How to Listen, Hear, and Validate: Break Through Invisible Barriers and Transform Your Relationships

by Patrick King

Cultivate deep connections wherever you go. Prevent 100% of conflict, misunderstanding, and loneliness.Healthy relationships involve our feelings being heard, understood, and validated. Unfortunately, this is the exception rather than the rule. Are you doing it wrong, and alienating people versus comforting them? Find out how to walk this fine line.Uncover the biggest obstacle to the intimate, healthy relationships that we desire and deserve.How to Listen, Hear, and Validate is all about our top communication struggle - our tendency to react instead of respond, and forget that our goal is to build bridges rather than walls. You’ll learn what you’ve been doing wrong, and why your efforts at getting closer to people - in deep or light manners - have failed. You’ll learn actionable techniques and frameworks to have the most productive conversations of your life - ones that will walk away with people praising how empathetic you are. Most importantly, you will gain profound insights on how to reprogram yourself into a natural communicator.No more unresolved issues, struggles to get close, or failures from ineffective communication.Patrick King is an internationally bestselling author and social skills coach. His writing draws of a variety of sources, from scientific research, academic experience, coaching, and real life experience. His struggles in his early relationships has inspired him to unravel practical ways to cultivate meaningful, reciprocative interactions. Establish vulnerable, fulfilling and satisfying relationships.•The big mistakes when we ‘listen’ to others•How to structure a style for effective validation and empathy•Scripts to validate others, to know exactly what to say•Simple tactics to make others feel loved and seen•How to use empathetic communication and active listening techniquesDid you know? Most communication problems come from a lack of validation. Are we truly paying attention to the messages others are conveying, or are we just waiting for our turn to speak? Are we listening to reply, or listening to hear? After applying the proven techniques from this book, you’ll be able to increase love, respect and satisfaction to your relationship. You’ll become the person everyone wants in their life.Connect deeper and better. Raise the standard for your relationships.

Genres: Self Help, Relationships, Communication, Nonfiction, Psychology, Personal Development

184 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 15, 2021

About the author

Patrick King is a Social Interaction Specialist, in other words, a dating, online dating, image, and communication and social skills coach based in San Francisco, California, and has been featured on numerous national publications such as Inc.com. He’s also a #1 Amazon best-selling dating and relationships author with the most popular online dating book on the market, and writes frequently on dating, love, sex, and relationships.

He focuses on using his emotional intelligence and understanding of human interaction to break down emotional barriers, instill confidence, and equip people with the tools they need for success. No pickup artistry and no gimmicks, simply a thorough mastery of human psychology delivered with a dose of real talk, perfected and honed through three years of law school.

Reviews

[Nina · Rating 5 out of 5]

This rather short title is great if you want to brush up your communication skills. King focuses on a use of language that is supportive and validates your partner’s emotions.

I enjoyed how empathetic his messages are, and some of the examples are great, though I would have wished for a few more. It does not change that this is a great title, though. It will not be enough for professional communicators such as psychotherapists, but if you just want to learn more about communicating nicely and being in the present and really listening to your friends when they need support, reassurance or validation, this book is wonderful.
5 out of 5 stars.

[Scout Collins · Rating 5 out of 5]

I SAW IT, I GOT IT (as a gift), I LOVED IT!!!!

A few years ago I was looking for books specifically to learn how to validate others well, and this was one of the only good ones I could find. I'd never heard of the author before and unfortunately couldn't get it at the library, so it sat on my TR shelf for a while.

I got it for the holidays in 2021 or 2022 (I forget) and only picked it up in 2023 when I ran out of library books. I wanted to drag out reading it because I wanted to keep getting the reminders of how to validate well. (I forget a lot of what I learned once a book is done)

This book goes over what validation is, how to validate, what invalidation is, self-validation, validation in conflicts (very important), empathy and validation, empathetic communication and a final summary at the end. Each chapter has something useful to offer (although the Validation vs. Empathy chapter was the least-enlightening for me). I was impressed and happy with the organization in this book.

I put tons of sticky notes to mark important pages, and I'm going to go back to review and write summary notes on this book. (I only do that when a book is really, really good & useful and will help me a lot in life to look back on)!

However...

THIS BOOK HAD ONE MAJOR FLAW.
The interior looks like a badly formatted Word document.
The word spacing was awful, subheadings were not bolded or underlined consistently, paragraphs were sometimes spaced strangely, chapter titles were small and weirdly spaced, at the very top of the page with a huge gap before the paragraph text started (never seen that before).
As a graphic designer and lover of visually-pleasing books, this really annoyed me and made the book seem a lot less professional. However, the book was good enough in terms of content (and being what I was looking for) to earn a 5 star rating anyway. (In reality, it's really 4.5 stars overall, because the bad formatting deserves a .5 docking).

Now, back to the good things...
For some reason validation seems to be a rare subject for self-help books, but Patrick King did an excellent job summarizing and explaining to the average reader while providing easy, concrete steps to validate (and validate better). Sometimes King leans a bit to the oversimplified side (e.g., making it something a 5th grader could understand) with examples/explanation, but on this topic it can pass, since the concept of validation doesn't come naturally to everyone (including me, I struggle with a couple aspects of it).

I learned a lot from this book and I feel a lot more educated on validation now. I understand what it is and the steps to validate others. Now, I just have to put my energy towards putting it into practice!

This book made me super curious in what else Patrick King wrote, and I ended up ordering 14 more of his books after I read some of this one. I will be reviewing those books too. I have a feeling this will end up being my favourite one - but I'm also confident the books I bought will all have something to offer. I'm not a big buyer of books, so it's a serious compliment from me to any author to buy so many books ;)

I would absolutely recommend this book to anyone who's interested in learning more about being more empathetic, validating effectively and reducing conflict in their relationships and lives. I'm a big library reader, but this is 100% a book that's worth owning because I will review it again and it is worth keeping. No regrets on asking for this for the holidays!!

[Aishwarya Iyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

A lot of this is dbt skills. It's a really good book on empathic and active listening.

[Kilian Murphy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Relationships = transformed

[Andrew P · Rating 4 out of 5]

I bought two books about validation and struggled with the other book, this book by Patrick was a far easier read and puts the message across clearly.
As someone who feels that I could have been better when listening I'm sure this book has helped teach me to show that I'm now more attentive and that I can give assurances that a message has been received and understood.
It's a book I'll read again in a few months time to refresh my memory, definitely a book that I feel everyone would benefit from reading.

[jaz zuni · Rating 5 out of 5]

somewhat repetitive but overall super useful techniques to validate others and yourself & the significance of empathy when trying to understand others perspectives

[Katie Gray · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very simple & straightforward but I appreciated the way that simple conversations were boiled down to seek understanding instead of conflict

[David Pang · Rating 3 out of 5]

Seemed a little drawn out. Took me a bit to finish even for it being such a short book. Still, I learned a lot, and I guess that’s what matters in the end. The delivery was just kinda meh.

[Natallia · Rating 4 out of 5]

меня не покидало ощущение, что книга написана как доброе, долгое и подробное объявление терпеливого собеседника Шелдону Куперу о том, как использовать/показать эмпатию во время разговора. думаю, будет полезно подросткам.

[Jeff Bobin · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the keys to communicating with others we have a relationship with is to learn to listen, hear and understand where the other person is coming from. By validating, it is not meant to agree, but to recognize the others feelings and understanding even if we completely disagree.

We shut down others from listening to us when we invalidate their thoughts and emotions because we don't understand or like them.

I found this helpful in presenting how to be a better listener, especially with those I disagree.

[Leslie Hirschaut · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you!

I am so appreciative to have stumbled upon this book. It is not a “how to” book as much as a motivator to do better and be open to learn new skills.
It explains what attitude and openness can do to change our views about ourselves and others.
In a world that emphasizes debate and demands that result in division and loneliness, we all can use this teaching to help learn ways to better communicate intimacy and understanding.

[Generous Listening by Vuslat Foundation]

On the #GenerousListeningBookClub, we explore Patrick King’s ‘𝗛𝗼𝘄 𝘁𝗼 𝗟𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗻, 𝗛𝗲𝗮𝗿, & 𝗩𝗮𝗹𝗶𝗱𝗮𝘁𝗲: 𝗕𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗸 𝗧𝗵𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵 𝗜𝗻𝘃𝗶𝘀𝗶𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗕𝗮𝗿𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗧𝗿𝗮𝗻𝘀𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗺 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗥𝗲𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽𝘀.’ 🌟

Uncover the secrets to preventing conflict, deepening understanding, and fostering connections that truly matter. 🚀

🔍 About the author: Patrick King, an internationally bestselling author and social skills coach, draws from scientific research, coaching experience, and real-life insights. Inspired by his own relationship struggles, he unravels practical ways to cultivate meaningful, reciprocative interactions.

🤝 What to expect:

• Discover the biggest obstacle to intimate, healthy relationships.
• Learn actionable techniques to have productive conversations.
• Gain insights on reprogramming yourself into a natural communicator.
• Scripts for effective validation and empathy.
• Tactics to make others feel loved and seen.

Break free from communication challenges and elevate your relationships. Are you ready to connect deeper and better? 🌟

#BookClub #DeepListening #TransformativeCommunication #GenerousListening #VuslatFoundation

[sizzle sizzle]

I've been reading this book for over a year now. I'd read a chapter, put it aside and then come back to read the next chapter and now I'm done (skim read the last 45% but that's neither here nor there).

This is a really good book. I feel like a lot of books on "being a better person (TM)" tend to feel very lofty and strange and divorced from reality. This one wasn't like that at all. It offered practical steps and examples so realistic that it's kind of uncomfortable.

Over the past year, I've found myself subconsciously validating my partner, sister, parents etc. and that's really cool to reflect on. Sometimes it's been hard. Other times it wasn't really the best approach. All the time it just helped me to be a better communicator overall (I hope lol).

I wouldn't say that this book is perfect communication gospel, but it is a pretty good start, especially if you have an avoidant attachment style. There's parts I haven't consciously tried to apply yet but I felt a lot of internal push back as I was reading it, which is all the more reason to actually try it out in real life.

I'd definitely recommend this!

[The_CozyMomChronicles · Rating 3 out of 5]

How to Listen, Hear, and Validate offers a quick and accessible introduction to communication skills, particularly for readers who may be entirely new to the concepts of active listening and emotional validation. Patrick King provides clear and digestible tips, making it a decent starting point for beginners.

However, as someone who was looking for a more in-depth and meaningful exploration, I found the book fell short. The content felt somewhat superficial and repetitive, lacking the depth, variety, and scientific grounding that could have made the message more impactful. It almost reads as if it were quickly written—possibly even AI-assisted—which left it feeling impersonal and uninspired at times.

While I wasn’t utterly dissatisfied, I was disappointed. For those looking to truly expand their communication toolkit or engage with these ideas on a deeper level, this book may not be enough. That said, it could still serve as a stepping stone for someone just beginning their journey into better connection and conversation.

[Ashley Corbin · Rating 4 out of 5]

this book was fantastic. i find myself believing that i am pretty good at being able to validate people’s feelings - but this book is going to help me take it to the next level.

there’s nothing more important than communication. no one wants to be in a position where they feel like they are talking to a wall. but how many times have we wanted to shake someone and yell, “you just aren’t listening to me! you’re invalidating how i feel and you’re making me feel horrible about it!” we’ve been on the receiving end, but what we fail to notice is that we can be the ones commiting those same, invalidating actions.

i genuinely think that this is a MUST READ for everyone. whether or not you feel like you understand the point of validation, there is something for everyone to learn. we can always make better choices to become a greater human.

[Cody · Rating 4 out of 5]

A friend gave me this book because, well, they know me. I struggle with effective communication, especially with empathy. This book has given me great clarity on the topic and a vocabulary that I didn’t previously have. It also gives practical advice for learning to become and better listener and communicator. Highly recommend for anyone that struggles with understanding how to communicate effectively with people that have feelings!

[Lauralee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Insightful. The information this book holds is beyond me, I love that the difference between Sympathy, Empathy, and Validation was brought forward. It makes you think about the past times when we were a bit (or even a lot) inconsiderate and quickly dismissing the conversations, feelings, and emotions of others, and them to us. This is very useful and powerful information moving forward with any formed relationship.

[Scott Louthan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book did a great job really explaining how validation was different than understanding or agreeing. The only thing i wish it did as well is dig into the meat of the psychology and physiological responses that occur when someone does or does not feel validated. I’m genuinely curious how feeling validated versus feeling understood/agreed changes things.

[Amy Alexander · Rating 5 out of 5]

Informative

Practical applications to take to be a more empathetic and successful listener. I was being stonewalled bu someone I cared about and I started a dialogue using some principals in the book and they opened up about how they felt. I responded by validating with empathy and then sharing my view which overlaps, but differs slightly. We shall see from there.

[Ione · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nice book! The biggest takeaways:
First:
6 levels of validation by Marsha Linehan:

1. Be present
2. Accurate reflection
3. Read person's feelings
4. Find context from their expirience
5. Normalize
6. Radical genuisness (how understanding on a very deep level, like your own experience)

And, the second biggest takeaway was ablut invalidating, that we have to be careful with it.

[Tyrone · Rating 5 out of 5]

awesome book

I really love the book, I learnt a lot and it’s really easy to understand & apply. I am definitely going to come back to it, I actually brought the book & glad I did. Really changed my life! I am a better listener & communicator now.

Thank you alot & look forward to reading more books from you .

[Lily Koi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Concise, practical, and incredibly helpful.

This gem of a book is relatively short, and yet very potent. It spells out clearly and concisely exactly what the title suggests. These easy to understand and implement concepts are helping me make tangible improvements within my personal and professional relationships. Thank you!

[laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

4 ⭐️ | a short and to the point book about the power of validation and emotional connection. would highly recommend to most people to give it a shot because the book is so short - lots of good examples and also includes reasoning behind the author’s claims without falling to the self-help book trap of too much.

[Maria · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very detailed explanation

Very detailed explanation. Has clarity.
No glossing over when describing/ or explaining:

A. examples of situations

B. Examples of appropriate approaches..

[Judith Barillas · Rating 5 out of 5]

super informative and helpful

At the end of the book I feel I understand empathy and validation much better than before! I like that the author used lots of stories to explain the concepts and also reviewed them several times. I’m encouraged to try and be a better listener!

[Monica · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eye opening

I struggled in my previous relationship with validation. I cared about my partners feelings, but I did not know how to communicate it correctly. This book has helped me with that in my friendships, and will be a huge key in any other relationship that I will form.

[David Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

wisdom for great communication

I really gained important understanding from this book. It was super insightful. A great read. I would recommend this book to anyone wanting to improve interpersonal communication and relationships.

[Gabriel pineiro · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading this book was transformational! I needed this book like 6yrs ago to better connect with my wife! It’s too late for me now but, it doesn’t have to be for you 😤 If you are having communication issues READ THIS BOOK 😁

[Benjamin Corbett-Mills · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed this in audiobook format, it’s a great, fairly short book that really helps you focus on your listening skills. I noticed a real benefit to my communication with friends and colleagues, applying the techniques of the book to more carefully listen, evaluate and respond.

[Marius · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book actually helps me in my communications with others and crucially aspects of my own personality.

It has the potential to become a five star book. For this to materialize, some serious editing is required to make it more concise. There is too much repetition and summarizing for my taste.