Making Room for Life: Trading Chaotic Lifestyles for Connected Relationships

by Randy Frazee

What If You Could . . .

*get all your work done by 6:00 p.m.

*eat dinner with your family every night

*form deep, satisfying relationships

*naturally blend the world of church with your everyday life

*spend hours a week on your hobbies

You can! Making Room for Life reveals how to make all of these things a reality. Not by working faster or having more gadgets, but by simply choosing a lifestyle of conversation and community over a lifestyle of accumulation. Randy Frazee's practical, motivating insights call you back to the kind of relationships and life rhythms you were created to enjoy. In Making Room for Life, Frazee shows you how---and why it's so important---to balance work and play, establish healthy boundaries, deal with children's activities and homework, bring Jesus to your neighbors, and build authentic bonds with a circle of close friends.Share these insights with those around you and help usher in an amazing transformation: your life and the lives of others blooming, in the midst of the chaos and fragmentation of today's culture, into communities of purpose and peace.

Genres: Christian Living, Christian, Self Help, Nonfiction, Church, Faith, Relationships

192 pages, Hardcover

First published December 5, 2003

About the author

Randy Frazee is the lead teaching pastor at Westside Family Church in Kansas City. He is a graduate of Dallas Theological Seminary, and a leader and innovator in Bible engagement, spiritual formation and biblical community. Randy is the architect of The Story and BELIEVE church engagement campaigns as well as the author of His Mighty Strength; Think, Act, Be Like Jesus; What Happens After You Die; The Connecting Church; Making Room for Life; and the coauthor of Real Simplicity with his wife of 40 years, Rozanne.

Reviews

[Derek · Rating 4 out of 5]

Making Room For Life:

What I liked:

1. The majority of this book is based on what Frazee calls the “Hebrew Day Planner” - and is what he claims is how humans are designed to operate. That is 6A-6P is for productivity, 6P-10P is for relationships, and 10P-6A is for sleep. While I don’t think this as hard and fast a rule as he seems to indicate, he makes very compelling arguments that this schedule is the way that life works best and humans are happiest.
2. The book is intensely practical. Particularly the end of the book, where he give three levels of change to make to your life in various areas, ranging from a “modest change” to a “radical change”. Some of these suggestions are out there, and would take a good deal of convincing, but if you are persuaded by the rest of his book, and believe that he is right… then making big life changes to align with that truth makes sense.
3. He makes a really good point that our lives are too compartmentalized, and that many of our compartmentalized worlds never interact. Basically, that the relationships I have at work who never interact with relationships I have at church who never interact with the relationships I have in my neighborhood, etc. This is a big reason why we feel so busy, and don’t feel like we have time to add other important things to our lives. He advocates for merging these worlds - which will free up some of the time requirement for managing all of these worlds.
4. His advice on work, child rearing, and even dinner is compelling. He is a bit rigid, in my opinion… but there is a lot of food for thought in this book, where we have just capitulated to culture/technology, and are living in an impractical way that doesn’t really make sense. Most of his arguments and advice have the ring of truth to them. People will likely recoil to some of his more extreme points (and some of them need some revision in my opinion), but the primary reason for that reaction is often not that he’s wrong - but that we’ve been doing life wrong for so long that his suggestions seem unnatural or impractical. I recommend reflecting on these things and asking the question “If this is true, what needs to change?”

What I didn’t like:

1. His view of church seems a bit strange to me. While I can get behind the idea that proximity in relationships is important, I’m not sure it is reasonable to assume that the majority of our meaningful relationships will (or should) be living on the same street or neighborhood. The problems with this way of thinking are multiple. 1) It assumes that any Christian that is living in a neighborhood will have the maturity to win their neighbors to this kind of community. I don’t think this is true, because some neighborhoods just aren’t going to be open to this way of living, and most Christians aren’t going to be able to have that kind of sway (to essentially create a small Christian community) without a lot of help from other Christian workers to partner with. It’s a nice ideal, and it clearly worked in his neighborhood… but I don’t think this is imperative at all. 2) Many neighborhoods are homogenous. If Christian community is only going to exist in the neighborhood, how am I going to develop meaningful relationships with people who are not like me, whether racially, culturally, or socioeconomically. This, to me, is a strong Biblical imperative that goes mostly unnoticed/unaddressed in this book (other than discussion of volunteering at soup kitchens, which is not the same thing as welcoming these folks into your community). 3) It turns Sunday morning into a strange gathering of people who probably don’t know each other very well. I don’t attend a church where Sunday Morning services are the main meeting. I attend a church where home groups are the primary focus… but those home groups connect and interact on Sunday mornings, as well as other times. If your closest community is your neighbors, I’m guessing a good number of those folks will attend other churches, if they attend church at all. This seems like a bad model for close-knit Christian community… all for the sake of not having to drive 10 minutes away. Again, I get it. Having a good portion of your Christian community within a 1-mile radius is great, and should be striven for. But I think he takes it a couple steps further than can reasonably be achieved in an American culture, without ignoring important aspects of what Christian community is supposed to be/accomplish.
2. His chapters on work are a big weakness in my opinion. The problem isn’t that he’s wrong in any meaningful way (I think he’s right), but that he assumes that everyone has white-collar jobs. He spends almost no time discussing blue-collar work, which means a significant portion of people reading this book will have minimal means of applying much of his advice. That’s a big oversight, in my opinion.

Conclusion:

I found this book compelling and convicting, on the whole. I also appreciate that at the beginning of his book, he recognizes that not all of his suggestions will work or make sense for everyone… so he recommends to take what works for your situation, and disregard what doesn’t. I appreciate that kind of candor - and it is good advice for a book like this. I found myself desiring to make changes, but recognizing that some of these changes will take months or years to implement… so the point is, “Start Moving” - even if that movement only involves baby steps at the beginning. I think this is an important book to aid us in simplifying our lives and learning how to prioritize what is truly important, rather than just going with the flow of our frenetic culture.

[Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a refreshing approach to addressing the issues so many of us face in today's hectic, ever demanding, fast paced world. Too often we are so caught up in the schedules, activities and commitments to which we or our families are attached that we overlook the art of being. By being I mean taking the time to enjoy life. The doing overshadows the being, until we are so deeply buried we either don't recognize it or we keep up the doing, because we don't see a way out. This book offers several fresh viewpoints on how to organize our lives and our schedules so that we can balance productivity and hard work with spending meaningful time with family and friends, taking time for our own restoration and enrichment and allowing room for spiritual connectivity and growth. I really enjoyed that for each subject addressed the author proposed 2-3 different stages or avenues one could take to make improvements and actually see changes in one's life. I came away from reading this book excited to implement some of his suggestions for change as well as some of my own.

[Kristy Everheart · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably the headline book of the year in my search for books about making margin in today's culture. It was a very challenging to work through and my husband and I made a lot of good changes in the rhythm of our lives as a result. This book is my top recommendation for people thinking about getting intentional about margin.

[Stacy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book and a quick read. It discusses the problems with our current lifestyle (lots of 'linear' connections) that leads to crowded loneliness. And it discusses the way to fix it by creating community close to where you are and adopting a schedule conducive to relationships (work 6am-6pm, connection 6pm-10pm and then sleep and a day of rest). Highly recommend!

[Tim Pollock · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brilliant book. It’s a call to a simpler life.

[Michael Mack · Rating 3 out of 5]

Randy Frazee is correct. We do need to make room for life. In a culture that is individualistic, narcissistic, and pragmatic, the great need of our time is to return to the relational life we were meant to live--the life God created us to live, the kind of relational life that brings about life transformation and allows us to live the Abundant Life.

For calling the church back to that life, I applaud Frazee, but I do not believe his solution is necessarily relevant or realistic today. (Other reviews do a good job of outlining the book, so I'll resist the urge to do more of that here.) Yes, we need to be counter-cultural--maybe even revolutionary--from our society in our our approach to life. But the ancient Hebrew Day Calendar is, I believe, simply archaic. What worked well 2,000 years ago may very well be outmoded and obsolete today. Also, I see it as a simplistic, pragmatic solution, rather than a vision for a new way to look at life.

When I first read Making Room for Life when it was first published several years ago, I liked it's main message, and I made some changes in my life to live out the values Frazee advances, for instance sitting in our front yard more so that I can connect and build community in our neighborhood. I went to hear him speak on this three separate times, and sat there nodding my head in agreement each time. His vision is all good stuff, but he spends a lot of time advocating the Hebrew Day Calendar, which, while thought-provoking, left me perplexed and frustrated with trying to implement it.

Here's the thing. As a small group pastor, I'm passionate to see people in my church connect in what I call "radically real relationships" in Christian community. But I also know that almost everything in our culture creates huge barriers for people to actually live this way. The #1 excuse for not being in a small group is busyness. And yet, according to the A.C. Nielsen Co., the average American watches more than 4 hours of TV each day (or 28 hours/week, or 2 months of nonstop TV-watching per year). In a 65-year life, that person will have spent 9 years glued to the tube. It seems people would rather watch people living relationally than actually living that way themselves. Perhaps it's safer for them that way. Yes, I desperately want to see people connect in community, but I know that I need to offer them more than simplistic, archaic, programmatic solutions. They need to change their attitudes first.

My advice: If you are going to buy a book on making room for life, get Scott Boren's book, The Relational Way: From Small Group Structures to Holistic Life Connections. Boren references Making Room for Life in his book, and even borrows one of Frazee's illustrations to make a vital point. Frazee also wrote one of the two Forewords for Boren's book. But to me, The Relational Way provides much more practical theology, relevancy, and real-world insights. Check out my review of Boren's book.

[Angela · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wish so badly I could give this a 5 star rating because I think reading the book would be a great exercise in thinking for every American family. It has become my opinion over the past decade or so that the pace at which we live life is actually destructive. It's not just what we fill our calendars with, it's how full we fill our calendars (even church/God things!) that is causing us to live shallow lives. Seems odd if you're filling your life with God-centered activities, but I speak from experience that a life of living FOR God is a puddle compared to the ocean of life that is being lived WITH God. That being said, I wish so badly that I could recommend this book without reservation, but it has 2 major flaws from my point of view:

1) The book begins with the proposed solution - a solution that 99.9% of American families would find terribly hard to swallow - before it even diagnoses what the problem is. If I don't agree with the author on what the problem is, then how can I determine if his proposed solution might work to fix the problem?
2) The solution he gives is so controversial that he doesn't (in my opinion) spend enough time helping you either believe how badly you need that solution (translating into an inner passion that would help you find your own solutions in implementing his over-all solution), or spend enough time working out some of the more specific ways to get around the controversial nature of his solution.

Here's what I CAN say for the book. And in this way, I give it 5-stars. Chapters 7ish to 10ish are right on the money. We do not understand what we're sacrificing when we set a pace of life like most of us have. This section is less about solutions and more about opening our eyes to what we're missing as well as to what we could be building instead. Even if this is all you read of the book, these chapters are food for serious thought - no matter what stage of life you are (but especially I'd recommend this to people beginning a family or with small children because we have a window of opportunity here to set the culture of our families before we're so far down a road that it makes it so much harder to turn the ship around).

[Megan · Rating 3 out of 5]

As it is January and the time for us all to want to improve on the year before, I’m reading this book because last year I felt overwhelmed with all the stuff I had to do. This book was somewhat helpful to me for giving me a timeline of when I should get work done and when I should relax and build relationships. I really like the Hebrew Day Planner schedule because it will definitely work for my family, but I don't think it will work for everyone. In many ways, we are already on this schedule (work from 6 to 6, dinner and relationships from 6-10), but a few tweaks he discussed are helpful, like eating in the dining room. It’s a small thing, but it does make the meal seem more restful and unhurried (and always reminds me that we could easily invite others over to our empty chairs). In chapter eleven, he mentioned how we should bring our church lives home more, and since we have a missional community that meets in our home (though is not made up of people from our immediate neighborhood) we kind of meet that criteria. This book has spurred me to get to know my neighbors more because they are just right there, friendships practically waiting to happen. The only downside to this book is the lack of examples of how the author’s family lives out this life. It would also be nice to have some case studies of how other families made the transition to this lifestyle and how they specifically trouble-shoot issues. I think it would also have been nice to acknowledge the different seasons of life where this Hebrew Day Planner just will not work. For example, if you have an infant, all timing is off. I’m a work-at-home mom, and while I try to get all my work done during the day, I make being with my kids more of a priority, so I do end up working several nights. Besides these issues, I did enjoy this quick read for how to do less so we can live more abundantly.

[Catherine Gillespie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think I’d recommend Making Room for Life: Trading Chaotic Lifestyles for Connected Relationships to absolutely anyone. This book will not only give you a lot to think about and talk over, it will also give you tools to think through how you want your life to be and how to realistically evaluate your schedule and priorities to create space for actually living in your life.

Randy Frazee begins Making Room for Life with a description of common problems in Western families: we have lots of exposure to different groups of people, but very few truly deep connections. We have linear friendships rather than connected friendships–most people know one facet of who we are, but very few know the whole story of who we are, which leads to loneliness, anxiety, and a general sense that something is off balance.

The solution, Frazee believes, is to establish boundaries in the way we devote our time, and establish habits of connection. He advocates limiting your work to the hours of 6am-6pm, and leaving the hours of 6pm-10pm for real dinners, conversation, and community.

{Read my full review here}

[Tim · Rating 4 out of 5]

Frazee's book, Making Room for Life, brings the ideas of his Connecting Church to family/relational life. As such it is less theological and more self-help, relying on medicine and sociology and personal example. But that is not a criticism, because it is also a direct call to action. This book of brief chapters challenges the values of modern middle-class America, especially around work and home-life. He calls for a life oriented around family, neighborhood, and long meals over one driven by work/commuting and the demands of extracurricular activities. His "Hebrew Day Planner" offers eight hours for sleep, twelve for work (6 to 6) and four for relationships. Brief, with questions for small groups and direct actions to engage in, it asks devastating questions about how we organize time and what we really value most in life.

[Ken Peters · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was given this book ten years ago, and should have read it ten years ago when my kids were younger! Even though I found a fair bit of the book either inapplicable to my situation or unendorsable as a premise (eg- no work happening in the evenings), I was challenged by the emphasis of making sure one made room in their schedule for, and made a priority of, meaningful relationships with family, neighbours and church. The book strongly encourages investing in community in a way that minimizes how many unrelated circles of friends we're involved in, and in a way that mixes our friendships as much as possible with our pursuits of various other things like work, recreation, neighbourhood and church. A worthy ideal, but not always possible. In fact, too much of what I found in this book just seemed highly impractical or totally unattainable.

[Jeff · Rating 4 out of 5]

Here in America it is easy to have a whole host of people that we relate to and keep in touch. Technology has made this more true than ever before. However, despite the hundreds of contacts we may have in Microsoft Outlook, on our PDAs, and in our cell phones, many of us feel more lonely than we have ever have before. We all long for close intimate relationships, but who has the time?

Randy Frazee took a look at his own frazzeled life and decided something had to change. He does a masterful job of helping us see the problem we have with so many contacts in our lives and the longings we have for deeper friendships. He also offers some practical tips on how move from the rat race to a life worth living.

[Jamie Pennington · Rating 2 out of 5]

Parts of the book I enjoyed and agreed with. But as the book goes on I found that Frazee became a bit hypocritical and judgmental. Yes, it would be in one sense great if we could ascribe to the beliefs of Frazee and the "Hebrew day planner." But I fear we also risk becoming pharisaical in this process. I agree that we take life way to serious and we do need to have a time to work and a time to fellowship and a time to rest. But I'm not certain Frazee has it down as much as he would like to think for everyone.

But one thing the book did succeed in is making me pause to reflect. If it has done nothing else it has indeed done that.

[Kimberlee · Rating 4 out of 5]

The principles of this book are very good and there are several that I will take with me. However, I struggle to even conceptualize how I could implement the basic premise of the book (work 6 AM to 6 PM, relational time 6 PM to 10 PM, sleep 10 PM to 6 AM). Stopping any evening activities would be challenging for our athletic children. I have already used some of Frazee's suggestions in terms of dinner time and relating to those around the table. I love his ideas about small group and neighborhood. The book challenged me to think about time and how I invest it.

[Jeff Bobin · Rating 4 out of 5]

What would it take to change your life so you spent 12 hours a day being productive, 4 hours building relationships, and 8 hours resting?

This book will challenge you to rethink your priorities and to really think about what it important. Are you investing your time into what will make a difference in the quality of your life?

There is some rather radical suggestions in this book that will be very difficult for most of us to implement but even if you don't buy all of what he suggests it will give you a lot of food for thought.

[Marie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is better geared for the young family. However, empty nesters, as myself, can benefit as well. The greatest point made, that I received,is the balancing of work with family, health and friends. Having already raised my family, I was encouraged to learn that many of our family ways was a good thing and am encouraged to continue on with our grandchildren. Relationships are the only thing you can take with you to heaven and this book helps you to nurture that. A few sections of the book may not apply to where you are at in life but it is good to read as reference.

[Garland Vance · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would highly recommend this book to every person I know to help us all live more relationally. For those who place a high value on community this book helps you understand how to structure your life to make relationships happen.
I will be re-reading this book with my wifE in the very near future and plan to recommend it to others who live closely to us so hat we can begin making room for life together.

[Roger Miller · Rating 3 out of 5]

Liked the book, enjoyed all the stats that proves how disconnected we have become. Frazee's Hebrew Day Planner is revolutionary. What is the Hebrew Day planner? 6 A.M.-6 P.M. work 6-10 P.M. Relationships 10-6 Sleep. It is revolutionary in our modern I do not see it feasible to implement it, especially for those in rural areas that have to drive everywhere. I gathered many great ideas to improve my relationship, but to go as far as Frazee is calling for, I do not think it is feasible.

[Jeremy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book. I think that everyone living in America should have to read it. And implement it. Initially, Frazee comes across as a bit idealistic and out of touch with reality in what he is recommending, but the books moves steadily towards the practical and ends with a few chapters focused exclusively on practical solutions.

Excellent.

[Doug Dale · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book proposes a radical shift in lifestyle. More and more I'm thinking that this shift is necessary, a move back toward genuine community and simplicity. Our lives are full of activity and lacking real relationship. As difficult as it would be to do the things the author proposes, I think we'd all be better off if we started to move in that direction.

[Shelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author proposes the reader use a "Hebrew Day Planner" to schedule our lives. It consists of attempting to get all work done between the hours of 6:00 AM and 6:00 PM, enjoy a slow family dinner around the table and spend the remaining evening time winding down from the day with enjoyable activities before heading to bed around 10:00 PM.

[Elizabeth Galicia-pigg · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an eye opening book for American society. It hits the nail on the head of what one of our biggest problems is. Lack of relationships. We are surrounded by technology and instead of connecting us more it has actually made us less social. This book shows how to have a healthy life and explains that God created us to need relationship with Him and others. Fantastic read!

[Byron Fike · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love the desire of the author to help people gain control over their chaotic lives. Unfortunately the book is some what dated now. I gave three stars because while I agreed with the basic premise, I personally did not receive much benefit. However, I don't think I am the authors target audience. The book is full of practical advise to slow down, declutter and enjoy life.

[Deanna · Rating 4 out of 5]

A way to structure your daily life that provides time for family and community. Excellent for both those thinking about small group community and those who are just overwhelmed with daily business. Our family got some good nuggets out of this.

[Brooke Fradd · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book offers practical advice on how to rid your life of the chaos and really make the most of it. Unfortunately, both spouse have to be on board to be able to apply these ideas well, but there are some suggestions anyone can make - willing spouse or no.

[Collin Rockefer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would have given this book a 5 star rating ONLY IF I didn't feel like the author was pushing his religious views upon you. There are however a lot of good concepts in here and makes you really think to slow down

[Heidi · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't realize that this book was written by a pastor until I started reading it.
I think it's a bit of a stretch to call the Hebrew agrarian day "the divine plan" for our lives. But yes, it is a good model.
I think this book is best for families with children.

[Tam · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love this book. Living life by the "Hebrew day planner" is just too good. Frazee rocks and I love his call to simplicity.

[Angie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Randy Frazee talks about simplifying our schedules, following a 6 am - 10 pm day, ending all work at 6 pm to spend time with family and friends. It's quite a challenge and interesting thought.

[Michael · Rating 1 out of 5]

Uh, we have light bulbs now. That would be just one reason we aren't keeping the same schedule as ancient Israel these days.