The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You

by Vlad Mezrich

Are you in love with a vampire?  Are you worried that you might not be his (blood) type?  Do you wonder whether that cold stare means he isn’t interested . . . or if it’s because he’s been dead for three centuries (nothing personal)?  Have you tried to coax him out of his crypt with a flash of your neck or a near-death situation that requires him to save you at the very last possible moment?  Have you ever considered what it will be like to introduce him to your mother?

Even though your vampire’s skin is transfixingly translucent, he can still be very hard to read.  Sometimes he’s simply holding back his true feelings, resisting the urge to bite you in the chance that one day you will truly love him.  And other times . . . well, he’s just not that into you.

How can you tell?  Undead dating specialist Vlad Mezrich has all the answers, utilizing quizzes, Top Ten lists, language analysis, real-life (and real-death) testimonials, and fancy charts to show you what you need to do in order to get your vampire and keep him forever.  Once you go vamp, you never decamp – so let this eternally rewarding book show you the way to the vampire of your dreams.

Genres: Vampires, Young Adult, Fantasy, Paranormal, Humor, Romance, Fiction

176 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 2009

Reviews

[Becky · Rating 4 out of 5]

First posted to my blog, Terra On the Bookshelf

Vlad Mezrich, a centuries old vampire, has decided to bestow us mere mortal young women with much needed advice to help us snag and keep a hot vampire boyfriend, and, even more importantly, to recognise when he has grown so bored with you that he begins contemplating turning you into a meal instead of taking you out for one.

If you are still looking for a good gift to give to that vampire loving friend of yours this Christmas then look no further than The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You by Vlad Mezrich. I picked up this absolute gem of a book as a gift for a friend of mine. Yesterday I sat down with some newly bought wrapping paper, with the all too cute slogan "no peeking" printed all over it, with the full intention of getting a head start on some gift wrapping. Instead, what started off as an innocent glance at the index of this book was then followed by my reading the introduction and then the first chapter and then the next. Before I knew it I was on the final page while trying to be really careful not to leave any evidence that the gift has now been read from cover to cover. (And no, I didn't get around to wrapping a single gift!) Please tell me that I am not the only one guilty of doing this!

The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You is clever, witty, and filled with plenty of jabs and references to Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer, of the sort that will make both self-claimed Twihards and Antis chuckle. After all, as Mezrich reminds us, it is romantic when your vampire love interest stalks you and watches you when you sleep but when a human guy does these things it just becomes plain creepy. There are also plenty of references to the more classic style of vampire but most certainly this book takes its lead from the modern day trend of wanting to turn the vampire into the perfect "seventeen forever" boyfriend with a healthy side serving of angst.

To help us in identifying our relationship status with our vampire potential love interests The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You has plenty of fun quizzes, charts, and diagrams. Did you know that there is a much wider variety of vampire males than there are humans males? When it comes to human males .0005% are Barack Obama, another .0005 are Johnny Depp, and the remaining 99.999 are "thoughtless guys who are too full of themselves to care enough about you, or even call you back in a timely fashion." Vampire males, on the other hand, come in a wide variety of track/baseball stars, novelists, world leaders, and more! Oh, how I love pie charts!

Okay, so maybe you have done all of the quizzes and have studied the diagrams but you still are not sure if when he goes in for the big bite that he plans to turn you or drain you dry. Maybe you need to read these things in context? Well, fortunately, Mezrich has gathered testimonials from both human females (the ones who survived anyway) and vampire males about their relationship experiences. Do these make you think that he plans to drink you dry? Luckily a vampire slayer, Greta, also gets to slip in a few words of advice.

I hope that my friend enjoys this book as I know that I most certainly did. Whether you have followed the current vampire trend with delight, horror, or a mix of both (as I have), this one is definitely worth giving a try.

[Aarin Cannon · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm not ashamed to say I thoroughly enjoyed this humorously satire little book. The sarcasm was incredibly refreshing. It's nice to come off of a serious, dramatic novel with a light-hearted, funny, read-in-one-hour book such as this one.

[kirstin ✿ · Rating 3 out of 5]

Three stars. Meaning I don't like it, but don't hate either.

This happened to be in the book fair when I was in senior year. We were all assigned to buy one and review it. It's what I picked.

It was kind of fun. The advices were hilarious, but at the same time reckless. Each girl interviewed in here was head-over-heels with a vampire. They were idiot and desperate. Crazy even. And insane. Hahahaha! That's all true. Here's one sample:

"My vampire boyfriend loves to save me -- it's one of his biggest turn-ons. Whenever I feel like he's getting a little bored with the relationship, I like to stumble and fall in front of an 18-wheeler and let him save me. Works like a charm every time."

See? Hahahaha. Anyway, yeah. It still made me laugh at times. And I enjoyed some of the trivias and quizzes.

[Heidi · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is hilarious. Definitely written in the height of the Twilight nightmare (for us true vampire lovers. They burn, not sparkle). Hardcore, is satire the word? Really just a gag, but gave me a few laughs.

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Vlad Mezrich" is a pseudonym for a team of Scholastic writers who pooled their satirical talents to create this fun little book (David Levithan is the editor). The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You parodies dating guides, teen-magazine quizzes, and most of all, current tropes in vampire literature. Twilight gets the lion's share of Vlad's snark, but there are references to Anne Rice, Bram Stoker, and others as well.

Aspiring Bellas and Minas will learn how to tell a vampire from an ordinary goth or emo boy, how to attract a vampire, how to convince him to make you his immortal beloved, and how to recognize the signs of a relationship gone south. In true teen-magazine fashion, The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You features advice, quizzes, horoscopes, and "testimonial" quotes from bloodsucking fiends and the girls who love them. These sections are interspersed with notes from a vampire slayer, who has a very different perspective on things!

While this is a lighthearted, fluffy book, it actually does a great job of highlighting some disturbing vampire-lit tropes. Stalking is not romantic, and a guy who is torn between loving you and killing you is probably not Mr. Right. I can sit here as a curmudgeonly adult reader and blather about this till I'm blue in the face, but "Vlad" makes the same point much more effectively with humor.

The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You is a quick read and a great way to kill an hour or two. It reminded me a bit of Neil Zawacki's How to Be a Villain: Evil Laughs, Secret Lairs, Master Plans, and More!!!, and More!!!, another satirical "how-to" book that gleefully skewers literary and cinematic clichés.

[Amy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I saw this at Wal-Mart and was really looking forward to reading it. This book is separated into 3 parts. The Vampire is Just Not That Into You has information that will help her decode her "relationship with her vampire". I loved the color scheme throughout the book and loved reading the quizzes it had. It also had "testimonials" about relationships from the human's and vampire's perspective. There were many times where I had to force myself to finish the book because the writing was so blasé. I could definitely tell when there was Twilight influences. I would recommend for people to borrow it from a friend or check it out from a library. I would definitely avoid buying it.

[Alicia Wright · Rating 4 out of 5]

Vampire dating advice? In this day and age vampires are seen by the masses as boyfriend material rather than 'oh god kill it with fire'. And I think that most of us are okay with that. But that won't stop us laughing at the fact that a vampire is more likely to be interested in your jugular than your affection. And that's more or less the basis of this book.
A gentle poke at various vampire novels and modern thinking on such monsters it had me giggling away every page or so at the advice, testimonials and charts on the ups and downs of vampire-human dating. If you want a vampire-based giggle, go for it.

[Anna Jackson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book made me laugh out loud numerous times. It felt a bit like reading a very long article in CosmoGirl or another one of those teen magazines. I feel like this book is best read in small spurts - I definitely laughed a lot more as I read just a chapter or two at a time as opposed to when I realized it was due back to the library, and had to "chug" all the rest of the book in a day.

Taken in small sections, this book was hilarious and definitely worth the time it took to read the small volume.

[Shelece · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVED this book! It is so hilarious, a lovely parody of both "He's Just Not Into You" and "Twilight". If you need a quick, good laugh, you should pick this one up!

One disclaimer though: I can't stand Twilight... So maybe Twilight fans won't appreciate this as much as I did.

[Ladymidnight · Rating 3 out of 5]

How do you tell when a vampire likes you, tips from slayers, what to do an a first date with a vampire, ... Very entertaining & funny. The kids at school will love this.

[Mélissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Merci Hanae! Maintenant jsuis prête à rencontrer Edward ou Damon :p

[Kaitlin Hollen · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 stars idk it’s cute but I wouldn’t read it again. It’s a fun little fast read geared more towards maybe like 16-19 so I’m a little old for it. Kind of repetitive but funny and fun.

[Baalial · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book exceeded my expectations immensely!! I loved it, it made me laugh even though I love the twilight books and movies. I’m super into vampire lore as well and there were lots of jokes and info in here. Many twilight jokes and references I very much enjoyed! Overall a great read if you’re looking for something light and fun.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was able to briefly relieve my cringey teenage years and laugh out loud most of the time. I was the only one...no one near me thought the quotes in this book were funny, but I sure did have a good time. Fun and quirky seventeen style magazine blogs parody of Twilight and He's Just Not That Into You. Quick silly read to enjoy when you find it in a thrift shop!

[Maddy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is silly. I bought it years ago when I was in my Twilight phase. Now my daughter just discovered Twilight so we read it together for Halloween. She loved it! If you want to have silly fun reading with your vampire-loving tween, this is the silly book for you ;-D

[Ashley · Rating 3 out of 5]

not my type of book to read

[Tarz · Rating 4 out of 5]

A funny, yet interesting read

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5/5
Probably the funniest book I've read this year. And I almost didn't want to read it because of how cheesy it sounded, shame on me lol.

[Donna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is hilarious and exactly what I needed to get me laughing . Obviously it’s silly but sometimes that’s what we need.

[Stephanie Frankson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this book years ago when I was obsessed with vampire's 🤣
Forgot to track.

[Rachael · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars

[Bethk · Rating 5 out of 5]

This hilarious book is a parody of all of those relationship-advice books for lovelorn women, especially those who have just been dumped or fear that their relationship is not working and they are about to be dumped, and which offer advice on how to actually find "Mr. Right".

In this book, instead of finding "Mr. Right", it's "Mr. Vampire". It's how to identify the real vamps to distinguish them from various kinds of pos - you know, those who are not vampires but have some attributes of vampires - goths, emos, computer nerds, and so forth. There are graphics and tables as parodies of things which can be found in real relationship books, but applied to vampire lore.

I recommend this to young and not-so-young women and girls who have no doubt run across these advice-for-the-dumped books, and to some men who know such things exist, and have their own opinions about them. Vampires are especially popular with teens and young adults, as well as new adults and some of the older people.

It's an excellent quick-read for when you're feeling aggravated, frustrated, or just down. It's great to just get yourself to laugh.

There is one problem in my community. See, I baked up a batch of garlic chip cookies - which are made much like chocolate chip cookies substituting 2 heads of garlic for the chocolate chips, and including cinnamon and cloves. Since I made the first batch of them, neither I nor anyone else in town has seen even one single vampire in town. No doubt the garlic chip cookies warded all of the vampires away. See! Garlic is very effective at scaring them away, but if you are looking for that special vampire, I do not recommend eating any. :)

[D · Rating 4 out of 5]

I both really liked this book for its satire and was leery of it because, well, I can see sparkly-eyed teen girls taking the quizzes like they do in Cosmo and holding themselves to the results. Poor boyfriends. I just can't tell if the satire wasn't strong enough or if it's just me reading a little too much into it.

Either way it was pretty funny. It's pretty much a total rip on TWILIGHT and tells you how klutzy to be in order to snag a sparkly one, among other things. The breakdown of normal boys, goth boys and vampires was pretty funny, complete with diagrams with zits and fangs (not combined, of course).

The voice was awesome and the tone was consistent. Vlad did a good job of getting his expertise across without slaughtering any of the testimonial reporters. I think. Good for him if he did.

It was a super short read, meant to be light-hearted and silly. If you're a diehard TWILIGHT fan you probably won't like it because it makes no qualms about ripping the Edward-ish a new butthole. It maintains its "integrity" until the end and I think that might be what holds me back from really loving this book. I want to but the satire is at times hard for me to swallow because I can't help but think that a couple parts might not be satirical. Kind of absurd but that line between reality and satire is blurred which makes me leery.

Still, it's a funny book and if you're looking for a quick break from the vampire inundation, this is a good break to have.

[Kayla · Rating 2 out of 5]

When it first came out, I loved He’s Just Not That Into You. When I found out they had a vampire version, I just had to read it. However, I was disappointed. It was probably my own fault that I was disappointed. I didn’t do enough research on the book before buying it. I thought the book was going to be a young adult book but it turned out to be middle grade. It was way below my reading level. I felt kind of silly reading it. Also, I thought it was going to be an actual novel, but it was more of a how to guide. Although He’s Not That Into You was a guide as well, it didn’t have all the charts and quizzes. I think the author thought that this would make the book more fun to read but it didn’t. I’m not quite sure if the author was trying to be like Twilight, or make fun of it with all the references to it. It just did not work. It just made it seem like he was trying too hard to be funny. As much as I dislike the book, there are a few things that I did like about it. The cover is beautiful. I like how the cover is a spoof of He’s Not That Into You, with more of a goth feel. Also when the author was using his humor in a non-twilight way, he was actually pretty witty. He made me chuckle a few times. However, the positives of the book don’t make up for how much I disliked it.

[TheVampireBookworm · Rating 5 out of 5]

Last week we discovered a first book which helps with the undead love affairs. This week we have another one. The target group of this book is the same as of the previous one so it is ideal for comparing.
Firstly, this book is written by a vampire so you get more insight in all undead matters.
Secondly, the design is much more sophisticated (the cover doesn't look it but the inside is covered in the timeless combination of red with black and is decorated by very tasteful pictures and patterns).
And the content? Oh, just lovely. This book also goes through all possible stages of relationship starting with finding your undead date to breaking up or keeping him. However, this time it's hilarious.
There are many tests, diagrams, notes from different people, vampire hunter's pieces of wisdom, various points of view (be it smitten teenager or her chosen vampire), e-mail analyses, charts with what was said and what was meant by that, recipes, decoration ideas and lastly, even links to helplines when things start to go downward. It's full of funny stuff and there are even classic vampires mentioned so I have absolutely nothing against this. It's clever and entertaining, so compared to last week's book you should definitely go for this one and forget about that one.

[natalie]

Okay, forgive me, but I'm just doing a quick review on this!

I LOVED it! It's an extremely short read-it took me maybe 20 minutes? But it's SO cute, well...not cute, but hilarious! Vlad Mezrich is painfully truthful about our chances with a vampire (pretty slim)-and very helpful on how to tell the biters from the wanna-be's!
The book is filled with quizzes, and how-to's, even a shopping guide if I remember correctly!
I know this review is short, and I apologize, but the book is extremely short too, and writing a review on this is like writing a review on a painting that you've never seen before-you have to go out there and experience it for yourself.
So, buy the book, it's funny, and a good read-if not a short one!

[Alisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was one of those books that I accidentaly found while putting books away in the "Teen Ficton" section at work... and I couldnt put it down. It is a spoof on dating guides.. about how to catch your vampire, which one is the right type of vampire for you, how to keep him once you have him... Plus what happens when he gets tired of you and starts thinking about how mjuch better you taste then being totally stuck on you.
This was ggreat and it had me cracking up the whole time. It was a nice break from normal reading.

[Kristen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was very funny. Not really a phenomenally fantastic literary work or anything, but it made me laugh out loud quite a bit.
I did think it was getting a bit lengthy for what it was - you don't want to overdo the funny, but it was definitely worth the read. I particularly liked the sections on knowing if he's a vampire or just a wannabe by his looks and email profile and the quiz on if you're ready to be a vampire(every possible answer was, 'you're not ready for eternity' LOL).

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

Maybe the only problem I had with this book was so many Twilight references. I was expecting a lot of vampire references, obviously, and I figured Twilight would be at the top. However, I didn't except there to be almost no other vampire media references. There were only a few for other things.

The quizzes, though, were great! Also the testimonies of vampire-dating humans and human-dating-vampires were pretty amusing.

[Daniel Severin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a fun self-help spoof that skewers the Twilight phenomenon and takes the piss out of the sudden ubiquity of vampires, in the style of the Sex and the City writers' book. Not sure what Carrie Bradshaw would say about it, but Samantha Jones has probably dated Edward & Jacob so maybe she would make a good judge of how accurate this book is.