From the Bookshelf of Read a Book…

"Men love to solve problems, but when their efforts are misdirected and go unappreciated, they lose interest over time."

"Our differences are intensified by stress. When we do not understand our different coping mechanisms, Mars and Venus collide."

"Since men and women do not respond to stress in the same way, the kinds of support we require to relieve stress differ. What helps men release stress can be the opposite of what helps women feel better. While he withdraws into his cave to forget the problems of his day, she wants to interact and discuss things. When she shares her frustrations, he offers solutions, but she is simply looking for some empathy. Without a clear understanding of their unique needs and reactions to stress, they will inevitably feel unsupported and unappreciated."

"At the same time, the women’s movement has awakened women and inspired many to find a fulfilling career in order to develop all their talents. When a woman returns home from work feeling responsible for creating a beautiful home and nurturing her family, she has to do this around the demands of her job. This is a new stress, and it requires a new kind of support. No wonder women feel so overwhelmed as they balance the demands of work and home."

"Being equals does not mean that we have to be the same. To give equal respect, we must recognize that we are different and support those differences. Respect is honouring who a person is and being open to appreciate what he or she has to offer."

"It is no longer enough for a man to be a good provider. If she works outside the home, then to be fair, he should contribute to work inside the home and be more supportive in the relationship. If she is doing traditional “men’s work,” then he should do traditional “women’s work.”"

"Most men, to some degree, want their partners to be the domestic divas their mothers were. A man wants to come home and be supported by his loving wife. Since he is doing what his father did, his wife should do what his mother did. Oblivious to how much it takes to organize a smooth-running household, he expects the impossible from her."

"As men cling to old expectations, women are creating new expectations. These expectations are understandable but unrealistic."

"Women are the custodians of love, family, and relationship. When women stop being women and are too stressed to carry out these functions, we are all lost. Women remind men of what is important in life. Women hold the wisdom of the heart and inspire men to act from their hearts. Men can have great vision, but women provide the meaningful foundation. When women are not happy, no one is happy."

"When women become men, men lose purpose, meaning, and inspiration in life."

"One approach that works most of the time is to ask for his help in specific terms. Men love projects. Projects are specific. They have a beginning and an end. He can determine what he is going to do, how he is going to do it, and most important, when he is going to do it. Men will often do what they consider is most important first. When given a project to accomplish, he also senses that his efforts will not be taken for granted. All these ingredients help to give him energy and motivation"

"Even if he is tired, a project with a definite end point or solution will give him extra energy particularly if a woman’s tone of voice or facial expression while making the request indicates that she will appreciate the result of his actions. When he does something to help her rather than because she expects or thinks he should do it, he then feels closer to her and is more willing to help out in the future. This willingness, based on satisfying many of her little requests or projects, actually gives him more energy at home to provide even more support. Eventually, he will get in the habit of helping more and more."

"A man loses interest when he senses that he can’t continue to meet a woman’s expectations."

"Adjusting, updating, and correcting our expectations can free us from feeling victimized or powerless to get what we need."

"When stress is removed from the formula, our differences are never a problem. When stress is reduced, our differences are a major source of fulfillment."

"The problem is never just our partner but our own inability to cope with stress."

"To yield to a woman’s unrealistic expectations will eventually exhaust a man."

"Instead of becoming more sensitive, men need to become sensitive to the needs of women."

"A woman’s sensitivity, which gives her the ability to enjoy and appreciate the little things in life, is a major turn-on to men."

"A woman can learn ways to lower her partner’s stress by helping him feel successful in helping her. Though a man does appreciate domestic support, positive communication, and romance, what is most important to him is to feel he is providing his partner with some measure of fulfillment. Instead of thinking of direct ways to support him, she can actually do less and simply appreciate what he does for her.This works well, because women are already doing way too much. Wouldn’t it be great if a woman could do less, and a man would feel more supported?"

"When a man takes action to support a woman’s needs, she feels supported, and her stress goes down. But the opposite is true on Mars. When a woman does less for him and allows him to do more for her, his stress is lessened. A man’s stress is reduced when he feels successful in meeting her needs. Instead of giving more to him, she just needs to help him be successful in meeting her needs."

"In short, “helping him help her” involves asking him for support instead of just expecting him to give it, and then requires that she acknowledges how much she authentically appreciates what ever she gets."

"to learn how to ask a man for support in small increments that are realistic and reasonable."

"You can only appreciate what you have when you authentically feel a need for it."

"A needy man is a huge turnoff to women"

"Women need to rediscover the power and strength of their femininity. Women don’t have to be like men to be powerful and get what they want and need. Likewise, men don’t have to become like women to be loving and supportive in their relationships."

"Men need to feel needed, and women need to feel they are not alone."

"When a women feels she can open up and depend on someone, her stress in life is greatly reduced. When a woman is unable to recognize her needs or get them met, she increasingly feels distress in her life"

"With a greater awareness of her needs, a woman can begin to appreciate what she is getting and focus less on what she is not getting. With a more realistic vision of what is possible rather than the Hollywood fantasy of a man who fulfills her every wish, she is better able to appreciate his efforts and not take for granted all the things her partner already does provide."

"Love is not a fantasy of perfection in which our every need is met, but sharing a life together, striving to meet each other’s needs as best we can. Forgiving our partners for their mistakes and accepting their limitations can be just as fulfilling as appreciating their many gifts and successes. Just as it was difficult for her to live with a man who didn’t always"

"Just as women need to let go of expecting men to be perfect, men need to let go of expecting women to think we are perfect. Together we have learned that our life does not have to be perfect for us to connect and support each other. Real love does not demand perfection but actually embraces imperfection. Sharing this kind of love enriches all aspects of our lives and brings increasing fulfillment."

"Instead of seeing our different stress reactions as a problem, we need to recognize that our attempts to change our partners are most often the real problem."

"If a man forgets a woman’s need or a woman remembers his mistakes, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other."

"A woman’s greatest challenge is to begin caring for herself as much as she is caring for others."

"A man’s brain is single-focused, while a woman’s brain tends to multitask."

"Leaving a man alone and ignoring him is sometimes the best way to support him."

"When men have little to say, women often take it personally, as if he doesn’t want to share."

"When women talk, a man is acutely aware of the time she is taking and feels an inner urgency to help her solve her problems."

"A woman’s enormous capacity for joy, delight, and fulfillment is the fuel that lets a man know that he makes a difference."

"Success or the anticipation of success in a relationship fuels the rise of a man’s testosterone and sustains his interest in her."

"Appreciating and accepting what he does, or forgiving him for what he neglects to do, is the most supportive way a woman can treat a man."

"Shifting from one problem to an easier problem to solve can help rebuild a man’s testosterone levels."

"When a man’s workday is over, a switch turns off in his brain, and he shifts to a passive, relaxed mode."

"Trust and the anticipation of getting needs met is a potent oxytocin producer."

"Talking about problems with someone you love can elevate oxytocin levels on Venus."

"When women have plenty of energy, they take great pleasure from their responsibilities."

"A woman thinks her to-do list is causing her stress, but her low oxytocin levels are to blame."

"More testosterone, which comes from solving problems, does nothing to lower a woman’s stress levels."

"Women talk for a variety of reasons that can have nothing to do with solving a problem."

"When a man can do little things and get a big response, he gets the energy and the drive to do more."

"A man loves her more when she does not feel she is making a sacrifice and when she accepts what he has to give. As she gets better at receiving the support he offers, a man feels increasingly successful."

"A man will ask for help, but only after he feels he has done everything he can on his own."

"A man looks for someone he can be successful in loving."

"Men can fulfill only a small portion of the support women need for oxytocin production."

"When a woman is already almost full, a man is highly motivated to bring her to the top."

"When doing little things for her makes a difference, a man does more little things."

"On Venus, every gift of love scores equal to every other gift of love, no matter how big or small."

"Most men overlook the little things that can rack up big points on Venus."

"To score more points, rather than bring a dozen roses and get two points, a man can bring one rose twelve times and make twenty-four points."

"A man gets more points when his questions are specific as opposed to general."

"When a woman feels resentment, she loses her ability to acknowledge a man’s points."

"When a woman is severely stressed, nothing a man does will make a difference."

"A man can only provide 10 percent of a woman’s fulfillment. The rest is up to her."

"Talking without solving any problems can create a profound change."

"Unreleased stress not only prevents a woman from feeling positive but can also restrict her fertility, in addition to the other potential health problems discussed earlier. I have so often observed women having fertility issues because they are not effectively coping with the stress of their testosterone-fueled jobs. In the last fifteen years, fertility in women has become a major health and relationship concern."

"Women in high-testosterone-producing jobs need cave time, but they also need time to connect."

"When every cell in his body wants to offer a solution, a man must take a deep breath and say, “Tell me more.”"

"Women are hardwired to ask questions and talk, while men are designed to act."


"Couples commonly disagree, argue, or fight about money, scheduling, domestic responsibilities, parenting, and sex. In each case, after a few minutes of arguing, we actually fight about the way we are fighting. This shift is where the trouble lies. Instead of staying on track, focusing on a single topic of dispute, we make our partner the problem that needs to be solved. We move away from the issue and resist our partners because of the way they are communicating about the subject of the disagreement."

"Men need to avoid correcting a woman’s feelings, and women need to avoid making disapproving comments about a man’s thoughts and actions."

"During arguments, men need to ask more questions, and women need to talk less about their feelings."

"In therapy we are encouraged to share feelings, but in a fight it can make matters worse."

"We fight because we are too focused on proving the merits of our point of view and overlook our partner’s needs to feel understood and appreciated."

"To avoid fights, take time to communicate that you understand your partner’s perspective."

"Arguments can be resolved when they are not debates, trials, or competitions."

"Mixing feelings and problem solving simply doesn’t work."

"During a time-out, a woman should find someone other than her partner to talk with."

"A man is actually making it safe for her to talk by taking a time-out when he has heard too much."

"Talking more can be like pouring gas on the fire of a man’s frustration and rage."

"Taking a time-out helps a woman sort out her thoughts to identify her needs and positive feelings."

"Couples need to express themselves, but they don’t have to say everything they think and feel."

"Many couples will treat a stranger or guest with greater consideration than each other."

"Knowing when to hold your tongue is more powerful than saying the right things."

"Learning to say we are sorry is one of the most important relationship skills."

"When couples don’t talk, nothing he does is ever good enough."

"A Venus Talk is basically an FYIO message—for your information only. No action is required or expected."

"Just knowing that she will not be interrupted can lower a woman’s stress levels."

"Limiting the time of a Venus Talk trains the mind and body to release stress in a shorter period of time."

"Adjusting our expectations does not mean we are settling for less."

"By finding support and love independent of our partners, we relieve them of an impossible burden."

"To experience the excitement of coming together, you must spend time apart."

"Feelings of obligation may ruin friendships, but they kill romance."

"Life is a process of discovering that you have everything you need, and you always did."

"Once the newness of love has passed, we gradually become vulnerable to the massive stress in our lives."

"To keep the passion alive, we must do what works even if we don’t feel like it."

"These women mistakenly think the sole reason they are happier is that they don’t have to bother with a passive partner who resists giving to them. But the real reason such a woman is happier is that she has given up expecting a man to make her happy and has finally taken responsibility for her own happiness. With these new insights, instead of getting a divorce to discover this inner ability, a woman can stay married and get the added bonus of a partner who is not only enriched by her fulfillment but rejoices in her happiness."

"A telling symptom of increased stress is our loss of perspective on what is most important in life."