How to Thrive in the 21st Century - By Avoiding Porn and Other Distractions

by Havard Mela

Most people aspire to achieve something deep down. For every porn video we watch, our chance of living our dreams is diminished.

Porn use provides false positives. This affects willpower, discipline, motivation, courage, social skills – basically every attribute required to accomplish something. 

Did you know that watching porn will affect your neurotransmitters responsible for happiness, leaving you depressed and unhappy? If you squander hours looking for the perfect scene, years can go by, and you can find yourself being the same person 10 years later, missing out on life. Nobody told the author about the dangers of this when he was young. This book is written to be the resource we wish we had at age 15. With all the stimulation we regularly encounter through social media, the Internet, TV, commercials, porn, news and so on, we must regain control amidst the chaos. 

Porn affects us subtly and it can be difficult to notice the consequences. Many people don’t connect the dots between issues in their life and porn use. In this book, you will uncover how porn affects your life and why you should quit immediately! Havard Mela will show you how to take conscious control of your life! You will find a gripping tale based on personal experience and extensive research on the topic. Havard provides a blueprint for beating your unwanted habits. He'll show you, step by step, how to regain control of your focus and ultimately, your life. You will learn the reasons you are unable to regulate your porn use, along with actionable advice on how to quit. How to Thrive in the 21st Century talks about leaving porn from a psychological perspective. You will uncover and resolve deeply rooted psychological issues that give lasting results instead of finding tips and tricks that don't work. 

You will find a multidisciplinary approach about the topic that draws in the latest science from psychology, neuroscience, heuristics, willpower, self-control, philosophy, the science behind addiction, purpose, perspectives and much more.

Genres: Productivity, Self Help, Science, Nonfiction, Personal Development, Psychology

170 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 6, 2020

About the author

Havard is born and raised in Norway, and when he is not writing, Havard spends most of his time working as an engineer, reading, traveling, or playing sports. He is just a guy who loves to write and share insights from his path to living a better life.

Visit him online at: https://www.havardmela.com/
Email: [email protected]

Reviews

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciated reading this book by first-time author, Havard Mela. Havard brings a new and refreshing angle to distractions in the 21st century -- porn, social media, alcohol, video games, and other potential addictions.

Other books/articles I have read take a "shame, shame - just stop it" or purely scientific approach to addiction. This book asks, "Who do you want to be?"

For much of the book, I poured through it and was close to giving it 5 stars. I felt like the last 4th of the book just went on too long and became a bit repetitive. However, there are a lot of good insights and raw material throughout.

Two insights I appreciated:
"Commercials, entertainment and news websites all contain pictures of half-naked at times and sometimes even fully naked people. Historically, graphic images only presented itself when an actual opportunity for mating was present. Today, these images are available everywhere. The instinct we possess to pursue all these sexual opportunities is how many end up addicted."

And secondly, the concept of little daily decisions -- asking yourself, If I did what I did now for 100 days, what would I look like afterwards? Whether it is a good thing or troublesome one. If I ate this bag of fries every day for 100 days.... or if I did this 10 push-ups every day for 100 days.

I look forward to reading more books by Havard Mela.

[Kahleb · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel like gaining the perspective from someone who conquered these very same hurdles as many of us face today gives this book a unique edge. I believe it plays at its strengths the most when it tackles the author's personal anecdotes and overall outlook towards overcoming porn addiction in the second half. I find the headspace of someone having first-hand experience with the topic to be infinitely more compelling than most of the reiteration of studies I believe other sources have covered in greater detail. Nonetheless I find Harvard to be a capable author, especially when you consider this is his first venture into the literary sphere. I found it to be a gripping read and a fair share of his philosophies resonated with me by the time I was through. It takes strength to go against the grain, and the author demonstrates adherence to his word by speaking out in relation to something we've only yet to see the true nature of in time.

[Sabin · Rating 3 out of 5]

First thing’s first: The author provided me with an electronic copy of the book for free in exchange for an honest review.

In short, this book contextualizes porn as a source of addiction for some individuals and dispenses practical advice to people who feel that porn has invaded their lives and that they need to do something about it. So this text is aimed at the individual, the very person who needs to take action. To this end, in the manner of self-help guides everywhere, you get asked the hard questions, you get practical advice and you also get a bit of scientific context, which supports and substantiates the approach.

Actually, even though it doesn’t really draw the whole picture on the psychology and neuroscience of addiction (and the jury’s still out on the matter of porn as an addiction), it does, rather successfully, address the competing, and valid, viewpoint that porn can be used by a person to relieve stress. The author clearly states that porn use, whether excessive or not, is rooted in a deeper issue and that, in order to overcome it, a person needs to find purpose and follow that purpose. And by breaking that purpose into attainable goals (the usual in self-help and personal management books), is, in fact, the key to relieving stress in the first place. So yes, you’re relieving stress when using porn, but you’re treating the symptoms instead of the cause, while self-help books like this one aim to give a person purpose, so that any other issue that may be causing the aforementioned stress becomes irrelevant and is ultimately replaced with this new purpose.

I must also mention that the author’s writing style is not the cleanest and most comfortable to the reader. He’s not a native english speaker and did not have the luxury of an editor, which is noticeable. What you get are paragraphs with quite short sentences and with a full stop almost every line. It’s not your average self help book and it doesn’t flow like other books whose authors try almost too hard to keep the reader engaged by using every storytelling technique in the book.

Strangely enough, although it's not really to my liking, this book feels more genuine. There is a strange rhythmic quality to the text, a staccato which drives home a point with every sentence and every full stop. And these short sentences express a sense of urgency by which they convey to the reader that he (I’m assuming that most readers are going to be “he”s) should get off his ass and do something to change his life. This style may also be something which caters to people who really have a very short attention span and need those full stops often to digest the information in small, bite-size chunks.

I’d really recommend the book to people who accept that they have a porn related problem and want to change.

[Torgeir Andresen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome book! Showcases a problem you might not even know you have, and how changing a few, but correct things in your life can take you to the next level.

[Yannis Adam · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is invaluable. You can learn a lot about human psychology and how this knowledge can help you modify your behaviour positively.

[Adrian Villanos · Rating 5 out of 5]

Top book on quilting porn full of real strategies to implement

Why this good is a great book on quilting porn in my opinion
1. well written to the point well researched on the subject
2. Every chapter is filled with useful material that's understandable
3. This book has real helpful strategies to quit porn and strategies on how to replace the habit with something you love
After reading 100s of books I definitely think this guy going to do massive amounts of more great work in the future

[Ramón S. · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very honest book about how and why avoiding porn and other distractions .
The author puts his heart and life in the reflections.
It had become a positive surprise to me.
Highly recommended if you are thinking in not wasting your life anymore with porn or social media

[Moneeswaran · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helped me a lot to Get back from porn addiction and direct me to a purpose in life.
Really motivates to be with a grip in no fap challenge
This book explains all the social and physiological effects of porn in our life.
Everyone must read to get relief from porn addiction and to thrive in life.
Best self improvement book I have ever read.
Easy English is very convenient to be in grip with the concept and not made me getting bored.
This is the first English book I have read completely.

[Mike Indelicato · Rating 5 out of 5]

A concise book, great book, easy to read and I highly recommend it!

This book has opened my mind for facts that i feel should have been a given. I now have a greater understanding of my life my struggles and the steps i need to take to live a more fulfilling life.

I am glad this book fell into my lap at the right time to coincide with events that has made me re-think my priorities.

Now the tough work begins.

[Natheem · Rating 5 out of 5]

Any time

[Honoka Sawada · Rating 4 out of 5]

Truly a mind opener book. This book deserves more recognition. Currently struggling with this and dude just straight up gives all the solutions in one book. It definitely has a potential to be a best-seller. I feel like this book is like a longtime friend. It feels like the author is talking to us like a friend. The only thing that needs more improvement is the coherence. Sometimes, I feel like one sentence jumps from one to the other. So, it doesn't quite flow. Other times, I have to re-read it to understand the meaning.

Honestly, this only needs a bit of proofreading, and I would've given 5 stars.

Why you should buy this book:
-Struggling with porn.
-Stuck in an evil loop watching porn.
-Want to change for the better.
-The advice given is straightforward and can be easily applied.
-Love the summary at the end of each chapter.

Conclusion: A must buy!

[Radim Sandr · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who has researched this topic for some time, has read a bunch of books and seen a bunch of talks, as well as conducted his own talks, there was not much new to me, but if I try to put myself in the position of someone who is just getting into the topic and possibly even realized that he or she has an issue with pornography, this book will definitely be benefitial in a series of different ways.

I strongly enjoyed the writing style, as it was very simple to read and will reach many people, including those who may not be that used to reading and can find it hard to focus. I am a big fan of writers such an R. Holiday, J. Clear and the likes of them, so this is really something I enjoyed, as the writing style reminds me of theirs and I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a connection and some influence there.

Straight-forward, efficient, clean, honest. Giving this 5/5 in hopes that the book will reach more people who struggle.

[Akshunya · Rating 3 out of 5]

To start off I must say that this book is a daring attempt by the writer. I used to see addicts as weak people. In fact I used to see all the people seeking out self help books also as weak people. But now I feel that the addicts who come out and accept their addiction and who dare to seek help are actually quite daring. Respect for you brother and for all such daring people out there.

I had already finished reading this book on 26 Jan 2021, and waited for almost 1 Full Year to write the review. So yes, it is coming from a guy who has really put in the work and everything mentioned here is from my own first hand experience.

The Writing
Havard is a first time writer and therefore writing is not that extraordinary, but on the whole it was good. For example at some places the language goes a bit too informal like 'dont be a di*k!' But overall I can say that "He is not a good writer but he writes with a good intent and that shows in his writing."

The book touches many different topics, and presents them in a well structured way. There are few topics which to be honest I did not expect from a first time writer, so a really good job. Cognitive Bias is one such topic and very well connected to porn addiction.

The chapter on neurochemistry just summates the relation of each neurochemical to porn use. Some may want more details, but I found it fine.

The Reward Circuitry
To overcome any addiction, it is a must to understand the topic of reward circuitry. Description of reward circuitry could have been elaborated. YBOP (Your Brain On Porn) does a good job and covers this topic in a lot more detail. Since I have already read that book, I am a bit biased. Also, YBOP discusses flatline, which is simply put loss of libido and it should have been discussed in this book as well, but I have no idea why it wasn't.

Not just Porn
The book deals with not only porn but over stimuli of every kind, like TV, Internet, Social media etc. This, in my opinion, hits the target where other books fail.

Having a Goal!
Perhaps the biggest contribution of this book is to make us work towards a goal. Having a goal is most important. And we all have a goal, but have sadly forgotten or trying hard to forget under the spell of technological over stimuli.

Havard uses a phrase "Chip away at goals", which is a really good way of putting the mindset of doing few things daily, instead of getting too overwhelmed by the whole thing.

What clicked with me!
I can personally connect to many things already, which may be the reason why I liked the book. e.g. planning your day ahead, no digital use while approaching and getting up from sleep. Also the part that you need to have a goal to look forward to. Before reading this book I already had goals like running a marathon, being a good meditator (good enough to survive the 10 day camp of Dhamma), change job by working hard on my coding skills, and also learning Hindustani Classical Music on Bansuri (Indian Bamboo Flute). I just got a direction and heightened intensity to work towards all these goals.

Overall Journey of Mine
I started the journey by actively involving myself into many daily activities to overcome addiction, like writing journals, streak counters, daily check ins etc. Daily Check in reinforces the idea that you are actively working towards something. In the starting these things worked, but only for a couple of weeks or so.

I want to confess that the journey will not be easy. In my case, trying to overcome a decade old addiction, was definitely not easy. There are layers and layers of many mini small habits that need to be brought into your awareness again and again. There is no short cut. You learn about yourself gradually, and that build up of self knowledge eventually places you in a better position to drop your addiction.

Now at the end of this year, after spending more than 18 months, reading about this addiction and working on it, I must say that it has been one of the biggest challenges of my Life. At the end of this journey, I can say that the real journey has just begun. There are many important things to do, and the energy needs to be guided towards those tasks.

Thank you note
At the end I want to sincerely thank Havard for writing this book, which has been one of the many important things which have contributed towards this change in me.

[Abdelkrim Ibrahim · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well this book presents some good insight about the subject of porn addiction.
What I found eye opening about this book, is the fact that it mentions a list of deep and unnoticed negative effects associated to porn in various aspect of daily lives.
It also talks about multiple subjects that are well tied with porn addiction phenomena. On the same hand, it covers many psychological facts that many people experience without paying full awareness to such mind tactics.
Some good instructions and strategies are proposed to help tackle this addiction.
It's a good read, I recommend it for people who want to go deeper in their life and make the critical decision to stop consuming porn once and for all but keeps failing or relapsing.
Worth reading and leveling your knowledge about this subject.

[Ridy Sudarma · Rating 5 out of 5]

A relatively short book with a strong message: use your time wisely. Porn or other distraction will hinder you from achieving your full life since it will rob, among others, your confidence and your independence from various various chemistry

[Albert Alemany · Rating 5 out of 5]

Was about to rate it 4 stars because I wish it was longer... but it's a must read if you are interested in NoFap. Perhaps because it is the first book I read directly about porn addiction, I find it way more useful than the majority of resources on the subject (like reddit or random youtubers).

[Ben · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are lots of great ideas in this book about how to overcome porn. Havard shares some insight from his own life about why he turned to porn, but also how he was able to get away from it and live a meaningful life. If you need suggestions about how to get started, look no further.

[chongliang han · Rating 5 out of 5]

Should be longer

[Seamus Mc Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent. True.

[Valerio B · Rating 4 out of 5]

I good starting book for getting yourself in NoFap.

[Muhammad Zaman · Rating 4 out of 5]

An Amazing and Helpful Account for those who are struggling with their habits and problem, in their life.