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10 Conversations You Need to Have with Your Children
"Why do I have to repeat everything? Why does every conversation end in an argument? "Communicating with our children. Conversing. Connecting. When did it become so difficult? And how do we begin to change it for the better?This book was designed to help parents answer these important questions, and it is based on two fundamental The first is that there are no bad children, and no deliberately bad parents -- but that sometimes, despite the best of intentions on both sides, there can be bad "relationships" between parents and children. The second is that, as parents, we must do everything we can to save those relationships, to reach out and really communicate with our children, because it is only through talking to them that we can create an environment for inspiration and change.In this compelling book, Shmuley Boteach, passionate social commentator and outspoken relationship guru, walks you through the critical conversations, "cherishing childhood; developing intellectual curiosity; knowing who you are and what you want to become; learning to forgive; realizing the importance of family and tradition; being fearless and courageous." As a father of eight, Rabbi Shmuley speaks from a wealth of experience. He has written a book for parents of children of all ages, from toddlers, who are just beginning to become aware of the world around them, to adolescents, who must learn to navigate all sorts of tricky social and academic pressures. "10 Conversations" will help you stay connected to your children so that they develop the kind of strong moral character that leads to rich, meaningful lives.
208 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 1, 2006
38 people are currently reading
274 people want to read
About the author
Shmuley Boteach
46 books69 followersRabbi Shmuley Boteach, named by Talkers Magazine as one of the 100 most important radio hosts in America, is a nationally syndicated talk show host, the international best-selling author of 15 books, and an acclaimed syndicated columnist.
A winner of the London Times highly prestigious "Preacher of the Year" award, Rabbi Shmuley has lectured and appeared in print, radio, and TV all over the globe. His radio show, "Rabbi Shmuley's Passion," airs daily on Bonneville Broadcasting in afternoon drive-time.
He is the author of a number of books, including "Kosher Sex: A Recipe for Passion and Intimacy," "Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments," "Why Can't I Fall in Love," "Judaism for Everyone: Renewing your Life through the Vibrant Lessons of the Jewish Faith," and most recently, "Hating Women: America's Hostile Campaign Against the Fairer Sex." A winner of the annual "preacher of the year" contest sponsored by the Times of London, he was formerly rabbi of Oxford University.
Shmuley—he is known universally by his first name, has marketed himself as a rabbi to the stars and an expert on Jewish attitudes toward relationships and marriage. ("Dr. Ruth with a yarmulke," the Washington Post called him.)
A winner of the London Times highly prestigious "Preacher of the Year" award, Rabbi Shmuley has lectured and appeared in print, radio, and TV all over the globe. His radio show, "Rabbi Shmuley's Passion," airs daily on Bonneville Broadcasting in afternoon drive-time.
He is the author of a number of books, including "Kosher Sex: A Recipe for Passion and Intimacy," "Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments," "Why Can't I Fall in Love," "Judaism for Everyone: Renewing your Life through the Vibrant Lessons of the Jewish Faith," and most recently, "Hating Women: America's Hostile Campaign Against the Fairer Sex." A winner of the annual "preacher of the year" contest sponsored by the Times of London, he was formerly rabbi of Oxford University.
Shmuley—he is known universally by his first name, has marketed himself as a rabbi to the stars and an expert on Jewish attitudes toward relationships and marriage. ("Dr. Ruth with a yarmulke," the Washington Post called him.)
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February 9, 2009
Perhaps this book would have been better titled “109 Excerpts from Lectures I Gave to My Children, Other Relatives, and the Occasional Stranger. “
“10 Conversations” primarily involved Rabbi Boteach relating portions of a wide variety of moral and philosophical lectures (what he calls “conversations”) he has delivered to his children over the years. These “conversations” did involve questions, but almost all of them were rhetorical. “Why X? Why Y? I’ll tell you why X and Y.” Now, this may be a standard and even useful method of teaching, but it’s not really a “conversation.” At one point one of his “conversations” involved him telling his children that they were to listen to him in silence for *twenty* minutes, and then they could speak. It’s an interesting definition of “conversation.” At one point he recounts getting upset with a business man he met with to discuss a project: “In the course of lunch, when we spoke, I could see he wasn’t really listening to me. He was not interested in anything I had to say, and he kept interrupting to talk about himself. That’s not listening.” In the text, the word listening is emphasized in italics almost as if it were being whined. Rabbi Boteach apparently does not like to be interrupted when he is having “conversations.”
As with his book “Kosher Sex,” he finds time to criticize Christianity, but not as much time. He only has one objection to make this time around. He feels like one of the main problems with Christianity is that in the Christian religion, one must “assume that God is always right,” whereas Judaism, he argues, recognizes that it’s “our job” to “make God listen to us.” Well, I suppose that suits him, since he does seem to enjoy making people listen to him. (I’m not entirely sure, in all he says in this section, that he really speaks accurately of either the Christian or Jewish viewpoints.)
I mean no disrespect, but I am not sure the author is aware how he may actually sound to readers when he says some of the things he says. He is obviously a good father and a moral man who has faced the challenge of raising eight children well, and he tells some excellent didactic tales and uses his children and himself for more than one fine exemplum. He stresses the paramount importance of a moral education in a child’s life, and this necessity probably cannot be stressed enough.
“10 Conversations” can be an interesting and enjoyable and informative book if you approach it expecting a random collection of occasionally enlightening and inspirational moral thoughts from a musing rabbi, as well as some general persuasion to convey your own morality to your children, but not if you approach it expecting a really useful parenting guide. As a parenting guide, it is unstructured, somewhat impractical, and narrowly concerned with a single aspect of parenting. It may inspire you to criticize your children less and give them more moral guidance, which is certainly a good thing, but it will not provide you with much in the way of practical advice for particular circumstances and challenges, or even for specific conversations, if that is what you are looking for.
I give the book three stars because it did tell me, personally, what I needed to hear at a particular stage in my struggle to be a decent parent, and it has inspired me to try to improve my interaction with my children and to commit myself and my time to a more positive and productive approach that focuses more on shaping character than on demanding compliance: “the longer short way.” In fact, I’m tempted to round it up to four stars because I tried a version of one of his “conversations” about “Who do you want to be?” on my daughter, and it seemed to have a positive impact on her attitude and behavior. I give the book a decent rating also simply because I tended to agree with his overall moral and philosophical positions (with some notable exceptions*). But I understand why the book has received a few low ratings, and I think it is owing to the (however unintentional) occasionally bombastic tone** of the author.
* As for my points of disagreement, I will address only one here. He devotes an entire chapter to “Honoring the Feminine.” While I agree with quite a bit of what he has to say here, he ultimately seems to be arguing for an opinion I cannot concede: that the feminine is inherently superior to the masculine and that allowing the feminine to overcome the masculine is “messianic progress.” I believe, rather, that the masculine and the feminine are equally valuable and are meant to balance one another, and that we do not need to seek to “feminize” men. (The ideal man, he says, is a “gay man that is attracted to women.”) I think part of his problem here is that he is confusing being masculine with being an ass. But there is nothing un-masculine about considering the feelings of others. I don’t think men need to “get in touch with their feminine” side; rather they need to understand the difference between being masculine and being macho. We should not seek to eradicate the masculine, but to balance it with the feminine. This is one of the primary virtues of marriage: it creates balance in human society. A world that was all feminine would not, in my opinion, be any better than a world that was all masculine.
** As for his tone, I offer two examples. One is when he says he notices at Shabbat dinner that his children are superior to all of the other children around the table. (Okay, he doesn’t really say that. But he vaguely implies it.) Another is when he congratulates himself for treating his Hispanic nanny as a human being, even if she isn’t white and educated like the au pairs who helped him raise his almost perfect children while he was in the UK. (Again, he didn’t really say that, but I could see how one could pick up that impression based on what he does say.) Then (did I say two? I think there’s going to be three examples) there’s the time he upbraids men for putting work as a priority before their children and then, not long after, relates a story in which he goes to visit his kids, who have been away from both parents for two weeks at a camp in the Catskills (by the way, he insists his family is not well off, in case the book tours, television show, au pairs, and camps in the Catskills gave you that false impression), and his eleven-year-old begs him not to leave. He then tells us how he made her feel better with one of his “conversations” (although she did cry and cling to his leg a little) before leaving the 11-year-old in the camp (for who knows how many more weeks) and going back to his work.
“10 Conversations” primarily involved Rabbi Boteach relating portions of a wide variety of moral and philosophical lectures (what he calls “conversations”) he has delivered to his children over the years. These “conversations” did involve questions, but almost all of them were rhetorical. “Why X? Why Y? I’ll tell you why X and Y.” Now, this may be a standard and even useful method of teaching, but it’s not really a “conversation.” At one point one of his “conversations” involved him telling his children that they were to listen to him in silence for *twenty* minutes, and then they could speak. It’s an interesting definition of “conversation.” At one point he recounts getting upset with a business man he met with to discuss a project: “In the course of lunch, when we spoke, I could see he wasn’t really listening to me. He was not interested in anything I had to say, and he kept interrupting to talk about himself. That’s not listening.” In the text, the word listening is emphasized in italics almost as if it were being whined. Rabbi Boteach apparently does not like to be interrupted when he is having “conversations.”
As with his book “Kosher Sex,” he finds time to criticize Christianity, but not as much time. He only has one objection to make this time around. He feels like one of the main problems with Christianity is that in the Christian religion, one must “assume that God is always right,” whereas Judaism, he argues, recognizes that it’s “our job” to “make God listen to us.” Well, I suppose that suits him, since he does seem to enjoy making people listen to him. (I’m not entirely sure, in all he says in this section, that he really speaks accurately of either the Christian or Jewish viewpoints.)
I mean no disrespect, but I am not sure the author is aware how he may actually sound to readers when he says some of the things he says. He is obviously a good father and a moral man who has faced the challenge of raising eight children well, and he tells some excellent didactic tales and uses his children and himself for more than one fine exemplum. He stresses the paramount importance of a moral education in a child’s life, and this necessity probably cannot be stressed enough.
“10 Conversations” can be an interesting and enjoyable and informative book if you approach it expecting a random collection of occasionally enlightening and inspirational moral thoughts from a musing rabbi, as well as some general persuasion to convey your own morality to your children, but not if you approach it expecting a really useful parenting guide. As a parenting guide, it is unstructured, somewhat impractical, and narrowly concerned with a single aspect of parenting. It may inspire you to criticize your children less and give them more moral guidance, which is certainly a good thing, but it will not provide you with much in the way of practical advice for particular circumstances and challenges, or even for specific conversations, if that is what you are looking for.
I give the book three stars because it did tell me, personally, what I needed to hear at a particular stage in my struggle to be a decent parent, and it has inspired me to try to improve my interaction with my children and to commit myself and my time to a more positive and productive approach that focuses more on shaping character than on demanding compliance: “the longer short way.” In fact, I’m tempted to round it up to four stars because I tried a version of one of his “conversations” about “Who do you want to be?” on my daughter, and it seemed to have a positive impact on her attitude and behavior. I give the book a decent rating also simply because I tended to agree with his overall moral and philosophical positions (with some notable exceptions*). But I understand why the book has received a few low ratings, and I think it is owing to the (however unintentional) occasionally bombastic tone** of the author.
* As for my points of disagreement, I will address only one here. He devotes an entire chapter to “Honoring the Feminine.” While I agree with quite a bit of what he has to say here, he ultimately seems to be arguing for an opinion I cannot concede: that the feminine is inherently superior to the masculine and that allowing the feminine to overcome the masculine is “messianic progress.” I believe, rather, that the masculine and the feminine are equally valuable and are meant to balance one another, and that we do not need to seek to “feminize” men. (The ideal man, he says, is a “gay man that is attracted to women.”) I think part of his problem here is that he is confusing being masculine with being an ass. But there is nothing un-masculine about considering the feelings of others. I don’t think men need to “get in touch with their feminine” side; rather they need to understand the difference between being masculine and being macho. We should not seek to eradicate the masculine, but to balance it with the feminine. This is one of the primary virtues of marriage: it creates balance in human society. A world that was all feminine would not, in my opinion, be any better than a world that was all masculine.
** As for his tone, I offer two examples. One is when he says he notices at Shabbat dinner that his children are superior to all of the other children around the table. (Okay, he doesn’t really say that. But he vaguely implies it.) Another is when he congratulates himself for treating his Hispanic nanny as a human being, even if she isn’t white and educated like the au pairs who helped him raise his almost perfect children while he was in the UK. (Again, he didn’t really say that, but I could see how one could pick up that impression based on what he does say.) Then (did I say two? I think there’s going to be three examples) there’s the time he upbraids men for putting work as a priority before their children and then, not long after, relates a story in which he goes to visit his kids, who have been away from both parents for two weeks at a camp in the Catskills (by the way, he insists his family is not well off, in case the book tours, television show, au pairs, and camps in the Catskills gave you that false impression), and his eleven-year-old begs him not to leave. He then tells us how he made her feel better with one of his “conversations” (although she did cry and cling to his leg a little) before leaving the 11-year-old in the camp (for who knows how many more weeks) and going back to his work.
July 19, 2010
Boteach is a rabbi who has written several self help books and had a tv show when this book was written. His ten conversations are the following:
1. The question becomes "who, not what, do you want to be?"
a) Every choice in life is subordinate to the moral choice.
b). Children are a blank slate on which we will do our writing.
c) Being a good person is not a choice we make only when it is convenient. You can never go wrong when you do the right thing.
d)Children have an innate sense of justice.
2. A person who was truly a child first, a person who experienced life as something wonderful and awe-inspiring, takes that with him into adulthood.
a) One of the great secrets of life is that you can control your emotions by controlling your actions.
b) Happiness is a critical component of childhood that keeps children young even when they are adults.
3.Are you intellectually curious?
a) There are plenty of good sources---moral, ethical, religious, spiritual--- but nothing can replace a PARENT.
b) The essence of life is t make ordinary things extraordinary, to make the natural miraculous, and to make the everyday unique.
c) Kids today have lost the capacity to be intrigued by life, partly because they are overstimulated by the make-believe.
d) Everything that happens in your life provides an opportunity for conversation with your children. You just have to teain yourself to see it.
4. Every human being has value, and every human encounter is a fresh chance to let him know it.
a) Your foremost mission in life is to bestow dignity to all of God's creatures.
b) The way to gauge someone's morality is to see how they treat the people they don't need.
5.Women nurture and enhance everything they come in contact with, men most of all.
6. When we forgive, we are doing it first and foremost for ourselves.
a) Anger has become such a pervasive part of growing up today tat it seems to be accepted as a rite of passage; this isa catastrophe.
b) Children will seldom talk to you about the things that hurt them.
7. Far too many families nowadays live together as strangers.
a) The child who knows himself, be it through routine, tradition or faith---is strengthened by that self-knowledge.
8. Love is the force in the universe that brings everything together.
a) You need to show your children what is in your heart.
b)A child who believes in love and feels your love will never be alone.
9. A child who measures his self-worth through grades, popularity and even his position in the Little League team will carry that into adulthood,and his entire life will be colored by skewed, fear-driven values.
10. The place of God is to remind us t be righteous.
a) Kids need to know that there is a moral context tot eh universe.
b)The greatest destroyer of childhood nd of a child
s security is purposelessness.
c) To do the right thing because it is right---that is the essence of the God conversation.
Prologue: 1.There are no bad children and no deliberately bad parents but there can be bad relationships because we do not really communicate with our children. We have to find crrative ways to do so.
Our job as parents is to become a source of knowledge, guidance and inspiration; to help our children craft their own characters and to listen to their own inner voice.
The parent who inspires his children is generally the most successful parent.
There's too much "me", the tone is simplistic, but I learned. Heavily laced with Jewish beliefs and traditions (to the point of criticizing Christianity). He also invades his children's privacy too much.
(The reason why I could not finish Hitchhiker's immediately. I am giving away this book because I think I learned from it already.
1. The question becomes "who, not what, do you want to be?"
a) Every choice in life is subordinate to the moral choice.
b). Children are a blank slate on which we will do our writing.
c) Being a good person is not a choice we make only when it is convenient. You can never go wrong when you do the right thing.
d)Children have an innate sense of justice.
2. A person who was truly a child first, a person who experienced life as something wonderful and awe-inspiring, takes that with him into adulthood.
a) One of the great secrets of life is that you can control your emotions by controlling your actions.
b) Happiness is a critical component of childhood that keeps children young even when they are adults.
3.Are you intellectually curious?
a) There are plenty of good sources---moral, ethical, religious, spiritual--- but nothing can replace a PARENT.
b) The essence of life is t make ordinary things extraordinary, to make the natural miraculous, and to make the everyday unique.
c) Kids today have lost the capacity to be intrigued by life, partly because they are overstimulated by the make-believe.
d) Everything that happens in your life provides an opportunity for conversation with your children. You just have to teain yourself to see it.
4. Every human being has value, and every human encounter is a fresh chance to let him know it.
a) Your foremost mission in life is to bestow dignity to all of God's creatures.
b) The way to gauge someone's morality is to see how they treat the people they don't need.
5.Women nurture and enhance everything they come in contact with, men most of all.
6. When we forgive, we are doing it first and foremost for ourselves.
a) Anger has become such a pervasive part of growing up today tat it seems to be accepted as a rite of passage; this isa catastrophe.
b) Children will seldom talk to you about the things that hurt them.
7. Far too many families nowadays live together as strangers.
a) The child who knows himself, be it through routine, tradition or faith---is strengthened by that self-knowledge.
8. Love is the force in the universe that brings everything together.
a) You need to show your children what is in your heart.
b)A child who believes in love and feels your love will never be alone.
9. A child who measures his self-worth through grades, popularity and even his position in the Little League team will carry that into adulthood,and his entire life will be colored by skewed, fear-driven values.
10. The place of God is to remind us t be righteous.
a) Kids need to know that there is a moral context tot eh universe.
b)The greatest destroyer of childhood nd of a child
s security is purposelessness.
c) To do the right thing because it is right---that is the essence of the God conversation.
Prologue: 1.There are no bad children and no deliberately bad parents but there can be bad relationships because we do not really communicate with our children. We have to find crrative ways to do so.
Our job as parents is to become a source of knowledge, guidance and inspiration; to help our children craft their own characters and to listen to their own inner voice.
The parent who inspires his children is generally the most successful parent.
There's too much "me", the tone is simplistic, but I learned. Heavily laced with Jewish beliefs and traditions (to the point of criticizing Christianity). He also invades his children's privacy too much.
(The reason why I could not finish Hitchhiker's immediately. I am giving away this book because I think I learned from it already.
April 23, 2017
One of the best Jewish parenting books I have read. I don't agree with all of Rabbi Boteach's behavior, but he knows his parenting.
July 7, 2008
How lame was this book? Why didn't an editor intervene at some point and say that this should have been a pamphlet? I thought the book was poorly and hastily written, the conversation ideas obvious, and the examples barely okay. The whole family seems arrogant to me. What a strange style in which to write a book: "What I say to my kids is..." "What I say to my kids is..." "What I say to my kids is..." on and on. I could not read most of it.
Read
October 30, 2007how about
ten conversations you need to have with your parents.
i'll summarize:
leave me the fuck alone!!!
ten conversations you need to have with your parents.
i'll summarize:
leave me the fuck alone!!!
March 11, 2011
This was an excellent book. I don't usually read self help books, but this one was short and to the point. I think every parent should read this especially if you want your children to become people of good character. Even though it is written by a jewish rabi, it is intended for parents of all religions. I liked it so much I need to get my own copy!
August 20, 2010
Overall I liked the book and found some interesting ideas in it. But I did find that his way of talking to his kids was not something that would sit naturally with me. Not a whole lot of practical advice in the book and some of the examples seemd a little contrived.
December 8, 2016
The theme of this book was about helping your children find their own values, it was sad that Boteach spent so much time attempting to impose his values as the right values to have... His critique of his tidiness exemplified this – Does he not know that untidiness is a symptom of creativeness?
Anyway otherwise the book was filled with good solid advice on how to nurture good relationships with your children. The trick with all advice is having the self discipline to follow it. The knowledge is kind of obvious (or seems so), the trick is doing it and doing it consistently. Worth a read even if it is just as an exercise in reflection. I suspect the references to Judaism will grate some people, but I was comfortable with them. I think Boteach liberal strand of Judaism comes through.
Anyway otherwise the book was filled with good solid advice on how to nurture good relationships with your children. The trick with all advice is having the self discipline to follow it. The knowledge is kind of obvious (or seems so), the trick is doing it and doing it consistently. Worth a read even if it is just as an exercise in reflection. I suspect the references to Judaism will grate some people, but I was comfortable with them. I think Boteach liberal strand of Judaism comes through.
August 24, 2017
One of the most inspiring yet simple books about parenting I've read. I've already put 2 of the conversations into action with my family and in only 1 day have seen some dramatic results. I will now always use this phrase when dealing with my sons actions that cause my disappointment: "it's not what you want to be when you grow up... It's who you want to be when you grow up."
May 13, 2025
Mostly decent advice on important topics and ways to approach them with your kids. Nothing especially unique or ground-breaking, but solid advice. At times a bit heavy on gender roles. It's written by a rabbi, so religion is to be expected, but the last chapter about god goes a bit off the rails.
June 17, 2017
I didn't agree with all that was written, but there are a handful of good parenting "nuggets" in there.
February 27, 2020
Outstanding perspective. Needed the reminders to slow down, listen and look at my children. Would recommend 💯
December 27, 2024
Very short read with simple parable style examples when talking with children.
This is very religious based without a lot research based studies, but some things in life are timeless reminders.
This is very religious based without a lot research based studies, but some things in life are timeless reminders.
January 30, 2019
There are ideas in this book that make it really worthwhile. But there must be other books that discuss these same concepts in a more enjoyable way. One reviewer said this should be titled something like “100 lectures I gave my kids” and I agree. I almost feel sorry for these kids who are sermonized to regularly – there are ways to teach these things without so much lecturing - and overall I didn’t enjoy reading those parts. I did appreciate the religious basis for much of what he says. And I mean religious (as opposed to dogmatic). He refers to cherished literature and age-old traditions that hold true wisdom for living today. Here’s my summary of ideas I think I will carry forward:
- Don’t ask kids “what do you want to be” ask them “who do you want to be” I love this. “Work on motivating your child to hear that inner voice, the voice of conscience, you will inspire him to become a better person. There is simply no greater motivator than to have a child develop a commitment to himself, to who he wants to be, rather than to his parents who are telling him what he should be. When misbehaving, a child should never be made to feel as if he has betrayed his parents or his teachers; it is much more effective if he feels he has betrayed himself.” Pg 33
- Grades don’t matter. What matters is whether a child is intellectually curious. This curiosity is what makes each day extraordinary. Curiosity for other people is what makes relationships grow.
- Bestow dignity. Boteach says that “your foremost mission in life is to confer dignity on all of God’s creatures.” Dignity being: making people feel special, that they truly matter. This is a new idea for me to think on, I’ve never thought about showing love in terms of dignity, but it is obvious to me now that those go hand in hand.
- Honoring the feminine. “If someone were to ask me to sum up the Jewish religion in a single sentence, I would say ‘Judaisim is the cultivation of the feminine.’” What an interesting idea! Cultivation of all of the tender, caregiving, connecting, life-giving aspects of a person. Certainly every person is a blend of feminine and masculine characteristics, and he says religion is about cultivating the more feminine (or I had rather say “yin”) part of ourselves.
- Forgiviness. “One of the basic truths about forgiveness: When we forgive, we are doing it first and foremost for ourselves.”
- Fear vs caution. “Fear is a hysterical response to an imagined threat; caution is a calculated response to a real danger.” I love it. I am already teaching my children the difference. Fear and anxiety take away our power. Caution empowers and allows us to use our frontal lobes instead of our “reptile brain.”
- God and doing the right thing. “You must always have a real and honest relationship with God, and part of that relationship gives you the right to be angry when He allows bad things to happen. We may not know the answers, and we may never know the answers, but we have a right to object to God’s actions because God himself expects it. After all, He commands us to stand up for life, and that applies even when He has taken that life.” I love this idea. That we hold God accountable for the awful things He permits that go against what He has written on our hearts, and then WE DEMAND BETTER OF HIM, and WE FORGIVE HIM (see forgiveness, above) and move forward, with praise for the good. Rabbi Boteach spoke to me when he said that when we explain tragedies to children in a religious context “We’re not going to suddenly say, ‘This is God’s plan. It’s for the best. Those four kids [He let die in the fire] were special souls and God wanted them in heaven.’ That’s patronizing, and an insult to the child’s intelligence. It’s about as convincing as the Tooth Fairy.” Amen. The solution he offers is imperfect to me, but at least another option of how to talk about tragedies. All this makes me want to re-read the Book of Job.
- To quote from pg 191: This story of Rabbi Zusya of Anipoli, who began to cry as he lay on his deathbed. Many of his devoted students were gathered around him, and they asked him what had brought forth his tears. “I’m afraid of what I’ll tell God when I see him,” he answered. “You see, when God asks me, ‘Zusya, why weren’t you as great as Abraham?’ I’ll answer, ‘Lord, you did not make me Abraham,’ and when God asks “Then why weren’t you as great as Moses,’ I’ll answer, ‘Lord, you did not make me Moses.’ But when He asks me, ‘Zusya, why weren’t you as great as Zusya could have been?’ I will have nothing to answer.”
- Don’t ask kids “what do you want to be” ask them “who do you want to be” I love this. “Work on motivating your child to hear that inner voice, the voice of conscience, you will inspire him to become a better person. There is simply no greater motivator than to have a child develop a commitment to himself, to who he wants to be, rather than to his parents who are telling him what he should be. When misbehaving, a child should never be made to feel as if he has betrayed his parents or his teachers; it is much more effective if he feels he has betrayed himself.” Pg 33
- Grades don’t matter. What matters is whether a child is intellectually curious. This curiosity is what makes each day extraordinary. Curiosity for other people is what makes relationships grow.
- Bestow dignity. Boteach says that “your foremost mission in life is to confer dignity on all of God’s creatures.” Dignity being: making people feel special, that they truly matter. This is a new idea for me to think on, I’ve never thought about showing love in terms of dignity, but it is obvious to me now that those go hand in hand.
- Honoring the feminine. “If someone were to ask me to sum up the Jewish religion in a single sentence, I would say ‘Judaisim is the cultivation of the feminine.’” What an interesting idea! Cultivation of all of the tender, caregiving, connecting, life-giving aspects of a person. Certainly every person is a blend of feminine and masculine characteristics, and he says religion is about cultivating the more feminine (or I had rather say “yin”) part of ourselves.
- Forgiviness. “One of the basic truths about forgiveness: When we forgive, we are doing it first and foremost for ourselves.”
- Fear vs caution. “Fear is a hysterical response to an imagined threat; caution is a calculated response to a real danger.” I love it. I am already teaching my children the difference. Fear and anxiety take away our power. Caution empowers and allows us to use our frontal lobes instead of our “reptile brain.”
- God and doing the right thing. “You must always have a real and honest relationship with God, and part of that relationship gives you the right to be angry when He allows bad things to happen. We may not know the answers, and we may never know the answers, but we have a right to object to God’s actions because God himself expects it. After all, He commands us to stand up for life, and that applies even when He has taken that life.” I love this idea. That we hold God accountable for the awful things He permits that go against what He has written on our hearts, and then WE DEMAND BETTER OF HIM, and WE FORGIVE HIM (see forgiveness, above) and move forward, with praise for the good. Rabbi Boteach spoke to me when he said that when we explain tragedies to children in a religious context “We’re not going to suddenly say, ‘This is God’s plan. It’s for the best. Those four kids [He let die in the fire] were special souls and God wanted them in heaven.’ That’s patronizing, and an insult to the child’s intelligence. It’s about as convincing as the Tooth Fairy.” Amen. The solution he offers is imperfect to me, but at least another option of how to talk about tragedies. All this makes me want to re-read the Book of Job.
- To quote from pg 191: This story of Rabbi Zusya of Anipoli, who began to cry as he lay on his deathbed. Many of his devoted students were gathered around him, and they asked him what had brought forth his tears. “I’m afraid of what I’ll tell God when I see him,” he answered. “You see, when God asks me, ‘Zusya, why weren’t you as great as Abraham?’ I’ll answer, ‘Lord, you did not make me Abraham,’ and when God asks “Then why weren’t you as great as Moses,’ I’ll answer, ‘Lord, you did not make me Moses.’ But when He asks me, ‘Zusya, why weren’t you as great as Zusya could have been?’ I will have nothing to answer.”
January 4, 2015
I liked the premise of this book, and that's why I picked it up--what did this author think are the 10 most important conversations to have with your kids. The author has much experience to draw on, what with being a parent and a family counselor. It's nice to read how he interacts with his own children. I agree wholeheartedly with most of his main points:
-help your child(ren) differentiate between social pressure and internal will,
-"the easy choice is seldom the right choice",
-"what kind of a person do you want to be?",
-help them have a happy childhood and live in the moment,
-don't let others determine your own self-esteem
-encourage intellectual curiosity
-bring them out of their virtual world because "life itself is exciting"
-"learn to be satisfied"
-every human being has dignity
-no one should be made to feel inferior
-forgiveness, family, tradition, love
-fear may mean you're feeling alone
-each person must decide his/her own value
-"do the right thing because it is right."
There are a few times I feel like the author veered off course: in the "Honoring the Feminine" chapter, he tends to generalize about women ("it is the wife how brings peacefulness into the home. It is the wife who cures the brokenness of the American male.") It seemed like he was overcompensating for some prior denigration of women he might have come out with at some earlier time.
The biggest problem I had was with the mythology chapter he titled "God". While I appreciate his viewpoint that Jewish people are encouraged to challenge their god and that they "have a right to demand justice from God", I can't imagine telling my son that "God controls the world". The random things that happen in our own lives, not to mention in the world at large, clearly show that no being is in control. Instead of having a god's approval determine our actions, we teach our son to "do the right thing because it is right." WE are the moral authority in our universe, WE are responsible for our actions, and we will have to live, and die, knowing that.
Growing up answering to the Catholic version of god, and my own earthly father, as the highest authorities in my life, I still don't do things under the auspices of pleasing either of them. I am nice, I am kind, I help other people. Some might argue that my father and the church's god instilled that in me, but I see it as a basic part of humanity.
-help your child(ren) differentiate between social pressure and internal will,
-"the easy choice is seldom the right choice",
-"what kind of a person do you want to be?",
-help them have a happy childhood and live in the moment,
-don't let others determine your own self-esteem
-encourage intellectual curiosity
-bring them out of their virtual world because "life itself is exciting"
-"learn to be satisfied"
-every human being has dignity
-no one should be made to feel inferior
-forgiveness, family, tradition, love
-fear may mean you're feeling alone
-each person must decide his/her own value
-"do the right thing because it is right."
There are a few times I feel like the author veered off course: in the "Honoring the Feminine" chapter, he tends to generalize about women ("it is the wife how brings peacefulness into the home. It is the wife who cures the brokenness of the American male.") It seemed like he was overcompensating for some prior denigration of women he might have come out with at some earlier time.
The biggest problem I had was with the mythology chapter he titled "God". While I appreciate his viewpoint that Jewish people are encouraged to challenge their god and that they "have a right to demand justice from God", I can't imagine telling my son that "God controls the world". The random things that happen in our own lives, not to mention in the world at large, clearly show that no being is in control. Instead of having a god's approval determine our actions, we teach our son to "do the right thing because it is right." WE are the moral authority in our universe, WE are responsible for our actions, and we will have to live, and die, knowing that.
Growing up answering to the Catholic version of god, and my own earthly father, as the highest authorities in my life, I still don't do things under the auspices of pleasing either of them. I am nice, I am kind, I help other people. Some might argue that my father and the church's god instilled that in me, but I see it as a basic part of humanity.
March 20, 2009
Everyone who has - or works with - children should read this book. The chapters include:
Prologue: Why can't I get my child to listen? Why do I have to repeat everything? Why does every conversation end in an argument?
1. On Becoming a Person: The question becomes, "Who, not what, do you want to be?"
2. Childhood and Happiness: A person who was truly a child first, a person who experienced life as something wonderful and awe-inspiring, takes that with him into adulthood.
3. Knowledge and Inspiration: To me, the truly important question is this: "Are you intellectually curious?"
4. Bestowing Dignity: Every human being has value, and every human encounter is a fresh chance to let him know it.
5. Honoring the Feminine: Women nurture and enhance everything they come into contact with, men most of all.
6. Forgiveness: A child needs to understand one of the basic truths of forgiveness: When we forgive, we are doing it first and foremost for ourselves.
7. Family and Tradition: Far too many families nowadays live togetehr as strangers.
8 Love: Love is the force int he univers that brings everything together; hate drives everything apart. Love is the gravity that unites us; hate the antigravity that rips us asunder.
9. Fear: A child who measures his self-worth through grades, popularity, and even his position on the Little League team will carry that into adulthood, and his entire life will be colored by skewed, fear-driven values.
10. God: The place of God in our life is to always remind us of hte moral question. God demands righteousness.
Rabbi Boteach shares a lot of wisdom and insight from not only his experiences as a parent, but as an Orthodox Jewish rabbi who has his own TV show, "Shalom in the Home." While I don't share all of his religious beliefs, I still found them very interesting.
I think this book should be sent to all parents on their child's second birthday...before then, you might not be as likely to read it, I think! ;) I do think it should be required reading for all parents - the sooner, the better!
I
Prologue: Why can't I get my child to listen? Why do I have to repeat everything? Why does every conversation end in an argument?
1. On Becoming a Person: The question becomes, "Who, not what, do you want to be?"
2. Childhood and Happiness: A person who was truly a child first, a person who experienced life as something wonderful and awe-inspiring, takes that with him into adulthood.
3. Knowledge and Inspiration: To me, the truly important question is this: "Are you intellectually curious?"
4. Bestowing Dignity: Every human being has value, and every human encounter is a fresh chance to let him know it.
5. Honoring the Feminine: Women nurture and enhance everything they come into contact with, men most of all.
6. Forgiveness: A child needs to understand one of the basic truths of forgiveness: When we forgive, we are doing it first and foremost for ourselves.
7. Family and Tradition: Far too many families nowadays live togetehr as strangers.
8 Love: Love is the force int he univers that brings everything together; hate drives everything apart. Love is the gravity that unites us; hate the antigravity that rips us asunder.
9. Fear: A child who measures his self-worth through grades, popularity, and even his position on the Little League team will carry that into adulthood, and his entire life will be colored by skewed, fear-driven values.
10. God: The place of God in our life is to always remind us of hte moral question. God demands righteousness.
Rabbi Boteach shares a lot of wisdom and insight from not only his experiences as a parent, but as an Orthodox Jewish rabbi who has his own TV show, "Shalom in the Home." While I don't share all of his religious beliefs, I still found them very interesting.
I think this book should be sent to all parents on their child's second birthday...before then, you might not be as likely to read it, I think! ;) I do think it should be required reading for all parents - the sooner, the better!
I
January 4, 2014
I thoroughly enjoyed the chapter entitled Honoring the Feminine. The parallel analysis between Rene Descartes and Benedict de Spinoza's philosophies and how they collectively relate to the teachings of the Kabbalah was insightful. Additionally, I really like this statement: "These two aspects of God - the linear [male] and the circular [female] are also said to represent the spiritual origins of men and women." Common sense, probably; however, it was a great reminder of life's duality (yin and yang attributes).
The chapter that I probably reference the most in my daily life is the chapter on love. The author's opening quote summarizes the chapter core content: "Love is the force in the universe that brings everything together; hate drives everything apart. Love is the gravity that unites us; hate the antigravity that rips us asunder." The whole chapter is built around that teaching.
Overall, this is a great read, and I found that many of the 'parenting lessons' transfer into other interpersonal situations e.g. work, coaching, teams etc. In the author's own words: "And always remember: Words that emanate from the heart penetrate the heart." Powerful food for insight for parents and nonparents alike.
The chapter that I probably reference the most in my daily life is the chapter on love. The author's opening quote summarizes the chapter core content: "Love is the force in the universe that brings everything together; hate drives everything apart. Love is the gravity that unites us; hate the antigravity that rips us asunder." The whole chapter is built around that teaching.
Overall, this is a great read, and I found that many of the 'parenting lessons' transfer into other interpersonal situations e.g. work, coaching, teams etc. In the author's own words: "And always remember: Words that emanate from the heart penetrate the heart." Powerful food for insight for parents and nonparents alike.
June 10, 2010
I was really excited about this book for the first 100 pages or so & then I'm not sure what happened. I found Rabbi Boteach to be very passionate about what he believes in & I can see how some may find this to be arrogant or preachy. He has a passion for people & knowledge and honestly feels like he has a job to do with raising his children to be good people. I think if more parents had even half his passion & sense of responsibility for their own children the world would be a much better place. It takes an incredible amount of maturity & perseverance to rise above your own upbringing & try to do right (or at least better) with your own children. I was expecting more of a how to book & it was really just examples of conversation Rabbi Boteach has had with his children. Some of it was a little hard to relate to as I'm not Jewish or even religious in the traditional sense. The book has given me a few more ideas of what I'd like to instil in my child & now I have to do the work in figuring out how to deliver it.
March 25, 2011
I enjoyed this very short book if only because many of these "conversations" are principles that match my own approach and belief structure. I have seen other reviewers dismiss the book because it offers very little in terms of practical application or advice. However, I find that to be a redeeming quality. Anyone who is a parent knows it isn't a step by step process and would be rightly suspicious of someone trying to sell it as such. Instead, the author illustrates overarching themes to be repeated and revisited throughout a lifetime. I find the themes to be highly applicable and correctly targeted. Above all, he teaches that parents must respect their children's ability to make choices android nurture that in them because we have only precious little time to influence them.
November 9, 2010
Interesting insight. His 10 conversations are:
1. Who, not what, do you want to be? A good person, or a bad person?
2. A person who is a child first, will carry that with them into adulthood.
3. Are you intellectually curious?
4. Your foremost mission in life is to confer dignity on all of God's creatures.
5. The importance of honoring the feminine.
6. Forgiveness: when we do it, we are first and foremost doing it for ourselves.
7. Far too many families live together as strangers.
8. Love is the force in the universe that holds everything together.
9. Do not allow your life to be driven by fear.
10. The place of God in our lives is to remind us to be righteous.
1. Who, not what, do you want to be? A good person, or a bad person?
2. A person who is a child first, will carry that with them into adulthood.
3. Are you intellectually curious?
4. Your foremost mission in life is to confer dignity on all of God's creatures.
5. The importance of honoring the feminine.
6. Forgiveness: when we do it, we are first and foremost doing it for ourselves.
7. Far too many families live together as strangers.
8. Love is the force in the universe that holds everything together.
9. Do not allow your life to be driven by fear.
10. The place of God in our lives is to remind us to be righteous.
December 31, 2010
The conversations aren't anything earth shattering. They are things like, do you want to be a good person or a bad person?, the importance of curiosity, and honoring women.
While reading this book I constantly found myself bringing it up in conversations with friends. For any Leadership Education friends out there, this is an excellent guide for core phase discussions. I took lots of notes, and just might have to own this one someday.
Unfortunately it ended on an off note since the last chapter is about God, and being Jewish, Boteach's views are different than mine. I ended up skimming most of the last chapter.
While reading this book I constantly found myself bringing it up in conversations with friends. For any Leadership Education friends out there, this is an excellent guide for core phase discussions. I took lots of notes, and just might have to own this one someday.
Unfortunately it ended on an off note since the last chapter is about God, and being Jewish, Boteach's views are different than mine. I ended up skimming most of the last chapter.
May 23, 2015
This was a quick read full of great information. I loved how "simple" his conversations are, but it's not to be taken lightly. It takes work and thought to have these types of conversations with your kids. I think it's so valuable to include children in adult conversations so that they have an arsenal of information to give them confidence and self worth as they go through life. Although I don't think I'm there yet with my young toddlers, I look forward to having these types of conversations with my kids one day.
April 1, 2008
So maybe two stars is a little harsh. There was much that was good about this book, but I still can't say I liked it. Maybe because my kids are young. I love the idea of teaching my children to follow their OWN instinct to do what's right. I just didn't find much practical advice on HOW to have these conversations. I also disagreed with a few of the concepts in the book. Somewhat interesting, but not a fabulous read.
November 12, 2009
I read up to page 110 and talked my husband into buying the book from Amazon. I knew it was a must buy book after I read the first chapter. I instituted the first solution into my families life and it worked. I want to continue to grow and study this book. I recommend it to all parents and to all grandparents as well. I'd even recommend it to all couples that are expecting children. Buy it! Own it! Learn from it!
March 29, 2012
This book was about inspiring your kids. About how kids and their parents should be asking not what do you want to be, but who? What kind of person do you want to be. Offers some examples, but no real techniques. Many might have trouble getting through this because of the religious bend. And I've read some of these help books from the Christian side, so it was interesting to read this based on Jewish teachings.
February 2, 2016
I found this preachy. The author insists on how he really engages and listens to his children, but somehow in the midst of all this engaging and listening, he does manage to recite quite a few little lectures he has given them as well. I thought I'd be able to relate to this much more than I did, and there were some messages that were interesting...like the concept that our role in life is to confer dignity on others. But the way it is communicated, it was hard to absorb uncritically.
February 1, 2013
The author describes ten different conversations that we need to have with our children in order to do the parenting job we are called to do. They are:
1. On becoming a person
2. Childhood and happiness
3. Knowledge and inspiration
4. Bestowing dignity
5. Honoring the feminine
6. Forgiveness
7. Family and Tradition
8. Love
9. Fear
10. God
The book was an excellent reminder to keep having conversations with our children to equip them to handle life and develop character.
1. On becoming a person
2. Childhood and happiness
3. Knowledge and inspiration
4. Bestowing dignity
5. Honoring the feminine
6. Forgiveness
7. Family and Tradition
8. Love
9. Fear
10. God
The book was an excellent reminder to keep having conversations with our children to equip them to handle life and develop character.
September 22, 2011
Interesting idea, religious, but I ended up skimming the last few chapters. Good ideas about talking to kids about moral issues, being a good person, how some actions represent the opposite, etc. Good stories about experiences with his kids, but after reading info on him online I was turned off that he was self promoting, etc.
July 17, 2012
Thoughtful book of conversations to inspire rather than direct:1) what type of person do you want to be?2) help make childhood good and long3) curiosity > grades4) bestow dignity to others5) honor parents and teachers6) forgive7) family and tradition8) know you're loved9) fear can be overcome10) God and morality
April 8, 2013
يقوم الكتاب على فكرتين أساسيتين: الفكرة الأولى هي أنه لا وجود لأطفال سيئين, كما أنه لا يوجد آباء يتعمدون أن يكونوا سيئين. المشكل أنه في بعض الأحيان, و بالرغم من حسن نوايا الطرفين, تسوء العلاقة بين الآباء و أبنائهم. الفكرة الثانية هي أننا كآباء يجب علينا القيام بكل ما في وسعنا للحفاظ على هذه العلاقة سليمة. و لن نصل إلى ذلك إذا لم نتحاور معهم و نبني البيئة المناسبة للإبداع و التغيير.
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