Tracey Garvis Graves's Blog, page 12

Happy Friday everyone!

On the Island is now available in trade paperback.

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See the little box above? If you pull up the Amazon listing for On the Island, scroll down a bit and you'll see that underneath the Kindle edition it says paperback. Click on it and it will take you to the listing for the book. Want to head over to Amazon now? Click here.

If you'd prefer to read the book electronically, you can choose the Kindle option. If you don't have a Kindle you can still read the ebook by downloading one of these free reading apps.

If you're a NOOK user, you can by the NOOK book here.

I've got two signed copies of On the Island to give away and Matthew and Lauren are *dying* to draw more names out of a hat. Here's how to enter: share this on Facebook by copying and pasting the link into your status update or by using the little share button thingie, mention it on your blog, tweet it, or e-mail the news to someone and copy me in (my e-mail address is [email protected]). You'll automatically be entered to win, but please leave me a comment here or on Facebook so that I don't miss anyone. You have until midnight Saturday night, and winners will be announced by noon on Sunday. Copies will be hand-delivered if you're local, or mailed as soon as the post office opens on Monday.

I also have a new author page on Facebook. If you get a chance, please stop by and "like" me. And if you're on Goodreads click here to send me a friend request. Goodreads is a wonderful place to discover new books and new authors.

I'd like to take a moment to thank everyone who has bought the ebook of On the Island. I truly appreciate the outpouring of support I've received since the book was released. I've made a lot of new friends and every time a reader sends me an e-mail to tell me how much they liked the book, I totally squee! I count my blessings. I want to give an extra-special thank you to those of you who have chosen On the Island for your book club selection. I am honored.

I'm grateful that so many of you have connected with T.J. and Anna. After spending 18 months with them I'm having a hard time letting them go, but it's getting easier because I've got brand new characters to keep me busy.

Covet. Fall 2012.
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What if the life you wanted, and the woman you fell in love with, belonged to someone else?

Have a great weekend everyone, and thanks for stopping by!

Tracey

As a debut indie author, I depend heavily on reader reviews. The more reviews I receive, the more likely a reader is to take a chance on me, especially if the reviews are positive.

A favorable review is a helpful tool for prospective readers. It gives peace of mind and lets them know ahead of time what kind of reading experience they can expect to have. When I buy a book on Amazon, I pay attention to not only the number of stars given, but more importantly, what the reviews say about the book. I want to know if the book is well written, with fully developed characters and a plot that is fast-paced and engaging.

But sometimes I need more from a review. I have an ever-shrinking amount of time to read these days, so if I'm on the fence about choosing a book, I read the reviews carefully, looking for not only the positive attributes of the story, but also answers to any questions I might have. The question is usually, "I'm not sure if I'll like this book due to _______." Sometimes it's because the genre may not be one I usually read, and I'm looking for a review to sell me on it. Maybe it's because I'm not sure if I'll like the subject matter or premise. Sometimes it's because I'm skeptical of the recommendation become I've been burned by the source too many times (I'm looking at you People Magazine). Reading a book's reviews to see if any of these questions are answered will usually make or break my decision to buy it. A favorable review is a wonderful tool, but I've come to realize just how important informative reviews are. This type of review goes beyond whether the reader liked the story, and examines in more detail why they decided to read the book.

I've received several informative reviews for On the Island. One of them was from Raven. She wrote:

"I was hesitant to buy this book but after reading all the reviews I decided to read it. I started reading it last night & read until my eyes wouldn't stay open. I stopped because I didn't want to miss a word of this book. During the night I woke up several times thinking about the book...couldn't get it off my mind. I just finished the book and I can honestly say I haven't read a book this good in so long. What they endured on the island was so real. I loved TJ & Anna. I can't wait for the author's next book although I don't know how she can top this one. If you haven't read this book, read it, you won't be disappointed."

The reason I like this review so much is twofold: for one, it's a wonderful review that brought tears to my eyes when I read it. I didn't know who Raven was, but I greatly appreciated the fact that she read On the Island and then took the time to leave a review. What I also liked was that she was honest. She didn't know whether or not she wanted to read the book (unanswered question: Will I like this book?). She used favorable reviews to help her decide, and she wasn't disappointed. But the other thing I like about this review is the fact that she admitted she wasn't sure if she wanted to read it. She was hesitant. And yet not only did she take a leap of faith and read it anyway, she liked it. A lot.

I know that potential readers who read the product description for On the Island might have some questions. The premise is very easy to have pre-conceived notions about; it's a desert island book with a teacher and her much younger student. They're probably thinking, where in the world is the author going with this? Will I want to go there with her?

I understand this hesitation, and I'm happy to report that those who have read the book know that I didn't take the storyline anywhere they didn't want it to go. They were surprised at how invested they became in the characters. Some of them have reached out to me to ask about a sequel because they want more T.J. and Anna.

I also received this review from heath1005.

"i was very reluctant to read this story, didnt know if i was going to like the premise of the old trapped on a deserted island relationship, especially with the age difference between the characters. i am soooo very glad took the chance though because this story was so much more. i never once thought about the age difference, just the characters. i believed this to happened due to the great amount of detail that went into this book. i found myself feeling as though i was right there with t.j. and anna and felt every triumph defeat and love that they went through during their ordeal on the island. i really loved that it was not all romanticized and perfect especially during the 2nd half of the story. i would highly recommend this story to anyone looking for a great love conquers all story!"

The reason I appreciate these reviews so much (disclaimer: I appreciate ALL my reviews, and I'm grateful to anyone who takes the time to leave one) is because they are answering questions potential readers probably have, too. And they're answering them in a positive way. It's like they addressed the elephant in the room and said, "Yes, the elephant is there but you won't care and you should totally read this book."

Last weekend, Raven reached out to me via e-mail. In her message, she elaborated a bit more on her decision to purchase On the Island. She told me it took her about 3 weeks to finally decide to download it, and she reiterated again how glad she was that she did. She said she wasn't sure if she wanted to read a book about a teacher and a student (which I totally understand, because at one point I thought I was TOTALLY CRAZY for writing one). She said she adored Anna and T.J., and if I hadn't already guessed, she loved the book. Frankly, her e-mail made my entire day.

Raven and heath1005 have done something for On the Island that I couldn't do myself: they've provided a positive and, more importantly, an informative review that will greatly assist other readers in deciding whether or not they want to read On the Island.

As a debut indie author, you can't ask for more than that.

Tracey

P.S. I'm waiting patiently for the paperback version of On the Island to go live on Amazon. I thought it would be out there by now, but it's not. I'll let you know as soon as it shows up :)

Good morning everyone,

Today my friend Amanda gave me the most awesome shout out on the Magic and Mayhem blog. I met Amanda on Twitter one night when we were both participating in an #askagent chat. She answered one of my questions and her answer was much nicer than the snarky one I received from someone else. I knew instantly she was the type of person I would get along great with and that first impression has proved to be spot-on. She is truly wonderful and supportive and I'm lucky to have found her.

She is also a kick-ass writer and her debut novel will be available in December (don't call me that day because I will be holed up in front of my fireplace drinking wine and reading it). Click here to check it out!

Amanda also has a blog called Swords, Boots, and Shadows (how cool is that title?). You can check out her blog here.

If I've learned anything in my three years of blogging and two years on Twitter, it's that writers are truly a positive group of people. If I need beta readers my blog followers are quick to volunteer. If I'm not sure of the correct spelling of whiskey (or is is whisky?), I can tweet a request for help and receive a helpful answer in no time (majority vote: whiskey).

I've met so many incredible and talented people on the Internet, and it's like having a network of awesomeness I can tap whenever I need an answer to a writing-related question or just a pick-me-up that will be sure to put a smile on my face.

Amanda sure did that today. Because she's awesome.

Tracey

Dear dude that delivers my mail,

Are you high?

No, really. Are you? Because I can think of no other reason why you are so completely horrible at your job. I mean, you totally suck at it.

When we built our house six years ago, I was overjoyed to discover that my 'hood utilized a safe and secure clusterbox system for the receipt of incoming mail. Accessible only by key, I'd never have to worry about valuable mail going missing due to the sticky fingers of a random, passing kleptomaniac or a roving band of marauding thirteen-year-old boys who think it's hysterical to steal mail.

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However, clusterbox notwithstanding, why the hell are you so incompetent Mr. Postman? I understand that you may have a substance abuse problem but there are plenty of 12-step programs to assist you in kicking whatever it is you're smoking/drinking/huffing while on the job. There are like, sponsors and everything.

And lest you think I'm being a total bitch, let me list the ways in which you suck.

Three years ago you failed to deliver the tax returns that my accountant lovingly prepared. No worries though, you sent them to my neighbor and she was nice enough to walk them across the street to me. Fine. Whatever. At that point I put you on probation, but no real harm done.

However, a few months later a four-figure check destined for me was delivered to yet a different neighbor. I sensed a pattern developing and I WAS NOT A FAN. Luckily, my neighbor is one of my best friends so the check made its way to me safely. I cursed you, but I got over it.

But then, THEN! you misplaced another check a week ago (this one also containing 4 figures) and the only reason I knew about it is because the sender of said check called me up and said, "Yeah, the check I tried to send you just got returned. It says on the front that there's no such address." I expect this bullshit from MapQuest but not you, Mr. Postman, considering you drive by my house and cram a bunch of unwanted mail into my clusterhole every damn day. For instance, I don't seem to miss out on a single issue of the American Girl catalog, therefore Veruca Salt Lauren continues to announce, loudly, upon spotting it: "I want another American Girl doll Mummy and I want it now!" (pretend you read that last line with an English accent. DO IT!). Also, the eleventy-billion requests Discover Card has been sending since 1991 appear on a daily basis as do 47,000 advertisements for car insurance and 97 carpet cleaning coupons. So it's not like you aren't capable of putting my mail in slot #3. You totally are.

And you know what else? I'm tired of getting "Gary's" mail every day. Though "Gary" starts with the same consonant as both of my last names, mixing our mail together all willy-nilly because there are some "G's" sprinkled on it is a quality control fail of the sloppiest kind. I mean, isn't sorting the mail according to our names kind of the number one thing in your job description? You have managed to turn my safe and secure clusterbox into something else entirely. I have given it a new name and trust me when I say I am *not* amused.

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So consider this your final warning. I'm watching you, and if I see your little Cheech and Chong mail truck making its way down my street belching little puffs of dooby-smoke, the floor littered with Cheetos and Twinkie wrappers, I will chase you down and stab you with my kitchen scissors thus giving new meaning to the phrase "going postal".

However, if you can straighten up and fly right (and put down the giant bong), I'm willing to let bygones be bygones.

Peace out,

Tracey

***Edited to add that links are not all clicky. You'll have to copy and paste. Blame Blogger. I have (it's probably my fault, though).

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Good morning and happy Friday everyone! My debut novel went live on Amazon and Barnes and Noble this week and I'd like to welcome you to the virtual launch party for On the Island.

Time: Now until 11:59 p.m. tonight.

Place: The Interwebz (Facebook, Twitter, blogs, etc...) If you're reading this but we aren't already Facebook friends, send me a friend request! You can never have too many friends (or too much wine, am I right?) Also, are you following me on Twitter? If you'd like to, my Twitter handle is @tgarvisgraves.

Dress code: Island wear, naturally. I know a few of you will probably arrive full of Captain Morgan rum but sans pants but that's okay because it's virtual.

So, how does a virtual launch party work?

Well, first of all, check out the book on Amazon. If you click on the book cover in my sidebar in the upper-left hand corner, it will take you right to it.

Or, if you're a Nook user, here's the link for the listing on Barnes and Noble (sorry, you'll have to copy and paste. Blogger is not letting me insert the link. Or I'm too tired this morning and I'm doing something wrong).

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books...

There will also be a paperback edition, but it has not been released yet.

So if the paperback isn't out yet, and I don't have an e-reader, how can I read On the Island?

There are several free Amazon apps you can use to read On the Island. This one is my favorite:

***You'll have to copy and paste links. Thanks for nothing, Blogger.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/kindle/pc/re...

It's the Kindle app for PC. Before I got my Kindle, I downloaded this app to my laptop and read many, many books on it, sitting in my comfy reading chair. When I got my Kindle all my ebooks transferred to it which was super cool. But if you've been thinking about buying an e-reader now is the time (and not just because I wrote a book you can read on it). You can get a Kindle for as low as $114 and YOU WILL LOVE IT. Here are some links for other devices that you can download free Kindle apps to:

Copy and paste:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/kindle/iphon... (iphone), http://www.amazon.com/kindlebb_lnd_dtl (BlackBerry), http://www.amazon.com/gp/kindle/ipad (ipad), and http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html... (Android). Personally, I'd rather stab myself in the eye than read a whole book on my smartphone, but that's just me.

There are a whole bunch of free apps for Nook too. http://www.barnesandnoble.com/u/free-...

Now, back to the virtual launch part of the party. I will be pasting this blog post into my Facebook status update and I'm asking anyone who'd like to participate in the launch to copy and paste my link into their status update, too. That way, all their Facebook friends can check out the book. If you've read On the Island, make sure and mention that, too.

Many of you have already done this and I am so very appreciative. If you have, there is no need to do it again, but I do want you to know that your fabulous PR has already garnered me several sales. And some of the people that have purchased the book have finished it and sent me messages on Facebook about how much they enjoyed it. I don't know if you understand exactly how it feels to get feedback like that. It's surreal, actually, and it makes me so happy I want to cry. Reviews are starting to trickle in and that is the single most important thing you can do to help a debut author. For that I thank you.

And because you have all done so much for me, there will be prizes awarded when the virtual launch party is done.

If you copy and paste my status into your Facebook status, or you tweet about my book, or you link to it on your blog or just WHATEVER, please let me know about it. You can leave a comment on Facebook, include @tgarvisgraves on Twitter, or you can comment on this blog post. I will be putting the names of everyone who participated in a hat and will let the offspring draw two names on Saturday morning (this will include those of you who have already told your Facebook friends - I've been keeping track). There will have to be two winners because the offspring will have a knock-down, drag-out fight about who gets to draw the name because God forbid only one of them gets to do it.

So, what are the prizes? Well, don't get too excited. Dave put the big kibosh on the prize I really wanted to give, so we'll have to settle for two $50 gift cards (one per winner). I'll have plenty of options to choose from and I'll notify the winners on Facebook sometime Saturday (in between drinking beer and watching the Iowa game). So, maybe Saturday late afternoon.

I want to thank everyone again. On the Island has been 18 months in the making and it has been a wonderful experience. Many of you have been so supportive throughout the process and I'm lucky to have such great friends.

So, happy Friday everyone! Let's launch this thing.

Tracey

P.S. Please don't think I'm ignoring anyone today. I'll be at work, so I won't be able to interact on Facebook until I get home. I can use my BlackBerry at lunchtime to moderate blog comments or check tweets, but that's about it. But I'll be there in spirit, and I'll lift my virtual wine glass to you. Cheers!

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Happy fiction Friday (and Labor Day weekend) everyone!

I wanted to show you the awesome cover my blogging bestie Penne made for me (blogger wouldn't let me upload the PDF, so I had to settle for the JPEG. It looks much clearer on my computer screen so I'm not sure why it doesn't show up better here, but you get the general idea). You can also click on it a couple times to make it bigger.

Here's the jacket copy/product description:

When thirty-year-old English teacher Anna Emerson is offered a job tutoring T.J. Callahan at his family's summer rental in the Maldives, she accepts without hesitation; a working vacation on a tropical island trumps the library any day.

T.J. Callahan has no desire to leave town, not that anyone asked him. He's almost seventeen and if having cancer wasn't bad enough, now he has to spend his first summer in remission with his family - and a stack of overdue assignments - instead of his friends.

Anna and T.J. are en route to join T.J.'s family in the Maldives when the pilot of their seaplane suffers a fatal heart attack and crash-lands in the Indian Ocean. Adrift in shark-infested waters, their life jackets keep them afloat until they make it to the shore of an uninhabited island. Now Anna and T.J. just want to survive and they must work together to obtain water, food, fire, and shelter. Their basic needs might be met but as the days turn to weeks, and then months, the castaways encounter plenty of other obstacles, including violent tropical storms, the many dangers lurking in the sea, and the possibility that T.J.'s cancer could return. As T.J. celebrates yet another birthday on the island Anna begins to wonder if the biggest challenge of all might be living with a boy who is gradually becoming a man.

Next up is the playlist I listened to while I was writing On the Island. I used to play "Roll With the Changes" on repeat, especially in my car, and I wanted to use the first verse as an epigraph at the beginning of a certain chapter but you can't unless you pay for the right to do that and, even more daunting, get the members of REO Speedwagon (or whoever owns the rights) to say it's okay (hello? *waves hand* Kevin Cronin? I have a question for you). That sounds like a lot of work and money. So no epigraph.



I wonder if those of you who have already read On the Island could guess where I would have put the epigraph. It might surprise you.

The rest of these songs all have meaning and it's strange how much a playlist can influence the writing. For Covet, the book I'm writing now, I've been in an adult contemporary phase which is weird because you know I'm a 70's girl.

"Long, Long Way From Home" - Foreigner
"Fins" - Jimmy Buffet
"Island Girl" - Elton John
"Sweet Child 'O Mine" - Guns 'N Roses
"Roll With The Changes" - REO Speedwagon
"Coconuts" - Widespread Panic
"Changes In Attitude, Changes In Latitude" - Jimmy Buffet
"Wish You Were Here" - Pink Floyd
"Don't Drink The Water" - Dave Matthews Band
"Don't Let Him Go" - REO Speedwagon
"Have You Ever Seen The Rain" - Creedence Clearwater Revival
"I'll Be" - Edwin McCain
"Ridin' The Storm Out" - REO Speedwagon

I received my ebooks from the book formatter last night and I'll be able to upload to Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Smashwords on Sunday when there will be a break in our weekend festivities. It will take anywhere from 6-48 hours to go live (although I heard it's usually closer to 24). Next week's focus will be sending everything to Amazon's CreateSpace for the paperback version. I've heard that process can be...difficult. But ignorance is bliss so for now I'm assuming a couple mouse clicks and woo hoo, paperback!

I'm also planning a virtual launch party on Facebook (date: TBD). I am hoping for sometime next week, maybe Friday? A virtual launch party is just a fancy way of asking my Facebook friends to copy the link for my blog post announcing the book's release into their status update so that their friends can check out the listing on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. If you would like to participate in this launch, please let me know. I'd be honored and I would appreciate it so much. I will be holding a random drawing for some fabulous prizes for those who help me launch. If you'd like to be included, please let me know, either by commenting on this blog, or replying on Facebook.

It's a good feeling having this preparation behind me. After 18 months, I'm ready to move on and immerse myself in the new book.

Thanks to all of you who have helped me along the way. Your kind words of encouragement mean a lot. More than you'll ever know, actually.

Have a good weekend!

Tracey

Last night I was channel-surfing in bed and I stumbled upon Animal Planet's Hillybilly Handfishin'. I had watched it the week before, but I was drinking sauvignon blanc distracted by my laptop and didn't pay close attention. I paid more attention last night and I'm glad I did. I think I've already proven I like these kinds of shows. And by these kinds of shows I mean the ones that are over the top and show people experiencing things that most of us can't imagine ever happening in real life. Like those clueless baby mamas on TLC's I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. Remember in THIS POST when I shared my thoughts about that?

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This is a picture of Skipper Bivens, the host of Hillybilly Handfishin'. That's him on the right. My observation? Skipper is one hairy dude. That's his best friend Scooter on the left. I have one burning question: Who the hell named these men? I'm guessing you have to be kind of badass to walk around with these monikers even though I'm pretty sure they're just nicknames. Probably. If someone named Bubba shows up next week I will not be surprised.

The show started off with a tagline: Stick your hand or foot in a hole and you never know what you're gonna find. This is wrong on so many levels. I'm not sticking anything in anywhere unless I know what's waiting for me and that is just good common sense people. And if Hillybilly Handfishin' wasn't a total laugh riot all on its own, in addition to catfish there might be cottonmouth snakes and BULL SHARKS living in those holes. Okay maybe not bull sharks. MAYBE. Plus the water in the stream? river? lake? creek? (or crick if you're a total redneck) looks all brown and poopy, like the catfish live in a giant, dirty toilet bowl.

As most? some? all? of you know, my husband Cowboy Dave hails from Oklahoma. Sort of. He lived there for 8 years and I watched an old videotape of him once and he had an accent which I razzed him about even though it was kinda hot. And being (sort of) from Oklahoma, he knew all about catfish noodling (but swore he'd never done it). I think it's safe to say that all the Oklahoma's been taken out of the boy though because the other night Dave had some wine and watched a pretentious foreign film with sub-titles. Skipper probably drinks Pabst Blue Ribbon and watches rodeo.

The other day a beetle fell out of my ponytail when I was at the pool and I think my lounge chair must have been positioned on top of a nest of spiders because after I spotted the 7th one crawling on me (and drew a bunch of attention to myself by jumping off said chair and doing the spider dance while screaming) I decided I was done with all the suburban wildlife and spent the next day indoors with the air-conditioning and my Kindle. So I am not an ideal candidate for this show (don't let the cowboy hat I'm wearing in my profile photo fool you. I'm wearing it ironically because I am totally not a cowgirl and only listen to 70's music).

But Stacy and Shelli, who were on last night's show, were ideal candidates. They hail from Boston - Stacy's a bartender (with enormous boobs) and Shelli's a personal trainer (with enormous biceps). I tip my cowboy hat to these girls because they exhibited some total badassery and I salute them with a can of Budweiser. But they weren't brave at first. At first they were all freaked out because they found a bug in Shelli's suitcase and then they each found a couple bugs crawling on them and they did the screaming spider dance and I felt a kinship.

There was also a brother-sister duo (Devyn and Tyler) and two cops from Chicago (Dan and Tony).

Shelli (the personal trainer) caught the first catfish. It was either that or arm-wrestle the Chicago cops so everyone could see how tough and fearless she was. She did awesome.

Stacy (the bartender with big boobs) caught the second. You go girl.

Now it's Devyn and Tyler's turn. Tyler thought it would be fun and bonding and meaningful to take his sister noodling. Devyn probably wanted to sit on the couch in her comfy yoga pants sipping a glass of wine and watching season three of Sex and the City. Yet there they were. Maybe Devyn can give Tyler a gift certificate for a Brazilian wax for Christmas and then ask him how his man-parts feel. It only seems fair.

THIS is what happened the last time I went fishing with my brother, back in like '87 or '88. I can't remember exactly when it was because I tend to block out traumatic things.

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It was all fun and games and BUD LIGHT TALL BOYS until Georgie hooked me and we had to drive to the walk-in clinic and have a purple Mister Twister extricated from my face with a scalpel which is like the biggest buzzkill ever. And Georgie said he was sorry, and told me he felt terrible, but he does not look sorry at all in this photo. So fishing will probably not be my first choice for a recreational activity that my brother and I can enjoy together. To clarify, first choice would probably be wine-drinking.

Tyler's sister Devyn is so scared to go catfish noodling that she looks like she might poop her pants (which would totally go unnoticed because of the murky, brown, toilet bowl water everyone is standing around up to their chests in). But I'm proud of Devyn. She redeemed herself. Check it out.



If you were paying attention, you might also have noticed Stacy's boobs and Shelli's biceps. Need to watch it again? Go ahead.

So now everyone's caught a catfish except for Devyn's brother Tyler, and Tony and Dan, the Chicago cops. Even though Dan's chest is like 17 axe handles across, and he's super manly, he can't find a catfish to save his life. Neither can Tony. So they're feeling around in all those holes, desperately, frantically, trying to find their balls some catfish and finally, finally they succeed. Tyler does too, and I am odly invested and proud of all of them by now.

I was manipulated into watching - and enjoying - a show I only wanted to make fun of. I cheered at the screen. I want to drink beer and do push-ups and play pool with Stacy and Shelli. I want to get a mani-pedi and see a chick flick with Devyn. And you can bet your Wranglers and your can of Skoal that I'll be watching next Sunday.

So well played Animal Planet.

Well played.

Happy Monday everyone! I stumbled upon this old post yesterday when I was doing some clean-up on the blog. I originally published it in February of 2009, but I don't think anyone read it back then. I don't have time to write a new post today, so I hope you don't mind if I recycle this one. Maybe Mondays on the blog can be re-post Mondays from now on?

Here are my totally fictitious answers to totally fictitious problems for totally fictitious people I don't know because they're totally make believe.


Dear Tracey,

My husband and I recently moved into a new home. The next door neighbors brought us a pie and introduced themselves. They seemed nice enough and they have children the same age as ours.

I am concerned about a few things, however. We invited them over for cocktails last weekend and it got weird toward the end of the evening.The husband gave me googly eyes and then touched my boob when he reached for his drink. He also wanted to know if I'd show him "where the master bedroom was."

Meanwhile, his wife had my husband cornered in the kitchen and she was trying to rub her body up and down his leg. My husband said she was purring like a cat and told him she needed to take a shower because she was a "dirty, dirty girl." I managed to cut the evening short by pretending to pass out on the couch while my husband hustled them out the door.

Before they left they invited us to their home next weekend to meet several of the families that live in the neighborhood. We don't know what to expect and neither of us is remotely interested in becoming a swinger. My husband and I have a great relationship and he's not interested in anyone else's hoo-ha. I have no desire to get up close and personal with my neighbor's wiener either. How should we handle this unfortunate situation?

Signed,

We didn't realize we moved to Swingtown.


Dear 'We didn't realize we moved to Swingtown',

Being disease free is very important to swingers, so I have no choice but to recommend that you start a rumor in the neighborhood that you and your husband both have uncontrollable, rampant, super-herpes. It's the only way. If either of you ever have a really gross cold sore on your lip it would go a long way toward validating this rumor. Please also mention frequently that you are allergic to latex because a die-hard swinger may not be put off by one little STD.

You also need to identify the non-swingers in your neighborhood, invite them over for drinks, and do some serious damage control. They may not believe you don't actually have super-herpes, but since you aren't going to try to have sex with them, they probably won't care.

I believe swingers and non-swingers can peacefully co-exist. If you find that's not the case, wait until the housing market improves, stick a for-sale sign in the yard, and move to a normal neighborhood. You might want to do a better job of vetting your future neighbors next time. Good luck!


Dear Tracey,

I'm a member of the PTO and I'm working on a fundraising committee with three other parents. There is one mom who is really starting to piss me off. She keeps sending elaborate e-mails with flow charts, Excel spread sheets, and summaries about everyone's responsibilities and she has suggested "goals and benchmarks" for completing everything. I heard through the grapevine that she's an out of work former business executive that got fired late last year, probably for being totally annoying.

The other moms and I are not her "minions" and I don't appreciate her trying to turn this fundraiser into the social event of the year. We are supposed to be organizing a bingo game, bake sale, and a raffle so we can raise money for new library books. I'm about ready to tell her to shove her ideas about "swag" and "black tie only" up her butt. And seriously, if she asks me one more time about the dress I'm wearing to the fundraiser, I will throttle her. I'm wearing jeans and so is everyone else.

Signed,

Drama with another mama


Dear 'Drama with another mama',

Working on a committee is never easy, especially when someone has decided to use the fundraiser to fill the empty void created by losing their job. She is probably wishing she had an excuse to get dressed up again and hasn't been able to get used to the fact that wearing sweats every day is perfectly acceptable.

Remind her of the common goal to raise money for books. And since it might help to make your suggestions in a language she understands, why not put everything into a nice PowerPoint presentation so she can feel like she's at work again.

Then, ask her to come to your house and discuss the fundraiser over margaritas. Show her how awesome it is to drink on the job when you're not getting paid and can't get fired. Get completely hammered and make fun of anyone working on the fundraiser that you don't like. Then drunk dial her old boss and hang up when he answers (remember to *67 first, natch).

My prediction is that you'll be BFF's in no time and the fundraiser will be a smashing success.



Dear Tracey,

My life sucks. I got fired from the insurance company where I've worked for ten years because the cute, blonde receptionist they hired didn't like me. Since she gives my boss a hummer every day at lunchtime, she has become the most powerful and influential employee in our department and she got me canned.

Then my boyfriend Jason broke up with me because he's in love with some whore named Terry. I ran into Jason and Terry the other day when I stopped at Kum and Go for a bottle of wine and a Slim Jim. Terry has an Adam's apple, a five o'clock shadow, and was holding Jason's hand. Terry is also way prettier than me and acted like he'd never seen someone at Kum and Go in pink flannel pajama pants, purple Crocs, and yesterday's underwear.

I've also gained some weight so in an effort to lose a few pounds I started taking Alli, the over the counter weight loss drug that Wynona Judd recommended. I had one ill-timed cheeseburger from Sonic and crapped my pants in the car on my first date with a hot guy I met on Match.com. Now he's got a big orange stain on the upholstery of his passenger seat and I'm (surprise!) still fucking single.

Lastly, I had to spend money I don't have to sign up on eharmony.com because word's gotten around at Match.com that I'm a "shitter".

Signed,

Should I just give up?




Dear 'Should I just give up',

When life hands you lemons, grab a cocktail shaker, sugar, and vodka and make yourself a lemon drop martini as big as your head. Consume. Repeat. Consume. Repeat. Consume. Black out. Problems, poof!

And seriously, wouldn't you rather know you and Jason both liked boys sooner, rather than later?

I know jobs are scarce in this economy but try to look at your recent firing as a good thing. Treat this as an opportunity to switch careers and only accept offers from companies with butt-ugly receptionists.

As for Alli, taking a drug that makes greasy, orange poop leak out of your butt is never a smart move. Please listen to me and not that washed up, fat country singer Wynona Judd, and stop taking it immediately.

Trust me, things can only get better. Good luck to you!


Do you have a problem you'd like my help with? If so, leave it in the comments section of this blog post and I'll answer it for you. Remember, no question is too outrageous or inappropriate for me to handle. Just make something up.

I do it all the time.

Happy Fiction Friday everyone! I hope you are all having a delightful day. I will be spending the afternoon preparing for Matthew's family birthday party that we're hosting tonight. My baby boy is turning twelve (sniff, sniff). Tomorrow he is having two of his buddies over to spend the night, eat junk food, and watch the movie Paranormal Activity (he has been begging me to let him watch it since last fall). "It's your nightmare," I told him. "Just don't wake me up at 3 a.m. when you're scared because I will boomerang your butt right back to bed."

Why yes I am a stellar mom, thanks for asking.

Anyway, as most? some? all of you know, I have decided to self-publish my novel On the Island. I am hoping for a September 1st release and I'm hard at work preparing everything. I will be sending the manuscript to my freelance editor on August 1st, and then I'll do a final line edit and make sure the formatting is correct. The novel will be available for Nook and Kindle users, plus some other e-reader formats, and in paperback as well.

I wanted to share the image I've chosen for my cover. This is an actual beach in the Maldives (which is where my story takes place), and I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it. Plus my main character has long dark hair (and often wears blue) so it seemed like a no-brainer. I also love the colors.


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Here's a VERY ROUGH mock-up of what it might look like with the title (which needs to be centered properly, and much bigger) and my name. My very awesome friend Penne, who is a graphic designer, is going to help me make sure it looks professional (and not like something I might have, ahem, whipped up on MS Paint), and my super awesome critique partner (who is a traditionally published author) is going to write a blurb for the cover.

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So, what do you think? Is it eye-catching? For those of you who have read the manuscript, does it capture the essence of the story? As my friend Elisa and I discussed, it's not very "stranded on an island" but it does invoke (I hope) the romantic aspect of the story. I think it looks very women's fiction-y which is super cool since that's the genre of my book.

Let me know your thoughts if you have a free moment. I'd love to get your input.

Have a great Friday and a great weekend everyone!

Tracey

The other day I made an appointment with a facial plastic surgeon. I'd already visited him once for Botox, but I decided it was time to try a little Juvederm* because my friend Amy has a theory that women age one of two ways: you're either a wrinkler or a sinker. Wrinklers have crow's feet and horizontal lines across their foreheads. Maybe some laugh lines and other various creases. Sinkers, on the other hand, aren't very wrinkly but they lose volume in their faces which causes grooves, furrows, and other undesirable divets.

I'm a sinker. I'm not very wrinkly, but I have a few areas where there is a noticeable loss of volume occurring, specifically above my upper lip.

I called the facial plastic surgeon's office and the woman I spoke to made me want to jump in my car and drive there immediately. She had tried Juvederm and she loved it.

I knew Dave would probably not understand my desire to have gel injected into the area above my upper lip (the same way he didn't understand my need to have diluted botulism shot into the furrows between my eyebrows). This is akin to the confusion I experience when a man tries to tell me how much better/clearer/superior a television program is when viewed in HD (sometimes, just to mess with my dad, I say, "You're right, that one IS clearer!" except I point to the non-HD channel).

So this is what I said to Dave: I want to try Juvederm but I'm going to wait until my contract job ends because if something goes terribly wrong I'll be super embarrassed if I have to show up at work with a giant trout-pout. What do you think?

This is what Dave said: If it's really important to you then go ahead and do it.

This is what Dave really meant: Egads! How much is it going to cost to keep my wife from morphing into some kind of freaky, troll-like creature? Jesus, by the time she's fifty her face will be a giant clusterfuck of poison and drywall spackle.

Me: So you're cool with this?

Dave: Sure.

Not long after this discussion, the T.V. in our family room stopped working. It's six years old and apparently the lamp inside burned out. Dave started lobbying for a new T.V. right away. "It's been six years, Tracey. Those lamps don't last forever." I agreed that they probably don't and then suggested something really crazy: "Why don't you take it in and have it repaired," I said. Dave said fine, he'd take it in. Unfortunately, not only were the lamps burned out, the color wheel was too. Repair estimate: $400. Dave mentioned that he could get a brand new T.V., comparable or even better to what we had, for $489. We could still repair the old one, but other things might go wrong soon and then we'd have to put more money into it. Since I was really only half paying attention by this time, I said, "Fine. Whatever. Just don't make me come with you to buy it because that shit bores me silly."

A few days later, Dave went on a recon mission to Best Buy and American to compare prices. He cornered me when he came home.

This is what he said: So they have these smart T.V.'s now and you can get streaming netflix, and check your Facebook on the T.V., and pull up websites, and all kinds of things! Wouldn't you love to check your Facebook on the T.V.? You said the other day you wouldn't mind signing up for netflix. And they're only $1200!

This is what I said: Wow, the smart T.V. can do all that? That is amazing. And you're telling me we can have netflix, like streaming right on the T.V.? Technology sure has come a long way!

What I really meant: I will never check my Facebook on the T.V. because my laptop is right over there. And Jesus Jones, I couldn't care less if we owned any T.V.'s at all**. I rarely watch network television, especially in the summer, and if we didn't own a T.V. I'd never have to be subjected to the crap you like to watch (namely Hitler documentaries on the History Channel, old James Bond movies on obscure cable channels, and the constant, insipid dipshittery of Tosh.O and Jackass). And this will be one more electronic item that I don't know how to work. It's bad enough that Matthew had to label the components in the basement because otherwise I wouldn't be able to turn on the Wii or play a CD.

Dave: So you're cool with the smart T.V., right?

Me: Sure.

So that's how it works in our household. Everyone gets what they want, harmony is maintained, and we operate on a strict tit-for-tat basis.

I'm just afraid of what Dave will ask for if I ever get those new boobs I've always wanted.

*Did I like Juvederm? Eh, it's okay. I was very conservative with it so you can't tell I got it which probably means I'm the biggest dumbshit to ever walk the planet.

**Except I'd want to watch Shark Week because that show totally rocks even though they need some new clips because I've seen that one chick get her leg bitten off by that Great White Shark like hundreds of times. It's still awesome, I still think that *maybe* her friends will pull her into the boat in time, and she deserves a medal for bravery because she's completely zen about the whole thing.