I’m not a New Year’s resolution person. It’s my feeling no matter what day of the year it is, we should be open to learning and changing, becoming better people, finding ways to be more gentle with ourselves, striving to create more happy. I get that some folks need that particular date, that tick of the clock, that turn of the calendar page to try to sort their shizzle. It makes sense.

That’s just not me.

But here we are at the end of the year and what the heck. Before the New Year turns, I’ll take this opportunity to share what I learned from the old.

I’ll preface this by saying, sometimes, you get into your life and you forget to reflect on it, to switch it up, to have a think about you and your happiness and even if you’ve got it good, there might be ways to make it better.

Or sometimes you know those ways and you forget to put them into practice.

This year was the year when I stopped forgetting to reflect and started to be cognizant of where I was. When I did, I found that I should do something about it.

As the old year fades, we face these lists everywhere. Mine shares nothing profound. I have not discovered the meaning of life (unless it’s tacos, which I always suspected). But I had a number of refreshers this year that were, no other way to say it, refreshing.

So I thought I’d take a second and share them with you.

1) Let go of the past.

2) Do not worry about the future.

3) Be where your feet are. Be as present as you can be in the NOW.

#1, 2 and 3 go hand in hand (in hand).

You cannot do anything to change the past. It’s done. You have utterly no power over it. Let it go. It’s hard. I know. But take a second to think of those simple words that are powerful, and if you manage to put them in practice, are liberating, so I shall repeat them: It’s done, you have no power over it, let it go.

The next sentence usually includes something about looking to the future. But the truth is you also can’t do anything to control the future. Good or bad, it will happen when it happens and you’ll deal with it then. Allowing it to consume your peace of mind with worry or fear or even excitement and expectation has no effect except for you to look back with regret that you spent so much time worrying about it or thinking about it, you didn’t enjoy time as you’re living it.

By all means, plan for the future. And by all means, learn from the past. Heck, this entire blog post is about me learning my lessons of the last year.

But what are you experiencing in the now? Happy or sad, embrace it. It is your life, your world, and you’ll only have those moments in those moments. Make the most of them.

And yes, this includes pain or sadness or loss or frustration or anger because those are yours, those are moments in your life and you should own them.

But also because those feelings will fade and if you experience them without trying to tamp them down, ignore them, power through them, be “strong” and deny them, when they’re gone they will allow you to better appreciate taco festivals and game nights and trips to New York City and phone chats with girlfriends that live far away but your happy banter feels like they’re right there—or whatever beauty your life has to offer.

4) Stick up for yourself, no matter how uncomfortable it is. People out there can sometimes think wasting your time and causing you stress means nothing. They will be stuck in their worlds and their inconsideration is not apparent to them. Inform them this is not true. You matter. Your time matters. Your space matters. Your peace of mind matters.

It should go without saying #4 is not about being all about you and not taking care of the people in your life or being considerate to the people around you.

It’s about not allowing anyone to take advantage of you. Are you uncomfortable? Feeling awkward or put upon? Do people expect more than you can give so in the end you feel drained and you’ve gotten nothing from the experience?

This year, I had a good deal of work done to my house and there was one person I did business with who paid no mind to the fact the work he was doing that was supposed to last a week, but lasted six, was completely disrupting my home and my work, my sleep, my pets, my life. It was causing massive amounts of stress and it was also costing me, in a variety of ways, massive amounts of money (causing more stress).

It was hard to confront him. In my mind I could easily have convinced myself that sucking it up and just letting it happen however it happened, keeping a stiff upper lip and my mouth shut would be the easier option. But in truth, it would only have been the easier option for the other party. Not me.

So I put my foot down. And in the end, as unsettling as that situation was, I left it feeling proud of myself that I didn’t allow someone to take advantage of me.

I encourage you to do the same by communicating, firmly, as considerately as possible, and with a mind to your peace of mind. It might not be fun but there is absolutely nothing wrong with looking out for yourself.

In fact, there’s everything right about it.

5) You can learn from the people around you. And with your behavior, you can be an example to them.

With this awesome writing gig I’ve got going on, even though I work in an office over my garage, my world expands often. I meet new people all the time and have made more new, close, wonderful, amazing friends in the last few years than I have in a long time. They are gracious and generous with their wisdom about the business. But it’s more. They’re just gracious and generous and the way they behave and treat others has taught me to find more grace and selflessness in my own life so I can give it to those around me.

They’ve also reminded me that everything is what you make of it. There are many things that will happen that will be out of your control. There will be emotions you have because of that that you really shouldn’t control, because if you don’t let them loose, they’ll start controlling you.

But the things you do to respond to it you can control.

Take a breath. Find the silver lining. In most cases, it’s there, even if you have to look really, really hard. At the very least, there’s always something to learn about any given situation, even if it’s how you can avoid it in the future, or how you can deal with it that’s best for you.

6) If someone you love is diagnosed with a terminal illness, when the dreaded time comes, you will not be prepared. No matter what you do to avoid it, what pains you go to in order to prevent it, how hard you strive to prolong the time you’ll have, the end will come. And when it does, it will tear you apart.

So in the meantime, take lots and lots of pictures, create video after video, make lots and lots of memories and go out of your way to make every moment precious.

And when it is over, don’t make something wretched even worse by not allowing yourself to feel what you need to feel. By thinking you need to be “strong.” By telling yourself there’s some magical time where you just need to get over it. By worrying what anyone will think of your grief, how you feel it, how you express it or how long it lasts. You’re dealing with enough, too much, and those around you will understand.

If they don’t, that says something entirely different, not about you…about them.

7) Change is good but digging down deep and reflecting on things you might not recognize need changing, and then changing them, is better.

This year I hired a stylist (Style by Malia, check her out, she’s awesome) and she was less a stylist and more a life coach. She showed me things to wear but she opened my mind to how to tweak my wardrobe in order to live a fuller life.

Yes, I just said “tweak my wardrobe in order to live a fuller life.”

And I’m being very serious.

I had clothes from fourteen years ago when I lived in Denver. I had clothes I did not fit into that I was hanging on to for “when I got back into it.” I did not go into my closet and look at it as Malia said I should, “What do I get to wear today?” I went into my closet, and if I wasn’t going out of the house that day, I put on something old or misshapen or faded or torn that I felt terrible in (this is an important part of this paragraph, I felt terrible in it) because I thought I hadn’t yet gotten enough use out of it. I also rarely bought myself anything new unless I had an excuse to buy it, say for a book signing or event.

Now, why would I ever do anything, no matter it’s something as mindless as donning some clothes, that would make me make myself feel terrible in any way?

And why on earth was I holding on to my past, and clothes, some of them not even in style anymore so if I could wear them I wouldn’t want to?

After Malia left, I filled my car three times with stuff I had not worn in over five years (some of it in over a decade and some of it I’d never worn because I bought it to wear when I fit into it) and took it to Goodwill. Now people who actually want and will love that stuff will have it.

And now, everything in my closet, no joke, every stitch in my closet, I love wearing. Yes, I bought new pieces, but mostly, I don't flip through hanger after hanger to find something my hand will touch that I actually want to wear. I have far fewer clothes, but all of them make me feel good.

This is not about clothes. This is about a philosophy of life. This is how every day I did not realize it, but it was the god’s honest truth my closet was reminding me that I had not lost the weight or I was no longer a thirty-something party girl yukking it up in Denver or the married career woman bundled up in lovely sweaters adventuring in England. My closet was blocking me from embracing the beauty I’d worked damned hard to make of my current life.

Bottom line, my closet was a stark reflection that I was not living in my present. I was hanging on to my past. It was a stark reflection that I was not celebrating the awesome me I am. I was holding tight to some conception of the me I wanted, but was failing, to be.

So I tore down those blocks.

And a weight I had no idea I’d been carrying had been lifted. It was far heavier than I could have ever imagined. But once it was gone, I felt free. Free to be where I was right then. And perhaps more importantly, I was free to enjoy who I was right then.

I was just…free.

8) Do something new as often as you can do it. It doesn’t matter what it is. Going to a new coffee shop. Checking out a new restaurant. Going to a movie by yourself (if you don’t do that already). Trying a book in a genre you wouldn’t normally read. Hitting that little town you’d always wanted to check out. A grand gesture, a big adventure or just something quick that fits in with your day.

It is so very easy to fall into a rut in life and not even realize you have. When I worked at the Colorado Neurological Institute yonks ago, I read an article about how scientists believed that people could stave off dementia or even Alzheimer’s by continuing to keep their minds active and the best way to do this was firing those synapsis in the brain that could go unused if you’re not learning new things.

Keep learning new things. Experiencing new things. Activate your mind. Open your world. Energize your life.

I promise you won’t regret it.

9) Find ways to have concentrated me time. I’m not talking relaxing with a book or bingeing TV (but those are awesome, and if you’re doing those, especially the book reading [hint hint], keep doing it).

I’m talking about joining yourself in your head and finding comfort there.

Yes, be comfortable in your own mind.

Journal. I have often tried to journal but always gave up on it because either life got in the way or it felt like I was repeating the same stuff over and over and I felt like a failure because I hadn’t moved on.

It didn’t strike me that journaling had no schedule, but my own. Weeks could go by and what does it matter? It’s there when you need it; it’s not another task to do because you have to do it.

Also I was just purging the junk in my head so it’d get out of my head and that’s the whole point. I’m not a big fan of judging people but I was judging myself for what I’d put in a journal. I mean…what? Who cares? I just needed to let it out, unload it, put it somewhere safe so I wasn’t carrying it around, and then move on without that mess dragging me down.

Suddenly, after doing that, I found I was journaling positive things. Goals and goodness and memories. As is life, these were, of course, interspersed with blue times and concerns and tracking my (very bad) sleep or a downturn in moods. But doing this meant I had a better handle on them. I had a better understanding of them.

Just as suddenly, I felt one with me. I was beginning to understand myself better. And again I was realizing I was in the best company I could be in. I was with me.

I also encourage you to use a planner to organize (and decorate, stickers are the world) your coming week. You may be organizing your work or your family, but think about yourself and your needs when you’re doing it.

In truth, this isn’t just about organizing. It’s about having time to yourself to reflect on how you’re going to manage your life. But more, once it’s written in your planner, it becomes a pen and paper witness to your life. I write down everything (and slap a sticker on it). When I go to Target with my sister. When I binge a Netflix marathon. When I take in a movie. When I do the things on my to-do list. My planner is a testimony of my life, my accomplishments (small and large), my memories.

Even when my Axl died, I put it in my planner, loud and beautiful and ugly. I have stickers with his and his sister’s picture on it and I covered that day with those stickers and for the next week, I wrote, “Miss my Axl,” at the bottom of each day because that was my world, that was my loss, that was my grief, that was my life and when I flip back in my planner, I won’t forget that little boy, the pain I had when I lost him, but most importantly, the love I had for him when I had him.

It doesn’t matter what you do. Meditate. Give yourself a facial or a hair pack and relax into your thoughts while it’s working. Crochet. Needlepoint. Macramé. Whatever it is you do, just find ways to get to know you. Find ways to calm your mind and your world, even if just for half an hour. Re-introduce yourself to yourself.

It’s highly likely you’ll enjoy the company.

10) Stuff will get done. It doesn’t feel like it will, but it will.

More important to understand, there will always be stuff to do, and that’s good.

Relax. Take a deep breath. Sally forth. The concept of “baby steps” is true. With each thing you do, you’re closer to accomplishing what needs to get done.

So break it down. Don’t expect too much of yourself. This particularly is the path to devastation and despair. If you set about your day deciding you’re going to do ten things that day and those ten things would take any normal person thirty-six hours, you’re setting your own damned self up for failure. And feeling like a failure always sucks.

Think sensibly and rationally of what can be achieved in the time you have, and here’s the key: make it your goal to do less than that (so if you do more, you can feel like you’re a superhero).

But the bottom line is, to be busy—and the busier the better—to have things to do, bills to pay, errands to run, groceries to buy, projects to accomplish, chores to finish, places to go, people to meet…is to be alive.

Trust me…

You wouldn’t want it any other way.

I’ll end with wishing you the happiest of happy New Years and I hope 2018 is bountiful and beautiful and utterly memorable.