The Cow in the Parking Lot: A Zen Approach to Overcoming Anger

by Leonard Scheff, Susan Edmiston

Road rage. Domestic violence. Professionally angry TV and radio commentators. We’re a society that is swimming in anger, always about to snap. Leonard Scheff, a trial attorney, once used anger to fuel his court persona, until he came to realize just how poisonous anger is. That and his intense study of Buddhism and meditation changed him. His transformation can be summarized in a simple parable: Imagine you are circling a crowded parking lot when, just as you spot a space, another driver races ahead and takes it. Easy to imagine the rage. But now imagine that instead of another driver, a cow has lumbered into that parking space and settled down. The anger dissolves into bemusement. What really changed? You—your perspective.

Using simple Buddhist principles and applying them in a way that is easy for non-Buddhists to understand and put into practice, Scheff and Edmiston have created an interactive book that helps readers change perspective, step by step, so that they can replace the anger in their lives with a newfound happiness. Based on the successful anger management program Scheff created, The Cow in the Parking Lot shows how anger is based on unmet demands, and introduces the four most common types—Important and Reasonable (you want love from your partner); Reasonable but Unimportant (you didn’t get that seat in the restaurant window); Irrational (you want respect from a stranger); and the Impossible (you want someone to fix everything wrong in your life).

Scheff and Edmiston show how, once we identify our real unmet demands we can dissolve the anger; how, once we understand our "buttons," we can change what happens when they’re pushed. He shows how to laugh at ourselves—a powerful early step in changing angry behavior. By the end, as the reader continues to observe and fill in the exercises honestly, it won’t matter who takes that parking space—only you can make yourself angry.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Buddhism, Philosophy, Spirituality, Audiobook

198 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 2008

About the author

Leonard Scheff is a practicing attorney in Tucson, Arizona -- and a practicing Zen Buddhist.

Leonard has attended several of the public teachings by H.H. the Dalai Lama including the four day workshop in Tucson in 1993, and a more recent 2003 teaching. He has participated in and led numerous Gestalt workshops.

Leonard has created a "Letting Go of Anger" seminar, with input by John Tarrant Roshi, and has taught it since 1993. While Leonard's anger transformation seminar is based on Buddhism through the teachings of the Dalai Lama, he believes these same principles are universal in all spiritual traditions.

Leonard is a graduate of the University of Arizona and Boalt School of Law at Berkeley. He has been a trial and transactional attorney in Tucson, Arizona, for more than fifty years. His primary area of practice has been in advising businesses dealing with complex real estate transactions. In addition, he has been active in litigation involving civil liberties and social justice.

He is a former president and life member of the Board of Directors of the Jewish Federation of Southern Arizona. He was a founder and on the board of Arizona Friends of Tibet, the organization responsible for bringing the Dalai Lama to Tucson.

Leonard has advised numerous non-profit corporations including the Campus Christian Center, the Pima County Sheriffs Aero Squadron, the American Civil Liberties Foundation, Congregation Chavarim, the Asian Classics Institute of Arizona, the Garchen Institute, Saguaro Juniper, the Bellota Preservation Corporation and the Southwest Wildlife Animal Refuge.

For more than 20 years, he has been a member and legal advisor to the Zen Desert Sangha.

Leonard is the primary author of The Cow in the Parking Lot: A Zen Approach to Overcoming Anger, which has been met with rave reviews and is now licensed in ten languages.

More at:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Co...

http://www.thecowintheparkinglot.com

http://www.transforminganger.com/

Reviews

[Tom Quinn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Suppose a cow were in your spot
(your spot inside a parking lot)
A cow stands placid going "Moo."
This books asks you: what would you do?

Objectively you cannot move
A cow yourself. They claim this proves
That logic'ly you'll let it go.
But me? Is it that simple? No.

I know from habit that I'd swear
And shoot that cow a nasty glare.
I'd mutter low and growl at first
And raise my voice to fury's burst—
A torrent of obscenity,
No chance now for serenity—
In honesty I'd throw a fit
And honk and shout and threaten it,
This motherloving stupid beast
Showed up and ruin'd my inner peace!

And they'll say that it's in my mind
That I'm the one with ax to grind
And if I slowed and thought a bit
I'd recognize the sense of it:
To wake and blink and call out "Moo"
And treat each single day brand new.
But I'm no cow, I'm man with car.
A man with duties, rising star!
I'm man! Important!! Busy!!! (wow)
I'm BETTER THAN some DUMBASS cow!

So out the door I'd prob'ly hop
Unless my wife was there to stop
Me trying something doomed to fail
(My head ain't cool'nuff to prevail)
And there I'd be with beet-red face
A-shoving that cow out the space
A-slapping, -poking, -kicking too.
As if it even had a clue.
As if I'd ever make it move.
As if I had something to prove.

A deep breath in.
A deep breath out.
This is what it's all about.

Perspective shifts tectonic slow.
I know this stuff, I just don't know
How'm I to do it? There's the rub!
If you're like me then join the club
Of Fake-Til-Make-It, mantra chants
And meditations for the chance
To maybe get a glimpse and see
That living life easy and free
Is in your grasp. Which is to say
It's not. LET GO, friend, that's the way.

Accept the cows, each n'ev'ry one.
It's easy said. It's hardly done.


(3 stars. A friendly book.)

[Andy Beal · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book doesn't try to tackle the big things in life that make us angry--death, illness, etc--but instead helps you to handle the anger that is often a waste of time--like someone stealing your parking space. By tackling those things, the book "trains" you to ultimately handle the bigger causes of anger.

What I like about this book is that, as a Christian, there's really not much in the way of Zen teaching that conflicts with Christianity. If anything, I found that the lessons found in Buddhism are quite practical and complementary--at least as far as handling anger.

This is a great book for anyone trying to handle their anger and equally good for anyone that has someone in their life dealing with anger. It's a quick read, but one you may find yourself going back to again.

[Philip Shade · Rating 4 out of 5]

February was, for lack of a better term, emotionally abusive. Problems and situations that would normally knock me off balance for a couple days were happening 2-3 times a day. I don't generally think of myself as an angry person, but I realized the over-the-top amount of pressure had left me exhausted and angry in ways that I didn't have the emotional resources to shed.

Not really knowing what to do with this baggage I happened across 'A Cow In the Parking Lot' at the library and decided to give it a listen. It's a fairly simple introduction and overview of Zen Buddhist ideas and practices for dealing with anger. (at 4.5 hours audio it's not even a whole week's commute!) From basic instructions on meditation, to teaching you how to identify and classify your anger, I found a number of basic tools to help start unpacking and getting rid of weight I'd been carrying.

The simplicity of 'A Cow In the Parking Lot' is really what pushes it into the 4-star category. Being easy and short allows for repeated readings/listenings from which I think people can build up skills as they learn more about how anger develops internally, and what needs t be done to get rid of it.

[Jacqui Rose · Rating 4 out of 5]

Leonard explains the same concept over and over again in different creative and inspiring ways so you have no other option but to get it. He is encouraging and forgiving, allowing the reader to take what they need from his work. I would highly recommend this for anyone, especially the folks who don't consider themselves angry or having anger problems. It's more about philosophy of the mind and our relationship to ourselves and insecurities. Leonard teaches us profound ideologies in a practical way, dropping effective tips and tricks along the way.

[Brian Griffith · Rating 4 out of 5]

Scheff and Edmiston conduct a probing, gently humorous investigation of ordinary anger. They invite us to ask what demand is behind our fury, what we expected, what our reaction looks like in the light of day, and what our anger costs. It's well done, and it's perspective altering.

[Rand · Rating 4 out of 5]

A useful entry point for those curious about how to apply Zen precepts in their life, suitable for all.


Even those who consider themselves practiced or well-read on the subject will find something new because, as the author admits, even seasoned Zen Buddhists get angry sometimes. And everyone has room for improvement.

The book is a workbook with spaces for the reader to jot down triggers, ways in which anger is expressed but also how to identify one's personal mythology and how to deconstruct that in order to shed the false self.

Fun parts: the Dalai Lama once commented on himself thusly: "One day Nobel Prize, next day pile of shit!" & Andre Agassi confessed to not enjoying the game of tennis.

Anger is treated holistically, as a destructive force and an "emotional addiction". The Christian concept of "righteous anger" is not discussed although using anger as a tool to recognize the need for effecting transformation is.

The bibliography at the end is extremely useful as well, for those seeking more depth.

In my life this book has helped me recognize when and why I allowed anger to override my mind.

[thewanderingjew · Rating 3 out of 5]

This little handbook attempts to teach the reader how to have peaceful responses to stimuli, rather than angry reactions. I believe the author feels it will make the reader a happier person, and by doing so, he/she will contribute to the happiness of others and contribute to a more peaceful world.
There are questions and exercises to complete. The book asks and expects you to answer, very personal queries and will make you examine your behavior and the motives behind your reactions. It might be very helpful to someone trying to figure out how to have less impulsive, confrontational interactions with people. It attempts to help the reader deal with situations without having a knee jerk angry reaction, but instead choosing a more thoughtful peaceful, less incendiary response.
Reading the book dredged up thoughts I thought I had put away for good, which is a goal this book attempts to help you finally accomplish. Holding onto anger, the author asserts, is more dangerous to the angry person and has far reaching effects on others, totally unrelated to the original incident causing the feeling.
I found it a bit too simplistic and the assumption that it can be achieved en masse, unrealistic, but nevertheless it is a worthy goal. I also found the slim little book, to be lacking in its purpose as a primer. It was not nearly extensive enough to effect major change, although it will certainly make the reader introspective and might serve as a stepping stone to further research into the Zen approach to life.
I would not have chosen this book on my own. My face to face book club chose it which is why I like book groups. They afford the opportunity to read books you might not normally select or even be aware of, and sometimes they are great finds even when they are not five stars! Regarding a book group conversation, it could get too personal for some people, especially if the exercises are discussed or worked out at the meeting.

[Dzsosszika]

I’ve been struggling with anger, mostly at home and usually borne out of my frustrations when I’m unable to do this how I want to. I chose this book because several others took a Christian approach which doesn’t fit me well. This book borrows from Buddhism, and whilst I am not Buddhist either I feel more comfortable with it.

The book tells many stories but explains the roots of
anger both mentally and physiologically. Then offers exercises in how to build awareness and deal with anger. It suggests to start off small and build up from there. It also includes a chapter on how to deal with other angry people. Exercises include noting occasions where you become angry, how you feel physically when you do, and what your “buttons” are.

I’ve consumed this as an audiobook twice now, and have bought a physical copy to be able to go back to.

[Happyreader · Rating 4 out of 5]

Anger deconstructed. Puts anger back where it belongs - on you. Don't be thinking you can blame someone else because you're pissed off or impatient or at your wit's end. The good news is if you're the problem, you're also the cure and not dependent on others to clean up their acts to get relief. An easy read on becoming an adult emotionally and learning to take ownership of your own reactions to creatively transform the maddening into opportunities for fresh responses and improved interactions. A logical progression with practical applications to compassionately release tension and torment.

[Nick · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book eloquently shows the price we pay for anger and provides many techniques and ideas for dealing with anger in creative and healthy ways. Highly recommended.

[Jenesh Shrestha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Introduction
“A fair summary of this book is: You are hitting your hand with a hammer. If you stop, you will feel better.”

1: A New Approach to Dealing with Anger
Imagine you were just about to park your vehicle in the only empty parking space you see. As you were moving forward, another vehicle overtook you to part over there. How would you feel? Well, instead of that vehicle, what if it had been a cow that went to that parking space to rest itself. Would you still feel the same way?

“If we can be fully present at the moment and observe what we are experiencing directly without allowing the intervention of previous interpretations or beliefs, this is awareness. Seeing the world in this way makes our lives more vivid and immediate, enables flexibility of response in each moment, and creates the possibility of change.”

2: A First Look at Anger
This chapter started with the author asking us to write down the times when we have been angry in the past week. He then asked us to visualize those moments - don’t you feel angry just by imagining it? Well, you are not alone…

“What we observe at the moment is what we know. The rest is all interpretation based on a filter of past experiences that may or may not have any relevance to it.”

3: The Cause of Anger
What is the reason behind our anger? The authors say the only reason we get angry is that our demands are unmet. We expect others to fulfill them, without communicating our needs properly.

“I want everyone to love me.”, “I want to be happy all the time.”, “I don’t ever want to get stuck in traffic.” How reasonable are their demands? In most circumstances, needs like these don’t get fulfilled which leaves us disappointed, which in turn makes us angry.

Also, we tend to hide a lot of our needs from our close ones, either expecting them to know by themselves or fearing that they will feel bad. As an example from this book, a wife asked her husband to bring her flowers, which he did. Instead of getting happy, she got angry as he did not sign the card.

“One way that we invite anger into our lives is by not letting our demands be known. We expect, in fact, that people around us magically know what we want from them. When they do not divine our needs, we get angry.”

4: The Cost of Anger
The ultimate question is, “Who pays for our anger?” Obviously, we, in the first place. However, the worst part of anger is that it tends to affect a lot of other people as well. We might start an argument with someone, and before we know it, we engage in a verbal fight, which degrades our relationship with that person. And with that, we might never talk with each other again. Worse, we might vent our anger to some other person. That some other person might do the same to another person, and the chain goes on. So, in other words, the spillover effect of getting angry is immense.

Moreover, anger makes us act stupid. When we are angry, our mind stops thinking rationally. Our ability to think gets blocked off, which puts us at an immediate disadvantage.

“Later, after an outburst, we often say, “What was I thinking?” Well, the point is, you weren’t.”

5: Anger and Awareness
As mentioned in the first chapter as well, the most important step in bringing changes in our life is by being aware of it. It’s easy to not realize and accept our anger. Subconsciously, we tend to believe that others get angry, but not us. Even when we get angry, it’s because of “their” fault.

However, we need to break this barrier. The author suggests a very natural solution - meditation. It helps us learn more about our deeper self by allowing us to live in the present.

“As human beings with the power of choice, we have the ability to abandon our habits, beliefs, and judgments. We don’t need to force ourselves to do this. Simply noting without judgment when we are angry— pausing to observe when we have made a hostile remark, slandered someone, or made a loved one unhappy by once again arriving late—can be the beginning of unraveling our self-defeating behaviors. Greater awareness can reduce the amount of anger in our lives, which in turn frees us to notice more dispassionately what is happening to us and enables the possibility of change. Awareness alone may even cause some of it to fall away.”

6: Pride, Honor, and Other Buttons
Something we say as a joke makes the other person angry (vice versa). Does this ring a bell? More importantly, why does this happen? Well, we all have “buttons” which, when pressed, makes us instantaneously angry. For example, a man who considers himself highly independent might feel offended if someone tried to help him. A woman who considers her reputation to be the most important part of her life might get frustrated when someone tries to give her constructive criticism.

So, we have to find our “buttons”, so that when someone tries to push one of our buttons, intentionally or unintentionally, we would be better prepared.

“1st Person: Wow, was I dumb to do that.
2nd Person: You sure were.
1st Person (now angry): Are you calling me dumb?”

7: Giving and Receiving
Can we be angry and in a positive mood at the same time? Not so, biologically. Here, the authors encourage us to become more “giving”. Let’s say, when we give someone a gift, we do feel wonderful when they accept our gift, don’t we? In our daily context, can we not spend a few minutes appreciating our loved ones or helping a stranger or feeding a homeless person, or so on. A small act of kindness is all it takes to brighten our day, hence, decreasing our probability of becoming angry throughout that day.

“Tiny things, little things. You were cold, and you put on your coat, and now you feel warm. Throughout the day, you feel a multitude of moments of fleeting happiness. You become more easily touched, more grateful for the smallest things.”

8: The Mythology of Happiness
Do you really know what makes you happy? What if you are unable to achieve it? Will you be able to accept your situation? Or will you be angry at yourself for failing to achieve them? Worse, what if you achieve it, but still do not feel satisfied, after all, how can you control what you feel?

“By choosing certain goals or charting a particular meaning or course for our lives, we arbitrarily shut out many of the options open to us. Then when the universe does not bow to our will and fulfill the goal or meaning we have chosen, that causes disappointment and can leave us feeling perpetually angry.”

9: Unshakeable Calm
Enough with dealing with your anger. Now, the question is “How do we deal with another person’s anger?” When someone gets angry at us, it is natural for us to feel the same way about them. But, what if we are able to respond instead of reacting? How will the results change?

Empathy is the word here. We have to understand them without judging or feeling angry ourselves. Just listen to them, with the intent to listen, not respond. However, if that person keeps getting angry at us repeatedly, then perhaps we are better off without them, aren’t we?

“Your most powerful tool in some situations may be what Thich Nhat Hanh calls “compassionate listening.” “Sit quietly and listen with only one purpose: to allow the other person to express himself and find relief from his suffering.””

10: To Be or Not to Be Angry
Bad things can happen to you. But, you have a choice on how to respond. And one of the choices is by getting angry. The authors discuss the way anger can cause bad karma. The energy that we spend getting angry over someone or something will eventually come back at us. Would you want that?

“Being angry or acting out of anger radically narrows our choices for dealing with our lives. When we act out of anger, we are acting irrationally so, when anger overtakes us, some kind of automatic response kicks in; we focus only on assuaging our anger.”

11: Transforming Anger into Compassion
While the world is changing rapidly, we also try to catch up with it. Doing so, we might forget to understand ourselves at a deeper level. And if we are unable to understand ourselves deeply, then can we really understand other people at a similar level?

“You listen not for the purpose of judging, criticizing, or analyzing. You listen only to help the other person to express himself and to find some relief from his suffering. When you share your own suffering, you have the right to say everything in your heart—it is your duty to do so because the other person has the right to know everything.”

12: Coming to a Conclusion
““Do I really want to be angry?” If your answer is “Yes,” then ask yourself, “Why?” If your answer is that the other person deserves your anger, then ask yourself if you deserve your anger.”

[Leah Burton · Rating 2 out of 5]

Giving this 2.5 stars.

It did help me answer the question “what happens when your anger audiobook mildly annoys you?” which was mostly the fault of the narrator, honestly. They affected different accents when quoting people of various nationalities, which was… a choice… So, while I think the overall concept of the book was probably fine, this in and of itself really made it impossible for me to totally buy into it.

I think maybe 30% of this book was actually helpful info, while the rest was mostly filler. In my mind this is definitely one of those books that could have been an article, and while there are worse things than that… there are also better things.

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you know the basic principles of buddhist mindfulness and a little bit about anger management you won’t find anything new in this book.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are some great quotes in here. It’s a short enough read to appreciate some of the nuggets of information regarding coping with anger. Great advice for road rage, a couple great ideas for marital issues, and good strategies for coping with anger when you feel overwhelmed by parenting.

This book was okay, but it kept using best case scenario examples of working through anger with others. According to the author, if you use the advice from this book, the person will more than likely have a positive response. He does say to try it even if you fear a negative outcome, and if they don’t respond positively, to just not let it affect you. People need more than just “let it go” advice, especially when dealing with family, even more so when someone is struggling with anger. The reconciliation bit may set some people up for failure. Just because you try this doesn’t mean it will succeed, and the book only explains what to do in the best case scenario.

[Erin · Rating 4 out of 5]

An extended exercise in working through angry feelings. I wasn't overwhelmed by new information, necessarily, but I enjoyed the careful picking apart of anger. Walking through the emotion and taking note of its causes and effects will -I hope- make me more observant not only of my own anger, but help me to deal with it in others. It also helped to identify ways that anger sneakily finds its way in. Yelling and cursing are not the only ways anger manifests itself, but even subtle anger should be dealt with.

Most practical for me was the trick to reframe a situation in which I am becoming angry by picturing the cow in the parking lot. In the few days I spent reading this I found myself seeing annoying cows everywhere. But I also noticed that by taking the time to think of a cow, I could step back from anger, frustration, and annoyance before I allowed them to overtake my actions and spoil my behavior.

I have found patience thin on the ground with three young children. Lack of sleep combined with repetitive, largely thankless tasks makes it difficult to articulate anything calmly or coherently. It is difficult to break through the mental fog to identify, much less express, my own anger. This is a book I might turn to again, simply as a reminder and extended meditation on better ways of dealing with angry emotions.

[Hormoz · Rating 4 out of 5]

To act out of moral indignation demands that we pause to consider the best option for putting the situation right. When we act solely out of anger, with little regard for consequences, we are not pursuing the greater good but are only assuaging our own emotional distress. And the result could make the situation worse rather than better.

No one causes us to be angry. Anger is not inevitable. Anger begins and ends with ourselves. 

The mental scenarios most of us create are a mixture our view of the world, our view of ourselves, our early conditioning, and habitual ways of responding. They often have little to do with the reality of the present situation. So when our conditioning calls for us to react with outrage to something offensive, we do so, even if our reaction is totally counterproductive. We follow our own script. When it doesn't produce the expected results and even makes us miserable, we still continue to follow our script, but now with an increased sense of outrage and martyrdom.

We may believe that we know what another person is thinking, but most often our efforts at "mind reading" are projections of our own inner, self-centered concerns.

What we observe in the moment is what we know. The rest is all interpretation based on a filter of past experiences that may or may not have any relevance to it…….we needn't be controlled by our previous conditioning or our conventional expectations, but can approach each moment with a fresh, unprejudiced view. 

The four types of demands: The important and reasonable/ the reasonable but unimportant/ the irrational demand/ the impossible demand. Only the important and reasonable matter. 

Short of death, nothing can main, harm, and alienate us from others like anger. A moment of anger can destroy a lifelong friendship or a reputation, or blunt the career we've spent many years building. Chronic anger can create lifelong problems in our children. It can destroy our effectiveness and make our daily lives miserable. Anger builds when repressed and continues to roil the mind until it finally succumbs. We've all had nights when we tossed and turned, seething, because we carried into bed with us the anger from something that happened earlier in the day. In the case of a particularly horrific incident, we may carry that anger for days, months, or even a lifetime, with continuing damage to our psyches and bodies. If we express that anger, we may inflict pain, not only on the intended object of our rage, but also on those who might be indirectly affected in the future. When we're angry we become oblivious to how other people will feel about and respond to that anger, but the so-called collateral damage can be considerable.

People don't like angry people, and they resent being the target of anger.

If we do not recognize our role in our misfortune, we are unable to change the conduct that led to it, which almost guarantees that it will happen again.

When waves of anger from different sources intersect, they are likely to be further amplified. The result is an angry society. It is jot difficult to imagine the anger energy we set in motion making a full circle and coming back at us. 

If someone is known to have a bad temper or to be an angry person, other people will try and avoid dealing with them. Chronic anger keeps people at a distance and may even isolate us from others…….we all know that people would rather not deal with an angry person. Nevertheless, some continue to behave as if this truism applies to everyone but them. 

The angry energy we broadcast does not go away even though we may no longer be angry ourselves. In effect, each ime anger is acted out it achieves a life of its own. In a way, it pollutes the environment. We dump chemicals in a river thinking they will dissipate. When they come back to haunt us we claim we were unaware of their effect. Anger, like pollution, accumulates and has toxic consequences.

Another way unacknowledged anger sometimes emerges is in actions that are harmful to oneself or randomly destructive, such as dropping something, spilling the soup. or becoming accident-prone. Chronic depression can also be a manifestation of anger that is persistently turned inward or expressed against the self.

Some people are chronically angry but express it through the socially acceptable mode of criticism-their judgment and taste are better than that of others or via cynicism. In a marriage or friendship, chronic criticism will almost certainly cast a dark cloud over the relationship. Directed against one's children, it may seriously erode their self-esteem and lead to apathy and underachievement or hatred and outright aggression. For some people, this critical mode of being is so pervasive that it constitutes their essential personality.

Becoming aware of anger is essential to any change, and sometimes the mere act of drop at least some instances of observing it can enable you to do it on the spot.

Ancient Buddhist teachers recognized an entire range of attitudes-irritation, annoyance, disapproval, impatience, dividing the world into friend and foe, a strong attachment to one's own views and opinions, one's likes and dislikes-as part and parcel of the anger addiction because they lead to, and at any moment can flare into, rage. In Tibetan there's a word. shenpa, that refers to the charge, the addictive quality, behind our likes and dislikes.

Most often when we are "thinking," we are thinking about what has happened in the past, or what may happen in the future, rather than directly experiencing what is happening now. We are manipulating abstract concepts, planning our "to do" list, or calculating how to achieve our next goal.

The process of becoming less angry and more aware is a two-way street. Reducing anger creates a self-reinforcing cycle: As we become less angry, we become more aware of what is actually happening as opposed to judging what is happening. As we become more aware, we become less angry.

Although bad things do happen to good people and sometimes success is achieved only when we persevere through many defeats, the reason we fail repeatedly may be that we keep acting out of the same rules or old habits.

It is not all powerful You who has single-handedly and by sheer force of individual will and genius wrested victory from the world, but the cooperation and culmination of many forces and efforts.

We believe that we know what makes us happy and what is in our best interest, only to have life inform us. differently. When our goals and expectations are not met. We often become frustrated and angry.

By choosing certain goals or charting a particular meaning or course for our lives, we arbitrarily shut out many of the options open to us. Then when the universe does not bow to our will and fulfill the goal or meaning we have chosen, that causes disappointment and can leave us feeling perpetually angry.

Some of us are so heavily invested in our habitual ways that we have come to believe that, for instance, making money defines who we are. We may persist in this pursuit even though there are signs that it is interfering with our happiness. Someone whose need to make money is so all consuming may neglect his family and everything else. Yet giving up his belief might be seen as a "death" or loss of identity. This kind of death is referred to in Zen as "the small death" and is considered a spiritual gain.

Human intelligence gives you the power to react other than by instinct or habit. Intelligence is the power of choice. Anger cripples rational thought and therefore limits your choices. But by using the full power of your intellect and choosing not to act out of anger and habit, you can increase the odds that the events of the future will be more to your liking.

The power that we may currently be using to create misery in our lives can be used instead to create our happiness.

Sometimes you can intervene to change the way things are going……..But often you can't, and then you must turn inward and intervene in your mind. If there's no escape from your situation, what's the point of adding anger to your frustration?

Buddhist viewpoint, compassion can only come from a happy mind. So first, we must have love and compassion for ourselves. In Buddhism, there is a concept called maitri, a Sanskrit word that is translated as "unconditional friendship with oneself.”

[Edison G.S. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful book

I have learned so much from this book. We all struggle with anger, but few of us notice it is there. Most people act as if anger is normal and let it thrive. But when you realize you can choose not to feel anger, and that anger damages you, then a lot of doors open. You have then the power to change the meaning of situations. We all experience anger, so it should be easy to understand what the other person is feeling and that they don't really want to feel it. This book is marvelous in the sense that it reminds you how important it is to keep anger on check. I absolutely recommend it, to keep peace of mind.

[Rob · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book. Drawing on Buddhist thought, he thoughtfully examines anger and provides some valuable insight as to how not to let anger get the best of you. Best book I have read on the subject. Over the couple of weeks that I listened to it I found myself practicing its principles--successfully. My entire family will blunder orders to read this one.

[Tom Shannon · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was looking for a book that could explain some buddhist concepts in an easy way and the book did that so it deserves three stars.

I did feel that it was over simplistic and at times repetitive. It was easy to read, but not my favourite. I might try something by the Dalai Lama and see if that improves things.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found the author’s breakdown of anger to be truly helpful: what causes anger, how does anger affect both the individual and others, how can anger be reimagined or put in a different context in order to deescalate the emotion? The book is, perhaps, filled with a few too many anecdotes, but I appreciated the visuals and I will actively try to put some of these practices into my daily life.

[Alison · Rating 4 out of 5]

If someone stole your parking spot, you'd be mad. If a cow wandered down the lane and took your space, you'd laugh. With all the fighting going on in the world, and an election season to survive, this book was a great reminder that anger is a choice.

[Lori · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very useful guide on how to control anger. by using the Zen approach. Leonard Scheff helps the reader to learn how to curb their anger impulses and finding different approaches in situations. I read the kindle actually.

[Elari · Rating 4 out of 5]

Cute, unassuming little book. I could have picked something better to read, but I honestly couldn't resist the title.

"Animosity does not eradicate animosity.
Only by loving kindness is animosity dissolved.
This law is ancient and eternal."

[David Souza · Rating 3 out of 5]

A book that is worth reading but brings common knowledge.

[Austin · Rating 4 out of 5]

In a year full of frustration, I found this book to be very helpful in grounding me in some Buddhist approaches to managing anger. Very accessible and worthwhile, and for me, very timely.

[Anand Kumar · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is a true treasure in the realm of mindfulness literature. This insightful book beautifully combines Eastern philosophy and Western psychology, providing practical strategies to effectively manage stress and nurture emotional resilience. By using the metaphor of a 'cow in the parking lot,' the authors skillfully guide readers on how to gracefully handle unexpected challenges and frustrations in life through the practice of mindfulness.

What sets "The Cow in the Parking Lot" apart is its accessibility and applicability. Whether you're new to mindfulness practices or a seasoned practitioner, the book offers valuable wisdom and practical exercises that can be integrated into daily life. With clarity and empathy, Scheff, Edmiston, and Ph.D. guide readers on a journey towards greater self-awareness, resilience, and inner peace. A must-read for anyone seeking to navigate life's ups and downs with mindfulness and equanimity.

[Dallas Nichols · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this should be required reading for 95% of people. Even if you don’t consider yourself an angry person there’s a lot of useful stuff in here for dealing with day to day irritations and figuring out how to not be so wound up.

[Ty · Rating 4 out of 5]

it was fine. good thoughts and ideas and advice. not something i feel like applies to my life rn

[Angie Perreault · Rating 4 out of 5]

Un livre que j’ai lu un peu à la fois pour la 2e fois. Un livre à savouré et réfléchir avant de lire une autre section. Suggéré par une leader au travail que je respecte énormément, je trouve cette lecture reposante.

[Adam · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. It's a really well done book and very approachable. It just feels so lacking. And I've been getting this feeling from a lot of buddhism-based books. It's good, and it offers fabulous advice on approaching, controlling, and acting in moments of anger, but it just doesn't say the whole picture. I feel like there is so much more to anger than becoming ultra aware of ourselves and of our anger to control it and how to use short-term fixes.

I don't know much about buddhism, but it seems that one major tenet is to become aware to defuse ill-doing. And the major approach to becoming aware and stop doing stupid stuff is to just slowly, slowly, slowly grind away at the habit. It's very true, that would work. But, it bothers me that it is so inefficient. It's like you're building a house where every brick has a different shape and instead of figuring out how each brick fits together to make the house perfectly you instead complete your house by rubbing and forcing one brick against another over and over and over until it finally wears down to fit. Nobody is going to argue that the system works, everyone sees the end result, understands the means of reaching the end result, and agrees it all does what it says it does. But, why not just ask the architect how to put it all together?

One example of this from the book is this idea of being aware. Awareness brings separation and perspective, which in its own way brings freedom from the situation. In my religion of christianity I would do the same thing but it would be by having an eternal perspective. By looking at a crisis, angering situation, or struggle with an eternal perspective, it is seen ultimately for my good or at least allowed because I can learn humility in turning to Divinity, and by that it separates me from the immediacy of the struggle. But, the eternal perspective also opens a space for validation and reconciliation of feelings through the reliance on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and the acceptance and receipt of the struggle by Them. So the buddhist awareness, in my mind, lacks the spiritual purging that I have found prevalent and waiting in keeping an eternal perspective of christianity. I'm not really trying to convince anyway nor convert anyone, I'm simply writing out my thoughts in what I understand from the buddhist books I've read.

All in all, it seems buddhism is the seeking after perfection by one's own merits vis a vis reincarnation and the grind. Christianity would argue that our past lacking of perfection has permanent consequences on our future abilities to become perfect and therefore even if we were to become perfect we would be limited in the blessings. The only means to have full perfection without consequence beset upon us is by having someone else, Christ, take the punishment of those consequences. In that, though we are disqualified from the full benefits because of our own actions, we are given it regardless out of love as we do what Christ says.

Fascinating differences with very similar end goals in mind.