What do you think?
Rate this book
The Buddha and the Borderline: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Buddhism, and Online Dating
Kiera Van Gelder's first suicide attempt at the age of twelve marked the onset of her struggles with drug addiction, depression, post-traumatic stress, self-harm, and chaotic romantic relationships-all of which eventually led to doctors' belated diagnosis of borderline personality disorder twenty years later. The Buddha and the Borderline is a window into this mysterious and debilitating condition, an unblinking portrayal of one woman's fight against the emotional devastation of borderline personality disorder. This haunting, intimate memoir chronicles both the devastating period that led to Kiera's eventual diagnosis and her inspirational recovery through therapy, Buddhist spirituality, and a few online dates gone wrong. Kiera's story sheds light on the private struggle to transform suffering into compassion for herself and others, and is essential reading for all seeking to understand what it truly means to recover and reclaim the desire to live.
248 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2010
611 people are currently reading
9767 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 455 reviews
December 1, 2011
This was a really great book. It took me forever to read though because I found it scary in that it felt like the story was actually about my life. I suffer from BPD and since i was diagnosed many years ago it has been a very strange roller coaster ride. There have been addictions left, right and centre just to avoid having to deal with my emotions. Mood instability makes it hard for myself and the others around me, and relationships are few and far between. Trying to comprehend what the actual meaning of being diagnosed with BPD was very tricky to begin with. Job instability due to moods and emotions. Going throught the phases of being fine and then all of a sudden you just want to take permanent residence in your bed because it's warm and safe, a sort of shelter that you can always count on. The one thing that I felt Gelder got completely right was that once you are diagnosed with BPD many people, be it pyschiatrists, therapists, counsellors, etc, consider you a lost cause. I have felt that way many times with my own psychiatrist and it is the worst feeling in the world. Any chance of hope you might have get diminished bc no one believes that you have any chance of getting better. I currently work with a therapist that helps me practice and understand the DBT rules and such. She has written a book herself on DBT therapy, which is also a workbook for therapeutic reasons. Out of all the therapies that i have been, I find that DBT is the most challenging as it expects you to practice some of the hardest skills (at least for borderline people), ie. radical acceptance, non-judgemental stance, mindfulness, noticing when you are in emotion/reason/wise mind. Without the help of my current therapist i don't think that i would be doing as well as i am today. I have held a job for over 1 year, which is the longest yet. I am 1 yr and 1 mth drug free. I am going to school for a career that i truly believe i want to be doing. My self confidence has risen incredibly and i can stand up for myself (instead of just being a wet noodle like i used to be). DBT and my therapist have truly helped me and for once i am starting to think there is more to life then just being sad/angry/numb. Even though this book was hard to read because i could relate to it so much it definitely shed light that there is more to life. If you suffer with BPD, the journey is long and hard but at some point you will realize that it will start to get easier and it will be a huge burden taken from your shoulders.
SIDEBAR - THIS BOOK IS RIDDLED WITH GRAMMATICAL/SPELLING ERRORS, WHICH DROVE ME A LITTLE CRAZY, but if i use my non-judgemental stance and radical acceptance : it did not take away from the message the book was meant to send.
SIDEBAR - THIS BOOK IS RIDDLED WITH GRAMMATICAL/SPELLING ERRORS, WHICH DROVE ME A LITTLE CRAZY, but if i use my non-judgemental stance and radical acceptance : it did not take away from the message the book was meant to send.
May 6, 2012
This is a stunning book. If you have borderline tendencies, or if you are close to anyone who has borderline tendencies, then this is a must read. It contains an amazing proposition for borderlines (through the dialectial behavior therapy), which is to learn to hold two polarities as simultaneous realities of life. For instance learning to feel radical acceptance of the situation you find yourself in, while at the same time learning effective strategies for changing it.
I jotted down these borderline tendencies throughout the book: intense, wildly loving, painfully clinging, impulsive, sensitive, shifting moods, endless grasping, fragility under stress, fragility when feeling unconnected to someone, difficulty being alone, deep need for security, gnawing dissatisfaction with what is. These are one side of the borderline coin, and on the other side are high capacities for empathy, compassion and attachment.
I jotted down these borderline tendencies throughout the book: intense, wildly loving, painfully clinging, impulsive, sensitive, shifting moods, endless grasping, fragility under stress, fragility when feeling unconnected to someone, difficulty being alone, deep need for security, gnawing dissatisfaction with what is. These are one side of the borderline coin, and on the other side are high capacities for empathy, compassion and attachment.
December 7, 2011
EXCELLENT book. I actually finished it today and really want to do justice to it by writing this review. The narrator of this memoir is so incredibly smart, vulnerable, courageous, and hilarious. Kiera Van Gelder was sober for ten years when she was first diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD has a lot of negative connotations like Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction, but there are many more people who suffer from mild BPD and just don't know it because it is very difficult to diagnose. The Borderline personality disorder overlaps with so many other disorders. At one time it was thought to mean "borderline psychotic," but now there are vastly different levels for those with BPD. I got into learning about BPD because I was interested in Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Marsha Linehan who founded Dialectical Behavior Therapy DBT studied Zen Buddhism so I was intrigued. She managed to turn main Buddhist tenets into something that could be used as an effective therapy tool to help an under served group of people. Before DBT, BPD's had a low rate of recovery, and now it's gone up to 88%. How cool is that!? Hurray to Marsha for making important contributions to psychology so it doesn't continue to be taught and interpreted from an old-white-males perspective. Just to prove to everyone that you should read this book, this is the longest book review I've EVER written. Yay me.
February 19, 2016
Fifteen years ago I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Like many similar diagnoses, I'd had the symptoms most, if not all, of my life, but had finally been given a name and understanding of what it was that possessed me. After my diagnosis, I studied BPD extensively for a few years and I got better. That's not to say I was healed from BPD, in fact, I was far from a “full recovery,” but I began to understand some of my behaviors and triggers. I also started individual therapy—this didn't go so well and eventually I quit. Somewhere in my studies, probably four or five years after my diagnosis, I first heard of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT); it was touted as the best cure for BPD, but I had my doubts (and fears), so I continued with my self-therapy and studies. Along the way, I plateaued. I didn't want to admit it, but I did. All forward motion came to a stop. I'd done everything I could on my own and I still was an anxious ball of fear wrapped in a lovable fury. I decided it was time to check out DBT—and then I dragged my feet another couple years. Finally, things were so bad and I was so hopeless that I had only two choices: self-destruction or DBT. With some reluctance, I chose DBT. To celebrate my initiation into group therapy, I decided to start reading this book.
The Buddha & The Borderline is merely one person's story of living with Borderline Personality Disorder. As I've read other similar books about BPD, I've come to learn that while the symptoms and internal feelings are identical, the way they are manifested may be wildly different. Van Gelder's experience is very different from mine, but what drives her is very familiar. The thing I liked most about this memoir is that it really shows the progress Van Gelder makes. Other BPD stories and memoirs tend to place the focus on the illness, leaving a chapter to two for the “road to recovery.” Van Gelder's approach is show her gradual improvement throughout the book. Yes, she's still struggling in the end, but as soon as she receives her diagnosis in an early chapter, she is off and running, searching for help and being willing to take it.
If The Buddha & The Borderline failed in any regard to reach me, it was simply that I felt Van Gelder took out some of the magic from her journey. One chapter we see a broken Van Gelder enter therapy, we get an overview of what happens inside, and then months pass and Van Gelder is doing better. These jumps in the path of the author's recovery happen frequently. I wanted to know more about that internal struggles she faced. That's not to say Van Gelder completely glosses over her struggles, not at all, but there are certainly times I would have liked to have known more about her thought process and less about the people in her surrounding circles (therapists, boyfriends, etc).
Overall, The Buddha & The Borderline is a typical memoir in many ways and probably one that would only interest those concerned with mental illness. There are select chapters, however, where Van Gelder really shows her talents as a writer. When she's not simply regurgitating facts, when she's digging deep within her and bringing her darkest moments and thoughts to light, she is a very talented and magnificent writer. It is for these moments alone that this book rises above many other similar books.
The Buddha & The Borderline is merely one person's story of living with Borderline Personality Disorder. As I've read other similar books about BPD, I've come to learn that while the symptoms and internal feelings are identical, the way they are manifested may be wildly different. Van Gelder's experience is very different from mine, but what drives her is very familiar. The thing I liked most about this memoir is that it really shows the progress Van Gelder makes. Other BPD stories and memoirs tend to place the focus on the illness, leaving a chapter to two for the “road to recovery.” Van Gelder's approach is show her gradual improvement throughout the book. Yes, she's still struggling in the end, but as soon as she receives her diagnosis in an early chapter, she is off and running, searching for help and being willing to take it.
If The Buddha & The Borderline failed in any regard to reach me, it was simply that I felt Van Gelder took out some of the magic from her journey. One chapter we see a broken Van Gelder enter therapy, we get an overview of what happens inside, and then months pass and Van Gelder is doing better. These jumps in the path of the author's recovery happen frequently. I wanted to know more about that internal struggles she faced. That's not to say Van Gelder completely glosses over her struggles, not at all, but there are certainly times I would have liked to have known more about her thought process and less about the people in her surrounding circles (therapists, boyfriends, etc).
Overall, The Buddha & The Borderline is a typical memoir in many ways and probably one that would only interest those concerned with mental illness. There are select chapters, however, where Van Gelder really shows her talents as a writer. When she's not simply regurgitating facts, when she's digging deep within her and bringing her darkest moments and thoughts to light, she is a very talented and magnificent writer. It is for these moments alone that this book rises above many other similar books.
March 31, 2023
This book is written by someone with borderline personality disorder for, I think, other people with borderline personality disorder. The title, at least (and I know authors often don't get to write the titles but as a reader, it anchors the book) suggests this is story of recovery both spiritually and in community with others.
I found it painful to read. I am sure having borderline personality disorder must be hell. But my childhood and young adult life was made miserable by the intense selfishness, the self righteous rage, the incredibly poor decision making, and the explosive misery of people who suffered from it. I still have scars. I long for the architects of that childhood misery to get it; to recognize the harm they caused; to apologize; to try to heal those bonds. This book reinforces that I'll never get that.
This book came highly recommended as an example of someone with the disorder who learned compassion and self awareness. I kept reading out of some need to get a symbolic catharsis by her showing compassion and remorse for – or at least understanding of – all the people she hurts in this book. That doesn't happen in any sort of meaningful way. Even when a Tibetan Lama tells her that “The main thing is to be kind,” 221, She never seems to get it. She flips it almost immediately to “I need to be kind to myself,” instead of "I need to find something kind to do and do it."
From the other reviews, I suspect this book speaks to the heart of a lot of folks who saw themselves in it and found a measure of relief from reading it. I'm glad for them. But as someone who still has the scars, it was not a good read.
I found it painful to read. I am sure having borderline personality disorder must be hell. But my childhood and young adult life was made miserable by the intense selfishness, the self righteous rage, the incredibly poor decision making, and the explosive misery of people who suffered from it. I still have scars. I long for the architects of that childhood misery to get it; to recognize the harm they caused; to apologize; to try to heal those bonds. This book reinforces that I'll never get that.
This book came highly recommended as an example of someone with the disorder who learned compassion and self awareness. I kept reading out of some need to get a symbolic catharsis by her showing compassion and remorse for – or at least understanding of – all the people she hurts in this book. That doesn't happen in any sort of meaningful way. Even when a Tibetan Lama tells her that “The main thing is to be kind,” 221, She never seems to get it. She flips it almost immediately to “I need to be kind to myself,” instead of "I need to find something kind to do and do it."
From the other reviews, I suspect this book speaks to the heart of a lot of folks who saw themselves in it and found a measure of relief from reading it. I'm glad for them. But as someone who still has the scars, it was not a good read.
November 5, 2012
I've worked with many people with borderline personality disorder and actually teach a course in DBT. I found this book interesting as it's written by a person who is diagnosed with BPD and this is the story of how she has learned to live with all of its contradictions. I especially liked the sections where she is involved in DBT as I got to read about what it is like from within the group therapy circle.
This book is not for everyone. Kiera Van Gelder, as presented in this memoir, is not all that likeable, but her struggles are real and presented as her own. The DBT language can be very dense if you aren't familiar with the practice. Given the title focuses on the Buddha, I wish the section on Buddhism was a bit longer.
A tough read, a bit of a slog at times, but if you know someone with BPD or have an interest in DBT, it's worthwhile.
This book is not for everyone. Kiera Van Gelder, as presented in this memoir, is not all that likeable, but her struggles are real and presented as her own. The DBT language can be very dense if you aren't familiar with the practice. Given the title focuses on the Buddha, I wish the section on Buddhism was a bit longer.
A tough read, a bit of a slog at times, but if you know someone with BPD or have an interest in DBT, it's worthwhile.
April 8, 2018
Kiera Van Gelder hints about this, but never goes into it deeply: there are a lot of support groups for people in relationships with people who have BPD. That's because people with BPD can be extremely difficult to deal with. Some therapists (I have read) will even refuse to treat people with BPD because they are so overwhelming. I mention this up front because I have had many bad experiences with BPD people. In fact, I've had enough bad stuff happen that I've read many books on BPD. (Including "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me", which Kiera refers to.)
My experiences have definitely distorted my perceptions of this book, so take my review with a lot of salt.
"The Buddha and The Borderline" is an interesting book. I read the whole thing (although there were times where I got bored and started skimming). I sympathized with Kiera and her situation and struggle. At the same time, it was hard not to see all of her struggles and dramas as self inflicted. That may be the entire point of the book. (And the point of all our own lives, for that matter, if you take a Buddhist perspective.)
The drama and the chaos Kiera created was both torture but sometimes served as a bad "solution" to her problems. Just as how self-cutting can be a "cure" for numbness, so can having a huge blow up with your significant other. Better anger and grief with another than being isolated and alone. So how are we supposed to feel when she describes herself sobbing uncontrollably over yet another minor event? She describes herself as helpless when this happens, and it happens a lot in this book.
So what's weird (and this is a weird thing to say about a memoir) is the book comes across as very self-absorbed. The only person in the book who seemed real was Kiera. Everyone else seemed like window dressing or props. My saying this is a little weird and ironic, because I think that's one of the symptoms of BPD in the first place -- the people in a BPD person's life become tools to make themselves feel better. How to separate the flaws of the book with the symptoms of the illness?
Kiera berates her parents for not better supporting her and her illness. It's hard not to see this and think, "You're in your mid-thirties. Should you still be asking your parents for cash? Do you feel any shame or guilt about that?" I was left with the creepy feeling that she felt entirely entitled to their money, and her parents were jerks for not giving it immediately.
With one BPD friend of mine, I voiced some irritation at everything always being about him. He dropped me and never spoke to me again. This is a typical BPD thing to do. You're either their friend or their enemy. There is no inbetween. They disappear on a dime. Cut you out of their lives forever when they decide you can't help them anymore.
My experiences made me wary of taking Kiera at her word. I've heard too many BPD stories about all the people who have done them wrong. So, for me, she was an unreliable narrator at best. And it made me wonder who the people she was describing really were. Did she have any understanding of the hell she could put people through? Did she understand that asking people to be ready to support her the way she needed to be supported made for a one-sided relationship? She seemed to make her supporting them an impossibility. It was hard to tell if she got that.
All the same, I was fascinated by her take that BPD and Buddhism have parallels and similarities. And seeing the world from her perspective and seeing her change was fascinating.
A book that needs to be understood in context, not taken at face value. But an interesting read.
My experiences have definitely distorted my perceptions of this book, so take my review with a lot of salt.
"The Buddha and The Borderline" is an interesting book. I read the whole thing (although there were times where I got bored and started skimming). I sympathized with Kiera and her situation and struggle. At the same time, it was hard not to see all of her struggles and dramas as self inflicted. That may be the entire point of the book. (And the point of all our own lives, for that matter, if you take a Buddhist perspective.)
The drama and the chaos Kiera created was both torture but sometimes served as a bad "solution" to her problems. Just as how self-cutting can be a "cure" for numbness, so can having a huge blow up with your significant other. Better anger and grief with another than being isolated and alone. So how are we supposed to feel when she describes herself sobbing uncontrollably over yet another minor event? She describes herself as helpless when this happens, and it happens a lot in this book.
So what's weird (and this is a weird thing to say about a memoir) is the book comes across as very self-absorbed. The only person in the book who seemed real was Kiera. Everyone else seemed like window dressing or props. My saying this is a little weird and ironic, because I think that's one of the symptoms of BPD in the first place -- the people in a BPD person's life become tools to make themselves feel better. How to separate the flaws of the book with the symptoms of the illness?
Kiera berates her parents for not better supporting her and her illness. It's hard not to see this and think, "You're in your mid-thirties. Should you still be asking your parents for cash? Do you feel any shame or guilt about that?" I was left with the creepy feeling that she felt entirely entitled to their money, and her parents were jerks for not giving it immediately.
With one BPD friend of mine, I voiced some irritation at everything always being about him. He dropped me and never spoke to me again. This is a typical BPD thing to do. You're either their friend or their enemy. There is no inbetween. They disappear on a dime. Cut you out of their lives forever when they decide you can't help them anymore.
My experiences made me wary of taking Kiera at her word. I've heard too many BPD stories about all the people who have done them wrong. So, for me, she was an unreliable narrator at best. And it made me wonder who the people she was describing really were. Did she have any understanding of the hell she could put people through? Did she understand that asking people to be ready to support her the way she needed to be supported made for a one-sided relationship? She seemed to make her supporting them an impossibility. It was hard to tell if she got that.
All the same, I was fascinated by her take that BPD and Buddhism have parallels and similarities. And seeing the world from her perspective and seeing her change was fascinating.
A book that needs to be understood in context, not taken at face value. But an interesting read.
November 16, 2011
This was one of the best memoirs I have read. I work in mentqal health, and frequently with patients who have Borderline Personality Disorder. The author really brought home to me what someone who suffers from this debilitating yet invisible disease goes through. I applaud her courage and honesty, and am happy that she has found a way to live a life that's more than just existing. She worked incredibly hard under extremely difficult circumstances and against harsh odds. I rarely see anyone recover to the degree she did, and I wish her only the best.
August 8, 2011
This is book is disturbing in its depiction of borderline personality disorder. The writer is gifted in making you feel every ounce of pain, from the emotional devastation to the razor blades. While this is required reading for my mental health class, and not something I would normally read on my own, I think this book has the potential to change your life. This insight into the feeling of always being invalidated and the results of that invalidation for the borderline personality (or anyone else for that matter) gives me pause when I am dealing with the general population. Meaning? I subconsciously consider whether or not I am simply dismissing their feelings for my own convenience and considering how I would feel if this was done to me. In short, it makes you cringe at her pain and suffering, at the lack of help a borderline personality actually gets, and -perhaps most importantly, it makes you stop and think.
December 26, 2013
Kiera van Gelder's voice is one that needs to be heard.
I first encountered Kiera on a very informative video about Borderline Personality Disorder where she discusses her personal struggles with her condition and her difficult climb to improved functioning. This memoir recounts her experiences in a lot more detail.
Many professionals I know are pessimistic when it comes to working with someone who has BPD. It can be demanding to accept responsibility for someone who might experience intense, unpredictable mood swings and impulsive self-destructive behavior. Personality disorders are notoriously difficult to treat, and the prognosis can look grim. This is one of the reasons an account like Kiera's can lend welcome perspective and remind us that, for some at least, there is a way out.
Kiera takes you inside her head and her experiences. She gives you a window into what it might be like to desperately fear abandonment in all your relationships, to the point where the fear supersedes any semblance of mature, rational behavior (this book will also give you a great deal of empathy for those in relationships with people who have BPD and are on the receiving end of a lot of difficult behavior).
Kiera eventually responds well to a therapist who provides frequent sessions plus on-call phone coaching (I actually grew concerned about his boundaries and wondered how he can sustain this level of availability) as well as to authentic DBT, as opposed to a watered-down facsimile she experiences earlier which is very unhelpful. She manages to gain increased control over her emotional and behavioral symptoms, although you have a sense that some things will always be a struggle.
I also felt Kiera achieved a good balance between acknowledging the role of her childhood experiences and avoiding mother-bashing. When she did express criticism of her parents, it was balanced by clear self-awareness and what seemed to be genuine acknowledgement of her own responsibility for things.
Why only three stars then? Well, although the narrative was compelling at times the momentum was not sustained consistently for me. I also have to say that although I think Kiera has a lot of important things to tell us, there were times when the memoir veered off into TMI-land, at least for this particular reader. Finally, I couldn't relate at all to the Buddhist parts although I'm happy they worked for Kiera.
I first encountered Kiera on a very informative video about Borderline Personality Disorder where she discusses her personal struggles with her condition and her difficult climb to improved functioning. This memoir recounts her experiences in a lot more detail.
Many professionals I know are pessimistic when it comes to working with someone who has BPD. It can be demanding to accept responsibility for someone who might experience intense, unpredictable mood swings and impulsive self-destructive behavior. Personality disorders are notoriously difficult to treat, and the prognosis can look grim. This is one of the reasons an account like Kiera's can lend welcome perspective and remind us that, for some at least, there is a way out.
Kiera takes you inside her head and her experiences. She gives you a window into what it might be like to desperately fear abandonment in all your relationships, to the point where the fear supersedes any semblance of mature, rational behavior (this book will also give you a great deal of empathy for those in relationships with people who have BPD and are on the receiving end of a lot of difficult behavior).
Kiera eventually responds well to a therapist who provides frequent sessions plus on-call phone coaching (I actually grew concerned about his boundaries and wondered how he can sustain this level of availability) as well as to authentic DBT, as opposed to a watered-down facsimile she experiences earlier which is very unhelpful. She manages to gain increased control over her emotional and behavioral symptoms, although you have a sense that some things will always be a struggle.
I also felt Kiera achieved a good balance between acknowledging the role of her childhood experiences and avoiding mother-bashing. When she did express criticism of her parents, it was balanced by clear self-awareness and what seemed to be genuine acknowledgement of her own responsibility for things.
Why only three stars then? Well, although the narrative was compelling at times the momentum was not sustained consistently for me. I also have to say that although I think Kiera has a lot of important things to tell us, there were times when the memoir veered off into TMI-land, at least for this particular reader. Finally, I couldn't relate at all to the Buddhist parts although I'm happy they worked for Kiera.
October 10, 2017
A much needed read to increase understanding. After years of hearing bad press about people having BPD, this writer clarified the origins of this condition, and how to help someone experiencing it, to look for the truth in any statements made by a person with BPD, the sheer vulnerability of that person and the extreme sensitivity felt that can make life seem unbearable, the value of DBT, and the message of hope, that the family can learn to support someone (although often years later) and plenty of hope that one can find that road to recovery.
June 24, 2012
Buddha made less of an appearance than I hoped, sorry.
January 18, 2015
The blurb: Worth reading if you want to understand why you or someone else “acts like a psycho in relationships” or why you, or someone else, “always has drama.” You will also understand dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) and Buddhism better without being too bored. It is worth getting through the whininess as the whininess becomes self-aware.
The Rest:
This memoir has given me a lot of perspective on BPD, as well as the paradoxes of Buddhism and the stupid things people do in relationships, myself included. Sadly, I don’t know if people who are in the midst of their suffering with BPD or people with just the life-long relationship drama symptoms could get through the whole book. I was very glad I did read the entire thing and not just because the Buddhism lies at the end. At first I put off on how much she identifies with her BPD diagnosis in the beginning, and you can only come to understand that was part of her journey in the end. Some people may have a lot of drama trouble with relationships all their lives and never want to identify with BPD, but parts of this book may be able to help them.
I am a clinician as well as a Gen X woman, so of course I have a lot of preconceived ideas about BPD. There is the one side that says: “these people are hopeless, if I want to save them they will just take me down with them and not even care.” Then there is the other COMPLETELY opposing side that says: “BPD is a construct of our sexist society and used as an oppressive tool for people, mostly women, who went through trauma and had really selfish horrible parents.” This disorder brings about in others the very black in white thinking that people with it can display…or maybe I am just a mushroom when I’m around BPD. However, due to this book I now have a more “dialectical” view and it is this:
This diagnosis is real. If my own daughter were to have BPD symptoms I would not deny her or blame myself I would get her treatment and support. People with this diagnosis shouldn’t be shunned. However, if you can’t be there enough to take care of them, and many people can’t it’s a lot, try to help them go somewhere where they can be helped. However, ALWAYS make sure that she be held responsible for their actions.
I will warn, this book comes from a very White middle-class able-bodied perspective. (There are some racial stereotypes as well as a few completely insensitive comments about people with disabilities.) However, this is understandable as it is a memoir of a middle class White woman and never claimed to be anything more. I would give it to anyone who is a reader and also wants to know what this BPD this is about.
I’m personally sad the author disappeared from the Internet. I know she doesn’t want to be an advocate anymore, but by the end I was intrigued to know how she was doing. Even if I found she wasn’t doing well I would know that eventually she would do well again.
The Rest:
This memoir has given me a lot of perspective on BPD, as well as the paradoxes of Buddhism and the stupid things people do in relationships, myself included. Sadly, I don’t know if people who are in the midst of their suffering with BPD or people with just the life-long relationship drama symptoms could get through the whole book. I was very glad I did read the entire thing and not just because the Buddhism lies at the end. At first I put off on how much she identifies with her BPD diagnosis in the beginning, and you can only come to understand that was part of her journey in the end. Some people may have a lot of drama trouble with relationships all their lives and never want to identify with BPD, but parts of this book may be able to help them.
I am a clinician as well as a Gen X woman, so of course I have a lot of preconceived ideas about BPD. There is the one side that says: “these people are hopeless, if I want to save them they will just take me down with them and not even care.” Then there is the other COMPLETELY opposing side that says: “BPD is a construct of our sexist society and used as an oppressive tool for people, mostly women, who went through trauma and had really selfish horrible parents.” This disorder brings about in others the very black in white thinking that people with it can display…or maybe I am just a mushroom when I’m around BPD. However, due to this book I now have a more “dialectical” view and it is this:
This diagnosis is real. If my own daughter were to have BPD symptoms I would not deny her or blame myself I would get her treatment and support. People with this diagnosis shouldn’t be shunned. However, if you can’t be there enough to take care of them, and many people can’t it’s a lot, try to help them go somewhere where they can be helped. However, ALWAYS make sure that she be held responsible for their actions.
I will warn, this book comes from a very White middle-class able-bodied perspective. (There are some racial stereotypes as well as a few completely insensitive comments about people with disabilities.) However, this is understandable as it is a memoir of a middle class White woman and never claimed to be anything more. I would give it to anyone who is a reader and also wants to know what this BPD this is about.
I’m personally sad the author disappeared from the Internet. I know she doesn’t want to be an advocate anymore, but by the end I was intrigued to know how she was doing. Even if I found she wasn’t doing well I would know that eventually she would do well again.
June 18, 2015
Having been first introduced to individuals with this type of maladaptive behavioral pattern while I was a clinical social worker in a downtown Detroit crisis center as well working in a residential treatment center for adolescents, I chanced upon this title in my search for a more buddhist approach to mental health.
This is a memoir of someone who identifies with this disorder- strongly at first, less so as she learned more about Buddhism. This is not a book that will tell you all the terrible things borderlines supposedly are. If you want an orgy of such vitriol, a quick google search will quench your thirst for vengeance.
This is an honest and thought provoking account of one woman's journey. I applaud her for her courage and for telling a story in which Buddhism is uniquely suited to help heal. Heal the individual and heal the greater family structure. Through absolute compassion (see Thich Nhat Hahn and Pema Chodrun) such healing can be nurtured.
Unfortunately in the west, psychiatry is about classifying and pigeon holing individuals into black and white categories. I look upon my 8 years as a professional in the field of mental health as a period of great regret. Patients became consumers- which ultimately, led the vast majority in the field to treat people as their diagnoses. That was wrong. It is only more so today.
My heart goes out to those who struggle with such a burden along with their families. However, with spiritual grounding, true transformative growth is possible.
This is a memoir of someone who identifies with this disorder- strongly at first, less so as she learned more about Buddhism. This is not a book that will tell you all the terrible things borderlines supposedly are. If you want an orgy of such vitriol, a quick google search will quench your thirst for vengeance.
This is an honest and thought provoking account of one woman's journey. I applaud her for her courage and for telling a story in which Buddhism is uniquely suited to help heal. Heal the individual and heal the greater family structure. Through absolute compassion (see Thich Nhat Hahn and Pema Chodrun) such healing can be nurtured.
Unfortunately in the west, psychiatry is about classifying and pigeon holing individuals into black and white categories. I look upon my 8 years as a professional in the field of mental health as a period of great regret. Patients became consumers- which ultimately, led the vast majority in the field to treat people as their diagnoses. That was wrong. It is only more so today.
My heart goes out to those who struggle with such a burden along with their families. However, with spiritual grounding, true transformative growth is possible.
August 7, 2011
Excellent book that I would highly recommend for anyone dealing with their own emotional dysregulation or those of someone else. Should be required reading for all clinicians. Completely has changed my compassion level for individuals who struggle with BPD. There is such an emphasis on their manipulative behavior and not enough on the incredible pain that they experience. We could all benefit from increasing our level of empathy, compassion, and validation for their experience.
This is a book that I am going to be HIGHLY recommending for my clients and for their parents, but I think it is an engaging read for anyone interested in mental health.
This is a book that I am going to be HIGHLY recommending for my clients and for their parents, but I think it is an engaging read for anyone interested in mental health.
February 21, 2025
I have never felt so seen. This is the first piece of media that feels like holding up a mirror. If there was a book to recommend to people who want to understand BPD, it would be this. I hope at some point people in my life can read this.
June 10, 2022
I want to give the author credit for both (largely) overcoming her issues, as well as producing an informative book about it.
However... I don't feel I was the target audience here, being an older guy with no connection to BPD as a condition. Honestly, at times it felt as though this were the story of an unhappy, frustrated young woman in general. I wasn't much interested in her personal life (boyfriends), which make up a fair amount of the story. What did work had to do with her therapist, and Buddhist practice, getting her to a point where she could detach for rational thinking when she felt her world overwhelming.
I'm going to recommend this one as more a BPD resource than general interest from my experience.
However... I don't feel I was the target audience here, being an older guy with no connection to BPD as a condition. Honestly, at times it felt as though this were the story of an unhappy, frustrated young woman in general. I wasn't much interested in her personal life (boyfriends), which make up a fair amount of the story. What did work had to do with her therapist, and Buddhist practice, getting her to a point where she could detach for rational thinking when she felt her world overwhelming.
I'm going to recommend this one as more a BPD resource than general interest from my experience.
January 12, 2013
The Buddha and the Borderline was a great, highly enlightened, tragic, hilarious, and informative memoir from Kiera Van Gelder. It is her story about her struggle with dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and using dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and Buddhism to help her manage this illness.
When I was in my high school health class, I learned about this disorder and really thought I knew it, to the point when I thought I actually had it. Honestly, now learning more in depth about it, I believe everybody has this, although to a lesser degree. I admire Van Gelder for putting her struggle out there. It is not an easy thing to do being so exposed and vulnerable.
BPD is all about duality. The person is literally on the borderline of being neurotic and psychotic. They feel lonely but push people away. They're emotional are heightened. If you don't speak to a person suffering from BPD for a day, they will become convinced that you don't like them anymore. It's like a switch. It sounds exhausting as it's described. In fact, I read the first 150 pages in a day and felt utterly wiped.
The treatment DBT is acknowledging this duality and learn that change is always constant and the person is going have to deal with it.
The mere fact that I thought I had this in high school shows me that I had no idea what BPD actually was. I am a bit ashamed for my callousness and nonchalance. I recommend this book for any budding psychologists or anyone who wants to see someone go through hell and come out not unscathed but stronger.
When I was in my high school health class, I learned about this disorder and really thought I knew it, to the point when I thought I actually had it. Honestly, now learning more in depth about it, I believe everybody has this, although to a lesser degree. I admire Van Gelder for putting her struggle out there. It is not an easy thing to do being so exposed and vulnerable.
BPD is all about duality. The person is literally on the borderline of being neurotic and psychotic. They feel lonely but push people away. They're emotional are heightened. If you don't speak to a person suffering from BPD for a day, they will become convinced that you don't like them anymore. It's like a switch. It sounds exhausting as it's described. In fact, I read the first 150 pages in a day and felt utterly wiped.
The treatment DBT is acknowledging this duality and learn that change is always constant and the person is going have to deal with it.
The mere fact that I thought I had this in high school shows me that I had no idea what BPD actually was. I am a bit ashamed for my callousness and nonchalance. I recommend this book for any budding psychologists or anyone who wants to see someone go through hell and come out not unscathed but stronger.
August 7, 2012
I didn't even know that I was going to read this book right now and a trip to the water park demanded a book. I grabbed the closest thing I had an the journey began. The book is memoir written by a women who was diagnosed with BPD. As she relates her experiences she seems to take an honest and revealing approach, sharing the tragedies and triumphs she experienced. I found her honesty refreshing and engaging and suffering from my own "savior complex" (as she calls it) I found myself hoping that the happy ending would be there when I arrived, that perhaps answers....no, THE answer would be there. And with many situations in life the author reports that it is the journey we need to be aware of, not the end point. I admit that I am a novie though I am also a fan of Mindfulness, so her extension of this into buddist traditions fit well with my views. I also found it interesting that her form of spirituality played a role in her progress. Not a spirituality imposed on her but one that she found fit with her and her place in life. If you would like to have a relatively easy, fast read with the benefit of a greater understanding of life's struggles, I am guessing you would enjoy this book. I did.
January 12, 2013
This book seemed to embellish a lot of accounts. I felt she was trying too hard to make herself look "crazy." People with BPD, I feel, have way more self control in the harm they do to themselves. Yes, we do have tendencies to ruin relationships, but we learn to adapt and express it inwardly. The last thing, at least, I want is for someone to think I'm psycho. I'll kick and scream and bawl when I'm home alone but no in the presence of anyone else. Also this book has such a "I did it and so can you!" element to it. I wanted to read a memoir, not a self-help book.
August 19, 2020
Really wanted this book to be for me but the explicit racism throughout the book put me off to the point I could not even finish reading the book and gave it away. As a young black women who has recently been diagnosed with BPD I thought this book will help me better understand someone else's experience of BPD and how recovery was possible.
The only thing I learned is the author is a privlegged white woman who has no awareness of herself, her actions towards others and her unchecked racism. I find it hilarious the author becomes a buddhist, the irony is beyond me.
The only thing I learned is the author is a privlegged white woman who has no awareness of herself, her actions towards others and her unchecked racism. I find it hilarious the author becomes a buddhist, the irony is beyond me.
November 13, 2015
I've read a handful of books about borderline personality disorder -- or more accurately, how to cope with all the shit you're subjected to when a borderline person is in your life -- but this is the first one I've read by someone with BPD. I'm about 80% through. It's very good. I suspect that she's glossing over or omitting some of the more awful things she's done to other people. But it's well-written. It made me feel compassion, when my first reaction to a borderline is fury. Van Gelder describes how awful it is to try for years to get help, finally getting a wishy-washy diagnosis, and then to try to read about your diagnosis... only to find all the books and online support groups are for the non-borderline people. And it doesn't help that the diagnosis is so stigmatized that any health professional trying to help you doesn't want to give you the diagnosis in the first place. She was very lucky to find a job and a place to live, and to be functional enough that she could persist in seeking help. We need a system of mental health care that doesn't rely on people who have difficulty with their daily functioning to somehow be able to advocate for themselves, as Van Gelder was, and to have family members who are able to help them as much as her stepfather did. The way our society deals with the mentally ill is either a set of unreasonable expectations (if we don't understand what we're doing) or else just inhumane (if we do understand what we're doing).
January 23, 2018
First things first: the constant repetition, spelling and grammatical errors throughout this book were so prevalent that it became a distraction. How this possibly made it past the eyes of three editors and one copy editor is astonishing.
As for its contents: I took some comfort in reading about someone whose experience with BPD was quite similar to mine. I particularly empathized with her frustration at navigating the mental health system. However, it was disheartening to be reminded that I will likely never have access to the resources and care the author received. If the root of Buddhism is compassion, she failed to see just how lucky she was - and how much that might hurt her readers.
Buddhism itself comprised only about 1/8 of this book, and to be honest, it didn’t seem like she got much out of it. If her final conclusion was that she had to love herself, well, I’ve had countless people tell me that throughout my life. Hasn’t changed anything and I certainly didn’t have to move into an ashram to learn about it. The entire section on her experience with Buddhism just reminded me of the numerous books on BPD that described our personality type as that which is so desperate for acceptance that we make ideal cult recruits.
As for its contents: I took some comfort in reading about someone whose experience with BPD was quite similar to mine. I particularly empathized with her frustration at navigating the mental health system. However, it was disheartening to be reminded that I will likely never have access to the resources and care the author received. If the root of Buddhism is compassion, she failed to see just how lucky she was - and how much that might hurt her readers.
Buddhism itself comprised only about 1/8 of this book, and to be honest, it didn’t seem like she got much out of it. If her final conclusion was that she had to love herself, well, I’ve had countless people tell me that throughout my life. Hasn’t changed anything and I certainly didn’t have to move into an ashram to learn about it. The entire section on her experience with Buddhism just reminded me of the numerous books on BPD that described our personality type as that which is so desperate for acceptance that we make ideal cult recruits.
October 22, 2012
"In one sense, it’s like growing a plant. You have the seed, but you need to give it certain elements: sun, water, soil. We have the seed. But how do you grow a borderline? Her word for the environment that cultivates our disorder is “invalidating.” She doesn’t use the term “abuse” or even “neglect,” but “invalidation” to describe how a vulnerable child’s inner experiences—thoughts, emotions, sensations, and beliefs—are either disregarded, denied, erratically responded to, punished, or oversimplified by caretakers and nurturers. There is a “nonattunement” of response."
"“Impermanence. The view is understanding that everything that is born dies. Everything that arises dissolves. Nothing is exempt from this. Everything that is conditional is exhausted, from a leaf to a person to a universe.” He stops speaking and lets this sink in. “This is not a Buddhist belief,” he finally says. “We don’t need to have faith in it. This fact of impermanence is self-evident. And when you know how impermanent life is, you will understand its preciousness: how at any moment, it can disappear; your own life can disappear. Each breath, if you think about it, may be your last"
March 10, 2014
Wow. I'm stunned by the author's courage in being honest about her neediness and self-centredness. I knew very little about BPD before reading this book; now I think it must be one of the most difficult mental illnesses around, for both the sufferer and those who care for them. I hope that having read this book about what's happening 'inside' someone with BPD will help me to be more compassionate with people who seem to me to simply be narcissistic and needy.
I did hope for a bit more about how Buddhism helped the author in her recovery, given the title of this book, and I'm not sure that I saw much evidence that the author's practices had helped her to develop compassion for others rather than simply for herself, but maybe her writing this book to give a window into the BPD mindset was that act of compassion.
Fascinating read, but I'm not sure it's one that I'd recommend for those who have suffered deeply from having someone with BPD in the family. Did anyone reassure the author's mother that she was a 'good enough' mother and that her daughter's illness wasn't her fault?
I did hope for a bit more about how Buddhism helped the author in her recovery, given the title of this book, and I'm not sure that I saw much evidence that the author's practices had helped her to develop compassion for others rather than simply for herself, but maybe her writing this book to give a window into the BPD mindset was that act of compassion.
Fascinating read, but I'm not sure it's one that I'd recommend for those who have suffered deeply from having someone with BPD in the family. Did anyone reassure the author's mother that she was a 'good enough' mother and that her daughter's illness wasn't her fault?
November 5, 2012
Very honest account of the diagnosis, recovery, and ongoing struggles of a woman with BPD. Her honesty, courage, and humor came through along with the raging out of control behaviors exhibited when there is no sense of a reliable connection with others.
As literature, however, it could have used a bit more editing. I also think it was long on DBT and short on Buddhism, but perhaps that is splitting hairs.
As literature, however, it could have used a bit more editing. I also think it was long on DBT and short on Buddhism, but perhaps that is splitting hairs.
July 21, 2022
This was an excellent, informative read, that a dear friend with whom I have a long, complicated, turbulent history recommended to me, full of insights into what it's like to live with and deal with this all too often demonized, stigmatized mental condition.
May 27, 2025
I have conflicting feelings about this book, which appears to have been evangelised and taken as bible, if it being listed as *the* book on BPD by various community forums *and* shoved down my throat by different medical professionals is evidence enough.
Outside of her exploration of BPD and its DBT treatment, Van Gelder is a poor writer and this book suffers from lack of insight. The title is misleading as she leaves exploring her Buddhist faith till the very end, and has no discernible insight into what, exactly, she draws from it.
The stand out part of this book was her journey to healing via online dating, in which Van Gelder uses multiple dating apps to speed run self harming via sex and dating men only to serve her own need to be validated and cared for, which of course ends miserably each time. (God, I need to remain single).
Above all, I appreciate just how open Van Gelder was about her messiness. The ugliness of her BPD induced distorted thoughts did not cause her to hold back, and her vulnerability is what best allows her to advocate for those with the diagnosis. Like most of the reviews on this book I related heavily at times to her symptoms and deep struggle to identify, accept and try to heal from them.
Being kind to oneself when living with BPD is an alien concept it seems, given that our drive for acceptance is fuelled by an all too familiar feeling of abandonment. We operate on self-flagellation and allow our inward scrutiny to snowball out of control sometimes, as I am coming to learn. Seeing Van Gelder gradually be able to be kinder on and advocate for herself feels rewarding. If there is one thing the book needed to be it was hopeful and not deterministic, without hiding or minimising when the disorder rears its ugly head, which it succeeded at. Van Gelder is able to recognise her various parts of herself, like her six year old self, and nurture them. I absolutely love how she learned to discern which parts of herself - which of her ages - were the trigged self and through that, learn how each self operates and what soothes them.
I am unsure if I would recommended this book to somebody with BPD as eagerly as it was recommended to me, but it wasn’t bad by any means, and I’ll always advocate for reading about various illnesses and disorders from the hands and mouths of people living with them. Books on BPD are often pathologised to the point of encouraging stigma.
Outside of her exploration of BPD and its DBT treatment, Van Gelder is a poor writer and this book suffers from lack of insight. The title is misleading as she leaves exploring her Buddhist faith till the very end, and has no discernible insight into what, exactly, she draws from it.
The stand out part of this book was her journey to healing via online dating, in which Van Gelder uses multiple dating apps to speed run self harming via sex and dating men only to serve her own need to be validated and cared for, which of course ends miserably each time. (God, I need to remain single).
Above all, I appreciate just how open Van Gelder was about her messiness. The ugliness of her BPD induced distorted thoughts did not cause her to hold back, and her vulnerability is what best allows her to advocate for those with the diagnosis. Like most of the reviews on this book I related heavily at times to her symptoms and deep struggle to identify, accept and try to heal from them.
Being kind to oneself when living with BPD is an alien concept it seems, given that our drive for acceptance is fuelled by an all too familiar feeling of abandonment. We operate on self-flagellation and allow our inward scrutiny to snowball out of control sometimes, as I am coming to learn. Seeing Van Gelder gradually be able to be kinder on and advocate for herself feels rewarding. If there is one thing the book needed to be it was hopeful and not deterministic, without hiding or minimising when the disorder rears its ugly head, which it succeeded at. Van Gelder is able to recognise her various parts of herself, like her six year old self, and nurture them. I absolutely love how she learned to discern which parts of herself - which of her ages - were the trigged self and through that, learn how each self operates and what soothes them.
I am unsure if I would recommended this book to somebody with BPD as eagerly as it was recommended to me, but it wasn’t bad by any means, and I’ll always advocate for reading about various illnesses and disorders from the hands and mouths of people living with them. Books on BPD are often pathologised to the point of encouraging stigma.
January 29, 2022
My one quibble is that the sections recounting Van Gelder’s early struggles with borderline personality disorder (BPD) contained too much diegesis (telling) and not enough mimesis (showing). This is a disorder that creates many experiences that can easily enliven a memoir, and yet I never really felt her struggles before she entered treatment.
Van Gelder does an exceptional job explaining the change process for someone who works hard and receives the right support for overcoming this illness. This is largely a memoir about therapy, the therapies and therapists that didn’t help (e.g., the well-meaning but somewhat ignorant addictions counselor) and those that did, namely Marsha Linehan’s dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).
As a therapist as well as someone who himself often struggles regulating his own emotions, I often found this book fascinating. Van Gelder is nothing less than heroic, a fighter who kept trying to understand her own soul and kept using one skill after another as she came to find control and peace. An enjoyable read that makes me want to better understand DBT.
Van Gelder does an exceptional job explaining the change process for someone who works hard and receives the right support for overcoming this illness. This is largely a memoir about therapy, the therapies and therapists that didn’t help (e.g., the well-meaning but somewhat ignorant addictions counselor) and those that did, namely Marsha Linehan’s dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).
As a therapist as well as someone who himself often struggles regulating his own emotions, I often found this book fascinating. Van Gelder is nothing less than heroic, a fighter who kept trying to understand her own soul and kept using one skill after another as she came to find control and peace. An enjoyable read that makes me want to better understand DBT.
January 30, 2024
Candid memoir about living with and recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder with VERY insightful explanations about DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) as developed by Marsha Linehan and parts work from IFS (Internal Family Systems) by Richard Schwartz. Kiera van Gelder used to work as an advocate for BPD for years and her extensive knowledge really shows in this book. I couldn't detract as much from the last chapter about buddhism and found it a bit redundant towards the end but that's just a personal preference. Content warning for self-harm, sexual abuse, and rape!
I also watched and can highly recommend the documentary that Kiera van Gelder took part in: "Back from the Edge" (on YouTube), featuring Otto Kernberg (founder of TFP) and Marsha Linehan herself.
I also watched and can highly recommend the documentary that Kiera van Gelder took part in: "Back from the Edge" (on YouTube), featuring Otto Kernberg (founder of TFP) and Marsha Linehan herself.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 455 reviews