R.L. Geer-Robbins's Blog, page 20

It’s one of those days when you realize you have to play a long game to reach your goal.

The long game sucks.

Things are not flowing as well as they were. I had a plan. I had a calendar. I had a dream, a passion, and enough monsters to stay awake for six months. But this past week, things have begun to crash, slow down, and I lost a bit of my passion. That is the problem with the long game- it takes a very long time. I guess I shouldn’t be complaining. Everyone, that is anyone, has played the long game, from successful businesses to athletes to artists- they all had the valley of a minimal return in their journey.

I guess I was hoping to be the expectation.

I am not.

Rude.

So here I sit, trying to devise a better game plan. I have made a lot of mistakes on my journey. There have been a lot of failures. Too many to count at this point. It might be easier to count the wins at this point. But the losses stand out in the spotlight of life.

For example, my dogs. Pimping Puppy Polar Bear and Kool Kat Kona- they are trying to send me to an early grave. We came from Alaska- the land of frozen tundras, harsh winters, scarce daylight, and mosquitoes the size of small dinosaurs. I never had an issue with the dogs wanting to play outside. I had more of a problem getting them to come in during the winter months than anything.

But now we live in Washington. Land of mild winters, light rain, coffee shops, and traffic. I thought for sure that they would want to head outside to play. Frocklick in the knowledge that they can venture out year round now and not become a doggy icepop. NOPE. They don’t like getting their paws wet. And it seems that Pimping Puppy Polar Bear is now a primadonna and will only venture to the bathroom if there is a 20-minute walk involved. Needless to say, the bathroom issue has become a significant problem in my home.

Kool Kat Kona, who everyone says is overweight, has developed new superpowers. She can now jump onto kitchen counters and open pet-resistant trashcans. She is probably overweight from the amount of bags of chips and homemade cookies that she has been fishing out of cupboards and food pantries.

I took matters into my own hands and am now waiting for my second ‘premium’ dog gate to arrive since they broke the last one. This redesigned and improved gate is 48 inches tall and 36 inches wide and can withstand the force of a hurricane. We will see about that.

The only downfall to this is that they will now be trapped downstairs- where the majority of my books reside. Will my books survive? I don’t know. When given the choice between books and dogs, I’m not sure which one I could live without. I am leaning towards saving my books. Book lives matter too! Just kidding- my child would kill me if I got rid of the dogs. They are here for life.

Next issue. I have started two new businesses while working a full time job and trying to write book 2. Time is not on my side right now. Work has been making me actually ‘work’. Promoting my book has been more challenging than I thought possible because everyone is broke. And I haven’t built a clientele for my editing and publishing services. At least not yet.

What I am trying to say is that money is a wee bit tight, and I haven’t gotten my nails or eyebrows done in a month. I used to get them done every two weeks. It was the only present I gave myself, and it made me happy. But the economy is crap right now, and it seems that paying $6.00 for a gallon of gas is going to be the new norm. So my nails are growing out with the old gel on top, and I have been filing them down myself, hoping no one notices. My eyebrows look like large caterpillars have settled on my face, and I can’t see my once beautiful eyes.

I haven’t even bought a book since December. Unless it is on Kindle Unlimited and free, I will support my fellow authors next year when I get my allowance back.

I also thought about starting to drink my coffee black. I have been slowly weaning myself off the legal white powder for the last week, and I am almost there. My joy of living is gone- but sacrifices must be made in the name of art.

So there it is- a recap of my week playing the long game. It was filled with a lot of not-so-great moments. It was filled with a lot of self-doubt. But I am sure that this time next year, I will have a different outlook on life.

I just need to make it 364 more days….

The post The long game isn’t always pretty when achieving your dream. appeared first on R.L. Geer-Robbins / Author.

Friends,

A little over a week ago, I was cooking dinner while watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix. As the intro started, I started singing and dancing to the music (it’s my 5th time watching the series, so I know ALL the words), and I felt a pop in my lower back.

What did I do? The same thing that every middle-aged woman does when something hurts, but there are chores to be done- I ignored it.

The next day, I woke up to devastating pressure in my back, so severe that I couldn’t bend over and pick up my shoes. The pain had taken my breath away, and I fell to the ground, unable to lift myself back up. I couldn’t call out to my husband because he was mad at me, and I was trying to relearn how to breathe. It was precarious, as both my dogs thought I was sitting down to play with them. I tried to get Puppy Polar Bear to run off and find help like Lassy, but he just jumped on the bed and fell asleep. I asked Kool Kat Kona to get my youngest, but she just brought me a ball to throw for her.

I was beginning to think that I was stuck there forever.

But then the pain subsided, and off to work I headed, with shoes on and a deep appreciation for Life Alert.

The morning drags along, and the pain grows more intense. People at my office look at me funny because I walk like I have a wad of paper stuffed between my legs. At 1100 a.m., after numerous jokes at my expense, I arranged to see a therapist to work out the kinks.

Worse idea ever!!!!!!

The appointment felt great. He worked out all the tense muscles in my back and neck. The hours sitting at my computer editing and reformatting my book slowly disappeared. I felt like a brand-new woman. I felt 35 again.

Until I tried to stand up.

Suddenly, the kink in my back was no longer an isolated pain. It was now radiating down my ass and into my legs. Even worse, the therapist had left the room so I could get dressed, but I was stuck. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t get dressed. I couldn’t even get off the table.

Talk about embarrassing! I had to call out and ask them to come to help me put on my pants. What kind people. What professionals. They helped me without breaking a smile or looking me in the eye. Almost like it had happened to them before.

I will never be able to go back there again.

But now, this was getting serious. I work almost an hour from home and an hour and a half from where my parents and husband work. I couldn’t call them to come to help me. Then I remembered that I am a big girl. So, I hobble to my truck, swan dive in because I can’t pick up my legs. I call the VA to ask for an appointment to see a doctor stat.

They gave me an appointment for March 12th.

Oh, dear God. This is how it was going to end. Me stuck on the side of the freeway, my body locked up, and left to die because no one stops to help people anymore. I prayed to every god in the world and did what any average person would do when they are losing feeling in their feet- I drove to the ER. This was an emergency. I needed to pee and couldn’t take off my pants or sit. I wasn’t even sure how I was getting out of the truck when I arrived.

After an agonizing 40-minute drive where I actually did the speed limit – I arrived at the place that was about to save me!

I hobbled in, praying that I didn’t run into anything because I couldn’t straighten myself out at this point, and I was staring at the floor. But the front desk people were amazing. So kind and understanding. So patient with me as I struggled to find my wallet in my oversized purse. They even gave me a wheelchair and an ice pack.

I know why they did that now.

Because in the scheme of emergency, tingling feet, loss of strength in your legs, and a knife shoved into your lower back is NOT seen as an emergency. Running noses? Bad cough? Seeing leprechauns because you ate bad mushrooms? Those are emergencies. Not the loss of mobility because you are getting old.

Now I don’t blame the ER. They do an incredible job, especially now that COVID has been eradicated but still exists in hospitals. But I wish they had told me at the beginning that it would be an EIGHT-hour wait to be seen. And even then- there was nothing they would do for me except say- ‘call your primary in the morning.’

I didn’t wait the EIGHT hours. After two, I saw the waiting room filling up and decided to let the staff not have to worry about me. I drove home to pee finally. And ate McDonald’s because I was in desperate need for supersized comfort food.

The next three days I spent trying to self-care, and by Sunday, I was almost at 60%. I call that a win.

What did I take away from this experience? I learned that you should NEVER dance to theme songs while cooking spaghetti. I learned that VA’s definition of stat is very different from mine. Motrin still saves the day.

And that I will never be a famous backup dancer on TikTok.

Singer Katy Perry performs (with her sharks) during the Super Bowl XLIX halftime on Feb. 1, 2015.

The post The day I realized that I am officially old. appeared first on R.L. Geer-Robbins / Author.

Friends and family are amazing! They will hype you up until you believe that you should run for political office, become a comedian, start a lifestyle brand, or become an influencer…

They will tell you to publish that book!

Why in the world did I listen?

My book is live. You can find it on Amazon.com right now. Granted, unless you know how to spell my name and I have given you the link to the book, it may be challenging to find. But regardless, it is out there for the world to see.

I have spent the last three days waiting for Amazon to update the sales report, and today it finally showed that one person had purchased my book. Party time. I know there have been more purchases, but it takes a while for the statistics to compute. I wasn’t nervous until now.

Why am I nervous?

Because I just read multiple posts where fellow authors talked about taking TWO years to edit their books. They have sent their book to all their friends and family members to read and comment on it. They have changed the format, the plot, the characters, and the foundation of their books. These authors shelved their books for a time and then returned to them to ensure they still gave them joy. They have 3-4 notebooks filled with notes, thousands of Twitter followers, t-shirts, stickers, coffee mugs, and small movies made for promotion.

I did not take two years. Although the entire process took about two years, the point of book completion and publication lasted only a few months.

I allowed my mother to read it. She gave it a glowing review. But that might be because she is in the acknowledgments.

I gave it to my editor. She gave it back and told me she never plans on editing another book again.

I sent it to three other people (non-friends or family), and they never got back to me.

Not looking very promising for the home team.

Then I read another post where multiple people said that a self-published book was not an actual book. They claim that only professionals with degrees can accurately determine if a book is good enough. According to them, I needed to spend at least $3,000.00-$5,000.00 on an editor, $700.00 on a book cover, and $3,000.00 on a promotion team. Do you know how long it would take to pay back a publishing company that much money?

I don’t think I owe that much on my truck!

Then, I read other posts where authors have spent two to three years sending their books to publishing companies and agents. These authors hope a professional team will buy into their novels based on a one-page introduction and 5-10 pages of the first chapter. Each letter needs to be personalized to the agent/publishing company you are addressing, and it must be able to encompass 300-400 pages of writing into three paragraphs. That is almost more work than writing the damn novel.

To those who have been able to do it, my hats off to you! Well done!

I decided not to follow that route for the time being. Why? Because each time interest was shown in my work, I was required to put in the same amount of effort for self-promotion and editing as I have done with self-publishing.

I took a leap of faith and am falling off the cliff now.

I am falling because now comes the part where my book will be in the hands of those friends and family members who have supported me. What if I misspell a word? What if they hate the plot? What if they think the characters are based on them and are upset?

There is a point after the grind of creating your art that everything starts moving in slow motion. All the celebrations, dinners, wine, and gourmet coffee that you were dreaming about- that doesn’t happen. Instead, you clean your carpets and your baseboards. You make dinner and get into arguments with your spouse and have to listen to your children complain about mean teachers.

All this while in the back of your mind, you are freaking out about your book and the feedback that you are going to get.

I guess this is the true test of being an author… am I willing to read what others write about me?

God, I hope reviews are good….

The post I am sick to my stomach… who allowed me to publish a book? Your fired! appeared first on R.L. Geer-Robbins- Author.

My dear friends,

With three filled notebooks, two brand-new coffee pots, and one updated prescription for anti-anxiety pills, I am ready to submit my book to Amazon. Let me tell you what I have spent the last six hours doing.

Looking up keywords for indexing using publisherrocket.com.

Are you asking what keywords are and why I need to use a web program to figure them out?

Yup, so did I.

When uploading to ANY Epub or book distribution center, there are seven words or phrases that you need to map out for your novel. Using those phrases will help the computer widgets market your books to the right audience. I, myself, would rather not be looking up fantasy romance and be given a list of gluten-free cooking cookbooks- so it makes sense to get the phrases correct.

And it would seem easy, just remember what you wrote and choose the most appropriate phrases.

But it is not easy. It is actually less easy than the social media requirements that I wrote about in my last blog. This is because you have to compete with thousands of other writers in your overarching genre. Do you know how many fantasy / YA fantasy writers are out there? THOUSANDS.

A debut writer enters the stage with a successful blog but no published books to her name. Tell me how that is going to stack up against the Sarah J. Maas’s and the Elizabeth Kostova’s?!?

Therefore, I need all the help that I can get with these key phrases because I have nothing else to set my book apart. But then again, I am a fantasy writer who includes a historical element in my writing, coupled with some romance and a very healthy dose of dark fantasy. That is a lot of different aspects of fantasy. So how do I reduce it to seven words?

I cheat. I use a computer program… Publisher Rocket. If not, I would be walking blind and underprepared.

Thanks to my guardian angel, I have the ability to spend a lot of my time researching, comparing, watching YouTube, and asking questions of already published authors. If I got paid for the time and effort I put into this book already, I would have quit my day job months ago.

Furthermore, my guardian angel owes me after working part-time for the last forty years. And before you say anything, I know that my guardian angel is a ‘he’ because he consistently disappears when there is work to be done. For example, this morning when I woke up at 2:30 and stumbled downstairs to make my morning cup of coffee…he was nowhere to be found to warn me that I was putting flour in my cup instead of sugar.

Rude!

As I said, seven hours later, I narrowed my list of potential keywords from 1,000 to 765. Because I need to vent, and you are a dear friend, I am about to tell you why I still have 765 key phrases using only the word paranormal as an example.

Here are my top paranormal phrases:

Paranormal romance, paranormal adult romance, paranormal YA romance, paranormal book fiction, paranormal cozy mystery, paranormal fantasy, paranormal romance fantasy…

You get the idea….

However, I also have elements of mythology, deities, shapeshifters, vampires, writing, authors, books, romance, Valkeryie, and hell in my book. Each one of those is another list of 5-7 keyphrases that I could use as one of my potential seven.

But that is not all. You must use statistics to see what key phrases have been typed into the search bar on Amazon. I have to compare how many people actually bought a book with those phrases (or read the kindle), how much the average cost of the book was, and how many fellow writers you are competing with.

Let’s not end there, because I am not even done. I have narrowed my list to 765, but I want to check out the competition since readers are attracted to more than just key phrases. Now I must read the descriptions of the books being sold that match my writing style and take notes. My book may be the hottest book in the world, but if my description is awful, nobody will read it.

I have written my description at least 15 times by now. I thought I had it this morning at work. I just knew that I was on the right path. So I called my mother and read it to her. And after a deliberate pause, she says- ‘well that is one way.’

What the ________ (fill in the blank).

So back to the drawing board I must return. It is currently 11:10. It has been 3:30 since I started working on this (since I had to make coffee), and my key phrases are not dwindling down and I do not have a description. The editor just called me because she found that somehow I misspelled thighs in the final proofreading. I am not sure where I was heading with that unless my MC wraps her things around his waist during the hot-and-heavy scene.

I think my venting is over. I really should get back to work. The publication date is right around the corner and according to my mother, I can’t write a 200-word description of a 97,500-word novel.

I think I am going to take a break and watch TikTok.

The post So, you want to publish on Amazon? Great! It turns out it is not so easy… appeared first on R.L. Geer-Robbins- Author.

Once upon a time, a middle-aged woman believed that you sat behind a computer, wrote a book, edited the book, published the book, and then had a 12-part Netflix documentary made of your life.

It seemed so simple.

But, then again, everything seems simple when you first start.

As I put the final touches on my book, I started shopping around for publishing agencies and book agents. I wanted to see what was out there and how already-published authors paved the way for newbies. I found so much information- posts, blogs, tweets, memes, websites, YouTube videos, TicToks, and books that I can’t honestly tell you how to do it. Everyone has a different opinion.

What remained constant was social media.

Here is the kicker- I have spent two years building my blog and social media platform- expanding from only family to a respectful 72 followers. I have read, replied, and engaged with anyone who followed me or whom I followed. Not all the time, since it is a full-time job. But it was on my weekly schedule. I wanted everyone to feel like someone was reading their stories.

It seems that this is not enough.

I was advised recently that publishing companies and book agents will only engage with an author if their book is ready for publication – yesterday – and they have a substantial social media following. The writer should have already edited the book, designed the book cover, started book two, and kicked off selling book one before you send off query letters asking for representation.

What do these people get paid for?????

I have a decent social media following. NOTHING to brag about. So along with my husband’s business, I started working on my social media platforms. I have begun to follow other writers, purchase books from self-published authors, engage and celebrate the good news, and make my posts.

But there are so many damn different social media platforms! Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tiktok, Goodreads, Reddit, Linkedin, YouTube, and WordPress… Each one can take up an hour a day to engage, post, react, publish, create, and sell yourself. And according to all the websites, you have to be relevant on all of them.

And now, I am not only worried about my writing career, but I have also added the additional stress of a start-up company. This is because we sell a unique product that not everyone needs or wants- snakes. You have to put a lot of effort into finding like-minded people who enjoy animal species with no legs. Not to mention, most of your business will come from reptile shows if you don’t have a brick-and-mortar business front.

Reptile shows are all about social media. Before the show, you must sell your business with pictures, posts, and links. Keeping up with your fellow business owners is imperative since reptiles are constantly changing due to new breeds, improvements to equipment, and updated scientific studies. It’s not enough to sell snakes… you have to be an expert. And there are a lot of damn snakes on this planet.

I took last week off of work to finish up some editing for my book and do my research on social media platforms. I studied trends, pricing, research, and statistics on both markets …. authors and small business owners.

But on Christmas Eve, I discovered the key, the Holy Grail, the answer to the test!

I have to quit my job.

Or give up sleeping altogether.

There you have it, folks- the answer to surviving social media.

Follow me for more tricks of the trade!

And remember, friends- Be Great at what your Good at… even if it is the dreaded social media.

The post Social media and the writer- a guide to surviving tweets, memes, and posts. appeared first on R.L. Geer-Robbins- Author.

The Christmas tree sitting proudly in my living room is dying. Hand cut two days after Thanksgiving; it is already beginning to show its age. It is the equivalent of a grumpy old man sitting on his front porch yelling at the birds for making noise. The branches are starting to droop down towards the floor like the circles under my eyes. Ornaments are barely hanging on because the tree has the strength of a newly hatched butterfly.

And now, Mr. Evergreen looks like he is in a state of anger and denial. It is going to need Botox if it is hoping to make it for another five days.

Of course, my parents lost their tree four days after they got it. Just before the annual book club Christmas party- so ALL their friends could witness the final stages of death. Brown needles plastered the floor, the fire department declared it a safety hazard, and any chance of my mom getting any house plants for Christmas was out the door.

In a world where we are all conscious of our carbon footprint, driving electric cars and eating food created out of paste with artificial flavoring, why do we cut down trees for Christmas?

Did you know that 25-30 million Christmas trees are sold every year? I spent $175.00 on mine alone. A small fortune when Christmas is 28 days away and you still have a teenager living in the house. My calculator can’t compute that high of a profit margin.

There are five days before Christmas, and I am already having nightmares about de-decorating the house. I will need to get a new vacuum just to clean up the mess. Kool Kat Kona and Puppy Polar Bear have hidden half the Christmas bulbs somewhere in the house and I can’t find them. The garland hanging around the doors is already falling off the frame. And my artificial Christmas wreath on the front door looks like a wet cat…just sad and miserable.

My son and I had to go to Wal-Mart yesterday to get food for our weekly dinners. The sounds of Mariah Carey Christmas songs wafted through the air. The shelves of Christmas candy and $5.00 stocking stuffers looked like a herd of wild horses had trampled through them. Signs of Valentine cards intertwined with ‘Happy New Years!’ hats and Saint Paddy Day beads.

Christmas is darn well over before the presents are even wrapped this year.

I would love to rant about the missing Christmas spirit, but honestly, that left when Starbucks decided it was no longer willing to sell Eggnog Lattes.

This year though is the year of Christmas with no suitcases in my family. No one is traveling to spend the day together, unless you call the 30-minute drive to my parents’ house traveling. No loans had to be taken out to afford plane tickets, no grumpy grandpa hiding in the study to get away from the noise. No teenagers pouting about having nothing to do and missing their friends. This is the Christmas that Hallmark movies are made of.

BUT…

Then again, there have been no arguments about whether or not we should go to Seattle for a day. There is no girl’s afternoon of Medi’s and Pedi’s where we complain about boys and talk about all the New Year’s resolutions that we are NOT making. No early morning chit-chats over coffee as seven people attempt to all take morning showers at the same time. No silent disapproving stares as I steal the last of my father’s home-made moonshine at 8 a.m.

I am not trying to be a grinch about Christmas. It is just that Christmas is maturing into something different as my children begin fleeing the home in search of their own traditions. The stress of Christmas presents is just as overwhelming- and it is just as expensive. But now the lead-up is different.

I am growing old and bitter.

Like my Christmas tree.

But I have a plan! Next year I am buying an overpriced plastic tree that will stay perky and upright through the whole season. One of those artificial trees that you just push a button and unfolds by itself, pre-decorated with lights and ornaments. And when the blessed day after Christmas arrives, I will push another button and it will fold nicely into its original box!

White lights on a Christmas tree that glow brightly. Garnished with gaudy tinsel and popcorn garland. I will play every 1960’s Christmas movie known to man and sing ‘Here Comes Santa Claus’, while baking cookies instead of buying the Wal-Mart $0.99 special. I may even get one of those inflatable reindeer to put on my roof!

I have dreams! Next year I will get this right! Next year will be the year of the Christmas tree come back!

Or maybe I will go to Hawaii.

That sounds good too!

The post Oh Christmas Tree. Oh Christmas Tree! Please don’t die before Christmas…. appeared first on R.L. Geer-Robbins- Author.

Friends!

It has been a whirlwind for a couple of months! I think since June of this year there has not been one month of some type of major change. Moving across the country, changing jobs, revisiting old passions, discovering brand-new ones, losing friends, and making new ones.

But this past week has had me thinking, re-evaluating, and questioning. This past week has forced me to take a deep look at the very essence of who I am and who I want to be.

Scary stuff.

Let’s back up! Three months ago, I sent out queries to publishing companies about my novel ‘The Writer and the Librarian’. Despite the fact that I did not know what the ending would be, or that it was only half written. My hope was that it would inspire me to finish the race. To complete one goal that I had set for myself. To write a novel.

Seems easy enough. Sit at the computer, write words in a coherent manner, and make sure that there are no major typos.

The book cover was even designed. It’s perfect! I love it.

And until a week ago, there was no pressure. It was something to do on my off time. I was able to be lazy because in all honesty, no one thought that I would do it. Don’t get me wrong, I had supporters. And when I brought it up in conversations, they would engage for a few minutes before changing the subject. But writing is a solo practice, driven by personal demons and fairies and it is not something that you can put into words over dinner.

Then I got an email on Friday afternoon a week ago. A request for the entire manuscript. You got to be kidding me! Did you email the right person? Are you sure you meant this Rose and not another one?

Nope- they spelled my last name correctly. So, they must have meant to contact me.

Was it done? No! Did I have an outline? No!

But for the first time, someone outside of my tiny circle of supporters had faith in my writing. They thought it was good enough to take a chance on me. So, I buckled down for 72 hours of writing, stress, and a small nervous breakdown.

And I finished.

And I was happy.

I’m sure even if the publishing company tells me they absolutely love it, it will still come back with 82% of it red marked for changes. I am sure that I still have a long road in front of me, but someone liked it.

That was enough for me.

Then what follows is the truth of wanting to be something more than what you are. Where my mantra of ‘Be Great at what you are Good at!’, failed me.

The seed of doubt has crept in and blurred my confidence. What if they don’t like it? What if it is horrendous and something that only my mother would love?

Could I handle being rejected? I have been told that I don’t handle rejection well. That I tend to give up easily. I nearly asked for the manuscript back. It’s true, I fail more than I succeed. So why would this be different?

Can I tell you a secret? The majority of my first career was spent being told I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t funny enough to be in the cool kid’s club. I wasn’t pretty enough to be a part of the ‘gang’. I was too fat, too slow, too awkward. Over time, I became a bit**. Not because I wanted to be. Just because it was easier than begging to be invited to the party.

This is not a pity party, but rather an acknowledgement that events mold you into what you have become. Despite being an adult, others find my faults and point them out with glee. And you must take criticism in stride. Because that is what we do now. We criticize others because everyone has the right to express themselves as they wish – regardless of the consequences. It’s part of being an adult- giving up a part of yourself for the greater good of others.

The consequences of 21+ years fighting for a spot have come with a price. My faith in myself.

Now I sit. Waiting for a response to my manuscript. Not wanting to get hopeful, trying to curb my excitement because I was told that I don’t handle rejection well.

But I want my name on a book. I would love for it to be sitting on a Barnes and Nobles shelf. I would like someone to pick it up because they like the cover and take it home. I want them to read it while taking a bath and think- maybe magic did exist.

Because the book is an extension of my daily dance with shadows. The dark thoughts that are not allowed to be spoken, the secrets that must be locked away with a key. These secrets must be hidden on a high shelf in a dark closet and never brought to light. Through this book, I was able to forge a path to hell that seemed reasonable and realistic.

The book is my own way of finding hope. That magic exists. That myths and happy endings are true. And that evil is not always what it seems to be….

The sun is rising friends. Another day. The shadows must be tucked away, and the face of confidence needs to be reattached. My war face. Time to be great at something that I am good at.

The post The book has been written. Now I face the real challenge. To be or not to be? appeared first on R.L. Geer-Robbins- Author.

I am sure that many of you are wondering how my life with eight snakes and two dogs is panning out.

It’s not.

Somehow, magically, without my knowledge, we are now the proud owners of ten snakes and two dogs.

Not sure how that happened. It was a sneak attack by my husband. His excuse? His boss gave them to him ‘for a job well done.’

Yea……sure he did.

Not that I am complaining, but I am complaining. My saving grace is that all the snakes stay in his ‘office.’ The office that I had been evicted from to make room for their new homes. The office that still has my book shelves, pictures, and all the pertinent paperwork. Now when my husband wants some alone time, he just opens the lids to the cages and I won’t come within 100 feet. I am beginning to think that he pre-planned this decision, making it seem like it was my idea. But in reality, he just wanted the office for himself. 

The two OGs are still downstairs with me, watching and judging every moment I spend drafting my book. We have come to a shaky peace agreement. I will ignore them, and they will watch me like a mercenary waiting to strike. 

Aelle and Miles (Aelle is the red one)

So, in the world of Rose’s Animal Kingdom, here are the updates.

Pimping Puppy Polar Bear and Kool Kat Kona are still adjusting their prima-donna attitudes about bathroom breaks outside vs. on my favorite rug. I would like to say that I am winning the war, but unfortunately the enemy has me in full retreat. I have resorted to carrying treats to lure them outside, and then quickly shutting the door behind them. Then it is the waiting game in which they stand by the backdoor until I am freezing and give in.

So that’s coming along well!

Good News!

Five of the six Red Tail Boas now have names.

Rosie the Riveter (I will explain that name in a few moments.)Newt, short for NewtonAnne with a EAelle the alligatorMiles (My sister named her)No name

I have learned some valuable lessons this past week that I think all snake and/or soon-to-be snake owners should know. 

We will start with how Rosie the Riveter got her name.

The OG letting me know that my writing is disturbing him

Once upon a time, I thought it might be a promising idea to take photos of our newly acquired pets, something to document our journey as a business owner. It has been a pleasure! We take the snakes out almost every night for ‘handling time’ and when they do something cute, I snap a photo with my phone camera. 

Until three nights ago, when Rosie the Riveter decided she no longer wanted to be my muse- and tried to eat my phone! After my screams of terror, it took 20 minutes to talk her down from ‘attack mode’ to ‘get in your cage young lady’ mode. 

So, the lesson here is that if you want to take ‘family photos’ with your snakes- do it in zoom, and not in normal view. 

Next big lesson- snakes must eat. Yes, I know that seems like a no-brainer, but let’s talk about what snakes eat. It’s not left-over pizza or scrapes of rare steak. Nope- it is cute furry four-legged animals that for some reason always come with white fur and look like a Disney character in Cinderella. 

I tried to find snake food online that did not include fur or blood but was sorely disappointed. It seems that to have healthy animals, you should feed them according to their dietary needs. So, in the interest of having happy and healthy snakes, I must bite back my disgust and do the right thing. 

This led to another teachable moment:

Snakes are hunters. Hunters who live off what the land provides. You cannot change an animal’s instinct to attack food when it is given to them. But beware- when a snake is given the option of a warmed-up frozen rat vs. a human’s warm fingers…. they will choose the fingers. EVERYTIME!

The two new snakes are Kenyan Sand Boa’s- the ugliest damn snake in the world that likes to burrow under stuff. These are the snakes that the 1990 movie Tremors is based on. Their heads are perfectly designed to bury themselves in the sand- complete with a flattened face and pointed nose. Even better? They can live for up to 30 years! I will literally be dead before these snakes get old.  

Kenyan Sand Boa- snowflake

How’s the book coming? I am glad that you asked. I got the first round of edits back from my editor. Wonderful woman! Awesome at her job! 10 out of 10!

She approved of Chapters 1-12. 

The book has thirty-four chapters!

So that’s all good. Feeling pretty optimistic about being done in the next ten years. 

The post And then there were two more…. life as a snake mom trying to re-potty train two grown dogs. Life is great! appeared first on R.L. Geer-Robbins- Author.

You all have probably wondered what has happened since I was blessed with two meanest and untouchable snakes as pets.

I would love to share!

First- It wasn’t until I made sure their Amazon-like home had multiple locks and chains, as well as individual heaters and misters, that I realized they were nocturnal. Which means they are the least impressive pets I have ever owned.

I am an early riser, so at 4:30 am, when I come down to make coffee, I turn on the kitchen lights to mimic daybreak, and they slither back to their hiding places. By the time I have had my first cup, we play the game of Where’s Waldo. Once I know they are still breathing; my job is done for the day.

Simple…

Now, somewhere amid the last two weeks, I discovered that snakes could fly. Apparently, they prefer first-class travel accommodations on Delta, complete with their own personal handlers and priority boarding.

That is how my six new red-tailed boas arrived.

Unlike my two devil-imprinted slithering friends, these six are very inquisitive and playful. And, of course, any animal that can’t kill or maim me is entitled to the most luxurious accommodations I can provide. Their individual homes have state-of-the-art heating systems, spacious enclosures within their enclosures if they need some alone time, and cute dog bowls that suffice as their heated pools.

Three of the six have names- Newt, Annie with an E, and Alle. The other three have yet to do something drastic, so they are snake 1, snake 2, and snake 3.

Because they are a little more pleasant to be around, they have been given the honor of their own room. Which was inconvenient for me because my desk was banned to the dark corner of the living room. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise because my four-legged friends have easy access to remind me to play with them, walk them, feed them, and be at their beck and call.

The unfortunate part is that the two packages of death are stationed behind me in their enclosures, so I had to install a mirror on the wall; that way, I can watch them. They are smart, and I would not put it past them that they spend their evenings planning a great escape.

So, I now have eight snakes, two dogs, a moody teenager, and a husband who keeps showing me pictures of more spacious houses for sale. He explains that he is doing it so I can have my own office again, but I am on to his plan. He wants more snakes.

I will admit when we started this path of owning our own business, complete with an educational blog that I will oversee, I assumed that we would have a storefront. A storefront in a cute part of town where I could walk to the coffee shop for lunch and write my book. I was hoping to develop a cute business name and design the enclosures so that people could feel at ease when looking at and learning about snakes. Of course, three employees would do the cleaning and feeding, leaving me to do my own thing- not taking care of snakes.

Nope! Jokes on me.

I spent an hour last night cleaning out the enclosures because, much to my dismay, snakes can’t go outside to go potty.

Second thing I have learned- you really have to do everything for these pets. And I recently found out that for not having legs, they are quick to crawl their way into some shady situations. Annie with an E curled up around a hammer last night and got scared when she touched the cold end of it. She attacked, the hammer stood its ground, hammer won the battle. We had to put her away quickly.

Newt is in the middle of a shed, which means that she is partially blind, and she slid herself behind the bookshelf and couldn’t find her way out.

Aelle has abandonment issues, and she latched onto Nick’s watch and refused to let go.

The other three remained in their enclosures and poked their heads out to watch the festivities. They are currently my favorites.

The biggest news is that I am 97% done with my book and ready to start editing. Fingers crossed!

I haven’t had much time to do my historical blogs with everything going on, which bums me out. I blame it on the fact that I must work. I didn’t a couple of months ago, but now I do. Have you seen the price of milk lately? Ridiculous.

I assume we will continue the saga of owning snakes and dogs as pets as the weeks go by. My dogs are on my shit list at the moment. They would frolic in the freezing weather in Alaska, playing happily in the snow mounds. In Washington? They have become divas and refuse to get their paws wet, so they refuse to go potty outside.

I now have to lure them outside with treats, quickly shut the door, and stand out in the rain until they do what they need to do. Kool Kat Kona is catching on quickly because she loves treats. But it has become a battle of wits between Puppy Polar Bear and me. I would say I was winning, but I woke up with a sore throat and fever, and Puppy Polar Bear happily sits on the couch, smiling at me.

He may have won this battle! But I will win the war!

The post Two dogs, eight snakes… What can go wrong? appeared first on R.L. Geer-Robbins- Author.

There are a few things in this world I could do without-

1. People who say they will call and don’t.

2. Children that scream in public.

3. Liver.

4. Spiders or any creepy crawlers with more than four legs.

5. People who are always late.

And snakes!

I am not an enthusiastic fan of snakes. Maybe it is how they curl up into a tiny ball hidden among the trees or bushes, waiting for unexpected prey. Or perhaps it’s the way they can unnaturally open their mouths to fit something three times its size. Regardless of the reason- snakes have never been on my radar as pets.

I am now the proud owner of two.

You might ask, why do I have two snakes if I am not a fan of them? In all honesty, I am not sure. A whirlwind of events led me to this point in my life, and I am not even sure where to start the story.

About a month ago, an idea was born in my home…an idea to start a business. I was hoping for a bookstore/bakery or a cute little storefront where I sold fancy cheese, crackers, and good local beer. Something to bid my time as I struggle to finish the last few chapters of my book and become a world-famous author. Other than those three things, I don’t have much to offer in the world of a small business owner. Honestly, I never wanted to have that much responsibility since leaving the Army. I would rather sit on the sidelines, invisible to everyone, happy in my imagination and coffee addiction.

My husband, on the other hand, has many passions. Brewing beers, motorcycles, fishing, saltwater fish tanks, hunting, gaming, hobby farms, boats, and restoration. The restoration portion has never worked out. I always find we spend more money than what he sells it for. Not one to deny happiness, I have always gone along with the new hobby. Understanding that within 6-7 months, everything we have bought will be sold for a discount, and then we will move on.

The oldest passion he always circles back to is for reptiles—snakes in particular.

Yes, snakes. Those lovely pint-size bundles of joy that love to bite, hiss, and throw a royal hissy fit if you walk by them too quickly.

It took me weeks to buy off on this new project. Weeks of nodding, trying to understand scientific words, and pretending to think a particular no-legged creature was ‘beautiful’. One night about a month ago, as I was trying to tie together a mythical Merlin to a librarian (chapter 22 in my book), I was asked if I would like to head to Portland, Oregon to a Reptile Show. Waving over my shoulder and agreeing to anything and everything if he would just stop talking enough for me to describe a coffee shop- I found myself driving 4.5 hours this weekend into another state to go ‘look at’ snakes.

Promise number 1- I won’t spend over $2,000.00.

Promise number 2- I won’t buy anything until after we walk the whole show.

Promise number 3- I will take you to the world’s biggest bookstore.

Broken promises!

3.5 hours into the show, we had already spent $3,200.00 on new snakes and enclosures within the first three booths. Not just any snakes. Not the pleasant snakes that people walk around with and you can hold. No! We got the two vicious Tree Boa Snakes that you can’t touch, look at, make sudden movements around, or be in a 50-yard radius. At one point, while we were shopping for the ‘perfect’ tree branches for them, I was asked to leave a booth because the female was attacking the container, I was carrying her in, and it was freaking out the kids. And yes, I was the one carrying them around because I have no idea about heat lamps, misters, tall snake cages, or anything that had to do with feeding. So, my job was to babysit.

Before you start feeling bad for me, I must admit that I bonded with the two snakes during that 45-minute period of stress. They weren’t mean; they were sick of being cooped up in a plastic container with no way to stretch out. These snakes are over four feet tall, and they were cramped. The female is actually gorgeous when you take the time to watch her, and the male is interested in everything.

And while I do not believe we are besties by any stretch of the imagination, I did start to like them a little. Enough so that I blasted the heat on the way back so they could be comfortable on the drive. And then I made my husband buy them the best fake plants money could buy, so they felt more comfortable in their hiding spots.

My youngest even got in on the new family pet- naming them both for us and then proceeding to run when it was time to move them into their new homes.

So, now I am the proud owner of two Tree Boas and two dogs. And I am sure you are asking — How does having two Tree Boas help with a small business? Honestly, I am not sure. Something about breeding and recessive genes will pull a clown Tree Boa. Or would its prominent genes give them dark coloring and light eyes? I don’t know; I just know I now have two pet snakes and no money to start a small business.

I hope this book I am writing sells…

Fascinating FactsThey have good eyesight, which enables them to hunt during the day, and large infrared receptors, which enables them to sense heat and hunt at night.Amazon tree boas, also known as garden tree boas, are an aggressive species that will bite when approached.They are ambush hunters and will hang from a branch in an “S” shape and strike at prey.Physical Characteristics

Males and females are similar in size and markings. The average length is between 47 – 59 inches. They come in a wide variety of colors and patterns.

Habitat/Diet

Amazon tree boas are found in the Amazon region of South America, including Columbia east of Andes, southern Venezuela, Guyana, Suriname, French Guiana, Ecuador, Peru, Brazil, Bolivia, Trinidad & Tobago, and Costa Rica. They live in forests with high humidity as well as savannas or dry forests. They prefer to stay in trees, but also have been observed on the forest floor. They feed on birds, bats, frogs, rodents, lizards and marsupials.

Social Behavior

Males will shed their skin and engage in “tail writhing” as part of their courtship behavior. The gestation period is 6 – 8 months, after which the female will give birth to live young. There is no parental involvement after birth and young will reach sexual maturity at 3 years.

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