The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent

by Betty Martin

Why would most people endure unwanted or unsatisfying touch, rather than speak up for their own boundaries and desires? It's a question with a myriad of answers - and one that Dr. Betty Martin has explored in her 40+ years as a hands-on practitioner, first as a chiropractor and later as a Somatic Sex Educator, Certified Surrogate Partner and Sacred Intimate. In her client sessions, she noticed a pattern wherein many clients would "allow" or go along with discomfort or unease rather than speak up for what they wanted or didn't want. Betty discovered there was a major component missing for people -- the confidence that we have a choice about what is happening to us.In her framework, "The Wheel of Consent®" Betty traces the fundamental roots of consent back to our childhood conditioning. As children, we are taught that to be "good" we must ignore our body's discomfort and be to finish our food even if we're full, to go to bed - even if we're not tired, to let relatives hug and kiss us even if we don't want to. We learn that our feelings don't matter more than what is happening, and that we don't have a choice but to go along, whether or not we want it.As adults, this conditioning remains with us until we have an opportunity to unlearn it, which is why consent violations are often only called out after the violation has occurred - because we have not been taught or empowered to notice our boundaries, much less value or express our internal signals as the unwanted action is happening.In this book, Betty guides the reader through the Wheel of Consent framework, and shares practices to help us recover the ability to notice what we want and set clear boundaries. While the practices are based on exchanges of touch, they can also be learned without touch. In these practices, we discover that the Art of Giving includes knowing our own limits so we can be more generous within those limits, and not give beyond our capacity - a common problem which creates feelings of resentment or martyrdom. We also discover that the Art of Receiving invites us to notice and ask for what we really want, and not just what we think we are supposed to want. This knowledge, and its embodied practice, is foundational for creating clear agreements and bringing more satisfaction into relationships.While much of consent education focuses on noticing what we don't want, or prevention of violation, Betty has developed a "pleasure-forward" approach to teaching consent. By first accessing and awakening (sometimes re-awakening) our bodies' relationship to pleasure and what we want, we can practice noticing and verbalizing what we don't want. Such an approach provides a more holistic frame in which to unlearn the childhood conditioning that taught us to be silent and compliant, and in which individuals can learn to ask for what they want and state what they don't, in a more empowered way.The implications of this approach to consent education extends beyond touch and intimate relationships. When we forget how to notice what we really want, we lose our inner compass. When we continue to go along with things we don't feel are right, we lose our ability to speak up against injustice. This has a profound effect on society. We allow all manner of inequality, corruption, theft of natural resources and our planet's future health - because "going along with it" feels normal.The #MeToo movement exposed the pervasiveness of boundary violations in modern culture. The Wheel of Consent offers a deeply nuanced way to practice consent as an agreement that brings integrity, responsibility, and empowerment into human interaction, starting with touch and relationships, an

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Relationships, Sexuality, Self Help, Health, Communication

464 pages, Kindle Edition

Published March 3, 2021

Reviews

[Gene Z · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book about how we relate to others, and how to give and receive with more integrity and respect for other people by understanding these 4 roles.

I give it high marks for the powerful ideas:
- Expanded definition of consent
- Separating giving and receiving between who is doing the action and who it's for, creating 4 distinct roles
- Wanting-to vs. Willing-to
- Requests vs. Offers vs. Invitations
- Domains vs. Boundaries vs. Limits
- Direct vs. Indirect routes to pleasure
- Sessions vs. Conversations

The lab exercises include detailed steps and examples of how others experienced them. The expository sections were repetitive, though--something I hope gets tightened in a revised edition. There are also 8 additional chapters, currently sold separately as a PDF, which should also be included in future editions.

[Andre · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book content marked a before and an after in my life. It gave me so much practical, embodied tools to reconnect with my own agency and internalice slowly through my body my right to choose and my right to pleasure. As well that it helped me to understand myself and my surroudings more deeply. As a sexual abuse survivor, it's the ground of my healing process. The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent

[kiera gran · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not 2 be dramatic but this book genuinely changed my life. These are concepts that seem so self-explanatory, but get so muddled in our experiences, culture, environment, etc, etc, etc. As adults these things need to be returned to and relearned. Often I would stop and just sit in silence to process. Though this book focused on giving and receiving in a physical context (not solely sexual), I was deeply struck by the application to emotional aspects of giving and receiving.

A quote: “The less skill you have with self care the more you need to control what happens”

Another: “It is your nature as a human being to deserve love. You may not have received all the love you deserved or experienced the optimal expression of the love that others have felt for you but it is not because you did not deserve it. It’s because none of us have perfected the art of loving.”

WELL DAMN

I like how she explores the positives and shadow side of each quadrant. I feel like often in society, we idolize giving/being someone who always gives - but there is a very real downside to this. She explores this well in the book. She also touches on the broader implications of the positives and negatives, beyond a two person relationship, but in communities and globally.

Anyways, this book is an excellent reminder of our innate human needs and desires but captures so well the work we must do to meet them in appropriate, healthy ways, respecting the autonomy of ourselves and others- physically and emotionally.

[Spencer · Rating 4 out of 5]

You dont give consent, you arrive at it, together

Learning to receive the gifts of others cracks our hearts open

3 minute game- swap w a partner and ask/do
How do you want me to touch you for 3 min?
How do you want to touch me for 3 min?

4 quadrants on the wheel of consent:

Serving- you are doing and giving: you give your action. its for them
Its not your preference but its within your limits.
Shadow side is martyrdom

Taking- you are doing and receiving: you receive thw gift of access to them. its for you
Its your preference and within their limits.
Shadow side is stealing

Accept- they are doing and giving: you receive the gift of their action. its for you
Its your preference and within their limits
Shadow side is entitlement

Allow- they are doing and receiving: you give access to you. its for them
Its not your preference but its within your limits.
Shadow side is being a doormat

Shadow is represented in all quadrants by strategizing, manipulating transactional “gifts”.

It is possible to receive gratitude on any quadrant. It doesnt mean you are in receiving

You can experience pleasure in a relaxed or excited state. Some people experience fear in one of those states but not the other way around

Pleasure heals. Infants are born knowing how to ask for what they want

Sex desire is abt sexual expression, not sexual activity. At its most meaningful its abt seeing and being seen

We conflate sex and touch. Practice non sexual touch to learn the difference.

Follow pleasure where it is, dont tell it where it should be

The only need feelings have is for us to be with them. Try it for 90seconds

There is no safety. Only relative safety

Listen to resistance- something tender is wanting attention

The secret to improving your touch is not the outflow, its paying attention to the inflow

Dont let your partner acquiesce. Be a taker who is a guardian of their limits. Then surrender is safe.

When an activity becomes more intense, we revert to what we have always done. So slow down

“Let go” is terrible advice. It is saying you should ignore yourself and push through your resistance

Heed the inner pull, not the push
Push- i should be ok w this
Pull- this is on the edge but sounds fun, i like this! Heart, I believe you and will take care of you!

You trust yourself when you take care of your limits and listen to yourself. Learn to trust that you wont abandon yourself- this creates a sense of safety

It is a spiritual path to learn how to receive. You aren't worthy of it because you earned it and deserve it. You deserve love because you are human. Receiving brings you face to face with your vulnerability. To acknowledge wants helps you develop as a full being of integrity. You wont give in order to get. You will stop allowing in order to get any touch at all. You will stop serving in an attempt to get touch.

The shame of exposure is overridden by the glory of being seen

The intention to give does not constitute serving. This only comes when you know what they want and agree to it

Your desire is sacred. Only you can carry it. If you ignore it or go along with someone elses. Your desire dries up and you become resentful. You cant force it to be there. But its nature is to rise up - you have to make room for it

Everything is sacred or nothing is sacred

[A · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is required reading - it dissects interactions (sexual and non) with far reaching consequences such as political, environmental, and social justice situations. I would expect, based on the title and the authors’ professions, that many approach this book for insights into relational and sexual dynamics. Here, alone, the book can be insightful, even ground-breaking and disruptive (ie your sh#t or someone else’s will be handed to you). At the very least, everyone should read this book to understand consent, and it may disrupt here too - how misunderstood and appropriated consent is.

We have so much work to do, personally and collectively (and both are on my WANT list 😘)

This book was personally and professionally (sex Ed and counseling) revelatory. I suspect it will be for many. The authors deserve all.the.things - in deep gratitude for them ❤️

[Dexter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably the best and most applicable book I’ve read this year.

[aleida · Rating 5 out of 5]

a book everyone should read

[Lihong Chew · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic book full of clearly written exercises for practising essential skills for not just touch relationships, but interpersonal relationships. It’s an empowering book that offers lots for the reader to receive from wherever they are in their own journey.

[Lawrence · Rating 5 out of 5]

What are the main ideas?

* we have lots of confusion as a culture in this country (america) about how touch and sensuality and pleasure work.
* a fundamental framework for clarifying all of this is to make a clear distinction between giving and receiving. define "giving" as giving a gift and "receiving" as receiving a gift
* once you define giving and receiving like that, you can disentangle "doing" and "done-to" from giving and receiving. most of us are conditioned to believe that "done-to" is the same as receiving but it is not. when you cross "done-to" and "doing" with "giving" and "receiving" you end up with 4 different areas or quadrant that define what is happening at any (well, most) moments during a moment of touch. the quadrants you get are:

** doing + receiving
** doing + giving
** done-to + receiving
** done-to + giving

* each of those 4 quadrants has a particular magic to unlock
* everyone has a pleasure ceiling and one the other side of it are (often surprising) big feelings. it is finding your pleasure ceiling, learning what's under the feelings there, and integrating what's needed from there to expand your pleasure capacity that makes pleasure a tool for healing.
* each of the quadrants has a shadow and sometimes we are so afraid of the shadow of one or more quadrants that it keeps us wanting or being able to inhabit that/those quadrants at all.

If I implemented one idea from this book right now, which one would it be?

play the three-minute game!

How would I describe the book to a friend?

this book was an earth-shatterer for me. as i was reading it, i could feel like tectonic plates of my several of my most important relationships shift. even though it is technically about touch, it illuminates things about the dynamics of giving and receiving in so many (all?) parts of life. even though it's a long one, i felt like every page was economical and useful. even the repetition felt economical (and there is a lot of it!) because she's really tryna make sure you can't forget the main points. this book will has transformed my relationship to touch, pleasure, consent, and play.

[Kevin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great, simple framework for understanding consent—not just limited to sexual interactions but as a way of being out there. What does it mean to navigate the world with mutual agreement, with clarity about your own limits, and ability to pursue what you want or give with a full heart. (10.3hr)

[Brenna]

As a cover to cover read, this book was a bit rough. It was repetitive in places. And many chapters followed the same structure making it easy to kind of forget what was being said in that exact section.

HOWEVER - the wheel of consent is a really good tool. The way this books provides for a nuanced conception of giving and receiving pleasure is 💯. I’d probably recommend this book to folks who can take the book slowly and do all of the somatic partnered practices throughout.

[Sinclair · Rating 5 out of 5]

love this book. such essential practices for giving and receiving, consent, embodiment, and erotic practices.

[Elain Aletta · Rating 2 out of 5]

Nice framework, but could have also been written in 50 pages

[Jess · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting, but EXTREMELY repetitive. Could have got the same information across in a quarter of the length.

[Philip · Rating 5 out of 5]

I basically agree with all 5-star reviews on here. The book presents a very valuable model (“the wheel of consent”) and plenty of associated insights to come to a respectful, adult, consensual and pleasurable way to have interpersonal connections.

I believe that the model is something everyone can use. Whether this is a topic or struggling with or not. There’s always room to get better at something as valuable as this.

The book has quite a lot of repetition in it, repeating the terminology and meaning for the quadrants and dynamics over and over again. But it’s a smooth read and the subject is important enough to make sure you understand every detail, so I forgive the writers for that. I’m not sure what path I would recommend most to find out about the wheel of consent: the book, a workshop, or the videos on Betty Martin’s website/youtube. Whichever path you choose, I’m pretty sure you’ll experience it as highly valuable.

[Grainne Carr · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really is the go-to book when it comes to gaining a deep understanding of the consensual dynamics that are at play within all kinds of relationships. The author dives into the nuances of consent and the importance of noticing, valuing, trusting and communicating our needs, wants and desires in our interactions with others. I've been a student of this work for several years now and yet I was delighted to find that the Author and creator of the Wheel of Consent Model, Betty Martin finds new ways to deepen awareness and understanding of this hugely interesting and nuanced topic. Highly recommended for anyone who is a student of consent, boundaries, who works as a talk or touch based therapist or anyone who wants to become more confident in noticing and respecting their own and others boundaries.

[Cheryl · Rating 5 out of 5]

I began reading this as I am a trauma survivor and was embarking on the journey of learning to allow touch in my life. As one might imagine, I had/have some serious issues where touch is concerned. Allowing touch is one thing, but feeling the touch without a trigger, or dissociation or flinching, without feeling terror, without my young one present...in literally just allowing myself to feel her hand on my back. It was mind blowing to feel each individual finger gently stroke my arm. And then I picked up this book and the confusion began again...I am still learning.

[Ariana · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 rounding up.

This content is extraordinary and I wish that everyone had the benefit of this training from am early age and throughout the lifespan. While the content is oriented to touch-based and sexual applications, it is essential for all of human relating. I expect I will be revisiting this body of work for a long time, as I integrate, metabolize, and practice the skills and tools that are offered here.

[Martin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has clearly been written with the best intentions in mind and is packed with experience-based practical advice on personal integrity and self-expression. It boils down hard-to-grasp concepts to something tangible using simple language. I think that anyone, no matter how emotionally fluent they are, can learn something useful by reading it - and they should! :)
It tends to be repetetive, but it's OK given that it is a workbook.

[Wendy Lu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this very slowly over the last few months, and it has been such deeply substantive, meditative process. Definitely adding this to my wish list of books to own in hard copy, and definitely something I will be revisiting.

[Jane]

Interesting. It makes me think we need to have longer appointments with our OB/Gyns to discuss these issues. I was surprised by her diss of Christiane Northrup. I think any and all knowledge is useful.

[Anita Cassidy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend

[Vcmc · Rating 4 out of 5]

A clearly written, easy to follow book which describes, explains and teaches the reader jow to incorporate the wheel of consent in all forms of relationship. I found it incredibly helpful.

[Ruth Coenen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Boeiende theorie, die enorm langdradig en complex wordt uitgelegd.
Jammer dat het hele boek enkel focust op consent bij fysiek contact..

[Gavin Knittle · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most important, revealing, and humbling books I will ever read in my life.

[iread · Rating 5 out of 5]

So so grateful for this book. I keep re-reading because Betty explains ideas so well and so succinctly. It really does 'click'.

[Rachel Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great info but felt super repetitive.

[Alex Grey · Rating 5 out of 5]

While the content in the book repeats, it provides time and space for processing and internalizing it. The concepts seem simple but unpacking them in details is very helpful.

[Nat · Rating 5 out of 5]

An essential book for everyone!

[Meredith · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dnf @ 25%

Good stuff in here; I'm glad I know about this book. I may skim read the rest in the future.