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Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion
"This landmark book" (San Francisco Chronicle) dispels the common myths about the causes and uses of anger— for example, that expressing anger is always good for you, that suppressing anger is always unhealthy, or that women have special "anger problems" that men do not. Dr. Carol Tavris expertly examines every facet of that fascinating emotion—from genetics to stress to the rage for justice.
Fully revised and updated, Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion now includes:
* A new consideration of biological politics: Should testosterone or PMS excuse rotten tempers or aggressive actions?
* The five conditions under which anger is likely to be effective—and when it's not.
* Strategies for solving specific anger problems—chronic anger, dealing with difficult people, repeated family battles, anger after divorce or victimization, and aggressive children.
Fully revised and updated, Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion now includes:
* A new consideration of biological politics: Should testosterone or PMS excuse rotten tempers or aggressive actions?
* The five conditions under which anger is likely to be effective—and when it's not.
* Strategies for solving specific anger problems—chronic anger, dealing with difficult people, repeated family battles, anger after divorce or victimization, and aggressive children.
385 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1983
59 people are currently reading
2027 people want to read
About the author
Carol Tavris
83 books203 followersCarol Tavris earned her Ph.D. in the interdisciplinary program in social psychology at the University of Michigan, and ever since has sought to bring research from the many fields of psychology to the public. She is author of The Mismeasure of Woman, which won the Distinguished Media Contribution Award from the American Association from Applied and Preventive Psychology, and the Heritage Publications Award from Division 35 of the APA. Dr. Tavris is also the author of Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion and coauthor with Carole Wade of Invitation to Psychology; Psychology in Perspective; Critical and Creative Thinking: The case of love and war; and The Longest War: Sex Differences in Perspective. She has written on psychological topics for many different magazines, journals, edited books, and newspapers, notably the Los Angeles Times and the New York Times. She has given keynote addresses and workshops on, among other topics, critical thinking, pseudoscience in psychology, anger, gender, and psychology and the media. She has taught in the psychology department at UCLA and at the Human Relations Center of the New School for Social Research in New York. Dr. Tavris is a Fellow of the American Psychological Association and a charter Fellow of the American Psychological Society; and, for fun, a Fellow of the Committee for the Scientific Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal. When she isn't writing or lecturing, she can be found walking the trails of the Santa Monica mountains with her border collie, Sophie.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews
October 12, 2014
Certainly this book spoke to me as a therapist, someone who tries to help people who are dealing with strong feelings of all sorts but frequently anger. But it spoke to me on a personal level as well. I've been the unfortunate recipient of angry outbursts from people who seemed to believe that their feeling enraged justified their attacking me, and that their "need" to release their anger trumped my need for, well, basic respect and courtesy, to say the least. And over the course of my life, I've experienced things that have caused me to feel resentful, and it's been hard for me to let go of some of those feelings despite my intellectual understanding that holding on to these grudges was doing me no good.
So I picked up this book with a great deal of interest. I've enjoyed Carol Tavris's writing on other occasions (e.g., Mistakes Were Made But Not By Me: Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, And Hurtful Acts), and was eager to hear what she would say about anger. I wasn't disappointed.
Tavris begins by pointing out that we, as a society, have a legacy of ambivalence about anger. Having once believed in ideals of stoicism and suffering in silence, current popular thinking is that expressing anger in its full force is the only way to discharge it; otherwise, it will supposedly come out in other, more insidious forms. Beliefs abound, even among therapists, that expressing anger increases self-esteem (not true, according to research findings), that it's a necessary part of resolving conflicts (in fact, conflicts can be solved without anger), that the positive consequences of expressing anger outweigh the negative ones (actually, expressing anger often makes things worse, not better), and that venting leads to positive feelings (again, research findings beg to differ).
Tavris then describes both causes and expressions of anger across a variety of cultures, with surprising ramifications for rethinking our own views of anger. She discusses the physiology of anger, examining the conflicting evidence that anger has physical causes and the more convincing evidence that our own beliefs and interpretations of events are more relevant to whether or not we feel angry. She adeptly challenges popular theories such as "depression is anger turned inward" (something I still frequently hear from colleagues), and "Type A" individuals are more prone to heart disease (a highly simplistic and somewhat illusory correlation when one examines the research carefully).
In what may be the most relevant chapter, Tavris debunks popular views of catharsis. While some people report that they find aggressive behavior to feel tension-reducing, in fact acting aggressively frequently inflames one's anger rather than exorcising it. It also has the additional effect of provoking and upsetting the person you're in conflict with, thus exacerbating rather than mitigating whatever disagreement caused your anger.
And a big ouch moment for therapists like myself -- talking out your anger with someone else can actually make things worse, not better. Talking to others endlessly about how victimized you feel by the other person simply gives you the opportunity to rehearse and solidify your view that they're 100% wrong and you're 100% right. While talking about your anger with the goal of solving the problem can be a necessary early step, continually venting about how rotten the other person was/is simply entrenches you in your anger with them. Though it may seem counter-intuitive, well-intentioned friends and therapists who want to help someone who's suffering would do better to gradually (and kindly, of course) set limits on venting rather than offering unlimited sympathy. Similarly, Tavris brings convincing evidence that parents should set appropriate limits on excessive tantrums and sibling rivalry rather than tolerating them unconditionally based on the assumption that they represent healthy anger expression in children.
Does this mean we shouldn't express our anger at all? No, says Tavris. Sometimes it's right, and constructive, to express your anger. But first, the anger needs to be directed at the appropriate party. Second, the anger needs to be perceived as restoring justice and creating appropriate consequences. Third, the anger must either change the person who hurt you or provide you with new insights. Fourth, the recipient of your anger must be able to hear what you're saying and respond appropriately. Finally, you need to be safe from retaliation by the other person. Under those conditions, says Tavris, expressing your anger is helpful rather than harmful. Of course, it requires work and responsibility on your part to make sure that many of those conditions are met. And some of them are not in your control. Not to suggest, of course, that silent sulking and passive aggression are preferable to venting. But distracting yourself and calming down is a necessary first step before deciding whether, and how, to address your anger.
Tavris then discusses some of the stresses of modern life which have been implicated in anger -- frustration, crowds, road rage, etc. According to Tavris, the "mean drunk" is probably someone who was angry to begin with, not someone who can fairly blame alcohol for their behavior. Overall, while various stimuli can make us more susceptible to anger, self-awareness can go a long way when it comes to preventing and offsetting the consequences of these stimuli.
It seems that, notwithstanding popular gender stereotypes, both men and women are equally likely to experience and express anger in similar ways. Further, marital anger is a layered and complex condition -- often a combination of contrasting backgrounds, unrealistic expectations, petty issues taking on greater importance because they occur in a context of multiple unresolved differences, dissatisfaction with one's role in the marriage, different styles of anger expression, and many more. As I've said to many a couple, the only way to solve this is for each person to stop trying to change the other and accept responsibility for their own functioning in the relationship. While Tavris's views of spousal abuse are different from the ones I learned (I was always taught that the abuser is responsible for their abusive behavior, and the abusee is responsible for keeping themselves safe), I'm inclined to trust the validity of her statements given her general copiousness of research.
After a chapter on anger as a step toward social justice, Tavris ends by sharing suggestions for "Living with Anger and Moving Beyond It." Tavris discusses the need to employ cognitive techniques and humor to help ourselves reevaluate situations and turn our focus toward self-management and solutions rather than venting. She recognizes that some events can't be reevaluated and advises us to pick our battles and sometimes work toward acceptance rather than solving or changing things. Tavris discusses the problem of "The Difficult Person" (who doesn't have at least one in their lives?), and the importance of taking responsibility for your part of your interactions with them. She talks about divorce, and the need to move on afterward even if your ex was legitimately a jerk. She provides tips for parents of aggressive children, emphasizing the importance of consistent limit-setting and catching them being good. And she talks about when you're the victim of someone else's wrong behavior -- the need to decide to stop punishing the other person by being angry, the need to share feelings with the goal of making sense of them rather than endless venting, taking action to help others, trying to see the other person's perspective, etc.
Long and detailed though this review was, there's a lot more in the book. An excellent book on an important topic. Five stars.
So I picked up this book with a great deal of interest. I've enjoyed Carol Tavris's writing on other occasions (e.g., Mistakes Were Made But Not By Me: Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, And Hurtful Acts), and was eager to hear what she would say about anger. I wasn't disappointed.
Tavris begins by pointing out that we, as a society, have a legacy of ambivalence about anger. Having once believed in ideals of stoicism and suffering in silence, current popular thinking is that expressing anger in its full force is the only way to discharge it; otherwise, it will supposedly come out in other, more insidious forms. Beliefs abound, even among therapists, that expressing anger increases self-esteem (not true, according to research findings), that it's a necessary part of resolving conflicts (in fact, conflicts can be solved without anger), that the positive consequences of expressing anger outweigh the negative ones (actually, expressing anger often makes things worse, not better), and that venting leads to positive feelings (again, research findings beg to differ).
Tavris then describes both causes and expressions of anger across a variety of cultures, with surprising ramifications for rethinking our own views of anger. She discusses the physiology of anger, examining the conflicting evidence that anger has physical causes and the more convincing evidence that our own beliefs and interpretations of events are more relevant to whether or not we feel angry. She adeptly challenges popular theories such as "depression is anger turned inward" (something I still frequently hear from colleagues), and "Type A" individuals are more prone to heart disease (a highly simplistic and somewhat illusory correlation when one examines the research carefully).
In what may be the most relevant chapter, Tavris debunks popular views of catharsis. While some people report that they find aggressive behavior to feel tension-reducing, in fact acting aggressively frequently inflames one's anger rather than exorcising it. It also has the additional effect of provoking and upsetting the person you're in conflict with, thus exacerbating rather than mitigating whatever disagreement caused your anger.
And a big ouch moment for therapists like myself -- talking out your anger with someone else can actually make things worse, not better. Talking to others endlessly about how victimized you feel by the other person simply gives you the opportunity to rehearse and solidify your view that they're 100% wrong and you're 100% right. While talking about your anger with the goal of solving the problem can be a necessary early step, continually venting about how rotten the other person was/is simply entrenches you in your anger with them. Though it may seem counter-intuitive, well-intentioned friends and therapists who want to help someone who's suffering would do better to gradually (and kindly, of course) set limits on venting rather than offering unlimited sympathy. Similarly, Tavris brings convincing evidence that parents should set appropriate limits on excessive tantrums and sibling rivalry rather than tolerating them unconditionally based on the assumption that they represent healthy anger expression in children.
Does this mean we shouldn't express our anger at all? No, says Tavris. Sometimes it's right, and constructive, to express your anger. But first, the anger needs to be directed at the appropriate party. Second, the anger needs to be perceived as restoring justice and creating appropriate consequences. Third, the anger must either change the person who hurt you or provide you with new insights. Fourth, the recipient of your anger must be able to hear what you're saying and respond appropriately. Finally, you need to be safe from retaliation by the other person. Under those conditions, says Tavris, expressing your anger is helpful rather than harmful. Of course, it requires work and responsibility on your part to make sure that many of those conditions are met. And some of them are not in your control. Not to suggest, of course, that silent sulking and passive aggression are preferable to venting. But distracting yourself and calming down is a necessary first step before deciding whether, and how, to address your anger.
Tavris then discusses some of the stresses of modern life which have been implicated in anger -- frustration, crowds, road rage, etc. According to Tavris, the "mean drunk" is probably someone who was angry to begin with, not someone who can fairly blame alcohol for their behavior. Overall, while various stimuli can make us more susceptible to anger, self-awareness can go a long way when it comes to preventing and offsetting the consequences of these stimuli.
It seems that, notwithstanding popular gender stereotypes, both men and women are equally likely to experience and express anger in similar ways. Further, marital anger is a layered and complex condition -- often a combination of contrasting backgrounds, unrealistic expectations, petty issues taking on greater importance because they occur in a context of multiple unresolved differences, dissatisfaction with one's role in the marriage, different styles of anger expression, and many more. As I've said to many a couple, the only way to solve this is for each person to stop trying to change the other and accept responsibility for their own functioning in the relationship. While Tavris's views of spousal abuse are different from the ones I learned (I was always taught that the abuser is responsible for their abusive behavior, and the abusee is responsible for keeping themselves safe), I'm inclined to trust the validity of her statements given her general copiousness of research.
After a chapter on anger as a step toward social justice, Tavris ends by sharing suggestions for "Living with Anger and Moving Beyond It." Tavris discusses the need to employ cognitive techniques and humor to help ourselves reevaluate situations and turn our focus toward self-management and solutions rather than venting. She recognizes that some events can't be reevaluated and advises us to pick our battles and sometimes work toward acceptance rather than solving or changing things. Tavris discusses the problem of "The Difficult Person" (who doesn't have at least one in their lives?), and the importance of taking responsibility for your part of your interactions with them. She talks about divorce, and the need to move on afterward even if your ex was legitimately a jerk. She provides tips for parents of aggressive children, emphasizing the importance of consistent limit-setting and catching them being good. And she talks about when you're the victim of someone else's wrong behavior -- the need to decide to stop punishing the other person by being angry, the need to share feelings with the goal of making sense of them rather than endless venting, taking action to help others, trying to see the other person's perspective, etc.
Long and detailed though this review was, there's a lot more in the book. An excellent book on an important topic. Five stars.
November 24, 2021
Social psychologist Carol Tavris punctures some of the common misconceptions about anger in Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion. The caricatured advice we usually get is to ignore, push aside, or cover up our anger. Conversely, we may be told to release it in dramatic fashion in an act of "catharsis". Tavris presents the findings of actual research, and the resulting picture is far more nuanced. "Venting" one's anger can amplify and rehearse our frustrations to a point at which they become unhealthy and impractical, perpetuating additional anger and avoiding its root causes. Ignoring our anger can similarly keep us from addressing imbalances in our relationships and our responses to stimuli. Instead, our response should be to increase our awareness of the factors contributing to our anger. The more we can identify the circumstances in our lives, and the circumstances in the lives of those who are pissing us off, we can use anger as a guide to help us solve problems. Along the way, we should be thinking about the goals we want to achieve in a given situation, and using the delay of our analysis (count to ten, anyone?) to let our passions cool just enough to make way for our best and most rational selves to have their say. Tavris presents examples from marriage, parenting, road rage, societal injustice, and a host of relatable situations to emphasize the importance of separating what we have control over from what we do not. As we find practical ways to live within those constraints, we can productively address our anger to the actual things and people that are causing it.
You might expect such a practical and fact-laden book to be rather dry, but no! Tavris' characteristic wisdom is accompanied by her characteristic wit, and you'll find yourself laughing at... well, yourself. Because we've all bungled anger before. The relationship you save may be your own! Bonus: my co-host Carrie and I got to interview Tavris about this book for our podcast, a great interview that you can check out here.
You might expect such a practical and fact-laden book to be rather dry, but no! Tavris' characteristic wisdom is accompanied by her characteristic wit, and you'll find yourself laughing at... well, yourself. Because we've all bungled anger before. The relationship you save may be your own! Bonus: my co-host Carrie and I got to interview Tavris about this book for our podcast, a great interview that you can check out here.
August 5, 2024
“Pop psychologizing is vague and superficial enough to be meaningless.”
I had misconceptions about anger, like most of us do. Ah. Bitter is the feeling of catching yourself taking falsities for truth just because you have repeatedly heard them.
In the past, especially in the Soviet Union, we glamorised the un-emotionals. Anger? Melancholy? We had better keep it in and not show it, lest you want to be seen as psycho. Now, we know it wasn't a great idea, so we took the Western approach. It overcompensates. They say unexpressed anger is almost fatal—it will bottle up, grow in size, and come out in uglier forms. It will make you sick, depressed, even fat.
None of it is true. The author suggests that those theories are unsupported by science. For example, the need to get the anger energy out—screaming, punching pillows, whatever it is. Tavris points out, however, that the opposite is true; the less you express anger, the less angry you become. The more you engage in such reactions, the more you get used to them.
The author covers the topic from many philosophical and psychological approaches, so it's well-rounded and exciting. However, it's dated. The author wrote all he knew in 1989, and many studies have been done since. The book failed to answer all my questions about anger, especially how it leads to victim mentality and destruction.
It's worth reading, but it's not the best choice on the market.
I had misconceptions about anger, like most of us do. Ah. Bitter is the feeling of catching yourself taking falsities for truth just because you have repeatedly heard them.
In the past, especially in the Soviet Union, we glamorised the un-emotionals. Anger? Melancholy? We had better keep it in and not show it, lest you want to be seen as psycho. Now, we know it wasn't a great idea, so we took the Western approach. It overcompensates. They say unexpressed anger is almost fatal—it will bottle up, grow in size, and come out in uglier forms. It will make you sick, depressed, even fat.
None of it is true. The author suggests that those theories are unsupported by science. For example, the need to get the anger energy out—screaming, punching pillows, whatever it is. Tavris points out, however, that the opposite is true; the less you express anger, the less angry you become. The more you engage in such reactions, the more you get used to them.
The author covers the topic from many philosophical and psychological approaches, so it's well-rounded and exciting. However, it's dated. The author wrote all he knew in 1989, and many studies have been done since. The book failed to answer all my questions about anger, especially how it leads to victim mentality and destruction.
It's worth reading, but it's not the best choice on the market.
February 8, 2019
Does expressing anger make you less angry? What is anger? Why do some situations make us angry and others don’t? What's angers function? These are just some of the questions Carol Tavris explores in her book Anger.
Tavris starts out by looking at our conflicting thoughts and perceptions about this emotion. Through studies and interviews, she shows us that anger is the result of biology, culture, and mind and body. She explores how our bodies respond to anger, and looks at the myths surrounding this emotion.
I really enjoyed this book, and I liked the use of studies and interviews Tavris used throughout. An eye-opening and informative read!
Tavris starts out by looking at our conflicting thoughts and perceptions about this emotion. Through studies and interviews, she shows us that anger is the result of biology, culture, and mind and body. She explores how our bodies respond to anger, and looks at the myths surrounding this emotion.
I really enjoyed this book, and I liked the use of studies and interviews Tavris used throughout. An eye-opening and informative read!
September 14, 2020
I thoroughly enjoyed this book and the insights it offers about anger. It's more of a broad review of anger including physical, social, and cultural aspects of it. Carol Tavris debunks many popular myths about anger such as the well-known catharsis hypothesis. She takes the side of emotion regulation and taking responsibility for our actions rather than making excuses for anger and aggression. She argues that expressing every angry feeling might not be beneficial. Although it is not a self-help book, there are many examples of alternative behaviours that could be instrumented when angry. Overall, it is a good read both for psychologists who work in the field and laypeople who are interested in the topic.
April 7, 2013
First I want to state that this is not a self-help book. Instead, it is a compilation and analysis of the research on anger. The book was published in 1989, but the topics and references still seem relevant. I enjoyed the beginning chapters in which research studies and findings were presented, as well as the comparisons of social norms of anger in different cultures. Overall, it was an interesting read.
July 6, 2017
Incredible! Explores anger and its expression in multiple contexts -- feminism, relationships/marriages, children, cultural expressions. A fantastic, illuminating book that debunks many of the commonly held views on anger and shows how it is not 'intrinsic' but defined by society and culture. Anybody interested in anger and agression, whether excess of or lack of, should read this.
June 12, 2009
in our culture that sees Anger as means to "Act out" and to "suck it up" this book shows that there are healthy ways to express that anger. After reading the first chapter of showing how other cultures see and feel about anger, i wondered how "civilized" we were
August 4, 2013
If you want to know the real deal about anger- this book will REVEAL all! :) Very insightful- talks about the social aspects of anger, which I had never thought about. It gave me a new and bigger perspective which I love to to get.
October 18, 2018
It’s somewhere between a psychology and self-help type, more inclined towards the first one. By being one, it gives an insight of “why” anger and that it’s like any other emotion, and this changes the whole perspective of anger.
Overall I liked the book. Key take away for me was to evaluate if it’s worth getting angry for which you are getting angry.
One thing which I found is that a large coverage is given to spouse/partner topics, as compared to many other anger raising topics. That’s where somewhere it looks repetitive and I gave it a 4.
Overall I liked the book. Key take away for me was to evaluate if it’s worth getting angry for which you are getting angry.
One thing which I found is that a large coverage is given to spouse/partner topics, as compared to many other anger raising topics. That’s where somewhere it looks repetitive and I gave it a 4.
May 29, 2014
Its about feminists instead of anger, in which I highly say, no good. Still reading it but on the last chapter. Don't know why she has brought up women anger if both sexes gets angry. She seems to be studing more about how ladies cannot control their anger over men. I give this book thumbs down for jumping from what the title is supposed to be called. The last chapter was about angry kids, in which I'm single, so why would I care, good luck.
December 1, 2009
I read this while preparing a class on violence. This is an extremely well researched, comprehensive and useful book. I particularly appreciated her analysis of how the misinformation of Freud's theories and the misunderstanding of Darwin's theories affected our cultural views regarding how anger works. She also does a fine job of exploring cultural contexts.
February 22, 2016
I have to read this book again and take notes this time. It is definitely enlightening and should be a must read to all of us. It seems that as grown-ups we have to be responsible people without having PMS or alcohol or whatever to blame for the fog that covers so conveniently our brains sometimes :)
October 18, 2024
Poor anger. At least one person really gets you.
May 20, 2013
Really well-reasoned and original look at one of the basic human emotions. By thoroughly separating the feeling of anger from its expression, Tavris blows up a lot of common wisdom about the supposed danger of suppressing anger and comes up with common-sense guidelines for knowing what to do with your anger.
October 6, 2013
One of the most comprehensive and illuminating books I've read on anger. This isn't self-help, but there is so much helpful information that it might as well be. I got this from the library and found myself over and over wanting to highlight passages. I resisted that urge, but I WILL be buying this book so I can mark up my own copy.
Want to read
January 18, 2010Library
February 9, 2017
excellent book on the misconception of anger in society.
February 23, 2011
Pretty good book, easy to read. I enjoyed the casual reading until the last chapter "A Rage for Justice". Then I had to make a few notes (4 pages). A very good chapter!
Want to read
August 11, 2017Quoted in "Quiet"
January 5, 2022
Thus the child learns to use manipulative and coercive tactics (such as whining, yelling, and temper tantrums) as a substitute social skill.
They do not state clear rules, require compliance, praise good behavior, or consistently punish violations. Instead, they threaten, scold, nag, bluster, and "natter" at the child, but, Patterson adds, "they seldom follow through on their threats." So the child continue to misbehave.
Self-help groups allow their members to understand and reinterpret what happened to them. [...] In any crisis, Jacobs observes, people turn first to friends and family. Unfortunately, friends and relatives often don't know what to say or do, or, worse, they are critical and disapproving. Many friends try to be supportive for a while, and then lose interest. They start offering pep talks: "Chin up," they say, or "Time heals," or "It's been long enough, time to get on with your life." "Not only are these platitudes unhelpful, they are usually guilt-inducing," says Jacobs. "Now the woman still feels angry at her ex-husband, and guilty for feeling angry."
"I think the real question is whether anger is serving or destroying you," Maurer says. "Is anger moving you forward, propelling you to make a better choice next time, or is it crippling you, offering a reason to hide from the world?"
"[...] But lots of people will agree with something you want simply to avoid conflict, when in fact they don't agree. They do make life difficult, because you don't know what's going on in their heads."
In such cases, Padesky advises calm assertiveness. "State how you feel - 'I'm upset that you didn't do what you promised' - and then turn the tables on them. Instead of your usual accusation, which they will be expecting, ask, 'What prevents you from doing it? What do you recommend that we do?' At this point, shut your mouth and let the other person come up with a solution, since he has obviously been ignoring yours. You might also ask what he suggests you do if he forgets again. Now it's not your problem, but his; and you've asked him to take responsibility for solving the problem."
Eventually, the difficult person will learn that belligerent (or tearful) displays are not effective with you, and will settle down to the problem at hand.
With a difficult person won won't admit that he or she is angry with you, Padesky advises, you can act genuinely puzzled about the person's behavior. "You say, 'Look, lately you seem irritated by me. What's going on?' This often disarms any angry person. Listen to them straight through their viewpoint, even if you disagree with everything they say, even if they're distorting or exaggerating. Listen attentively, make eye contact, let them express their point of view, and agree with whatever is true."
"Don't let tears deflect you from your goals, though. You don't have to be cold, but neither should you be too supportive of the emotional display. Instead, keep the person talking; ask specific questions, such as 'What are we going to do next?'"
Anger-Reducing Perceptions:
"Bad things happen"
Empathy for the other person
"I can't fight every battle"
"She couldn't help it"
Humor and silliness
Cooling-Off Habits:
Count to 10 (or to ...)
Sleep on it
Exercise (noncompetitive)
Nip argument in bud
Meditation, relaxation
Distraction (baking bread, reading, movies)
Successful anger therapies, therefore, attack the mind (teaching the person to identify the perceptions and interpretations that generate anger), the body (teaching relaxation and cooling-off techniques to help the person calm down), and behavior (teaching new habits and skills).
Of course, as I have been arguing, there are times when only anger will make the necessary point, when gentle hints and persistent kindnesses go unheard and unheeded by the irritating spouse or government in question. A sociologist friend of mine thinks it is significant that there is a word for people who are not persecuted but believe they are ("paranoid"), whereas there is no word for people who are being persecuted but believe they are not. "Chumps?" he suggested. People who never feel angry even when it is in their own best interests to do so, who never take a stand against an injustice they can influence, win no prizes for courage, nor sympathy for their stoicism.
The moral use of anger, I believe, requires an awareness of choice and an embrace of reason. It is knowing when to become angry - "this is wrong, this I will protest" - and when to make peace; when to take action, and when to keep silent; knowing the likely cause of one's anger and not berating the blameless.
New Yorkers? A faucet drips and they go crazy. Enraged calls to the landlord! New Yorkers are the ultimate innocents. They don't see anything as a part of life; everything is a personal assault that happened to me: MY rent has gone up, MY faucet is leaking, MY job is lousy.
She has certainly captured the attitude, although I don't think it is limited to New Yorkers.
Private, reflexive ventilated rage is often justified today as a proper attack on "oppression" - sometimes actual oppression, and sometimes the normal constraints of maturity. The problem with it is that, once it has drawn attention to a grievance, it does not do much to change anything. Change, over the long haul, requires organization, patience, good humor, and the ability to negotiate and compromise; all of which may be energized by anger or killed by it.
True investigative reporting, such as uncovering governmental corruption, is one of the essential aspects of the media's job. But by attacking the media for their alleged bias, the government has successfully cowed the very institutions that ought to be monitoring it - with the acquiescence of the public, who want to be polite, and who do not want to be angry with their leaders.
What's called for is a little flare of anger, enough to guarantee our use of anger and not its use of us. This is difficult. It is much easier to extinguish anger completely, and with it all sense of caring about community or hope of change; or to let go in aggressive displays at every perceived affront, fanning the fury past containment or direction.
Rebels and dissidents challenge the complacent belief in a just world and, as the theory would predict, they are usually denigrated for their efforts. While they are alive, they may be called "cantankerous," "crazy," "hysterical," "uppity," or "duped." Dead, some of them become saints and heroes, the sterling characters of history. It's a matter of proportion. One angry rebel is crazy, three is a conspiracy, fifty is a movement.
People will accept their roles as long as they regard them as contributing to the social good and their own individual benefit, and as long as the authorities hold up their end of the bargain. They are usually prepared, though, to give the authorities an extended line of credit.
The anger that fuels revolt does not arise, therefore, from objective conditions of deprivation or misery. As long as people regard those conditions as natural and inevitable, as God's Law or man's way, they do not feel angry about them. So sociologists speak instead of "relative deprivation," the subjective comparisons that people make when they compare their actual lives to what might be possible.
Jehovah of the Old Testament and Allah of Islam are angry gods who require anger to be used freely in their service against enemies, infidels, and the wicked; but anger within the community is to be suppressed. This was a smart and successful philosophy for small nations surrounded by competing groups, the situation then and now in the Middle East.
In contrast, the religions of Taoism, Vishnuism, and Buddhism advocate the complete eradication of anger and any other emotion that serves a this-worldly desire, such as lust and greed. Because everything that happens in this world is predestined, according to these theologies, there is no point in getting riled up about evil, war, and sin. There is certainly no point in protesting one's caste; obedient behavior in this life will be rewarded with caste advancement in the next incarnation. War and anger may be an occasional necessity, but they are not to be sought after or celebrated.
Christianity stands between the martial religions and the pacifistic ones. Anger may be used to combat evil and injustice; anger is good or bad depending on its use, not its nature.
Religion, of course, offers the ultimate just world, if not in this life then in the next. Religion and political ideology organize our angers as they legitimize our social systems. Indeed all of the great religions have made the management of anger a central concern, with prescriptions designed to protect the social order and to generate anger, if at all, only on its behalf.
The other was a lawsuit, brought against my husband and me by a former friend who fell off a step in our house and broke her hip.
In both cases, anger itself was not the problem; anger is inevitable, as is conflict, between friends and loved ones. What was compelling to me about these sad events was the misery caused by the form of the anger expressed (in the family instance) and by the decision that anger was incompatible with friendship (in the friend's instance). In both cases, I learned, anger served an ulterior goal: It was merely the excuse, providing the energy to carry out a decision that had already been made.
Researchers have by now conducted dozens of experiments that show what happens then the belief in a just world clashes with an obvious fact of injustice. If you cannot do anything about the injustice, you will tend to denigrate the victim, deny the evidence, or reinterpret the event entirely.
Denigrate the victim. In a just world, innocent women are not raped. Women who are raped, therefore, must have "invited it" - by being seductive, or perhaps by merely being. Examples appear in the news much too often: [...] another judge (still in business) excused a man for raping his five-year-old daughter because the child was "particularly seductive."
The structure of the "totalitarian ego," which can mobilize considerable anger to protect itself and its beliefs, may actually be necessary to our mental health. After reviewing years of research, health psychologists Shelley Taylor and Jonathon Brown concluded that well-being virtually depends on the illusions of "overly positive self-evaluations, exaggerated perceptions of control or mastery, and unrealistic optimism." These illusions are both normal and necessary for the usual criteria of mental health: the ability to care about others, the ability to be contented, and the ability to work productively. In fact, the people who score highest on tests of self-deception (for example, who deny threatening but universal feelings, such as ever having felt guilty) score the lowest on measures of psychopathology and depression!
The ego, says Greenwald, is a "self-justifying historian" which seeks only that information that agrees with it, rewrites history when it needs to, and does not even see the evidence that threatens it. The organization of knowledge in the mind is like a library system. Our built-in biases allow us to retrieve any specific information that we need rapidly; once we make a commitment to a particular cataloging system (say, a conservative ideology or a religious framework of belief), we spend more time maintaining the system than revising it. The biases of the mind persist because they work: They preserve self-confidence, they keep our mental organization in order, and they keep us persevering toward our goals, whatever those may be. The mind's cautiousness about accepting new ideas may seem foolhardy in a world bursting with innovation and discovery, but (at least until recently) it has been an adaptive success for our species. The flash of anger that people may feel when they are threatened with conflicting information is the mind's way of protecting its organization. "My mind's made up - don't confuse me with the facts" seems to have been an oddly successful strategy in the evolution of the brain.
Some attribute anger to women or minorities of previous generations and even centuries. When they wonder why a battered woman stays with a vicious husband, blaming herself instead of him for her abuse, or why a slave does not rebel, or why the untouchables accept their caste of degradation, they are assuming that these sufferers interpret the situation as they do - and see a way out of it, as well.
The forces that keep people in their places, if not entirely contented then at least not angry, are not always as irrational as they seem. The decision that a particular situation is unjust must overcome a few psychological and practical hurdles, and so must the next decision: that the injustice merits anger instead of apathy. The question, therefore, is not simply "Why do people become angry?" but why they do not.
Of course, the greater the discrepancy between two people's backgrounds, the more occasions for disagreement are likely to turn up. The background-difference approach can be the first step toward identifying the sources of such disagreement; or, what I think is more often the case, an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for one's behavior. After all, short of living alone or marrying one's clone, who doesn't live with someone of different temperament, habits, and pleasures? Short of marrying one's sibling, who doesn't live with someone from a different background?
"Marriage and family living," says marriage counselor David Mace, "generate in normal people more anger than those people experience in any other social situation in which they habitually find themselves." [...] James Averill observes that there are at least four perfectly normal reasons that people feel angrier with loved ones and friends than with strangers or people they dislike. Close contact provides more opportunities for anger; the irritating things that loved ones do tend to be cumulative and distressing; people are more strongly motivated to get loved ones to change their ways, and anger is one attempt to get them to change; and people feel more confident and secure in expressing anger to loved ones.
Efforts to dig up the "root" of anger in marriage aren't using the right metaphor; marital anger is more like the concentric layers of an onion. [...] Most attempts to diagnose the causes of marital anger concentrate on one layer only: background differences, or the clash of personalities, or immediate issues of disagreement.
What went wrong? They may search for reasons for their reciprocal irritation without hitting on a more subtle one: a clash of conversation rules. When females talk to females, they ask more questions, fill more silences, and insert more frequent "um-hmms" and murmurs than men do. When males talk to males, both parties tend to regard any interruption as a challenge to the speaker, who may then yield his turn or speak louder to maintain it. When females talk to males, their respective language rules can create misunderstandings. He takes her supportive murmurs as a sign of agreement rather than attention, and feels irritated by her interruptions. She wonders why he isn't paying attention to her and never seems to support what she is saying.
Jerry Deffenbacher, a clinical psychologist and researcher at Colorado State University, has developed a successful therapy for people with problems with chronic anger - and that includes as many women as men. Deffenbacher treats men and women who "describe themselves as having a significant personal problem with anger and desire help for it." Males and females are angered by the same types of situations, Deffenbacher reports, and to the same degree, and they respond to treatment the same way.
But as sociologist Richard Gelles observes in Family Violence, the bond between drink and aggression disappears once you consider whether people believe they will be held responsible for their actions if they are drunk.
A counselor was interviewing a couple with a history of wife abuse. The counselor asked the husband, "Why do you beat up your wife?" The husband responded, "I can't control myself. I just lose control." The counselor, being a very wise person, asked, "Well, why don't you shoot her or stab her?" The husband had no response to that because the only answer he could have given would be "I can't shoot or stab my wife, I might hurt her." He knew very well what he was doing.
"The research shows," says Gelles, "that people do get drunk and beat their wives and children, but they are fully aware of what they are doing. So aware, in fact, that people will drink knowing that their inebriation will give them an excuse for violence."
The connection between alcohol and anger, therefore, is a social link, not a physiological one. People use alcohol as they use anger; as permission to do something they want. Psychologist G. Alan Marlatt has demonstrated this in the cleverest way: by comparing how people behave when they are actually drinking liquor (vodka and tonic) and when they think they are drinking liquor (tonic and lime juice). It turns out that thinking matters more than drinking. Men, for example, behave more belligerently when they believe they are drinking vodka than when they get the real thing but believe it's only tonic. Both men and women report feeling sexually aroused under the influence of believing they are high. And alcoholics who have a couple of tonics, thinking it's vodka, develop a "craving" for more liquor. Clearly, alcohol doesn't trigger some physiologically addictive mechanism or pull a "disinhibition" switch. Instead, it allows people to behave in stereotyped ways in accord with what they want to do and are used to doing.
May 20, 2021
Great book that has aged well over more than 3 decades. The author is a very good, fun writer. Excellent insights into anger, it's relation to Culture and expectations, and how to try to get at its root problems
A big part of anger is culture; someone’s expectations, and those not being met. There are many cultures in which anger does not play a large role; thus, when cultures collide, anger can spark when there is difference in how people “should” behave – and this difference can also be between the rules of anger rather than just between the rules themselves; anger can be the beginning of an exchange in Hispanic culture, or the end of an exchange in Anglo culture. American culture tells you you can have it all; when you cannot obtain it all, you become irritated and upset. Thus, anger is not a natural or inherent behavior, but it is more learned. Discredits theories which say you need to just “let it out” and that you will then feel better; to use anger effectively, one must get to the root of the problem; why are you angry. Just rehearing your angry choruses can actually make you more angry; the most cathartic “Get it out” strategy is to direct the anger at the target somehow, expressing it on a once and for all way to leave it behind -- I.e. the woman who sent two wine glasses and a bottle to say goodbye to her ex husband. “Confession” is about reframing, finding meaning, and putting it behind you. If you are angry at an injustice, you can learn to put the injustice in perspective, or you can try to change it head-on. Suggests a middle path for angry people feeling injustice; assign 50% of anger to external forces, but 50% to internal forces. Oftentimes anger can serve to mask an underlying issue that is easier to not address, I.e. a wife with low self esteem who is left by her husband; it is easier to remain angry at the ex husband than to address the low self-esteem. Points out the chemical reasons why hunger can be reduced by excitement, anger, or being wildly in love (epinephrine and norepinephrine). If you blame internal factors, you can feel guilt, regret, resignation and shame; if you blame external factors, you get angry at “the system.” Reiterates that some people value a way of life based in pleasure and self-indulgence, while others prefer responsibility and loyalty; those who embrace the latter may be more likely to feel powerless. Successful therapy should help break down self-deceptive, self-protective excuses to face the link between themselves and actions; if someone is a helpless slave of a problem, I.e. a bad mother, they will never get out of the trap. We like “solutions” which are easy like a vitamin because they are easier than rearranging one’s life or swallowing unbearable truth. Points out differences in Israel where the generation with the highest rate of heart disease is the first generation – they have a cultural split of value between the parents and the country; their children have an easier go at it. Being angry can push other people away and stymy the social relationships that protect people from stress and illness; thus, being type A to do well can help you in life, being type A to crush all of the competition may isolate you socially; intense feelings of frustration and fury about events out of one’s control lead to heart disease. Parental overinvolvement and the resulting bad behavior is really a plea for the parent to figure everything out for you; thus, here, the libertarian approach where children are empowered to do things and figure out solutions and meet responsibilities is the best one – echoed is the idea that having high expectations for children is good for them (as says Sowell). Suggests a middle path for discipline – a combination of authority but also of understanding, setting boundaries, and most importantly, being consistent. When people realize they can take responsibility and do things on their own, their anger dissipates. Attitude plays a huge role in how we respond to interruptions and life in general; I.e. how do we respond to the road noise on our busy street – do we like living in the city, or do we hate it. If we are interrupted constantly by the children, do we love the children, or are we sick of them. Points out that men and women are not naturally more physically angry; men just happen to be more injurious. Cultural aspects of what men are expected to do, the male role, play a larger part in aggression than in natural anger. Wnen people start to question their “place” in society, that can provoke anger on the parts of the complacent and powerful. People who overfocus on others can feel self-righteous, but in the course of helping, they stop focusing on their own problems; the more someone tries to change another, the more the other becomes entrenched in the status quo. It is thus important with anger to always ask why it is happening, identify its role and purpose. Biases of mind preserve self-confidence and keep us moving towards our goals; people can feel anger when their worldview which is settled is threatened. “People who score highest on tests of self-deception... score the lowest on measures of psychopathology and depression. Humans have a psychological need to find meaning and order in life; people get what they deserve, the sinful are punished; the belief in justice is a “fundamental delusion”; if nothing about injustice can actually done, the facts will be reinterpreted to make it just (blame the victim, deny the evidence, reinterpret). Self-blame in instances of rape tells the person that they can still be safe out there in the World; if it was actually not your fault, that means you are always at risk. The pros and cons of an authoritarian family structure; the wife gets a great deal from prohibitions on traditional male vices (smoking, drinking, ignoring kids). As points out Hoffer, and quoting De Tocqueville, “evils which are patiently endured when they seem inevitable become intolerable when once the idea of escape from them is suggested.” -- once you feel like you are close to achieving that goal, it becomes all the more desirable. People will feel angry about an injustice if they 1. want what they don’t have and 2. feel that they deserve what they do not have. Suggests a chicken and egg scenario for change – that demographic shifts and external factors drove women to work, not the women’s movement itself – financial pressures, women had worked during the war, increase of consumer culture, and jobs were available. “The ability to laugh [during Stalin] was a sign that a person could be trusted, because it signified an irreverent attitude toward history and its policemen.” Humor can be therapeutic. Dealing with insecure people, it is good to remain focused on what needs to be done; continue to frame conversations this way rather than kowtowing to bad behavior. Self help groups can help people to feel not alone; this can be more valuable than therapy, because the people have a similar issue. Survivors of tragedy do not blame themselves, and they get on with their lives; “I don’t know why me, but it wasn’t my fault.” “Prolonged anger is often a way for a person to feel that he or she is righting a wrong, simply by maintaining a punitive emotional state."
A big part of anger is culture; someone’s expectations, and those not being met. There are many cultures in which anger does not play a large role; thus, when cultures collide, anger can spark when there is difference in how people “should” behave – and this difference can also be between the rules of anger rather than just between the rules themselves; anger can be the beginning of an exchange in Hispanic culture, or the end of an exchange in Anglo culture. American culture tells you you can have it all; when you cannot obtain it all, you become irritated and upset. Thus, anger is not a natural or inherent behavior, but it is more learned. Discredits theories which say you need to just “let it out” and that you will then feel better; to use anger effectively, one must get to the root of the problem; why are you angry. Just rehearing your angry choruses can actually make you more angry; the most cathartic “Get it out” strategy is to direct the anger at the target somehow, expressing it on a once and for all way to leave it behind -- I.e. the woman who sent two wine glasses and a bottle to say goodbye to her ex husband. “Confession” is about reframing, finding meaning, and putting it behind you. If you are angry at an injustice, you can learn to put the injustice in perspective, or you can try to change it head-on. Suggests a middle path for angry people feeling injustice; assign 50% of anger to external forces, but 50% to internal forces. Oftentimes anger can serve to mask an underlying issue that is easier to not address, I.e. a wife with low self esteem who is left by her husband; it is easier to remain angry at the ex husband than to address the low self-esteem. Points out the chemical reasons why hunger can be reduced by excitement, anger, or being wildly in love (epinephrine and norepinephrine). If you blame internal factors, you can feel guilt, regret, resignation and shame; if you blame external factors, you get angry at “the system.” Reiterates that some people value a way of life based in pleasure and self-indulgence, while others prefer responsibility and loyalty; those who embrace the latter may be more likely to feel powerless. Successful therapy should help break down self-deceptive, self-protective excuses to face the link between themselves and actions; if someone is a helpless slave of a problem, I.e. a bad mother, they will never get out of the trap. We like “solutions” which are easy like a vitamin because they are easier than rearranging one’s life or swallowing unbearable truth. Points out differences in Israel where the generation with the highest rate of heart disease is the first generation – they have a cultural split of value between the parents and the country; their children have an easier go at it. Being angry can push other people away and stymy the social relationships that protect people from stress and illness; thus, being type A to do well can help you in life, being type A to crush all of the competition may isolate you socially; intense feelings of frustration and fury about events out of one’s control lead to heart disease. Parental overinvolvement and the resulting bad behavior is really a plea for the parent to figure everything out for you; thus, here, the libertarian approach where children are empowered to do things and figure out solutions and meet responsibilities is the best one – echoed is the idea that having high expectations for children is good for them (as says Sowell). Suggests a middle path for discipline – a combination of authority but also of understanding, setting boundaries, and most importantly, being consistent. When people realize they can take responsibility and do things on their own, their anger dissipates. Attitude plays a huge role in how we respond to interruptions and life in general; I.e. how do we respond to the road noise on our busy street – do we like living in the city, or do we hate it. If we are interrupted constantly by the children, do we love the children, or are we sick of them. Points out that men and women are not naturally more physically angry; men just happen to be more injurious. Cultural aspects of what men are expected to do, the male role, play a larger part in aggression than in natural anger. Wnen people start to question their “place” in society, that can provoke anger on the parts of the complacent and powerful. People who overfocus on others can feel self-righteous, but in the course of helping, they stop focusing on their own problems; the more someone tries to change another, the more the other becomes entrenched in the status quo. It is thus important with anger to always ask why it is happening, identify its role and purpose. Biases of mind preserve self-confidence and keep us moving towards our goals; people can feel anger when their worldview which is settled is threatened. “People who score highest on tests of self-deception... score the lowest on measures of psychopathology and depression. Humans have a psychological need to find meaning and order in life; people get what they deserve, the sinful are punished; the belief in justice is a “fundamental delusion”; if nothing about injustice can actually done, the facts will be reinterpreted to make it just (blame the victim, deny the evidence, reinterpret). Self-blame in instances of rape tells the person that they can still be safe out there in the World; if it was actually not your fault, that means you are always at risk. The pros and cons of an authoritarian family structure; the wife gets a great deal from prohibitions on traditional male vices (smoking, drinking, ignoring kids). As points out Hoffer, and quoting De Tocqueville, “evils which are patiently endured when they seem inevitable become intolerable when once the idea of escape from them is suggested.” -- once you feel like you are close to achieving that goal, it becomes all the more desirable. People will feel angry about an injustice if they 1. want what they don’t have and 2. feel that they deserve what they do not have. Suggests a chicken and egg scenario for change – that demographic shifts and external factors drove women to work, not the women’s movement itself – financial pressures, women had worked during the war, increase of consumer culture, and jobs were available. “The ability to laugh [during Stalin] was a sign that a person could be trusted, because it signified an irreverent attitude toward history and its policemen.” Humor can be therapeutic. Dealing with insecure people, it is good to remain focused on what needs to be done; continue to frame conversations this way rather than kowtowing to bad behavior. Self help groups can help people to feel not alone; this can be more valuable than therapy, because the people have a similar issue. Survivors of tragedy do not blame themselves, and they get on with their lives; “I don’t know why me, but it wasn’t my fault.” “Prolonged anger is often a way for a person to feel that he or she is righting a wrong, simply by maintaining a punitive emotional state."
January 27, 2023
Very helpful book.
Being a Social Psychologist, she lays out and quotes a bunch of studies, which in 2022 would likely need to be revisited. Some might find the studies a bit dense at times, but I skimmed them, and they did give many of her conclusions added credibility.
Good information on the role of extended anger (internally or in the context of continued application toward an unmoveable person or situation). Briefly introduced and incorporated family systems theory and the place of personal responsibility.
The author also spends much of the book addressing and conflicting with the idea of "raging" or "the expression of anger" as a therapeutic technique as being proposed in psychological circles. While I am not in tune with today's techniques or theories, as a lay person, I must wonder if this approach to healing and anger assessment is not passe'.
While her sections on the importance of anger in addressing injustice and moral ambivalence/apathy were very helpful, I was hoping that the author would have fleshed this area out much more. Rightly, the concern about the natural misuses and the default settings we humans have in our own self-destruction, self-worship, and simplistic thinking is important (and was very confirming and helpful for this reader). However, her place for the importance of anger in motivating us the love of others was far too brief.
Truth be told, I would have preferred the lion's share of the book and examples and discernment be on healthy anger and the complexities of its application.
Being a Social Psychologist, she lays out and quotes a bunch of studies, which in 2022 would likely need to be revisited. Some might find the studies a bit dense at times, but I skimmed them, and they did give many of her conclusions added credibility.
Good information on the role of extended anger (internally or in the context of continued application toward an unmoveable person or situation). Briefly introduced and incorporated family systems theory and the place of personal responsibility.
The author also spends much of the book addressing and conflicting with the idea of "raging" or "the expression of anger" as a therapeutic technique as being proposed in psychological circles. While I am not in tune with today's techniques or theories, as a lay person, I must wonder if this approach to healing and anger assessment is not passe'.
While her sections on the importance of anger in addressing injustice and moral ambivalence/apathy were very helpful, I was hoping that the author would have fleshed this area out much more. Rightly, the concern about the natural misuses and the default settings we humans have in our own self-destruction, self-worship, and simplistic thinking is important (and was very confirming and helpful for this reader). However, her place for the importance of anger in motivating us the love of others was far too brief.
Truth be told, I would have preferred the lion's share of the book and examples and discernment be on healthy anger and the complexities of its application.
September 17, 2019
I liked Tavris's conversational tone and ease of conveying the content. The chapter that I found the most helpful was the last one, "Rethinking Anger," but I appreciated the variety of topics in the book, such as the anthropological tour of expressions of anger in the chapter, "Uncivil Rites -- the Cultural Rules of Anger." What sent me to this book was a drive to teach myself how to "cool it" so I don't have to act like a fool and feel like one afterward; to be a more effective communicator with my frustration with my partner, and frankly, with my dog. Seems to me a solid thesis statement for this book is on the last page: "the ultimate purpose of thinking twice about anger is to enhance the long-term benefit of the relationship, not the short-term relief of the individual." Instead of going round and round in a tired argument with your partner, stop it in its tracks with a direct statement and question (from the "systems solution" model): "I can see I'm not being as helpful as I'd hoped. I'm out of solutions. What ideas do you have for activities that will make you feel better?" [A wife's response to her husband who is out of a job and won't look for work, and she is overly focused on him and his problem.] In short, in a market overflowing with sketchy self-help books, Tavris offered solid solutions and anecdotes in "Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion."
May 22, 2022
Ive been reading this book for quite a while every day before sleep. It took that long mainly because it feels like it lacks structure and that a lot of facts are being spread out without easily digestible narrative that hooks you in. I just think it lacks more (organized) stories and examples to make it a more interesting read.
Putting that aside, I did discover a lot of interesting things about anger I haven’t heard before. Among the most interesting ones are those about the equal distribution of anger between genders (with the expressions being different), catalizators of anger (such as heat, noice, crowds, hunger, etc.), history and potential reasons (in relationships, feeling of injustice, etc.), its bundling with other emotions (that are not easy to dissect), etc.
The main point what I got to understand is that we shouldn’t let the anger control us, and “vent it out”, as that would make more harm than the instant relief we are hoping to. Instead, we should try to contain it, try to acknowledge the feeling when it appears and get to its roots.
Overall, I think the book provides a lot of interesting information to enhance the journey of understanding this emotion. It also supplies the reader with useful resources for further reading and plenty of references for supporting studies, experiments and methods.
Putting that aside, I did discover a lot of interesting things about anger I haven’t heard before. Among the most interesting ones are those about the equal distribution of anger between genders (with the expressions being different), catalizators of anger (such as heat, noice, crowds, hunger, etc.), history and potential reasons (in relationships, feeling of injustice, etc.), its bundling with other emotions (that are not easy to dissect), etc.
The main point what I got to understand is that we shouldn’t let the anger control us, and “vent it out”, as that would make more harm than the instant relief we are hoping to. Instead, we should try to contain it, try to acknowledge the feeling when it appears and get to its roots.
Overall, I think the book provides a lot of interesting information to enhance the journey of understanding this emotion. It also supplies the reader with useful resources for further reading and plenty of references for supporting studies, experiments and methods.
March 24, 2025
Anger is a complicated emotion. Author Carol Tavris explores different aspects of anger in her 1982 book of the same name. My only issue is the age of the book. I don't know how accurate its prognoses are. Tavris focuses on differences in anger between the sexes. It covers a lot of what we now call gaslighting, or so I think.
I found it fascinating when the book examined anger in a social aspect. Different cultures deal with anger in myriad ways—for example, using humor to deflect or defuse it.
The book predates some imaging technologies. Today, I learned they invented the PET scan in 1953, and someone built a functional version in the 1960s or the 1970s. However, the PET scan doesn't track glucose or oxygen levels in the brain. The technology for that is the fMRI.
I enjoyed the book. Thanks for reading my review, and see you next time.
I found it fascinating when the book examined anger in a social aspect. Different cultures deal with anger in myriad ways—for example, using humor to deflect or defuse it.
The book predates some imaging technologies. Today, I learned they invented the PET scan in 1953, and someone built a functional version in the 1960s or the 1970s. However, the PET scan doesn't track glucose or oxygen levels in the brain. The technology for that is the fMRI.
I enjoyed the book. Thanks for reading my review, and see you next time.
December 17, 2021
I learned a lot of facts on anger in this book. I'm just not sure what to do with it.
Don't get me wrong, this is a fantastic cover-to-cover cultural and anatomical history of anger, but I'm not sure what I understand about the subject that I didn't understand prior to my reading except perhaps that my brain secretes epinephrine while I'm pissed and that controlling your epinephrine means controlling your temper. In many ways it wasn't a book meant for me because it spends a lot of time discussing cultural female anger (which is fair enough) and marital anger (which is something my spouse and I understand well).
A little dated. A little impersonal. Some people will find it a lot more pertinent than I did.
Don't get me wrong, this is a fantastic cover-to-cover cultural and anatomical history of anger, but I'm not sure what I understand about the subject that I didn't understand prior to my reading except perhaps that my brain secretes epinephrine while I'm pissed and that controlling your epinephrine means controlling your temper. In many ways it wasn't a book meant for me because it spends a lot of time discussing cultural female anger (which is fair enough) and marital anger (which is something my spouse and I understand well).
A little dated. A little impersonal. Some people will find it a lot more pertinent than I did.
March 13, 2024
Fascinating research on anger, an emotion I personally find very difficult to cope with - both within myself and from other people.
Carol Tavris reveals that scientific research disproves much of our conventional wisdom. For example, expressing or ventilating one’s anger doesn’t get it out of one’s system but entrenches the anger.
What I found helpful was the careful way Tavris examines anger - differentiating it from aggression, for example. She explores the different facets of anger - how it feels, the different social & cultural contexts in which anger is likely to be expressed or held in, the benefits & disadvantages of anger.
A worthwhile read & I can recommend this book.
Carol Tavris reveals that scientific research disproves much of our conventional wisdom. For example, expressing or ventilating one’s anger doesn’t get it out of one’s system but entrenches the anger.
What I found helpful was the careful way Tavris examines anger - differentiating it from aggression, for example. She explores the different facets of anger - how it feels, the different social & cultural contexts in which anger is likely to be expressed or held in, the benefits & disadvantages of anger.
A worthwhile read & I can recommend this book.
June 6, 2020
This was a really good book. I've had it on my to-read list for years and I finally got around to reading it.
I was really happy that this book covers some of the early theories about what causes people to get angry. It covered the differences (or rather lack of differences) between men and women when it comes to anger. It also talked about anger in the context of social movements. In this case the book focused on the women's movement. I feel like I really learned a lot from this book and I highly recommend it.
I was really happy that this book covers some of the early theories about what causes people to get angry. It covered the differences (or rather lack of differences) between men and women when it comes to anger. It also talked about anger in the context of social movements. In this case the book focused on the women's movement. I feel like I really learned a lot from this book and I highly recommend it.
October 6, 2020
If you are looking to educate yourself about anger and not jut to quick fixes, this is a very useful book. I enjoyed the well-balanced mixture of self-help (do-don't) and the insight into the cause and effects on the subject.
I saw that in some comments it was mentioned as a hard read. In my opinion is by no means a complicated/hard read. I think it is the volume of information that requires more focus compared to some other self-help books.
I certainly enjoyed reading this book, learned a lot, and will recommend this to anyone who wants to educate themselves about anger.
I saw that in some comments it was mentioned as a hard read. In my opinion is by no means a complicated/hard read. I think it is the volume of information that requires more focus compared to some other self-help books.
I certainly enjoyed reading this book, learned a lot, and will recommend this to anyone who wants to educate themselves about anger.
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