Cheryl Rainfield's Blog, page 110

I'm glad the day exists, though I wonder how many people know about it. Self-harm is something that not a lot of people talk about, and when they do, there's often shame. People often respond to self-harm with anger, blame, disgust, attempts at control…or they just don't know what to do.

There are a few things I think it's really important to know:


Self-harm is NOT acting out, manipulation, or a failed suicide attempt; the person is usually trying to cope with great emotional distress, and trying to feel better.;


One of the most helpful responses to self-harm is coming from a place of compassion. It also helps to educate yourself about self-harm.

More people are becoming aware of self-harm, and more people are responding in ways that help–but there are so many teens using self-harm that feel like they're the only one, feel like no one understands them. I've received so many reader letters telling me that. So if you know someone who's used self-harm–or even if you don't–I hope you'll take a minute or two to read some tips on self-harm, and perhaps be better prepared when you come across it. And for those of you who have used self-harm–I hope you know, and can take in, that you don't deserve to be hurt–not ever, not by anyone–not even yourself! I also hope you'll find ways to treat yourself with the same love and compassion that you would a friend. It's hard, it takes time–but it's worth it. You are!

Check out my tips on self-harm:

Helpful Responses to Someone Who's Used Self-Harm

How To Stop Self-Harming

Alternatives To Self-Harm

and my detailed article What To Do When You Feel Like Hurting Yourself

Another *fantastic* resource on understanding self-harm is Secret Shame. It is the first site I send anyone, and one of the best-written sites with the greatest (in my opinion) understanding of self-harm, its causes and effects.

If you're looking for a more detailed insider view of self-harm, you might consider picking up my book Scars.

I wrote a letter to my teen self at Dear Teen Me. I hope you'll check it out.

It also features some of the art I did as a teen, including one drawing I mentioned in Scars.

My tips on dealing with self-harm are now up on my site. (I had some technical difficulties with my redesigned site.) These are the tips I wrote that are on the back of my three bookmarks. If you know someone who is dealing with or has dealt with self-harm, you may find it helpful to read "Helpful Responses to Someone Who's Self-Harmed".

If you yourself use self-harm, or have in the past, you may want to read "Alternatives to Self-Harm" or How To Stop Self-Harming. These are all things that helped me. I hope they'll help you, or someone you know.

is a book I wish I'd had as a child and teen. It diffuses an incredible amount of valuable writing technique and advice into short, pithy paragraphs. If a reader isn't yet ready to listen seriously to writing advice, or doesn't want to take the time, there are short verses on every page that sum up some of the advice. But if a reader does read the text on each page, they will absorb a LOT about how story works, and how to make it better.

The first two pages are more about history–of the alphabet and books–but then, starting with the third letter, C, we get into Character, including a reminder that it's the character who pulls us in and keeps us reading; characters need to be rounded, not flat; a writer needs to know their character from the inside out, and much more. The text is not simplified by taking out important information, but rather imparts deep information in easy-to-understand text. The entire book delves into techniques that make a story work. The book is also an alphabet book, which can be read with just the simple rhyming verses for a younger child, or explored more with the paragraphs of text with an older child or mature reader.

The illustrations are beautiful, with a great sense of atmosphere and feeling. The paintings are stylized, with the heads of children appearing much larger in proportion to their bodies than they actually are. The faces of each character stand out, especially, pulling the reader's eye; the characters are vivid and unique. There is great attention to detail, even the shading of each face and article of clothing. Readers will delight in finding the pen or pencil that appears in almost every illustration; as a writer, I enjoyed that touch. I loved the cover art so much that I sought out the illustrator to purchase it.

I think this is a fantastic book for kids and teens, especially those who want to write. Teachers will find this an incredible resource. I also think it's a good book for serious writers to pick up, those trying to get published. And even for established writers, some of the advice serves as a good reminder. Highly recommended.

source: I purchased this book myself.

There's a new nonprofit organization for children's literacy–KeenReaders, that looks like a great resource. It has a special focus on parents or mentors of reluctant readers, fourth grade and up, but also has pages for kids and teens themselves. There are interviews with YA and middle-grade authors, book reviews, articles, interviews with literacy experts, writing contests, and an ask-an-expert column by YA author Chris Crutcher.

It looks like a site children's and YA book lovers can enjoy.

I just found out–I will be speaking on the ALAN Panel "Books that Are Challenging, and Are Challenged" Nov 21st at 2. Such ironic timing, with Scars being challenged now–and good, too!

I'll be on a panel with Lauren Myracle, Andrew Smith, and Paul Yee. Wow!

There has been SO much support, and so many advocates for Scars not being removed from Boone County Public Library (in light of the recent challenge). I am so grateful to you all!

Amy from Kid's Right to Read Project and ABFFE got detailed information (as you may have already read) from Boone County Public Library about the challenge. Apparently, the patron challenged Scars on the content, saying that it could contain triggers for self-harming teens or those who used to harm themselves but no longer do.

I find this response troubling. As most of you probably know, I used self-harm to cope with the effects of sexual and ritual abuse for many years. It is actually my scarred arm on the cover of Scars. When I cut, I did it in secrecy and shame. I hid it for years, never going to the doctor even when I needed stitches, for fear of what they would do. I was afraid not only of how they would treat me–many times people respond with anger and attempts to shame someone who uses self-harm–but also that they would try to stop me. And for many years, I needed self-harm to help me survive. I used self-harm many times as an alternative to killing myself.

One of the things I found the hardest about self-harm was the secrecy (which reminded me of the secrecy I was forced to keep for the sexual and ritual abuse), the shame, and the feeling so alone, as if I was the only one who had such pain, the only one who coped that way. It is so hard to have emotional pain, and then to have that pain increased by feeling like you're the only one, or like you can't turn to other people to talk about it and receive a compassionate response.

When my wounds had become scars and I had worked through the shame, I went around with my sleeves rolled up. I didn't want to carry around the shame any more, and I didn't want to have to have my past be a secret. I wanted to get people's reactions over with. Sometimes people responded with anger, criticism, disgust, or by trying to shame me. I wanted to know how people stood with me, without having them suddenly find out and react. I also was hoping that I might someday see another person with their scars visible. The rare few times I met someone else out in the world with scarred limbs, I felt less alone. Once I gained a few survivor friends who also used self-harm, I felt that someone finally understood, and I didn't have to explain. That was a wonderful feeling.

Over the years, I heard some beliefs in various communities about self-harm that were not true for me. I heard social workers saying that people who used self-harm should hide their scars because it would trigger other people who used self-harm to hurt themselves. As if self-harm is simply something that we do because we see it. My self-harm came out of trauma and deep emotional pain, and the triggers of my own memories and abuse conditioning. Seeing another person's scars never made me in turn hurt myself. It always made me feel less alone.

But perhaps some people get triggered by seeing others' scars. I understand triggers. There are SO many of them out there in the world for me, created by the abuse and torture I endured. But I don't go around telling people they can't do or say the things that trigger me. If they're friends, I might explain my trigger, hope that they'd understand.

I'm not talking about something like the recent visually graphic YouTube videos of people cutting themselves. I would find that painful, disturbing, and triggering to watch. But showing healed wounds that are scars feels very different to me. As does talking about it in a way that is healing.

Scars is about finding healing and understanding, and sharing that. I shared the deep emotional pain that people who use self-harm come from. I made it as real as I could, because I know it inside out. It is my experience. I showed the many reasons why we can hurt ourselves. And, instead of glossing over self-harm, I showed how painful it is–physically and emotionally–and how it can not only hurt us, but actually endanger us. I spoke from my own experience. I made it as real as I could, in the hopes that people would get it, and have more compassion for themselves or for people who used self-harm.

There are so many things I wanted from Scars. I wanted people who've used self-harm to know that they're not alone, that they can find healing, that they don't deserve to hurt themselves and that they can find safety and manage to stop using self-harm. I wanted them to be able to let go of their shame, to be able to have a way to help people important to them in their lives really understand about self-harm, why they might be using it or had used it. And I wanted people who had never been through self-harm, or sexual abuse, or being queer and feeling alone, to really understand and come away with more compassion.

And I believe I succeeded. I get many letters every week from readers telling me how they felt so alone, or never understood, until they read Scars. I get readers telling me that because of Scars, they've sought out therapy, been able to talk to family and friends, and even been able to reduce or stop using self-harm altogether. And I've had people who have never experienced those things, tell me that they could never understand how someone could hurt themselves–until they read Scars.

As in any community, there will be differing opinions and views of what is right, what is healthy. I understand that. But to try to remove my book–which is about breaking silence, finding healing and safety–feels wrong to me, on so many levels. If you're triggered by something, you find a way to deal with that trigger. You go into therapy, you deal with your past. You don't silence others.

Thank you so much each one of you who has spoken out for Scars. I thank you deeply and fully. I am grateful!

Through Kids Right to Read/ABFFE, which contacted the Boone County Public Library in Kentucky about the challenge to Scars, we've been told that:

"…after they got the patron complaint, they put together a panel of librarians (YA librarian, children's adult – several others; a good range), who convened a meeting to discuss the validity of the challenge. They have already made the decision but have yet to tell the complainer about it…and don't want it getting out yet,…[so] they didn't divulge the outcome." We were told "that no book has ever been pulled from that library." We're also told that we'll know the outcome in a day or so.

We also found out that "the patron complained because of the content," believing "that the book could contain triggers for self-harming teens or those who used to harm themselves but no longer do." Perhaps there is the unfounded fear that "This could make kids cut themselves!" (a ridiculous assertion) or perhaps it's a relatively (if misguided) legitimate concern from a parent or teen."

I'd like to make some things clear.

Scars is still under review at Boone County Public Library. But it's under review because a patron–a member of the public–made a challenge against Scars. The library has to review Scars because of this challenge.

I assumed that everyone would know that the complaint was made by a patron–that's how it works. But apparently some people thought it meant that the library was challenging the book, and I'm sorry for any confusion!

Librarians are our advocates. They buy our books in the first place, and they fight for the right to keep our books on their shelves! I am so grateful for librarians–and especially grateful to Boone County Public Library for buying 4 copies of Scars in the first place, and then for letting me know about this challenge of Scars.

I certainly don't want Scars removed from the shelves, and I will always fight censorship. But the censorship comes from individuals, the general public–who perhaps have their own prejudices, and maybe truths they can't face. But I want to be clear: libraries and librarians are our friends and they fight for us in these situations.

I think it helps the library to have people stand up for Scars, for them to hear that there is such strong advocacy to keep Scars on the shelves. I'm hoping that with the power of our voices, we will help the Boone County library fight this challenge and keep Scars on their shelves.

So, please, if you contact the library, or write/blog about them, please remember that they are our *advocates* in this. Our allies and friends. And thank them for fighting to keep the book in their collection and available to the teens who want–and need–to read it.

And thank you so very much, everyone, for helping to fight censorship, and helping to make sure Scars isn't removed. I am so grateful to you all!

Scars is being challenged at Boone County Public Library in KY. This makes me sad and angry. Preventing any teen or reader from reading a book that might help them, might speak to them, seems so wrong to me.

When I was a teen, being horribly abused, I felt so alone and isolated. Alone in being sexually and ritually abused, alone in being queer, and alone in using self-harm to cope with horrendous abuse. Feeling like you're the only one of any traumatic, hurtful, or shameful experience is painful. When you add social shaming on top of that, for all of those issues, it can feel unbearable. I desperately needed to know I wasn't alone, and as an avid reader, I searched for reflections of my own experience in books. I never found it, not the way I needed–but I did find bits of experience that I could identify with, even though they weren't my own, in books like Judy Blume's Blubber (I identified with being bullied as a teen, since I was), Lois Duncan's Down A Dark Hall (I knew what it was like to have the adults around me show one social face, while doing horrible things in secret), Anne of Green Gables (being initially unloved) and many more. Those books are part of what helped me survive my abusive childhood and teenhood. But I still, always, searched for a book that would be more true to my experiences. I never found it–and that is a big part of why I wrote Scars. It was a book I needed for myself.

It turns out that it was a book that many other teens needed, as well. I get a number of reader letters every week, and in so many of them, I hear from teens who have been in emotional pain and felt utterly alone in the world and not understood by anyone until they read Scars. Many of those teens also tell me that after reading Scars, they have managed to stop using self-harm, or reduce self-harm, and many of them have been able, for the first time, to talk to others about their pain, or go into therapy. Those letters are such a gift–knowing that Scars is actively bringing positive change into so many lives. Many of the teens experienced abuse, but some did not. Some were simply queer, or in emotional distress, and didn't have another outlet.

Since self-harm is usually kept a secret–there is so much societal shame and blame around it–many people who self-harm go years without getting help. I believe that talking about the painful issues is one way to encourage people to find someone to talk to, and to get help.

I've also heard from many readers who have never been abused and never experienced self-harm themselves. Some of them have known friends who've used self-harm, and after reading Scars, they understand a bit better, have more compassion, and feel more equipped to help their friends. Many other teens have not known anyone who used self-harm, but write to me saying that they have more compassion for people in pain, in general. And a few people have told me that before they read Scars, they could not understand how anyone could ever hurt themselves, but after reading Scars, they got it. I have been hearing, over and over, how much Scars is helping others; it is what I hoped for, and more. To remove Scars from the bookshelves means preventing a lot of teens from finding understanding, safety, and encouragement to find help. It means preventing others from having a bit more compassion for their fellow students. Scars is a book I desperately needed as a teen–and it is clear to me that many, many teens also need it. Keeping it from teens is a reinforcement that no, you're not okay as you are. That you should feel shame for being abused, being queer, or coping in a way that hurts yourself. For being different. Removing Scars, is, to me, removing some compassion, insight, and understanding from the world.

I hope you'll join me in raising your voice against censorship. Please consider tweeting, blogging, FaceBooking (is that a word?), or in any way you can, helping to get the word out about this. I hope readers who need Scars will keep finding a way to get it.