and instead thoughtfully give them information to help them make important discoveries in the moment. These moments build resilience, flexibility, and positive relationships over time.You might be a therapist or a teacher, or you might be a parent, grandparent, or babysitter. Your child might have a diagnosis such as autism, Asperger’s Syndrome, ADHD, PDA or Non-Verbal Learning Disability. But they might not. No matter your child’s learning style, this book was written to help you feel equipped to make a difference, simply by being mindful of your own communication and speaking style.“When I heard that Linda Murphy was writing “Declarative Language Handbook”, a hallmark of RDI, I knew that our Autism and Communication worlds were about to be influenced by the cutting edge thinking of a truly remarkable expert in the field. What I wasn’t prepared for were the crisp, practical, useful guidelines that will make this the most important book on the shelf of clinicians and parents."Rachelle K. Sheely PhD President & Co-Founder of RDIConnect“The shift to increased student agency and teachers as coaches is dependent on a new kind of language in the classroom. Declarative language elevates teaching to that new level.”Melissa Andrichak MAT, First Grade Teacher“As a seasoned clinician, I found that when I changed my language from imperative to declarative, I started to notice new competencies of children. I am continually amazed at how simple (but difficult!) changes in my language can be so powerful and bring about incredible changes in a short time. We are so fortunate to have Linda explain the principles of Declarative Language in a book."Martha Bargmann MS, CCC-SLP Speech Language Pathologist at Massachusetts General Hospital for Children“Finally! An easy to read book that meets parents and educators ‘in the trenches’ with information and strategies that help our kids learn critical thinking, social problem solving and executive functioning skills. This book is proof of how making small shifts in our language can have far reaching results."Beckham Linton M.A., CCC-SLP, Social Learning Consultant /Coach"What if people mostly used language with you to tell you what to do or to tell you that you should have done it better? I think you’d agree, that would get discouraging rather fast! For individuals with social learning challenges, this is too often their experience. Through this handbook, Linda guides us to notice how a shift in our use of language (from imperative to declarative) can fundamentally shift how children relate to us and the world around them. Through many practical examples and tips for developing our own use of declarative language, Linda provides us the tools to build positive, pro-active relationships with the individuals we parent, teach or counsel."Michelle Garcia Winner, Founder of the Social Thinking MethodologySpeech Language Pathologist, MA-CCC

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Education, Teaching, Family, Mental Health

131 pages, Kindle Edition

Published March 1, 2020

Reviews

[Christine · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm writing this review from the perspective of an autistic, ADHD adult raising two neurodivergent children. My eldest (elementary-age) is ADHD and autistic with a PDA profile.

I am a big fan of any parenting advice that seeks to reduce conflict and build/restore trust between parents and their children. Ross Green's work (Explosive Child, Raising Human Beings, etc.) has been a big hit in our household. Murphy's book works with some similar themes, but with the explicit goal of teaching social observation skills to neurodivergent kids.

I have mixed feelings about this book. On the one hand, reducing imperative/commanding language can be critical for working harmoniously with some children (neurodivergent or not!), but particularly with PDA kids. On the other hand, one of the biggest pet peeves that autistics have with allistics is their frustrating tendency to not speak clearly and say what they mean!

I recommend that parents trying the advice in this book tread very carefully. While imperative language may invite conflict, declarative language can just as easily invite frustration. If your goal is to prompt observation of the child's surroundings without expecting a specific outcome, you'll be fine. If you expect your child to guess that they need to stand in line or clean up their room based on vague comments, you might be sorely disappointed.

With my own children, I teach social observation skills primarily via direct questions, contrary to the advice in this book. E.g.:

Child: Can you make me a sandwich?
Me: What am I doing right now?
Child: (looks) Uh, doing the dishes?
Me: Yep. Do you think I want to stop in the middle of this to switch tasks?
Child: No. Can you make me a sandwich when you're done?

Conversations like that have gradually gotten shorter, as my child learns to either make their own observations before making demands, or figures out the situation with less prompting and back and forth. Framing that interaction with declarative language would draw the whole thing out much further and annoy both of us.

One final note - this is probably my autistic pedantry talking, but slapping a plural pronoun in front of an imperative statement doesn't magically make it declarative. "Let's get ready to go" might invite less conflict than "You need to get ready to go", but it's still imperative.

[Meagan · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are some super good takeaways in this book! I would recommend this for ANYONE, teacher, caregiver, parent, to read this—whether the kiddos you are around are neurotypical or neurodivergent, it is full of great reminders of how we speak to our children can greatly change the dynamic in our home or classroom. I am very cut and dry, black and white and tend to use imperative language in a way that can unintentionally be demeaning or hurtful. This book has really opened my eyes to how my children may be hearing my voice when I know my heart means otherwise.

[Sara Mandich · Rating 4 out of 5]

My three year old son started speech therapy and they suggest this book to all the parents. It does help you learn how to frame your dialogue differently to help kids learn, grow and problem solve on their own. I recommend to any parent, regardless if your child needs speech therapy. The first few chapters were helpful as a parent to a toddler, but as the book progressed, I found it more helpful for parents of elementary school aged kids.

[Andy Angel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Had to read this for work and found it to be a potentially very useful tool

[James R. · Rating 4 out of 5]

A simple but effective way of changing the way adults communicate with children with special needs. It's not a magic wand that will change your life but it's a small and practical way of shifting communication to help lower demands on little ones and help them adopt a problem-solving mindset. I think the author may have undersold just how hard this technique will be to embed with some families for both the children and the adults but that doesn't mean it isn't worth trying anyway.

[Mary Sims · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was so insightful and a must for all teachers and speech pathologists. As an autistic person, parent of a son with autism and teacher in an autistic classroom, I found an incredible wealth of knowledge in this book. It was a fast read and was easy to read a chapter and put ideas into practice. I highly recommend going on your podcast home and listening to the author do the book study with Education Chapter Chat Book Club. The author, is in the podcasts and provides additional info. I really enjoyed listening to this podcast while reading the books. Very beneficial!

[Monique · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life-changing language strategy

This book, along with The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene, was instrumental in supporting our child with demand avoidance, emotional regulation, and executive functioning. After seeing tremendous growth and progress at home, I've shared this strategy with several teachers that I coach to better support individual children. It's not an intuitive method, and it takes time, but it really, really works.

[Meghan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed parts of this book, but felt it was missing more breadth of examples to help apply the learning. I have been trying to out using declarative language with my own kiddos this summer, which has been fun. I look forward to applying it as a teacher this fall.

[Samantha Zawacki · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gave some really useful and practical examples for students or children who are struggling with social interactions. This is a great book for teachers or parents looking to communicate a little deeper and more meaningfully with their child.

[Grace Shepherd]

I love using declarative language to boost my children clients’ autonomy and decrease pressure. Let’s give children more credit. Every human is trying their best!! Great resource for caregivers or anyone working with children.

[Katy L. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very helpful! Although I believe this language is especially helpful for adults to use with neurodivergent kids with social learning needs, I think it actually would be amazing to use with all kids. Much more of a focus on trusting kids to observe their surroundings and solve problems rather than just training them to be compliant!

[Shay Z · Rating 4 out of 5]

Short, succinct and to the point. Easy read and informative. Useful

[Stephanie Bee · Rating 3 out of 5]

“Declarative language has helped you slow down and stay in tune with the feedback your child is providing” - Linda K. Murphy. 💜💜💜 I absolutely loved the concept of declarative language and have already noticed huge improvement in my interactions with my neurodiverse kiddo. I highly recommend that anyone who interacts with kiddos, whether they are neurodiverse or not look into ways to apply declarative language to their daily lives. That being, I didn’t love this book. I wish there was more information and examples of declarative language and less about the research Linda did to prove why declarative language works. I felt as if she was trying to “sell” me on the idea of declarative language and less about how to apply it. I have read a fair number of parenting handbooks and this was the first one I can recall full of research methods and exact findings. I would have rated the book higher without those chapters added in. I feel that information is useful for funders but not for parents of kids with social learning challenges. Overall though I still highly recommend this book and suggest you just skip the last section as I didn’t find it useful or relevant at all.

[Jeanne Dierkes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Food for thought, and lots of it!

This book was exactly what I needed, without quite realising I needed it. I've always been a language type person (if that is a thing), learning languages, analysing language, interpreting language and seeing symbolism everywhere. But how do you encourage someone to engage without asking questions? My son is autistic, very demand-avoidant and things can blow up at the slightest hint of tension, a question or just the "wrong" look on someone's face when addressing him. This book helps with that, and so much more. It gives me the tools to prompt interaction without forcing it, with those with social communication challenges but also with anyone and everyone - I think the reach of this book extends (or should extend, spread the word!) far beyond helping "just" us who are struggling to communicate and interact sometimes.

[Jessi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Many children, especially those with social learning issues, feel threatened by imperative language (ie. commands). That type of language can initiate a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn reaction in anyone but especially the neurodiverse community. A solution that reduces this struggle and promotes social learning is to use declarative statements (ie. offer helpful information and observations). This is highly recommended for any parent, educator, or family member that deals with kids who have social challenges.

[Liliya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Definitely a good resource for improving quality of conversation and instruction especially when it comes to kids. I am already using some of these principles with Eliza and plan to be more intentional with my words as a Sunday School helper.

[Alex M. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall, a pleasant “simple” read, but simplistic nevertheless.

*A note before I begin, I read this book as someone not trained in working with Autism. The book can be reas, and I’m told be SLP’s close to me in my life, that it often is read, both for the purposes of parenting an autistic child and parenting tips broadly. Here I write about the latter although hopefully it is largely applicable to the former.*

The author does a nice job putting on display concepts such as episodic memory development for children, situational awareness, patience in light of children slowly attaining concepts, framing language for children in declaratives (perhaps the obvious one) and the associated benefits, and allowing children to explore their environment/ be stewards of their own learning about the world around them. Her writing style is basic, but to the point. As such, it’s a nice light read but nothing to write home about grammatically/ you won’t be swept away by CS Lewis-level “quotables”. The theories and examples are very similar to other strong parenting works I would recommend slightly ahead of this one (although this is a nice supplement); (1) The Whole Brain Child by Siegel and Bryson and (2) Montessori Toddler by Davies.

To the negatives, this isn’t specific to Dr Murphy I suppose, but generic to “gentle parenting” approaches, she puts too much responsibility on the child at points and devalues the importance of active parenting at times, but interestingly she sort of admits that in one chapter so she’s clearly aware of the fallacy. Secondarily, also not totally a critique of “this book” but psychology books such as this one in general, as much as I love them, each one I work through I reflect on how many of these concepts try to prove too much with their argument. Her language tips are amazing, but they work coupled with patience and humility for the parent, etc. which can also come more simply from being a deeply faithful person or a very good human and embody and therefore have the same results for your kids. It goes hand in hand with one of my critiques of Freud, where you read him and think ‘wow, you’re really taking free will away.’ Dr Murphy doesn’t exact do that* she actually goes to the other extreme and offers a more ‘let your kid be whoever and whatever’ and almost too much ‘let them fly by’, but I think what she does do that Freud did is attempt to over-prove. As with many psychological theories, yes you came up with a good thing, but no it doesn’t result in everything you said unless it’s accompanied by other virtues.

For Catholic readers (and parents) I recommend it alongside a review of the church and St. Thomas Aquinas’ teachings on the will. If you (and your children) firmly can articulate that human beings are more than a psychological if A then B due to autonomy of free will, the book is not terribly problematic. There is one chapter in which she dances around the idea of moral relativism, a philosophical error, but she never overtly states anything overtly relativistic as a moral.

[Katherine · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's helpful that this book is more concise than most similar parenting books, but otoh, it was a bit dry to read and I don't know that I necessarily really absorbed what declarative language really means. It feels more like a handbook to help people who work professionally with kids who are having certain challenges. Maybe I just needed only before/after examples to get it? The How to Talk So Kids Will Listen books feel more applicable as a parent, though this one does cover some nuance that I could see being helpful.
==================

Declarative language is a comment or a statement. It is that simple. Usually it is a statement that observes.

Demands can make kids feel inadequate. But declarative language empowers them to feel competent, understand the world better, develop self-awareness, and self-advocate.

For example, if we ask, What did I say? and the child can’t answer, the child feels bad but so do we. Fortunately, there is a better way! What if instead we say, I’m wondering if you heard what I said, or I’m not sure you heard me, or even I want to make sure we are on the same page. It will help me if I know that you heard me.

We don’t want to force our views on kids. Instead, we want to create an environment where kids can lower their guard and feel safe to be curious about the thoughts, opinions, and feelings of others.

Notice this out loud with a simple declarative statement that models interest and respect, and doesn’t try to change anyone’s mind. By saying, We think differently about that, you are also modeling that it is okay to think differently. You show how to stay connected even though you now have an interesting difference between you.

When brainstorming, I like to tell kids, “Every idea is good enough to write down.”

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
This was a quick, but eye-opening read. As a parent of an ADHD kiddo who has struggled and still struggles with emotional regulation, I am so glad this was recommended to me! It’s such a simple, yet life-changing strategy!

**The strategy centers around taking imperative sentences and turning them into declarative ones instead.**

Finish getting ready. → I notice it’s time for school.
Say hello to Grandma. → Oh look, Grandma is here!
Did you hear what I said? → I’m not sure if you heard me. I want to make sure we’re on the same page.

We’ve been working on using this strategy in all parts of our day for awhile now, and I have to say, it really makes a huge difference. It is non-threatening and opens up space for the child/student to assess the situation and problem solve for themselves. In general, we’ve seen WAY LESS emotional reactions and MUCH MORE personal responsibility.

I highly recommend this super quick read for any parent and/or teacher because this strategy can be helpful for all kiddos, no matter the age or ability.

📝 **"Demands make kid feel inadequate. But declarative language empowers them to feel competent, understand the world better, develop self-awareness, and self-advocate.”**

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[Joanna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good nuggets but some of the examples were underwhelming

I realize this book is written more for people whose children struggle with communication, which mine don’t, but I do have a few that bristle at imperatives, so I wanted to see what it said. I can see how declarative statements may be effective, especially for those children who struggle with direct commands or questions. On the other hand, questions are a part of life and children need to learn how to answer them. I will try implementing declarative statements for situations in which I’ve noticed defiance in response to a command to see if it is more effective, but questions are not going to disappear from our house totally. Kids need to learn strategies for answering questions, even if they don’t know the answer or feel overwhelmed by it, rather than everyone around them modifying their language. There is a lot of modeling suggested in this book and that would be a good type of modeling to incorporate in teaching positive social interactions. So I get the concept and understand it is probably very useful to those struggling with a socially challenged child, but its broad applicability is questionable. The broader social environment is unlikely to utilize declarative language frequently and I wonder what happens when kids must move beyond such supportive language into normal social situations. There is no discussion in the book about helping kids navigate such a transition, but perhaps this is not a normal scenario for the audience to whom the book is written?

[Jessicalky · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's a book for all educators and parents of young children, no matter your child is neurodiverse or not.

The author reminded us to look closer to our expressive language style and make careful choice between declarative language and imperative language. Declarative language is a way of expression that could enhance kids' ability to observe, to think and to integrate social information. It could also help kids who worry about 'not knowing' or uncertainty to learn that adults face the same problem and be confident to solve the problems. Unlike imperative language, kids are not receiving orders or commands and following adult's requested way to solve a problem. We use declarative language to guide and model our inner thoughts, which pave the ways for children to build their own skills and be an independent communicator and problem solver.

Educators and parents need to be very alert of their own use of languages, not only about the form of expression, but also the timing of saying. We need to carefully replace unnecessary imperative languages (questions and commands) with declarative language if our aim is to grow a confident, autonomy and socially adaptive child.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love how clear and concise this book is! So many books I’ve read about helping my ND kid are meandering and, while they have a lot of good content, my adhd brain forgets half of the tips by the end. Linda Murphy teaches you how to communicate with your children using declarative language, changing our demands into observations or invitations.

I’ve used declarative language a lot with my kids without realizing that’s what it was, because it does help! They feel less pressure, and they get to the solution on their own, rather than being led there. With my youngest, I’ve fallen into really imperative (demand based) language, mostly because I feel harried most of the time with more than one kid. I’ll be practicing this way of communicating with them more, using low stress times of day to start.

Thank you so much for this book, I had a ton of aha moments reading it, and all of the examples throughout the text are super helpful.

[Connie · Rating 3 out of 5]

For the child who is threatened by demands or questions that imply demands (imperative/commanding language), declarative language (usually a statement that observes)* may be a helpful skill for the parent to learn and use. Unlike the former, declarative language does not expect an immediate response but encourages inferencing and problem solving, and thoughtful conversation.

Like any language, this will take self-awareness, practice, patience, and time, but it may reduce conflict and make for a more conversational environment with more positive results.

I struggled with the writing style; thus the 3*. The author's efforts to be gender non-specific were a huge distraction for me. Even when it was clear that the the child being referenced was a boy, he became "they" or "their" or "them."

*Examples among many others: "All the kids are seated at the table;" "I'm wondering if you know what to do next;" "I notice your coat is on the floor."

[Karen JH · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an important book for kids on the autism spectrum and also those with PDA (demand avoidance). Most of these kids spend their lives being told what to do and how to do it in an effort by parents and teachers to simplify things for them. Unfortunately, this often hinders their development in terms of autonomy, problem solving, social interaction and communication. This book offers an important perspective on switching from imperative language to declarative language and slowing things down (pacing) to allow more time for processing. It’s a very quick read and quite simple, but well done with an important message. I would like to have seen more older teenager or young adult examples in the book. This type of communication approach would probably be beneficial to all kids. A must read for parents, teachers and caregivers of ASD kids.

[Christy Gould · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve come across this principle and tried to be conscious of it a little, but this book was super helpful in laying out the reasons/expectations and giving concrete examples. I don’t agree that kids don’t need to hear imperatives except under dangerous circumstances, and I don’t agree that never asking questions is the right way to go about things. Other reviewers rightly point out that some neurodivergent kids (including one of mine) would be incredibly frustrated by the lack of clear directive. But, I do see this working to help him problem-solve on his own more, and there plenty of situations in which I’d love to revamp my own language. I have more than one child I think would benefit directly from the principles here.

[Candy · Rating 5 out of 5]

INCREIBLE!!!, si tiene la oportunidad de leer este libro, por favor háganlo, ya sean cuidadores, terapeutas o padres de personas/niños con dificultades de interacción social o neurodivirgencias, esta lectura nos ofrece una herramienta excepcional y como la misma autora lo dice "debe ser divulgada y compartida para hacer un mundo mejor", me ha hecho cuestionar mi forma de trabajo como terapeuta y a la vez modificarla y ver resultados que me han sorprendido, aunque en Latinoamérica no esta disponible la traducción (o no que este enterada) si tiene la habilidad de leerlo en ingles y pueden hacerlo, lo recomiendo.

[Finbar · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! This was a game-changer in our home. I can't express my gratitude enough to the friend who recommended this book and to Linda for writing such a clear and easily accessible handbook for using Declarative Language, a tool from the RDI approach. This is a very brief, but deep explanation of Declarative Language and its use and usefulness for building meaningful communication with individuals with social learning challenges. With a little practice and a more conscious approach to the language we use, it is possible to create space for our loved ones to find their own voice.

[Annie Newman · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have a child with Autism or other social learning difference, this book is a revelation! I started reading it while sitting at the lake with my kids. When we were leaving, my oldest started walking away without putting her shoes on, as she usually did. Instead of "Put on your shoes," I tried "I see your shoes by the water." Lo and behold, she turned around, looked, and walked back and put them on!!!

It takes practice, but don't be discouraged. Declarative language will soon become second nature and make your home a calmer, happier place.

[Kylee · Rating 1 out of 5]

There's a couple of good tools in here which can be extracted from this book. But the paradigm from which Ms Murphy writes is deficits-based and neuronormative. Parts of the book read as trying to make neurodivergent people neurotypical, or at least conform to neuronormative standards. There seems to be no recognition of the double-empathy phenomenon. Neurodivergent people have different ways of communicating than neurotypical people and neurodivergent people are adept at communicating with other neurodivergent people.

Also, the book is highly repetitive.

[Laura Cohen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is all about changing your language when speaking to others. Imperative vs Declarative language.

If you take the demand out of the equation, you take away the challenge and the pressure.

Absolutely the best parenting book I’ve ever read. I wish I had read this first. And it’s not really a parenting book.

This book could apply to anyone. I could use this in work environments for sure.

I am not a big parenting books person. But there are a few that I think are absolutely life giving. This is definitely one.