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There was Histrionic Laughter at the Clown's Cadaver
Oscillating between lyrical poetry, dramatic, confessional, and abstract the only thing that seems consistent is the amount of surprise experienced every page. Calling this book a modern poetry collection feels somewhat of a misnomer considering the novel and avant-garde imagery, its ominous and often omnipresent eye, and ultimately the transcendental climax that is difficult to compare to other works in the genre. Each poem in this book has a specific place along an emotional odyssey that blisters with novelty and an almost lynchian flare for the surreal and absurd. Whether you ultimately enjoy his words you will decide, but one certainly can never forget them. This is the matter that dreams are made of...
195 pages, Unknown Binding
First published November 13, 2020
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 40 reviews
July 12, 2023
This collection, beyond the provocative title, is described by the author himself as poetry, dream journal, and autobiography, about identity, existence, and meaning. Sidirov has a poetry--through--process approach which emphasizes experience, expression, and reflection, as well as the myriad of ways a thing observed is a thing changed, even if that object is oneself.
The writing is fun, kicky, and gay without being cute, and idiomatic without being clichéd. The kinetic and percussive feel of the writing adds to the energy of each piece.
This is most definitely worth your time.
The writing is fun, kicky, and gay without being cute, and idiomatic without being clichéd. The kinetic and percussive feel of the writing adds to the energy of each piece.
This is most definitely worth your time.
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September 20, 2021⚜ poetry review ⚜
I can see the moon
he is sitting in the sky
golden like the silk
of rumple-stilt delight
This is a unique and imaginative collection of poetry and prose in a variety of original styles. There are some truly great lines in here. And some fantastically powerful ones:
My darling, you are never broken, you have just simply changed shape.
For those who like poetry, this one is worth checking out!
Thank you to the author for the ARC.
-
we were just waiting for hope to return with a pack of cigarettes.
This book really appealed to me because the title was darn intriguing, the cover was fairly surreal (and I just watched It II and therefore have clowns on the brain), and because I love poetry.
Unfortunately, my copy had a lot of formatting errors and was hard to read in so many places that I ended up skimming a lot. I think maybe checking out a hard back copy again in future would help, so I won't rate this as the issues could entirely be technological on my end.
Thank you Netgalley for the ARC
☆ Blog | Twitter ☆
I can see the moon
he is sitting in the sky
golden like the silk
of rumple-stilt delight
This is a unique and imaginative collection of poetry and prose in a variety of original styles. There are some truly great lines in here. And some fantastically powerful ones:
My darling, you are never broken, you have just simply changed shape.
For those who like poetry, this one is worth checking out!
Thank you to the author for the ARC.
-
we were just waiting for hope to return with a pack of cigarettes.
This book really appealed to me because the title was darn intriguing, the cover was fairly surreal (and I just watched It II and therefore have clowns on the brain), and because I love poetry.
Unfortunately, my copy had a lot of formatting errors and was hard to read in so many places that I ended up skimming a lot. I think maybe checking out a hard back copy again in future would help, so I won't rate this as the issues could entirely be technological on my end.
Thank you Netgalley for the ARC
☆ Blog | Twitter ☆
June 29, 2021
An excellent first collection. The author clearly has a good command of language, and can draw from a wide range of knowledge and experience - even at just 23 years old. He has the potential to become an influential poet.
November 30, 2020
Review in progress
November 26, 2020
Perhaps this book needs to be read on paper or on a Kindle with the appropriate font. I read a pdf version, and the formatting was borderline unreadable; there were several pages on the pdf version that I unfortunately had to skip because the font was so tall and narrow and oddly spaced that my poor eyeballs couldn't parse the letters on the screen. Because of the number of pages I had to skip, I'm not including this in my 2020 reading challenge.
This writer has talent, and is certainly very confident in that, going by the book's description on here; that's not by any means a criticism. It's admirable that this author is so bold in their work and doesn't feel restricted by convention or genre expectation. Few books of poetry in 2020 are genuinely subversive, but this book breaks more rules than it follows, and that's no bad thing. The rules are clearly broken here with an actual understanding of what that breaking means, which speaks to the author's dedication to their art and making something completely different.
However, I do think this book is so very personal and so specifically written as catharsis that it loses a lot of readability. It's so abstract - really, 119 pages of loosely connected ideas, diaphanous images and incredibly opaque metaphor - that it's very, very hard to get a grip on it. I love poetry. I love abstraction. But here, there were whole pages at a time where I felt completely adrift, and unable to connect to the work at all. Abstract ideas work if they're rooted in something just tangible enough for the abstraction to hold meaning, and these poems didn't do that for me. The author also desperately needs to stop relying on a thesaurus; for example, 'I will not stop / for bouts of amour / as I have in the / lucifugous past / the waiting hours penumbral', or 'my auroral blue pools / scintillating / with rain'. I know what all of those words mean in and of themselves, but that, as an image, is so difficult to access that it fails to be evocative. I will say that the later poems don't suffer so much from this, but the first half of the book is heavy with it, and it becomes a real chore.
The poems that work best are, in my very subjective opinion, the simpler ones, where Sidirov relies less on showing off his vocabulary. Azu's Wedding was probably my favourite; I enjoyed the closeness it invoked, the intimacy, the shifting nature of their relationship. I also liked the surreal absurdity of a lot of the imagery; There Are No Monkeys Here was quite delightfully weird, and one of the poems I'd quite happily sit and analyse. 'I don't know love but I do know loving' - that's just great, really. There were lots of lines in here that, by themselves, are excellent.
Sidirov's decision not to use page numbers and to instead label each page with a word / phrase which makes up a poem is brilliant, and, perhaps a little ironically, the poem that these page 'numbers' made was by far my favourite in the whole book, and one which will linger.
I think this author has talent, and could do a lot with it; I just feel like perhaps this book was written more for them than for us, and that's fine, but it certainly makes reviewing (and indeed reading) it a little tricky. I'd happily read their other work, but perhaps with the benefit of an editor who shares their overall vision.
This writer has talent, and is certainly very confident in that, going by the book's description on here; that's not by any means a criticism. It's admirable that this author is so bold in their work and doesn't feel restricted by convention or genre expectation. Few books of poetry in 2020 are genuinely subversive, but this book breaks more rules than it follows, and that's no bad thing. The rules are clearly broken here with an actual understanding of what that breaking means, which speaks to the author's dedication to their art and making something completely different.
However, I do think this book is so very personal and so specifically written as catharsis that it loses a lot of readability. It's so abstract - really, 119 pages of loosely connected ideas, diaphanous images and incredibly opaque metaphor - that it's very, very hard to get a grip on it. I love poetry. I love abstraction. But here, there were whole pages at a time where I felt completely adrift, and unable to connect to the work at all. Abstract ideas work if they're rooted in something just tangible enough for the abstraction to hold meaning, and these poems didn't do that for me. The author also desperately needs to stop relying on a thesaurus; for example, 'I will not stop / for bouts of amour / as I have in the / lucifugous past / the waiting hours penumbral', or 'my auroral blue pools / scintillating / with rain'. I know what all of those words mean in and of themselves, but that, as an image, is so difficult to access that it fails to be evocative. I will say that the later poems don't suffer so much from this, but the first half of the book is heavy with it, and it becomes a real chore.
The poems that work best are, in my very subjective opinion, the simpler ones, where Sidirov relies less on showing off his vocabulary. Azu's Wedding was probably my favourite; I enjoyed the closeness it invoked, the intimacy, the shifting nature of their relationship. I also liked the surreal absurdity of a lot of the imagery; There Are No Monkeys Here was quite delightfully weird, and one of the poems I'd quite happily sit and analyse. 'I don't know love but I do know loving' - that's just great, really. There were lots of lines in here that, by themselves, are excellent.
Sidirov's decision not to use page numbers and to instead label each page with a word / phrase which makes up a poem is brilliant, and, perhaps a little ironically, the poem that these page 'numbers' made was by far my favourite in the whole book, and one which will linger.
I think this author has talent, and could do a lot with it; I just feel like perhaps this book was written more for them than for us, and that's fine, but it certainly makes reviewing (and indeed reading) it a little tricky. I'd happily read their other work, but perhaps with the benefit of an editor who shares their overall vision.
January 2, 2021
4.5 stars
I was drawn into the cover of this one firstly, and then by the description. I’m trying to read more by LGBTQ+ authors and I do enjoy poetry so this fit well with my current reads.
One thing is that it’s very experimental in style, which gaps between letters, sentences and on one occasion a page of overlapping text. This doesn’t bother me like some other reviews I’ve seen, it only adds to the emotion conveyed and the urgency of the words.
Exploring themes such as family dynamics, sexuality, mental health, and sexual assault there are some slight trigger warnings. I find it hard to review poetry because it’s so subjective, and with this being a memoir type book as well it’s double hard. I did enjoy it, I would definitely read more from the author.
My only downfall with it (and this is all on me), hence not a full five stars, is that it felt way too smart for me to be reading. I felt at times I needed a dictionary beside me to fully understand what was going on.
Thank you to NetGalley for the copy in exchange for a review!
I was drawn into the cover of this one firstly, and then by the description. I’m trying to read more by LGBTQ+ authors and I do enjoy poetry so this fit well with my current reads.
One thing is that it’s very experimental in style, which gaps between letters, sentences and on one occasion a page of overlapping text. This doesn’t bother me like some other reviews I’ve seen, it only adds to the emotion conveyed and the urgency of the words.
Exploring themes such as family dynamics, sexuality, mental health, and sexual assault there are some slight trigger warnings. I find it hard to review poetry because it’s so subjective, and with this being a memoir type book as well it’s double hard. I did enjoy it, I would definitely read more from the author.
My only downfall with it (and this is all on me), hence not a full five stars, is that it felt way too smart for me to be reading. I felt at times I needed a dictionary beside me to fully understand what was going on.
Thank you to NetGalley for the copy in exchange for a review!
November 21, 2020
Love the ride that the author takes us on! Beautifully written <3.
December 1, 2020
Some six years in the making, N. Alexsander Sidirov’s ‘There was Histrionic Laughter at the Clowns Cadaver’ is a stunningly direct collection of confessional prose that aims to both instigate and inspire. As the Russian-born author freely admits in the collection’s forward, he is a ‘complicated person,’ and thus, this collection is a ‘complicated book.’
That being said, while the Russian-born author’s prose varies wildly from page to page, haphazardly subjecting readers to vivid bursts of cinematic imagery and a disorienting layout (which, at times, reminded me of Danielewski’s ‘House of Leaves’), there’s clearly an emotional throughline tethering much of this work to an implied narrative of sorts.
Born in Siberia but raised in the relentless heat of Arizona, the geographic extremes of Sidirov’s background provide a sense of context for his work—Sidirov’s writing may be challenging, but it’s also undeniably inspired. Pieces like the “The pre-existing condition” and “God save our prom queen” (featuring the gem of a line ‘I think the lenses in my rose-colored glasses are broke, but alas, I lost the receipt) are clearly the work of a brazenly confident artist.
Depending on the vantage point, your mileage with this collection may vary, but for fans of genre-bending prose in the vein of Henry Rollins and Charles Bukowski, Sidirov’s ‘There was Histrionic Laughter at the Clowns Cadaver’ is highly recommended.
That being said, while the Russian-born author’s prose varies wildly from page to page, haphazardly subjecting readers to vivid bursts of cinematic imagery and a disorienting layout (which, at times, reminded me of Danielewski’s ‘House of Leaves’), there’s clearly an emotional throughline tethering much of this work to an implied narrative of sorts.
Born in Siberia but raised in the relentless heat of Arizona, the geographic extremes of Sidirov’s background provide a sense of context for his work—Sidirov’s writing may be challenging, but it’s also undeniably inspired. Pieces like the “The pre-existing condition” and “God save our prom queen” (featuring the gem of a line ‘I think the lenses in my rose-colored glasses are broke, but alas, I lost the receipt) are clearly the work of a brazenly confident artist.
Depending on the vantage point, your mileage with this collection may vary, but for fans of genre-bending prose in the vein of Henry Rollins and Charles Bukowski, Sidirov’s ‘There was Histrionic Laughter at the Clowns Cadaver’ is highly recommended.
December 2, 2020
“I should have known everything good died when blockbuster did.”
Man, this line got me. Like totally got me. Times were so much simpler then. So much more carefree. But no looking back. This work of art created by N. Alexsander Sidirov, is to me, an ode to life and to learning and to moving forward. I’ll admit, some of it went past me or through me and I’m not sure I totally got the intended meaning but it meant something to me.
The formatting for the ebook was a bit off but that didn’t really matter to me. I would like to read the print book as the author intended it to be read, though. I read this work in one sitting and took it all in one big gulp. I think you should, too.
Definitely a unique voice I’m eager to read more from - thank you, N. Alexsander Sidirov, for sharing a bit of yourself with us.
“That suitcase is heavy and where you’re going you’ll need to pack light”
Thank you to N. Alexsander Sidirov and #NetGallery for an ebook of #ThereWasHistrionicLaughterattheClownsCadaver for an honest review. Review will be posted on NetGallery, Goodreads, and Facebook.
P.S. Love the cover art!
Man, this line got me. Like totally got me. Times were so much simpler then. So much more carefree. But no looking back. This work of art created by N. Alexsander Sidirov, is to me, an ode to life and to learning and to moving forward. I’ll admit, some of it went past me or through me and I’m not sure I totally got the intended meaning but it meant something to me.
The formatting for the ebook was a bit off but that didn’t really matter to me. I would like to read the print book as the author intended it to be read, though. I read this work in one sitting and took it all in one big gulp. I think you should, too.
Definitely a unique voice I’m eager to read more from - thank you, N. Alexsander Sidirov, for sharing a bit of yourself with us.
“That suitcase is heavy and where you’re going you’ll need to pack light”
Thank you to N. Alexsander Sidirov and #NetGallery for an ebook of #ThereWasHistrionicLaughterattheClownsCadaver for an honest review. Review will be posted on NetGallery, Goodreads, and Facebook.
P.S. Love the cover art!
November 29, 2020
With Nietzsche’s nihilistic philosophies in "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" advising his thoughts, Sidirov creates an amalgamation of dreams, poetry and autobiography. He plays with the structural norms of poetry to create an inimitable and matchless addition to humanity’s ever-growing, indispensable collection of stories and voices.
An adept, lyrical, and vivid writer, Sidirov pulls you into a surrealist journey that suspends disbelief and magnifies the very emotions and connections that make us human. His writing about heartbreak and the afflictive lessons they teach, intimacy and its capacity to hurt and heal, and identity in the search for one’s place in this world really resonated with me. A few of my favorite lines include, “Pain demands to be heard agony begs to be held” and “I don’t know love but I do know loving I don’t know dream but I do know dreaming I don’t know be but I do know becoming”
I recommend!
An adept, lyrical, and vivid writer, Sidirov pulls you into a surrealist journey that suspends disbelief and magnifies the very emotions and connections that make us human. His writing about heartbreak and the afflictive lessons they teach, intimacy and its capacity to hurt and heal, and identity in the search for one’s place in this world really resonated with me. A few of my favorite lines include, “Pain demands to be heard agony begs to be held” and “I don’t know love but I do know loving I don’t know dream but I do know dreaming I don’t know be but I do know becoming”
I recommend!
December 14, 2020
ARC given by NetGalley for Honest Review
This collection of poetry was UNREAL to say the least. Every single page filled me with new emotion. The secret poems and messages throughout made me feel like I was on a scavenger hunt.
As a gay trans man, the lgbt themes of this book hit hard. Specifically when he speaks of the people he met during his time in the shelters.
My favorite poems were We're all Just Dancing on Something's Grave, S h e l t e r M e l t e r, SIGNS, and God is on Their Death Bed and They've Requested You by Name.
The only downside I had was that due to the formatting, some of it was hard to read.
This is a must have for any poetry lover.
This collection of poetry was UNREAL to say the least. Every single page filled me with new emotion. The secret poems and messages throughout made me feel like I was on a scavenger hunt.
As a gay trans man, the lgbt themes of this book hit hard. Specifically when he speaks of the people he met during his time in the shelters.
My favorite poems were We're all Just Dancing on Something's Grave, S h e l t e r M e l t e r, SIGNS, and God is on Their Death Bed and They've Requested You by Name.
The only downside I had was that due to the formatting, some of it was hard to read.
This is a must have for any poetry lover.
January 20, 2021
"I only ended things when my spine started to hurt from making myself small
and my chiropractor told me that he was tired of seeing me twice a week."
Between the novel use of typography and the engaging prose, this is definitely a good read. Sidirov is a talented wordsmith. It's a "read in one sitting" kind of book, but by no means an easy-to-digest read. I'll undoubtedly still be ruminating on this for a few days yet.
and my chiropractor told me that he was tired of seeing me twice a week."
Between the novel use of typography and the engaging prose, this is definitely a good read. Sidirov is a talented wordsmith. It's a "read in one sitting" kind of book, but by no means an easy-to-digest read. I'll undoubtedly still be ruminating on this for a few days yet.
March 26, 2022
Loved this collection so much however, the format I read it in made it a bit unreadable. I found it very difficult to figure it out. I decided to get a physical copy of it from the library which finally helped me understand what I was reading. I loved our this collection explored varied themes from family, sexuality to mental health conditions.
Thanks to #Netgalley for making this book available to me.
Thanks to #Netgalley for making this book available to me.
November 30, 2020
I’ve tried to review this as fairly as possible. I know poetry can be subjective. For me, I enjoyed parts of this. I realise these poems are extremely personal to the author, and for that reason, I couldn’t relate to at least half of them. I liked the occasional line or phrase, though. As a side-note to the author: in the Kindle version (purchased on 27 November) the poem Shelter Melter has a lot of random letters and symbols after it. Perhaps this is intentional/experimental? But if so, the meaning was lost on me.
December 18, 2020
In a conventional world, it is refreshing to see a writer that effortlessly and at times very intentionally goes against the norms. The vulnerability beautifully crafted in the lines of the collection of poem-like entries is unlike anything I have ever read. I really related to the whole of it being a 20 something year old gay male myself. Excited to see what is next.
December 7, 2020
I really enjoyed the poetry a great deal, especially the imagery and word choice, but I had to take off a star due to the amount of errors I found, some of which are likely intentional/stylistic, but affected my enjoyment of the work.
December 3, 2020
This is a must have book. I love it ❤️
December 5, 2020
This book is an experience - a must read!! It'll command your full attention from start to finish, sticking with you long after you've put it down. It's the perfect mix of chaos, soul, and art.
July 23, 2021
I absolutely LOVED this book. Let me start by saying I have intense attention issues and have started many books without finishing them. I not only finished this book, but I also went back to read it a second time. I got it in the mail last week after read it in 1 sitting. (ok, fine I took a few breaks to eat) but I was so engrossed in it that I was late to a 2pm zoom meeting.
It really made me feel things in my body. It moved me. I have to say though... the author is so smart and his use of language is beyond me...so I read it and frequently had to say, "Alexa, what does transmogrifies mean?" So my entire book is annotated with notes. It looks like a school text that I annotated. I only did that because he's really a wordsmith and I wanted to really appreciate his artistry and the poetry to the fullest capacity.
I felt like I really got to know the author by reading this book. It's full of beautiful imagery. He doesn't hold back in his truths. It’s the kind of “tmi” that you really want to hear that most people hold back from sharing. It's vulnerable and made me feel a catharsis...especially the part about his own regret over treating a partner poorly..because god knows I've been there. It's also filled with humor...especially the Jesus Invited me to the Orgy one!! holy cow, I laughed out loud. I love Azu’s wedding, too. It kind of made me feel sad that I don’t have a friend the way he described his friend. I also loved Heteroassassins /When I was Fighting with Charlie. The third section was my favorite, but it's all a masterpiece.
I highly recommend it and I can't wait to read more by N. Alexsander Sidirov. :) PS low key jealous that he's only 23 and already this great of a writer.
It really made me feel things in my body. It moved me. I have to say though... the author is so smart and his use of language is beyond me...so I read it and frequently had to say, "Alexa, what does transmogrifies mean?" So my entire book is annotated with notes. It looks like a school text that I annotated. I only did that because he's really a wordsmith and I wanted to really appreciate his artistry and the poetry to the fullest capacity.
I felt like I really got to know the author by reading this book. It's full of beautiful imagery. He doesn't hold back in his truths. It’s the kind of “tmi” that you really want to hear that most people hold back from sharing. It's vulnerable and made me feel a catharsis...especially the part about his own regret over treating a partner poorly..because god knows I've been there. It's also filled with humor...especially the Jesus Invited me to the Orgy one!! holy cow, I laughed out loud. I love Azu’s wedding, too. It kind of made me feel sad that I don’t have a friend the way he described his friend. I also loved Heteroassassins /When I was Fighting with Charlie. The third section was my favorite, but it's all a masterpiece.
I highly recommend it and I can't wait to read more by N. Alexsander Sidirov. :) PS low key jealous that he's only 23 and already this great of a writer.
February 3, 2021
Deeply personal & worth the read
It’s not a life changing read but I appreciated the glimpse into a life. Every once in a while a line stuck out to me and I had to pause because it hit me.
It’s not a life changing read but I appreciated the glimpse into a life. Every once in a while a line stuck out to me and I had to pause because it hit me.
July 4, 2021
Admittedly, when I saw the cover, I was hoping for some dark, horror poetry; clowns just equate horror to me, don't ask why. I was pleasantly surprised to find that wasn't the case. Instead, this offered a raw piece of the author in the form of poetry and rather vivid imagery. What I appreciated was that it caused me to slow down my reading to really focus on what was being conveyed. Normally, when I read poetry, my mind instantly translates the written word into slam poetry, speeding up with every word towards the crescendo. Overall, I greatly enjoyed this and will definitely be rereading at some point.
December 17, 2020
I received a free digital copy of this collection through a giveaway hosted on GoodReads.
Life can be rough sometimes, and for people who are outside what if considered "the norm", the past four years were nothing short of a nightmare. Rather than let a less-than-perfect life in a far-from-perfect country hold him down, however, N. Alexsander Sidirov decided to make something beautiful from his experiences, creating There was histrionic laughter as the clowns cadaver. Chronicling the ups and downs of the Sidirov's life and collected over the course of the presidency-that-shall-not-be-named, There was histrionic laughter is an experimental collection of poetry that shows the pain of being a young queer man, a orphan adopted from overseas, and the friend or family member of those struggling with mental illness. His words show much pain, but also show an inner strength of someone who continues to push forward even when the fates or the people around him sometimes try to hold him back. It also, however, immortalizes much of the happy memories and the lives of his friends and family members who stood behind him and helped to bolster him in the moments when he needed them most. It covers a variety of topics, many of which include references and language that would likely keep it from being taught in anything but perhaps a mature-minded college class, but his skill with words and expressive style make this collection worth so much more than the paper and ink (or, in the case of my copy, the pixels and electricity) with which it is printed. If you are a fan of verses that break from tradition in order to more accurately portray the human condition, then I cannot recommend this collection enough. Just tread carefully, as there are parts of this collection which will change your perception of the world around you irreversibly.
(Content warnings for: rape, physical and mental abuse, bullying, homophobia, homelessness, minors in relationships with adults, sex work, mental illness, and mentions of attempted and successful suicide. I will be happy to add more warnings, if there are any I missed.)
Life can be rough sometimes, and for people who are outside what if considered "the norm", the past four years were nothing short of a nightmare. Rather than let a less-than-perfect life in a far-from-perfect country hold him down, however, N. Alexsander Sidirov decided to make something beautiful from his experiences, creating There was histrionic laughter as the clowns cadaver. Chronicling the ups and downs of the Sidirov's life and collected over the course of the presidency-that-shall-not-be-named, There was histrionic laughter is an experimental collection of poetry that shows the pain of being a young queer man, a orphan adopted from overseas, and the friend or family member of those struggling with mental illness. His words show much pain, but also show an inner strength of someone who continues to push forward even when the fates or the people around him sometimes try to hold him back. It also, however, immortalizes much of the happy memories and the lives of his friends and family members who stood behind him and helped to bolster him in the moments when he needed them most. It covers a variety of topics, many of which include references and language that would likely keep it from being taught in anything but perhaps a mature-minded college class, but his skill with words and expressive style make this collection worth so much more than the paper and ink (or, in the case of my copy, the pixels and electricity) with which it is printed. If you are a fan of verses that break from tradition in order to more accurately portray the human condition, then I cannot recommend this collection enough. Just tread carefully, as there are parts of this collection which will change your perception of the world around you irreversibly.
(Content warnings for: rape, physical and mental abuse, bullying, homophobia, homelessness, minors in relationships with adults, sex work, mental illness, and mentions of attempted and successful suicide. I will be happy to add more warnings, if there are any I missed.)
December 18, 2020
{Digital copy provided by NetGalley}
This is a truly unique work of poetry, and literature in general. It questions the nature of life, love, and modern existence, all while being very queer in the best ways.
Parts like
“I still have dreams
Where you are tearing me apart
Quartered in the quarters
Putting horse before the cart
You are throwing all your pearls at the swine - -
I think that’s me
I am picking them all up
Because a girl has got to eat
Now I am throwing stones
at the locked window
of this guy I used to be”
and
“so I am sitting here on the edge of a park bench and oblivion
just waiting for the moment when the usher lets me in”
and
“and then briefly I shake myself
from the opiate high of apathy
to look for god again
in a jello pudding recipe”
will stay with me for a long time, and I have underlined and bookmarked countless more.
As others have commented, the formatting if the digital copy is hard to read, but with zooming in I was able to combat that a little.
While I enjoyed a lot of lines, passages and pages, this collection was vague and disconnected at times, with some things working for me and some distinctly not.
Some pages just seemed pointless and annoying, vulgar at times, not always in a tasteful way, or abstraction for abstraction’s sake. Definitely more than worth a read though!
This is a truly unique work of poetry, and literature in general. It questions the nature of life, love, and modern existence, all while being very queer in the best ways.
Parts like
“I still have dreams
Where you are tearing me apart
Quartered in the quarters
Putting horse before the cart
You are throwing all your pearls at the swine - -
I think that’s me
I am picking them all up
Because a girl has got to eat
Now I am throwing stones
at the locked window
of this guy I used to be”
and
“so I am sitting here on the edge of a park bench and oblivion
just waiting for the moment when the usher lets me in”
and
“and then briefly I shake myself
from the opiate high of apathy
to look for god again
in a jello pudding recipe”
will stay with me for a long time, and I have underlined and bookmarked countless more.
As others have commented, the formatting if the digital copy is hard to read, but with zooming in I was able to combat that a little.
While I enjoyed a lot of lines, passages and pages, this collection was vague and disconnected at times, with some things working for me and some distinctly not.
Some pages just seemed pointless and annoying, vulgar at times, not always in a tasteful way, or abstraction for abstraction’s sake. Definitely more than worth a read though!
February 12, 2021
At first when I read this I didn't like it at all, not because of the words, but because the digital file I had received from Netgalley was too messy to read at all. However:
The author went out of his way to contact me, and inform me that the weird composition of everything in the digital edition of his work that I had read, was a technical mistake. He asked me to consider giving the book another try, and even sent me a kindle edition as a gift. I could not open the gift because of copyright issues, but I decided to find another way, since clearly the author was working hard and had been kind. I read the pdf of the work on my computer, and it was a lot better than on my kindle.
Anyways.
Sidirov talks about a lot of relatable and relevant topics in his poetry, like being queer, fitting in, identity, love and more. I really liked when he talked about his childhood, and the whole "TV part" was really good, and a unique idea. English is not my first language, so I sometimes struggled with the use of uncommon words, but Sidirov definitely has a sense of stringing words together that sound good, and so I was able to mostly enjoy even when I didn't understand very well. I also particularly enjoyed the poems that mentioned the ocean
The author went out of his way to contact me, and inform me that the weird composition of everything in the digital edition of his work that I had read, was a technical mistake. He asked me to consider giving the book another try, and even sent me a kindle edition as a gift. I could not open the gift because of copyright issues, but I decided to find another way, since clearly the author was working hard and had been kind. I read the pdf of the work on my computer, and it was a lot better than on my kindle.
Anyways.
Sidirov talks about a lot of relatable and relevant topics in his poetry, like being queer, fitting in, identity, love and more. I really liked when he talked about his childhood, and the whole "TV part" was really good, and a unique idea. English is not my first language, so I sometimes struggled with the use of uncommon words, but Sidirov definitely has a sense of stringing words together that sound good, and so I was able to mostly enjoy even when I didn't understand very well. I also particularly enjoyed the poems that mentioned the ocean
December 4, 2020
I got the physical copy of the book and the kindle! The book is definitely meant to be read in its physical form! The author is very confident and honestly he should be! This book is absolutely art. It’s immensely creative, philosophical and firmly rooted in its own theology (which is none). There is something about this book that is hard to shake and difficult to pin point what exactly makes it so special but it’s there. I recommend letting it wash over you, the images are immensely cinematic and the description of it being dream like and surreal is accurate. I read other reviews that criticized its confessional nature at points but I actually really appreciated those moments. I think that this book feels like a book that a lot of time has gone into and if I were Sidirov I would incredibly proud! An absolute must read for anyone who can appreciate super unique and avant garde writing. I am curious to see what he will do in future!
December 4, 2020
Having read Nietzsche’s Thus, Spoke Zarathustra
I can say that this book is incredibly interesting. For a debut it’s borderline astonishing. The poems themselves are immensely creative and very unique. It makes sense that the author had to self-publish as I cannot imagine a traditional publication publishing a poem called, Jesus invited me to the orgy. The author is clearly confident in himself and honestly he should be. His writing is we’ll-developed his voice is distinguished and he’s trying experimental styles that I can perhaps akin to writers of the 1960s. The book is immensely colorful and despite the dark parts there’s always an underlying thread of hope and understanding. I would definitely call this book an ode to life and it’s evident this writer has something really special...Kudos Sidirov I look forward to your next works
I can say that this book is incredibly interesting. For a debut it’s borderline astonishing. The poems themselves are immensely creative and very unique. It makes sense that the author had to self-publish as I cannot imagine a traditional publication publishing a poem called, Jesus invited me to the orgy. The author is clearly confident in himself and honestly he should be. His writing is we’ll-developed his voice is distinguished and he’s trying experimental styles that I can perhaps akin to writers of the 1960s. The book is immensely colorful and despite the dark parts there’s always an underlying thread of hope and understanding. I would definitely call this book an ode to life and it’s evident this writer has something really special...Kudos Sidirov I look forward to your next works
January 4, 2021
bom eu não tenho roupa pra falar desse livro
Eu acho que tudo o que eu tentar escrever sobre o livro não vai fazer jus ao que ele foi.
Ele mistura poema, poesia, prosa, metáfora, autobiografia; fala sobre amor, raiva, amizade, insegurança, etc.; brinca com a disposição das palavras, formando imagens que ajudam expressar os sentimentos; e outras coisas.
Como eu falei, não consigo expressar o que senti lendo algumas coisas, pois foram tão pessoais e representaram tantos pensamentos que eu já tive que fica difícil falar que todo mundo vai gostar do livro, porque ele vai ser diferente pra cada pessoa.
Enfim.... se você consegue ler em inglês, leia esse livro, tem no kindle unlimited e o ebook tá baratinho.
Eu acho que tudo o que eu tentar escrever sobre o livro não vai fazer jus ao que ele foi.
Ele mistura poema, poesia, prosa, metáfora, autobiografia; fala sobre amor, raiva, amizade, insegurança, etc.; brinca com a disposição das palavras, formando imagens que ajudam expressar os sentimentos; e outras coisas.
Como eu falei, não consigo expressar o que senti lendo algumas coisas, pois foram tão pessoais e representaram tantos pensamentos que eu já tive que fica difícil falar que todo mundo vai gostar do livro, porque ele vai ser diferente pra cada pessoa.
Enfim.... se você consegue ler em inglês, leia esse livro, tem no kindle unlimited e o ebook tá baratinho.
Read
February 16, 2021This book was free and sent to me as an ARC on Netgalley. However, all opinions are of my own.
Before we go into the context of the book - it’s just worth noting that the layout was weird.. I hated the writing style. It was continuous and at one point I had to skim over the words because they were displayed / l i k e t h i s.
Secondly trigger warnings: I know I’ll miss some but in this there were A LOT. Rape, sex talk, sex talk about God, suicide, mental illness, gay sex without full consent, un-pleasurable sex. sexual assault as a child & self neglect.
For this book, I won’t be rating it or commenting further.
Before we go into the context of the book - it’s just worth noting that the layout was weird.. I hated the writing style. It was continuous and at one point I had to skim over the words because they were displayed / l i k e t h i s.
Secondly trigger warnings: I know I’ll miss some but in this there were A LOT. Rape, sex talk, sex talk about God, suicide, mental illness, gay sex without full consent, un-pleasurable sex. sexual assault as a child & self neglect.
For this book, I won’t be rating it or commenting further.
June 19, 2021
This is a really beautiful collection. Some of it was too experimental and esoteric for my taste. I’ve been told my writing is rather plain, which is likely why I tend to gravitate to more direct voices than overly ornate text. It’s what speaks to me. There were some very moving confessional pieces and a number of philosophical musings that I loved deeply. It had a fairly brooding tone overall. Worth a read if you’re interested in themes of modernity, queerness, impermanence, intimate partner violence, and being an adopted child.
CW: suicide, sexual assault, child abuse
*I received and electronic ARC in exchange for an honest review*
CW: suicide, sexual assault, child abuse
*I received and electronic ARC in exchange for an honest review*
December 19, 2020
"Laughing because it was all that we could do. Laughing sometimes, is all that we can do."
this was a giveaway book, and I liked it more than I thought I would. I resonated with a lot of the themes and acts of exploration and growth. it's all over the place in ways both good and bad, but I really enjoyed the experimentation with styles throughout. not everything sticks, but I appreciate the author's guts in putting it out there. almost want to pick up the physical copy, just to see the formatting how it was intended - I do feel I missed a little of that with the kindle edition.
this was a giveaway book, and I liked it more than I thought I would. I resonated with a lot of the themes and acts of exploration and growth. it's all over the place in ways both good and bad, but I really enjoyed the experimentation with styles throughout. not everything sticks, but I appreciate the author's guts in putting it out there. almost want to pick up the physical copy, just to see the formatting how it was intended - I do feel I missed a little of that with the kindle edition.
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