What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

by Paul David Tripp

Marriage, according to Scripture, will always involve two flawed people living with each other in a fallen world. Yet, in pastor Paul Tripp's professional experience, the majority of couples enter marriage with unrealistic expectations, leaving them unprepared for the day-to-day realities of married life. This unique book introduces a biblical and practical approach to those realities that is rooted in God's faithfulness and Scripture's teaching on sin and grace. "Spouses need to be reconciled to each other and to God on a daily basis," Tripp declares. "Since we're always sinners married to sinners, reconciliation isn't just the right response in moments of failure. It must be the lifestyle of any healthy marriage." What Did You Expect? presents six practical commitments that give shape and momentum to such a lifestyle. These commitments, which include honestly facing sin, weakness, and failure; willingness to change; and embodying Christ's love, will equip couples to develop a thriving, grace-based marriage in all circumstances and seasons of their relationship.

Genres: Marriage, Christian, Nonfiction, Relationships, Christian Living, Counselling, Theology

287 pages, Hardcover

First published April 6, 2010

About the author

Paul was born in Toledo, Ohio to Bob and Fae Tripp on November 12, 1950. Paul spent all of his growing years in Toledo until his college years when his parents moved to Southern California.
At Columbia Bible College from 1968-1972, (now Columbia International University) Paul majored in Bible and Christian Education. Although he had planned to be there for only two years and then to study journalism, Paul more and more felt like there was so much of the theology of Scripture that he did not understand, so he decided to go to seminary. Paul met Luella Jackson at College and they married in 1971. In 1971, Paul took his first pastoral position and has had a heart for the local church ever since. After college, Paul completed his Master of Divinity degree at the Reformed Episcopal Seminary (now known as Philadelphia Theological Seminary) in Philadelphia (1972-1975). It was during these days that Paul’s commitment to ministry solidified. After seminary, Paul was involved in planting a church in Scranton, Pennsylvania (1977-1987) where he also founded a Christian School. During the years in Scranton, Paul became involved in music, traveling with a band and writing worship songs. In Scranton, Paul became interested in biblical counseling and decided to enroll in the D.Min program in Biblical Counseling at Westminster Theological Seminary, Philadelphia. Paul then became a faculty member of the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation (CCEF) and a lecturer in biblical counseling at Westminster Theological Seminary, Philadelphia. Paul has also served as Visiting Professor at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky.
In 2009, Paul joined the faculty of Redeemer Seminary (daughter school of Westminster) in Dallas, Texas as Professor of Pastoral Life and Care.[1]
Beginning in June, 2006, Paul became the President of Paul Tripp Ministries, a non-profit organization, whose mission statement is "Connecting the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life." In addition to his current role as President of Paul Tripp Ministries, on January 1, 2007, Paul also became part of the pastoral staff at Tenth Presbyterian Church in Philadelphia, PA where he preached every Sunday evening and lead the Ministry to Center City through March, 2011 when he resigned due to the expanding time commitments needed at Paul Tripp Ministries.
Paul, Luella, and their four children moved to Philadelphia in 1987 and have lived there ever since. Paul is a prolific author and has written twelve books on Christian living which are sold internationally. Luella manages a large commercial art gallery in the city and Paul is very dedicated to painting as an avocation.[2] Paul’s driving passion is to help people understand how the gospel of the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ really does speak with practical hope into all the things they will face in this broken world. Paul is a pastor with a pastor’s heart, a gifted speaker, his journey taking him all over the world, an author of numerous books on practical Christian living, and a man who is hopelessly in love with Luella.

Reviews

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I quit reading at about chapter 11 because I found it so discouraging. I gave up the fairytale idea of marriage years ago. It's clearly not "happily ever after." I let go of the impossible dream of Mr. Perfect too. After all, I'm not Miss Perfect, so why would a Mr. Perfect want me? But this was significantly worse than letting go of those impossible dreams because it's a recognition of reality. In the pages of this book, I saw a reflection mirrored back at me of someone so incredibly selfish no one would want to vow to spend the rest of his life with her. So I put the book back on the shelf. And a few months later, when the last shred of hope definitely disappeared, I took it down again. I took it down to find the redemption of the reality -- that God sees the selfishness and the broken dreams and, while He doesn't mend it all and give me happiness neatly tied with a bow, He redeems the brokenness and says "Worship Me. When you know who I am (the one who plans your life, the one who gives good gifts, the one who creatively designs people, the one who gives you a way out of temptation, the one who gives strength when relationships are too hard) and who you are(the needy one, the recipient of My grace) then it's worth it. Then I can make everything beautiful in its time." The person who recommended this book said it was good for lots of relationships, and he's right. You don't need to be married to read it.

[Amanda · Rating 2 out of 5]

Biblically- this book is solid. The main point is that marriages suffer when we fail to worship God as we ought. True.

However- this book was like running a marathon. It literally never ended. There were several instances where I fell asleep reading it- and it wasn't for a lack of good advice. It was a sound book, and I appreciated the instruction but each chapter had 5+ case studies on marriages gone wrong, and what could have been said in a paragraph was said over a whole chapter... there were sentences that I highlighted because they were good, and then as I was highlighting them, I realized, wait. Haven't I already done this? Yes. About a chapter ago, you highlighted the very same sentence.

Good book. Glad I read it. But it would have been better received if it were shorter/not as repetitive... and all the case studies on bad marriages made me feel like I was intruding on something personal and private. Okay, I'm done.

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I started reading What Did You Expect, I did not know what to expect. For someone who doesn't like the typical marriage books that are out there, I found that Tripp's message of getting to the heart to be very refreshing. When I was younger, it would always bother me that typical sermons on marriage, and preparation for marriage centred on the premise that we should be looking for a set of characteristics in the opposite sex, rather than focusing on one's own heart. Marriage problems start inside of me.

Tripp's book structures around a set of 5 commitments, which begin with humility, personal accountability and confession, and then leads to pulling the weeds of our own hearts, taking the beam out of our eyes, and getting read to forgive. All the commitments are based on the grace of God, and God's forgiveness as the standard for forgiving others. This book is not a series of 'steps' so that you will get 'this'; rather, it is written on the premise of God's Amazing Grace, which transcends all our sinful shortcomings, and is the real power to wage war against our sin nature.

I thought that the book might mirror the conference, and it does, but there is sufficiently different, more, and additionally helpful material that it is not a duplication of the conference DVDs. There are a lot of anecdotes that can help you visualize the concrete help that is available in the gospel.

[Jo · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this as a young single because my church is doing a study on it. For me, marriage is still a distant, murky event that may or may not happen to me. Still, this book was extremely good for me to read. As I was reading it, part of me just wanted to close my eyes and howl, "Nooo!" If I had any illusions that marriage would be a walk in the park, this book spoiled them all. Rats. At the same time, it offered hope. I cannot do justice to a description, but I shall list a few themes:

-A good marriage starts with worshiping God properly. We each tend to seek the good of our own little kingdom, and it is not until we begin seeking God's kingdom that we can love others properly.
-Marriage involves a sinner marrying a sinner. Thus, we must display the same sort of grace towards a spouse as God so abundantly showed to us.
-Marriage is only a tool that God uses to bring us into a more true enjoyment of him and his kingdom. When we value this goal, we can enjoy our marriages more.
-Marriage is a series of small choices. It is these daily choices that will set the tone for marriage.
-The reason we can have hope for marriage is because of Christ. It is only when we realize that we have no power to change on our own, and reach out for the grace of God, that a marriage can be changed.

All these points, and many more, are much more eloquently developed in this book. I think the thing I loved most about this book was that it always came back to Christ, and how the cross makes it possible for us to better know God's love for us, and thus love others. This wasn't just a how-to book. It had a firm theological and Scriptural foundation.

You may hesitate to take a recommendation for a marriage book from someone who has, well, never exactly experienced it. At all. However, I can honestly say that the principles laid out rang true for many other types of relationships. I was convicted in many areas of relationships with my family, and I think it would be even more applicable to marriage.

A little quote(s):
"Perhaps one of the most unrecognized sins in marriage is the sin of forgetfulness. When we forget how we have been loved, it becomes even easier to be comfortable with a failure to love others. No one loves better than the person who knows that he desperately needs it himself." (pg 190)

"Every day we are called to lay something down in order to capture an opportunity to love." (pg 250)

[Greg · Rating 5 out of 5]

This must be the definitive Christian marriage book. I could not see why you would ever need to purchase another book on marriage! Perhaps to get a deeper theological understanding, in which case I would recommend, “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas - see my review on facebook here.

In this book Paul Tripp zeros in on the actual causes of problems in marriage. He does not see a crack in a marriage and try to fill it “be nice to your spouse” platitudes, or you must make a promise or vow to change, or any other religious marital crack filler, he actually looks at why there is a crack there in the first place. The reason a wall cracks in a house is because the foundations have shifted, they are no longer where they were designed to be. So it is with our marriages. Covering the cracks in the walls of our houses and painting them with pretty paint might not let anyone else see that there are cracks – but they are still there. We cannot grow and change in our marriages until those foundations are firmed up.

Tripp tells us how to identify where the foundations have shifted. He use the Word of God along with real-life case studies that cover most of the common problems experienced in contemporary marriages, and then he applies the Word again to show the solution. There is no quick fix, there is no easy way out, there is no 5 step formula, there is however a lot of hard (heart) work.

Great marriages become great marriages because the people in them have devoted themselves to working towards having a great marriage, and do the work required to make it happen.

The Narrator – Lloyd James did a good job – he actually sounds a lot like Tripp. He tone did get a bit monotonous towards the end of the marathon 10.75 hours of audio book. The audio book gives a good “eagles eye view” of this 288 page volume, but I think it would be best to have the actual book (or a PDF version) as a reference for working through, and referring back to over and over again.

Bottom line is I totally implore every person to read this book. If you are married, applying what you learn will bring you closer to Christ and to each other, if you are engaged, you can be forewarned of the problems that can exist and start to work on the foundations now. If you are single, this book will help you in looking for a spouse that will complement you and assist you as you strive to live the life for which God created you – to image his glory to all of creation.

[Emily · Rating 1 out of 5]

I didn't finish this book. I returned it to Audible with 6 hours left (about halfway). I'd hung in past feelings of anger and frustration because it had come so highly recommended to me, and I almost NEVER leave a book unfinished! But it was actually, if possible, making my relationship WORSE.

Maybe guilt-tripping works if, as Tripp asserts, all your relationship troubles stem from your own selfishness, sinfulness, and lack of reliance on God. But I don't think that this is the case for 99% of couples in true relationship distress. Don't get me wrong: I think being LESS sinful and selfish will probably help you in EVERY area of life, not the least of which is your intimate relationships. And we can always rely more on God! (Despite pressing this to near suffocation, I never felt like Tripp gave any practical examples of how to do this.)

But I know first-hand that I was wholeheartedly, selflessly loved by my fiance and things still fell apart... because we weren't only SINFUL people when we met, we were deeply BROKEN people.

It has been scientifically proven that intimate relationship distress is one of the most painful experiences you can go through in life. It has also been demonstrated that stability and consistent connection in your intimate relationship is one of the best ways to HEAL persistent and longstanding emotional wounds (see the groundbreaking research of relationship experts like Sue Johnson). I felt that Tripp's approach was utterly compassionless, verging on victim-shaming, toward those actively struggling through a deeply painful experience and obviously seeking help (they're reading his book, aren't they?) I don't know what kind of people he sees in his practice, but I would bet that those reallly experiencing attachment trauma in their relationships don't recover in any long-term way.

If you're actually suffering in your marriage, please know: It's not just you. You are not alone. It's not all your fault. Things can get better. You can have the loving relationship you want, with the person you're with.

Save yourself a lot of unnecessary pain, guilt, and shame, and read "How We Love" by Milan and Kay Yerkovich instead.

[Kara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is easily the best book I’ve read on marriage, especially for couples that have been married for any amount of time. I highly recommend.

[Grace · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book on marriage I have read yet. With two caveats 1) the new 2021 version and 2) that you read it only after you’ve been married. There is so much goodness & wisdom in here that you’ll only get, when you get it. I think some of the puppy love & excitement needs to fade & the reality needs to come out, before this books really hits home. HIGHLY recommend to any who are married. And can see myself rereading it many times in my life.

[Daniel Bouchoc · Rating 4 out of 5]

Summary:
All our problems stem from a heart issue of idolizing our own little kingdom instead of living for God's kingdom. When we idolize our own little kingdom it plays out in a 1000 little ways that overtime hurt our marriages. Rarely do marriages struggle because of a single big issue. The solution is God's transformative grace that brings us to the end of ourselves and our little kingdom so that we can love and serve our spouse. In light of this, Tripp gives 6 commitments for couples to hold to that foster unity, love, and growth.

I will never outgrow my need for a book like this. Convicting on many levels, and inspiring to work on marriage regularly, relying on God's grace.

Critique:
The book is excellent for dealing with relational heart issues in a marriage and gives just about nothing on how gender and gender roles play into navigating life. Dealing with heart issues are the unnegotiable foundation and so I would say this is book #1 for couples. The next step in the process would be to counsel the men as men and the women as women, showing the couple how gender differences and gender roles contribute to the equation. Maybe Tripp intentionally left this out to focus on one aspect, but again, he says nearly nothing about the topic.

[Jessica Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend.

[Catie Witvoet · Rating 4 out of 5]

I actually read the updated version of this book called “Marriage”. Solid biblical principles paired with practical advice.

[Elanor Lawrence · Rating 2 out of 5]

Of all the marriage books I've read-- and there've been a few of them over the past three years-- this was categorically the least helpful.

Tripp's basic message is important: Marriage between two imperfect people is hard. If you're struggling, it's likely the problem isn't always your spouse's fault.

The problem with this message is that it's also kind of obvious. In chapter after chapter, Tripp describes couples who were madly in love during their engagement, convinced that nothing could threaten their love... only to be hit with the realities of marriage and find themselves falling apart. This narrative very quickly gets repetitive, and is also borderline insulting, as it assumes that all engaged people are incredibly naïve and completely unaware of their own (and their spouse's) flaws.

This book may be helpful for anyone who thinks that marriage is going to be easy, but for anyone who already understands how imperfect their spouse is-- and, crucially, how imperfect they are-- this book is one long discouraging rant. While Tripp attempts to be humble by describing some of his own failures in marriage, his tone is largely patronising and long-winded, as he makes the same point over and over again without any clear structure. His points are certainly good, but for someone who is already likely struggling with discouragement in marriage, his tone is unhelpful at best and quite hurtful at worst.

The crucial thing that Tripp doesn't really discuss is that sometimes marriage is just hard, and it's NOT because one of the parties is sinning. In those types of situations, Tripp's book is entirely without grace or support.

For all these reasons, I'd perhaps lend this book to newly engaged couples, or for singles who assume that marriage would solve their problems, but I'd never give this to a friend in a struggling marriage. In that situation, this book would only make things worse.

[Rachelle Cobb · Rating 5 out of 5]

Similar to Sacred Marriage, this is one of those titles that relies on Biblical principles. Full of deep concepts, this is no light read. The chapters, though, aren't that long, so I challenged myself to read one chapter a day, pondering the truths about forgiveness, sacrifice, true love, and how our relationship with God impacts our relationship with our spouse. Perhaps my favorite takeaway was that it is important to confess our sins to each other--and to graciously, kindly, compassionately air our grievances so that bitterness and resentment have no room to grow. My sinful tendency is to be a let-it-go (cue Frozen!) kind of girl who would rather avoid conflict than bring attention to hurts. Tripp advises in his book that this is self-centered and unhealthy. Instead, he provides practical steps on how to peel away unrealistic expectations and build the type of marriage God intended.

[Tiffany Youtzy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book took a WHILE for me to read, but it was worth the work and thought. If you like stories and case studies then this book is for you because Tripp uses lots of counseling examples to fortify his points. I found them to be helpful but not always necessary.
The standout thoughts for me were that a marriage (and any relationship) thrives when we have the proper worship of God in place. If we are worshipping ourselves, desires, or even married someone because they made us feel comfortable or at ease and are mini versions of ourselves, it is all a form of self-worship which is detrimental to our marriages. Keep God and His glory the center, and know that a good marriage will take lots of work. The marriage altar is not the destination point.

[Anna · Rating 3 out of 5]

If it weren't for how repetitive this book is and how exasperating it gets, it would have got a 4 stars. A lot of the "real life scenarios" are quite unnecessary as they're all really quite similar. All in all, it could have been half the length and would have taken us less than a year to read it! ;)

Some good stuff though, with a few good points and good explanation of what it means to "work on a marriage". Overall, I'm glad we read it.

[Loraena · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't love Tripp's style, but the content in this book is excellent.

[Corina Avila · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book on marriage is like no other. It hits you deep with how Paul David Tripp brings the gospel into the nitty-gritty of married life. It's like a punch in the gut—in a good way! Seriously, I've learned more about loving my husband and keeping God at the center of our marriage from this book than anything else out there. Solid 10/10, and I will 100% be reading this book again.

I read the “Marriage” version of this book where Pastor Tripp updated the original book with areas that he felt were initially misunderstood, and common questions.

[Kobe Ardoin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is 5 stars because it has truth every marriage needs to make it to the end! Marriage isn’t respected in our society so this book is very counter cultural in the best way possible!

[Hannah Finley · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best book on marriage I’ve read, based on the principle of discipleship to Jesus first and foremost, which then allows things in a marriage to fall into their proper place. Both full of warnings and hope, Tripp goes through six general commitments every couple/spouse should make and what/how that looks like in real life. Insightful and practical. Definitely recommend!

[Josh Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having read a myriad of marriage books over the years, I started this book somewhat less than enthused about its contents. However, it didn't take long to be pleasantly surprised with the manner in which the author addressed the topic of marriage and the content he filled the book with.

Although this is a somewhat lengthy read for a marriage book (287 pages), I did not find it to be boring or repetitive. The book is broken down into six different commitments of which there are generally two chapters of material to support those commitments. The commitments are as follows:

Commitment 1 - We will give ourselves to a regular lifestyle of confession and forgiveness.
Commitment 2 - We will make growth and change our daily agenda.
Commitment 3 - We will work together to build a sturdy bond of trust.
Commitment 4 - We will commit to building a relationship of love.
Commitment 5 - We will deal with our differences with appreciation and grace.
Commitment 6 - We will work to protect our marriage.

Scattered throughout the book are vignettes of couples which illustrate so aptly the different truths that the author teaches. Intertwined with these six commitments are Scriptural truths and admonitions. As I read the book, I couldn't help but think about the people that would be helped in their marriage with this book and then the Holy Spirit would continue to remind me that I would be helped in my marriage if I would but follow the principles in this book!

This book on marriage is near the top on my list of marriage books to read and recommend. Here are some of the many, many parts I underlined:

"I am persuaded that it is more regular than irregular for couples to get married with unrealistic expectations."

"Unrealistic expectations always lead to disappointment."

"Essential Wisdom Perspectives that Scripture gives us that enable us to have realistic expectation for our marriage:
1 - You are conducting your marriage in a fallen world.
2 - You are a sinner married to a sinner.
3 - God is faithful, powerful, and willing."

"Before you can really gain significant ground in your relationship with your spouse, ground where real, lasting change takes place, you have to be willing to accept and deal with what God says about you, your spouse, your world, and God himself, his purpose, and his grace."

"We are all the same; the character and quality of our life is forged in little moments. Every day we lay little bricks on the foundation of what our life will be...So, you have to view yourself as a marital mason. You are daily on the job adding another layer of bricks that will determine the shape of your marriage for days, weeks, and years to come."

"Accurate diagnosis always precedes effective cure."

"The Bible is God's ultimate measuring instrument...God's Word is one of his sweetest gifts of grace, and open eyes to see it clearly and an open heart to receive it willingly are sure signs of God's grace."

"One of the most tempting fallacies for us - and every human being in this fallen world - is to believe that our greatest problems exist outside us rather than inside us...the Bible calls us to humbly confess that the greatest, deepest, most abiding problem each of us faces is inside, not outside, of us."

"When a husband and wife quit arguing about who is the more righteous and begin to be grieved over their respective sin, you can know for sure that grace has visited their marriage."

"Forgiveness is a vertical commitment that is followed by a horizontal transaction."

"I don't know why we think that the most comprehensive and long-term of all human relationships can stay alive and thrive without the same commitment we make to our gardens."

"Sex is not the fuel of a good relationship; it is the expression or fruit of one."

"A healthy marriage is a healthy marriage because, by God's grace, the people in that marriage never stop working on it!"

[Matthew Kim · Rating 4 out of 5]

TBH this book was quite repetitive in talking about the disparities of marriage and from a certain point of view, paints a pretty bleak view of what's to come in marriage, but I think this book paints a more ACCURATE view of marriage. Often times, for dating and marriage both, I think both parties go into it thinking "yeah there's gonna be trials" but deep down still have expectations of things going well and there be minimal fighting and it not really being that bad. I believe that if there isn't at least some conflict, then one or both parties have just given up and don't care anymore and thus the relationship isn't necessarily God-glorifying. This book talks on that point and shifts the perspective from "how can we serve us through this relationship" to "how can we really serve God through our relationship, even in the trials?"

One of the best dating/marriage books I've read thus far (haven't read too many though). Would recommend to all couples.

[Annie Allred · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.8 stars
As always, Tripp has an amazing and beautiful way of convicting, encouraging, and driving every point back to the hope of the Gospel and of grace.
The only thing I find as a downside with his writings is they tend to be heavily repetitive. There are really only a few major themes/ideas in the near 300 pages of reading. I have to force myself not to skim the paragraphs sometimes. BUT. It’s always worth it to consume the content he puts forth.

[Emma Ferguson · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Worship of God puts us in our place. It teaches us that every good thing in our lives is an underserved gift from the hand of one who is the definition of love and Grace.”

I went into reading this with the perspective that I already had a realistic view of marriage, but a refresher wouldn’t hurt me. I was very very wrong. Got my toes stepped on quite a bit, but it was worth it!

[David Puerto · Rating 4 out of 5]

Es un buen libro. Una súper síntesis: "el problema más grande de mi matrimonio soy yo y el pecado en mi corazón". Le di cuatro estrellas de cinco porque hay muchas ideas repetidas una y otra vez. Además, la edición en español es muy deficiente. Muchos errores ortográficos y tipográficos.

[Mitchell Dixon · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book on marriage I've read. Tripp is fantastic and relaistic. You are a sinner who married a sinner and because of that, you need to daily reply on the grace of Jesus to make your marriage holy. It is only the gospel that has the power to transform.

[Sarah Howard · Rating 5 out of 5]

By far my favorite book on marriage. An antithesis to the book Boundaries perhaps…..while boundaries are good and necessary, this book lays out a biblical plan of grace, love and redemption for marriage.

[Corey Hackett-Greene · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the first book my wife and I picked up after returning from our honeymoon. It was perfect after coming off of the “high” of the wedding and honeymoon.

Keep Jesus first and worship Him daily! It’s the only way to see marriage as He created it to be.

[Ben · Rating 4 out of 5]

My takeaway is that a united and love-filled marriage requires constant self-sacrifice and willingness to be met and transformed by God's grace.

[Deon · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a must read!
Highly Recommend!

[Ryan Jankowski · Rating 3 out of 5]

Supremely anecdotal and superficially formulaic.