Jonathan L. Howard's Blog, page 21

Wed, 13:01 : I've never seen footage of the (former) BBC TV Centre that so made me expect Thunderbird 3 to launch from it: http://t.co/1n5EozRW Wed, 13:14 : Bugger. Been fermenting an idea for a novel for a few years, but I think I may have been pre-empted. Bugger, bugger, bugger. Wed, 16:50 : With regards to the book that's a bit similar to an idea of mine, turns out they're not so close. Wed, 16:53 : Plus, the problematical novel in question contains a paragraph long steal from elsewhere without attribution, so screw 'em. Wed, 17:11 : I think we've all visited estate agency sites to look at mansions and decide where the Batcave entrance should be, haven't we? No? Oh. Thu, 10:54 : RT @riffraff40: How an Australian newspaper distinguishes between North and South Korea. http://t.co/8NaRlapU Thu, 11:27 : RT @strangechem: We are giving away three copies of KATYA'S WORLD by @JonathanLHoward on Goodreads! http://t.co/CkAHwgh1 Go and check it ...

Tue, 21:24 : Bought the #SandmanSlim short from @Richard_Kadrey that's just gone live on Kindle. New novel in 4 weeks. Jonesing? Me? Yes. Wed, 08:05 : RT @jamesoneill83: @timmaughan if (plot_hole == true) { bitch_on_internet('Worst story ever!'); } else { find_plot_hole(); } Wed, 10:52 : RT @jkjasonking: Best olympic coverage yet..That awkward moment when the picture editor feels the need to include the word ‘left’… htt ... Wed, 11:15 : There's metallic potassium and sodium in modern chemistry sets? Really? I find that very hard to believe. http://t.co/4VKRtSWN Wed, 11:16 : My school used to sell chemicals for home experimentation. They drew the line at white phosphorous, dammit.

Mon, 14:04 : @AnneBillson If you become a member of the aristocracy, would that make you Lady Fingers? Mon, 19:27 : RT @DMReporter: HOUSING: Interest rates set to hit 3 month low as blahblahblah it's all a trap to hide you from the majesty of creation ... Mon, 19:34 : I hate it when authors retweet good reviews of their own books. Mon, 19:34 : RT @5a5a5am: New Review: Katya's World by @JonathanLHoward http://t.co/hMyldP67 @strangechem #PleaseRT Mon, 19:35 : Luckily, I'm a terrible hypocrite. Tue, 08:57 : Local church's clock is being maintained by "Coffin's Clocks." Inspiration is all around us.

Sun, 21:36 : RT @amateuradam: I worry the London 2012 website is losing objectivity. http://t.co/pN18ySD9 Sun, 21:56 : RT @RealTimeWWII: Census in today's Life magazine: 56% think Germany will win the war - against 24% for Allies. 70% for immediate draft. ... Sun, 22:00 : Intriguing reply there is for Q6; a full third of respondents would surrender to the Axis if things weren't going well. Surprised me. Mon, 10:25 : Currently reading the collected supernatural tales of E.F.Benson. They're generally very enjoyable with some classics in there, but... Mon, 10:26 : ... he seems to have a bit of a problem with good looking middle aged women. They almost invariably turn out to be vampires or witches. Mon, 10:30 : RT @strangechem: US BLOGGERS: If you want a review copy of KATYA'S WORLD then email [email protected]! http://t.co/nFVLUMhA Tell us ...

Sat, 12:38 : RT @EyeEdinburgh: How excellent - BBC iPlayer has #OpeningCeremony available to view WITHOUT the commentary till January 2013. http://t. ... Sat, 14:38 : In lust with an Olympian. Don't worry; I've cut to the chase and am sorting out a restraining order for myself to save all the hassle later. Sat, 23:58 : Hey, now that I'm a YA author, does that mean I can't really swear on here anymore? How flipping sugar is that? Sun, 11:08 : RT @FrankConniff: Sally Ride's partner won't get federal benefits because committed relationships that last 27 years are a danger to soc ...

Fri, 12:14 : RT @jeffnoon: Independently published eBooks now available. Find Automated Alice here: http://t.co/M3KD7K5k. And Pixel Juice here: http: ... Fri, 12:17 : Just bought a Kindle copy of "Pixel Juice" by @jeffnoon (already have "The Automated Alice" in hardback. Signed too, donchaknow?) Fri, 12:44 : RT @reelmolesworth: olimpik ceremony will inklude fotherington-tomas reding from a ring of BRITE WATER atop a pile of dafodils #ShareThe ... Fri, 13:08 : If #MittRomney is "a guy from Great Britain," that means he can't be president, doesn't it? Maybe he should publish his birth certificate. Fri, 17:05 : Can't sleep when it's hot, and it screws up my concentration. Still, not as if I have anything time critical to do. Oh, wait. I have lots. Fri, 20:24 : Is something happening with the Olympics today? #TheBestIgnoranceIsWilfulIgnorance Fri, 22:03 : Unbelievable. I come back to Twitter to discover nobody in my time line said "Tubular Bells + young girl in bed = pea soup vomit." Dismayed. Fri, 22:09 : RT @ijclark: Basically, Danny Boyle has created a celebration of all the things the Tories hate, paid for by a Tory government. Good work. Fri, 22:20 : It's at times like this I really miss Frank Sidebottom. He would have sung "The Olympics are Really Fantastic." All else is anticlimax. Fri, 22:23 : Who are this lot in blazers? They're not dancing or dressed as Wombles or anything. They're ruining it. #OlympicCeremony Fri, 22:31 : Apparently at the end, they kill and cook Toby Young and feed him to feral Boy Scouts and Girl Guides. Much applause anticipated. Fri, 23:26 : Intrigued to notice that Morocco's flag is a green pentagram on a red field. Now I want an Elder Sign on the Union Jack. Fri, 23:31 : RT @emmaZbolland: The #NHS protest account has just been suspended for using THIS PICTURE! PLEASE RT! http://t.co/LhzoaFGo Fri, 23:55 : Hey, Steps have reformed! Oh, it's the British team. My mistake. #OlympicCeremony Sat, 00:16 : Stop cheering every sentence. The athletes are supposed to be doing running and stuff tomorrow, but they'll never get to bed at this rate. Sat, 00:28 : Hey, the judges didn't promise not to use drugs. Suspicious... #OlympicCeremony Sat, 00:46 : But... the Doctor's supposed to light the cauldron. #DoctorWho would never lie to me. Reality must be broken. #OlympicCeremony Sat, 01:06 : Well. I was looking forward to hating that, but it was actually rather good. I don't know what to think when we get something right. Sat, 01:07 : Such an alien sensation. Sat, 01:16 : The Child Catcher's only in the film of "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang," not the novel. Now the Olympics are completely ruined. No, they're not. Sat, 09:35 : RT @KJBar: Nurse! The Opening Ceremony volunteers caught the tube home in full costume #London2012 http://t.co/KIRMJg6R Sat, 09:41 : RT @bruce_arthur: I like to think Beckham will spend the rest of his life driving that boat around the world, solving crimes. Sat, 10:43 : Wonder what will happen to all the #OlympicCeremony props. I like to think the bicycle-dove-people get to keep their glow-in-the-dark wings.

Fri, 09:57 : Oh, look. Sanity. http://t.co/iPkVm0OI #TwitterJokeTrial Fri, 10:11 : Well, it's the London Olympics opening ceremony today, but I think we all know where deserved them more. http://t.co/9pq0apcB (Contains ads) Fri, 10:35 : RT @DMReporter: LEAKED: The vision of Britain the world will see at the �27m Olympic opening ceremony http://t.co/VqeE0RIW Fri, 11:13 : I don't remember writing this one. Hey, wait a minute... http://t.co/F2hx04ZR Fri, 11:18 : RT @NesrineMalik: Kay Burley in epic form this morning. Keeps calling the Olympics the 'main Olympics' to a paralympian in a wheelchair. </ul

Wed, 14:29 : A gratifying number of new folk have followed me recently, so hello to you all. I shall endeavour to be at least moderately amusing for you. Wed, 14:33 : I thought Twitter's random unfollow bug was mythical, but I've just had to refollow an account I know I didn't unfollow. Very rum. Wed, 14:48 : RT @PennyRed: Boris Johnson's Olympic Welcome. Watch it. Cassetteboy did it. http://t.co/tp1bm7yd Wed, 18:53 : RT @azalben: DOCTOR WHO Is The First British TV Show Ever On The Cover Of Entertainment Weekly - http://t.co/vB67EfRe Thu, 09:19 : RT @DoctorWhoNews: The actress Mary Tamm - who played the first incarnation of Romana - has died aged 62. A full obituary will appear sh ...

Tue, 14:22 : Bloody typical. I'm working on the "Katya's World" copy edit, but I'm gagging to write new stuff. Stay focussed, Howard. Tue, 14:24 : Typoed "copy edit" as "coy edit" at first. "I've changed something in this paragraph. Can you guess what it is? *Giggle*" Tue, 14:38 : Been reading a lot of period ghost/horror short stories recently. Fancy writing something similar myself. Tue, 14:40 : Blake's, the club in "Detective," would be a good venue for such stories. Anyone fancy tales from Cabal's world that don't feature him? Tue, 14:43 : RT @DalekThay: WE will ASSIST with OLYMPICS SECURITY!!! http://t.co/ge0TorXs Tue, 15:02 : Fret not, O Best Beloved. I'm not done with Cabal yet. Dear me, no. Tue, 16:31 : @AnneBillson If you like Jilted John, you should certainly consider following @johnshuttlewrth Tue, 17:02 : Dispatch from the copy editing front. Dear gods, I don't remember writing this many words. This may take a while. Wed, 11:03 : RT @strangechem: Strange Chemistry Imprint Launch - your chance to win 12 months worth of SC books OR a Kindle! Check how to enter: http ...

A few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to win some Hammer goodies from the House of Horror itself, which was nice. The prize was five DVDs bearing eight films. Unhappily, the envelope turned up with its flap open and only one DVD inside. Happily, Hammer leapt into the breach as soon as they heard my distant cry of anguish and sent me new copies of the missing discs.

I’ve been watching these in episodic form during my lunch ever since and have now seen all eight films. Most of them I haven’t seen for a very long time indeed, and in the case of the Dick Barton films, I had never seen them at all.

The DVDs are the new Icon editions and are very much at the budget end of the market. This not only means that a lot of extras that earlier releases included have been jettisoned, but they are now even missing subtitles, which seems extraordinary. Some of the prints – the Bartons and X the Unknown— have been in the wars a little, but all of them are certainly watchable. I recall there being a fuss when Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter was released in a very poor version where the night scenes were pitch black and the day scenes were washed out, but this was the correct version where everything was properly balanced.

The eight films span the period from 1948 to 1957, before leaping forward to 1974’s Captain Kronos. The ‘fifties films are historically interesting because the cover the period when Hammer evolved from a production company making smallish films of all (cheap to do) genres into its most famous manifestation as the House of Horror. The pivotal moment is generally said to be 1955 when it secured the rights to Nigel Kneale’s The Quatermass Experiment, which had been enormously successful as a BBC series.

In 1957 it released The Curse of Frankenstein, its first colour film, and the one that started the trend that we generally think of when we think of Hammer horror; supersaturated colour, a bit of sex, some Grand Guignol style gore, and ideally Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing. If you look at Hammer’s releases after that, the other fare starts to vanish as horror and psychological thrillers come to dominate their output. This continued through the ‘sixties and into the early ‘seventies, when a new form of unspeakable vileness came to Hammer – yes, On the Buses, I’m looking at you – and the House of Horror started to look rather unsteady on its foundations. A bit more on that when I talk about Captain Kronos.

Here then, in very nearly the order in which I watched them, are my capsule reviews of the eight films, kicking off with…




Back in the late ‘forties through to the early ‘fifties, the radio serial Dick Barton: Special Agent was extraordinarily popular. Every evening, the nation tuned in to the BBC Light Programme for a quarter hour of dreadful villainy opposed and overcome by the handy fists of Dick Barton and his trusty chums Snowy and Jock. Hammer decided they wanted some of that, and jumped in to buy the license. The intention was to make little programme fillers, each just over an hour presumably to avoid straining the concentration spans of the anticipated audience of schoolboys, rendered hyperactive by a surfeit of gobstoppers and sherbet fountains. The film series was apparently very successful, yet only three were made, for a reason we will get to.

First up is 1948’s Dick Barton: Special Agent. If there is anything notable about this, it’s how bad it is. The plot, what there is of it, is about an evil Nazi plot to release a plague of cholera across the country. The plan makes little sense, but it’s only there so perfidious German Nazis passing themselves off as kindly Swedes – Have they no shame? – can try an endless list of cack-handed ways of doing in Barton, Snowy, and Jock. The whole production has a curious air of being made up as they go along, and is so squarely pitched at the wide-eyed lads in the audience that it has the obligatory chirpy young fellow up there on screen to act as their avatar.

One peculiarity among many; the boy knows who Dick Barton is because he reads a Dick Barton magazine in which Barton is apparently a fictional character. This is perhaps less odd than it may at first seem; the Eagle comic regularly published “news” stories concerning its characters who were even seen in photographs. This blurring of fact and fiction may not be as odd as it now seems. In any case, the boy had no trouble reconciling the Barton of his magazine stories with the physical version before him, played nicely by Don Stannard.

Another peculiarity is that no external scenes, of which there are several, were recorded with sound, and so were dubbed in later. The studio resources apparently did not stretch to much in the way of Foley work, so these scenes are disconcertingly quiet except for the most unavoidable sound effects, and when characters speak there is usually no movement of their lips at all. The establishing scene in which the locally respected Dr Casper (Geoffrey Wincott) strolls through the village interacting with the locals is punctuated by his voice apparently floating in from another dimension. The overall effect is of a Terry Gilliam animation.

Yet another peculiarity is that, at the film’s climax, Snowy and Jock have to fight Casper’s small army of thugs. They have been so singularly incompetent through the film to this point that one is left in little doubt that the dozen or so goons will shortly be stamping the pair into bloody pulp. Against expectation, however, the fight kicks off and they actually put up a decent effort. The action cuts away to Barton’s pursuit of Casper, and then we return to the mass brawl. Confusingly, Snowy and Jock are no longer obviously involved and the thugs seem to be fighting one another. This goes on for quite a while until the police turn up and literally net the villains. Snowy and Jock are discovered, stunned. So, yes. The goons were fighting one another. Even writing about it some weeks after seeing it still causes me some cognitive dissonance. The bad guys were fighting themselves. Ow.

We’ll skip the second film Dick Barton Strikes Back for a moment and go onto the third, Dick Barton at Bay because I liked Strikes Back a lot and want to rave about it a bit, so I’ll get the less impressive At Bay out of the way first.

Production standards had come on leaps and bounds after the first film, which clearly had next to no budget. The sequels look far better, the stories work better, the external scenes have – Hallelujah! – properly recorded sound, and there is actually some characterisation in evidence. Jock has been dropped from the formula, which makes things a lot tighter, too, as now Barton only has to put up with one underachiever at a time. In fairness, Snowy has improved as a character although he’s still an idiot.

At Bay, which was released in 1950, concerns itself with that most fashionable bit of future tech of the period, a death ray. The doughty British have invented one, and some rotten foreigners (pretty obviously Soviets of some hue) wish to steal it. There’s little to say about this film as little of it has stayed in the memory. There is a great reliance on coincidence, even by the standards of such stories, and Barton is much less likeable than he was in Strikes Back, being very inclined to shoutiness and lacking much sense of humour.

The film isn’t so much bad as mediocre; it washes over you and then it’s gone. Its one and only worthy point of note is that the first reel contains an all too brief appearance by Patrick Macnee – later to find fame as John Steed in “The Avengers” – as Phillips, another special agent. Not being Dick Barton, Phillips discovers that his special agenthood does not provide him with outrageous bits of luck and he ends up full of bullet holes and floating down the Thames in the first five minutes.

Right, that’s the bad and the ugly out of the way. Now, let us backpedal our timebike back a year to 1949 and the film that one guesses from the evidence was filmed back-to-back with Dick Barton at Bay, Dick Barton Strikes Back.

Now this is a fun film. Interestingly, it’s also the one with a very “The Avengers” vibe to it in several respects. Briefly, Barton and Snowy are put onto the trail of a very dangerous foreigner (aren’t they all?), the splendidly named Alfonso Delmonte Fourcada, played with great panache by Sebastian Cabot, who went on to have a pretty good career.

Barton and Snowy lose track of him pretty quickly, but are called into an apparently unrelated and very horrible case; the entire population of a village has died simultaneously. No signs of violence, disease, or toxins.

The scene in which Barton and Snowy drive through the deserted village – the army having already removed the bodies – could easily have come from an Avengers episode, although Emma Peel would have been a definite improvement on Snowy. Shops are still standing open, half-finished pints of beer in the pub, the scene hangs on the silence of the village. Snowy’s main concern is to get a pint of beer himself, his entire raison d’être in the script, which doesn’t entirely know what to do with him. That he’s smacking his chops thirstily in a village of the dead doesn’t endear him to the viewer.

If the film demonstrates anything, it’s that Snowy and Jock were truly creatures of the radio in that they gave Barton somebody to explain to, and thereby communicate the action to the audience.  On screen, however, Snowy is so much dead weight and all of Don Stannard’s best scenes are when Barton is separated from him.

There’s even a very, very mild touch of romance in the air when Barton speaks with the secretary of Lord Armadale. She’s a lady of foreign extraction with the inexpressibly exotic name of Tina. Apparently the BBC cut any reference to romance from the radio series when they realised how many young and impressionable boys were listening, so they probably weren’t happy with the scenes of Barton being civil to a young, unmarried lady. This scene is followed with one that could have come from a 1950s James Bond film that never was, as Barton wanders the grounds of Armadale’s country house in a dinner jacket, only to espy Tina doing something suspicious with a dog.

Behave.

This is then followed by a scene, thoroughly effective in its unexpected brutality, of another village being wiped out that night by the mysterious super weapon.

Lordy-loo, but I enjoyed this film. Even the dialogue isn’t bad.

The climax takes place in Blackpool, although it is never called that; just “a northern city.” With a Golden Mile, a Winter Gardens, and a dirty big tower. It could be anywhere, really. That Blackpool is mentioned in the credits is clearly a coincidence.

So, the climax takes place in Blackpool. The villain is going to trigger his super weapon at the top of the tower, and hundreds of thousands will die. Snowy is bugger all use, so it’s up to Barton to save the day. There follows a sequence of such startling reality that I can still hardly believe it was ever filmed. Barton goes up in the lift, but the lift operator is one of the villain’s goons and he attacks Barton. There is a mad struggle in which the lift door is wrenched open. Barton is knocked down and the goon shoves him over the threshold so his head is dangling over the edge. And when I say Barton, I mean Stannard. The scene is not faked, he and the other actor are in an open lift going up Blackpool Tower and it’s difficult to believe they’re secured. Health and safety? Dick Barton laughs at your health and safety!

Barton beats the guy up, but the other goons cut the power to the lift and Barton has to go the rest of the way on foot. Another thug goes to intercept him and shoots him in the arm. Barton bleeds. He bleeds a lot. Yes, it’s a black and white film, but it’s also 1949. Barton slaps his bicep as he’s shot and a bastard-load of blood goes flying.

Barton struggles on, climbing the actual girders of the tower as he ascends. It is plainly Stannard. He is also plainly a very long way up and there is clearly no safety line. Back projected, you say? No, it definitely isn’t. My jaw was drooping with astonishment. This whole film is simply impossible to equate with the unimpressive and stagey first episode on any level.

Barton beats the gunman unconscious and finally reaches the observation deck at the top of the tower to confront the arch villain. The scene works so well, given that Barton will not kill but that the villain must die. Barton, in a dirty and tattered shirt, one sleeve blood soaked, advances in an exhausted shamble. He knows the weapon, which is already activated and is approaching its killing peak, is effecting him and he only has seconds of life left. Like the wrath of God, he keeps going somehow. The villain is grinning and delivering some mad speech, but we cannot hear a word of it over the electrical howl of the weapon. We can only see his lips move. The effect seems to magnify the lunatic evil of a man who feels nothing while he kills hundreds or thousands of men, women, and children. It’s a coup de cinema, and the last thing you’d expect in some cheap little programme filler.

I really liked this film.

Of course, there are shortcomings. There is an unspoken acceptance that gypsies will be evil because they are gypsies (Indeed, there’s a scene of the clan together that makes it seem likely that the production did actually hire real gypsies. Presumably being in a Dick Barton film assuaged any doubts they had about enforcing a stereotype). There is a scene where a villain not only doesn’t use his gun just to shoot Barton, but instead uses it to create a death-trap that really is pushing the “I expect you to die, Mr Bond. Barton. I meant Mr Barton” thing a bit too far, especially as the revolver then fires about twelve shots, sufficient to put down a small army of special agents. The film’s climax could have done with a little trimming just to keep the energy up, it’s true. Plus, the print is far from undamaged and we get jumps where there are missing frames.

All that aside, it’s a small gem of the cinema. Think of it as a precursor of “The Avengers,” or even the Bond films, at least in spirit.

It was Don Stannard’s finest hour, but it was also close to his last. Production moved from Strikes Back to At Bay and by the time the latter had finished filming, the first was ready to be released. There was a release party for Dick Barton Strikes Back and, afterwards, Stannard was driving home, giving Sebastian Cabot a lift.

There was a crash. Cabot walked away from it almost unscathed. Stannard died instantly.

There seemed to be no will to carry on with the Barton franchise after that. Given that the next title on the slate was Dick Barton in Africa, perhaps that wasn’t such a bad thing.  Hammer released the competent but dull Dick Barton at Bay the following year, and then washed its hands of the special agent. A year later, in a surfeit of snobbery, so did the BBC. 

Hard to believe that, after all those Nazis, communists, gangsters, and mad scientists of every ilk, Dick Barton was finally laid low by a mandarin at the BBC who regarded all this derring-do as rather infra dig for the Corporation and so replaced it with something more educational; The Archers. A special agent trampled by “an everyday story of country folk.” That just about sums up all that is wrong with the world, I think.

As an aside, there have been a few attempts to revive Barton down the years, but never successfully. Indeed, Barton is a figure of fun these days. Unlike the flawed heroes like Sherlock Holmes, or the almost otherworldly ones like Father Brown, Dick Barton is very much the product of his time and of British society at that time. To call the character two dimensional is almost an insult to the Flatlanders, although there are strong flickers of personality in that second film, even if they were firmly extinguished by the third. It’s a shame, but Barton cannot live in our world; our cynicism and moral relativism would poison him. If he were to be revisited, I suspect there would be an attempt to update him. It wouldn’t work. It didn’t work with Bulldog Drummond in the ‘sixties, and it wouldn’t work with Dick Barton in the 21st century.

Goodbye, Dick Barton, and thanks for all the derring do. Britain salutes you.

Right. Next time, I’ll be moving onto the horror stuff.