Caring Enough to Confront: How to Understand and Express Your Deepest Feelings Toward Others

by David Augsburger

Discussing trust, anger, change, prejudice, blame, guilt, loyalty and conscience, the author describes a life-style for Christians who care enough to risk confronting others when differences become important. Especially for Christians who care deeply about relationships--adults, youth, pastors, couples.

Genres: Christian, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Relationships, Christian Living, Counselling

142 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1973

Reviews

[Reid · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my favorite and most useful books on communication

CARING ENOUGH TO CONFRONT
1. CARE-FRONTING: The Creative Way Through Conflict
Speaking the Truth in Love
CONFRONTATION MATCHED WITH CARING

2. TRUTHING IT: A Simplified Speech Style
Speak the Truth
Be Truthful
Act Truly

3. OWNING ANGER: Let Both Your Faces Show
1. "I AM A PERSON"
2. "I DEMAND YOU RECOGNIZE & RESPECT ME"

4. INVITING CHANGE: Careful Confrontation
CARING COMES FIRST, THEN COMES CONFRONTATION
1. FOCUS ON ACTION NOT ACTOR
2. FOCUS ON DESCRIPTIONS NOT JUDGMENTS
3. FOCUS ON QUANTITY NOT QUALITY
4. FOCUS ON IDEAS, INFORMATION, & ALTERNATIVES not ADVICE & ANSWERS
5. FOCUS ON AMT USEFUL TO THE RECEIVER not ON AMT AVAILABLE WITHIN YOU AS THE GIVER
6. FOCUS ON "WHAT" & "HOW" not "WHY"
7. FOCUS ON BEST TIME FOR RECEIVER not YOUR BEST TIME
8. FOCUS ON OBSERVATIONS not CONCLUSIONS

GUIDELINES
1. CARINGLY
2. GENTLY
3. CONSTRUCTIVELY
4. ACCEPTANTLY
5. CONFRONT CLEARLY
WHAT IS FACT (OBSERVATION)
WHAT IS FELT (EMOTION)
WHAT IS HYPOTHESIS (INTERPRETATION)

5. GIVING TRUST: A Two-Way Venture of Faith
TRUST BASIC TO ALL LEARNING
TRUST THE CORE TO ALL HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS

6. ENDING BLAME: Forget Whose Fault
PROBING FOR SHAME GUARANTEES DEFEAT
FOCUS ON PRESENT RESPONSIBILITY AND FUTURE

7. CASE DISMISSED: Reclaiming the Gavel
GIVING and RECEIVING OF CONFRONTATION MUST HAPPEN IN CONTEXT OF GOOD WILL, NOT CONDEMNATION - BEING ON TRIAL
WHEN YOU ARE OFF TRIAL YOU TREAT OTHERS AS EQUALS AS WELL
NOW, ARE YOU WILLING TO ACCEPT LOVE? ACCEPT GRACE?

8. GETTING UNSTUCK: Experiencing the Freedom to Change
WOULD ANOTHER LIVE YOUR LIFE BETTER?
CAN'T CHANGE? -> CONTROLLED BY FATE?
CHANGE, STRENGTH IS POSSIBLE! BY ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY
REPENTANCE=ACTING RESPONSIBLY

9. PREJUDICE: What Has it Done for You Lately?
OBJECTIONS DON'T HOLD UP:
IT'S NOT BIBLICAL, IT'S NOT PRACTICAL, IT'S WRONG FOR THE CHILDREN
PREJUDICE SMACK IN THE FACE OF: " WE ARE ONE IN CHRIST"

10. PEACEMAKING: Getting it Together Again
PEACEMAKERS ARE PEOPLE OF CONSCIENCE
WITHOUT CONSCIENTIOUS WISDOM, HUMAN BEINGS BECOME INHUMAN
PEACEMAKING IS JESUS' KIND OF LOVE
CARING ENOUGH TO CONFRONT by David Augsburger 1973

[Gary Patton · Rating 5 out of 5]

I first read this book many years ago and return to it regularly as one of the most helpful and powerful books on communication which I've ever read. (As a communications consultant and University teacher for many years, that's quite the recommendation.)

Jesus in His "Platinum Rule" ( http://diigo.com/0l8po ) commands His Followers to love one another, unconditionally.

Like David Augsburger says in this book, we cannot do so without appropriately and effectively confronting others as we're led and commanded in Scripture at https://diigo.com/0zyty.

Mr. Augsburger coined the word 'care-fronting'. I like it as a creative and helpful alternative to the word 'confront' and the expression "tough love". Conflict-adverse people and others are often uncomfortable with both of the latter words. He shares 5 typical approaches to conflict and disagreements which I categorize as: 1. Fight, 2. Flee, 3. Fall down, 4. Semi-freeze, and 5. Flow! In some circumstances, each of these options may be the wisest one. But wherever possible, care-frontation is the strategy that best and quickest leads to personal relational and spiritual growth and long term resolution of differences of belief and opinion.

Read this book to learn how to care-front and communicate better and more comfortably. I also recommend Mr. Augsburger's companion "caring" books.

He writes well and is easy to read.

Enjoy and learn to communicate better...

Blessings,
GaryFPatton (gfp '42™)
(Revised 2013-12-10)

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was honestly so good. I was a little skeptical coming into reading it but was so much better than the title or description makes it seem. Felt very relevant and practical and an easy read with lots of stories. If you’ve read the book Boundaries, this one felt pretty similar but much more focused on communication which is way more helpful for me personally! Definitely would recommend and would skim again to remind myself of all the practicals that the book offered.

[Taeryn Rose · Rating 5 out of 5]

So so good!! Unexpected from a book from the 1970’s, but this was given to me by an older friend and I was blown away by the insight and truth in it. And the political/ relational commentary that is still so relevant to today.

[Brittany Boggess · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a course requirement. I have really learned a lot about the importance of conflicting with care.

[Rob · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a very good book in helping me think about what it means to confront others in a biblical and caring way. Confronting biblically is always done out of love and for the benefit of others. Confronting biblically is not self-serving . It requires me to put my own desires aside for the sake of another. It requires me to first examine myself. It requires me to truly care about and love the other person more than I love myself. This type of confrontation requires me to check myself.

This book has been good for me as a leader, a teacher, an administrator, a parent, and a husband. It has helped me to see my poor confrontational skills and approaches. It has helped me to see my own selfishness and pride that is often the cause of poor confrontation. While I don't agree completely with everything the author has to say, he has challenged me to think through confrontation before I enter it and even as I'm in the midst of it. I've found myself stopping my words and re-phrasing things before I say them. I find myself thinking about things a little more from the other's perspective instead of only my own. I find myself considering how the other person must be feeling and what they are going through before I confront them. I find myself stopping to think through the confrontation much more than before.

I do not want to be afraid to confront others, but I want to be loving in the way I do it. I want to approach others in a loving way. I want to put others first and treat them according to the way God treats us. I have a lot of work to do, but this book has helped me to identify areas of my life that need changing, especially in the way I relate to and deal with others.

[Jonathan · Rating 3 out of 5]

A much more poetic book that similar self help-type books on effective communication in disagreements. In some ways that's nice, in some ways it can cause me to miss information. Most of the book is surprisingly non-dated considering its age - when he started arguing against club segregation and those who opposed interracial marriage, I was shocked, and had to turn to the front to see that the book is 40 years old. The final chapter on nonviolence seemed really out-of-place, which was disappointing because I think it actually could have been written in such a way to fit into the larger narrative. Overall, though, I think it was a helpful book for understanding how to approach others in a manner that will help both people involved.

[Erin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this years ago and have referred to it over the years. By nature I am not a confrontational person. This books helps me to do it with style.

[John · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is from a genre that I normally bypass, but it was recommended to me by a wise person.
The title says it all, really. Truly caring about another person may mean confronting that person, lovingly but firmly. If your son is keeping to his room, his grades are plunging and he has new friends he doesn't want you to meet, it's not the loving thing to simply hope it's a phase he will grow out of.
One chapter of this book seemed to really hit the nail on the proverbial head in my case. The title is "Case Dismissed: Reclaiming the Gavel." It calls out the practice of living our lives according to what other people think of us, seeking their approval rather than seeking to do well for the sake of doing well. I realized that this is absolutely an area of weakness for me.
David Augsburger writes:
Few things are more painful than to be always on trial, constantly working for praise. Praise is a ruling in your favor. Enough praise might add up to an acquittal. But it is highly unlikely that there will ever be enough praise to convince you that you're okay.
This was helpful.
But much of the book seemed to me to be psychobabble, albeit Christian psychobabble. In the final chapter, we're introduced to mono-polar spirituality, bi-polar spirituality and tri-polar spirituality. Holy Moley! Then Augsburger writes, "Let's pause to seek a better understanding of all three." No! I screamed silently. Let's just pause. He goes on to give us a chart with a 1.5 and a 2.5 added between the various spiritualities. This is the point at which I, if this were a live lecture instead of book, would have to suppress a giggle.
A chapter on peacemaking turns out to be, in large part, an anti-war screed. It's OK with me if the author is anti-war. It's certainly better than being pro-war. But it seemed to me to go beyond the scope of the book and more an opportunity for the author to get on a soapbox.

[Anne Hamilton · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked the way this book has the potential to defuse conflict situations by urging you to think of whether your stance conforms to ‘My Way, ‘Your Way’, ‘No Way’, ‘Our Way’ or ‘Third Way’ and what the ramifications of your position are.

It didn’t advocate one particular way as being the Biblical exemplar, instead pointing at that Jesus took one stance at one time and another at a different time, depending on the circumstances. I also liked the way the book progressed from personal conflict at the beginning of the book to national and international conflict at the end, looking at war in four different modes: Blank Check (whatever the government wants is ok); Holy War (defence of a nation to save its religion); Just War (shorthand for 'justified war' which is declared by a just authority, fought to bring about a just and beneficial peace, fought using just means); Non-Violent Love.

There is a conflict behaviour survey at the end but I actually couldn’t figure out how to use it.

[Heather Racey · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s fair to say I will return to this book as a reference in the future. Despite the outdated jargon, it effectively emphasizes the importance of freedom to express both positive and negative emotions in order for a relationship to be both real and full of love. It also breaks down the varying responses to conflict and makes the point that none of the responses are inherently bad but sometimes are fit for different situations. From there, the author takes a close up view on what it means to be humbled by negative emotions, how to accept positive emotions, and how to deal specifically with anger and prejudice. For me, the glorious banner that arched over it all was how identity must be found in Christ, to accept His love and acceptance of me. A challenging read, but challenging to lies that every reader ought to confront.

[Reagan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked this book. I think ch. 5-8 on trust, blame, judgement, and change are great. I found helpful the "I" statements that articulate how to communicate clearly how you are relating to another person. The last two chapters feel like telling rather than showing, and the emphasis on relating to others is broadened to talk about pacifism (which is a fun conversation... Just not in line with where I thought the book was going). It also starts off very slow. I would recommend the appendix exam that charts how to relate and the middle chapters and probably skim the rest of the book for nuggets. Overall good experience.

[Ali · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked this book. David Augsburger presents “care-fronting” which is confronting in a caring way. I found his analysis and suggestions helpful. I especially like that he doesn’t diss all other forms of conflict engagement, but instead discusses situations in which each form is most appropriate.

This book is dated in a lot of ways and there are chapters toward the end that don’t fit in smoothly with the first part. Overall this is a useful book for considering productive conflict engagement from a Christian perspective.

[Rev. Linda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Augsburger believes that relationships bloom out of conflict when we remember that the important issue is not what the conflict is about, but how it is handled....about building trust, coping with blame and prejudice, and being honest about anger and frustration. His ideas will work well for personal, work and other relationships.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

The book was pretty good right until the last chapter. Where the author told me pagans or people in earth-based spiritualities don’t have a sense of community and they don’t care about and love others. That they are selfish. I’m biased. I’m a pagan. I know other pagans. I’ve seen them exhibit boundless love and caring. So these comments the author made were simply inaccurate.

[Paige Rigby · Rating 3 out of 5]

Recommended by a counselor, I appreciated a lot of the tips on communication found in this book. The content could be used to help relationships across the spectrum- spouses, parents, siblings, coworkers, etc. it really focuses on how to have healthy conversations, even when the discussion points are delicate or difficult.

[Chandra Boulden · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some people confronting comes more naturally, others caring comes easier. The author illustrates that it is not only important to do both, but how to do both. An easy to read, simple and yet profound book!

[Erica Miske · Rating 4 out of 5]

My mother in law recommended that I read this book (as a recovering peace keeper:) . It’s really good! A little dated which makes it seem a little dry. But I read it in one sitting. I took notes and liked the wisdom on how to confront with love

[Renetta Neal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Got me thinking about how to respond rather than react - though I have been working on this stuff for years there is always a little bit more to learn :-)

[Brittany · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great book on the art of conflict resolution. It helped me gain a better insight on how to have a confrontation that is productive a d shares responsibility for all parties!

[L Caron · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is important to keep boundaries that are healthy, especially as leaders. This book really helped lay out how and why. Good read for passive folk, like me.

[Austyn Dentry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great perspective on confronting because we care!! Such an empowering book!

[Josh Sweeney · Rating 3 out of 5]

Carefrontation is the goal and it makes sense. More of a marriage counseling book than anything else.

[k · Rating 5 out of 5]

this was such a good book. it has so many good insights into dealing with confrontation within ourselves so that we can have better relationships with others.

[Charlene Mathe · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'd like to see an update on this 1973 book. It provides helpful analysis and advice on the little-discussed life skill of interpersonal confrontation. David Augsburger says that we have five options for dealing with differences: 1) I'll get him, 2) I'll get out, 3) I'll give in, 4) I'll meet you halfway, and 5) I'll care enough to confront. Each of these options makes sense in certain situations, but wherever possible, effective confrontation is the option that leads to growth and long term resolutions. Augsburger's examples, analysis, and suggestions are useful; because effective confrontation does not come naturally for most of us. It requires commitment and courage; much easier to distance ourselves. Some of Augsburger's chapters are useful as stand-alone's, such as the chapters on Owning Anger and Giving Trust. The book is definitely a good read. I'd be interested in recommendations for other books on this topic.

[Jasmine · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had been wanting to read this book for a couple of years and finally got my hands on a copy. The rest of the book really disappointed me.

Only note I took:

one can have something to stand for (goals) as well as someone to stand with (relationship) without sacrificing one for the other or collapsing one into another. This allows each of us to be genuinely loving without giving away one’s power to think, choose and act. In such honesty, one can love powerfully and be powerfully loving. These are not contradictory. They are complementary. (The opposite is to express powerless love until anger erupts in loveless power—to yield in pseudo-love until one overloads to the breaking point and then explode with demands heated to the boiling point.)

[Joel · Rating 3 out of 5]

I oscillate between two stars and three stars on this one. On one hand there is a lot of good practical tips that will help the Christian leader both care for and challenge those he/she leads. There are a number of good insights about relational tendencies of people as well. On the other hand, it isn't always rooted in a deep understanding of the Gospel. This is not always the case; one chapter draws the explicit connection between the Gospel and healthy leadership; but there isn't always a concrete connection. I have settled on three stars because there is helpful information, though sometimes divorced from a good theological basis.

[Robin]

I started reading this during my struggles of my divorce since I have difficulties confronting people directly. I only got to page 49. Comes from anger management issues of men in my past life. I am currently blessed with a man, Jean, who allows me to express my feelings without exploding, honoring and listening to what I have to say. There are still people in my life, at work and around, that I still could learn to use this information on. I will read again!

[Kipi (the academic stitcher) · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent book on the importance of caring confrontation (what the author calls "care-fronting"). It is written in a very easy-to-read style and offers very practical advice for anyone interested in learning how to grow and strengthen relationships.

4.5 stars

[Leabelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Of course.. in some situations confrontation is the only way. The good friend will do it, the self-server often won't. This book is valuable in that it sets the ground that confrontation can indeed be a loving action and often the only appropriate course of action.