Needing to Know for Sure: A Cbt-based Guide to Overcoming Compulsive Checking and Reassurance Seeking

by Sally M. Winston, Sally M. Winston

Powerful skills based in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help you break free from the fear of uncertainty and put a stop to compulsive checking and reassurance seeking. “How do I know I made the right decision?” “What if I’m wrong?” “I need to know for sure .” Do you have thoughts like these—thoughts that cause you to second-guess yourself, and lead to anxiety, stress, and worry? Do you find yourself repeatedly checking your email for no reason, asking others for their opinions about something again and again, or lying awake at night overanalyzing and planning ahead in an attempt to feel less anxious? If so, you probably have a problem with compulsive reassurance seeking. The good news is that you can break free from this “reassurance trap”—this book will show you how. In this unique guide, you’ll find proven-effective tips and tools using CBT to help you tolerate uncertainty, face specific worrying scenarios, and gradually reduce the compulsion to incessantly seek reassurance. Most importantly, you’ll learn to deal with those pesky “doubt attacks” and trust your own judgment. Asking for reassurance is a self-reinforcing behavior—if you do it, you’re less likely to handle stressful situations without needing further reassurance. And so the cycle continues. The CBT skills in this book will help you break this exhausting and painful pattern, so you can build self-confidence and improve your life.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Counselling, Audiobook, Social Work

Audio CD

First published December 1, 2019

Reviews

[??????? · Rating 5 out of 5]

Changed my life. The clearest, most effective therapy I've encountered in understanding anxiety and learning to be comfortable with uncertainty. The authors point out that forcing myself to reason with my own anxiety, or to seek reassurances, or to try to "solve" anxiety only worsens it. Mindful acceptance of the presence of anxiety allows it to pass, and builds resilience to the uncertainty underlying all anxiety. Uncertainty stops becoming a cause for fear and just...sort of folds into the tapestry of our everyday experiences.

I'm really grateful for this book, not in the least because its techniques closely mirror the philosophy of mindfulness, Taoism, and Stoicism.

[Alan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Yesterday, my friend asked me what I was doing. I sent him a picture of the front cover of this book. He replied “Holy niche”. I thought… what the hell is he talking about? How is this niche? It’s an exploration of one specific part of the circular CBT cycle of trigger, obsessive doubt, thoughts about consequences, rise in anxiety, and subsequent compulsive checking and reassurance seeking. It looks at that last key piece, being unable to handle uncertainty. How is that niche? Am I losing it? Have I lost it?

[H · Rating 5 out of 5]

IYKYK.

[Adrijana · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read as a clinician, so I’m not sure how clients may see this book, but for me, it was not too clear. I found that I struggled to apply it to tricky (ie. real!) clients I’m working or have worked with, so how will those people manage to apply these concepts then? The examples were almost always trivial, and even ridiculous at times. Wish that it was more realistic (e.g., instead of a perfectly healthy person “needing to know for sure” that they are not having a heart attack, what about a person with a heart arrhythmia? Or, instead of a person randomly worrying about health/safety of family members, without any reason, how about a person who worries but has also experienced multiple tragic losses to accidents, drugs, etc?). Some good points though, so not a complete throw away.

[Wells Woolcott · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would prefer this in stall seat journal format

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very informative and had some practical, applicable tools for laypersons to apply to their own lives outside of therapy. I wish the book had included a few less examples of checking and reassurance seeking and a few more solutions, especially for people who have "actual" reasons to worry (for example - someone with health anxiety who also has real, diagnosed health conditions or someone who is anxious over a friend being upset having had actual abandonment, just to name a few examples).

[Annette S. · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel this book was 70% examples of how people addicted to seeking reassurance think/how a sticky mind works and only 30% information on how to deal with it. While the information has some value, I would have liked more in-depth description of the approach to overcoming it rather than so many different examples of how you worry. I know how I worry, I am an expert at it, that's the problem :')

[Mohammad Sadegh Rasooli · Rating 4 out of 5]

https://delsharm.blog.ir/1403/10/29/nkfs

قطعیت صرفاً یک فکر است نه واقعیت. چیزی در جهان فیزیکی قطعی نیست. تلاش بیشتر برای رسیدن به قطعیت در مورد هر تصمیمی، ما را به دام بی‌تصمیمی و وسواس فکری می‌اندازد. اگر تلاش کنیم همیشه به راه‌های مطمئن‌تر کم‌خطر روی بیاوریم، در واقع راه پیشرفت و خلاقیت را بسته‌ایم. تصمیم نگرفتن خودش یک تصمیم است که باعث اضطراب و هیجانات ناخواسته می‌شود.

اکثراً پیشنهاد می‌کنند که «بگذار بگذرد» (Let it go) که اتفاقاً غلط است بلکه «بگذار بماند» (Let it be) راه بهتری است. در کتاب قبلی این دو نویسنده که فرصت نوشتن درباره‌اش نکردم، با عنوان «غلبه بر افکار مزاحم ناخواسته»، از استعارهٔ جالبی استفاده شده است: فرض کنید قرار مهمی دارید و به سرعت در حال رانندگی هستید که فضلهٔ پرنده روی شیشه می‌افتد. اگر برف‌پاک‌کن را بزنید، گند همه جا را می‌گیرد. اگر بایستید و با پارچه تمیزش کنید، از قرار جا می‌مانید. فکرهای مزاحم شبیه به همان فضلهٔ پرنده است. کاری‌شان نمی‌شود کرد. باید با آن‌ها ساخت. بررسی کردن‌های ناتمام، مشورت گرفتن‌های بی‌فایده از دیگران (اطمینان خاطر تهی!) و امثالهم به اضطراب بیشتر می‌انجامد و بی‌نتیجه می‌ماند. راه آن است که این عدم قطعیت را با تمام وجود بپذیریم و بپذیریم که برخی از افکار منفی صرفاً افکار هستند نه واقعیت. پیشنهاد نویسندگان روش DEAF است:

D: Disntinguish trap
E: Embrace the feeling of uncertainty
A: Avoid reassurance
F: Allow yourself to float

در واقع باید نخست فکرهای وسواسی را از فکرهای جدی تمیز دهیم، بعد عدم قطعیت و شک را به عنوان جزئی جدایی‌ناپذیر بپذیریم، سپس از بررسی کردن‌ها و مشورت گرفتن‌های پی‌در‌پی از دوستان و دکتر گوگل اجتناب کنیم و در نهایت بپذیریم مانند موج‌سواری هستیم که بر موج عدم قطعیت‌ها باید تصمیم بگیریم و از این شجاعت لذت ببریم (و چقدر عمل کردن به این حرف در دنیای امروز سخت است، خاصه‌ آن که اهل غرب آسیای پر تلاطم باشی و تخصص‌ات هم هوش مصنوعی باشد که خودش روضه‌ای جدا می‌طلبد).

کتاب البته حرف‌های بیشتری دارد که از حوصلهٔ نوشتن من خارج است. این دومین کتاب از سه‌گانهٔ نویسندگان است که من اول سومی را خواندم، و آخرش دومی. حرف‌های تکرای مانند گفتگوی درونی فکر نگران با فکر آرام‌کننده و فکر حکیمانه در تمام کتاب‌ها تکرار می‌شود و در این کتاب هم تأکید شده است بر این که از نگاه حکیمانه به مسائل نگاه کنیم و با ذهن‌آگاهی (mindfulness)‌ بکوشیم این مسأله را بفهمیم که هر فکری که به ذهن خطور می‌کند نه درست است و نه حل کردن آن فکر اضطراری است. مانند دیگر کتاب‌های این دو نویسنده، مطالب موجز و بدون قصه‌پردازی‌های رایج است.

[sierra · Rating 2 out of 5]

lays good groundwork for what reassurance seeking does, but it is a bit too general for someone with OCD. I could see it being helpful for generally anxious people who are starting their journey in therapy/mental health recovery

[Chelsea · Rating 3 out of 5]

Memorable messages:

It is not the content of the worry or even the feared outcome that causes the most misery. It is the not knowing for sure and being unwilling to except that knowing for sure is not possible.

Doubts are a natural production of the human mind, some thoughts are not worth considering or reacting to, and nothing can be guaranteed.

DEAF
Distinguish the trap from a real emergency.
Embrace the feeling of uncertainty.
Avoid reassurance.
Float above the feeling of discomfort and let more time pass.

Doubt and uncertainty are both inevitable and unavoidable.

Allow the worry and distress to be there, expand your awareness so you can take in the rest of the world, and pivot your attention to whatever you’re currently doing or what you would like to be doing. There is room for doubt and uncertainty, but attend to what matters. Let it be.

[Mariane Prégent · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm pretty sure this book will change my life. ♥️

[Sarah Opgenorth · Rating 5 out of 5]

My counselor recommended this book to me two years ago, I just got around to reading it. If you’re like me and have ever struggled with unwanted intrusive thoughts and looping anxiety, this book is an extremely helpful resource. It’s everything my counselor told me in-person, all clearly laid out in a detailed book. I feel like I’ve gone through all those sessions again (in a positive way) for only $13 and in the comfort of my own home. But for real — it was really hopeful and encouraging for me to read this book. I feel like it was a good way to continue the work I’ve done in combatting looping anxiety.

[Kate Beverly · Rating 4 out of 5]

The only reason I’m not rating this book higher is simply because I’ve been in therapy for years and already knew most of what the authors presented. So, it wasn’t life changing for me. However, if you’re new to learning about intrusive thoughts and ways to stop reassurance checking then I highly recommend this book! Even though I knew most of the content, it had a ton of great reminders. It’s definitely a book you should keep turning back to in times of stress.

[Mel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Big recommendation to people struggling with reassurance seeking no matter if they‘re diagnosed with OCD or not. This can also be applied to trust issues and relationships and the general idea of never having the certainty one seeks.
The techniques mentioned in this book have been and will continue to be of good use in my private life as well as in my future career.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I fear this was extremely helpful and I will be taking a lot away from this and rereading

[Isabelle Herbert · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good quick read. Effective and informative. If you’re a reassurance junkie… this is for you.

[Dasha Spivak · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yeah this changed a lot about how I interact with myself and others

[A Yu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Winston and Seif hit the mark once again! This time addressing uncertainty and reassurance seeking in ways in which so many are intimately acquainted. I can’t wait to recommend this book to my clients. Just like Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts and What Every Therapist Needs to Know About Anxiety Disorders, this one will be on the shortlist of suggested reading for my many clients with anxiety, worry, and compulsions.

I was happy to see the re-appearance of Worried Voice, False Comfort and Wise Mind - with Wise Mind fleshed out more fully than in previous books. Also, the case examples seemed to come directly from my therapy room couch. I know they will resonate with clients as they read about themselves, feeling both normalized and hopeful.

Like with any good read, I found myself having a hard time putting the book down while simultaneously not wanting to reach the end.

[Elsie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have an anxiety disorder and recently lost my mom, who was my grounding support at all times of doubt. This book provided a wonderful approach on how to start working towards stopping destructive anxious thoughts and the ways in which reassurance can actually be unproductive. If you have anxious spiralling thoughts and are always asking people for their opinion (I’m especially guilty of this before I buy things as I’m anxious about spending money) this is a good starting place!

[Erin Brophy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the top 3 most life changing books I’ve ever read. As a recovering perfectionist caught up frequently in worries and anxieties about whether I’m doing the right thing (and always desperate for certainty) this book taught me useful tools and wisdom about how futile that effort is and the value in embracing the creativity, excitement, and growth that accompanies uncertainty.

[Katie Romine · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this as a supplement to my counseling program. It’s a guide to understanding reassurance and checking-based behaviors and how to help minimize or stop. It’s interesting to recognize that helping reassure someone with these tendencies actually keeps them stuck in the cycle.

I thought the principles in this book were much closer to ACT than CBT.

Main approach:
DEAF
Distinguish the trap from a real emergency.
Embrace the feeling of uncertainty.
Avoid reassurance.
Float above the feeling of discomfort and let more time pass.

It’s not the content or feared outcome that people struggle with, it’s not being able to accept the uncertainty.

[Camille Jovanovic · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dragged me a bit…. Tbh this isn’t earth shattering but definitely a helpful framework and reminder that reassurance seeking (from self and others) only serves to entrench and keep focus on the stuff you’re worrying about and the endless search for certainty will ultimately drive you a bit crazy. That said I didn’t love the format or tone and it spends a LOT of time establishing the issues… like ya babe I know that’s why I am reading this. Anyway, ultimately this was fine. More therapy books on goodreads!!

[Brianne Wiser · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am so lucky that I was able to meet with an OCD specialist very shortly after realizing that’s what I had. It truly changed my life. Much of what is in this book is what my therapist taught me and what an incredible resource for those unable to meet with a therapist for whatever reason. So much incredible information that, i’m not being dramatic, is so life changing when you have OCD. i highly recommend this to not only anyone with OCD but to anyone who has somebody close to them that has OCD

[Kevin Haughn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book completely changed how I understand and manage anxiety. We are not struggling against “the content of the worries or thoughts or imaginings—rather [we] are struggling against not knowing for sure”.

This is an excellent guide for accepting the uncertainties in life, explaining how reassurance can actually be unproductive, and counterintuitively lead to deeper states of anxiety. Additionally, the authors explain how triggers and periods of high stress amplify the effects of otherwise manageable discomforts, providing reason for their sudden appearance as newly manifested anxieties. The book identifies common ways we respond to different forms of uncertainty and instructs us on how to disengage from the “reassurance trap” using tools founded in cognitive behavioral therapy to embrace uncertainty, avoid unproductive reassurance, and effectively float through the moments of discomfort and achieve a mindful state of equanimity.

“Thoughts are just thoughts, feelings are just feelings, and neither are facts.”

[Jonathan W · Rating 5 out of 5]

This and unwanted intrusive thoughts changed my intellectual perception of thoughts and emotions. Before I was a slave to my thoughts and emotions doing everything I could to run from them. I was genuinely afraid of the “voices” inside of my head.

Although the concepts are simple, the practice itself is one of the hardest things to do in the world. It takes time, bravery, and patience. Keep fighting the good fight! You can do it! The only other thing I’d add to this book is mentioning about physical sensation hyper awareness. That’s all!

[etta · Rating 5 out of 5]

super helpful in illuminating the greater structure in ocd / reassurance cycles

[Vanessa · Rating 5 out of 5]

lols — you know you’re in therapy when

[John Wright · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good tips on reframing anxious thinking and sitting with the discomfort of uncertainty.

[Heather Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who suffers from very minor OCD and the need for reassurance, I found this book very helpful. I am a big fan of anything that gives sufferers practical evidence-based steps, and the fact that the book focuses on CBT only adds to its appeal. Great book which hits the mark.

[Ashton St.Germaine · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is my Bible. I took notes. Has helped me so much already