Getting Together: Building Relationships As We Negotiate

by Roger Fisher, Scott Brown

Expanding on the principles, insights, and wisdom that made Getting to Yes a worldwide bestseller, Roger Fisher and Scott Brown offer a straightforward approach to creating relationships that can deal with difficulties as they arise. Getting Together takes you step-by-step through initiating, negotiating, and sustaining enduring relationships -- in business, in government, between friends, and in the family.

Genres: Business, Nonfiction, Communication, Psychology, Relationships, Self Help, Management

216 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1988

About the author

Roger D. Fisher was Samuel Williston Professor of Law at Harvard Law School and director of the Harvard Negotiation Project.

Reviews

[Christina Mercado · Rating 3 out of 5]

Have you ever had to work with someone that you couldn't stand? Maybe this book can help! Though the advice given is common sense, I liked the use of a framework with which one can analyze a troublesome relationship, and dissect where things went wrong.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

First off, I do NOT recommend the audiobook version of this because I felt I only heard 20% of the book. The narrator’s voice was robotic and I found my mind wandering A LOT. I persevered though hoping to glean some new information...

However, as the book states several times, their information is just organized common sense. It truly was. I may be opinionated but I’m not an argumentative person, so this book wasn’t really helpful to me.

That being said, I believe this book is still relevant after 30 years. I also believe this should be yearly required reading for politicians with a written exam afterwards, because apparently selfishness continues to overpower common sense.

[Kevin Stecyk · Rating 5 out of 5]

Solid Book on Negotiation

During the past few years, I have read several books on negotiation. As a result, I was already familiar with most, if not all, of this book’s content. Even so, it was a good refresher.

If others are new to studying negotiation, they may find this book more valuable than I did.

This book makes references to developments back in the 1980s. While those references may be stale, the content remains relevant today.

[Jim · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was okay. Didn’t finish, just too little that isn’t popularly known. Not especially well written.

[Aigul · Rating 4 out of 5]

Practical and wise

[Xavier Shay · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good to marinate in but not sure what new thing specifically I learned.

Be "unconditionally constructive."

Not available as ebook :(

[Ash Ryan · Rating 4 out of 5]

A principled approach to unconditionally constructive negotiating[return][return]In Getting to Yes, Roger Fisher and his co-authors at the Harvard Negotiation Project advised us to separate the people from the problem, i.e. relationship issues from substantive ones, during a negotiation, then focused largely on dealing with the substantive ones. In this follow up, they tackle the people issues that arise when negotiating. They build on the principled, win-win approach pioneered in their earlier work, this time focusing on using negotiation as a means to fostering stronger relationships instead of harming them with a win-lose mentality that either dominates without regard for the other's interests or gives in for the sake of keeping the peace. The authors argue that even though we can't always change how others respond, we can control our own behavior to be unconditionally constructive by always acting on the principles they advance.[return][return]These include: keeping reason rather than emotion firmly in the driver's seat (Rationality); making the effort to learn where someone else is coming from (Understanding); always consulting those who will be significantly affected by a decision before making it, and actually taking their feedback into account (Communication); not being overly trusting, but impeccably trustworthy (Reliability); dealing with others using persuasive rather than coercive tactics (Persuasion); recognizing the other's right to differ without necessarily approving of their position (Acceptance).[return][return]Each of these principles is helpfully developed in its own chapter and illustrated through examples from a variety of situations, from the personal to dealing with colleagues, to higher stakes business negotiations all the way up to international relations (though some of these latter examples with the Soviet Union feel a bit dated). A final chapter ties them all together, showing how each principle relates to the others so that they form an integrated whole (e.g., failing to consult someone whom a decision will impact will tend to make him feel coerced rather than persuaded.) Even the appendix is interesting, discussing how the tit-for-tat strategy in game theory relates to their principles, and showing how the prisoner's dilemma does not apply to them because it is always in your interest to be unconditionally constructive in the ways they advocate. There is some real meat to chew on here, making this a great supplement to their earlier books. Also check out William Ury's more recent The Power of a Positive No.[return][return]http://www.amazon.com/review/R17PQH3S...

[Greg Talbot · Rating 5 out of 5]

" A relationship is more like a garden; it is constantly changing. It needs regular attention or it wil go to seed. Demonstrating acceptance of the other is both an initial act and a continuing requirement." (p.169)

Having already written the blueprint for negogiation management (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/3...), their book "Getting Together" is the fundamentals of establishing and maintaing a substantive relationship. A strategy for relationship health is as important as any other strategy. That might sound, cold, or calculating, but it's the awareness to our actions that can improve the situtation for both parties. We want good outcomes from relationships, and we want a sense of inner peace.

What is argued for a good relationship is interesting: it's not approval, it's not trust, it's not shared values or even reciprocity. Those things, ironically can be hindrances. Instead what we are looking for is to be unconditionally constructive. The magnified glass is firmly on us. How do we respect the other person. Can we trust a person's reliability, even if we can't trust them? How can we communicate in a way that is active,and has us probbing with deeper questions? Like good therapy, it's getting control of a situation by owning our pieces of it. Our emotional awareness, our commitment to shared goals, our ability to honor goal even if don't honor the person.

Besides being constructive, the ability to separate process from results. A good relationship will focus on both. When we have a strategy, we don't react to relationships in the same way. Again taking that agency puts us in the driver's seat to be rational and emotional in a more honest way. Awareness of the barriers, and the mis-steps that many of us fall into, demonstrate just how universal these principles are.

This is a mature, thought-provoking book about how to meet our goals and build relationships
where we grab responsibility for the results and parties effectiveness. The wisdom hits at some deep truths of what it means to be in a relationship. Behave as if we care- and we will we are likely to change our relationship to everything we care about.

[Jordan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good but not great. Fisher and Brown have many good examples of where being unconditionally constructive works along with the supporting logic. Where they fail in my view is that they seem to unconditionally apply this unconditionally constructive approach to far too many cases. They criticize Reagan for pulling of out arms control commitments after the Soviets breached theirs, claiming that the U.S. would have been more reliable had they maintained those commitments. This is equivalent to allowing someone to repeatedly punch you in the face while you stand there and take it, hoping to learn something about the puncher. Fisher and Brown are correct on many examples, but they get the U.S.-Soviet relationship completely wrong. Much of it was written as if the U.S. and the Soviet Union had many mutual interests, when really the only important common interest was avoiding war. The two countries had fundamentally different core interests and were in direct opposition to each other in many respects, as they should have been. Reagan's posture ultimately led to the collapse of the Soviet Union, possibly to the dismay of Fisher and Brown.

There was also an annoying moral equivalency portrayed throughout the book between the U.S. and the Soviet Union. I understand that part of the book emphasizes the importance of understanding how your negotiating partner perceives you, but the tone of these examples was not simply instructional, but rather seemed to contain a lot of unnecessary contempt for the Reagan administration. Yes, there are more cases than most would anticipate where being unconditionally constructive (particularly in approach, less so in actions) is wise, but don't over-apply these learnings as that would be dangerous and destructive in places.

[Kristy Venable · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love the concept of negotiations that are "unconditionally constructive." The focus is on separating the substantive issue (what you want) from the process (how you negotiate and your relationship with the other person) so that you can strengthen relationships even through disagreement. Good stuff and much of it applicable to everyday situations. A few of the examples are a little boring, as they describe specific international negotiations.

[Colleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an excellent little primer on how to create value in negotiations and come out ahead even if it goes poorly. Reading it now, the examples are very dated but there's still a lot to learn from them.

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed parts of this. Most of the information did not apply to me, but still it made me think. Let's face it, I like the answer "yes".

[Ryan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very practical, very concise, very good. Highly recommended.

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book

[Chris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Will review series in the “Power of a Positive No.”

[Jameyanne Fuller · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this up to add some negotiation theory to my final paper for the negotiations workshop I'm taking this semester. I meant to only read the chapters that seemed relevant, but I ended up breezing through the whole book. I found it very readable, perhaps too much like common sense, but on the whole very interesting. I liked how the theory was framed around U.S.-Soviet relations during the Cold War, as well as other international deals. That made everything the authors were talking about feel much more real, and even if it is common sense, here's a real world example of how wrong things can go when negotiators don't follow these principles.