Maria Lima's Blog, page 11

Oh, yeah, guess it is.

Woke up freezing this a.m. – I'd kicked off most of the covers during the night. Brrrrrr, chilly! It's in the 20s this a.m. (Fahrenheit), winter has definitely settled in for a spell. I'm fine with that as I can wear my warm hoodies from Junonia. It's one of my favorite online stores, since they have active wear for plus size women. Not that I'm all that active these days, but it's comfy and well-made, even if a bit on the pricey side.

I did a lot of sleeping over the weekend, making up for lost time, no doubt. Doc gave me a muscle relaxant to take at night, in hopes of kicking the pain cycle. My back muscles have been tending to spasm horribly. I've got a mild painkiller for daytime (which doesn't make me sleepy or woozy), so whee? I truly hate being on so many meds.

Sliding back into angry mode about this whole disease business. It's making me crazy. Now I've got to see a cardiologist to test for/rule out (hopefully!) pulmonary hypertension. It's basically high blood pressure in the lungs, not the heart. Although my lung function tests indicated that my lung capacity is up (by a lot), I still am getting shortness of breath when I walk/do stuff.

This is TOUGH to deal with.

I guess I wanted a magic pill. The prednisone is obviously working (e.g., the increased lung test), but my symptoms aren't abating. All this equals an unhappy me. I've gone from happy, healthy Maria to having to see multiple doctors Maria. Bah.

Trying to take this one slow step at a time, to be zen about it. I know I'm doing everything I can on my part, sometimes though, one's body just doesn't respond the way one wants. That's probably the hardest pill to swallow.

I'll get over it. I know I will, it's just that for right now, this moment, I'm a bit disheartened.

Here are some interesting things said by other people since today, I am she of little brain. I seem to have brought home a cold from the hospital. Bah, humbug.

I'm going to cocoon today, watch shows I've DVRd (Grimm, Fringe), read, call my mom to wish her a "happy birthday", and otherwise just rest.

I shall leave you with photos from the scene (aka sleep study):

I'm writing this on Wednesday night, since tomorrow (Thursday) night, I'll be at Virginia Hospital Center Sleep Clinic for a sleep study, then on Friday morning, I will hie myself downstairs to my pulmonologist's office for a follow up pulmonary function test (PFT).

I'll probably take my iPad with me, but won't be blogging from the hospital. Look for me on Facebook & Twitter, though.

So, what's up in your world? What are you thinking, talking, ranting about?

This is not a post about physical media vs. digital media. My take on that? I'm all for ALL media channels/distribution. It's not a zero sum game.

That said, being a person living in a fairly small place (and have done for nearly 12 years), the lack of storage is a huge factor for me. I want to continue to build up my digital library so I can save space for the physical books & DVDs that I want to keep.

However, in some cases, this is proving to be a perfect pain in the patootie.

Why, pray tell, are some movies not available digitally when they are available on DVD? I'm not talking about golden oldies (aka, pre-digital age), but fairly recent offerings. Why can't I buy say, Bride & Prejudice? If there's already a digital file, why not make it available for purchase/rental/streaming?

I do understand about older movies, shows and books. I'm all for creators renegotiating royalties for a different medium that didn't exist when the original contracts were signed. I can be patient (mostly!). But more recent TV/movies? C'mon, it's not rocket science. Give your viewers options. I'm pretty sure you'll make money.

And, don't even get me started on shows/movies from other-than- [insert your country here] not being available for MONTHS after airing. Doctor Who, Downton Abbey, Merlin… the list is long and tedious. I absolutely hate these stupid country/region rules. In today's world, it makes no sense whatsoever and encourages acquisition by less than ethical means.

I want to be able to purchase & watch these shows and discuss with my UK friends while they are airing. Not months later. By the time some of these air in the US, my UK peeps have long since moved on. To me, fostering online discussion & interest is a great way to entice new viewers. Why is this so bloody difficult to understand?

Yes, I do know that these are the problems of the privileged. I acknowledge this. Doesn't change the facts, though. I'm still cranky.

/ranty mcrantypants

Yes, pretty much this:

Ten Life Lessons from Doctor Who.

It's BACK!!!

One of my favorite shows has returned. Downton Abbey, which garnered much critical and popular acclaim has returned to PBS.

Thanks to the kindness of the Intarwebz/friends, I was able to watch the entirety of series 2 over the weekend. (It aired in the UK already). Yes, I utterly mainlined this show like the absolute crack it is.

Series 2 is all about WWI and all the social/cultural changes it wreaks amongst our favorite characters.

Remember Torchwood's saying: Everything changes?

This is how it is for Downtown now. It's all different and series 2 is all about how the various personalities handle the upheavals.

SUCH a great show.

Here's a review on Jezebel (1st episode only).

Interesting article over at Slate.

Do you watch Downton Abbey? What do you like/dislike about the show?

Sometimes, I like to cook. I don't mean in the "what shall I have for dinner" sense, but in the "what concoction can I cobble together for a huge stewpot" sense.

I love one-pot cooking. I love slow cooker cuisine. If you can mush it all together and have it turn out tasty, that's my thing.

One of my favorite sites is AllRecipes.com. They've pretty much got something for everyone and various ways of searching, including the very useful "by ingredients" mode.

A favorite was this slow cooker pulled pork. Absolutely divine.

Another site I follow is Feast For One, a blog penned and occasionally updated by fellow author Dana Stabenow. One of my staples and go-to meals: Utility Belt Penne. She totally pwned me with this recipe and I've made variations of it countless times.

I'm a bit of a cookery snob. I like to only use fresh ingredients, do things from scratch. It's no wonder I don't actually cook very often, but when I do, I go all out and it's usually quite yummy.

What are some of your favorite one-pot meals?

Note: the pic above is from Dana's blog post.

Today, I am reading Sir Richard Branson's Screw Business As Usual.

I rarely read business type books, mostly because I get so tired of the peppy jargon and sometimes silly trends wrapped up in consultant-speak.

This book is different. It's about how Branson (Chair of the Virgin Group) is and has been creating business as a force for good.

He says a lot of smart things about how business can help – not by doling out money to charities, but to help create sustainable solutions by education and inspiration.

I think most of us want to make a difference in the world. We're not billionaires, not even millionaires – at least most of us aren't and won't ever be. How can we help? How can we contribute and give back, pay it forward.

I blogged a little about what I've done in a previous post. In reading Branson's book, I can also see that buying/patronizing companies who also subscribe to his philosophies is important.

What companies/vendors/suppliers do you use and why?

Great news!

My Agatha award nominated short story, The Butler Didn't Do It, is now available for the Kindle & Kobo. It's been out on B&N and iBookstore, but just got posted other places.

The story was my very first published work of fiction. It appeared in the original Chesapeake Crimes anthology and garnered an Agatha nomination for Best Short Story of 2004. In the foreword to the anthology, the most awesome Ms. Laura Lippman says: "…Maria Lima serves up 'The Butler Didn't Do It,' injecting fresh blood into the oh-so-traditional English manor house mystery."

What happens when your weird cousin sends you a telegram stating that your aunt's dead and the butler did it? Lindsay Graham discovers that there's more in store than a traditional English funeral and the requisite neighborhood gathering. Way more.

Here's where to purchase:

If you do buy & read, I'd love it if you'd leave a review on one of the above sites!

I used to be one of those people. You know, healthy. And arrogant about it.

Yeah, I've always been "a big girl" (aka, fat), but I was the "good" kind: healthy (great blood pressure, cholesterol, etc), if not obsessively active, I wasn't a great lump of lumphood – I could easily walk for a long time without getting tired. I had tons of energy. I was strong.

Did I say arrogant? Oh yeah, baby. Totally. I didn't understand why everyone couldn't just get up from the couch and move, dance, walk. If I could, they most certainly could.

And then, it struck. Chronic illness. Oh, not to me, not yet. To my mom (osteoarthritis) first. She went from a woman who loved the outdoors & activity to barely being able to walk 10 feet without stopping. Two bionic knees later, she's active!woman – easy peasy fix, right? (yes, I'm being sarcastic with a dose of self-stupidity).

Then, a close friend went from being able to (albeit slowly) walk with me and manage the ridiculous amount of walking & movement required at conventions to barely being able to get from the hotel bed to the bathroom without stopping due to back pain and other chronic issues. Over the more than ten years I've known her, I watched her mobility disintegrate. She rides a scooter now.

Was I cured of my arrogance yet? Nope, not completely. I had yet to walk in their shoes.

You see, I'm one of those folks that learn first by watching, then by doing. Evidently, that aspect of my being had to come into play with health, as well.

A few years ago, the doing part of my learning began. I suddenly started to lose breath when I walked long distances. My brain chalked it up to a more sedentary life. I was working full time plus writing. Not getting out as much. I was getting fatter (I really wasn't). I was getting older (well, yeah).

Then I developed some issues, all of which I chalked up to perimenopause. Aha! That was it. Only temporary, I reasoned. It'll soon be over.

A few years went by and the situation got worse instead of better. I had problems breathing. I had problems sleeping. I chalked it all up to work stress & sinus issues. I got handed anti-depressants (which never actually did much). Then more anti-depressants (still nada).

I eventually weaned myself off the pills and realized I felt better without them. Then, my eye doctor realized that my recurring eye inflammation wasn't actually responding all that well to treatment. It would go away, then as we removed the steroid drops, it came back. She knew something else was wrong.

Most of you know this already, I have been diagnosed with pulmonary sarcoidosis, an inflammatory disease that not only affects my lungs, but also comes with bonus!muscle inflammation.

Some days, I can barely get out of bed for the pain – a secondary effect of the inflammation.

When it's cold, it often flares up. As I'm writing this, my lower back muscles are a mass of spasms. I got up, was able to shower and go into work, but I'm a shit ton of no fun right now. I can't take anti-inflammatories (advil, etc) while I'm on the prednisone for the sarcoid. So I'm taking Tylenol. I really, really want a muscle relaxant.

I didn't want this lesson. Didn't want to "do". But it's happened and all my former arrogance has been wiped from me.

When I say I feel for you, I really, really do. Living with chronic illness/chronic pain is debilitating. I could never have imagined how much so. I could sympathize, could worry, but didn't really understand.

I'm beginning to.

I'm starting to grok how a person with chronic illness must pre-plan their day. Is it going to be a good day or a bad day? Will I be able to manage without a cane? Will I be able to make it through a grocery store trip? Can I make it down the hall without pausing?

My friend and fellow writer, Toni L.P. Kelner, blogged about her new heroes recently. Those heroes being folks with chronic illnesses…like me.

Until I read her post, I truly hadn't processed that I was that person now. My illness, my condition wasn't temporary. Sure, it can go into remission, but it won't ever go away.

Some days will be good. Some will not.

I'm going to have to learn to live with those limitations, to be able to say, "No, I can't" and not feel guilty or lesser. To understand that I'm still the same person as I was before and that my illness does not define me, it is only a part of me.

I endured fat hatred for years because I could say – hey, look at me: great health, great mobility. I could feel superior – not a good thing, but as I said, I was in arrogance mode. Fat isn't anymore fatal than life is. I could prove it–then. Now I can't. Prove it, that is.

That part's still true. People can be healthy & fat.

What's wrong with me has nothing to do with how much I weigh. It's an autoimmune disease just as likely to strike the tiny 100-pound gal next to me or the athlete down the hall. But for us folks in western culture, where OMGDeathFats pays for a $60 billion industry that thrives on failure, this is a terrifically difficult pill to swallow.

I wanted to be like Ragen Chastain of Dances With Fat. But I can't now. I may never be able to regain the physical ability I once had and so cavalierly dismissed.

Tough lessons.

I'm perfectly capable of sympathy and understanding to my friends and family with illness or disability. I know that they are awesome people in their entirety, but applying that same feeling to myself? Wow. A lot harder than it sounds. Part of me feels I've failed. I've not managed to hold up the whole fat-and-fit crown. My laurels have faded and broken.

All I can do right now is take life one day, one pill, one doctor visit at a time. I'm still in the "figuring out medicine dosages" stage of things, which leads to uncertainty and side-effects. I'm past the first few stages of grief and working my way into the final stage: acceptance.

As I said above, some days will be easier than others. But as the awesome Bloggess said the other day: the fight goes on. And I, for one, intend to do my absolute best to win each daily battle, whether it's something simple or more complex.

In the immortal words of the New Riders of the Purple Sage, I plan to just Keep on Keepin' on.

Because I know (most of the time) that I am and continue to be awesome. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.