While You Were Out: An Intimate Family Portrait of Mental Illness in an Era of Silence

by Meg Kissinger

From award-winning journalist Meg Kissinger, a searing memoir of a family besieged by mental illness, as well as an incisive exploration of the systems that failed them and a testament to the love that sustained them.

Growing up in the 1960s in the suburbs of Chicago, Meg Kissinger’s family seemed to live a charmed life. With eight kids and two loving parents, the Kissingers radiated a warm, boisterous energy. Whether they were spending summer days on the shores of Lake Michigan, barreling down the ski slopes, or navigating the trials of their Catholic school, the Kissingers always knew how to live large and play hard.

But behind closed doors, a harsher reality was unfolding—a heavily medicated mother hospitalized for anxiety and depression, a manic father prone to violence, and children in the throes of bipolar disorder and depression, two of whom would take their own lives. Through it all, the Kissingers faced the world with their signature dark humor and the unspoken family rule: never talk about it.

While You Were Out begins as the personal story of one family’s struggles then opens outward, as Kissinger details how childhood tragedy catalyzed a journalism career focused on exposing our country’s flawed mental health care. Combining the intimacy of memoir with the rigor of investigative reporting, the book explores the consequences of shame, the havoc of botched public policy, and the hope offered by new treatment strategies.

Powerful, candid and filled with surprising humor, this is the story of one family’s love and resilience in face of great loss.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Mental Health, Psychology, Audiobook, Biography, Mental Illness

320 pages, Hardcover

First published September 5, 2023

About the author

Meg Kissinger spent more than two decades traveling across the country to report on America’s mental health system for the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel. A Pulitzer Prize finalist, she has won dozens of accolades, including two George Polk Awards, the Robert F. Kennedy Award, awards from Investigative Reporters and Editors, and two National Journalism Awards. Kissinger teaches investigative reporting at Columbia University’s Graduate School of Journalism and was a visiting professor at DePauw University, her alma mater. Her stories on the abysmal living conditions for people with mental illness inspired changes to Wisconsin law and led to the creation of hundreds of new housing units. She lives in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, with her husband.

Reviews

[Catherine (alternativelytitledbooks) - in a book slump :( · Rating 3 out of 5]

**Many thanks to NetGalley, @CeladonBooks, and Meg Kissinger for an ARC of this book! Now available as of 9.5!!**

Meg Kissinger grew up in a veritable whirlwind of uncertainty: as one of EIGHT children, life was always an adventure. Though she had two loving parents, the duo presented one side of their personalities to the outside world, and an entirely DIFFERENT side to their family. Meg's mother recognized the presence of nascent mental health issues prior to their marriage, but perhaps didn't realize the severity until several years later...at the same time her husband's hot temper turned their home life upside down.

In the meantime, a couple of Meg's siblings started displaying symptoms of mental health issues, including bipolar disorder and suicidal ideation and everything begins to escalate. When Meg actually LOSES one of her siblings for good, the situation reaches a fever pitch. Meg pursues a career in journalism, desperate to uncover the truth behind the nature vs. nurture of mental illness and to make a difference in the way it is handled in our country. Can she finally urge her siblings to break their silence and help one another cope, all while having the bravery to share her story...with the world?

As a staunch advocate for mental illness awareness, education, and acceptance, I was very intrigued by the premise of this memoir and hoping for an emotional and impactful experience reading this book. Things were a bit slow at the start, with a VERY exhaustive family history, including discussions of the background of Kissinger's grandparents (which I'm not sure was very relevant) but I hoped after this initial info dump, things would pick up. The introduction mentions the information included in the memoir was compiled from interviews and the like, so what I was hoping to read WERE excerpts of interviews and the like to help get me into the minds and hearts of the members of this family.

But instead of feeling like I could CONNECT with Meg and her family members, I very much felt like an outsider looking in. The detail in the first half of the memoir was just TOO much for me. Instead of opening a window into her past and the thoughts and emotions that helped to shape her, I felt like I was reading very exhaustive, long-winded stories with details that didn't necessarily make an impact. I felt very sad for Meg and the situation she was in, but this was based more on the straight facts of her life than writing that showed any emotion. I'm not sure if this is just because of KIssinger's background as a journalist, but as a huge feeler, I was hoping to connect to the tales she was telling...but I felt the age gap rather dramatically. Though I'm certainly not as young as she was experiencing some of these events, I was very aware of the author's age at the time she penned this book, and in this case, it wasn't a good thing.

At the beginning of the next part however, there was a dramatic flip: Kissinger went into pure journalist mode, and I felt like I was reading a different book. Her exploration of the background of the trajectory of mental health programs in this country and the roadblocks that popped up along the way was engaging AND infuriating. We had such a potential for change in this country many years ago, and instead of moving away from mental health institutions in a pragmatic way, so many of these people were instead funneled from institutions into the prison system, or ended up on the street. THIS was my great takeaway from this book, and rather than a memoir, I was inspired to check out some of Kissinger's journalism pieces on this very subject.

While I applaud using this forum to work through the pain that Kissinger dealt with over the years, as a reader, I was missing the emotional connection I was so hoping to find, especially dealing with such sensitive subject matter. I think a book focused on her decision to WRITE this book would have been more interesting: how did she get from there to here? When I read a memoir, I tend to have the best experience as a reader when I feel as though I know the author far better after reading it. But after reading this particular memoir, much like a therapist at a withdrawn patient's very FIRST session, I felt like I had been left with FAR more questions than answers.

3.5 stars

#WhileYouWereOut #CeladonReads

[Sherri Thacker · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir is heart wrenching about a family of 10 with mental illness. There are many triggers in this book that are hard to listen to. Suicide is very imminent in this book. I had a hard time with that part as I’ve known 2 people in 4 years who committed this horrific way to go. The narrator/author is fabulous!! I could not stop listening to it. I give it all the stars!! Many thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for this awesome book in advance for my honest review. To be published September 2023.

[Alex.andthebooks · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.25/5

Świetna pozycja — niesamowite jakie zmiany w kwestii zdrowia psychicznego zaszły w ciągu ostatnich 20-30 lat, a co dopiero całego wieku.

[Thomas · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really appreciated Meg Kissinger’s honesty in this book. While some mental illness (e.g., depression, anxiety) is becoming a bit more destigmatized, severe mental illness as well as death by suicide can still be so frowned upon, so it’s powerful for Kissinger to open up about all the mental health challenges faced by her family. Especially toward the end of the book, it was so clear that she holds an incredible passion for improving the mental health system and how mental health is both treated and viewed. There are also some interesting historical elements and research included in this memoir.

I pretty much only give this book three stars instead of a higher score because I found the writing a bit dry and a little all over the place, especially for the first three quarters of the book. While the events in Kissinger’s life were dramatic and emotional and moving, the writing style felt too removed and info dumpy for me to immerse myself on the sentence level. Still, I commend Kissinger for her candor in this memoir and am all for destigmatizing mental illness.

[Meagan (Meagansbookclub) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thought this was a beautiful memoir. Lots of insights into the world of mental health and how to be a better advocate for those struggling. It was inspiring to hear about everything Meg has been able to do to help and make changes. Her reflections on her family and her ability to stay close to her siblings through all the trials she experienced is very inspiring to me. I loved the ending when the stories came together to research for this book, a few of the memories she had about her sister and mom were corrected due to information from other people who also experienced it. I thought that was so inspiring and beautiful.

[LKay · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an incredible memoir. Compellingly written and deeply researched, Meg Kissinger shares her story of growing up in a family that fought mental illness behind closed doors in an era where such struggles were not to be talked about openly. Everything was hush-hush, swept under the rug, and left to fester. It’s ultimately a devastating story as she shares that two of her siblings took their own lives. It is heartbreaking to read how little support and understanding there was leading up to their deaths, and the ripple effects that this had on the rest of the family. Throughout her lifelong career in journalism, Meg has brought to light the reality of the ways we treat people with mental illness and by sharing her story hopes to continue the fight for change.

This was a very hard review to write as Meg’s family’s story hit very close to home for me. She is close in age with my parents, and the world she grew up in is so familiar to me from hearing my parents’ own childhood stories. Mental illness runs in both sides of my family and it’s something that my parents still battle and struggle to open up about. I have always wondered what it was like for them growing up and how it shaped them into who they are, and this book gave me a peek into what it might have been like. My mom herself has said that my dad’s family just “didn’t talk about their feelings” and I can’t imagine how alienating that must have been as a struggling young adult. It was a lot to examine and wrap my head around as I read this book.

Beyond the topic of mental illness, there are so many interesting threads of history in this book that I’m dying to unravel further - the 15,000 pilots in training that died on american soil, the boom of pharmaceuticals, the “twilight sleep” that was induced upon pregnant women, John F. Kennedy Jr.’s unrealized dream of better mental healthcare. While nowadays we talk more openly about feelings of anxiety and depression, there is still a long way to go in how we treat people with mental illness and in some ways it seems as though we have regressed. It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. Why, after all these years, can we as a society still not figure this out? Why can’t we do better? When did we stop trying?

This is not a light read by any means, but an important one. It was thought-provoking in so many ways, and the story of Meg’s family is one I won’t soon forget. Thank you to the publisher for the ARC.

[Joanna Okuniewska · Rating 5 out of 5]

DOSKONALE NAPISANA, czyta się z przyjemnością i bardzo szybko. Napisana w formie pamiętnika pozwala zajrzeć w sam środek rodzinnych zmagań z zaburzeniami psychicznymi. O tym jak ważne jest to, by emocji nie izolować, a także o tym, jak ważna jest w rodzinie wspólnota. Zostanie ze mną na długo.

[Mallory · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an interesting memoir that I found to be more unlike other memoirs. The first half of the book was full of a huge amount of information (at times it left like too much information and background) and it moved slowly. The second half moved quicker but felt like a journalist discussing mental health instead of a memoir. I think the first half read more like a biography of her family and less of the author’s own experience and while I know the things she wrote about affected her I didn’t get to feel the how as it was focused on facts instead of the writer’s experience. That being said I thought the examination of how mental health has been treated using the case studies of this family was well done, moving, and a clear articulation of what isn’t working. The author is a good writer and I would be interested to look at more of her work as a journalist because she is a great journalist.

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing this book in exchange for an honest review.
Wow, what an amazing book. So much heartache and sadness for this family and their experiences with mental illness.
This book is a must-read for anyone who knows anyone with mental illness, which means everyone.

[Bonnie G. · Rating 5 out of 5]

At the height of the AIDs crisis in the 80s people did not speak of the epidemic, including President Reagan who was quite clear that if it was only killing Gay people (presumably he would have used different words) it didn't matter to real Americans. The rallying cry for those of us who disagreed was Silence=Death. That was true of AIDs, once the talking started so did the path to managing the illness. In this book Meg Kissinger wants us to know the same rules apply to mental illness.

Kissinger is a reporter who has written about America's treatment of the mentally ill for years (she has been a Pulitzer finalist and is now a professor at the Columbia School of Journalism.) She is also a member of a family that has felt the pain of mental illness more than most. Both parents were mentally ill and self-medicated with alcohol. All eight of the children (yes, 8, the Catholic church has a lot to answer for) have been affected by mental illness. Two of the eight siblings died by suicide, and two others had suicidal ideation. Through all of this, the directions to the children were clear. Shut up and deal with it. Mommy disappears for a time, shut up and deal with it. Daddy loses job after job while buying nearly everything he sees, squirreling away purchases of luxury goods so no one can see. His behavior moves the family from affluence to penury costing the children a life they saw as normal. Shut up and deal with it Children are wholly unsupervised and are seriously harmed over and over. Do not speak of it. Ambulances in front of the house are a common occurrence but no one is allowed to discuss why. The ambulances stop when one sibling suicides in a brutal manner after being repeatedly saved when trying less gruesome means. The family is told that if anyone asks it was an accident. And that silence made things worse. It made the surviving family members sicker and sadder, and possibly it took away opportunities to thwart a second suicide. And the collective silence about mental illness makes this worse for millions of other families feeling the impact of mental illness and allows the state to get away with no or substandard services.

Kissinger tells a gripping story, and makes suggestions for meaningful change in personal behavior and policy. The writing is impeccable and honest, the story relatable, the message incredibly important. Often in books like this where the writer must make herself vulnerable, the story can seem distancing -- tied to this one particular person with these very specific circumstances. That is generally fine, and there are many books I have loved where that was true. But in this book I loved that it did not feel like I was reading about one particular family, this felt like a story that impacts nearly everyone based on personal experience. It is as if she atomizes the tale rather than distilling it. This is a book that shows off the importance of a journalistic style in telling our stories.

[Jeść treść · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bardzo dobra i bardzo smutna.
Obawiałam się nieco tej osobistej perspektywy, którą operuje Meg Kissinger - w końcu opowiada o bólu, zagubieniu i samotności swoich braci, sióstr, matki, ojca... Obawiałam się, że zabraknie temu wszystkiemu struktury, a całość będzie jako non-fiction niezjadliwa.
Zupełnie niepotrzebnie, bo Kissinger jest, jak się okazuje, dziennikarką, więc pisać naprawdę potrafi, a jej osobista perspektywa ubogaca historię jej rodziny o tło społeczne i obyczajowe.

Zachęcam do czytania, myślę, że się spodoba.

[Darcia Helle · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had put off reading this one, waiting for the right mood. I was expecting an emotionally heavy and draining story. I didn’t get that here at all.

We start out with excessive detail about the author’s family, going back to her grandparents’ lives, how her parents met, etc. Then we moved on to a list of her sisters and brothers, how they related—or didn’t— to one another. We were given lots of surface information that could describe any family. I’m sorry, but it wasn’t all that interesting. I wanted to go deeper.

Then we got to a point where something awful happened to one of her siblings, and I felt… nothing. I mean, I felt bad objectively, as I would for any family in a similar situation, but that’s it. Even worse was that I couldn’t tell if the author felt anything. Of course, I know intellectually that she did, but I didn’t get any sense of emotion from her writing.

And this was the problem throughout the book. The author is a journalist, and that background followed her into this memoir. The writing is a recitation of facts, minus the emotion. I read memoirs for the emotional connection, and unfortunately that’s entirely missing here.

But this is just my opinion, and the author is certainly entitled to tell her story any way she wants. Lots of people have loved this book, and you might as well.

*I received an eARC from Celadon, via NetGalley.*

[Kasa Cotugno · Rating 5 out of 5]

Meg Kissinger, an award winning journalist, generously shares her personal history of growing up in a well-to-do family with seven siblings that harbored secrets. Until circumstances brought them a certain notoriety. Her focus has been on the silence and shame that surrounds mental illness, hoping that her own experience will encourage readers to view sufferers of bipolar disorder and Schizophrenia with as much compassion and understanding as, say, cancer. This memoir honestly approaches life with the afflictions in the house, and how it was not acknowledged. In fact, when a beloved sister ends her own life, their father insists the family reply that it was the result of an accident.

[brigitta b · Rating 5 out of 5]

heart wrenching but beautiful and important. i’ll be thinking about this one for a while

[Gel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir is intimate. The first half fascinated me. Meg describes her family of 10 in such a way that you really feel like you know them. And then, things start going sideways. With depression and bipolar disorder touching so many people in one family, the reality feels weighty. In the midst of chaos, the family is struck with a suicide. And then, another.

Meg uses the second half to investigate and shine light on the state of mental health care in our county (fyi - not good). It reads slower, but is full of good info.

Overall, an interesting memoir!

You’ll love this if you:
•like memoirs involving mental health (think, Hidden Valley Road, but from a first person perspective)
•have mental health struggles in your family

Heavy TW: suicide, bipolar disorder, and depression

Thank you Netgalley for this ARC. All opinions are my own 😊

[Marta Demianiuk · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rozdzierający serce reportaż o tym, jak słynne „kiedyś to było” to największy bullshit świata. Po takich książkach jeszcze bardziej doceniam to, w jakich czasach żyję - czasach, gdzie tyle mówi się o zdrowiu psychicznym, a choroby nie są już tabu.

Świetnie napisana, szczera, zwracająca uwagę na ważne rzeczy i… przejmująco smutna, łamiąca serce, przez co nie byłam w stanie przeczytać jej szybciej. A jednocześnie czuć w niej tę miłość do rodziny i wdzięczność za nią. Czuję, że wyląduje w topce tego roku.

[Karen Bullard · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a beautifully told tale of the impact and trauma of growing up with alcoholic and mentally ill parents and how one can stop the cycle of intergenerational trauma thru personal healing, forgiveness and love. Meg's investigative reporting background made her a perfect candidate to research her family history and getting buy-in from all her siblings was so gracious: "No Kissingers were harmed in the making of this book!" By sharing our stories, we give others permission to share theirs. Couldn't put it down and sobbed at the end and felt my own personal healing.

[Wendy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to this on audio and it was well narrated by the author. It’s Meg Kissinger’s memoir about growing up with mental illness. I appreciate her being so open about her story. We as a society try to sweep these things under the carpet and feeling ashamed instead of treating mental health as a chronic illness.
Her mother suffered from crippling depression and her father was bipolar unbeknownst to them. They went on to have 10 children because they were “good catholics”. Every child in the family was affected either by mental health themselves or the stress of caring for the parents and siblings who were affected.
I really appreciate Meg’s candidness and hope that if there people out there who also are affected in some way by mental illness that it provides some solace and encouragement to seek out help

[Marika_reads · Rating 5 out of 5]

gdyby to była fikcja, to pojawiałyby się komentarze: „to niemożliwe, żeby jedną rodzinę dotknęło tyle tragedii”
To życie pisze najbardziej nieprawdopodobne scenariusze.

wstrząsająca historia o tym jak destrukcyjne może być nie rozmawianie o emocjach

[Heidi Weitz · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have mixed feelings about this book. I really wanted to love it, or at least like it more.

This book has two parts. The first focuses more on the author’s family history, what it was like growing up in her family, and how her siblings interacted as young adults. The second part is more of a broad discussion on mental health systems in the United States and the authors experiences during her research.

There were aspects of this book that felt very familiar/relatable to me - the big catholic family, going through catholic school system, the challenge of navigating mental health struggles and the stigma people face around mental illness. I think a lot of people can relate to loving (or being) someone with a mental illness, and I think the author was brave to share her story so that people can feel less alone in these experiences. There were also things that did not work for me in this story. I felt a bit bored and confused by some of the family history that didn’t necessarily feel relevant. It was hard for me to keep track of her siblings and I didn’t feel as connected to these characters as I hoped. Did a cry like a baby at times over them? Yes. But I also felt like I was craving to know them more deeply. Maybe it would have helped to have each chapter focus on a sibling rather than sprinkle bits about them throughout the book. Part two was also a little all over the place at times. Learning about her reporting days was sometimes interesting, but it didn’t always feel very relevant and the book started to drag a bit for me.

Overall this is a candid look into how mental illness impacts a family and it does urge readers to recognize and treat mental illness as that, an illness.

I really like this cover and title so it’s earning a 4/5 aesthetic score from me

[365_ksiazek · Rating 5 out of 5]

„…na tym właśnie polegał jeden z problemów życia w mojej rodzinie. Nigdy o niczym nie rozmawialiśmy”. Tamże, s.116.

Takie rzeczy dzieją się w wielu rodzinach, a milczenie może sprawić, że umrą kolejne osoby.

Meg Kissinger opowiada historię swojej rodziny, która doświadczona została przez różne choroby psychiczne. Geny, wychowanie – nieważne, ważne, że ta rodzina nie umiała temu stawić czoła, że choroba stała się tabu.
Historia Kissingerów jest pretekstem, by opowiedzieć o niewydolnym systemie opieki nad osobami chorymi psychicznie. Od tego czasu wiele się zmieniło, ale nadal za mało się o tym mówi.
To też rzecz o osamotnieniu, ciszy i o wstydzie, a także o tym, co się dzieje, gdy ci najbardziej potrzebni są nieobecni.
Książka bardzo sprawnie napisana. Czyta się sama.
Polecam.

[Elwira Księgarka na regale · Rating 5 out of 5]

Meg Kissinger nie rzuca się na historię swojej rodziny niczym tygrys na pożarcie niewinnych ofiar. W ucieczkę przed tygrysami bawiła się razem z siostrą. Zabawa ta działała jako bezpieczna ucieczka przed trudami dzieciństwa. Meg przedstawia losy swojej historii z niebywałą czułością, przywiązaniem do szczegółów, z dozą ciepłego poczucia humoru, który jednak nie bagatelizuje problemów, jakie dotknęły jej rodzinę. Początkowo snuje opowieść, jak bajkę na dobranoc, wiernie przedstawia i kreśli postaci składające się na Kissingerów, by potem przewrócić stronę i przedstawić nam wszystkie potwory, które chowały się w szafie ich dzieciństwa. Szafa, której drzwi otworzyły się z hukiem w ich dorosłym życiu i wielu z nich zajęło lata, by przepracować wstyd i przemilczenie wokół problemów ze zdrowiem psychicznym jej bliskich.

Reportaż pokazuje też jaką drogę przeszła psychologia, a nie tylko milczenie w rodzinie wokół chorób psychicznych. Ile musiało minąć lat, ilu pacjentów nie dostało odpowiedniej pomocy, by przejść od banalnych porad w stylu: „zapisz się do bractwa, napij się ze znajomymi, zaszalej” do kompleksowej terapii i prawdziwego dialogu z terapeutą. Kissinger pokazuje jednak, że psychiatra ma jeszcze gigantyczną drogę do przejścia i jest to najmniej finansowany obszar.

Urzekającym jest fakt, że autorka pokazuje jednak też własną nieudolność, zerka krytycznie na postępowania wszystkich, włącznie ze samą sobą.

„Jeśli chcecie zostać wybitnymi dziennikarzami, musicie być gotowi na to, że historie, które opisujecie, bardzo was zranią.” - mówi do swoich studentów autorka i sama jest żywym dowodem na ten ból, który prowadzi jednocześnie do rozwinięcia niesamowitego kunsztu dziennikarstwa śledczego. Ten niesłychany reportaż napisała za zgodą i we współpracy z wciąż żyjącymi członkami swojej rodziny, osobami, które towarzyszyły im od najmłodszych lat. Całe swoje dziennikarskie życie poświęciła na pisanie o osobach w kryzysie zdrowia psychicznego i nieudolności władz oraz medycyny w pomocy chorym. Trudno przejść obok tej książki obojętnie.

Meg Kissinger rzuca światło na problem opieki i warunków bytowych osób zmagających się ze zdrowiem psychicznym - depresją, chorobą afektywną-dwubiegunową czy myślami samobójczymi, kładąc kres wstydowi otaczającemu jej rodzinę i co im się przytrafiło. „Nieobecni” choć w podtytule ma słowo „milczenie”, staje się głośnym orędziem nawołującym do zmian systemowych. W oryginale tytuł brzmi „While you were out”, swoim reportażem autorka pokazuje, że ona i jej rodzina nigdy nie będą już „out”, tylko całkowicie „in” jeśli chodzi o chorującego w rodzinie. Książka ta może stać się narzędziem w rękach rodzin, nieść pocieszenie w dzieleniu doświadczeń, a kto wie, może ocalić niejedno życie?

[allison ☆]

I personally don't rate memoirs. I did like this one though just not love.

A 10-person family that had all sorts of different mental illnesses and how it was handled by the government or should I say not handled. This was very sad.

I think it is very important to talk about how mental health is handled, especially by the government. They push it off and don't care until it is too late and by then they will still find a way to blame someone else.

People are afraid to speak out and don't know how to because mental health is not talked about or “serious” enough to be talked about.

I somehow cared about the family. Honestly, there were so many kids that it was a struggle in the beginning to remember but it got a bit easier.

My favorite part was towards the end when Meg Kissinger reached out to people that have been affected by the neglect of the government and created journals on them and did a lot to help the people and challenge the way the government and police handle mental illness.

[Sana · Rating 5 out of 5]

currently holding back tears at my library job after finishing this book. wow.

[Kcdaisymae · Rating 4 out of 5]

I could not put down this book. Meg Kissinger tells the deeply heartfelt story of the Kissinger family. This is a real story full of love, shame, misunderstanding, guilt, and generational trauma. We are treated to snapshots of the Kissinger family’s life - from the traumas 2 generations past, tender childhood memories, confusion and turmoil of teenage years, and ultimately a more complete personal understanding of Megs own life experiences.

We are not fully able to understand the many horrid choices the Kissinger family made. But we are brought into the perspective of a confused girl, not knowing why her mother has been disappearing and one unable to understand the “selfish” decisions of family members attempted suicides. This is the reality of family life and being brought back in time 50 odd years ago, when there was one psychiatrist for all of Brooklyn. When tranquilizers instead of therapy and understanding where used to “soothe jittery mothers”. This reality is seemingly unimaginable for me, who was born in the 2000s, and proudly discusses mental health with my other Zoomers. However, with a GenX mother, I have had to keep all of my struggles secret and only been able to receive help after leaving for college.

The experiences Kissinger paints are those of a large mural everyone has, no matter age. I do wish she had gone deeper in exploring the privilege her wealthy family had in terms of mental health. One of the most compelling stories she told was that of befriending a woman from the same hometown that had met her sister at a psychiatric hospital. This woman was now homeless and likely without a penny and died just a few years later. While the Kissinger family had to downsize from a 7 bedroom house, there never felt like a real threat of destitution and financial support. The story of her older brother, able to live at home with his parents into his 50s while fighting depression, would be a much different story had the Kissinger not been a wealthy family.

This is a great book that speaks loudly to our collective experiences. I would strongly recommend this to almost everyone. There are many potential triggers in this book so be aware of them before reading. While there are many light and happy moments in this book, there are many more disturbing and sad ones full of anguish. Please take care of yourself and keep an eye on loved ones.

[Kelly Hooker · Rating 4 out of 5]

From the outside, Meg Kissinger’s big Catholic family appeared to have it all. Behind closed doors, her family was plagued by mental illness. With dark humor and deep vulnerability, Meg shares the story of her traumatic childhood in her memoir, WHILE YOU WERE OUT: An Intimate Family Portrait of Mental Illness in an Era of Silence

After losing two of her siblings to suicide and reckoning with her parent’s debilitating mental illness, Meg pursued investigative journalism as a career to reconcile her trauma from the past and work to improve the systems that failed her family. Readers who enjoyed The Glass Castle won’t want to miss WHILE YOU WERE OUT.

RATING: 4/5
PUB DATE: September 5, 2023

[Diana]

A beautiful and honest memoir. Thank you, Meg, for shining a bright light on a subject that is still considered by many to be embarrassing and/or shameful.

"I learned how people with these crippling illnesses - major depression, schizophrenia, bipolar illness - are cast aside, ignored, even vilified. I knew only too well how we tend to blame them - or their families - for their sickness, as though they brought it on by some moral failure." pg. 200

[Tinichix (nicole) · Rating 5 out of 5]

RTC as I have a lot to say about this. It was incredible.

Huge thanks to Goodreads, their giveaway has in no way influenced my rating, nor was I under any obligation to review the book after reading it.

[Bookaholic__Reviews · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book really resonated with me personally for a couple of reasons. The biggest and most obvious reason is because myself and family members struggle with mental health issues. But the religious background also hit close to home because I was raised Catholic also. And it's true that in many cases mental health and Catholicism don't connect well.

Even though I am younger than the author and mental health challenges are becoming more accepted in society there's still a long way to go in breaking the stigma. I applaud Kissinger for talking about the hard things and bringing awareness by sharing her experiences with us.


I really loved how she used humor in this book although I suppose you could label that as a coping mechanism. But for me it helped because otherwise the book would have been super heavy. I think the way she wrote this will make it more digestible for a lot of readers.

Another thing I personally liked was that she opted for self narration. This really helped me connect with her and her story.

If you or a loved one suffer from mental illness I think this book is a must read.

[baby.Kkay · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir read like a real life version of the show shameless, but more than that, it paints a bigger picture of mental illness and the toll it has on not just the person struggling but everyone that loves them. Heartbreaking and real, More stories like this need to be told to continue to break the stigma that plagues mental health conditions.